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Sentinel2

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  1. Well, another day and as always, i feel some regret. Not because i did something wrong, because i didn't, i was completely right to do what i did. I regret not being the stronger and wiser man, i usualy pride myself in being able to take the right decision or action in the right time. I know grandpa isnt at his right mind about those things and usualy i am good at keeping it cool around him. It was basicaly 2 things that completely triggered me. First, i called and said i was coming to fix the thing in the kitchen. I went out of my way and spent hours finding just the right parts for a very cheap price, if he went to the store he would pay 3-4x more. But i did it because i wanted to do something nice for him. And then my grandma called that he is not at home because he went to do some unimportant thing just as i was coming. I just cant stand people not being able to slightly adjust their day routine when u r coming in your free time to help them for free. And second, when i was talking to grandma about her daughter ... he suddenly started talking loud about how important his closets in 1 of our apartments are. I wont go into details but it went along the lines of me saying, are closets more important than your daughter ? And he was still arguing and at that moment i lost it. I cannot stand people give more value to inanimate object than to people, it is completely unacceptable. And it is his only daughter, how can you be such an asshole ? Basicaly what i said is, if u wanna help your daughter, kick the stupid closets out and maybe somehow it can help your daughter. My grandma is renting a place for which she pays every month even though she hasnt been in that place in 3 years and will never be able to go there again. And i said, give away the apartment and u will save tons of money a month and can use them for yourself. And if u dont want the money, u can help pay rent for your daughter. Paying for something u r not using is really dumb. My family has more than 5 apartments/houses no one is using ever. At the same time mom is paying rent in an apartment that isnt hers. This is just insane. In future i will try to keep my cool. But it is hard as i live with this pain every single day, struggling with whether to live or die. I quit my job not because i way lazy - i quit it because i was having severe panic attacks which made me unable to even turn on the computer, let alone do any serious intelectual work. And i simply cannot stay cool watching someone almost laughing at the things he did, things that caused you pain and still do. I cant ever stand injustice, when i see it, it is ******* me and i want to do something about it. Same with bad people, i cant stand watch while they go unpunished. So this is the day after. Nothing will change of course because he is to old and to far gone, besides, the damage is already done. But i ruined 2 of my days just thinking and stressing about it. Maybe i should be like my little brother, oblivious about everything that is going on around him, not caring about anything. It is the wrong thing to do, but he is suffering a lot less in life because of this.
  2. I thank you for your input. Family matters are never easy. Just a few things i forgot to say and you reminded me that they need to be said. Today when i told him what i feel, i was never abusive, yelling or threatening, nor demanding anything. I was emotional so that could be heard and felt. When my grandma asked what i would like from him so that i would again talk with him i said, only apologise. If he apologises i will never ever mention it again. And now that i am calming down, anger is slowly transforming into sadness and guilt. Guilt over my grandma cause i made her feel bad at such high age. But what she is asking from me ... i belive my pain is worth something too and i really dont wanna spend time with someone bad and act like nothing happened. Besides, unlike my mom, who wants my grandpas money and fortune badly, i do not want it. If i did, i wouldnt get into a fight with him years before his death and even if he wanted to give me something, i would not accept it now. All i want is apologise, nothing more. And if he apologises i will forgive him and that will be enough for me. Its not so much the actions of the past that hurt me, is staring into eyes of someone and him feeling no regret whatsoever. i am even wondering if he is capable of it ? He might be just to far gone to even understand it. When i mention anything, he looks to me like what r u talking about ? He really doesn't understand. He might just be to crazy or something. I tell him things that are clear as day and he completely goes into defensive, just like i was saying something completely crazy. When he is not around, all the family agrees on everything i say. But no one tells him anything in his face, they all smile and just take the abuse, justifying it by saying, ah, thats just the way he is. And when i say he is abusive, you wouldnt belive it from someone who is almost 90, but when he yells, the room shakes. Its with such anger and agression ... my mom told me many times ... u know grandpa when he was already old. Can u imagine how it was living with him when he had the same character, but was young, full of power and energy. Horrible, just horrible, dont even know if i can be mad at mom at all ...
