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nikki114

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About nikki114

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  1. I just blocked some accounts on Instagram. Why? Because they featured some pictures of my CO with his partner. These people did nothing wrong to me, but I blocked them. Because seeing pics of him with her still makes me feel physically uncomfortable. I'm officially a freak.
  2. I've been reading articles like this for months. I can't stop rereading number #8 on this one..... *link removed*
  3. @starbucksjunkee: It's like I ping-pong between feeling bad about myself and feeling good about myself. Pessimism with occasional and recently more frequent bouts of optimism. I took the test and got a type 6. I read the description and it is pretty accurate. I also got strong Individualism and Thinker scores. Type 6 is barely in the lead.
  4. @starbucksjunkee: Sometimes, I wonder if the only way these obsessions would fully end if I got a man. My history with men is...not so great. I fell in love once, but he didn't love me back. He once said in front of our classmates that he wanted nothing to do with me. And I still clung onto him like a piece of lint on a shirt. I went on only one date ever with a different guy, but it took all of 5 minutes to realize we were wrong for each other. Even though the crush linger for a short while after. After that, I really liked someone and the feeling was mutual for once. I was so excited when he finally asked for my number. I didn't get his, and he never called me back. Months later, I saw him hand in hand with another girl. I was crushed, but I got over it pretty fast. After that, it was one failed attempt after another. One unattainable person after another. But it rarely progressed beyond flirting and talking. I ruined things before they could even get started. Then there was another guys a few years that I met on some site. I had Aspergers too. I liked him, but he wanted more than I could offer. I guess I got scared. I wasn't ready for a commitment, even with someone over the Internet. Very few people know about Internet guy. Somewhere across the line, I went from going after unavailable live guys to having imaginary relationships with celebrities. For the most part, it's worked for me. I could imagine exactly the type of relationship I'd want with a live person, enjoy it, get bored, move on. Lather, rinse, repeat. I've given up too, for the most part. I think the only man that could handle me is my brother, LOL.
  5. I've been looking up my CO & his partner for days and the guilt and gut feelings are back. Because I looked them up. But I tried grounding for an impossible-to-know amount of time and I feel much better. Grounding cures guilt--or at least it's good medicine.
  6. I can relate because I'm autistic too. I think I might have OCD also, but my shrinks don't think so. I don't think I could send stuff to my favorite COs either. I'm not good at picking out gifts and I believe in the whole 'never meet your heroes' idea.
  7. Sadly, no. The repetition only bothers me when I have unpleasant thoughts. Like with my CO and...her. I've gotten over other COs by focusing on their negative qualities and with activity. But this one is so much harder that the others. Because this guy has a perfect image, perfect family image, perfect everything. People are already predicting that he'll win an Oscar for his upcoming movie, which he probably will. I don't know if I'll ever get over him.
  8. I went on an Internet detox almost 2 months ago. It lasted for about a week. I meant even with the Internet and Wi-Fi taken away, I still thought about them a lot. My brain has the tendency to be repetitive and retain a lot of information. I go over the same thoughts and images in my head over and over again. Thinking about them together makes me feel crazy and depressed.
  9. I keep obsessing over this CO, his family and his partner. I can't stop these thoughts no matter what I do. I distract myself and it only works for a short time. I had my computer taken away--my idea--but thoughts of him and them still run rampant in my brain. It's like my whole obsessive brain is a trigger. NO social media or technology needed. I visit this fansite of his on Tumblr. That's trigger-central because she's a fan of his relationship. It makes me feel like I just ran thru a snowstorm without a coat on. NO matter what, it's relentless and I can't stop! Now there's this trailer of his next movie coming out in October. More interviews. They mention her and that's more triggering. Now after having a fairly good week and I feel like crap again. Thanks, CO & partner and kids.
  10. nikki114

    Has anybody else wasted their life?

    I feel this way too. I'm 34 and I have basically done nothing with my life. I spend my days thinking and thinking about this celebrity couple. I don't even like the woman, and that's the strange part. I'm not even sure I like the guy anymore. I was forced out of school five years ago. My mom and cousin are pushing me to go back. I don't think I want to anymore because the other reason I left was repeated failures of math classes. I don't wanna go back and fail math again. I want to do something big with my life.....without college. I'm in my 30s and I don't want to waste my time in a relationship. I want kids desperately, but like I said, I'm in my 30s. And my eggs are turning into dust. I have nothing to look forward to most days except this damn celebrity obsession that I don't want. I feel like I'm stuck.
  11. I wish I could smash my phone. But I kinda need it......
  12. Possible epiphany last night: I get screwed over more by private celebs/people than more open ones. What I mean is at least one of my past COs was very open at first. Then he started dating someone new and became very private. The same with other COs. People seem to like private celebs for some reason. I never understood why. I don't like private and/or secretive celebs. Maybe just those kinds of people in general. Maybe because I feel like they're cheating me. IDK. I apologize if I offended anyone. This is very random and I just felt the need to share.
  13. Ladies, I found a loophole. You don't have to give up Googling entirely. But you do have to give Google your COs and their partners, for your own sake, right? So you just type in the names. You copy, paste in the blocker's list and hit "Enter". Voila! Now you can Google and not be tempted to look up your COs. Well, you will, but nothing will show up. Just remember to not to disable the blockers. Maybe you've already figured this out, but I wanted to help anyway.
  14. This obsession is chickening me, on top of everything else happening this month. I've seriously considered just ending it all.
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