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Everything posted by Royally1nsane

  1. Wow. A whole four months since my last post. Honestly giving myself a pat on the back for not having to update on what's been going on. But I feel like I should share what's been happening so here goes nothing. I quit school. It sounds shocking and disappointing for many people (mom included) because the goal was for me to finish college despite only needing less than 5 classes to finish to get my degree. I don't think I ever mentioned but I never really planned on using my degree. I was miserable with what I was studying. Miserable might not be the best word in this case. I love psychology but I hate studying it. I used to think I would make a career out of it but it didn't make me happy. It probably did more harm than good. So that's why I cut the chord and stopped school altogether. I told my parents a few months back that I would finish out my summer classes and just take a break for a while. Dad understood because he has a history with PTSD. Mom of course wasn't thrilled. She pretty much wanted to yell and scream and wonder why I wasted peoples time and money and why I couldn't just finish school and be done with it. But it's more than that. She'll never understand what it's like to be stressed to the point where you stop going to class and you'd rather drive head first into moving traffic to make the pain go away. She keeps claiming that she does but she really doesn't. I got tired of going back and forth with her about it. She even tried to tell me that she knew people who function with Depression but news flash, depression affects everyone differently. Kudos for people who can "function" with their depression but that's not me obviously. I still haven't told either of my parents that I basically quit school a month or so ago. The original plan was to take the Fall semester off and go back in the Spring to finish but I know I wont do it. I can't possibly do that to myself. When I go back it'll be for the degree I know I want and in something that I would love to do. I used to be afraid to do that but not anymore. I know its what I want in my life. The one constant thing and I plan on going for that. As for my current state of mind, I'm stressed. Last time I posted it was because I was dealing with school but I had found a job. Now I'm struggling looking for a second job because my mom made it clear that if I was not in school she would no longer financially support me. I was okay with that. As long as she wasn't supporting me, then she cant get on my case about anything anymore. So of course I renewed my lease thinking I had plenty of time to get another job. Here we are almost two months later and I still don't have a second job. My current job is enough to pay for rent which has to be paid no question. But without a second source of income, I wont be able to eat except for whatever I bring home from work and even then there are other expenses: Gas, Food, clothes, Luxuries etc. All the things that I would need to sustain my life so I can survive, I wont be able to afford after this month. Unless I can find something within the next 2 weeks, Ill be starving. I can't ask my family to help not without breaking down and crying like im doing now. I feel like I'm drowning and im failing in life. It's ironic. I was so used to working two jobs and trying to go to school but now that I actually need to work two jobs I can't get another one.
  2. I'm back and I guess thats a sign that things have gone down hill again. An update the last time I was here, I was stressed with starting my final semester and looking for a job after quitting the previous one in December. I recently found a job a few weeks ago so I'm happy. It's very minimal stress and it reminds me of my last two jobs, like a hybrid of the two. Which is good because I need as little stress as possible in my life. But here we are again. I've recently discovered that I will be a class short of graduating. The standard practice is that I would be able to walk during the ceremony but just not be able to actually graduate until I finish that class. It amazes me that the same thing I was stressing over last summer is the exact same thing I'm dealing with now, trying to finish school and with the fact that I have to find a new place to live because of my lease. I've only just started working and it will be hard to save up for a new place in such a short amount of time. All of this would be helpful if my parents would answer any of my text messages or phone calls (mainly my mother). So stressing out is an understatement. I start thinking, is it worth even trying to finish school? I have family flying in from out of state to see me graduate and the stress of knowing that it won't even be REAL in that moment is all the worse. I've thought about ending my life at the end of the month. It'll be quick and make all of this stop hurting so damn much.
  3. Sometimes I keep forgetting to come back here and maybe that's good because I usually come here when I'm upset or lonely. I've been so stressed out because classes resume next week and I still don't have a job. It's been over a month or so and still haven't found work yet. I'm all set to give up again. I spoke to a doctor and he recommended a therapist I could speak to while I'm in school. Still looking for some information but things are looking up. I'm even going back on medication because to be fair, I haven't been on it in almost 5 years now.
  4. Spending time with my family has proven to be one of the worst experiences ever. I knew it was a mistake even before the trip was made. But I never seemed to learn from my mistakes. My mother is hurt I didn't tell her about my suicidal thoughts a few weeks ago and now she's been critiquing me on my appearance how I've let myself go, my hygiene is nonexistent and that I need to take better care of myself, even when I'm depressed. She says those are signs of depression and she knows I'm depressed. But what makes me mad is that she doesn't realize that this is hard and I can't just snap out of it. I can't pull myself out of it and that maybe I want to be upset. I'm venting and I apologize but I can't help but feel this way. I don't know what to do and I can't wait to get back home where I don't have to deal with her.
  5. I feel so anxious with it being my last semester coming up. The pressure is definitely there. I need to do phenomenal if I want to graduate and I just feel like I'm doing something I don't want to do anymore. I don't know how to put it into words about how I feel right now at least not to my parents. But wanting to end my life is definitely in the top 3 things thats running through my mind right now. And I'm okay with ending my life,
  6. Congrats! I hope you get your Masters. Honestly, I didn't even go to any of my classes today but I did have a graveyard shift so I was sleeping most of today.
