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Mattymatt

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About Mattymatt

  • Birthday 03/03/1977

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    Male
  • Location
    Philadelphia, PA`

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  1. I feel like I hope that when I have surgery next month, that I never wake up.
  2. Well, it happened. I am completely shutdown and things seem super hopeless right now. I am getting help and have been getting help for quite some time but I can barely think and I can't get restive sleep. I'm supposed to get gastric bypass surgery next month and part of me just hopes that I never survive the surgery. I have a living will so that if this does happen, I won't suffer anymore. I called out of work this weekend and I don't have a doctor's note so I am as good as finished but it was a really s***ty job anyway. I am going between being super angry and then ready to cry. Nothing seems to help. I have difficulty with work to begin with because I am disabled so I am both mentally disabled and ill. It's the perfect sh*t storm. I also have to take almost 9 medicines just to remain out of the hospital. My brain feels dead. I cannot even watch my favorite TV shows.
  3. That pit of despair is a real and tangible place to be. I can identify strongly with your fear of plunging into it. I've been close several times since the beginning of this year. My psychiatrist thinks that it might have to do with the fact that I might be getting too much insulin now and that I need to talk to my endocrinologist. There is a strong correlation between blood sugar and mental state. We looked at the readings and she told me that I should not be at fasting levels at the 3pm check time. Diabetes, obesity, and sleep apnea really influence depression.
  4. The brief moment of feeling like the depression was lifting has worn off. The new year "newness" has come and gone. I am back to the same craptastic reality that I live in. I am taking the same 6 medications that I take daily to control hypertension, depression, and diabetes. I am working but I feel absolutely crappy about the job because it really is go nowhere and do nothing. I suppose it's alright for now because I am unable to do much physically anyway due to being 158 pounds overweight. Just walking can be painful and the walking causes my feet to tingle. It's sad when the only thing that I have to look forward to is weight loss surgery sometime next month. No one really looks forward to surgery, but in my case, it's a reason for living ... I guess.
  5. You can do it! I got through my first week of work. If my old carcass can do it, you can survive too. LOL!
  6. I would like to buy an island and go live on it ... away from people. Le sigh.
  7. Today I am struggling to stay positive and grateful. I want to be grateful for being back to work but I instead I feel drained. I want very much not to look back on my life and see what I lost. I want to look to today and forward to what I have coming my way. This is how I want to feel but I don't. Instead I feel depressed, like I am a has been. It's a s***ty feeling, but in the end, it's just a feeling right? By all rights I am moving forward, it just doesn't feel that I am.
  8. You mustered up an incredible amount of courage to be that honest with your sister-in-law. We'll just have to see how this pans out because I am unable to offer any advice. Deep down, I believe that your sister-in-law needed that good healthy dose of reality. It's up to her to act on it.
  9. I feel high levels of anxiety right now about starting my new job tomorrow. I was excited for it but the excitement has worn off. Now, it's just plain old fear. I am trying to concentrate on what is going well at the moment.
  10. If I could dial the years back, there is so much I would change. I realized just how bad the advice I got from teachers was and how the push to go to college just made no sense. I would have learned a trade and gone in a complete opposite direction. Instead, I am a product of my past. Rather than fight it, I am just going to live it. My two goals for this year are to complete weight loss surgery and just to work simply. I start work tomorrow but I am terrified. Surgery might happen as soon as late next month. One thing at a time. I do have a kind of dream job. I really want to work on a freight railroad and have wanted to do this for quite some time. I might pursue this once I get physically healthy enough to perform the job. I am a railfan, train nut, whatever you want.
  11. After a long three years out of work, tomorrow is my first official day starting as a security guard. While I was hired in the first week of January, the background check took a while to come back and I will be *finally* starting work. I am nervous as hell! I don't think I look all that great coming off of disability and what not and I am scared that I am going to screw up and get fired. Part of my habit is to talk a lot when I am nervous. Going to have to reign that one in ....
  12. Thank you for your words, @June322 Well, there are a few things wrong with me but all correctable. For one, I suffer from obesity and diabetes. For another, anxiety and depression but the year has started off with a strong note and I will be starting work tomorrow. At least I don't actively hate my father anymore, that has made me feel better. His dementia is punishment enough. It's funny, although I am an atheists I am still a strong believer in karma - give good and get good. So sadly, his behavior has come full circle. I actually feel somewhat sorry for him because I really wish dementia on no one. I can imagine the internal agony of feeling your mental state helplessly slipping away.
  13. Just saw you were hired.  Congratulations on your new job!  :Coopyahoo:

    1. Mattymatt

      Mattymatt

      Thank you! I am nervous as hell about tomorrow. Tomorrow is my first day. Haven't worked in 3 years so it's going to be an adjustment.

  14. Hi! If it helps any, I know that feeling. Eating large quantities of food is a common way I deal with life's upsets. Of course, the end result has been very unpleasant. I am 170 pounds overweight with all kinds of co-morbidities. Well, next month I will be getting weight loss surgery done in an effort to reverse diabetes and prevent heart disease. I am sure you're young and don't have to worry about that right now but please don't make the mistakes that I've made. At 40, I've suffered plenty for them and wish this on nobody else. I am trading obesity for never being able to eat to make myself feel good again. I won't even be able to enjoy a slice of wedding cake for my brother's wedding in August. Sure, I will look good in a tuxedo but I will have to learn other ways to cope with life's ups and downs.
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