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About Kirke

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    Photography, art, travelling, yoga, dance, music...

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  1. I am grateful that it is summer and weather is warm. I am grateful that i was invited to my friends wedding recently and had nice time and met interesting people, including some who have adhd too. I am grateful for the coffee i am drinking atm. I am grateful that i had art exhibiton opened in the end of may and it stays opened until end of august and i also have some new exhibition plans/opprotunitys to try out. I am grateful that i have nice tan now thanks to spending time outside in weekend (this i havnt done for most of the summer so it was a good feeling to enjoy some sun)
  2. I would like to go travelling.. somewhere where its sunny and not freezing like now. (I can do that soon, in february i will go to australia :) I would like to have an art exhibition that i feel proud of. (This i can maybe do also... sometime in future) I would like to be able to sleep without nightmares and get a good rest. (This feels impossible) I would like to feel safe - have a home and close people who care about me and love me. (I have only few friends... well at least i have them. I dont have a family. Also i dont have money for buying a home for myself. I dont think i will in future too... cant be sure, but almost sure) I would like to build a campervan with all basics to travel and live in it. (Could maybe build it, but i have no liscence to drive it... i have adhd so passing a driving exam is very hard - have failed many times. Maybe possible if i try very hard as i have meds now that i didnt have before) I would like to feel healthy, happy, calm and focused. (Not totally possible as my problems will never disappear, but hopefully they become easier to manage) I would like to feel that everything is gonna be OK. (I am scared that it wont, but i hope it will)
  3. 12.01 Friday Did a photoshoot, didnt prepare for it, but it went ok. 13.01 Saturday Organized and edited some architecture photos and showed to my teacher. Maybe gonna have art exhibition soon, but not sure as the photos could be better. If i continue working with this theme then maybe. Was supposed to do more (work with another photo series and my portfolio/webpage), but at least got smth done. Couldnt sleep until sunday morning 8 or later :( 14.01 Sunday Because of really serious sleep problems, didnt do much, just quickly some preparation for filmshoot that i had today - read the storyboard etc. Still didnt work with my webpage (although was supposed to make changes by today). Couldnt sleep again... 15.01 Today Got 2-3hours sleep, then went to cinema and saw a movie that i acted in. It was really good and made me feel good. Filmshoot - with only few hours we got a lot more done than we hoped for. So it went very well and we all had fun. I felt ok, not too anxious and did ok job too. Went to photography exhibition. Didnt enjoy it really, because i was very tired already. I have to write a rewiew about it and some others that i already saw before. The review was supposed to be ready long time ago... in the middle of december i think... Watched Two and a half men and took a short nap. Wrote here. Generally i feel much better than 1-2 months ago! I think thanks to my recently added antidepressant and of course i try hard to do better. Without my meds would be impossible to even try. I think i have done a lot more things. Before i spent most of the time in my bed. Felt very bad before... self- harm and couldnt do anything and was really negative, angry and depressed. Recently at least sometimes i feel ok/good and then again not so much, but before felt extremly bad all/most of the time and was unable to even think, just felt hopeless and a lot of pain. Now i just feel very bad at nights and have nightmares, but daytime is generally ok. I hope it gets even better, specially sleep problems.