  3. Hello, i am in a really emotional state right now, usualy i let it pass but this time i wanted to write some things down and get an opinion to see if i am actualy right - if i have a right to be angry or maybe i should just let it go. Sadly its impossible to explain it without long text, but it will mean a lot if you read it and tell me your opinion. Please. I was at my grandma and grandpa, went to fix something in their kitchen. Sadly just seeing my grandpa brought the worst in me and all my emotions from past things he did got out, wasted 3 hours explaining it to my grandma, ruined my day and hers also. I will describe my family as simple as i can. GRANDPA: Never was in a mental hospital but probably he is the one that should be in a mental institution. He is a great composer, but other than that a very bad person. Got through life yelling at people and being violent. Forcing his beliefs on others and if someone didnt agree he yelled. He forced music onto me from very young age - he keeps saying it was cause he wanted me to be able to do something, but i dont buy it - when i stopped playing the instrument it was like i dont exist for years and he kept bringing it up how i disapointed everyone. All his life he had about 2-3x more paycheck than my grandma, he barely ever got us any present, grandma always did (i am not bringing money into it cause i am not materialistic, just trying to show u that he kept all his money for himself while grandma with 3x less money always felt happy to give something to others). He is 1 of the main reasons my mom is a disaster, i cant even imagine what it would be like to live with that person when he was young and full of energy. He is 88 and he is still always yelling, always putting my grandma down, saying how she ruined everything in her life (which she didnt btw, she kept giving all her life, everyone loves her ..), he has not a single good word to say about his daughter even though she gave him 2 grandchildren, finished college, etc. I firmly belive he is the root of all this. GRANDMA: Trully she is my sunshine. She is the only person in my life who never gave up on me, even when i failed in school and everyone else felt like, its to late for me, she always let me know that she would love it if i finished school, but never gave me the intention she loves me any less if i appear as a failure. Last 20 years i did everything i could to help grandma with anything she asked me, i would come in the middle of the night when she needed something. The problem is she lives with grandpa and she cant live alone anymore, she only walks around the apartment. Grandpa can get out but just barely so we bring him food, while he goes out to bank and postoffice. He is very abusive to her and i feel so sorry for her, almost everytime we talked she said how horrible he is to her. When we thought she will die a few years ago, he was very sorry and appeared sad. But then he kept saying, i need her to stay with me a while longer, i need her to take care of things, take care of me. When i heard that i wanted to punch him. How can you be like that ?? I told her she can come life with me but for some reason she feels sorry for grandpa, even though they are divorced for a long time and he was and is very bad to her, for some reason she feels sorry for him. And when i try to break contact with him, he always keeps saying how sad it makes her feel so everytime i just give up because shes 90 and i love her soo much and i start coming there again. But its just so hard for me, staring into the eyes of my grandpa, seeing as he has no regrets whatsoever and even laughs and makes fun of things that hurt me so much. I feel so trapped - guilt of doing pain to my grandma or suffering the pain looking into grandpas eyes ... MY BIOLOGICAL DAD: left my mom at the altar when i was not even born, she was pregnant with me. Would be nice if he ever said i am sorry but i dont feel much anger towards him: true, he wasnt there, but that for me means he wasnt able to hurt me with his behaviour like others did. Still think what he did is something no real man ever would, but just dont feel anger cause if he was around, it might have been worse for me. I met him for the first time when i was about 21. Ever since then he has been very supportive of me and helping me in anyway he could. It doesn't erase the things he did (or more importantly didnt) but at least he was a good father since i actualy got to meet him. MY STEPFATHER: he is the real dad to me, he was there ever since i was like 2 years old, so apart from me calling him by his name not by dad, hes my real dad. Took care of me, tried to give me a good influence, tried to give me stability but couldnt cause of my mom. The only thing i could be angry at him for is that he used to punish me physicaly a lot. I was a really problematic child, a really really problematic child, in all schools i went i was the worst. I had ADHD and really bad hyperactivity, i couldnt be stil, kept doing problems. So i got punished. I am not mad at him for that cause well, all my friends got punished like that also, it was the normal back then. What i am sad about is that he never beat my brother who was his blood child. And my brother was no better than me, my dad even keeps saying how i was less problematic than my brother (which isnt true btw). But i would just like to know why he never beat him. Is it because he saw that beating me made me a super agressive suicidal person ? Or is it because my brother is his blood child ? Other than that, he was a pillar of stability for me and without him i probably wouldnt be alive. MY MOM: Hard to explain it here. She probably did the most bad to me but is also the victim of grandpa. All her life she wanted to make her father proud and she never got the acknoledgement from him. He is just harsh. And it really hurt her. She was teaching me music instrument just to show her dad that she can do something good. And she did, until 10, i was in all newspapers, winning championships, etc. When i stopped playing she said i let the family down because they thought i will be so famous and earn enough money to support all family. I left home to live with my grandma at 17 because i was suicidal and the place was just a mess. Came back after a year and this time she