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Sentinel2

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  1. I am actualy having a few good days in a row, which is very uncommon for me. I think occasionaly about the job thing and while it makes me very nervous regarding whether i will be able to do it mentaly, but on the other hand i am very happy that after years of college, i will be able to do what i was trained to do in college. And basicly i am motivated to try as hard as i can to conquer this, one of the last obstacles. Basicly learn as hard as i can to handle the job and if necesary work at home also because lets face it, i can never be 100% with my mental problems and i might need more time and efford then others. It would mean the world to me though if after 1 year i would be comfortable in job, meaning that i will be able to do what is asked of me. It would mean even more knowing that my path maybe was harder then path of my coworkers, with my mental and health problems.
  2. Well i have to say this went better then i expected. Its not final yet but i am moving forward, i will know more in about 2 weeks. I am scared of what is to come, thinking how i wont be able to handle it. But i know that i have to try. I am trying to keep positive thoughts in my head, though it is not very easy.
  3. Hello, I finished college and am going to my first real job interview. I am so nervous i got ill today. I shouldnt be so nervous but i am. I am not afraid of not getting a job, i am afraid of not being able to handle it, get ashamed. It is hard to handle depression and anxiety itself alone, let alone new job, new environment. I am in a total fight or flight response right now. I feel like i just wanna run far away or end it all. And i am mad at myself that i am not worried about not getting a job and not getting paid, like a normal person. I am just afraid to not being able to handle it and get ashamed. I am trying to fill my head with positive thoughts and be strong, but right now it is not working. It is a time of big changes in my life and i am really bad with changes. I got big issues even starting to watch a new tv series (thats why i watch old one over and over again), let alone leaving "careless life of a student" behind and being a total adult with a real job. I would like to note that i am not afraid of hard work, so i am not lazy. I am just afraid that with depression/anxiety, where i forget things, have problems with normal daily things, that i just wont be able to handle it.
  4. I took 3mg bromazepam. And while on average day it would make it a little slow and dizzy, this time it didnt. I am assuming because of all the adrenaline. The ones that were there listening to my presentation said i surprised them (maybe because i was telling them for a week about how scared i am and how i will freeze). My friend even said she never saw me so confident and sovereign. I am really proud of myself, how i handled this. Heh here i go saying i am proud of myself for the second time in 2 days. My god, its amazing :)) So yes, i think bromazepam helped but i did my part also by beliving in myself (with lots of supports of my family and friends) and really preparing well for the presentation. Oh and someone here said that a good advice is to never look people who are listening to u directly into their eyes but a bit above. Well, i didnt look in their direction much, that i can say, would be to hard 😄 Only at the end when they were giving me questions, then i had no trouble looking them into their eyes.
  5. Just want to know everyone that i rocked the floor today and i officialy finished college 😄
  6. Btw i just wanted to say this to someone who understands. Year 2018 has been the worst year of my life, had terrible depression and anxiety. And usualy i am not happy with the way i did things, always putting myself down thinking how i didnt do enough or how i could do things better. But right now looking back at that horrible year 2018, i can honestly say i am proud of me. I survived, even though i was close to giving up, i finished my last exam, i prepare my diploma thesis, i worked for a living during all this time, but like i said, depression and anxiety was the worst thing. And i dont even know how i managed to survive but i did. Maybe knowing that i survived can help someone. Just liked Tyson Fury said. "get up, get over it, seek help and let’s do it together as a team". Because all of us who suffer are in the same pot and we gotta do it as a team !