  4. My answer is gonna be too long :D My childhood was about violence, alcholism, no money, sometimes no food, often now normal clothes, no money for school stuff, almost never money for going to birthday parties, usually didnt get christmas presents etc.. no food was of course really bad, but generally no security, screaming, mom sometimes gone missing for weeks and looked by police, my "step dad" was also a really bad person and my dad just didnt care and also was a violent drunk, but i didnt really saw him often and propably he was not as 100% a bad person like my "mother" and "step dad" but he was really ****ed up, addicted to alcohol and depressed. My mother is worse - that kind of person who never has done even a small good thing in her life, she only lies and manipulates.. all my childhood i had to parent her and always tell her how pretty she is and talented and had to take care of her when she was drunk and listen how i ****ed up her life because she got children too early and also my dad ****ed it up because he left and her family is bad and its her teachers fault that she didnt finish school and also mine bcause i was born. There were a lot of extremly bad things that now make me think that she is a true monster.... i think she propably is a sociopath or smth worse. So how normal/not depressed could i have been? :) Propably didnt even had a chance to not be depressed. The only good person in my life was my grandmother. I think thanks to her i have at least some hope in life, but she died from cancer when i was 11. Found out recently that i have ADHD and it means i had it when i was a child too just nobody knew that... in my teens i started to hurt myself - cut myself and sometimes made risky things as i didnt know if i should end my life or not.. i climbed everywhere and hoped maybe i fell, but was too scared to jump When i was about 14 read a book about a girl who had bipolar and was often depressed. I felt maybe its me.. Found out beginning of my 20s that i am bipolar. So i never was normal i guess.. looked for help when i got 18-19? Got disappointed in doctor and psychologist and didnt get help. Doctor made some tests and said i have some personality disorder or smth like that (not confirmed later, just told that i have some common things with borderline personality disorder, but that and bipolar is anyway similar). Got really bad beginning of my 20s, i guess maybe i was 22-23. My friends told i should get some help etc. Found a psychiatrist, got antidepressant, was better little bit. Still always up and downs so she diagnosed bipolar. Was offf meds and on etc. Tried to end my life at 2013, ended up in mental hospital, but i didnt want to be there and get help, so i got out there after short time. Still took my meds sometimes and when i went to school and started studing art (2014) i got better. Art is like a therapy. Beginning of 2016 stopped meds again. Got worse, but didnt notice until later. Got pregnant and lost my son when i was 5 months pregnant.. ended up in mental hospital again, but this time for 6 months. Got diagnosed with PTSD, because of the trauma and loss of my child and also later chilhood traumas was added. Also was diagnosed ADHD. Bipolar diagnose was not changed. Got help and feel better, but nowhere near normal. I know that now i am a grown up and responsible of my life and if i can resolve my trauma issues then i will maybe be ok some day. Bipolar and adhd can be managable and even have some positive sides like able to think outside the box and being creative. Also extreme feelings and experiences, even negative ones, can be useful when you are an artist. I never felt normal, always knew that something is not right. I just hope that sometimes i can make it a good thing and not feel depressed, angry, anxious etc too often.
  5. 11.01 Thursday Woke up about 16.00, about 18.00 remembered to take my meds that i am supposed to take in the morning.. Forced myself to eat 2 pieces of bread at 20.00 (i dont want to eat when i wake up for long time and then at night i eat way too much). Wrote some thoughts and ideas about how to help myself/avoid negative tohughts.. tried to analyse my thinking and worries (if some of my fears went as bad as i thought etc, some did and most didnt.. ) Washed some dishes and put clothes away from floor to the chair... Cooked some crispy veggies. I havent cooked at least a month and havent cooked anything normal/healthy a lot more time :D Should do school things and prepare videoshoot that i have soon, learn the script etc.. but i guess i cant today. Also should prepare for tomorrows photoshoot, but i propably cant do that also... maybe before when i go there... or i dont and just improvise. I hope i can sleep (sure i cant, but still hope), have to be there tomorrow for sure even if i dont get any sleep...
  6. Wednesday 10.01 Started my web page finally (for public art portfoolio), i have thought about starting it for several years already :D Was hard to start, i (often) dont feel good about my work, but i have already have art exhibitions so its necessary to have a public page too. Couldnt do rest of the school stuff i was supposed to, but at least went to school and made a staged photography shoot with small minion climbing on a wheel, that had some salt on it :D So not a bad day. I was in better mood before, but now its already thursday morning and i am so tired, but cant sleep, so my mood is gone little bit down. Also found out i got an E in my Spanish exam... Its my 2nd E in uni (in 4 years)... so was not too happy... but i never did my home work and was lucky that i was even allowed to take the exam as i missed too many classes... just studied like a lazy person little bit before the exam.. and my "studing" was listening to youtube videos and using duolingo app... So i guess its ok, at least i passed. I know i shouldnt feel bad, but i do...