threw me out saying i was doing a mess playing with my brother (we really did run around the apartment like crazy and she felt she couldnt control us). Only later i found out by that time she was already a sedative pill addict so obviously she couldnt handle things. She had problems with alcohol ever since i can remember, i kept picking her up when she was drunk and i was like 6. There were periods where she would be ok for months, but then she would be drinking for 2 months straight, usualy kicked dad out so it was me and her. That time i felt best cause the pressure was off me, it was just her and she was to drunk to yell at me or say i didnt do this or that. Later years she did some more bad things, like lying about things so they would give her money even though they didnt have to, to my stepfather when they divorced said, u will give me this much money or i will take ur son away at court. And he gave her money. Right now she is a mixed bag. On 1 hand she has enough apartments renting them so she can live freely, but is always out of money because she doesnt know how to do with money. She is a pill addict, went to rehab multiple times, but always came back. She shows some regret for what she did to me, but apologises some things. But i dont feel as angry with her because she is not happy in life - she is a mess. I feel sorry for her, even though what she did, because living under grandpa .. i just cant imagine what that would be like. I only mentioned the people who played some part in my life, others either did only good to me or they didnt play a big enough importantance to affect my mental being. And maybe it is just ok to say something about me. I am over 30, had issues with depression and anxiety ever since i was 18, though wanted to **** myself even earlier but it wasnt like constant depression as in later years. I try to be as good person as i can be, though i am very harsh in the way i talk, similar to my grandpa. But just today i thought about my family and everytime someone asks me for help, i help, and i do it a lot with different things. I finished college, went to job, quit very fast due to panic attacks, now i have a semi legal business of myself, looking for ways to make it fully legal. I live in apartment that belongs to my stepfather - i pay the bills but he doesn't charge me rent, saying that it is out of the question because its normal for parents to help their children and saying that his parents helped him with rent even when he was over 40. I am very thankful to him for that and really help him everytime he asks me for something. I did lots of changes in 2020 and i am really happy with where i am and where i am going, i have lots of goals and feel really great working on them, like my business that will improve peoples lifes further, etc. I also do lots of good to friends when they ask me, never even think about taking the money. I am into technology so u know, i help with everything from computers, gadgets or even if something needs to be fixed or screwed in, like today i helped in the kitchen. Its sad that most people think i am really rude or even evil, just because i mask my pain by playing a tough guy, making jokes of people, etc. But almost every friend i can mention, i helped them a lot in the last year and none helped me. I didnt ask anyone for money for the past 12 years, never expected anything from anyone, completely moved away from money, have no need for it. I am obviously still suffering from depression and anxiety, its holding me back. So its kind of a mixed bag - i am really happy with where i am and where i am going, as long as i keep working. Only when i stop to rest and have time to think, then the pain comes. Anyway today i told my grandpa what i feel, that he is and was a bad person and hasn't changed a bit, still only looks after himself, never ever thinks about anyone other than him. So i feel sorry for telling him that when hes old but all his life he abused people and no one ever stood up to him. He never ever thought to give a small apartment to my mom when she had 2 kids and a family, no, he kept all apartments and houses to himself and when i say a lot i say more than 5, all empty, he went there once a year, while me and my family kept paying high rent. And today i told my grandma the next time i come, i will wait outside so she comes and we will go for a walk or coffe. She always says how sad she is because i am not ok with grandpa but i said today she has no right to do that, because i have a right to not have contact with people who hurt me. I always break when my grandma says that but i plan on staying firm this time. I would like your opinion, do i have the right to do that and am i doing the right thing ? And please, just this once, avoid saying you feel sorry for me or you wished that i got better. Its nice but we all say that. This time i would really like to hear the truth. If you think i am wrong in this, please tell me, it will do me a lot of good and i will think again about whether i am right or wrong. Like i said, the biggest problem is grandma - if she wasnt living with grandpa, there would be no problem. But now if i come and take her out for a coffe, she will make that sad look saying, how sad it makes her that i dont talk to grandpa and than i will feel guilt. Am i right in telling her that it is my decision who i talk to and that she has to respect me and my pain from past. And should i forgive my grandpa just because he is old, even though he is still abusive, uses me for everything he can just to save money (his pension is 1 of 100 biggest in my country btw, he was even in newspaper once where they wrote top 100 pension names). When i was at my lowest and needed his help, it was like i dont exist. And all grandma and grandpa keep telling me, we adore you, we love you and always did. Yes, i dont doubt, i was very much a loved child. But actions are the ones that matter. What do i care if someone says he adores me now that i finished college. I needed people to tell me "keep your head up, we will get through it" when i was failing highschool and was suicidal. Instead everyone kept talking how much i let everyone down and i am a failure. Ok, for those who read all this, thank you for your time and i would really value your input on this matter.
