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About Sentinel2

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  1. I only recently noticed that i have a huge problem with rumination. Its a bit strange actualy. Lets say i play a musical instrument and feel good. Right away thoughts of scenarios will start playing in my head. Its scenarios where i argue with ppl or ppl try to put me down and i fight it, or maybe i imagine how im arguing with someone about politics, sports, etc. The result is that i get depressed, irritated and my head hurts. I think this is a big part of my problems - i ruminate all the time so i dont get to feel good. I am trying to replace those negative thoughts, like when i get this negative thought, think of something positive (for me is a certain kind of animal, imagining it, or lots of them, etc.). I am looking for some answers. Like, how do i stop this negative thoughts. How and why do they make me feel bad. More insight into this, share your experience, etc.
  2. Well things havent been going very well lately, but i am still holding on, having some goals, etc. I still think it was the right decision even though i look like a failed to hold on. But i really dont want to spend my time in toxic environment, not when i have other options
  3. I already quit and im happy. I decided to stop living like i will live forever. I wanted a motorbike but never got one because i knew it was very dangerous. Then it got me thinking, last 10 years more or less i didnt want to be alive, i would happily press the suicide button. So i said, what is holding me back ? I want to die but i dont buy motorbike because it is dangerous. So i decided im gonna get a motor bike ! Also i did some steps today that will allow me to earn money in a nicer way, without mean negative people.
  4. My parents are making an efford, i guess they realised their first reaction was bad. I feel better now that i have quit the job and will find new challenges but will look for my health first. I guess now that i have been in a toxic job, it made me respect what i otherwise have.
  5. It is kind of funny, because months ago i said to everyone, as soon as i get job, my depression will improve, give structure to my day, make me feel useful, etc. Oh how wrong i was. I got into a toxic environment where i wasnt accepted. It might be my fault or it might not be, i am not sure. But the fact is those ppl really werent nice. Nothing i ever did was good enough, always found only negative sides and i really did my best, even studied at home after work. Now i know im not the most likable guy around but when i saw their negative attitude i tried to correct things, was really positive and nice, but the more i tried the more cold they were. I was really unhappy, to the point that when driving home i was looking at railroads and thinking of ending it. So i took 2 sedatives to get me into a better mood, and i send mail to my boss that i am quiting. Might not be the smartest decision i ever did but i think health is more important then money and i just might have to deal with my depression before i get into a super hard job where u must be 100% all the time, have tough skin, etc. So that is this from me, i quit yesterday, have 1000s of plans on how i will get through the month with doing this and that, got a lot of money saved up, so i should be fine. I also am having my first ever psychotherapy today, we will see if it does some good to me. It kindof brought me down yesterday the reaction from my parents. So negative, not thinking of supporting me when im down, but my friend said u should get used up to ur parents being like that. Now when i said how dissapointed i am in them and basicly stoped replying, they keep sending me nice supportive messages. Funny. Prolly cause they are afraid i will try suicide again. Anyway, i really look forward to some time without stress and will try to get the best out of it, work on my core problem - depression. I really thought job would help with it, maybe it would if i was in a nice environment. But i just couldnt handle it, i quit, i lost, sadly. But i am determined to make the most of it and be a winner in the end.
  6. I did get something from this nervous breakdown after all. I decided to stop caring so much about things and try to be calm. I will give you 2 examples: 1) i stress out so much bout my job, whether i will handle it or get fired and be humiliated. Well now i convinced myself that i dont like this job and dont need it (both of which is true) so now i just come, do what they tell me to do, but have 0 fear of being fired. Why ? Because humiliation when fired, well lets be honest, it will last for 1 day. After that i will forget about this job and ppl on the job will forget about me and we will probably never see eachother. And if i get fired i can go back to doin things i love and earn me nice money. 2) im trying to apply same tactic to other things in life. Basicaly, no matter how much you get humiliated, its all forgoten when you die, when ppl die. So things dont really matter that much. I think of times in past when i was humiliated or failed at something and i can barely remember them anymore and certanly they dont make me feel bad. So i will just try to be like, i have no more ****s to give. I keep singing this song and i will learn lyrics of it and just sing it when i feel like stressing myself out about non important things: [YouTube video, 'I've No More F*ck* to Give', channel Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq.]
