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Sentinel2

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  1. Well its even worse than i thought. Remember i wrote a few hours ago that i got a surge to do something because it is really important to make space for tomorrow ? Well, writing what i did in my last post was enough time for my mood and energy to drop to the point where i literaly went to bed to lie down and maybe nap. So i was there, thought a bit about how it would be best to make space and after a few minutes i got up and did make the space, cleaned a lot, did really great work. I felt awesome, almost euphoric. And then i said ok, i will sit down now and since i got 2-3 hours more, i can do a lot more good stuff, i felt great. Well few minutes of sitting down and i am again good enough to take a nap. While obviously it probably at least in some part is depression, i would also like to see the effect of antidepressant and sleeping pill on me. Sadly, i kind of need those pills, its not really smart to stop taking either one. And without that, its hard to test the effect of each.
  2. This is amazing, its exactly how i feel ! On days when i have to do something right away when i wake up, i don't really have a problem. Because i have a purpose, i know that something needs to be done whatsoever, its like i have no choice. So i automaticaly get it into gear and do what needs to be done. But sadly, mostly i pick my work. I know what needs to be done but i can do it any part of the day or any part of the week. And when i wake up, knowing that i can pick any task i want and even pick no task ... that just sends me south as you said. It's not even sleepiness only ... the stronger and bigger problem is mood drop .. like i have it on paper, tasks i need to do. I write them everyday before i go to sleep and at that time, they make lots of sense and i feel like i cant wait to wake up to do them. But when i wake up i feel like ... why bother, whats the point. And after a while i just go to bed to lie there for a while and think my next action, which as it turns out is usualy falling asleep for an hour or 2. But till now that usualy solved my day, i woke up and started running around. But not anymore, now im full zombie mode all day. Its funny ... i had 2 naps today and now drank coffe and i felt like i wanna go back to sleep. But i remembered that tomorrow when i wake up, i get some things that take lots of space and i need to make space in my apartment. I swear i felt the surge of energy getting into me and i said, lets go do this task. I just ran here to write to you that it happened and i feel sleepy again, so i need to go clean the space now. Really wierd but happy im not the only one !
  3. Thank you for all inputs ... as for me ... This is getting ridiculous. I don't know if i was always like that .. i remember that during college i had trouble staying awake but back then it was logic - waking up and getting behind a book, everyone would get sleepy. But i remember i mostly did stay awake because i knew i didnt have time to go to sleep. Now my work allows me so much freedom i can take a day or 2 off anytime i wan't. And i fear i simply know that internaly and when my mood drops i just go take a nap. Its so bad i even thought of covid, only i have absolutely no other simptoms and know this isnt happening only for the last month or so.
  4. The thing is, due to me having problems falling asleep at night, i was prescribed 5mg Olanzapine - its side effect is that its really easy to fall asleep. I think i sleep well, i rarely wake up and even if i do, i fall back asleep very fast. So right now i take 5mg Olanzapine and 375mg Venlafaksin before sleep. I guess the pills could be making me sleepy but well, without olanzapine i wouldn't be able to sleep till 5 or 6am and without venlafksin, who knows how i would feel. So today it happened again, infact its happening everyday for the last god knows how many days. When i sit down from work to get some break, i get tired and lose motivation. I know things i need to do but i think like, why bother, its like my blood sugar, blood pressure, heart beat and will to live drop at the same time. So today i couldn't fall asleep due to too much coffe, but i was in bed "napping" for about 1 hour and in this time, i made some plans in my mind and suddenly i got the motivation back, woke up and started doing things around the house. I mean, i could live with 1 hour "wasted" everyday but i would be even happier without it. I am trying to remember if i was always like this - needing a nap. I remember that 10 years ago i never used an alarm clock, slept till 2 or 3pm ... and simply went to sleep at 5 am. I was able to do that due to different job.
  5. Hey, i noticed something that i thought was interesting. Let's say i wake up at 11:00 am and it makes no difference whether i slept 7, 8 or 10 hours. I start my day the usual way, by working on my business. I feel motivated, feel a good drive, etc. But then in anywhere between 1 hour or several hours, something strange happens. I become tired/sleepy, but not only that, i completely lose motivation and my mood drops to an absolute minimum. Now i wouldn't mention it if it was just being sleepy/tired because most people feel that during the day, but i am really interested why it completely changes the mood and makes motivation completely dissapear. For instance, if at 1 pm i really felt awesome about things i was doing ... at 2 pm nothing matters and everything on my to do list for that day suddenly is like, eh, why bother. Now i know this is the usual depression where nothing in life is worth it and you are there like, whats the point. But usualy this doesn't happen in a matter of minutes or hours, like, at 1 pm life was wonderful and at 2 pm its terrible. I am surprised it took me this long to realise this, but i am pretty sure i was like this for a long time. The way i tacle it now is that simply when i feel this terrible feeling, i simply go to bed and try to take a nap and then try to not feel guilty about it. When i wake up after a nap, mostly i feel quite ok again - i have drive, motivation, etc. I would really like to figure out how and why it happens. Is it something that happens in my body (like blood sugar drop, heart beat rate drop, blood pressure drop, etc.) or is it purely in my mind ? As for pills, i take 375mg alventa (right now before sleep but tried also when i wake up, makes no difference) and 5mg zyprexa for sleep. I hope you can help me shed some light on this and more importantly, try to fight this, because if i didn't have to take this nap, i could use it to do some more useful work.