  4. Well i have never been really disciplined. Very hyperactive as a child, still am (which is funny cause my energy level is basicly 0). I compare myself to other obviously and belive i failed in life. I am trying to put my s*it together but feel i am not doing enough. Lately i say to myself that life is so short and i shouldnt be so hard on myself. Then i think of all the wrong choices i made in life but also that even if i did things differently, i doubt it would be much better. I am just really unhappy.
  5. I guess 1 of the reason (apart from college that trully didnt do good to my mental health) is that i compare myself and my deeds to normal people without those issues. For instance, today if looked at objectively, i didnt do anything or enough to "earn my right to live". I woke up, played a game waiting for rain to pass, then got on my bike for a 20 minute drive to my grandma and grandpa. Went to the store there and bought the items my grandma requested. Stayed there for an hour or two, talking, then came home. And then "rewarded" myself with 1 hour series i like to watch. Now looking from the healty persons point of view, i did nothing. Going to the store for old people is not rocket science, its what young people must do because it is a right thing. But starting from when i woke up with thought, why do i live and i dont want to live. Then go outside on wet roads where every thing irritated and annoyed me. Then into the store among the people which i really hate, looking for redicious items. Then going to my grandma and grandpa. Grandma ofcourse a total angel, been all my life, the only person who never quit on me. Grandpa did a lot of bad things in my life, is probably the root of all this s*it i am in. And even though he is old now and asks for help, he is still mean and yells and the way he speaks like he is above us all, every inch of my body is screaming to not help him. And then watching my grandma how she is sad because she feels sorry for him, even though he abused her all her life and still does. And trying to explain to him that he has not been a good person and seeing that he is so much in his world that he doesnt understand it, he actualy belives he is a good guy and did good in his life. So its pointless, he will never understand. So i carefuly steered between not making grandma sad and still doing the just thing telling him that his way is wrong. Giving him an example why my relation with grandma is the way it is and my relation with him is the way it is. It brought all the memories back and knowing that he is a big part of why i have mental issues, it is just impossible to forgive, the pain i am going through, i cannot forget and i cannot forgive. And helping such person is wrong, just wrong and i said the only reason i am helping you is grandma, say thanks to her. Obviously as always, when i came home i had a bad feeling, imagining him all poor, barely walking, talking how he will soon die, etc. But the second we start talking this devil comes out of his mouth. He is just so unbelivably unnice person its hard to even describe. The problem is, he was like this all his life and no one ever told him what kind of asshole he is, so he got so used to it, he sees himself as a good guy. I told my father one time ... i said, i cant belive how grandpa got through life without someone punching him on the face ? Because i have seen people get punched for 100x less. In no way do i support violence but it just crossed my mind. Anyway, back to my day in which i accomplished nothing. A simple task of bringing food to my grandparents was to me so stressfull that when i came home i could barely stand up, i actualy laid down to watch a series because i physicaly couldnt stand up. People do not understand that if you suffer for mental illness, every simple chore can be a huge task. And it is so frustrating trying to compete in this life to people without mental issues. It is like running a marathon against other people, but be the only one with a huge weight in your backpack. No matter what you do, u will never be the same as them. Only lately i have been trying to tell myself this that i have to do things at my own pace and understand that yes, i am ill. And know that my efford counts, how much efford i put into things, how much energy i lose. Even if i accomplish less then others, it doesnt mean i tried any less hard. And that is its own reward. And each day that i didnt put a gun to my mouth and pressed the trigger should be counted as a success.