  7. Its very new to me too to write everything here, what i do/dont do and what i experience of (not) doing these things. Its easier now if its anonymous :) Maybe in future i dont feel the need to be anonymous as i acutally think its good to be honest and people who will judge me for my feelings/experiences are not worth of focusing. Now i am not ready for that as a lot of people dont really now about my problems, i feel guilt and shame etc. Maybe if i could overcome some i feel proud and can share publicly.
  8. 4.01-7.01 Some days i studied little, but not in a real active way like wanted, still something at least. Some days didnt do anything. Sometimes tried to pay attention to negative thoughts and angry/hateful self-talk and control it and say good things about my self in front of mirrow... I dont believe them in my hart, but will try continueing with this until i believe at least some, if i dont forget...like usually when i have a potentially helpful idea i forget it as soon as i feel worse again. I say things like i am a good person, i am talented, all my life is still in front of me, i am responsible of my future and i am strong. I am a nice person inside and outside etc :) Its weird, but i have to- no i WANT to, change my thoughts as i cant overcome anxiety and depression if i always think negatively. 4.01 doctors appoitment that went well, although its always little bit hard too. I really like my doctor so even if i cry after, because its hard to talk about my thoughts and experiences, but i always go and eventually feel better. We decided that i continue with duloxetin instead 30mg to 60 mg. That have made me feel very bad now, but i know it will pass, like it passed when i first started this med about 1.5 month ago. I feel that he really cares about me and wants me to do better, not like some doctors who seem to hate their job. I told him that january will be alcohol free month for me and he thought its good idea too. He always asks me about alcohol and drugs as i have had some problems in past. Now i dont do drugs at all. Last time was a year ago when i did drugs once and small amount, at first wanted to do more - then changed my mind to do more and left the party, i felt that its not right to do this and was together with a friend who has never done any so i thought maybe she will do if i do and better to leave together. Before that 5-6y (???) didnt do any at all. I have sometimes been parting with friends who are totally high and i really dont feel any wish to be like that too. With alcohol i drink occasionaly - maybe average 2 times in a week max, but sometimes less or some weeks not at all. Still i think its important to really pay attention that it dont become a problem because i have "self medicated" with alcohol in past. Not diagnosed as addicted, but abusing it.. but its dangerous too and could lead to serious addiction if i start doing that again. Yesterday 8.01 Had exam in Spanish, was somewhat prepared, but really not sure how it went. Couldnt sleep before the exam, so felt very tired after, but still couldnt sleep again before the morning of today :( Propably will pass the exam, depends how they give points (my grammatics is really bad, specially the accents, but i do understand easy texts and have some vocabulary. So even if i fail at least i feel i did learn something and i dont actually need the grade as its extra class i dont even have to pass to graduate:) Today Tuesday 9.01 Went to sleep at 8? at morning woke about 18.00, at least got some sleep because a night before didnt sleep at all. For tomorrow i have to do a lot of school things - web page, a new series of photos, find my old series and organize them for web page also make a cv for web page, write a rewies about some art exhibitions etc... Tomorrow 17.00 i will meet my teacher at school so that is a deadline. I will try not to panic and just do it! :) Also not overthink that everything has to be perfect - example home page - can just start it with some free and easy platform and just put some of my work not all i want etc. So maybe i can do (most) things for tomorrow.
  9. 1.02 Monday Hangover, bed, food, watched comedy series and slept. Felt anxious and stupid. 2.02 Tuesday Little bit better mood. Didnt study, but at least went out from my room. Met some friends from school and later another friend visited me. 3.03 Today Couldnt really fall asleep before morning so i woke up 15.00, havent really done anything, exept listened a short youtube video to learn spanish, like 15 minutes... also i made a list how to manage my schoolwork and paid some pills. Ok maybe not so bad then, i think its something too. Now i try to actually do some studing for exam. Tomorrow have doctors appointment, maybe little bit nervous, dont know why. Also i will have busy week with lot of school and other work, maybe that makes me anxious.
