Floor2017 reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, sorry...more "woe is me"
How does one find purpose in life when their wished upon purpose can't happen. I feel lost. Im not successful at work, I just barely get by, I've volunteered at a multitude of different types of places and its not filling my void. just existing is not working for me. I dont have friends but just acquaintances. I end up doing everything alone cause there is no one to call. im just living....breathing....and nothing else. everyone around me has progressing lives. I can no longer find it in me to even be happy for them. my coworker who went thru a nasty divorce 3 yrs ago...just got engaged. how is it that some people can find love twice in life and I cant find it once? How come mothers who pawn there kids off so they can go party, get to even have kids, and I cant? How is that some people just walk into wealth and i work my ass off and get no where? I just dont even know why I exist. I cant seem to find my purpose. All i wanted was a happy life and all ive experienced was "getting thru" each day. I really never imagined a life of solitude and loneliness, I truly always believed life would get better. I hung on to that idea so tightly that I failed to protect and prepare myself from it not happening.
Floor2017 reacted to nhaar for a blog entry, Back at home and facing a problem with antipsychotics
I was finally checked out from hospital last Friday. It feels so good to be at home. I've kept myself quite busy. There is no space or time for depression right now.
Hypomania is gone so I am delightfully enjoying steady mindset. I've still got lot of energy but I guess that's the real me - active, motivated and creative. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the real you when you've been sick so long and your illness has become part of your identity. Or at least you think it's who you are. You are not your illness even though it's part of you.
I learned lot of useful tools at the ward when I participated in psycho-education. I have tried to use those tools as much as I can. One I remember well is to do one thing a day that you need to do. And do one thing a day that brings you joy. It doesn't matter if you can't feel joy. You just need to do things that promote your feeling of control and capacity. Some day you will notice that one thing brings you joy again. For me these things usually are household chores and doing my makeup. No matter how tired I feel I will do a chore and I will put on my makeup.
I have recently faced a problem that is really bothering me right now. I've worked really hard to overcome but sometimes it's really frustrating. I believe most of us using Quetiapine (Seroquel) are battling with this weight issue. Weight gain is very common with antipsychotics. I've gained a lot weight since November when my dosage was tripled.
A good thing is that I've started to exercise and mind what I eat. But the weight issue is a real deal. I exercise five days a week but my weight just keeps going up every week so it's very frustrating. I talked my nurse about this and we agreed on to keep going on like this for few more weeks before consulting my doctor about possible changes on medication. I am not overweight yet but I don't feel comfortable in my own body.
I hope to embrace this healthy lifestyle again and keep on going. Exercising is so important for your mental health too. And it takes only about an hour of your day. Here in North we've still got a full winter but it won't stop me putting my sneakers on and head for a run.
Have a great week everybody and please go out and enjoy nature 🙂
Floor2017 reacted to Soarsie18 for a blog entry, My depression story
*I posted this on the new members forum, so if you've read it already just ignore it. Just wanted to get it on the blog X
Hi, my name is Meg. I am 18 years old, and I suffered from major depression for the past 4 months.
I've come to learn so much in the past four months, some of the most important things i've learned in my lifetime.
I want to share my story and the things that i've learned from this experience in the hopes that one of you - out there, may be able to relate, feel normal, and unashamed of your mental illness. Because thats what it is - an ILLNESS. Its not something you choose to attract into your life, it controls you, and its hard to fight.
The simplest things in life become such a battle, and life itself becomes pointless - you do not find any enjoyment in anything anymore, and your only causing grief to the people who are closest to you. You feel it would be better if you didn't exist. And I think that level of pain some people struggle to understand. So I want to share what it was like, because there shouldn't be a stigma around any illness - mental or physical. after all, ignorance can cost lives.
If you keep fighting long enough, you will get better. I promise.
Little disclaimer: I want to make it clear that nothing 'awful' has ever happened to me. I've been very lucky in life. I have a caring family, with no money issues, poverty, normal education, and good health. Maybe people from the outside, looking in at my life would think 'what does she have to be depressed about?" or 'she's being over dramatic" or "that i'm ungrateful'. It doesn't matter what the cause of your depression is. No matter how big or small that cause is. Every depression should be taken seriously. Never feel that you are unworthy of feeling the way that you do, just because some people have it worse than you do. I've hated myself for a long time over this exact reason. Depression is so individual to a person. Everyone faces hardships. And you can only compare you're own hardships to what you've experienced personally. What's hard for you, may not be hard for someone else, but thats ok. We are all different, and trust me, that doesn't make you any less of a person than anyone else.
So without further a due, let's begin...
