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Xinyi

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  1. Thank you, it does help a lot! I don't really have the energy to write much at the moment, but reading your post has helped me understand other people are going through similar things. My family situation doesn't help, and neither does my anxiety, but I will keep going because I do want there to be something on the other side of my depression.
  2. I was prescribed citalopram for the second time in around two years just over a week ago, I'm worried it's making me feel numb. I didn't want to start taking it, but because I felt depressed and it was affecting the people I'm living with I more or less had to because they said I was bringing them down and the only way I could get better was by taking medication. I've never felt suicidal, but I think my lack of energy and social skills alongside my anxiety has always made me feel depressed. I think talking to someone would help and am in contact with a good counsellor at my university, but I feel very alone and scared having just started medication and being alone at Christmas. My parents are supportive, but only really when I'm on my medication. They said I can tell them the truth if it's not working for me though. I'm very dependent on them, I'm 19 but have never had a job and spend most of my time alone at home. I have no friends or brothers or sisters, and feel very alone most of the time. I don't have many social skills or the energy to make any new friends either. There's people I've been interested in and liked before, but I can never do anything about it. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, but once I'm up I'm fine. I do find it's harder on medication though, and I feel trapped inside my own head in a horrible way. I do have interests and things I want to do, but a huge lack of self confidence or motivation. My depression is caused by things in my life more than something inside my head I think, which is why I hate taking this medication. But it's so hard to get through every single day even though I don't work - if I did (and I've volunteered in the past for example) I think it would be even harder. My parents think I need something to do to distract myself, but they don't seem to understand it's bad no matter what and instead of giving me confidence, working with other people has just made me feel stupid before now. I feel like nothing can help me. It takes forever to see a doctor or psychologist, or a counsellor or something. I feel like I'm being left behind by society, I'm still at university but not doing very well and since I've been on my medication I find it hard to read for more than a few minutes - before I could read for an hour or more. I feel awful, I can't sleep but then I couldn't before. I'm worried I'll become suicidal or aggressive or something, I'm not normally. I just feel so alone and so trapped, it's horrible. I don't know what to do about it. Everyone seems to be against me even if they think they're helping, I don't have the means to help myself or even explain myself most of the time. I'm a prisoner to myself and I hate it. I just don't know what to do.
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