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About anxiousE

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  1. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    I'm feeling very emotional lately. Just wrote a post that in my emotional state I believe nobody is going to read. I'm also second guessing the title, that folks think it's some sort of joke when I'm actually hurting really bad. I went from depressed, to hypomanic to depressed again tonight over the last 2 weeks, and I've been sick from my meds change. (passed out night before last). I realize I'm just whining just to whine. I mean, I'm not personally mad with anyone here, I'm just mad at life, in this moment, and I write angry rants saying I'm mad at everyone...oh great, my brain hurts again now! *sigh* inhale/exhale I really could go on, but I won't.
  2. I apologize. I'm only now seeing this. So as it turns out, this is probably the direction I'm heading (confirmed with therapist). Not sure that she had actually done very much with me on this though, em, or maybe the chore chart I'm doing kindof does this "distress tolerance". Forcing me to be on this uncomfortable and not so natural schedule (although I've tweaked it or had some influence on it, so it's not dramatically different). Anyway yes, this coupled with the "coping mechanisms" I've developed over the years. Unfortunately, my coping mechanisms aren't always the best according to the one/ones I live with/around. Like, I'd prefer to kick or slam doors to relieve tension. Clearly something like this is a bit more commonly UNacceptable. But even singing as a CM, well, this annoys people (now and throughout my life), so when I'm trying to cope, I end up getting triggered all over again. (no wonder I'm so neurotic!). So, clearly I need more work on this, and I might even get a different therapist assigned to me or get my current one to actually try to suggest more, um, "suggestions" of what I can do....or demand more from those around me. I know! I know! I recognize I have the biggest problem here, but sometimes I get un unfair deal....I shouldn't be hammering on when I'm in this state of agitation when I think about these things, but I am trying to recognize this. That's the first step, right?? I mean, I recognize that many times I'm not quite in the right mind, thinking irrationally and spewing hurtful or stupid words (talking about in real life), pressing buttons, because it's just "instinct" or just how I've "coped" for so long. Might have to rethink my coping mechanisms or just add some more so that I have appropriate ones in different situations. Right? Because, it's not so good to start belting a song in the middle of the grocery store. Even if it's better than screaming at my partner, I probably ought to have a better strategy. (Belting a song in a store is just an example though. I've never actually done that one before).
  3. Yeah, I'm not sure either. I have actually had one primary, and then a secondary fave. It just depends who's giving me the most attention at the time. Then when it's all quiet from the current favorite, I go to the secondary, but the primary is still primary, I guess, and I tend to talk about the primary to the secondary. I think when my primary leaves my life, then the next in line comes to primary and sometimes I'll have a secondary. Maybe the secondary is my coping mechanism ?? Right now I'm having to give up a primary (formerly a secondary); and this has made a third friend in line for secondary. I've been able to tone down the third friend though because this one was able to comfort and make me feel secure enough; but if we end up in a stressful situation, I might be promoting her and having issues again. Well, this is what I went to therapy for (well one reason), to prevent these isssues, but I'm still worried. I'm especially worried when I start talking about the current primary, of which I'm really trying to move on from and yet still hanging onto hope. Ughhh! It's only because I feel like this "primary" might be going through what I'm going through (not with me, but in general; a people pleaser and yet black and white remarks as well). *sigh! I feel like it's a real sign of growth for me, but it really sucks that this "primary" is dragging my heart through the mud (not on purpose. probably not even aware or knows what to do!). I really hope I didn't mess up with my "secondary" (tertiary, but teasing even towards primary) just now. Trying to explain my growth might not make sense to someone not actually going through it. *sigh! I hope that at least made sense to you!
  4. that's a good tip! I do try to do that. Unfortunately, for awhile all I had were these few "favorite persons"...or maybe so I thought. Not in the VERY beginning though. Unfortunately, that was a bit of a toxic situation because well, didn't really like the other people and, because they didn't seem to like me gabbing to everyone. Oh, it was just a very bad circumstance. I'm starting to wonder if there's anything wrong with me at all??!! eh hem. Yeah, that's what we all say, right? I dunno. I know I have "issues". Sorry, it's been another rough day. Hope you all are doing ok!