  6. Thank you for your reply, i will keep this topic to post how the progress goes in the future months. I will share things that really help me also, maybe they will help someone else also. And you are all welcome to share your thoughts on what i wrote, maybe add what helps or helped you, etc. I went through a lot of doctors and while i have nothing bad to say about them and their help, i wish they told me some of the things i had to find out myself. I am a human like everyone else, so if they helped me, there is a good chance they would help someone else too. Probably the most important thing i would love to hear 15 years ago is ... battle your negative thoughts, actively fight with them. Do not just accept what they tell you and feel sorry for yourself, battle them, 1 by 1. If necesary battle them out loud, even if your neighbours think you lost your mind. We dont think about it that way but to me, negative thoughts are exactly the same as if there was someone in the room with us telling them 24/7. Can you imagine having someone next to you, saying 24/7 to you that you are dumb and ugly. Would you be able to be happy and calm listening to this 24/7 ? To me negative thoughts are exactly like this. Battle your negative thoughts.
  7. I made a big transformation for the better in 2020 and i decided to share my progress in the hopes it will help someone get motivated to do the same, if not, it will serve as a timebox for me to check in a few years and see how far i have come. The transformation happened over the last 8 months and is still work in progress. As for my background, i am over 30, college educated, been fighting depression and anxiety for over 15 years now. Depression is still here, probably in full power, but now i have the tools to fight it. Imagine depression being a horrible beast and me being its victim, unarmed. Well, the depression is still a horrible beast, but now i have a shield to block its attacks and i have got a huge mace to crack the skull of the beast when needed. It's only been a few months of me feeling better but i haven't felt good for more than a few days in the last 10 years and that leads me to belive i am on the right path. I will write down the key points and changes i made. 1) College and a Job I went to a hard college, when i started i was full of confidence but as it was hard and i felt i had more trouble with it than some schoolmates, i started losing faith in my abilities. In time i even kept telling my schoolmates that i was dumb, like, "i wish i was as smart as you so it would be so easy for me". Saying it over and over out loud, i completely lost all confidence in my ability - i convinced myself that i was the dumbest person around. Even finishing this college didn't change a thing, my confidence was blown. When i finished college i was convinced that i am not smart enough to do the job i studied for, the reason being a combination of me not being smart and ofcourse my depression and anxiety problems which make everything so much harder. I went looking for my first job after college, tried at 3 elite companies that only hire the best of the best. I was rejected and really took it to my heart. So when the oportunity came for a job that paid a lot less and wasn't really in the field of what i studied, i took the job without a second thought. For a while i really felt good, felt that i finaly acomplished something. But as the weeks went by, i realised that the job is completely meaningless, i hate doing what i do, i am not doing any good doing this job, it isn't helping anyone, its making me miserable and all the money i earn will not buy me health nor happiness. I remember this time as being very anxious and afraid all the time, 1 of my coworkers was a real mean asshole, 1 was sometimes ok, sometimes asshole and 1 of them was ok but just very strict. I felt like being a child again having a strict father and i hated it. One time i would stand from my chair and go to the window for a walk. We were in 8th floor. And i was looking down the window and a thought came into my head - is 8th floor high enough that if a person would jump out of it, he would die ? I nodded and went back to the chair. And i thought to myself .. if this job is making me think about whether i would survive jumping out the window ... what am i doing with my life ? I went back to the chair and played on my headphones the song "i have no more f*cks to give". Something snapped in me and i decided i do not give a f*ck anymore. I took the next day off without consulting anyone, i just sent the mail to my boss that i did all the work and that i have days off i have to burn so im taking the day off. When i came to work on monday, i opened jobs mail and saw the mail from my boss. My blood froze, even before opening it i knew what it was. The boss just said that it wasn't ok taking the day off like this without talking to him and also that my coworkers said i am not listening to their orders so we have to talk about that. When i read that last line, that was the last straw. Why ? Because for months i did every single thing they asked from me. Dont get me wrong ... it was the right thing to do, i was paid to do a job and i did it. But hearing that coworkers said i am not listening to orders .. a lie and coming from assholes ... i took a sedative to calm down and when i came home i sent my resignation. I didnt know for a while what i will do .. family wasn't supportive of my decision obviously .. but for the next week i felt awesome. I didnt have the anxiety anymore knowing that i dont have to go to that mean hostile environment. But soon my mood went down, so i decided i need to find a new income. Since i didnt really feel confident to apply for a full time job since i was a wreck, i instead decided i wanna be a private teacher again, at my home, like i was during my college to earn money for food and clothes. Apart from that i also picked a few other incomes, sort of a private business, combining all the things that i know. It wasn't as much as i earned at that job, but it was enough to pay the bills and food and i didnt have need for anything else, i just wanted peace. This private business also gave me a lot of free time to work on my dream, something that would not only improve lifes of many but also save lifes. That is, if i succeed in this dream. If not, at least i will know i did my best, i tried, gave it my best shot. No regrets. This is the path i now walk, earn my living and work as much as i can on this "thing". Now that i had steady income and was happy doing what i was doing, i had to battle doubts in me related to society and family. In my country, there is a rule that you have to have a 9 to 5 job that you hate, so you have something to talk on family dinners. And people kind of look down on people like me but at the same time they are jellous because i am my own master, i have no boss and i am free. For the next few months i was battling this inner doubt that was telling me that i am failure for not doing what society expects from me and only about 2 months ago i finaly won - i convinced myself that it is my life, my path and as long as i am taking care of myself financialy, everyone in the world