  6. Just another terrible day and some things i would like to share. Many years ago my life was a wreck, i didnt do anything productive, just wasting it, having fun, playing video games, watching movies and series. I didnt feel 1 bit bad about wasting most of the day for things that didnt matter, i just enjoyed. Then came college and the constant tasks we had, like homework to be done few times a week till midnight, then those tests every week or two. I was constantly running out of time, no matter how i tried, i was doing homework 10 minutes before it had to be sent to college servers, i was studying 1 day before test and i knew if i dont pass it i fail the whole semester. Then the main exams, again the same thing, i was counting down days till main exams, in fear, every hour i wasted, i knew it will hurt my college, everyday i wasted, i knew it. And my grandma who is my dearest person in life, also said, time runs so quick, be careful. She didnt mean to put pressure on me but she did, i told her that. It came so far that i even called her sometimes in the evening, said that i have done lots of work for college and if i can play a game now with no regrets (it was kindof a funny thing i would do, being an adult, joking bout asking my dear grandmas permision but in truth, i actualy felt better her saying i can play a game.). I was a bad student and took many years to pass the college. I was under no pressure as i was doing some light work on the side which earned me enough money to take time in college - there was no pressure from anyone, except the one i made for myself - what will people think if i take this long to pass the college ? Anyway this constant being under time pressure really put a mark on me, i will explain how later. Anyway, near end of college my condition worsened, 1 evening panic attacks returned. Its over 2 years since then but i am still not fully recovered, no panic but bad depression. Anyway back to my life now. Dont have a 8 hour a day job because i couldnt handle the pressure. So i took another path, im my own boss, doing various things, i dont earn much but i earn enough to support myself. And i am not materialistic, i dont need much nor have the need to buy me anything. I probably got this way because i simply had to live like this to survive. But i think it helps me a lot. So finaly came to the point of this post. Why do i not allow myself to have fun even though right now i am under completely no time pressure to do anything. I could lay in the middle of the room for 1 straight week and nothing bad would happen. But everytime i play a video game (used to bring me so much joy, no more), i have terrible feeling that i am wasting time instead of doing something worthwhile. Similar if i watch a movie or series. I simply get nervous like there is something hanging above me, i cannot relax. It took a long time to came where i am, where i can actualy support myself and actualy have the time to do something for myself, even if it means wasting a whole day, to help me heal. Its like i cannot find the right balance. Years back instead of doing school, i would waste whole days and not feel bad. Now i feel bad about video games even if i do all the chores in a day and earn enough money for the day. I have the need for someone in my family to tell me its perfectly alright to waste an hour or so. Its interesting, when im chatting on fb, looking at stupid things, i dont feel like i am wasting time, even though i am. But if i open a game, that somehow links to "enjoing or wasting" in my brain and i get the bad feeling. I got used to it that some days will simply be very bad, no matter what i do. And it would be great if those days, i could just lie in bed and watch a nice tv series and not feel bad about it - take it as a healing of sorts (just like when ur ill u lie in bed with temperature and u dont feel bad about wasting ur time). If it will help, its about 1 year since my last activities in college that had any kind of time pressure effect. My doctor said its common that even though i am no longer under real pressure, that my body just takes a while to get used to it. But its been 1 year, shouldnt i adjust to new life? I hope you understand what i mean. Maybe you have some kind of suggestion or idea for me.
