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Sentinel2

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  1. Hello, i have a funny "disorder" if i can call it that. It all started when we got a new tv comunicator device that allowed to watch things that were on tv in the past. Meaning i can watch something from lets say 3 days ago on tv and i can also skip to a certain part of the thing. Basicly normal tv becomes like youtube - you can watch what u want, when u want, u can skip parts of video or watch certain moment in video over and over again. Now to my problem. When i watch videos, movies or scenes in a video game, i sometimes miss on certain moments because they are to fast or because i just think about something else at the moment. I guess this is normal. Probably depression is also to blame because its hard for me to concentrate. But this moments i miss arent important. But for some reason i feel as if they are and keep rewinding and watching them a few times in a row. For instance when i watch a tv report on some incident, there is a certain part of this report that for some reason i feel is very important and will watch it 3 or more times in a row. When i watch a movie or tv series, there are parts of the movie/series that i feel that is importaint and/or that i didnt quite understand and i watch it 3 or more times. This behaviour isn't damaging, but its rather annoying. Takes me 30% more time to watch a tv series or movie. Its similar when i play a video game. When i start a mission in video game where i have to choose difficulty, i sometimes restart it more than 3 times because i am unsure that i choose the difficulty i wanted. Even though even the first time there was no doubt that i selected it. Its similar to checking my sound amplifier when i leave my home. I check 3 or more times to make sure i put volume to 0 to prevent freak accident when it would start playing when im not at home and disturb neighbours. This is the best i can sum it up. So whats up with my behaviour ? Maybe to note, i feel extremely uncomfortable if i dont rewind video or check amplifier another time. I want to limit this behaviour and also would like an explanation what is going on.
  2. Funny thing, hiking really helps me. Calm and good feeling usualy lasts for hours after i stop walking, its really like a magic pill for me.
  3. A little update. I am getting used to my new apartment :)
  4. I have a few updates for anyone who is interested. First, today i went hiking for almost 2 hours with few short stops. I am happy with the acomplishment, in the last 12 years the most time in one go i went was 55 minutes. It was very hard but i had most of today depression free due to this - it was hard walking but it wasnt depression, it was pain which is different. And after i was on top of the hill i really felt good and the good lasted for few more hours. Now i am feeling less good as all evenings but even now its not that bad. I kept to my routine for 8 straight days and while this routine is really easy, i am proud that i kept at it, its harder then it really looks. Btw at my last outburst of severe depression 1.5 years ago, i started smoking again. A few days ago i tried stopping cold turkey with nicotine patches and learned that when you are very depressed, maybe its not the best time to stop smoking - depression and stop smoking just combine into a living hell. But i will still do something in this direction. In last 8 days i smoked on average 12 cigarets per day. I decided starting tomorrow i will cut to 10 and then each week reduce by 1 cigarete. Again writing this, this seems childish but as many of you understand, when depressed, even simple things seem like a big chore. I have it all written in an excel log and after a while i will post it here so you see how it looks, maybe it will help someone on his path.
  5. Thank you soo much for all the replies, it means the world to me. I will see how your advices can be incorporated into my routine. In my 20 minutes of exercises per day btw are pushups and squats. I like this so i can see how i improve, that makes me feel better. I will improve minutes per day of exercise in time and also add more exercises.
  6. Atra: Thank you for ideas. I might have problem both with doing something challenging and learning something new. Challenging for me is now every single little thing in life, everything seems so hard to do. And for learning something new, i really hate changes and new things. And while i thought that it would be fun and good to learn something new eachday, i just dont think i am capable atm.
  7. Hey, It's been over 13 years of me battling depression, with ups and downs. I decided that i have to make some changes on a day to day basis. I tried to google things that are known to help depression and try to include them into my daily life. I decided i will try with small steps as to not overwhelm me. I would like to ask your opinion on what else i could add to my list and/or how to change things to get even better result. I plan to add things and increase time or number of times per week i do certain activity. I also write down things i do each day to keep a log. This is what i got so far: 1) at least 20 minutes of playing a musical instrument each day 2) at least 20 minutes of exercise each day, i take note on things i do to see how/if i improve over time 3) reduce ciggaretes and alcohol consumption 4) 2mg epa (omega 3) per day 5) at least once a week go hiking for 1 hour 6) at least once a week go out on a coffe with friends 7) wake up at 10am Please comment on what i got so far and what else i could add to put my day into some structure that will help me with my depression.
  8. I am still kind of holding on. During the day when i go out i feel better but evenings are very depressing. I try to watch a movie to make me feel better but it seems anything i watch feels like a meh movie. I used to love movies but now its just meh.
  9. Thank you for your reply, I am taking meds, occasionaly visit a doctor. I try to do some sports. Right now the way i see it all i can do is hold tight as the time passes hopefuly things will get better. I will try to fix the apartment also in this time as working really makes me feel better.