who has a problem with how i earn my money can kiss my ass. And i am proud of the way i earn money doing a good thing helping others .. and i keep telling this to myself everyday. So now i didnt have to live under this constant burden of what others think about me and what society and family thinks i should do ... i am doing it my way. This was part 1 of my transformation, small but very important one. 2) Tackle the Beast Living with the depression so long and tried every single medication possible .. sooner or later you have to come to terms that 1 way or the other, in some form, you will have to live with this beast called depression. There will be better times, there will be worse times, but you cannot simply expect that one day you will wake up and it will be gone by itself. So instead of running from it and hoping it will just disapear, i decided to take it head on. I was just so tired of being a prey, i couldn't run anymore, i was doing it for 15 years and it didnt help. So i gave the depression sort of a materialistic form, form of a beast. So now i taunt it, i tacle it and i make fun of it. I have big issues with negative thoughts, i have been having them 24/7 for all this years. So now instead of just letting them push me deeper and deeper into sh*t, i fight them, 1 at a time. I already mentioned the one about the job and society. When i have a thought like that, i instantly counter it with a thought "it is my life and it is my decision". Sometimes i even say it out loud in a really mean agressive manner, like i was really defending myself from some living being and telling it to go f*ck itself. Job is only 1 instance, there are infinite areas where i have negative thoughts. But i fight them. I can give you a few examples. As i have a private business of sorts, i choose when i work. I can wake up late and simply start working when i wake up and finish the work at night. That means the next day i might wake up late ... and i used to feel such guilt over that ... if i woke up at say, 12:00 or even 13:00 .. i would have terrible guilt. When i get that thought i just counter it by saying, i earn my living and i wake up when i want, period. I have very vivid dreams so even if i go to sleep early, after 8 hours i might wake up and i would be completely off and i know the only solution is to get an extra 1 hour of sleep. When guilt comes, i simply say, f*ck off. And it ends there. I am an average looking guy and i used to have so much negative thought as to some people are so much prettier. Now again, i catch that thought and first say that i am not building my confidence on something that i have no effect on, i am what my mom and dad made me, or god, or nature or whoever. This is who i am and i love myself. And if anyone doesn't, well, then there is an f word that comes handy. This is part 2 of my transformation but is by far the most important. When i started stopping those 24/7 negative thoughts, i actualy got a break so i could actualy work on improving things. Until you stop the negative thoughts, you are a prisoner of your own mind and can never be free. 3) Relationships I had 2 short relationships and 1 long one in my life. In all of them i was a bad boyfriend, i have no problem admiting that, its a fact. I am not a family man, i am kind of a lone wolf, i like to do my thing and do not like things that chain me down. Most people arent that way, but i am. Over the years i kept stressing about finding the right girl and felt bad about being alone. The girls that liked me, i didnt like them and the ones i liked, they didnt like me. And when looking for a girl, i found out i was looking for something society will like - i was thinking about how people will turn heads when i walk by with my girl and they will say, wow, shes really pretty. So i was looking for a girl for other people, not for myself. I even made a tinder account in this desperate attempts. Think about degrading yourself ... you pick your best picture, write a few cheesy lines and then sit back, hoping some girl will come by and say eh, he looks like a sorry individual, lets do some charity work and give him a chance. I am not saying anything is wrong with tinder, its wonderful for many people who found their match, including my best friend. But for me it just added to the pain because the girls who liked me again, i didnt like them. And the pretty model ones i liked, they didnt like me back. I forgot about tinder for a few months going through this process and only a few days ago i remembered i still have it. I opened the app with a huge confidence and deleted it and decided i will never degrade myself again to a point where i am a picture that other people can swipe through, like i am an item on a shelf. I decided i do not want to have children, partly out of fear that i will repeat mistakes of my parents but also because i simply want to follow my dream and that takes my whole self and it isnt decent to have a child that you will be able to devote only part of your attention. As for having a gf ... i am not looking and i actualy feel happy the way i am now. If i ever meet THE right girl, there is nothing i can do, love is stronger than anything. But until then, i am not thinking about it, i am not wishing for it and i am not stressing about it. I am happy just the way i am, where i am, right now. 4) Confidence and sports I was bullied a lot when i was younger. I was small and skinny and had a loud mouth. A very bad combination. I was beat a lot, but more importantly, humiliated, knowing i am not strong enough to do anything if anyone attacks me. I am older now, above average height and strength, i am not in danger from anyone and more importantly, i am educated and do not have to prove my point fighting. But that weak kid in me is still very much alive. This part wasnt much of a transformation ... ever since i was 18 years old, i started being quite badass - not in a sense that i was a bully or anything but i simply wasn't afraid to take my stance and i would not back down. I decided to work on this more because for me, being a victim simply doesn't work. I know many people who are "tree huggers" and it is completely fine, it works for them. But it simply doesn't for me. I simply have to be a tough guy, as silly as it sounds. I have to have kind of a mean look that harness respect, even if it is fake respect. I do good deeds on a daily basis but i am not afriad to get into an argument if someone is trying to use me or put me down, i do not back down. I did lots of sports in my life but in the last years, less and less. And my physical condition is not as good as it was, far from it. So i decided i will take small steps to get back into a good shape. I started by running every second day. In a few weeks i will very slowly include other exercises. The effect of exercising on my mental well being is just giant. The problem is, its hard to push urself to go training when ur down. So i just use powerful motivational songs and say to myself lets go champ. Today i went running even though it was almost 1 am when i came home and it was raining. No f*cks given, i put on my running shoes with holes in them, put on headphones, put on my hoodie to feel extra badass and went running. I have a new moto and that is "No Fear". I keep writing it on different places and i intend to write it also on a very special place. I was afraid for to long. Afraid of what people think, afraid of failure, afraid of everything. I decided i will be afraid no more. Life is short and when you die, no shame matters. No failure matters. its a zero sum game, you are born and you die. Everything is forgotten. I decided i will not be afraid. 