Nafo23

I'm not sure exactly how to start this. I'm not used to sharing depression topics with anyone, let alone strangers on the internet, but I don't know where else to turn. I've been dealing with depression and severe anxiety since I was in 6th grade, and it's only gotten worse since then. I'm now a Junior in high school, and I need help. It started out as just a self image issue. I disliked some things about my body, and that caused a lot of anxiety. But, over time, it got worse. It's at a point now where I can't find a single thing I like about myself or what I've done. I just constantly **** up my life and relationships with people, but don't get motivated enough to fix them. The one good part left of me is trapped behind a glass wall, watching how the rest of me is ****ing up, but never being able to fix or change things. I've tried to tell this to people, but none of them stick around. No one wants to be friends with a depressed person, so I hide it. I go out in public and pretend to be happy. Every day I smile, while my depression just eats away at me. People think I'm happy and funny, so they get close to me, but once I show that ugly, depressed side, people get scared and leave me. Now, I just tell people I'm ok, when in reality I'm dying inside. I've had 3 therapists, and none of them have been able to help me. I don't know what to do about this. I'm trapped. I'm ruining my life and my friendships and my chance at a happy future, but depression has me held down. I find myself crying myself to sleep every night. I want meds, I want drugs, I want ****ing anything to just stop the pain for at least a few minutes. I don't care if it hurts me or damages my body, I just want this pain to stop.

I appreciate the reply, but I shouldn't have to keep quiet about it. I understand that some people won't agree with me being bisexual, but when the lgbt community proclaims itself as a place of safety and acceptance, I should be able to be who I am without fear of being judged or bullied. Straight people and gay people are allowed to wear their sexuality on their sleeve, so why should I have to hide it?

Aw, I love Brokeback Mountain! I appreciate the reply. Because of the binary nature of sex, male and female (not that someone can't identify to something outside of that) people also perceive sexuality the same way. A man either likes the opposite gender or their own.

Why is Bisexuality so hard for people to understand? I've met plenty of both gay and straight people who have told me to just pick a gender to like. It gets so tiring having so many people think that they know who I am and how I should feel. Every day it's a struggle dealing with gay people acting like I'm not all the way gay, and straight people acting like I'm not all the way straight. It's like a s***ty middle ground, where both parties treat you like an outcast instead of letting you be apart of both. I love being bi, but when people treat me like a freak rather than a human being, it makes me feel less welcome in my own community. I've always had self image issues, and they've always contributed to my depression, so having people treat me like this has had a really negative effect on me, to the point where I'm not even telling my friends about my sexuality, out of fear of them thinking less of me. Has anyone else here had to deal with something like this?