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iamnotforever

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  1. @lonelyforeigner I think at one point he did love me. But I feel like he loved himself more. And no , he found out today that I had a dating profile set up ( meaning he himself had to be on the site as well) and finally texted me to flip out about it. Then I got a facebook request and when I checked out the page to see if I knew the girl or we had any mutual friends I saw pictures of her and my boyfriend together. When I asked him about it he told me she was an ex but she messaged me saying "hey you're my roomates girlfriend". He admits to living with her when I asked him about it and that was sort of the last straw with me. I never knew of this woman and I no longer know if I should believe him when he says she's the ex... maybe i'm just the side chick...
  2. So if you have read my previous post you know in detail about my relationship struggles. But I'll put in a brief overview for those who don't. My boyfriend is an illegal immigrant and may be getting deported, and he also wants to date and then marry two women, me being one of them and the other woman has not been decided upon yet. Well , its been about a good two weeks since we have said anything more than Hello to each other.I don't know why this is but I can't really find the energy to care. I knew I loved him when I made those posts , in fact I loved him so much I was sick over it. But by abandoning me like this he has given me time to think. During this time I kind of decided that being in a polyamourous relationship would be extremely detrimental to my mental health simply because of the fact that one of my triggers for depression is my insecurity and I would forever be insecure knowing that I alone was not enough to satisfy him. Not to mention all the jealousy that would be a factor due to me never really being 100% comfortable with the three way relationship in the first place. I can't do that. And it seems the relationship has fizzled out either way , so should I even worry about it anymore?
  3. So things with my boyfriend have improved slightly. He has picked up the motivation to fight this immigration case and has become more involved in our now rekindled relationship. There is only one problem. He told me today that he would very much like to take part in a polyamourous relationship with me and another girl we would choose together. My first reaction was shock then it changed to anger and then it quickly morphed into this immense sadness that hollowed out my chest where there had once been fulfillment. Our monogamous relationship had filled a cavity in my heart that I had never felt full before and in that moment it emptied out again. Even worse I was right outside my job getting ready to walk into a five hour shift with no breaks. I crossed the threshold of my work with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So many questions were running through my mind. Why am I not good enough? What does he need that I don't have? What's wrong with me? Why am I every ones second choice? For the entirety of my life I have been the girl that guys turn to when the better option is unavailable. This is the first relationship in which I felt like he loved me for me and it was genuine , but in that moment I felt like it was all a lie. So there I was at work confronted with the fact that my boyfriend wanted another girlfriend with absolutely no chance to hide somewhere and rid myself of the tears I was trying so desperately yo fight back . I didn't want to think about it , for fear that the hurt would cause me to burst into tears (or worse an anxiety attack) in front of all of my coworkers and customers. But the more I tried to push it back the more it bubbled to the surface. My therapists use the following analogy: if you try to hold a beach ball under water you will eventually lose control of it and it'll hit you in the face. I was staring face to face at a full blown meltdown in my near future if I didn't let myself think it through. My first logical thought was that if I wasn't comfortable with this the relationship would have to end. That made the whole in my heart widen. I do not want to lose him. He is the first man I have ever truly loved and I cannot stand the thought of letting him go. I have been in a polyamourous relationship before and it was actually mutually beneficial. I was just so stunned that he was unsatisfied that it left me reeling. The more I thought about the idea the more I began to warm up to it. I am not super comfortable with it and if it were up to me completely I would want him to myself, but his emotions and needs count to. I am bisexual so it wouldn't be inconvenient to me. I just think that I must do what I can to keep this love alive. Because he wouldn't have been the one to end it , I would have. I feel like this is a sacrifice I can make , one that won't always feel like a sacrifice.
  4. @Epictetus Thank you for the support , it does mean a lot.
  5. It seems like things are going to keep getting harder. With my recent dilemma regarding my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend , the term is unclear atm) possibly getting deported back to Mexico , I am in such a state of sadness that I can barely function correctly. Every single thing that reminds me of him can bring me to tears. I feel abandoned and upset that he is giving up so easily and laying down so fast. I thought that he would fight to stay in the states so that we could stay together. The fact that he is taking all of this in stride is really making me question if he valued our relationship at all. I have friends who work in social justice organizations that would be able to help him and I keep trying to put him in contact with them but he keeps denying the help.I feel so hopeless. He won't even answer my text messages because he is trying to sever the contact so that he won't disappear out of no where. Honestly I don't know if I prefer knowing. Knowing that he could be getting sent back to a country of poverty and squalor makes me afraid for him. I want to cry right now , but my aunt is right in front of me and I don't want to have to answer her questions. I love him so much and this hurts more than anything I have ever been through. This is the first time I have ever allowed myself to get truly close to someone , I have always guarded my heart against this kind of hurt and I opened it up for him because I knew in my gut he would never intentionally hurt me. Unfortunately I forgot to think of the things that were out of his control. Although , logic does tell me that this was in his control because he was the one who decided to drive with no license with an illegal amount of illegal drug in his possession. It's just hard not to idolize him in my mind because of how well he treated me. What if there is only one great love in life and he was mine? Will I have to settle in the future for some mediocre love that isn't as all consuming and thrilling as it was with Angel? Or can a person have multiple great loves?
