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SheWrites

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  1. Thanks to all for your input. I am hoping this lifts so I can try to get on with my life and not screw it up any more than I already have. And I have to figure out how to forgive myself for not doing what I should have been doing. I'm mad at myself for wasting this weekend panicking. I have an appointment on Tuesday with a new primary care physician who has a counselor in her office. Maybe I can get in to see the counselor and start getting this depression/anxiety thing under better control. I have to. I absolutely have to.
  2. I lost my job unexpectedly the Friday before Thanksgiving. I was a contractor, so I didn’t get severance—I just got dropped. My depression really kicked in, and I had trouble just taking care of the basics—feeding myself and my pet, paying my bills, etc. I didn’t feel too guilty about it at first because it was the holidays and no one was posting jobs or hiring anyway. But the holidays are over, and I’m still having trouble coping. I wasted January because of my depression, and I’m well on my way to doing the same in February. I need to find a job, and I need to find one soon or I’ll be homeless. I have no support from friends or family, so no one is going to come to my rescue. Why isn’t that enough to motivate me to work through the depression? Why can’t I get over the guilt at wasting so much time already and do everything I can to not waste any more?
  3. I've had it. I asked that people not tell me to go get a minimum-wage job, and what does Rattler6 do? It may make everyone else feel better if I get a "small" job, but it won't pay my bills. Have you not read all the articles that say there is no US city where someone making minimum wage can afford an apartment? How will I keep my "small job" if I'm living in my car with no place to shower or change clothes. A "small job" will also make me ineligible for unemployment, and it will suck up time and energy I could use to look for something that would allow me to support myself. But maybe I'm just lazy, right? Or stupid. Maybe I don't deserve to have a place to live or food to eat or enough money to keep a pet or two.
  4. I lost my job unexpectedly on Friday. I don't know what happened. I'd been working a contract gig since March and had gotten nothing but good feedback. In fact, the company had told me about three weeks ago that they were going to pick up my contract for 2019. Then on Friday, my manager called the contracting agency I worked with and told them she was cancelling my contract effective immediately. She said something about being in on a meeting where someone said I missed a deadline or didn't respond to a deadline or something ... I don't know, because no one ever said anything to me. I'm devastated. I'm single, and that job was my sole source of income. I don't know what I'm going to do. Chances of me finding a job between now and the end of the year are slim. Yes, I applied for unemployment, but I doubt I'm eligible since I was technically fired. Please don't tell me to just go get a job at Target; $10 an hour, even if I could get 40 hours a week, won't pay the bills. I'm only eligible for about $30 a month in food stamps since I'm single and own a car (a 2003 economy car). None of my so-called friends or family will help. They're all too busy to even talk on the phone with me. I don't know what to do, and my depression is really bad. I spent the day trying to find a new home for my cat, since she can't live in the car with me. I was already facing spending the holidays alone. Now I'm going to spend them alone and unemployed. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can deal with.
  5. I can relate. I don't drink or take anything stronger than Tylenol, but I often wish I did so I could just go numb for a while. I'm so tired of being worried and anxious and depressed and lonely. I want to not feel.
  6. @tracyistrying, that's wonderful news! Just remember, you're good at what you do. This company would be lucky to have you. Keep us updated. And CONGRATULATIONS!!!
  7. So, basically, I'm screwed. If people are too busy, then I can't expect them to make time for me. If they know about my depression, they don't want to deal with it. If they don't know about my depression, I still can't talk to them, because if they find out I'm depressed, they won't want to deal with me, either. And not that I don't appreciate the support I get here, but I'm over 40. I didn't grow up forming relationships through a smartphone or tablet. Besides, I sit in front of a computer all day for work. I want to hear a human voice. And I want to hear it more than once a week for an hour.
  8. I was so desperate for someone to talk with that yesterday I posted on Facebook that I really, really needed someone to call me. I got 7 "likes," one comment that a friend was praying for me, another that read "So sorry!" Not a word from anyone. Not. A. Word. I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry to be such an inconvenience to everyone. I'm done with social media, and I'm done with people. I'll figure this out by myself.
  9. IMHO, you don't need a day hospitalization program. You need rehab. Now. If you've done it before, you need to do it again, and you need to get serious about it. If you really don't want to quit, then don't waste the hospital's staff time. The only way you'll ever get mentally healthy is to get a handle on your addiction. If you don't want to drive, try Uber. They operate in Grand Rapids. Yeah, it'll cost you money, but you won't have to depend on your mother to drive you around.
  10. @Mysteria201819 I feel the same way. I have so much to do, and I know I could easily do most of it, but I'm just not motivated. I can't think. I can't focus. I just feel numb. I desperately want to feel again and have energy and drive again, but I don't know how to get those things back. As far as work ... have you ever considered writing or doing research for media companies? I have a degree in science, but I became a science and tech writer because it allows me to keep learning about new developments and trends. I love it because I can bounce from topics like genome sequencing to AI to telemedicine. It's not an easy field to break into, but it's never dull.
  11. Thanks, @MaepleSyrup. But today I'm so stressed and depressed I'm not sure I could have a coherent conversation.
  12. @tracyistrying, have you checked into online tutoring services, like Skooli or SmartThinking? I don't have a clue how much they pay, but I think they'd love to have someone like you on staff. Hang in there. I know what it's like to try to work while dealing with depression. If I didn't telecommute, I wouldn't be able to do it.
  13. @MaepleSyrup I feel the same way you do. Only I *am* reaching out, and no one is there. Everyone is too busy, or they only want to talk about themselves, or they tell me to get over it. Or they tell me to pray. I think I hate that response most of all. I've been praying for years for relief from my depression, to be normal and have my life back. Instead, things have gotten worse. I'm single, I live alone and I telecommute, so I'm lonely most of the time. I woke up very depressed this morning, and I don't know why. Right now, I would do almost anything to hear a friendly, empathetic voice. But I know that's not going to happen.
  14. Thanks to all for your responses. I do appreciate them. To be clear, I have absolutely no issues with listening to other people's problems. Everyone needs to talk sometimes. I just want my turn. And sometimes, I even want to talk first--and most. I just don't feel like anyone does that any more. At least, no one in my life does. That's why I'm so worried about my cat. He's my buddy. He listens. He doesn't care if I'm in a bad mood. He'll climb in my lap and purr and listen to me vent, then share a peanut butter sandwich with me. If I lose him, I will be completely alone. I used to have friends that would talk with me. Now everyone is too busy. What happened? Was it something I did?
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