I have always wanted to be a vet, basically since i found out what a vet was. It's been my lifelong dream and passion. I had finished AS (AS is midway exams in A levels) in 2017, with AAA grades - exactly what was required for veterinary. The year later i applied to universities. I remember being nervous, but excited for interviews. And coming out of the interviews thinking that I had done ok, and that I had a shot of getting an offer (especially after all of my hard work in the exams).
From january to March in 2018, i received emails from 4 of the universities, all REJECTIONS. This knocked my confidence MASSIVELY. I felt inadequate, and actually embarrassed that i had done so bad since it was something I was so passionate about. It affected me so much that I was too distracted to revise and focus on my school work (despite my efforts).
On March 31st i received an email from Bristol (my last uni and last hope at getting an offer). I remember before opening the email i kept telling myself over and over in my head 'it's a rejection' 'it's a rejection'.
When i opened the email, i was shocked to see that they had given me an offer, i was absolutely over the moon. They later sent me a formal letter with the offer on it, and as motivation, i stuck the letter up on my wall. From that day on, i started to revise like crazy, i was so adamant to get the grades and not lose the offer. I would stay up all night (literally). When i was really tired, i would set an alarm that would allow me to sleep 2 hours MAXIMUM. I would drink 19 cans of pepsi a day, just so that i could stay awake. I never left the house, and I sat at my desk for so long that my legs would swell up, to the point that i wouldn't be able to put my shoes on (i'd have to wear my sisters shoes instead because she had bigger feet)
As you can imagine those exams were an absolute disaster. My mind was foggy and my anxiety was through the roof. I knew i had messed up.
When results day came, i wasn't surprised that i had failed.
This is when my depression started, slowly creeping up on me at the realisation that all that sacrifice was for nothing.
2018 - 2019
That summer for me was very hard, I felt depressed from the moment my exams ended. It felt like I was in a big pit. and there was no way for me to climb out. Sometimes it felt like i was so deep down that i couldn't see the sun shining anymore. I couldn't imagine myself happy in the future anymore. I couldn't understand why it had happened to me, when i had tried so hard and sacrificed so much to follow my dreams.
At the end of the summer I remember sitting down with one of my friends at a cafe. I opened up to her about how i had been feeling, and although she didn't understand it completely, her advice was 'everything happens for a reason, i'm sure some good will come out of this'.
A week later i received a text from my aunt inviting me to go and stay with them for a year, attend school in the same year as my cousin (who i'll call - May). And resit my exams.
I felt ecstatic, it was as if everything had fallen into place, and i found my reason. I needed to fail, so that i could learn from my mistakes, and have a second chance at getting it right - learning how to have a good work-life balance, making new friends, becoming more independent, and ofc going out to parties as i had missed many the year before, all whilst attending a very good school, with my cousin. For me, it offered everything that i had wanted to experience in uni - independence, new friends, and fun. For the first time in ages, i felt like i could actually go through with the year. That this new life I had envisaged in Cardiff would be good enough to get me through interviews and exams again.
However, this story isn't that simple !
life never is, the reason why bad things happen to us might not be obvious. In fact i don't really believe 'everything happens for a reason'.
Life is far more complicated than that.
However, i do believe that there is something to be learned from every bad incident.
Bad things in life help us to evolve and become stronger, more caring people.
And so, with that saying in mind. Let's delve into part 2, of 2018 - 2019
2018 - 2019 (september onwards)
I started my cousins school in September. I moved in with them. I took the train every weekend back home, bought my own groceries, walked to school. And had the opportunity to get used to life in the city. I was having the time of my life ! in fact, i can't think back to a time when I was happier. I had a nice group of friends in school. I was a little more mature. And was way more confident.
However things started to quickly fall apart after a few weeks of living there.
[My cousin - May]
I had known my cousin all my life. She was a year younger than me. And although i disliked her at times, we could get along in short encounters. She would always have these mood swings, where she would go from 'life of the party' to 'annoyed at everything'. She quickly started to turn against me. She wouldn't talk to me (despite all my efforts to form a connection with her). She would run away from me, to avoid having to walk home with me. She would block me from the friend group chat. angle photos so that i wasn't in them... all sorts of childish things. Once I posted a photo of us hugging on instagram, with the caption 'thanks to the johns for putting up with me 24/7, lots of love'.
I don't know why exactly, i felt a great amount of gratitude for them for letting me stay with them, and i guess a part of me wanted to mend things between me and May.
May messaged me, saying that she hated the photo, she was absolutely LIVID with me. I tried to apologise the best i could, but she wouldn't calm down, she kept attaching me.
I was devastated that this had only made things worse between us.
The most interaction I could manage with May was small talk, about the weather and things like that. Often she wouldn't say anything back.
Or even worse, she would make some comment that would make me feel bad about myself. For example - i would try to joke with her about not being able to do my tie properly, and she would look at me with annoyed and say 'thats not funny, why are you laughing'
The whole situation with May and the family made me feel awkward and disliked by everyone in the house. I would start to retreat more and more over time.