  5. the novelty wore off" that's a good way to look at it. They don't usually know they're just feeding into this "obsession". Yea, so sorry you have to go through this, or did, or do and did. lol sorry, i'm tired from another long day of discussing stuff like this, i'm starting to wind down right now...but, still laughing at myself. Im lucky I'm still in a place I can have a sense of humor about this...nervous about my upcoming psychiatrist appointment though (hence the talk about it today. sortof a dress rehearsal) Anyhoo, thanks for chiming in. :)
  6. I just heard of this concept tonight and it sounds just like me with some of my relationships. From my mother at my youngest age, to other family members, to certain friends, I've developed a special need for attention from and devotion given to certain special people in my life that I've admired and who've also given me the time of day. Sadly, most of these cases I was either left by circumstance or because I ended up overwhelming these people. And as I'm learning more and more, that rejection which fuels more fear of future rejection is kinda hallmark of borderline personality disorder. Right? So, I was just wondering if anyone else has heard of this and/or has experienced this.
  7. this is probably my next route (if they aren't already doing it without telling me so. ha!) Natasha, I'm worried (paranoid) my therapist might be getting me on the hook to depend on her so that I won't be able to survive without therapy. Frankly, I think that might be true right now, whether or not she's trying or not. But, we are resilient beings. And I try not to let myself worry too much, because being without right now terrifies me. :X Proud of you though! Now you can impart your wisdom on us, eh hem, to you know, help yourself process and remind yourself about all of it. Yes?? I'm not sure how it works, if you even can do that, but I had to ask anyway. ;)
  8. Thanks for this. I tried to forget about this for a few days, but the thought entered my mind again tonight and so I've returned. I created a new post in the "Members Needing Extra Attention" (you know the thread, right? because i think I got it slightly wrong. anyway). I created that post the other day and where it stands right now, segues right into your question. I ...I don't know. I was just thinking of making my own thread so as not to bog down on one person. I think you know what I mean. Not that I don't utterly appreciate you and your help, I really do, but that deep down fear of depending on one person again, so to speak. (have you heard of folks with bpd having "favorite persons"? I just heard of this concept tonight on another site. That's so what this was with this person! Anyway,) So, perhaps you can respond over there, if you'd like. I will just quickly say though that i was blocked (before) on the messenger, but not fully blocked. This is so very difficult to talk about. His last parting words though were that he'd friend me again. I had said something to the affect that maybe it's better this way (just be friends through her kinda) to our mutual friend (her), but if I had the opportunity, clearly I would have liked to have spoken to him instead...and now I would. I mean, I don't want to screw things up with our mutual friend...on the other hand, it's very likely that he'd tell her what I'd done. I can't say for sure though. Here's the link to that thread, if you feel like continuing this over there, since I'll likely repeat most of it and will be checking back in on my status. I'm hanging in, but I just don't know what to do. And of course I was a mess the other day, so in saying I don't want to take back the request "because he wins" or whatever, I of course am just like projecting my frustration and I really did want to do this for his sake and for us all to make peace again. I kinda don't want to start disliking him now because I'm upset, because well, that's just not fair to either of us, maybe? I don't know! bleh! link-
  9. He didn't get my message I believe, because it said "recipient not available". I am inclined to believe he is the type to hate confrontation, and particularly because I've had a confrontational past probably more so. This really is devastating for me and all the more of something I need to tell my doctors about this horrible feeling of being rejected. I know I need to move on. The question is how. I know that's not an easy one to do and I think it's just time. But again, I just want to block him so I am not reminded of this anymore, but at the same time, well, that makes me feel like a victim again or that it bothers me that much and I, he doesn't deserve to know that it bothers me so much!! Right? Makes them feel like being manipulated?? I feel like I'm being manipulated here now!! ...Again, I do apologize. It's not you or your words, it's just the sad fact. This sucks! But thank you.