5) Pick your Battles This doesn't really have much to do with depression but its more of a general push for the better. I have really short nerves. Everyone in my family does. I used to get pissed off at everything, humans or material things alike. It takes away your energy. Don't get me wrong, i still lose my cool fast if there is a real reason but if there isn't, i try to keep it cool. I will give you a good example. There was a guy trying to rip of one of my elderly neighbours, offering something for 10 times the real price. If i was there i would drag the guy from our property by his hair if need be, without even blinking. That is a very good reason to battle someone and get mad. But i used to get mad at silly things. Like my computer would lock up and i would yell and bang my table. Well what good is that going to do, apart from either breaking the table or your hand ? So i just take a deep breathe, press the reset button and feel like mahatma gandhi sitting there waiting for my computer to boot. The other day i would prepare myself a treat i eat every single day. After a hard work i would sit on my chair, ready to annihilate that sweet thing. Well, somehow i wasn't careful and the thing flew in the air. I was lucky enough to catch the plate in mid air. Sadly all the contents ended on my shirt. That is 3 types of ice cream, blueberries and a sweet cream. So as i was holding the empty plate and saw that its used to be contents were dripping down my nice shirt, ready to explode any second ... again, i just took a deep breath and said to myself, "no f*cks given". I leaned forward to get all the content back into the plate, used a spoon to gather what i could from my shirt. And then i enjoyed my treat like nothing happened, again, looking like mahatma gandhi. Life is to short to waste strength over things that aren't important. Save that energy for important battles, like kicking that monster of a person of your property. 6) General attitude I heard somewhere that if you say something out loud, you make it 1000 times worse. I used to do this all the time. When talking to friends, i would keep saying how bad i feel, maybe to remind myself of how bad i feel or maybe for them to feel sorry for me. Telling your close ones how you feel is good. But saying it over and over every single time is not good. First, that is the easiest way to push people away. And second ... you feel bad and you keep reminding yourself that you feel bad. Well how the f*ck is that supposed to make you feel better ? It wont. So everytime i have a need to talk to someone about how screwy i feel, i simply do not do it. When people ask me how i feel ... if i feel ok i say great. If i feel bad, i say im working my ass off and im pissed off. I don't say depressed, i say pissed off, because when i feel bad it actualy pisses me off. Ever since my transformation, i didnt click even a single person and started the sentence saying "god, i feel so depressed". There were times when i wanted, but i didnt. I also used to talk about how i would like a perfect gf all the time ... how its sad ... i dont do that either. Maybe because i haven't thought about it in months ... i dont know. Ever since i changed my attitude i noticed that people who didnt contact me much, suddenly want my attention. 1 girl even said, r u angry at me ? And i said lol, no. But she thought i was simply because my attitude was so different, i want a clingy child anymore, i was a man. I used to have a lot of regret and i still have some. But i battle it. Sometimes i did something that i know was right, but i might have offended someone. And i felt bad even though i knew i didnt do anything wrong. So i would think about it over and over, getting consumed by guilt ... i dont do that. I just counter it with arguments in my head and it ends there. Sum it up and future plans: First i would like to say i am maybe at 1% of the path. I only started and there is a long way. First of all, i try to be as good of a person as can be, meaning help other people with what i can. Whether it means helping my elderly neighbours, helping my family members, helping my friends, doing it all for free, in my spare time, saving them lots of money, never expecting anything in return, good deed is a an award in itself. Second, i plan to follow that dream of mine until the end, if it works, i will be very happy, if it doesn't, i will know i did my best, no regrets. I plan to fight the always present negative thoughts until they slowly go away. There are so many things i need to change and improve i wont even bother writing them. I see myself as a project - people spend hours a day working on their character in a video game. All good for fun, but imagine if we spent half that time working on ourselves, how great we would be ? I realised life is short and if i want to live a decent life, i simply have to change something - not doing anything didnt help in the past 15 years. I used to doubt myself and my decision so much in my life, but for the past few months i can say i was never so sure about anything as i am about me being on the right path right now. So i can only hope to have the same strength i have now, to keep this up on a daily basis. Because with depression i learned, if you keep your guard down for even a second, it will beat you down if you give it a chance. It really helps me to write short and long term goals down. I even write down daily goals, what i plan to do in a given day. And also i have a big text file on my desktop called "TO DO WHEN TIME". Just to make sure there is never a day when i wake up, sit down and i dont know what to do with myself. That is the best way to start with negative thoughts and you know how your day will be then. I try to work as much as i can because that really makes me feel good, i completely forget about negative thoughts for hours at a time. And i have really been blessed by being able to make money with things i love doing it. Granted, the income is very small right now, only covers the basics like food and bills. But since i am enjoying my work, i do not need more money to buy me things for joy - the job in itself is my joy. So instead of suffering in a well paid job to buy me things i dont need, i instead looked at how i can lower my expenses on things i really dont need nor give me any joy. It would be my greatest joy if what i wrote down, my experience, helped even a single depressed person, help him to gather strength and motivation to do this battle we all do. If not, this will serve as a time box, so i can look back and hopefully by then i will still stick to this plan. If not, it will be a great lesson in humility and back to the drawing board. I wish you all good mental health and lots of strenth.