[The burglary ]
I traveled from Swansea to Cardiff every Sunday - consistently.
One weekend my mum drove me back to my aunts house, she dropped me off there, whilst she had to go and get some money out for me to use during the week.
Whilst my mum was out, I was busy putting my food away in the fridge. It was 10 pm at night.
Whilst I was busy doing this, two policemen came up to the front door. I let them in, and they started questioning me - Name, age, relationship to my Aunt.
They asked me where my Aunt was and I told them that she must be in the house somewhere, so I led them upstairs, to the bedrooms. At this point I realised that all the lights on the second floor were turned off. Slightly panicked now I started to call out for my Aunt. I passed one of the windows on the second floor, and I could see outside, 2 police vans, and several police cars behind. There were several policemen searching around the outside of the house with torches and police dogs. I had never seen so many policemen in one place. At this point my heart started to race, I couldn't help thinking that someone had been ********. The more I called out for my Aunt, the more I started to believe that this might be true.
After about 10 minutes of searching the house, the policemen were called downstairs.
Once back in the kitchen I could see my Aunt and my 2 cousins outside, they were talking to a policeman. At this point I felt so relieved that they were ok.
I watched as the police left and drove off. And my aunt and my cousins entered the house again.
My aunt went upstairs without saying a word to me. I questioned my cousins on what happened.
This is what they said ....
"We heard noises coming from downstairs and mum thought it was a burglar. We all had to hide in the room upstairs, and mum called the police. Mum was so scared that she was crying. When we saw the police here, we climbed down the fire escape to the front of the house'
and then one of them repeated
'You made mum cry'
I remember feeling ashamed of myself and guilty.
I went to my room and I could hear the 3 of them talking about me in the room below mine.
I phoned my mum that night from my bed because I was in a state of shock. My mum told me that she couldn't come back to the house with the money because here were police vans blocking the driveway. The police had apparently blocked off the road leading to the house, and were preventing anyone from going through.
I couldn't understand how they thought I was a burglar when I had been coming to the house the same time, same day, every single weekend.
My mum left the money with her friends that lived in the area (Declan and Ali). They dropped the money off the following day.
My mums understanding of the 'burglary' was, that my Aunt phoned the police to teach me a lesson. NOW, I know this sounds crazy and far fetched. But my Aunt is my mums older sister. They know each other better than anyone else would, and before this they had always had a good relationship.
So my mum would only say this if she truly believed that that was the case. She believed that my Aunt was annoyed that we didn't send her a text on that particular occasion- saying that we were on our way. And so she phoned the police and everything to prove a point that we should have texted her.
I didn't realise at the time, but later learned just how controlling my Aunt is.
The weeks following the burglary incident i progressively felt more and more uneasy around the family. I would often go out for long walks on the streets just to avoid being in their company. I would always cook my own meals do my own washing/ clean up to try and make life as easy as I could for them (and maybe possibly get them to like me more).
I decided to give May some more space. I had come to the conclusion that I was intruding on her life too much (her friends/ family) and thats why she was annoyed with me all the time. So i backed off, and did whatever I could to please her.
One day, whilst I was in the middle of writing an essay for one of my applications to veterinary, my aunt came into my room. She was angry with me. She said that I was odd, that there was something wrong with me, and that they had to put up with it. She blamed me for not spending more time with them. She then preceded to tell me that I was being mean to May, that I was ruining her year and if I didn't improve my relationship with her then she would have to kick me out. When she said this my eyes started to well up with tears. The thought of going home - back to solidarity, no friends etc was my worst nightmare. And at the same time, I felt completely and utterly defeated. I had been trying to fix my relationship with May for weeks. And yet she was blaming me for everything !
After this, my mental health started to deteriorate massively. I missed out on school more, in an effort to avoid May. And i spent most of my time in my room.
I felt so guilty.
My lovely Aunt had sacrificed so much so that i could stay with them, and this is how i re-payed her.
The depression started to creep back in.
I became so affected with guilt that i started comfort eating. I wanted to punish myself.
Within 2 months I had gained 2 stone. I went from 7 and 1/2 stone -> to 9 1/2 stone.
I had never been that big before.
My mum was concerned for me, especially because of the condition that i was in the year before. She arranged for me to see a psychotherapist who also did hypnosis. (his name was Lenard)
I was reluctant to see him on our first session. I remember I refused to get out of the car, and my mum had to phone my dad to help her get me into Lenards house.
I'm not going to lie, the first session was awkward. But over time I started to trust Lenard, I would open up more to him. And I actually found myself looking forward to his sessions. It was more like having a chat with a beloved friend. And I always left the sessions feeling 10x better.