  7. Hello, First of all, i do not plan to do a suicide right now nor promote it in any way. Just to prevent topic being deleted for that reason. Very simple post. I am looking for suicidal people to talk with. The reason is very simple. Only they can understand how i feel. Not all depressed people are suicidal. I know many people that are depressed or were depressed but most of them cannot understand how it feels like when a person no longer wants to live or even wants to do a suicide. I would like to have at least 1 person - friend, that will understand. It would make me feel like i am not alone in feeling like this and maybe we could support each other in hard times. We could stay in contact over this forum or any other media, it's all ok with me. Send me a PM. For anyone who is wondering, im around 30, male, finished college, i have felt like this for 15 years, with a few good years in between. I have a psychiatrist, tried all possible meds and doses, i go to depression talk group, i do sports, got a steady income, nothing endangers me, family loves and supports me, same with friends, while life is not perfect, there is no reason around me that would make me feel this way.
  8. I only recently noticed that i have a huge problem with rumination. Its a bit strange actualy. Lets say i play a musical instrument and feel good. Right away thoughts of scenarios will start playing in my head. Its scenarios where i argue with ppl or ppl try to put me down and i fight it, or maybe i imagine how im arguing with someone about politics, sports, etc. The result is that i get depressed, irritated and my head hurts. I think this is a big part of my problems - i ruminate all the time so i dont get to feel good. I am trying to replace those negative thoughts, like when i get this negative thought, think of something positive (for me is a certain kind of animal, imagining it, or lots of them, etc.). I am looking for some answers. Like, how do i stop this negative thoughts. How and why do they make me feel bad. More insight into this, share your experience, etc.
  9. Well things havent been going very well lately, but i am still holding on, having some goals, etc. I still think it was the right decision even though i look like a failed to hold on. But i really dont want to spend my time in toxic environment, not when i have other options
  10. I already quit and im happy. I decided to stop living like i will live forever. I wanted a motorbike but never got one because i knew it was very dangerous. Then it got me thinking, last 10 years more or less i didnt want to be alive, i would happily press the suicide button. So i said, what is holding me back ? I want to die but i dont buy motorbike because it is dangerous. So i decided im gonna get a motor bike ! Also i did some steps today that will allow me to earn money in a nicer way, without mean negative people.
  11. My parents are making an efford, i guess they realised their first reaction was bad. I feel better now that i have quit the job and will find new challenges but will look for my health first. I guess now that i have been in a toxic job, it made me respect what i otherwise have.
  12. It is kind of funny, because months ago i said to everyone, as soon as i get job, my depression will improve, give structure to my day, make me feel useful, etc. Oh how wrong i was. I got into a toxic environment where i wasnt accepted. It might be my fault or it might not be, i am not sure. But the fact is those ppl really werent nice. Nothing i ever did was good enough, always found only negative sides and i really did my best, even studied at home after work. Now i know im not the most likable guy around but when i saw their negative attitude i tried to correct things, was really positive and nice, but the more i tried the more cold they were. I was really unhappy, to the point that when driving home i was looking at railroads and thinking of ending it. So i took 2 sedatives to get me into a better mood, and i send mail to my boss that i am quiting. Might not be the smartest decision i ever did but i think health is more important then money and i just might have to deal with my depression before i get into a super hard job where u must be 100% all the time, have tough skin, etc. So that is this from me, i quit yesterday, have 1000s of plans on how i will get through the month with doing this and that, got a lot of money saved up, so i should be fine. I also am having my first ever psychotherapy today, we will see if it does some good to me. It kindof brought me down yesterday the reaction from my parents. So negative, not thinking of supporting me when im down, but my friend said u should get used up to ur parents being like that. Now when i said how dissapointed i am in them and basicly stoped replying, they keep sending me nice supportive messages. Funny. Prolly cause they are afraid i will try suicide again. Anyway, i really look forward to some time without stress and will try to get the best out of it, work on my core problem - depression. I really thought job would help with it, maybe it would if i was in a nice environment. But i just couldnt handle it, i quit, i lost, sadly. But i am determined to make the most of it and be a winner in the end.