  8. Well, another day and as always, i feel some regret. Not because i did something wrong, because i didn't, i was completely right to do what i did. I regret not being the stronger and wiser man, i usualy pride myself in being able to take the right decision or action in the right time. I know grandpa isnt at his right mind about those things and usualy i am good at keeping it cool around him. It was basicaly 2 things that completely triggered me. First, i called and said i was coming to fix the thing in the kitchen. I went out of my way and spent hours finding just the right parts for a very cheap price, if he went to the store he would pay 3-4x more. But i did it because i wanted to do something nice for him. And then my grandma called that he is not at home because he went to do some unimportant thing just as i was coming. I just cant stand people not being able to slightly adjust their day routine when u r coming in your free time to help them for free. And second, when i was talking to grandma about her daughter ... he suddenly started talking loud about how important his closets in 1 of our apartments are. I wont go into details but it went along the lines of me saying, are closets more important than your daughter ? And he was still arguing and at that moment i lost it. I cannot stand people give more value to inanimate object than to people, it is completely unacceptable. And it is his only daughter, how can you be such an asshole ? Basicaly what i said is, if u wanna help your daughter, kick the stupid closets out and maybe somehow it can help your daughter. My grandma is renting a place for which she pays every month even though she hasnt been in that place in 3 years and will never be able to go there again. And i said, give away the apartment and u will save tons of money a month and can use them for yourself. And if u dont want the money, u can help pay rent for your daughter. Paying for something u r not using is really dumb. My family has more than 5 apartments/houses no one is using ever. At the same time mom is paying rent in an apartment that isnt hers. This is just insane. In future i will try to keep my cool. But it is hard as i live with this pain every single day, struggling with whether to live or die. I quit my job not because i way lazy - i quit it because i was having severe panic attacks which made me unable to even turn on the computer, let alone do any serious intelectual work. And i simply cannot stay cool watching someone almost laughing at the things he did, things that caused you pain and still do. I cant ever stand injustice, when i see it, it is ******* me and i want to do something about it. Same with bad people, i cant stand watch while they go unpunished. So this is the day after. Nothing will change of course because he is to old and to far gone, besides, the damage is already done. But i ruined 2 of my days just thinking and stressing about it. Maybe i should be like my little brother, oblivious about everything that is going on around him, not caring about anything. It is the wrong thing to do, but he is suffering a lot less in life because of this.
  9. I thank you for your input. Family matters are never easy. Just a few things i forgot to say and you reminded me that they need to be said. Today when i told him what i feel, i was never abusive, yelling or threatening, nor demanding anything. I was emotional so that could be heard and felt. When my grandma asked what i would like from him so that i would again talk with him i said, only apologise. If he apologises i will never ever mention it again. And now that i am calming down, anger is slowly transforming into sadness and guilt. Guilt over my grandma cause i made her feel bad at such high age. But what she is asking from me ... i belive my pain is worth something too and i really dont wanna spend time with someone bad and act like nothing happened. Besides, unlike my mom, who wants my grandpas money and fortune badly, i do not want it. If i did, i wouldnt get into a fight with him years before his death and even if he wanted to give me something, i would not accept it now. All i want is apologise, nothing more. And if he apologises i will forgive him and that will be enough for me. Its not so much the actions of the past that hurt me, is staring into eyes of someone and him feeling no regret whatsoever. i am even wondering if he is capable of it ? He might be just to far gone to even understand it. When i mention anything, he looks to me like what r u talking about ? He really doesn't understand. He might just be to crazy or something. I tell him things that are clear as day and he completely goes into defensive, just like i was saying something completely crazy. When he is not around, all the family agrees on everything i say. But no one tells him anything in his face, they all smile and just take the abuse, justifying it by saying, ah, thats just the way he is. And when i say he is abusive, you wouldnt belive it from someone who is almost 90, but when he yells, the room shakes. Its with such anger and agression ... my mom told me many times ... u know grandpa when he was already old. Can u imagine how it was living with him when he had the same character, but was young, full of power and energy. Horrible, just horrible, dont even know if i can be mad at mom at all ...