However recovery isn't that easy or quick unfortunately. The short spurt of happiness and hope from Lenards sessions would only last a few days, at most, before I fell back into the black hole that is depression.
I would lie in bed all day and night. Watching Netflix on my computer, as a distraction from reality. I was never really able to focus on anything. I wouldn't sleep well at night and often would be up until morning. I had completely retreated from society, refusing to go to school, or get dressed.
Each day became monotonous, it was too hard to push myself to change anything. It was hard enough fighting my depression enough to take a shower or brush my teeth, let alone be social and pretend that everything was ok.
At this point I wanted to die.
I had never been so depressed before. It completely took over my life.
I was unable to do anything.
I can't think of a single moment, in those three months, that I was actually, truly happy.
I just wanted to stop existing.
But at the same time i knew that i couldn't **** myself.
I had to watch on as my family fell to pieces worried over me. Whilst being absolutely unable to do anything about it.
I would make endless plans to try and get my life back together, but i would only be able to follow them for a few days consistently before the effort of doing so became too much.
I would always crash, and the more I crashed, the more hopeless I become.
My Mum decided that I needed more short term methods to help me recover. Something that would work fast, so that I wouldn't end up screwing my exams over again.
So she booked me in to see a psychiatrist, someone who could prescribe me some anti-depressants.
My Aunt wanted to go with me to see the psychiatrist so that she could give the psychiatrist 'a better picture of what I was like'.
Of course my mum said no to this as she was aware that my Aunt was biased against me.
So instead my aunt (a doctor) decided to send her own letter to the psychiatrist that I was seeing.
It was a clinical examination of me. Each box on the letter had different conditions that she was trying to diagnose me with. e.e
-> for OCD she said that I played the piano compulsively
-> for emotional attachment she said that I was always emotionally detached from a young age and would struggle to give hugs + eye contact
-> she said that I had social issues, and needed social situations to be explained to me
-> she said that I was often hurtful to my cousins
-> and she suggested that I should go and see an autism specialist
The letter she sent was very contrived, she had either twisted things that my mum had said to her, taken things out of context, or straight up lied, about how I was.
Yes, I was a shy child, I wasn't the type who like to be the centre of attention. But I never felt that I didn't fit in with people, I had always managed to make friends throughout my life, and had never needed/ had social situations explained to me.
Also - the piano thing. Yes, I really like to play the piano, but I wasn't compulsively obliged to play it.
My parents tried to hide the letter from me, but weeks after seeing the psychiatrist, and starting anti-depressants, I found the letter on my mums phone.
At this point I actually felt good about myself. I know some of you may think thats an unusual response to seeing that kind of letter written about yourself. But for me, it confirmed all the things my psychotherapist was trying to tell me. My Aunt was biased against me, and nothing I did for them would ever be good.
The letter made it clear to me that my Aunt was wrong about me.
And from that point onwards I stopped feeling guilty.
And I started recovering.
However I still had a lot of emotions to deal with, at first anger, followed by self-pity and feeling like a victim. Neither helped me to get better.
It wasn't until my therapist told me this.. "I am so proud of you, the difference in you now, compared to when you first saw me is incredible. You have become a lot stronger person" (Although I wasn't healed yet).
He made me realise the difference in me. That I was now far more self-assure, able to stand up for myself.
He said that it was a hard lesson for me to swallow, that everyone is flawed in some way, and that life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to be, it's not fair, and it doesn't make sense.
But through all that I evolved to be a better person. And if you asked me now honestly, would I rather that the whole depression incident didn't happen, I would say no. I wouldn't change a thing. For once I can actually say that i'm proud of myself.
1. I know that I can face tough things in life.
2. I am way more caring and sensitive to peoples feeling than i've ever been before
3. I am far more appreciative of the life that I have, and the people that are in it
4. I am more outgoing, and for once feel that I have just as much of a right to exist as everyone else
5. I am far better at self-reflection, and more aware of looking after my mental state
No recovery wasn't perfect. It took a month of 40mg of anti-depressants to get me feeling like myself again. I remember I woke up one day and I could do whatever I wanted. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from me. It was EASY to be me again.
Everyone deals with depression differently, and everyone recovers from depression differently. I'm glad to say that now, mid march I am back to my old self again. And it's an amazing feeling.
I am 100% sure that without the therapy and the drugs that I had, I wouldn't have recovered from the dark place I was in. If i were to recover on my own, it would have taken me years. There is no shame in getting help.
When I was 14 I was able to get myself out of my depression through forcing myself to exercise, eat well, and socialise - it took me 6 months, but it worked eventually.
That wasn't the answer this time round though. You can't always do it by yourself, and thats ok. That doesn't make you weaker than anyone else.
Look at me as an example. The same person, but two different incidences of depression.