  13. I did get something from this nervous breakdown after all. I decided to stop caring so much about things and try to be calm. I will give you 2 examples: 1) i stress out so much bout my job, whether i will handle it or get fired and be humiliated. Well now i convinced myself that i dont like this job and dont need it (both of which is true) so now i just come, do what they tell me to do, but have 0 fear of being fired. Why ? Because humiliation when fired, well lets be honest, it will last for 1 day. After that i will forget about this job and ppl on the job will forget about me and we will probably never see eachother. And if i get fired i can go back to doin things i love and earn me nice money. 2) im trying to apply same tactic to other things in life. Basicaly, no matter how much you get humiliated, its all forgoten when you die, when ppl die. So things dont really matter that much. I think of times in past when i was humiliated or failed at something and i can barely remember them anymore and certanly they dont make me feel bad. So i will just try to be like, i have no more ****s to give. I keep singing this song and i will learn lyrics of it and just sing it when i feel like stressing myself out about non important things: [YouTube video, 'I've No More F*ck* to Give', channel Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq.]
  14. Like most of my plans, this one kinda failed. Not completely. Im back on social media, i wasted the days since wednesday. But i did start writing on paper the problems i see in my life (like attention seeking) and for each one i am trying to write down solutions. Because when u look at it like that, like its math, write down problems and write down solutions, it all seems so easy. But in reality it is not. Anyway i decided i will write down all problems i see in my life as far as mental health goes and i will write solutions and also some simple steps. For instance that validation i seek and the want to be in the center of attention all the time and feeling bad and down when i am not, well i will simply write down, that i should stop being in the center of attention and just try to enjoy the moment. This was a very simple example but u know what im trying to say.
  15. This will be my last post on social media or forum, then i will take a break from it. The reason i choose this forum out of all is that this is probably the best place to share this with people who understand pain and maybe my condition. Today i felt bad, as i feel bad most of the days. But i keep up my routine, go to work, where ppl are mean to me, then work at home, do bunch of hobbies, kind of ignore my depression and just keep pushing. As i sometimes do, i took some sedatives after work to get me into a better mood, i took the wrong ones and they brought me even more down. Then there was a trigger (to make a long story short, someone for whom i trully belived was a good person and for that reason forgave that person something they did, but today i found out that this person was not a good person, not even close). So my first reaction was, as it usualy is with me, huge agression and thoughts about harming someone (someone other than me for a change). After a while, my body got tired and that sedatives finaly did some good and opened my eyes to some thoughts ... some thought that i briefly had many times lately, but i never really paid attention to them, because it was easier to ignore them than to confront them. And that is, that among many problems coming from my childhood, probably my main problem is, the constant need for validation from others and being the best or 1 of the best at everything (was taught, not on purpose probably, by my family at very young age of about 5, that it only matters if you are good or the best at something, otherwise its not worth it at all ). My friend, who is not a mental ilness expert by degree, saw that in me in the first 5 minutes that we met for the first time, no doctor so far could come close to that. Basicaly he said to me, u matter to me as a human person, not because u are good at this and that and that, all this dont matter to me. U, as a person, are worth something just because you are. And he said, this, you have to tell yourself and start acting like that, feeling that u are worth something without other ppl saying wow, look how good he is at that. So my next step was to go through all my activities that i have done in the last, lets say 13 years. But maybe 13 years ago it wasnt as bad as it is now, actualy it was a lot less bad. Maybe the last 8 years its terrible. So like i said i went over all the things i do in life. Playing a music instrument and posting videos of it on youtube and other social media. Training a fighting sport. Weight lifting. Going to a really hard college. Inventing things and assembling them. Growing plants. I even got an animal companion and when i really think of it deep down, i feel as again, i did it because it is unusual animal and will get me an attention. When i think of my current job and my paycheck, i never think about like, ok, i have bad paycheck so i wont have much money and wont be able to buy things. No, i always think only how i compare to others. I want to climb hierarchy and i want high paycheck only to brag. Because otherwise i spend very little, live really humble life and have no need for a huge paycheck. Girlfriends. I had a girlfriend who loved me and treated me really well. Why i stopped dating her ? Because i felt that she wasnt good looking enough and it would be great to have a better looking gf so other ppl on the street would go wow, look how pretty his gf is. I was hiking in last years. So many ppl go hiking because of beautiful nature and to feel good exercising. I went so i could brag how fast i could go on top of the mountain or look at how high of a mountain i was. Even a simple thing like