  10. Hello, i am in a really emotional state right now, usualy i let it pass but this time i wanted to write some things down and get an opinion to see if i am actualy right - if i have a right to be angry or maybe i should just let it go. Sadly its impossible to explain it without long text, but it will mean a lot if you read it and tell me your opinion. Please. I was at my grandma and grandpa, went to fix something in their kitchen. Sadly just seeing my grandpa brought the worst in me and all my emotions from past things he did got out, wasted 3 hours explaining it to my grandma, ruined my day and hers also. I will describe my family as simple as i can. GRANDPA: Never was in a mental hospital but probably he is the one that should be in a mental institution. He is a great composer, but other than that a very bad person. Got through life yelling at people and being violent. Forcing his beliefs on others and if someone didnt agree he yelled. He forced music onto me from very young age - he keeps saying it was cause he wanted me to be able to do something, but i dont buy it - when i stopped playing the instrument it was like i dont exist for years and he kept bringing it up how i disapointed everyone. All his life he had about 2-3x more paycheck than my grandma, he barely ever got us any present, grandma always did (i am not bringing money into it cause i am not materialistic, just trying to show u that he kept all his money for himself while grandma with 3x less money always felt happy to give something to others). He is 1 of the main reasons my mom is a disaster, i cant even imagine what it would be like to live with that person when he was young and full of energy. He is 88 and he is still always yelling, always putting my grandma down, saying how she ruined everything in her life (which she didnt btw, she kept giving all her life, everyone loves her ..), he has not a single good word to say about his daughter even though she gave him 2 grandchildren, finished college, etc. I firmly belive he is the root of all this. GRANDMA: Trully she is my sunshine. She is the only person in my life who never gave up on me, even when i failed in school and everyone else felt like, its to late for me, she always let me know that she would love it if i finished school, but never gave me the intention she loves me any less if i appear as a failure. Last 20 years i did everything i could to help grandma with anything she asked me, i would come in the middle of the night when she needed something. The problem is she lives with grandpa and she cant live alone anymore, she only walks around the apartment. Grandpa can get out but just barely so we bring him food, while he goes out to bank and postoffice. He is very abusive to her and i feel so sorry for her, almost everytime we talked she said how horrible he is to her. When we thought she will die a few years ago, he was very sorry and appeared sad. But then he kept saying, i need her to stay with me a while longer, i need her to take care of things, take care of me. When i heard that i wanted to punch him. How can you be like that ?? I told her she can come life with me but for some reason she feels sorry for grandpa, even though they are divorced for a long time and he was and is very bad to her, for some reason she feels sorry for him. And when i try to break contact with him, he always keeps saying how sad it makes her feel so everytime i just give up because shes 90 and i love her soo much and i start coming there again. But its just so hard for me, staring into the eyes of my grandpa, seeing as he has no regrets whatsoever and even laughs and makes fun of things that hurt me so much. I feel so trapped - guilt of doing pain to my grandma or suffering the pain looking into grandpas eyes ... MY BIOLOGICAL DAD: left my mom at the altar when i was not even born, she was pregnant with me. Would be nice if he ever said i am sorry but i dont feel much anger towards him: true, he wasnt there, but that for me means he wasnt able to hurt me with his behaviour like others did. Still think what he did is something no real man ever would, but just dont feel anger cause if he was around, it might have been worse for me. I met him for the first time when i was about 21. Ever since then he has been very supportive of me and helping me in anyway he could. It doesn't erase the things he did (or more importantly didnt) but at least he was a good father since i actualy got to meet him. MY STEPFATHER: he is the real dad to me, he was there ever since i was like 2 years old, so apart from me calling him by his name not by dad, hes my real dad. Took care of me, tried to give me a good influence, tried to give me stability but couldnt cause of my mom. The only thing i could be angry at him for is that he used to punish me physicaly a lot. I was a really problematic child, a really really problematic child, in all schools i went i was the worst. I had ADHD and really bad hyperactivity, i couldnt be stil, kept doing problems. So i got punished. I am not mad at him for that cause well, all my friends got punished like that also, it was the normal back then. What i am sad about is that he never beat my brother who was his blood child. And my brother was no better than me, my dad even keeps saying how i was less problematic than my brother (which isnt true btw). But i would just like to know why he never beat him. Is it because he saw that beating me made me a super agressive suicidal person ? Or is it because my brother is his blood child ? Other than that, he was a pillar of stability for me and without him i probably wouldnt be alive. MY MOM: Hard to explain it here. She probably did the most bad to me but is also the victim of grandpa. All her life she wanted to make her father proud and she never got the acknoledgement from him. He is just harsh. And it really hurt her. She was teaching me music instrument just to show her dad that she can do something good. And she did, until 10, i was in all newspapers, winning championships, etc. When i stopped playing she said i let the family down because they thought i will be so famous and earn enough money to support all family. I left home to live with my grandma at 17 because i was suicidal and the place was just a mess. Came back after a year and this time she threw me out saying i was doing a mess playing with my brother (we really did run around the apartment like crazy and she felt she couldnt control us). Only later i found out by that time she was already a sedative pill addict so obviously she couldnt handle things. She had problems with alcohol ever since i can remember, i kept picking her up when she was drunk and i was like 6. There were periods where she would be ok for months, but then she would be drinking for 2 months straight, usualy kicked dad out so it was me and her. That time i felt best cause the pressure was off me, it was just her and she was to drunk to yell at me or say i didnt do this or that. Later years she did some more bad things, like lying about things so they would give her money even though they didnt have to, to my stepfather when they divorced said, u will give me this much money or i will take ur son away at court. And he gave her money. Right now she is a mixed bag. On 1 hand she has enough apartments renting them so she can live freely, but is always out of money because she doesnt know how to do with money. She is a pill addict, went to rehab multiple times, but always came back. She shows some regret for what she did to me, but apologises some things. But i dont feel as angry with her because she is not happy in life - she is a mess. I feel sorry for her, even though what she did, because living under grandpa .. i just cant imagine what that would be like. I only mentioned the people who played some part in my life, others either did only good to me or they didnt play a big enough importantance to affect my mental being. And maybe it is just ok to say something about me. I am over 30, had issues with depression and anxiety ever since i was 18, though wanted to **** myself even earlier but it wasnt like constant depression as in later years. I try to be as good person as i can be, though i am very harsh in the way i talk, similar to my grandpa. But just today i thought about my family and everytime someone asks me for help, i help, and i do it a lot with different things. I finished college, went to job, quit very fast due to panic attacks, now i have a semi legal business of myself, looking for ways to make it fully legal. I live in apartment that