As I said before, I wouldn't change a thing. I know thats easy for me to say now, that it's all over. But I promise you that it's worth getting better. And being able to appreciate life again, after having lived several months in a very dark place, is THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD.
There is someone out there who wants to help you. For me it was my parents, despite everything that they've been through.
If you want someone to talk to, someone who understands what you're going through on a personal level. I am happy to be that person. Just let me know. I would hate to think of anyone feeling the way that I did. No one deserves that. And to get better sometimes you need to talk. XXX - Meg
Floor2017 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Been Awhile, Weather, Oh & a Small Rant
I didn't realize it's been so long since I put up a blog post - Feb 4th is the date of my last one. Wow. Time flies, eh?
We got out of work early yesterday for snow - by the time I got out to my car, there was actually about 4" on it. If you're from one of the northern US states, or Canada even, don't laugh too hard at me... We Midwesterners don't know what to do with snow, LOL. Bake us to death at over 110F and we're in our element; change the weather on a daily basis from 32F highs to 70+F highs to tornado and flood warnings - all in the space of one week during the 'winter' - and we just laugh. But snow? Mass panic. So work opens an hour late today, and there is no school. All for about 4"-6" of snow and frozen slush. Hey, any break in the work week is fine with me!
I'm not sure what else to say.
<<<<<< Bit of a 'trigger warning' here - I'm on a bit of a rant as staff in the comments below, though no names are mentioned of course - so if you don't want to deal with that, here's your chance to bail. Oh, and here's an instructional meme for you, LOL. Just keep scrolling until you see the next meme. Cheers!>>>>>>
I had a bit of a disagreement with someone here. I hate it when that happens - it messes me up for weeks, believe it or not. This person used a PM & no links to bring a problem to our attention, instead of a report. When it took longer than they thought it should to take care of it, they got snarky, implying much laziness on our part. I found this attitude very upsetting.
I don't know whether I found it more hurtful or angering. I work full time, & I have responsibilities to my husband and to my family - those things have to come first. This is true, to one degree or another, for all the staff who give their time here. Because I use the site as staff, and generally have 'responsibilities' when I come here, most weeks I can only manage to be here @ three times a week, for about an hour or so each time. And I have a lot to do in that time - and I also have a lot to do that does not get done regularly enough. But my mental health is important, too. So it really upset me that this person was so flippant about how I should spend my time here, and that they treated me like a lazy employee. TBH, I don't have the time to sift through all the forums or 'search' threads, no matter how 'little' time this person thinks it will take. Because that's not the only issue I have to deal with, and that's generally not the only 'problem thread' I have to deal with. And I'm not the webmaster! This is true to a degree, for all staff here. We have different levels of responsibility, but we all take our 'work' here seriously, and it is highly important to all of us to be here and do our best while we are here. Some of us can be here more often than others, and we all have different proficiencies and strengths we bring. We also have different issues & struggles that can make being here problematic at times - we have 'hard times' too. It just angered me that this person was so flippant about all that - like we are recalcitrant employees who are too lazy to do their 'job' right.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<Okay, rant over now. Here's another meme to mark your place. Cheers again! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I have to say that I really do appreciate it when members take time out of their own time here to report something - it really is helpful when you file a report, or even pose your site related problem in the q&a thread. It helps us focus on problem areas first. I know there are so many things that end up sliding 'under the radar', because we are short staffed. It can be emotionally demanding, and using the site as a staff member feels different and has different stressors than you might realize. So when members take time to report problems they see, and post about problems they are having in the appropriate forum, it really is very helpful. And those of you who take time out to visit the new members forum, and welcome people - you contribute so much more than you realize! You the members, and how you look out for each other, are the ones who really make DF a special & safe place.
Floor2017 reacted to nhaar for a blog entry, Update
It's been a while since I wrote last time. Maybe some of you have been wondering how things are with me.
I've been at home since last Friday. The kids have a winter break from school this week so that's why they let me home. We were on a cruise to Sweden and kids really enjoyed being on a cruise liner. I spent good time relaxing in a cabin while kids were exploring the ship.
We are also celebrating my son's 13th birthday this week. I can't believe I am a mother to a teenager. I also took a liberty to celebrate for my 13 years of motherhood and went out last night. My doctor specifically told me not to drink but I thought what harm could it do. Well, I regret it now. Alcohol doesn't suit me at all. Wish I understood my limits better. I guess it would be better for my illness not to drink.
Anyway, this week has been great. My moods are allright and suicidal thoughts have decreased dramatically. I believe it's Lithium that evens out not just my moods but my thoughts too. I haven't taken any extra pills or cut myself. That's really something.