  7. Like most of my plans, this one kinda failed. Not completely. Im back on social media, i wasted the days since wednesday. But i did start writing on paper the problems i see in my life (like attention seeking) and for each one i am trying to write down solutions. Because when u look at it like that, like its math, write down problems and write down solutions, it all seems so easy. But in reality it is not. Anyway i decided i will write down all problems i see in my life as far as mental health goes and i will write solutions and also some simple steps. For instance that validation i seek and the want to be in the center of attention all the time and feeling bad and down when i am not, well i will simply write down, that i should stop being in the center of attention and just try to enjoy the moment. This was a very simple example but u know what im trying to say.
  8. This will be my last post on social media or forum, then i will take a break from it. The reason i choose this forum out of all is that this is probably the best place to share this with people who understand pain and maybe my condition. Today i felt bad, as i feel bad most of the days. But i keep up my routine, go to work, where ppl are mean to me, then work at home, do bunch of hobbies, kind of ignore my depression and just keep pushing. As i sometimes do, i took some sedatives after work to get me into a better mood, i took the wrong ones and they brought me even more down. Then there was a trigger (to make a long story short, someone for whom i trully belived was a good person and for that reason forgave that person something they did, but today i found out that this person was not a good person, not even close). So my first reaction was, as it usualy is with me, huge agression and thoughts about harming someone (someone other than me for a change). After a while, my body got tired and that sedatives finaly did some good and opened my eyes to some thoughts ... some thought that i briefly had many times lately, but i never really paid attention to them, because it was easier to ignore them than to confront them. And that is, that among many problems coming from my childhood, probably my main problem is, the constant need for validation from others and being the best or 1 of the best at everything (was taught, not on purpose probably, by my family at very young age of about 5, that it only matters if you are good or the best at something, otherwise its not worth it at all ). My friend, who is not a mental ilness expert by degree, saw that in me in the first 5 minutes that we met for the first time, no doctor so far could come close to that. Basicaly he said to me, u matter to me as a human person, not because u are good at this and that and that, all this dont matter to me. U, as a person, are worth something just because you are. And he said, this, you have to tell yourself and start acting like that, feeling that u are worth something without other ppl saying wow, look how good he is at that. So my next step was to go through all my activities that i have done in the last, lets say 13 years. But maybe 13 years ago it wasnt as bad as it is now, actualy it was a lot less bad. Maybe the last 8 years its terrible. So like i said i went over all the things i do in life. Playing a music instrument and posting videos of it on youtube and other social media. Training a fighting sport. Weight lifting. Going to a really hard college. Inventing things and assembling them. Growing plants. I even got an animal companion and when i really think of it deep down, i feel as again, i did it because it is unusual animal and will get me an attention. When i think of my current job and my paycheck, i never think about like, ok, i have bad paycheck so i wont have much money and wont be able to buy things. No, i always think only how i compare to others. I want to climb hierarchy and i want high paycheck only to brag. Because otherwise i spend very little, live really humble life and have no need for a huge paycheck. Girlfriends. I had a girlfriend who loved me and treated me really well. Why i stopped dating her ? Because i felt that she wasnt good looking enough and it would be great to have a better looking gf so other ppl on the street would go wow, look how pretty his gf is. I was hiking in last years. So many ppl go hiking because of beautiful nature and to feel good exercising. I went so i could brag how fast i could go on top of the mountain or look at how high of a mountain i was. Even a simple thing like playing a video game, i pick really hard games and add extra challenges to them. Not because i love frustrating challenges but because when i accomplish them i can feel special and brag about it. There are even more examples same as this, but i think u got the point. I had to much attention as a child because of music instrument at which i was very good. Its not healty for a 5 year old to have 300 adults bowing down to him, its just not. Anyway all those things that i wrote down, my activities, basicaly i did all of them not because i felt good doing them, but because i knew i was good at them or at least they were special by nature, like fighting sport, and i knew ppl will go wow. I know its natural to want validation from others to a degree. But when i post my activity on social media i look at likes and when there is a lot of them it is like a drug to me, i get high on it. And when i feel there is not enough wows and likes, i get really really down, it crushes my world basicaly. I even did something, for the first time in my life, donated some money to the needy cause. And what was the reason ? A girl i kind of liked asked ppl on social media to do that and i only did this so i could post it there and get attention, be special, i didnt even for a second think about the child and that his life depended on this money. I am ashamed of that deeply, because i see myself as a good moral person, but this is horrible example of how it felt more important to me to get