belongs to my stepfather - i pay the bills but he doesn't charge me rent, saying that it is out of the question because its normal for parents to help their children and saying that his parents helped him with rent even when he was over 40. I am very thankful to him for that and really help him everytime he asks me for something. I did lots of changes in 2020 and i am really happy with where i am and where i am going, i have lots of goals and feel really great working on them, like my business that will improve peoples lifes further, etc. I also do lots of good to friends when they ask me, never even think about taking the money. I am into technology so u know, i help with everything from computers, gadgets or even if something needs to be fixed or screwed in, like today i helped in the kitchen. Its sad that most people think i am really rude or even evil, just because i mask my pain by playing a tough guy, making jokes of people, etc. But almost every friend i can mention, i helped them a lot in the last year and none helped me. I didnt ask anyone for money for the past 12 years, never expected anything from anyone, completely moved away from money, have no need for it. I am obviously still suffering from depression and anxiety, its holding me back. So its kind of a mixed bag - i am really happy with where i am and where i am going, as long as i keep working. Only when i stop to rest and have time to think, then the pain comes. Anyway today i told my grandpa what i feel, that he is and was a bad person and hasn't changed a bit, still only looks after himself, never ever thinks about anyone other than him. So i feel sorry for telling him that when hes old but all his life he abused people and no one ever stood up to him. He never ever thought to give a small apartment to my mom when she had 2 kids and a family, no, he kept all apartments and houses to himself and when i say a lot i say more than 5, all empty, he went there once a year, while me and my family kept paying high rent. And today i told my grandma the next time i come, i will wait outside so she comes and we will go for a walk or coffe. She always says how sad she is because i am not ok with grandpa but i said today she has no right to do that, because i have a right to not have contact with people who hurt me. I always break when my grandma says that but i plan on staying firm this time. I would like your opinion, do i have the right to do that and am i doing the right thing ? And please, just this once, avoid saying you feel sorry for me or you wished that i got better. Its nice but we all say that. This time i would really like to hear the truth. If you think i am wrong in this, please tell me, it will do me a lot of good and i will think again about whether i am right or wrong. Like i said, the biggest problem is grandma - if she wasnt living with grandpa, there would be no problem. But now if i come and take her out for a coffe, she will make that sad look saying, how sad it makes her that i dont talk to grandpa and than i will feel guilt. Am i right in telling her that it is my decision who i talk to and that she has to respect me and my pain from past. And should i forgive my grandpa just because he is old, even though he is still abusive, uses me for everything he can just to save money (his pension is 1 of 100 biggest in my country btw, he was even in newspaper once where they wrote top 100 pension names). When i was at my lowest and needed his help, it was like i dont exist. And all grandma and grandpa keep telling me, we adore you, we love you and always did. Yes, i dont doubt, i was very much a loved child. But actions are the ones that matter. What do i care if someone says he adores me now that i finished college. I needed people to tell me "keep your head up, we will get through it" when i was failing highschool and was suicidal. Instead everyone kept talking how much i let everyone down and i am a failure. Ok, for those who read all this, thank you for your time and i would really value your input on this matter.
  11. Well i have never been really disciplined. Very hyperactive as a child, still am (which is funny cause my energy level is basicly 0). I compare myself to other obviously and belive i failed in life. I am trying to put my s*it together but feel i am not doing enough. Lately i say to myself that life is so short and i shouldnt be so hard on myself. Then i think of all the wrong choices i made in life but also that even if i did things differently, i doubt it would be much better. I am just really unhappy.
  12. I guess 1 of the reason (apart from college that trully didnt do good to my mental health) is that i compare myself and my deeds to normal people without those issues. For instance, today if looked at objectively, i didnt do anything or enough to "earn my right to live". I woke up, played a game waiting for rain to pass, then got on my bike for a 20 minute drive to my grandma and grandpa. Went to the store there and bought the items my grandma requested. Stayed there for an hour or two, talking, then came home. And then "rewarded" myself with 1 hour series i like to watch. Now looking from the healty persons point of view, i did nothing. Going to the store for old people is not rocket science, its what young people must do because it is a right thing. But starting from when i woke up with thought, why do i live and i dont want to live. Then go outside on wet roads where every thing irritated and annoyed me. Then into the store among the people which i really hate, looking for redicious items. Then going to my grandma and grandpa. Grandma ofcourse a total angel, been all my life, the only person who never quit on me. Grandpa did a lot of bad things in my life, is probably the root of all this s*it i am in. And even though he is old now and asks for help, he is still mean and yells and the way he speaks like he is above us all, every inch of my body is screaming to not help him. And then watching my grandma how she is sad because she feels sorry for him, even though he abused her all her life and still does. And trying to explain to him that he has not been a good person and seeing that he is so much in his world that he doesnt understand it, he actualy belives he is a good guy and did good in his life. So its pointless, he will never understand. So i carefuly steered between not making grandma sad and still doing the just thing telling him that his way is wrong. Giving him an example why my relation with grandma is the way it is and my relation with him is the way it is. It brought all the memories back and knowing that he is a big part of why i have mental issues, it is just impossible to forgive, the pain i am going through, i cannot forget and i cannot forgive. And helping such person is wrong, just wrong and i said the only reason i am helping you is grandma, say thanks to her. Obviously as always, when i came home i had a bad feeling, imagining him all poor, barely walking, talking how he will soon die, etc. But the second we start talking this devil comes out of his mouth. He is just so unbelivably unnice person its hard to even describe. The problem is, he was like this all his life and no one ever told him what kind of asshole he is, so he got so used to it, he sees himself as a good guy. I told my father one time ... i said, i cant belive how grandpa got through life without someone punching him on the face ? Because i have seen people get punched for 100x less. In no way do i support violence but it just crossed my mind. Anyway, back to my day in which i accomplished nothing. A simple task of bringing food to my grandparents was to me so stressfull that when i came home i could barely stand up, i actualy laid down to watch a series because i physicaly couldnt stand up. People do not understand that if you suffer for mental illness, every simple chore can be a huge task. And it is so frustrating trying to compete in this life to people without mental issues. It is like running a marathon against other people, but be the only one with a huge weight in your backpack. No matter what you do, u will never be the same as them. Only lately i have been trying to tell myself this that i have to do things at my own pace and understand that yes, i am ill. And know that my efford counts, how much efford i put into things, how much energy i lose. Even if i accomplish less then others, it doesnt mean i tried any less hard. And that is its own reward. And each day that i didnt put a gun to my mouth and pressed the trigger should be counted as a success.