playing a video game, i pick really hard games and add extra challenges to them. Not because i love frustrating challenges but because when i accomplish them i can feel special and brag about it. There are even more examples same as this, but i think u got the point. I had to much attention as a child because of music instrument at which i was very good. Its not healty for a 5 year old to have 300 adults bowing down to him, its just not. Anyway all those things that i wrote down, my activities, basicaly i did all of them not because i felt good doing them, but because i knew i was good at them or at least they were special by nature, like fighting sport, and i knew ppl will go wow. I know its natural to want validation from others to a degree. But when i post my activity on social media i look at likes and when there is a lot of them it is like a drug to me, i get high on it. And when i feel there is not enough wows and likes, i get really really down, it crushes my world basicaly. I even did something, for the first time in my life, donated some money to the needy cause. And what was the reason ? A girl i kind of liked asked ppl on social media to do that and i only did this so i could post it there and get attention, be special, i didnt even for a second think about the child and that his life depended on this money. I am ashamed of that deeply, because i see myself as a good moral person, but this is horrible example of how it felt more important to me to get validation, be special, more important that life of a child who is i dont know, 5 years old ? I had moments like this in the past year, when i really had kind of a nervous breakdown and said, i need to change something in my life, basicly my thinking. But then i went to sleep and next day was back to the usual. I am afraid it will happen again, but i really need to use this moment to spend time alone in my apartment, i turned off my gmail, my facebook and my phone. I need to stop constantly doing something and just sit down and think about where this ilness is coming from and that it leads to a disaster. Because i will never, never be the best at everything. Its not possible. I could be best at 1 thing maybe, but no one can be the best in everything. And u can never be happy this way, if nothing else, with years you get older and younger ppl will be better than you at things, its the natural order of things. I send mail to work that im sick and wont be coming to work. Infact, i might even quit this job because i have other income that is enough for my basic needs and this job is making me unhappy, i feel unwelcome there and i think everyone is mean to me. Maybe i am just kind of weak but even at work i always try to be something special, as often as i can, i try to be included in conversation and try to brag about something i did or something i know. Might be the reason they really dont like me that much. I have until monday to decide what is what and what to do, i think it would be best for me if i had my phone turned on, wouldnt go to facebook or gmail, at least until monday or until i try and figure something out. Because this is something i have to deal with myself. Might be that i finaly got a breakthrough because for the last 13 years i didnt know why i was depressed, and most of it now because everything in my life seems super, job, apartment, friends, the only thing missing is a girlfriend and that is also a big part of my pain, but not nearly as big as what i just wrote about. I think i need to sit down and in my mind come to a realisation that i can either continue to live like this, spend a fortune on a sports car just so ppl on facebook will go wow, what a monster of a car you have. Or i can lose my health trying to get that big paycheck just so i can brag about it. Or ... i can somehow tell myself that i, as a person, have worth. Not because of my car or my fighting skills, not because of the size of my paycheck or how hot my girlfriend is. This reminds me of a friend who has a gf but apart from that he has nothing. He is not the prettiest person around and i am not trying to be mean, he has a crappy low paying job where he is at the complete bottom of hierarchy, he is not good at anything, has no hobbies, very little friends, very little money. But he is happy. I never seen him unhappy. He lost both his parents at very young age, but he is always smiling and he is happy and when i ask him how and why, he just says, thats the way i am and then sings the song: always look on the bright side of life. So to continue, what i will try to do in the next days is, convince myself that i am worth as i am. Worthy of love. Worthy of respect. Not that trying to improve yourself is bad, not at all, being good at something is good. But you have to do that becuase U love doing that and you feel good about improving and getting better. Not because you want other ppl to say wow. And sadly, i went through every single activity i did in the last 10 years, every single one, i didnt leave even 1 out. And when i asked myself why do i do that, the answer was so clear as nothing in my life. I do it to be special, to get validation, confirmation, to get likes and wows. I am sorry but i couldnt say this with fewer words and that is the best way i can put it. I will occasionaly check for your replies.And instead of feeling sorry for myself and saying all will be well, i would like some input on what u feel about what i just wrote. Am i doing the right thing to confront this pain i hold ? This need for validation ? Is this the best path to maybe finaly be happy one day. How is this disorder i have called. Attention whore would be a not so nice slang, i am sure there is a medical term for it, it would help me if i knew it so i could read more about it. Thank you for reading all this, good mental health to all of us.
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