Next week I'll be back at the ward as a day patient. I think that's very good. Next week is different from this one when the whole family has been at home. Hardest part of my day has been when the kids are at school and I am left alone so it's good I have hospital environment supporting me.
It will be very hard for me to build a day routine. At the hospital I've been learning the basics again but I am not very confident I can keep up the routines at home. Just have to give it a try. Maybe write down on a paper to see if that helps.
This post turned out more like a random rant. Maybe try to stick on one topic next week.
Have a great weekend!
Floor2017 reacted to RiverLight for a blog entry, Through Tough Times, Have Things to Look Forward To
This is going to be long. Both my fiance and I are having a rough time right now. Together, we are doing great and are strong, so that's not an issue. But we are both facing enormous and mounting work stress. His job is now 100% commission and his checks have significantly dwindled lately, to no fault of his own but due to dysfunction within the company. He is beyond stressed about the dwindling income, naturally, which makes things harder for us financially. I am very stressed about my own job because my plate is overfull with clients and due to the structure of our work. I won't get into the details, but it's far too much, and this week I spoke with HR, the CEO and my boss about it in a meeting that was called because of the issue I was having.
Now I don't know if there will be negative repercussions from that meeting, which worries me a bit. Beforehand, HR told me that the CEO respects me. I am the most senior person in my group and department, I am doing great according to my boss and HR, and when I first arrived, my boss point blank asked me for my input and feedback on how they do things and whether they can be done differently or better. So after learning the ropes, I finally spoke up and gave them my feedback.
When I spoke with HR after this group meeting, it seemed that I may not have gotten my point across in the way I had originally intended and that perhaps I did not express myself in the best way to the CEO about the issue I was having. However, my boss is now working with me on ways to resolve the issues I brought to the table, so at least something positive came out of it. But the writing is on the wall for me there: I have to leave -- bottom line. After seven months, I've decided the place is dysfunctional, it's a high burnout work environment that loses more employees than it hires, and I am no longer happy there. That is OK, but I am VERY eager to get out. Having one foot out the door, or really, both feet, helps me to feel much better about it though. It's just a short-lived pain I have to endure. I know I am a very strong person and that I can handle this, but I need to rely on my coping skills and on some days, I feel I am about to break down and lose it.
Now, on top of our individual work stress, my fiance is also facing massive daily migraines that won't go away, a shoulder injury that has resurfaced, and an unhealed and painful broken toe. He's in immense physical pain and agony every day recently. This has come on suddenly, during the last week or two. He thinks his shoulder injury was exacerbated while shoveling. The migraines he believes are due to his work stress. He is very strong though through this, which I admire about him. He still maintains his sense of humor through the pain, which is absolutely amazing to me. I wouldn't be able to withstand that level of pain and I would be in tears, but he has a much higher threshold than I do. I am pretty blown away by his strength, and I honestly need this right now or else I would completely crumble. I need him to be strong. I cannot shoulder my stress, his stress and his physical pain all by myself.
So today I have decided that I am going to think of all that I have to look forward to that will help me cope with all the stress. We will have a beautiful Valentines Day celebration later this week, I have a paid holiday next Monday the 18th, we have several amazing concerts coming up in March and April, and then in May, we get married and go on vacation for a full week. This is how I cope-- I need fun activities and breaks to look forward to.
And today I will also apply for a job that couldn't be more perfect for me. In fact, it's the exact role I decided I want. So I'm putting my effort into that application, which will also help me to feel better. I think I will aim to apply for a job once a week, if possible.
Also today I am going to put on my most positive attitude and embrace everything that is positive and good. I am completely dreading work tomorrow & this week due to client calls I must hold, but I can get through this, as I have always have. At least my fiance and I have each other, and we keep saying that. As long as we have each other, we can make it. Plus, we have many things to look forward to!!!!
So, on that note, I must wrap up and start my day. Valuable takeaway: when going through rough times, line up and schedule fun activities and breaks for yourself that you can look forward to and which will help ease the stress.
Floor2017 got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Live Everyday Like You’re Dying
Nobody, wants to let their last day be a
day of disappointment. So,if we learn
to live like everyday is our last day we
would get more out of everyday we live.
I know it want be easy but we can train
our mind to become more motivated about
life than what we are currently doing.
Hang in there my friend and I wish nothing
but the best for everyone.
Floor2017 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Day 2? Sort Of?
Yesterday was my second day in a row of walking. It was damn cold (wind chill of 25F) and my eyes watered because half the time I was walking into the wind. But I did it. I am going to walk at least one lap, at least 6 days a week.