  13. Just another terrible day and some things i would like to share. Many years ago my life was a wreck, i didnt do anything productive, just wasting it, having fun, playing video games, watching movies and series. I didnt feel 1 bit bad about wasting most of the day for things that didnt matter, i just enjoyed. Then came college and the constant tasks we had, like homework to be done few times a week till midnight, then those tests every week or two. I was constantly running out of time, no matter how i tried, i was doing homework 10 minutes before it had to be sent to college servers, i was studying 1 day before test and i knew if i dont pass it i fail the whole semester. Then the main exams, again the same thing, i was counting down days till main exams, in fear, every hour i wasted, i knew it will hurt my college, everyday i wasted, i knew it. And my grandma who is my dearest person in life, also said, time runs so quick, be careful. She didnt mean to put pressure on me but she did, i told her that. It came so far that i even called her sometimes in the evening, said that i have done lots of work for college and if i can play a game now with no regrets (it was kindof a funny thing i would do, being an adult, joking bout asking my dear grandmas permision but in truth, i actualy felt better her saying i can play a game.). I was a bad student and took many years to pass the college. I was under no pressure as i was doing some light work on the side which earned me enough money to take time in college - there was no pressure from anyone, except the one i made for myself - what will people think if i take this long to pass the college ? Anyway this constant being under time pressure really put a mark on me, i will explain how later. Anyway, near end of college my condition worsened, 1 evening panic attacks returned. Its over 2 years since then but i am still not fully recovered, no panic but bad depression. Anyway back to my life now. Dont have a 8 hour a day job because i couldnt handle the pressure. So i took another path, im my own boss, doing various things, i dont earn much but i earn enough to support myself. And i am not materialistic, i dont need much nor have the need to buy me anything. I probably got this way because i simply had to live like this to survive. But i think it helps me a lot. So finaly came to the point of this post. Why do i not allow myself to have fun even though right now i am under completely no time pressure to do anything. I could lay in the middle of the room for 1 straight week and nothing bad would happen. But everytime i play a video game (used to bring me so much joy, no more), i have terrible feeling that i am wasting time instead of doing something worthwhile. Similar if i watch a movie or series. I simply get nervous like there is something hanging above me, i cannot relax. It took a long time to came where i am, where i can actualy support myself and actualy have the time to do something for myself, even if it means wasting a whole day, to help me heal. Its like i cannot find the right balance. Years back instead of doing school, i would waste whole days and not feel bad. Now i feel bad about video games even if i do all the chores in a day and earn enough money for the day. I have the need for someone in my family to tell me its perfectly alright to waste an hour or so. Its interesting, when im chatting on fb, looking at stupid things, i dont feel like i am wasting time, even though i am. But if i open a game, that somehow links to "enjoing or wasting" in my brain and i get the bad feeling. I got used to it that some days will simply be very bad, no matter what i do. And it would be great if those days, i could just lie in bed and watch a nice tv series and not feel bad about it - take it as a healing of sorts (just like when ur ill u lie in bed with temperature and u dont feel bad about wasting ur time). If it will help, its about 1 year since my last activities in college that had any kind of time pressure effect. My doctor said its common that even though i am no longer under real pressure, that my body just takes a while to get used to it. But its been 1 year, shouldnt i adjust to new life? I hope you understand what i mean. Maybe you have some kind of suggestion or idea for me.
  14. Hello, First of all, i do not plan to do a suicide right now nor promote it in any way. Just to prevent topic being deleted for that reason. Very simple post. I am looking for suicidal people to talk with. The reason is very simple. Only they can understand how i feel. Not all depressed people are suicidal. I know many people that are depressed or were depressed but most of them cannot understand how it feels like when a person no longer wants to live or even wants to do a suicide. I would like to have at least 1 person - friend, that will understand. It would make me feel like i am not alone in feeling like this and maybe we could support each other in hard times. We could stay in contact over this forum or any other media, it's all ok with me. Send me a PM. For anyone who is wondering, im around 30, male, finished college, i have felt like this for 15 years, with a few good years in between. I have a psychiatrist, tried all possible meds and doses, i go to depression talk group, i do sports, got a steady income, nothing endangers me, family loves and supports me, same with friends, while life is not perfect, there is no reason around me that would make me feel this way.
  15. I only recently noticed that i have a huge problem with rumination. Its a bit strange actualy. Lets say i play a musical instrument and feel good. Right away thoughts of scenarios will start playing in my head. Its scenarios where i argue with ppl or ppl try to put me down and i fight it, or maybe i imagine how im arguing with someone about politics, sports, etc. The result is that i get depressed, irritated and my head hurts. I think this is a big part of my problems - i ruminate all the time so i dont get to feel good. I am trying to replace those negative thoughts, like when i get this negative thought, think of something positive (for me is a certain kind of animal, imagining it, or lots of them, etc.). I am looking for some answers. Like, how do i stop this negative thoughts. How and why do they make me feel bad. More insight into this, share your experience, etc.
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