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somebodyy

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  1. Hello, I keep feeling this way and I don't know why and I just really confused. Sorry if this is long btw. Around 12 years old I first discovered depression and I did a lot of research on it and I wanted to help people with depression and I eventually kept talking about it with my mum and telling her to make sure eveyone gets tested so we can check if they have it etc. And I used to put those stupid ''fake friends' 'people leaving' quotes and so my family all thought that I believed I had depression (I didnt clearly and I told them) . However around 13, certain situation got worse and I was generally treated as if I was by a sibling who caused trouble for me and I had friendship problems and thats when I began to skip to food and I would just go to sleep a lot (I didnt have depression no) but as my family situation got worse I used to cry myself to sleep every single day till the point I couldnt cry anymore, I considered suicide numerous times and I have had the urge to harm myself. Before this I also had a issue with my weight at a really young age I was made fun by someone close to me (I wasnt overweight) and grew up to thinking I was fat that was until I got suicidal my thoughts about my weight got worse that I couldnt take pictures or look at my self in big mirrors for a year or so. I relied on internet friends to help me and fill in my loneliness. Lets say I tell I tell my parents I have depression, I dont think they'd believe because once I did professional online tests and showed them they always go 'you can cure yourself and be your own therapist' or 'you believe you have all disease just because you search up one symptom' which lead me to having the habit of crying myself in the bathroom for when I feel like this and I have done it on a daily basis sometimes. However still at that time I still was ambitious and I had so many dreams but now at the age of 16, I have gotten over most of my insecurities even though they linger sometimes but I have noticed something. I tend to try avoid thinking about how i feel and I distract myself alot but I have literally lost interest in everything I used to love and I cant see anything hopeful for my future and whatever anyone suggests me to be I agree, I literally dont have a dream anymore and because I dont have a dream anymore i feel frustrated and its hard. Many people have goals/dreams and so why dont ? I dont know what to study for? Should i even bother working hard for something that I dont even have any passion for ? will I even have a good future? Does it matter? I am going to die one day anyway but ironically I am scared of dying. I have also gotten in a new college from my friends and even though I've made mutuals, we dont hang out at lunch etc and although I tell myself I am fine and I dont mind being alone. I feel alone at school and as soon as I go back home, after I eat and go to my room and 'study' (I just dwell on how I feel). I feel alone. I feel like I do not have anyone and due to loneliness I comfort eat and I have gained weight. Am I just being an attention-seeker and I should continue trying to ignore these feelings or should I not ignore them? Also when I am stressed out I get stabbing pains in my stomach, I also think people are backbiting about me and every time I look into the mirror all I see are my flaws; my spots, my reddened skin, my scars, my blackheads etc and I feel so ugly and I comfort eat so I feel fat and ugly. I dont feel like my family cares about me so I cant talk to them about it. I am a good child, I always listen to my parents etc but I feel underappreciated because I treat my parents and siblings the best and I would do anything of them but I dont think they would. I feel so conflicted and I get angry and agitated and I want to hug someone but I hate people hugging me. All these emotions swarm and I dont know what it is or what to do...I am just so tired of feeling so empty and lost. Idk if I am just too sensitive and emotional.
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