  7. I'm currently a senior in college and I guess you could say I'm on my final stretch. There has been a build-up of anxiety for me because of a couple of things. One is that my graduation is pushed to the fall because of one class I messed up on. Another thing being that my lease for my apartment ends in July which faces me with one of two options: move back home or find a new place to live and we all know that college kids don't make much money to live off of especially with a minimum wage job. Then there is the fact that I'll still be in school for at least another 6 months and honestly, the entire thing scares me and I can't even focus. As of today, I didn't go to any of my classes, I ended up failing an exam because I didn't go to a class today. The only bright side to that is that I can take a cumulative final towards the end but still I couldn't get out of bed today. I don't know what to do and honestly, it hurts to think about all of this.
  8. Honestly, I did nothing all day. I couldn't get out of bed today despite having to take an exam and I didn't do it. The only plus side is that I can take the optional final but I would need to do great on the other exams before that. I don't know how it happens. One minute I'm fine and the next day I'm just stuck in bed, contemplating whether or not I should even bother getting up.
  9. I'm currently still an undergrad but working towards graduate school. I've been living in a student apartment for a few years now and my family has always helped me with the rent and school. We're nearing the end of my final year and I'm faced with a choice between moving to a new place but with me having to pay for everything now or moving back home. It's stressful because things are tense right now back home and I know it's not everyone's cup of tea to move back home with mom and dad. I still have a few months left but the rent rates around me are high at least for a college undergrad with no degree as of yet and I guess this is just too much.
  10. I've been struggling with my weight for a very long time. Years ago I lost a bunch of weight and I found this confidence that I never knew I had. I was very happy and optimistic and I cared more about my appearance at that time. I got sick and then fast forward I had to gain weight and I got depressed again and started gaining even more weight. At some point, I just stopped caring what I looked like and how I dressed and just wore sweatpants all the time.
  11. I pushed myself to do some college work that was due at midnight tonight. Found out that the deadline for one of the assignments was pushed till tomorrow so that's one less thing to worry about. I felt this numb feeling the past two days. I haven't been able to really talk to my friends or family and when I do I just sit there....uninterested in what's happening. It's gross but I haven't showered for maybe 2 days maybe 3 I can't remember. All I did was sleep yesterday. I've been so stressed regarding my exams and then there is the fact that I'm getting laid off in March because the building I work at is shutting down for six months due to construction. I've talked to a friend about my plans for suicide and they were surprisingly okay with it. Okay might not be the best word but they were understanding about what I'm doing and why I'm choosing to do it. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown before writing this so excuse me. One last thing before I forget. I have been reconsidering my place in college for the past few weeks now. I can't tell you how many times I feel like college just isn't for me. The crazy thing is, I'm almost done. I've got maybe 5/6 months left but I feel like I'm ready to abandon it all because I'm just not feeling like it right now. And it hurts and it sucks that it's come down to that.
  12. I understand about being anonymous! I think for now because I'm new, not sure if I should link my channel just yet haha. But I've been told that even therapists need therapy themselves. Something that I never actually thought was possible. I always figured that therapists would have to have a stable psyche to help others but when it comes down to everything they hear and deal with, it makes sense for them to practice what they preach. They need help too. As for what I've done well, so far nothing besides finishing my video edits and uploading them to my channel. My head has been hurting for the past few days now so I haven't been able to post on here in a while. I feel bad that I have to ask my parents for money because my university job is closed for a few more weeks but I'm running out of food and could really use it. I always feel guilty about it though. Think I'll look for a job today or at least sometime this week. I might also have a cold or something because I think it's getting worse. As for the relationship front, spoke with my ex last night and I think we've managed to find closure. He's been acting very strange lately, almost like he doesn't want to talk about it. It's something that needed to be discussed though.
  13. I admire the fact you came to that conclusion and you've managed to put yourself out there like that. With all the confidence in the world might I add. I hope that you do graduate in the Spring because all of that hard work means you deserve it! Thank you so much for the kind words I agree that talking these things out, it does teach us to see ourselves a bit differently than before. I've thought about quitting school and my work so many times because I've just been frustrated and things seem to go left for me a lot but I've been holding on to it. If you don't mind I would love to see some of your work! I made it a hobby when I was younger to be a photographer (did not last more than a month lol) but I do admire photography. I like to think that the photographer sees something the audience wouldn't normally see. I guess that's art in general but it's still the same message. There's a side to a work of art no one can really see. Ironically, I'm not really studying anything with art. That might explain why I'm not entirely too happy with school as of now. I'm doing a double major in Psychology and Criminal Justice. I'm assuming one must have a stable psyche to handle both subjects but even people in those fields need therapy. As for my creative work I mainly do writing but I also create videos for YouTube. I know there's really a huge debate for whether or not that's considered "artistic" but I'd like to think of it as it is. I'm going through some writers block right now but people often tell me that writing is what I should be focusing on because I'm talented but again, I never really see it.