  10. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    ^ I feel that Not quite as extreme behavior, but I'm screaming at anyone who even mildly irritates me, because I'm extremely irritable today. :( So yeah, I'm back, because I'm moody again. *sigh
  11. what happens if you get no response. I'm neither rejected nor accepted. And I know he saw it, well, I don't know, but it's very likely and I know he's been around. It's been how many weeks now? I feel like I need to leave the request, leave it in his court, but how do I stop it from bugging the hell out of me? I'm sure I'd get anxious in the decision if I retract the request, but my instinct just wants to block him I'm so frustrated!! (Sorry to keep stealing this thread, but this may just help the original poster...if my issues are borderline issues, he/she can see how hard it is living this way, or if it's me and my old buddy with issues, maybe him not making a decision, or the decision to do nothing and cause me all this stress and prevent me from getting closure, well, how I or we can cope with this "selfish" behavior. Yes? No? I'm a wreck! Sorry, but thanks for this thread and advice)
  12. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    @babyxgothxx Ok, I can't leave like this... I really hope good things for you. I know we haven't really spoken, but I've seen you around and it hurts me to see you hurting. I wish you nothing but happiness and good feelings. I'm in no place to give advice, but I wish I could give you the words to make it all better, or to at least help a little. All I can say is keep fighting. You're worth it! <3 did I just read a rejected friend request?? I'm waiting to hear about a friend request and that's what has me in knots. But I'm trying to live on the belief that if it's not good for me that's why I'm getting rejected...OR, maybe the person will come around and friend later. I also have to count all the other folks who have friended me in the past and are still around for me. It certainly has not been an easy thing to remember, especially when in the throes of depression, but it's always there, the goodness. We just have to look! Again, I know this isn't always what people want to hear, but it's what we have to do to pick ourselves up. I hope this helps, at least some, because I genuinely care and I can't turn away from this. Best wishes to you! Same advice to anyone suffering who reads this. My heart goes out to you all! <3
  13. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    I'm feeling pretty good today, actually! I just have one thing pending that's kinda still has me on edge,...ok, maybe two things, and so yes, I still have "issues". Those don't just magically go away, but I'm generally in a pretty good place at the moment. I'd like to thank DF for all of your support in this difficult time over the past few months that I've been here (but years of stuff building). I'm sure I'll be around, but I'm back to that place where I ...well, I'm both just trying to enjoy real life and also just a bit restless (??) I had explained this a bit better to my folks the other day, how I might say something like callous because I get a little impatient when I feel, so yeah, I'll probably be a bit quiet for awhile or just be away for awhile,...maybe. I don't know, but that's how I feel tonight. But as I said before, I really appreciate this place and will always have the mental health community in my heart. Take care everyone!! <3
  14. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    I'll think about it. I'll probably share here eventually, or if the option is to make it members only or something. You've performed some of yours (forgive me, I'm not sure what one calls it). I'm debating whether I want to publish any of my stuff. I wonder if I'd not be able to share then on sites like these though. I'd like for a way to get feedback, but I'd like my stuff to be protected too. I asked about your performing because maybe you'd know about stuff like this. I like living in the shadows, but I want what is mine to still be mine, ya know, But also with feedback. Sorry for distressing on yet another forum thread, but my mind is always thinking of the next step. Hehe Always thinking of the next step-good title! (I'll share this one ;) )
  15. creativity-when-depressed-part-two

    Not poetry, but ABOUT my poetry (or "poetry"). Curious if anyone else has ever had this happen ?? i found something I wrote not too long ago, but I completely forgot I had written it. It sounds like my writing, but it sounds foreign at the same time. I had to read it closely to be sure it was my writing. It is, because it's my story. This has happened to me more lately, but generally speaking, it's a pretty new phenomenon. (I tend to remember things I write, especially if it was only a few months ago. This must have been during an episode. Anyway,) Um, well, I would put it here, because I think folks would relate, but I'm just still too in shock by it that I want to wait a few least! Although, I am still a little nervous about sharing poetry/my writings...oh, maybe I'll stick it in my blog, so I at least have a backup. (I like that feature here. Very cool! :))... It's still public though. Hard for me to part with these things, especially when they mean so much to me....oh well. see ya around!