validation, be special, more important that life of a child who is i dont know, 5 years old ? I had moments like this in the past year, when i really had kind of a nervous breakdown and said, i need to change something in my life, basicly my thinking. But then i went to sleep and next day was back to the usual. I am afraid it will happen again, but i really need to use this moment to spend time alone in my apartment, i turned off my gmail, my facebook and my phone. I need to stop constantly doing something and just sit down and think about where this ilness is coming from and that it leads to a disaster. Because i will never, never be the best at everything. Its not possible. I could be best at 1 thing maybe, but no one can be the best in everything. And u can never be happy this way, if nothing else, with years you get older and younger ppl will be better than you at things, its the natural order of things. I send mail to work that im sick and wont be coming to work. Infact, i might even quit this job because i have other income that is enough for my basic needs and this job is making me unhappy, i feel unwelcome there and i think everyone is mean to me. Maybe i am just kind of weak but even at work i always try to be something special, as often as i can, i try to be included in conversation and try to brag about something i did or something i know. Might be the reason they really dont like me that much. I have until monday to decide what is what and what to do, i think it would be best for me if i had my phone turned on, wouldnt go to facebook or gmail, at least until monday or until i try and figure something out. Because this is something i have to deal with myself. Might be that i finaly got a breakthrough because for the last 13 years i didnt know why i was depressed, and most of it now because everything in my life seems super, job, apartment, friends, the only thing missing is a girlfriend and that is also a big part of my pain, but not nearly as big as what i just wrote about. I think i need to sit down and in my mind come to a realisation that i can either continue to live like this, spend a fortune on a sports car just so ppl on facebook will go wow, what a monster of a car you have. Or i can lose my health trying to get that big paycheck just so i can brag about it. Or ... i can somehow tell myself that i, as a person, have worth. Not because of my car or my fighting skills, not because of the size of my paycheck or how hot my girlfriend is. This reminds me of a friend who has a gf but apart from that he has nothing. He is not the prettiest person around and i am not trying to be mean, he has a crappy low paying job where he is at the complete bottom of hierarchy, he is not good at anything, has no hobbies, very little friends, very little money. But he is happy. I never seen him unhappy. He lost both his parents at very young age, but he is always smiling and he is happy and when i ask him how and why, he just says, thats the way i am and then sings the song: always look on the bright side of life. So to continue, what i will try to do in the next days is, convince myself that i am worth as i am. Worthy of love. Worthy of respect. Not that trying to improve yourself is bad, not at all, being good at something is good. But you have to do that becuase U love doing that and you feel good about improving and getting better. Not because you want other ppl to say wow. And sadly, i went through every single activity i did in the last 10 years, every single one, i didnt leave even 1 out. And when i asked myself why do i do that, the answer was so clear as nothing in my life. I do it to be special, to get validation, confirmation, to get likes and wows. I am sorry but i couldnt say this with fewer words and that is the best way i can put it. I will occasionaly check for your replies.And instead of feeling sorry for myself and saying all will be well, i would like some input on what u feel about what i just wrote. Am i doing the right thing to confront this pain i hold ? This need for validation ? Is this the best path to maybe finaly be happy one day. How is this disorder i have called. Attention whore would be a not so nice slang, i am sure there is a medical term for it, it would help me if i knew it so i could read more about it. Thank you for reading all this, good mental health to all of us.
  9. I will get an appointment, but i would still like to hear your opinion and how you cope with it, etc.
  10. Hey, My mom told me a couple of times: "be careful. You dont have manic depression but you are a bit bipolar with that manic phase". Till now i always said that this is ridiculous. I read about bipolar and some things i just don't have. First of all i have long phases of depressions with very little good days, in last 10 years i mostly felt not good and last 2 years 99% of time i was depressed. And second in last 10 years i barely spent any money, i go to extremes in saving money, at one point when i bought coffe from machine, i took the cup home with me to reuse it. This kind of lifestyle and work, i was able to save quite a lot of money. I do have a plan to use it for a sports car, which isn't the smartest investment. But it will not negatively affect my life otherwise and i wouldn't say that any person buying a sports car has a manic depression. Then a couple of days ago my friend told me, maybe you have hypomania, correctly called bipolar 2. So i look back at my life last 10 years and i was never really just fine. When i was in a relationship i had phases of feeling ultra good, when i felt i was a super catch and my gf wasn't good enough for me (ended the relationship because of those thoughts, even though i cared deeply about her), then i had phases when i thought no one would ever want me and used her to comfort me. It was easier for me back then to have someone to comfort me, but in those manic phases i was a really bad boyfriend. This brings me to today. As i said in last 2 years i barely had any good days but when