  14. Today was a very bad day. I was supposed to have a breakfast date with this guy and he pretty much cancelled on me. So I spent most of the day in bed. I then got an email about how I "missed" a payment from my apartment complex so now there's a late fee. I also learned that they're going to be doing inspections and I'm notorious for failing those so there goes another charge on top of that. The battery in my car keys went out so I have to manually open the door now. The only good thing that happened today was that my work shoes made it to my apartment but because of today's events, I'm honestly afraid to open them and see if they fit or not. Edit: Also, not to get too graphic but my toilet is clogged.
  15. Wow, I never realized that's what I've been doing this whole time. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with the usual depression, anxiety and anorxia. I would exercise instead of eat all three meals. Take the mood swings you get with anorexia and the hormones of a teenager and you'll see a ticking time bomb just waiting to happen. It scared my mother because she couldn't understand what was happening to me. After I came out of the hospital, I started slowly eating again just to get my parents off my back about watching me eat. I didn't realize that I was getting back into a normal eating habit but then something happened. I don't know when and I don't know where but somehow I started binge eating and that's all I've done pretty much. Just traded one disorder for another.
  16. I know this is late but I spent all of yesterday in bed honestly. I pretty much didn't feel like doing anything. I cleaned up my computer case so it wasn't too dusty. As I'm typing this, I went to McDonalds and all of my fries fell out so I might've thrown the fries in the bag and then threw the bag at the wall.... Anyway, yesterday was okay I guess.it was alright. A friend had a mental breakdown and she claims she called me but I never got the call. I think things are awakard now. I'll probably eat dinner and just go to bed. Don't feel like being awake right now.
  17. Yeah I get that. I think for me, there is such a huge amount of competition and I want to do great at it and see results but I get jealous, you know? I see other people who like their work a lot more in comparssion to mine and it just makes me almost hate what I'm doing. Like, what's the point of doing this if I'm so focused on what everyone else is doing? OP: I've been a little depressed today and yesterday. I'm graduating soon and I found out that after the summer I still need one more class to take in order to graduate. It sucks because I would've been finished by August but because I messed up with one class, I'm faced with the possibility of not graduating on time. It sucks because, I had a really rough time last year with school to the point where I called the schools' suicide prevention hotline and found out there was a waiting list. Yes, that's right, a waiting list. I keep thinking of ways to make this whole situation better but nothing is working out right. What's even worse is that school won't open again until mid January because we're on a Winter Break. So, my anxiety is once again off the charts and my family and friends tell me not to get worked up over this change of plans but we all know how it is. If you've got anxiety, especially off the charts anxiety, you can't stop thinking about the future. For the life of me, I will be thinking about this until I get the situation resolved somehow. Today, I have been avoiding my family and friends on account of my depression lately. I can't even bring myself to say Merry Christmas to any of them right now. Only thing keeping me together is watching Hulu. I guess, I'm so stressed out about the whole situation that it's just ironic. I worked so hard this past year to turn things around and I'm almost a the finish line and then this happened. I don't even know what to do anymore. Anyway, that's what happened today. So thanks for listening.
  18. Today I plan on going grocery shopping and finally eating something. I've been upset lately because I'm a "creator" and my work just feels pointless. Like what I'm doing is never as good as anyone elses. Slept pretty good today though. I managed to get out of bed before noon so that's something.
  19. First let me just say how grateful I am to have found a forum where I can talk about these things. I think I go stir crazy with not being able to really talk to someone about thi sort of thing. My friends and family might understand but they don't really understand, you know? Anyway let me move on.... I always imagined that my parents always had the ideal marriage. They love each other, they never had any really heated arguments (at least not in front of me and my siblings) and they just seemed like they were made for each other. They've been together for a very long time as in high school sweethearts. I looked up to them as what I want to one day model my marriage after. Basically, their marriage was something I thought people would aspire to. Well a few months ago I recently had a talk with my father and he revealed that he and my mother talked about divorce last year. This was news to me and I wanted to know why my parents would want to break off their "perfect" marriage. What he said next shattered my rose colored glasses. He said that my mom had multiple affairs a few years ago. I didn't want to believe it. Naturally, I was shocked by the confession. What made things worse was the fact that my dad knew about the whole thing but my mother didn't know that he knew until last year. So as my father is explaining this whole situation which I won't go into too many details but let's just say it was like listening to a Lifetime movie. I didn't know how to feel about the whole thing. My mother doesn't know that I know and I want to keep it that way. The ironic thing was I always assumed my dad had extracurricular activities growing up but this was something I wasn't prepared for. It's been a few months now but there is more to the story and I honestly cannot look at my mother the same way again. There's no real way for me to handle this. I'm angry and confused mostly. Betrayal is definitely there too. I guess I just haven't been able to deal with any of this. I couldn't function for months and while now I'm getting better it still weights heavily on my mind. One last thing, I feel some regret too. I regret asking these questions even though I'm well into my mid 20s now and I should be able to deal with these topics but my parents are pretty much over. They love each other but they aren't in love.
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