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  1. I got outside and took some snowscene pics. Even if it was only for a few minutes because it was so cold, I did what I set out to do today!
  2. What would you like to buy

    A spinner? I would like one of those, but I don't think they make those here. I would really like to try a weighted blanket. I've been doubling up on my comforters for warmth, but I've noticed that the weight kinda does help me sleep better and I hear weighted blankets are good for anxiety (anxiety was it? Well, it was recommended to me anyway). And now the original owner wants back their comforter, so this might just be the time...but it is still quite the investment and risk if it doesn't work. Hmm
  3. Updates

    I need to update this. So I had a good day in my last therapy session, thinking I had some new goals, but that I'd take a break from therapy until I had some more progress to speak of. Well, all sorts of challenges arose and just as soon as I had made that resolution, I found myself wishing I had made a sooner appointment. Unfortunately she's been booked up all this time anyway, so I am toughing it out until I see my psychiatrist again end of this week. I'm anxious and excited to see where I stand then. I guess this is pretty boring, but I don't really want to go into all the details of those challenges right now. Let's just say I'm trying to overcome them by some silence and distance. But there is one particular challenge that I might just make a separate post for when I can get my mind to form it into words, and that is to do with this lingering anger I have towards some folks, this alternating almost hatred of their actions but also my actions. It's the depression, of which the irony is that the medication is supposed to be helping, BUT that will hopefully adjust by the end of the week. I've tried to deal with all of this, but I fear the folks I live with just don't understand or want to put up with how I cope. Or they try to tell me what to do, not fully understanding that that is what I am trying to do, but it doesn't just happen overnight! The hard thing is they think I should be "over it" (this disappointment that happened to me) by now, and well, I am, except that I am not because I can't fully escape all that is related to it...right?? It's a thing that really requires patience and calm actions and I suppose I'm leashing out at those who don't understand because I fear they mean to rush the process. (Wow! I literally just came to this conclusion as I was writing this out! Cool!) I just want to make one more note about my mind. I feel like I make a realization and then I forget it the next day, or I fear I will, or that it doesn't even matter. Um, yeah, I haven't really thought this through, so my point is just that there is still a lot of cloudiness in my mind and I have to prioritize based on my instinct that I've spoken enough/spent enough time writing this blog post that it's time to end it and move on to the next thing right now. Ttfn! Edit: one more thing. I found some new persons to engage with about ADD/ADHD. Not sure how far that will go, but it's nice to learn more about this wherever I can.
  4. I had planned to cook the chicken "perfectly" this time. It came out a little burned because of unplanned distraction. Kinda negative. But the second thing is more positive. So I intended to step outside for taking beautiful snowscene pics and boosting my mood. Well, I snapped a few, but it was pretty cold so I came in and started storming around. I realized that a brisk walk would help me feel better though, so i did that and have a bit of direction again. (Today anyway)
  5. So, i counted my pill bottles the other day, both 30quantity, both received and started on the same day, but i was short by three(ish) on one of them. Ok, so i was able to get the pharmacy to fix the discrepancy. But then, the next day I counted again, with the addition, and I was still short by two! Now I have been meticulous about taking these, so I figure it has to be a fault of my mind, which is scary, so I've started writing down every time I take them. It's only been two days, but I think it might be working, but it's so frustrating and scary that I'm short for this month and/or that I could be overdosing without knowing it! :/
  6. How Do You Feel Today? #32

    Bad bad bad Angry, irritable, depressed... was looking up for a moment, then I got into yet another verbal fight with a loved one. Now im frustrated and scared and worried again. Boo! :(
  7. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    Suddenly my lack of sleep is catching up with me. I might try to dose off again now, hoping I can, but I might not, so now I'm a little frustrated. (preemptive frustration. is that how my life is now? *sigh*)
  8. Thank you! Yeah, it sure is! So as of now, they are exclusively focusing/treating just my anxiety. Ugh! It's frustrating when you want to get to work on something right away and you've got something else getting in the way. And I'm pretty confident I'm not on exactly the right path just yet, but have to patiently wait this out until something happens. Ugh!
  9. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" (4)

    I feel kinda weird and wary. Starting to take meds for anxiety, to start, possibly other mood or mind stabilizers in the future. The irony of taking drugs like these making me more anxious...but its just a more "wary" anxiety because I'm putting the trust in my doctors and mental health care professionals. Tonight's anxiety will hopefully subside after I take my first dose of the last med and sleep through the night. *fingers crossed, so to speak*
  10. Ok, double blog posts today to catch up (2/2) So, yesterday I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and well, I had the first patient anxiety as well as that from an unexpected trip to the Emergency Room for a family member the night before. Needless to say, I was presenting very anxiously which apparently was clouding the ability to see anything else. So, the diagnosis was to treat that and even though bipolar has not been ruled out, I'm still going to start off with antidepressants. So I've been prescribed a mix of Prozac (AD) and Propanolol (beta blocker) as well as a non habit forming, take as needed, antihistamine (??) for quick anxiety prevention. (Want the name? I still haven't remembered it). Well, I tried the last one last night. Not sure that it really did anything, but maybe it helped later with sleep, and I started the Prozac this morning (of course, understanding this might take awhile to begin showing anything) and I plan to start the beta blocker tonight. I was afraid to start the beta blocker at night because I didn't want to have another middle of the night problem/get at least one good sleep first if i had some adverse side effect to the drug, but tonight is the night and hopefully everything will be fine. So, here's to a new year, to a new year, and let's see if I can figure out who i want to be, with whom I want to be with, and how to achieve it all! Happy New Year (almost)! (Heh, just felt this needed a super ending! :) )
  11. Possibly have ADD

    So, wow! I haven't had a chance to update yet, and I really don't feel I have proper time to do so right now, so suffice it to say, December 20 and 22, therapist and I have been looking into ADD assessing. Still haven't rruled out bipolar. I told some folks I know, in real life and online, and have been supported through this, some of which can see the relevance I am following through on this with a psychiatrist.
  12. Just got back from the therapist and a drive home with my Dad (who probably also has it. Hasn't really suffered from it, but he can now relate to me). Well, I'm spent! But as the title says... so, I'll be back. :) G'nite!
  13. How Do You Feel Today? #32

    this is the thread I was looking for! I've been very "up" today. Not necessarily "happy", although there were moments, but just kindof content with myself...and yet, not at the same time or feeling like it's still not enough because the last time I felt like this, (or last few times?) it was met with negative responses/consequences. hmm But still pretty good! (?)
  14. Losing all friends

    preach! no man, I totally wrote out something of a response, but I'm feeling kinda like a "like", if there was such an option, would suffice. And/or just that what you've said makes so much sense to me. And believe me, I've had to fight my impulses to not "come off strong" sometimes, but if I need to, I will...i think. Might still be anxious about it afterwards, but I'd say it! hehe But you're not alone. And as for myself, I've also been able to calm down from things more and more, so my pain/anger/grief is lessening with time and with "new better people". Yeah, well said!
  15. that's not very reassuring. :/ I don't know. I haven't even been diagnosed yet, but I get a touch of this euphoric feeling, but I've had a LOT of anxiety. And I'm really tired of Mr./Misses Anxiety! grr!