Part of me gets so discouraged - all I can seem to see is an endless procession of weeks parading out before me - egads, I can't do that! So I will narrow my vision - I'm only walking this week. Sounds short-sighted, but an enormous part of what sabotages me really is that tendency to look out into the far future, and see the rest of the weeks of my life, and me walking every day. It even overshadows the fact that I get a sense of accomplishment when I walk, and I feel better. Not that 'high' that some people talk about, but when you struggle with depression, even moderate 'feel betters' can feel pretty high. 😉 So just for this week, I'm walking at least one lap (8/10mile), but an extra half lap is preferred (making 1.3miles ish).
I leave you with a goal - Squirrel Fu - which I hope to master someday... without breaking my hips.
Floor2017 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, Turning Point
It's time to step up.
I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person.
I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse.
This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked about the boot on my foot, I just told them these are my dancing shoes.
I worked 130-137 hour weeks, for 8 weeks straight, to start my business. That's the hardest I've ever had to work, and now with things expanding I know I might be in for worse in the next few months, but I know its worth it, and I know I did that when I was seven years younger, with all of the inexperience and weakness that comes with that.
I fought hard, and that doesn't even scratch the surface.
I did the work. Now I'm spending most of my time wanting to throw it away. Why? Because, I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person. Not for anything I've done, but because there is something inherently wrong with me. There is no rationality. I just feel that the entirety of the world wants me gone, because there is something wrong with me. Any tiny thing goes wrong, or I'm alone with my thoughts for five minutes, and I want to put an end to it all.
That's not what this is.
This illness will not conquer me. I will not break to it.
There is one simple fact that I'm going to acknowledge as absolute fact: I am a good person.
I wont allow myself to question that when in the midst of depression, I have proven the opposite enough. I'll take luxury of that, and I'll build from there.
Obviously this isn't an illness you can shrug off, and I do believe I'll be fighting it for my entire life, but this does have to be a turning point. Today, this hour, this minute, has to be a turning point. This cannot continue.
It's time to clean up my act, and start taking every little win I can, every little positive I can build in my life I need to build. I need to make this better, whatever the path to that may involve.
Floor2017 reacted to nhaar for a blog entry, January 11
Things haven't improved for me during the last couple of days. I spend most of my day in bed. I get up in the morning and go back to bed as soon as the kids have left for school. I stay in bed all day except when I get up to make dinner.
The weather has been amazing but I don't go out. Kids have been asking me to take them skating or skiing but I have no energy. It's so pretty outside and I love winter and snow but I am missing all winter fun. Maybe I feel better next month.
My doctor called me today. I met my therapy contact yesterday and she asked the doctor to call me. The doctor wasn't willing to make any changes to my medication but we talked about ECT. We decided to continue ect. I am very happy with that because it really did help me, it just ended too soon. I am hopeful now that things will get better for me and this year will be succesful for me in many ways.
Floor2017 reacted to Gisele for a blog entry, Fare thee well
After electrocuting me half to death on New Year's Day, my husbands best friend came over. I imagined he was here to make amends but alas the subject never came up. Probably for the best, really.
Instead he invited us onto his yacht for the day. Alex and the children had already made arrangements to go ice skating and I only saw two problems with that: it is the middle of gorgeous summer and I have broken enough bones. So I'm not brimming with curiosity to know what falling face first onto an ice rink would be like.
I was therefore free and said I would love to.
He said they were going to be sailing in a race so I then said best I don't go.
He asked why not.
I said because it seemed like to much hard work doing boaty things and I couldn't be counted in doing anything in the nick of time, which seems like there is a lot of in a boat race.
He said I needn't worry because there are buttons for everything.
That was more or less a giant lie.
I said, great, I'll go if I can sit at one end like a mermaid and offer occasional words of polite encouragement, I also offered to sledge other competitors or maybe get my top off or whatever to lull them onto a reef or whatever and he said that wouldn't be necessary. Actually, he might have made me promise not to do any of that but, perhaps unfortunately, he has known me for a long time.
It was more fun than I imagined. It was also affluent people getting the ruler out but one can't be too critical when one is married to one. Oh well.
He asked me later if I enjoyed the day and of course I did. I also said this sailing lark makes a fine metaphor. I said for 'life'. I meant 'mental disease and emotional turmoil' but thought better of lowering the tone. And it does. Looking for wind, tacking to find it, putting the big, balloony thing out to make the most of it, etc, etc It's all like life.
He said two things. Firstly, it's called a spinnaker and the rest is all fine, but if you want to get serious, then people just need to change the boat.
I warned him to not encourage my beloved to think like that.
He laughed and said I had homework if I was at all worried about that.
I think it's time to change a boat or two myself though. Like this one and all the other one's bobbing around, like corks, on the sea of self-reflection. I think not only have I had enough of that, it's usefulness does not feel as tangible as it once did. Therapy is down to three-monthly catch-ups so I ain't the only one seeing this. That's encouraging.
So...have yourselves a ripper 2019. I won't be here and not even once. Will see what 2020 brings.