i do i feel very hyper, adrenaline kicking, thoughts racing. And last week was basicaly the moment when i said wow, i might just have bipolar 2. I felt full of energy the whole week. For those who havent read my other topics, i just started a new job, am very unsure of my ability, not sure i deserve a pay, not sure if i will learn things fast enough. Well, last week i got this huge surge of energy when i started making plans to get a bettter job. Not right away, i planed to do it in 1 year. Basicaly i made a plan to work and besides work, study hard for the new job and in 1 year when my contract with this job ends, i would switch. But what is amazing ... while today i felt very bad at this job and had the feeling that i couldnt handle anything that im not smart enough, last week i felt like i could handle even the harder better paid job, i felt like i could easily handle it, that i have to just keep at it and i can do it. I felt amazing, i basicaly came home from work and continued working and actualy did it instead of doing the usual things i do to relax like play a computer game. I opened a game and after a few seconds said like, no way, i WANT to study and improve myself. Also i was super hyper about the car i want to buy, felt like after all of those years saving money, i would finaly do something for me, buy what i want/like. Saturday, sunday, monday and today was back to bitter reality. I feel like i cant handle anything, i am nervous, i am just waiting for them to say to me at work that sadly it isnt working out because i am not smart enough and that i am fired. When i try to do some studying outside work, i cant get my thoughts together, i cant seem to be able to do anything, every little thing seems so hard. And suicide thoughts ofcourse, like always in depressing phase. This bipolar 2 is making me sad because now i feel like no matter how i feel, i cannot trust my feelings and that reality is different. When i am manic i feel like i shouldnt be happy because i see things overly positive and unreal. And when i am depressed i know that things are not as grim as they seem. I just want to feel normal and can't seem to do it. Anyway, does this look like bipolar 2 to you ? How do you cope with it ? If this is indeed bipolar 2, all i can say is, i wish i had more manic days because i am just tired of depressed days.
  11. When i look back at those 30 years i dont know how i survived nor why i keep at it. But yeah if nothing else, i could be proud of sorta keeping my shit together, going to work, without ppl knowing of all the battles i fight. Just wish for 1 day i could be as normal as most of the people. To just sit outside on a coffe and say, well, today is a pretty normal days where i dont have strong feelings one way or the other.
  12. Mixed update. I am doing good on job, learning fast, helping coworkers with some simpler tasks. Not nervous much about the job. But i have 2 problems: 1) my back pain is really bad, basicly i am suffering those 8 hours 2) something strange. Occasionaly when i am standing still, i feel like i am in an elevator and it just stoped. Lately when i stand up i feel virtigo, even though my blood pressure is normal. But now this occasional feeling thats similar to being in an elevator and elevator stops, it scares me. And i dont know what it is. Lately also i have trouble speaking at time, or most of the time. So i speak much slower, its like my neck muscles do not work properly and i have to really work hard to utter those words. I am thinking whether it is time to visit a doctor
  13. Thank you for your support, and i agree with what you said. Its basicly i know all that already, but i just cant force myself to think like that. I would like to say that my bosses and coworkers are awesome so far. Very supportive, help me with everything, lots of laughing, etc. Its also easier for me because they said i wont do anything series with clients for half a year and i asked when do they expect me to become a productive part of the team and they said at least half a year. So its easier knowing i have time to learn and dont have to be under pressure that they will expect me to know things in week or 2. I learned a lot in this week and if i continue this way, in few months i will be very good at this job i think.
  14. Thank you for your reply, your words inspire me. Today was my 7th day. My back really hurt today. It always hurts but today it really really hurt badly so it was hellish. But beyond my back pain, i am getting used to the job. In a few days it will be tough because 1 of the coworkers will leave this job and i will have to do some things that he used to do till now. And i am not sure i know how to do them yet. But i will do my best, this is the best i can do anyway. And if its not enough, well thats not in my hands so i wont worry to much about it. I also wrote some sentences on a piece of paper and taped them at home near my pc screen so i always look at them before i go to work and before i go to sleep. I wrote this: 1) everything is going to be ok 2) its not your job to figure out where in your job you will be usefull (what will you do, how will you contribute, your boss has to decide that) 3) my own pace (meaning while obviously i try my best, i have my limits and cannot do better than trying my best) 4) the pressure is not on me (company took me in, invested money and resources in me. I think they should worry more than me about whether i will leave them, etc.) 5) worst case scenario is experience and 7000 dollars (meaning if me doing my best isnt enough and i get fired after 6 months, i still earned some money and got priceless experience) I would like to state that this in no way means i am a lazy worker. I belive that if you get paid, you should do your job. Its not the question of choice for me though, the question is if my best is good enough. Anyway this sentences really helped me, and ofcourse you writing. I will keep fighting !
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