  10. Friday and Saturday (29-30.12) Wanted to do schoolwork/clean my room etc, but couldnt. Didnt leave my room or did anything, exept yesterday my friend came to visit me. I was nervous at first (i dont like visitors usually and just didnt feel like i can be around of people or go out etc), but it was actually good night and he is a good friend. I am happy that he offered to visit me, felt less lonely :) We drinked alcohol and felt little bit hangovered today. Still a good night as with him its really good to talk. Also he cooked for us, it was nice too:) Decided that after todays new years party i will have alcohol free january as in february i will go to vacation and then i will propably party. In january i try to focus in school so i dont have to worry when i am at vacation. I hope i can do it.. little bit scared. Today (Sunday 31.12) Nothing all day, only went to shop, bought food, beers for tonight and some snacks. Will go to my friends place to celebrate new years. Feel little bit anxious, but try not to overthink. If i dont feel very good i will just be few hours, but propably when i am there i will have fun. Just scared of going. I dont know most people who are there and i think maybe i am so weird and dont have anybody to talk to etc. Propably its not gonna be like that. I am stressed and also said to my firend i come later (they already started), then again changed the time to later and she was like no worries chill, come when you can :) Now i will go to shower and do some light make up and try to look ok. I try to think happy thoughts and hope that my next year will be better and that i can feel happy with my life and myself and reach some goals. I hope you all will have fantastic 2018!
  11. I would like to share my photos, but i want to be anonymous. I am not famous that people can reqognize my photos, but with google image search my name can be found out easily. At least now i dont feel comfortable with that as i have wrote very personal things here that most people who i know in real life...they have no idea :D Maybe in future i feel more confident and can speak about these problems in real life too and then staying anonymous would not be important. I think writing and creating videos are creative work too! In my experience people who studied or are studing psychology are not always/often stable themselves. I met with my friend at the (mental) hospital and he was studing psychology before.. he is smart and can explain theoretically how the mind works and what can be helpful to overcome depression etc, but that does not stop him feeling terrible sometimes. I actually have considered learning psychology too, now i think i am not gonna study it at uni, but just educate myself with reading some books etc. If for you being anonymous is not important you can share your youtube link :)
  12. I think i also sometimes have problems with food. For example when i want "something sweet" then i dont eat normal sized chocolate or a piece of cake, but can eat all jar of peanut butter... (its like 2000 calories or something:D and i dont feel i have to stop eating even then.. ). When i have bad dreams i wake up and start eating and when i cant fall asleep then i eat in my bed too (so almost every night). Its been like this all my life. Not sure if its a problem or not, i am at normal weight, even thin, but i eat when i am not hungry and a lot, so it cant be healthy even if it doesnt affect my weight. Maybe i am just overthinking as most depressed/anxious etc people sometimes dont eat so normally or eat when they are nervous etc. I mean most of the times i dont feel bad, just think its weird and not healthy.
  13. Mon (25.12) Positive Visited my friend - dinner, shampagne and a nice chat. I felt close to her and we can discuss different personal subjects, although we dont know each other long time. She has a dog and a cat too, for me dogs are like therapy :) Tue to Thursday (26.12-28.12) Positive Cleaned my room, mostly clothing. Got rid of 48 pieces of not necessary clothes.. still nowhere near done sorting out stuff... but feel good that i started, although i am very slow! Studied little bit spanish (listened to youtube videos, should but more time/effort into it, have exam soon). Read a book about childhood trauma. Its hard to think about childhood, so i just read little bit. Expressed myself clearly to my mother, didnt go into arguments or not necessary discussions and didnt even show to her how angry she makes me (that would just lead to manipulation and lies from her side). Just said that she really needs to stop contacting and i need 0 stress and contact. There are very serious reasons for this and i made this decision more than a year ago, but sometimes she still tries and everytime i get so upset.. i said if necessary i will take prohibition of approach (? - not sure of this word, but basically i mean i would go into court and try to get the law on my side, so that she is not allowed to contact me). Tried to not feel guilty later. More positive/calm about the future, i try to motivate myself to make little changes (cleaning for example to not have extreme mess and pointless stuff surrounding me and making me feel bad, seems little thing, but it could really help). Anxiety that was extreme before with my new antidepressant has gone down little bit. It was very bad, self harm etc.. now i dont feel so bad and i have not injured myself. Today Fri (29.12) Positive signed a contract that i promised to send few days ago.. at least now i did it posted here Plan to make some staged photography series for school, clean, listen to spanish youtube videos, maybe read a trauma book. Or maybe just one of those things as its already late. Propably start with photos as this is school task that i am supposed to do today. Negative Havent left my room since monday, didnt go to my friends place at tuesday although promised, but just couldnt... Didnt post here so many days. Too lazy to cook normal meals so i eat not so healthy food. Have nightmares and feel little bit tired and weird. Last night dream was really scary. Mostly i dont remember and just wake up covered with cold sweat, shaking from the cold and feeling bad. Got very upset when my mother tried to contact me and i talked with her that she needs to stop doing that, but it was necessary to do that. This time maybe she understood i am not gonna change my mind.
