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ProbablyNeedaTherapist

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  1. Almost two years an app called Canid. It was meant to allow people to speak their minds with little to no interruptions and regulations from the AI or Bot that ran the program. While I was in the app, I found myself seeing girls, very average to pretty girls (all white, I will tell you why that is important later,) posting pics of themselves. A lot of the unknown users on that app will say they were pretty or they were this or they were that and some of them were actually really pretty but a lot of them were average looking women, subjectively. I would hardly see black women posting their pics so I thought I would break the tide and crash in with my picture. The picture I used was the picture of me graduating. Granted, I looked trash but I was not expecting people to say I was hideous. I was always told by my parents that I was pretty. I now know they are blind because I am their kid. Parents never mean that objectively. However, that took to be my surprise and I soon developed this habit that I would post face pics of myself and see if people really thought I was ugly. Let me remind you, I was the only black girl doing that. Each time I posted, I would get an onslaught of people calling my face grotesque. I had always had suspicions that the reason I could not find a boyfriend and I still can't is because I am ugly but I never thought grotesque. It soon got so bad that I would post every day just to get my feelings hurt, during this time, I developed this obsession with looking good. I am poor enough that I can't afford makeup an I don't like it, but I would work hard to take the right picture that would capture the right rate of beauty my parents always said I had. But nothing worked. I later realized that a lot of the people were told that my nose was too big and my hair was too his or my skin color was too that. Not all but a lot. It didn't help the guys I wasn't attracted to found me attractive. That's how it started and more and more I find that guys call me ugly all the time online and I don't know what to do. It has become an obsession of sorts, where if I see someone calling me ugly, I would just break down and all the confidence I had tried to build up is useless. I mention the girls were all white because they look at my African features, like the kinky hair and broad nose and say that I am ugly because of that. I don't think am so ugly that I don't think I could find love, but I not so pretty that I can find it. I am just so tired of being alone and depressed and I can't afford to get the help I need. I am hoping you people can help me. BTW, That's me in the pic. *pics removed*
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