  10. A topic about how depression makes everything harder. I moved to a new place. Its a nice place, monthly cost will be very cheap, its in good location, its big enough. I will be living with my friend, each of us will have 1 room. My family is owner of this flat so i can basicly change anything i want, make the place how i like it. See how everything i wrote seems like perfect situation ? My depression is making everything so hard on me that last few days i had some very dark thoughts. I will obviously have to fix things in my apartment. Remove old owners things out, fix doors so i have quiet in my room, fix this, fix that. I remember 10 years ago when i moved to a new place i felt great, had goals, was happy that there are things to fix, i did most myself since i usualy enjoy that. But now i am very depressed, have hard time getting used to a new place and everything i have to fix feels like a big burden to me. Also the fact that i wont be living alone unlike my last place at first felt like a great thing for my depression, you know, have company and all. Well now i feel like i will never have peace and quiet. So this is it. I have been reading some other topics on peoples places and when looking from a rational point of view i really have no right to complain. That is why its even worse for me because i should be happy but i am not. Every night last few days i was thinking of whether keep at it or just end it all (i am guessing this is some kind of fight or flight response). I did so many things in last few years, every other person would call i had succesfull last few years. But i just dont feel joy in it. And i know i should. Every thing i acomplish, i find some other thing i didnt acomplish yet and dwell on it.
  11. I keep telling myself i need to man up, get my mojo back. I used to have it, few years back. I thought i could do everything, granted, i was a egoistic also but i was happier. Now i am trying to get this self confidence back without being an egoist. Be a good person but a strong man. And at least for me, self confidence and manning up means getting rid of fear in the process. I know it doesnt work like that for everyone but sometimes when i feel bad, i pound on my chest and say outloud man up.
  12. About 1.5 years ago i had some very bad panic attacks, very bad experience, with bad depression at the same time. Things got better, i am still depressed but its less serious and panick attacks are gone. But i can still feel panic staying with me. Its not an intense thing but i am always afraid of everything. I am afraid of job, i am afraid of death, i am afraid of living. It is hard to explain but most of the things when i think of them, i feel panicky. And i always think i wont handle things. I used to think so high of myself like i can do anything, now anything i think about i feel like i cant handle it, even when i think of past jobs i had (which i did no problem), i feel as if i couldnt do them now. How do you cope with it ? Is it possible to get rid of this feeling and once more be free ?
  13. Thank you all for your answers, it means a lot to me. I would like to add something new in the last few days, i just feel very irritated. I always have bad nerves, but this last few days i can barely make a cup of coffe without cursing something in my head. I was thinking that maybe its the allergy season and that allergy maybe makes me feel like this. I wake up like this. I would like to note that today i exercised after about 2 weeks and while it was light exercise i felt a bit better afterwards, shower also calmed me down a bit. And then i tried some breathing, or should i say, holding breath. Holding breath seems to help me. I breathe in, hold my breath as long as i can and as i exchale, i get this nice dizzy feeling or light headedness. I tried holding breathe as i exchale also, since it is supposed to have benefits. Anyway i will work on this things, i might get a massage this days to see if it helps and maybe go to some joga place. I will try almost everything. Once.
  14. Hello, I will shortly try to write what my current problem is. Many years ago i didnt live my life well but i was happier. I didnt do meaningfull things in life, i was wasting it, but i didnt have a problem with it. Then i got ahold of my life, did things, earned lots of money and got my degree. Now i need a couple of months to cool down but i just cannot do it. I feel like something is hanging over my head and that i need to do something. I wake up like this, stressed up. I couldnt even say its depression, its mostly stress. I just wanted to spend 1 day without this feeling, even if i am doing nothing all day, maybe just doing some sports, watch some tv and so on. But i cannot do it. As soon as i start doing such activity, right away i get this bad feeling that i should be doing something meaninful, that i am wasting my time and that, well, something important is on hold because i am relaxing. It has nothing to do with logic because like i said, i worked hard to get enough money for me to rest a month or two, get my health back. Finished my degree also so nothing dangerous there. Any advices how to just relax ? Right now i feel like i am a day to some very important exam on college, stressed totaly, my head hurts.
  15. I am actualy having a few good days in a row, which is very uncommon for me. I think occasionaly about the job thing and while it makes me very nervous regarding whether i will be able to do it mentaly, but on the other hand i am very happy that after years of college, i will be able to do what i was trained to do in college. And basicly i am motivated to try as hard as i can to conquer this, one of the last obstacles. Basicly learn as hard as i can to handle the job and if necesary work at home also because lets face it, i can never be 100% with my mental problems and i might need more time and efford then others. It would mean the world to me though if after 1 year i would be comfortable in job, meaning that i will be able to do what is asked of me. It would mean even more knowing that my path maybe was harder then path of my coworkers, with my mental and health problems.
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