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kyungab

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About kyungab

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  1. Growing up, my family, friends, and I would believe that it's "all in the mind". Strong emotions and passions can be controlled when you put your mind to it. To be honest, I believed that mental health problems such as depression and anxiety were real, but not real enough for it to be called an illness. Back then, I thought that people suffering from depression are only depressed because they themselves choose to be in that state. For me, depression is a choice. Sadness may be inevitable, but one can always get himself out of it. Now, this all backfired. For the past few months, the cheerful and lively girl people know me as is no longer here. She was replaced by the constant melancholic girl. Now that I experience what it is like to be depressed, I now know that it will never be a choice. Gone were the days I craved for being with other people, laughing with them, telling them about my own life. I always find myself seeking time to be alone. Nowadays, I choose to be absent from school, avoiding talking to people who constantly reach out knowing that I'm caving in. I know that a lot of people are here for me. They constantly tell me to open up to them, telling me that I will get better if I were to "put my mind into it". But it isn't that easy. I always find myself thinking that right now, I don't want to be better. I don't feel comfortable telling them whats always bothering me, or what's constantly pushing me to the edge. My parents, who were always hard on me, are now being kind, offering to give me anything to make me happy once again. But what I can't tell these people is that, right now, I don't want any of their help. Their kindness is only making me feel worse, affirming to me that my being like this is also bothering them. I hate the pitiful look on their eyes. I hate how they always look at me as if I will choose to end my life right there and then. But what I hate the most is that these feelings I have only make me feel worse. I feel as if I'm the most selfish girl in the world. Everyone is willing to help, but I choose not to accept any of them because of my own pride. 17 years of living as the girl who has it all, I now don't feel like compelling to what the world wants of me. Nowadays, I just feel like giving up. All my life, I've been the girl everyone looks up to. I know that it isn't right to just throw that away because of my own sadness. But at times, I just want to. I'm beyond tired of doing what has to be done, of making people happy, of going beyond myself to serve others. I'm tired and I want out. That's why when people offer to help me, I just don't want to accept it. I don't know what else to do. I mean, sooner or later, I will eventually accept people's help. But right now, it seems as if I'm better off alone. Is this the right choice to choose?
  2. Im in a relationship with someone for the past 3 years. I've always imagined spending my whole life with him. But right now, I want out. For the 8 months, I've been doubting our relationship. I've been doubting if I really want him. There are a lot of times when I'm not really me when I'm with him. It seems as if my world is somewhat limited whenever I'm with him. I want to explore more, learn more, and be more, but being in a relationship with him won't allow me to do so. I haven't been telling him these things. I know that my depression came back because of such doubts. I'm scared to tell him the truth. I guess its also because I've been used to him that I'm scared to explore the world beyond our relationship.
  3. To whoever is reading this, THANK YOU! Thank you for having the courage to join this forum, and to SPEAK UP. Thank you for SHARING your insightful and helpful thoughts to those who need it the most. Thank you for taking time to READ posts and DISCUSS with strangers how life can be better lived. Thank you for CHOOSING to be YOU in this wonderful forum. If you're new here, be guaranteed that you will be helped. I continue to experience memorable encounters with the people in this forum. They've helped me a lot, and I'm sure they will do so much more for you. I'm new here, and I came with so many doubts. I'm not diagnosed with depression because I have yet to see a doctor. My first appointment is scheduled next week, and to be honest I'm scared. But, I find so much consolation in the kind words different people in this forum have told me. I may still be at the start of my own battle, but I already know that I can conquer it with the help of all of you. Thank you for being PHENOMENAL. I look forward to interacting with you more!
  4. It is currently 12:30 am in my country. I never imagined myself to be writing quite a piece in a depression forum. I guess this is me trusting my guts? (and I sure do hope that my guts are right) For the past few months, I've been feeling down and worthless. It seems as if my whole life has finally come to a point where even I can't help myself to turn back. The past few months, I've cried the most in my life, cared the least about everything, and thought about how the world will probably be better without me. This feeling of loneliness and sadness is quite new to me... funny right? It's because my whole life, I've had the "perfect" life. I'm president of the student council, top 1 in my batch right now; I'm part of th debate and volleyball varsity; my friends are the kind of people everyone would want to hang out with. To top that off, I'm funny. Like really. My comments would make my class burst, and my jokes would make people cry. I know how to make someone smile, and I know how to make someone's day brighter. It may seem like I'm bragging, but really, I'm not. I just want someone to understand what I'm going through. I'm currently 17 years old, and the last time I've felt like was when I was 12. Those days were the intense days. Then, I always felt like running away from my house. There was even a day when i wanted to just end my life. I put all these behind me. But now, it seems as if I'm back to that self. I haven't seen a medical professional nor been diagnosed with depression. I hate it when people would say that maybe I'm just going through y teenage phase or whatever. I'd agree with this at the start. But what I'm feeling right now has come to a point that even I thought that I should accept that this is no longer a phase. I honestly don't know what to do. I know that I should speak up about what I'm feeling. But I just can't. I can't seem to bring out of my mouth these words. It's my first time to interact in this manner. I hope someone had the energy and fortitude to read my piece. I hope to hear from someone.
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