  6. It seems like things are going to keep getting harder. With my recent dilemma regarding my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend , the term is unclear atm) possibly getting deported back to Mexico , I am in such a state of sadness that I can barely function correctly. Every single thing that reminds me of him can bring me to tears. I feel abandoned and upset that he is giving up so easily and laying down so fast. I thought that he would fight to stay in the states so that we could stay together. The fact that he is taking all of this in stride is really making me question if he valued our relationship at all. I have friends who work in social justice organizations that would be able to help him and I keep trying to put him in contact with them but he keeps denying the help.I feel so hopeless. He won't even answer my text messages because he is trying to sever the contact so that he won't disappear out of no where. Honestly I don't know if I prefer knowing. Knowing that he could be getting sent back to a country of poverty and squalor makes me afraid for him. I want to cry right now , but my aunt is right in front of me and I don't want to have to answer her questions. I love him so much and this hurts more than anything I have ever been through. This is the first time I have ever allowed myself to get truly close to someone , I have always guarded my heart against this kind of hurt and I opened it up for him because I knew in my gut he would never intentionally hurt me. Unfortunately I forgot to think of the things that were out of his control. Although , logic does tell me that this was in his control because he was the one who decided to drive with no license with an illegal amount of illegal drug in his possession. It's just hard not to idolize him in my mind because of how well he treated me. What if there is only one great love in life and he was mine? Will I have to settle in the future for some mediocre love that isn't as all consuming and thrilling as it was with Angel? Or can a person have multiple great loves?
  7. @lonelyforeigner I hope they don't. But you're right , this isn't the end all be all of my love life it still hurts though
  8. @nekitamo1234 at first telling them to a stranger is hard but then it becomes easier because this person doesn't have much investment in your life so its less complicated
  9. My boyfriend finally texted me back after about 24 hours. The good news was he wasn't ignoring me because he didn't want me any more but the bad news is that he is probably going to get deported. He was pulled over with an illegal amount of garden shrub and no license or papers. He broke up with me because the distance would be too hard to manage if he got sent back to Mexico. I don't know what to do. I cried a lot last night but I can't cry now because I don't want to have to explain this to my family, I know they won't understand how I have such a strong love for a man tat i've only been with for three months and have yet to see in person. I feel hopeless. The one man who actually loved me , actually treated me well is going to be gone from my life completely pretty soon and sent back to Mexico where things are not going to be the best for him. He was giving me happiness , making life a tad bit easier to live , giving me the strength to fight but now he has cut me off from all of that. I am not good at being alone but I am so invested that I don't know if I can ever love anyone as truly as I loved him. I feel like I am drowning.
  10. So I have been dating the same guy for three months as of yesterday. And I sent him a paragraph text message last night basically jsut saying I was so happy we had been together for three months. I have received no response and its almost 24 hours later. I don't know if he is ok or if I should be concerned. He works nights and is often very tired in the morning so that could explain why he hasn't texted me back. But i'm super anxious because it isn't like him to not respond to something sweet like that. My brain is trying to assume that he isn't into me anymore and my instincts are telling me to pull away and I don't want to because I think I love him. I am just so used to guys leaving me without explanation. I really hope this isn't the case.
  11. I have struggled with severe depression for the last two years. In retrospect I think it started around the time I was 8 years old. But I only started opening up about it around two or three years ago. I let it get worse and worse because I was afraid no one would believe me. I was also living in a household with a stepmother who was psychologically abusive so I knew if I opened up to her I would be ignored and abused to an even larger extent. But once I got out of that house and opened up to family members that I trusted with my struggles I was able to receive help. Take my word , friend do not wait. Combat this with all that you can muster from the start because if you wait it will only get worse. Venting on this site is a start but you might want to look into booking an appointment with a psychologist and psychiatrist if that is possible for you. Stay strong xx. Leda
  12. What is Ketamine? I have never heard of it before. The only out of the box "treatment" I have really tried is smoking pan but realistically I cannot go around high all the time, and some strands just heighten my anxiety.
  13. I feel like I am stuck in this daily routine of trying to make myself look perfect. Even when I am holed up alone in my room I feel like I always need to look attractive. If I don't I just sit there and judge myself till i am crying into my pillow. This can't be healthy. I work as a cashier at a Domino's and every shift I show up in a full face of makeup. I know its unnecessary but if the public ever sees the real me I will have no chance of being loved ever
  14. I know exactly the feeling you're describing here. For me it's like I am turning to all these things I know I normally enjoy to try t bring myself out of it but when I do these things I just feel indifferent. The most hopeless feeling...
  15. My family thinks i'm fine. I've stopped telling them i'm not. We have tried so many things , so many different medications and groups to try to make this terrible illness easier to deal with. But nothing is working. I am still constantly fatigued and my motivation is at an all time low. It is very hard for me to sleep and everything I do feels like a chore. I'm so tired of always being so easily irritable and its weighing on my familial relationships too because I just can't keep myself from lashing out. A few months ago they wanted to put me in a residential program, I fought it tooth and nail. Mostly because I didn't want to be away from Steven for long. He's the only person that makes me feel like I am actually alive. So I went to group therapy again. That was the third time I had gone to the same facility and for a little while it looked like there had been some positive changes. In the beginning the meds were working and the therapy was helpful until that became routine too. Soon traveling to the facility took all the energy my body possessed and I was utterly useless in group. I know i need more help but its so expensive. I see the bills that come in because my dad can't read and I have to tell him how much he owes, and every time I see one i just feel worse. My illness is costing my family a lot of money. I just wish the treatments they paid for had made some lasting difference so that I wouldn't have to keep going back. I'm not that suicidal anymore, they say that's progress. But just because I don't want to **** myself right now doesn't mean that I don't think about death often. Mostly I just notice things , like "hey that knife over there could **** me if I wanted it to." or "jumping into traffic at a busy intersection will ,most likely get you killed" I just don't have the desire to act on any of it. I don't make myself feel any better either. Most of the time I am convinced that I am ugly and stupid. My family and friends all deny that but I always think they're just saying that because they feel like they have to. And the boys that sleep with me don't count because they will say anything for that one thing. I am beginning to feel more and more everyday that i am here for other people to take advantage of while I sit silently torturing myself.
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