  14. I think graduating later is not so bad. I was supposed to graduate last spring, even had everything done, but couldnt actually present my final work. It was a photography exhibition, but i was not happy with it and didnt present it as my final work.. so i didnt graduate...). I was disappointed of myself, but not anymore, because with all the hard times its good that i will propably graduate this spring and i havent at least dropped out of school or smth like that. This year i also took some extra classes so this time is not "waisted", also i try to make final work something that i feel proud and work with my self confidence, this is propably even harder than actually doing the artwork. The exhibition i had was actually propably good to, according to my teachers and other people who were in the opening of the exhibition, but i felt its terrible, i cried before opening and wantwd to run away.. so this is an example also how feelings are sometimes not facts about the quality of work, people did like it and i got lot of compliments and interesting questions that showed me that people felt connected and interested and were not just saying its good just to be polite. I remember when i sent those photos to my teacher, i actually felt so embarrased and disappointed and thought they are so awful and she will be angry that my work is so terrible and maybe even laugh. Now i look the same photos and i really think they are ok/good, but obviously always have room to improve and this time i want to make it even better. Also i have had work that i felt good about it, but my teachers didnt think its as good as it should be and gave me lot of critics, but when i am "at good place" i dont get sad about this and still enjoy what i do and that i have an opportunity to get feedback doesnt matter good or bad. Not everytime it can be good, but have to keep going and not be too critical of everything not being so good or sometimes feeling low without a reason. Sometimes i feel also that my work doesnt make me happy and makes me anxious like my life in general, but then i have better times and i feel it does make me happy, at least more than other things. I hope you get that feeling soon also! Just try not to overthink it, ahaha i know how hard it is.. and i think there are lot of artists who are not always happy with their work, but who are talented, i have talked with people whos work i think is really good, but who felt worried like you or like i have been before :) I hope it gets better soon! I think you have done very good because you are still in school and keep going, it doesnt matter if you graduate little bit later, its still something to be proud of. Lot of people who have anxiety/mental problems and who also are talented cant even study or manage to stay at school, so you are doing good! Be proud of that and keep going! Later you can use these extreme emotions in your work too, maybe even now, just for yourself, dont even think about it if you will share this work or not. Maybe it helps using this "low" as a subject? Take care, i am sure you are talented! Its so weird how talking with other people about these feelings makes me think positively and inspires myself to not be so critical about myself too! :) Can i ask what are you studing and what is your main interest? I understand its art/creative subjects, but more exactly? If wou want to share :)
  15. I can relate very much!!! I am artist (mostly art photography), also i do acting. I feel like this very often, my self esteem is really low and often i feel that even when i had potential before that now its all destroyed... Sometimes i get feedback that i am wrong, so propably you are too.. It is logical that with depression etc problems people cant really feel good about themselves and their work. So logically you can just be wrong about your work and you propably are. For me art is therapy too despite sometimes feeling its worthless what i do, but i try to work with this thinking as this is the only thing i can do. When i am not an artist/photographer i really am not gonna have anything as i hate doing everything else.
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