Never say never
Floor2017 got a reaction from Nekoz for a blog entry, Investing In Yourself
Investing In Yourself
Life can become extremely hard but we
got to get up everyday trying to invest
In ourselves. Even if it means having
to learn new ways of surviving. We owe
it to ourselves to try to live the best life
we can under the new circumstances
that life sometimes presents to us.
This is the last day of 2018 and I wish
everyone nothing but the best as we
approach the year of 2019 Tomorrow.
Floor2017 reacted to nhaar for a blog entry, December 31
Happy New Year's Eve everybody!
This is the day to look back and reflect how succesful this year was. What did you learn and what did you experience in 2018?
Mine was hard. Probably the hardest year this far. Despite all struggle, lots of good things happened as well. Let's have a look at my illness first and then all the good stuff.
Those of you that don't know, let me remind you I suffer from bipolar disorder, also known as manic depressive.
I suffered from a mixed episode from January to June. That was horrible and it consumed all my strenght. Having everything at the same time - depression, mania and anxiety is just horrible. It led to crushing and severe depression. I spent a week in a hospital until it turned into mania. Mania lasted about three weeks until I crushed again. I tried to return back to work part-time but I lasted only few weeks before I was hospitalized again. I spent six weeks in hospital where ECT was started. It helped me big time and I returned to home before Christmas.
In total 2018 included one mixed episode, one mania, two severe depression, two long sick leaves and two periods at psych ward.
What about all the good stuff? 2018 was also about good stuff. In January I travelled to London with a friend. That was a great trip. In June I was surprised by my husband. He took me to United States. We visited Las Vegas, New York and Washington DC. That was an amazing surprise. In September I travelled to Western Finland with a friend. We went to hiking in a National Park. That was cool. Also in September I made a trip to Estonia with a friend and kids. That was nice. 2018 also included many other smaller trips with the kids.
Despite of all the trips made and my illness giving me hard time, 2018 was all about learning and growing. 2018 taught me a lot about my illness. I became better terms and acceptance with it. I finally shared my secrets with family and friends. I am not ashamed of my illness anymore. It's part of me and sometimes it gives me hard time. Then I have to focus on getting better and trusting my family to live their everyday life normally.
How was your 2018?
Floor2017 got a reaction from Jumping for a blog entry, CROSSING OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE
In live when you cross from one side to another it does not mean that you want
encounter some storms along the way, But what it does mean is that you will
be alright as long as you KEEP THE FAITH. Be blessed my friends
Floor2017 reacted to nhaar for a blog entry, December 29
Hello dear readers,
Long time no write.
I've been at home few weeks now. The ward is over and ECT is over. I was total six weeks in the hospital. Christmas with all loved ones was the best. The family is happy but I'm still struggling.
ECT helped me big time. It helped with depression and especially with anxiety that has been killin me. I breathe more freely and I am not obsessed with people following or watching me.
I haven't got hypomania after the ward. That is a big relief. Anyone struggling with manic depressive illness knows what I mean. Having only depression is so much easier.
I'm not done with depression but it's not that severe anymore. I feel pretty good everyday but at some point I lost it and it turns into depressive and self-destructive thoughts. Especially self-harm is a problem. I'm not cutting anymore but I am a pill-popper. I take extra pills everyday to make it through the day. Anything that has a sedative effect on me goes. I take the pills because I am angry. I am angry at life. I am angry at my family. I am angry at this illness.
Floor2017 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Adulting.....
Adulting is something I do not want to do today. That is all....
I have to go adult in about five minutes.....
Don't make me adult.....
But I don't wanna adult!
I wanna stay home and play with my dragons and my angels and my super-soldiers!
Here, see? Wouldn't playing with angels be more fun?
(LOL, typical Misha Collins craziness)
Oh, all right....
I'll go adult...
But I'm not gonna' like it....
Floor2017 reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, lost
ive been wanting to write but just feel like its so monotonous. its all the same. im sad, im lonely, im still all alone, still not a mother, still friendless and nothing seems to change. I volunteer, i join meet-up groups, im plastered on multiple dating sites. I continuously reach out to acquaintances despite being ignored. Sometimes i think i try too hard, but then sometimes think im not doing all i can. maybe instead of trying to change my life, i should just embrace it and learn to cope with it. i dont know what im doing wrong or what i should work on to be/get better. im lost. and i cant ask anyone for directions.
Floor2017 reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Waiting for the Ice Queen
I got out into my natural element on Saturday. It was 28F/-2.5C and slightly breezy. I walked over to the big lake to watch Winter begin to take hold. Our weather has been warmer than normal for several weeks so the ice isn't forming as quickly as it usually does...nor do we have any snow.
I'm happier being out in these conditions than I would be at 80F and sunny.