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regretgirl

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  1. I just watched this documentary about a woman who died at 38 years old, and no one noticed she wasn't around for 3 years. She was found in her apartment completely decomposed into a skeleton, with the television still on. It wasn't until her door was busted down for not responding to dozens of eviction notices that anyone found out. No one reported her missing. No one tried to contact her. No one missed her. For 3 years. The documentary is basically about her "friends" and past coworkers describing how amazing she was, blah blah. That they were so busy with their own lives and they just figured she was busy with hers too. And time slipped away. I think about how lonely I am, and how this will probably be my destiny. If she had friends and no one noticed, what about me? I don't have any friends at all, not one. In fact I haven't hung out with a single person in many years. If it wasn't for my immediate family, I could have disappeared a long time ago without anyone noticing I'm not around. This has made me think about my future. I'm unattractive and have nothing of substance to offer to anyone .I will likely be single forever, and not have the children or husband I dream of. My parents will pass on. And I will likely be a recluse, as I am now. At 25 this loneliness is hard enough, but as I get older I don't see it getting any better. When I die, I truly believe my fate will be like this woman. Alone in a house, that's gathering dust. Days will turn to months, and months to years. And I will be just as invisible dead as I am while alive.
  2. I've been talking to a local guy online for about two weeks. As depressed as I am, he brightened my mood and we exchanged a lot of laughs. He seemed to really care about me and would always be interested in what I'm doing and how I am. I thought it was heading in a positive direction. Tonight after a bit of flirting, he asked me for a full body pic in my mirror (fully clothed, nothing risky). I was a bit reluctant because I don't have any confidence, but I agreed because he mentioned a few times he really likes thin girls. I'm on the brink of 100 pounds and this is a huge insecurity, but since he was so adamant about liking it, I felt kind of safe to share one with him. I took a lot of pics trying to get the perfect one, and finally settled on one I thought looked the "best". I sent it to him and in response... he put a bunch of laughing faces. I said "I'm guessing you don't like how I look" and he said "yes" and stopped replying to me. I didn't expect this because he had been so nice to me. Even if he thought I was disgusting (I don't blame him), I wish he would have rejected me with more kindness. Now I feel very stupid and it has reinforced the fact that I am a joke to everyone. That men see me and immediately block me out as a potential partner based on how I look. I've been battling suicidal thoughts and self hatred for a long time and I should have known not to do this. I should have stayed in my place instead of trying to appeal to someone. I am such a dumb person. I don't know what sort of responses I expect from this, but thank you for reading.
  3. This is the closest thing I've had to an interaction with someone for a very long time. I would just like to let you know I am thankful for your words
  4. In my eyes, there's no point of living anymore. I can hardly muster up the energy to type this post, but maybe it will be worth it. There is not one single area in my life that I'm content with. It seems impossible to fix everything and I'm tired of trying. I have no friends, I have no money, I'm shy, I'm ugly, I ruin every opportunity, I have no love life, I'm chronically ill. The only thing that takes my mind off of this is watching youtube videos and sleeping (I know I'm pathetic). I'm just a massive waste of a person. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me
  5. This thought has been taunting me for a long time and it's starting to give me major anxiety. Although I have no memory of it, I have a suspicion I was molested by my dad at a young age. My parents seperated while I was around 3 or 4 and on the weekends I would visit my dad. I always remember returning to my mom's house feeling very uncomfortable with my body. No pain - just an icky, gross feeling. I have memories of laying in bed with this feeling haunting me. I also knew about sex at a very young age and I'm not sure why. In second grade I got into major trouble for writing a sexual note to my classmate about male private parts and using explicit swear words. How did I know about such a body part at a young age?! I went to an all girls school and had virtually no contact with the opposite sex in my childhood besides family... I'm not sure of the normal age of masturb***** for girls, but I started around 10 years old and watched pornography as well. I was a very shy child and still am to this day. I've always had low self esteem and issues with depression and anger. But what disturbs me most is a sensation I get in my v*****l area. Whenever my dad enters the room or if I simply think of him I get a pleasurable sensation down below. This is not a welcome feeling and it disturbs me that I get this sensation. It happens almost daily. For the first time tonight, I decided to look up signs you've been sexually abused and one of them was a sensation in your genitals when thinking about a certain family member. This makes me feel seriously sick. I also have memories of my dad taking me to dinner and calling me "his girlfriend" to the waitress and commenting that my a** looks big as a teenager. To this day he tells me "to give daddy a kiss" and it just creeps me out. My last concern is my sexual habits now as an adult. I have a sexual interest for being degraded, dominated or raped. I call my boyfriend daddy (although I'm not thinking about my real father at all when I say this) and get off on being treated like his property to use and abuse. I don't know why this turns me on, it just does. In fact, I'm not interested in sex at all unless this dynamic is at play. I wonder if it has to do with my past. Given all of these things, do you think it's likely I was molested? Obviously you don't know for certain any more than I do but this thought keeps nagging me. How do I deal with these thoughts emotionally and mentally? Is there any way to "heal" without proof it definitely happened? I'm already depressed about several things in my life and this worry is not making it any easier. Thank you for reading.
  6. I am 24 years old, soon to be 25. Female. Still living with my parents. Crap job. Don't have one friend to talk to. My future is going nowhere. I apologize if this is jumbled up but my life is a wreck and I don't know how to express it very well. To start, I have a part time job in retail, selling clothes, and I am completely miserable. I don't make hardly enough money to move out with my current salary and do not have the qualifications necessary to get another job, so I'm stuck where I am. My parents keep putting subtle pressure on me to move out - saying I need to figure my life out and get it together. They seem to believe that I can just go out and get an excellent job like that. I would do that in a heartbeat but how am I supposed to without necessary qualifications or experience? I look at job boards weekly and I don't qualify for anything that's in demand. I'm just a burden taking up space and adding to their electricity bill and I hate myself for it. I got a bachelors in psychology which is completely useless. "What to do with a psych degree" is a popular google search which ends up fruitless. To become a counsellor requires a surprisingly large amount of certification and after all of that their salary is still low. I don't have a passion for it anyway so I don't know why I studied it. Typical me, making stupid decisions. I have no passions or direction. If I knew what I wanted to do at least I could work towards it somehow, but I have no clue, no interest and no spark in my life. I see my old friends from high school and they're mostly successful. Many of them studied accounting and finance which is a huge industry where I live. They got necessary experience from interning years ago alongside university, and are already living on their own and building a successful career. Although we graduated high school at the same time I am years behind them. I don't know why I was such an ***** and chose to study something that has little opportunity. It seems as if everyone got their life planned out early while I just went with the flow.. Until I realized it's too late and I've made nothing of my life. On another forum site 2 years ago I wrote about the SAME thing I'm posting today. How I have no job, no friends, living with parents, etc. Yes two years ago. Years have gone by and I haven't improved myself at all. 2018 will be the same and I'm ready to end it all.
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