  7. Sadly there is not enough time for me to get beta blockers, i have the presentation this monday. I decided i will simply take 3mg bromazepam, watch something funny before i have presentation and just laugh it off. I will be my usual cute self, have a smile on my face, cutiepie eyes and just rock their world. Joking aside, i will smile and do my best and the rest as they say will be history :)
  8. Today i tested 75mg tramadol. And while i have to say, my day has been sunny, i don't think it helped me much with anxiety. So between this and bromazepam, i would have to say bromazepam. I am thinking of trying 6mg of bromazepam though i am afraid i will simply be to slow to do anything on it. I am also thinking whether to test zyprexa (i have it prescribed for sleeping, but my doctor said it also helps anxiety). And the last thing, my friend who is a doctor said beta blockers are supposed to help with anxiety also, but i have no way of getting them. So yeah, any input from your own experience as always is welcome. I have come to terms with the fact that those 10 minutes will be suffering, i will sweat like hell, my voice will shake, but i will get through it no matter what. And if anyone in the pill making business is reading this. Make a pill for public speaking. Life is far to short to suffer when you really dont need to. Again, there is time when it is worth to suffer but there are times when it simply isnt. And the fact that out of all the things i tested, alcohol is by far the best (nothing else comes even close) should ring all the alarms. After the dosage i tested i am calm, my mind is working much better than when i am sober (though this is probably to depression/anxiety totaly blocking my brain) and well, anxiety is basicly gone. I only decided against alcohol because i think it would mean disrespect to teachers who will listen to my presentation. Goes without saying what i will use the next time i have a date :)
  9. Today i tested 3mg of bromazepam. It really doesn't work well. I can feel it is working, my thinking is slower, but still when i think about my presentation i get sweaty hands almost right away. To be honest i am a little angry right now since this was given to me for panic atacks. And my panic atacks were really severe, u could tell how much i was suffering by looking at me, no wonder they didn't help me much with panic atacks if they cant even help with thoughts of presentation. So looking back when i was suffering at times for hours with panic atacks, i was given this drug that really does no good and was left to suffer (in my country 1 of the first postulats of hospitals is that "pacient has the right to not suffer"). I will hopefuly try tramadol tomorrow. But right now, while i have very negative attitude towads drug abusers, i certanly understand if someone uses cocaine before public presentation. Because while i never tried (nor ever will) cocaine, judging from what occasional users tell me, this is exactly what i would need for this very occasion.
  10. Thank you for the answers, i will test 6mg of bromazepam tomorrow and see how i feel. I will test whether i can still speak and think normaly, etc. I hope i will have time to test around 100mg of tramadol also. It is literaly days until my presentation. And now even just thinking about it, i get sweaty hands and get tingly all over my body. I do hope that all goes well and also that by finishing college, a big weight will be put of my chest and hopefully life will get better. I will let everyone know how it went, got some work to do but it is a matter of days :))
  11. Both medications were prescribed by the doctor, tramadol for my back pain (had an operation) and bromazepam for my rare panic attacks (tbh i keep it more for feeling secure than actualy using it). I understand your reluctance to give a straight answer and i respect that. Though like i said, i will use 1 of the options no matter what, i will not black out on the most important day of my life. I will do some testing at home to find the correct dose of what will help me on this, oh so important day for me. If anyone has any experience, i will be glad to take it. Right now i am deciding between tramadol (which will get me high and extra confident, but adrenaline will be high) or medium dosage of bromazepam (which will get me sleepy, slow, but low adrenaline). I know that all this must sound terrible to an outside reader but i rather say things as they are. Breathing exercises are out of the question due to not enough time and more importantly, them being extremely uneffective for me. Even the thought of me being there in front of estemed proffesors, giving my speech, makes me shake and feel tingly and light headed.
  12. Hello, I will soon have my college diploma presentation. It will be a unique, 1 time thing and most important moment of my life so far. I am currently on max dosage of antidepressant due to depression and anxiety. The last time i had a public presentation i almost blacked out. It was only 1 minute presentation and no one noticed anything was wrong, but for me, everything went black so i dont remember seeing anything, i just remember trying to speak without my voice shaking. It was terrible. This time i will have to speak for 10 minutes. As i mentioned this is a 1 time thing. So it is all or nothing. I dont have time practicing since it will be in a manner of days. I need something for this 1 time only, something that will help me. I need you to help me decide which thing to use (and i will take 1 of this no matter what so please do not try to make me change my mind, it is a 1 time thing and very important😞) - tramadol (i take it occasionaly for backpain, i do notice that it makes me feel better mentaly also, i take 37.5mg only) - bromazepam (i take it very rarely for heavy anxiety or panic attack) - alcohol (this is the only one out of 3 that i KNOW works, but the down side is that if anyone smells alcohol, it is going to end badly) As you answer my question please understand my plea. I have enough problems as it is with my college diploma and really dont need an extra burden of almost blacking out to be on my shoulders.
  13. Same for me, this method only works when i am a little depressed but when it is really bad, i dont have the strength. There is so many things regarding depression i would like to discuss, but i cant open that many new topics. It really is a menace we have to live with :/
  14. Can't say i am feeling well. I am light drinking, trying to do some work for my college. Feeling lonely, anxious, afraid, depressed. Wish i had a person to hug with and make dark thoughts go away. I used to have that person, but i pushed the person away. I hate saturdays. And my life.
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