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LunarDude

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  1. Thanks. I'll take it as a compliment that I seem much older than 30. I have the gray hair to match the persona I love my daughter so much. Some people feel like they have a purpose in this world and life. Mine was never going to be fulfilled from a career or particular venture I under took. I've always known it was my life's purpose to raise a child and watch her prosper. It's difficult but its awesome. I would be devastated if I lost my family due to my personal issues.
  2. That's one of the worst aspects of having anxiety and or depression. Even if people are aware that it's a thing....if they haven't lived it themselves....they can't sympathize with what they don't understand. People find it hard to believe that maybe there's something more complicated going on with you beyond the surface level things like "oh your just being overly sensitive or being a baby, or your lazy, or you want attention and are being ridiculous"....when it's like REALLY? Do you think i want to live and feel like this by choice. I just joined this site too, and it was wise of you to come too. We're just everyday folks like you but were going through similar stuff...and if nothing else it's good to feel like there's a safe, comfortable place where you can unburden yourself to people who get it. On a professional note, you should definitely check out some therapists. They'll "get it", too. It's their job to understand. They're on your side. And if the first one you talk to doesn't feel right, there's plenty of others you can try. They can help you get to the root of your issues and help you strategize a solution to help. Definitely consider it. Much love.
  3. I definitely agree with the others here that it sounds like insecurity is your biggest hurdle (I understand, I'm relatively insecure but have gotten a little better over time). From your own self accessment, it sounds like your good enough looking and that it's more your stature that is a source of concern. 5'6" obviously isn't tall and is below average guy height but its not strange or anything. Youre on the shorter end of "normal" if you ask me. There's a vast amount of women significantly shorter than you. I dont think any of that's your issue. Being quiet and reserved when meeting new people definitely doesn't make a strong impression or the right impression a lot of times....but were talking about dating. If I was a girl, and I met a dude who was reserved, I might take it as him not actually being that interested in ME, or not being invested enough in our interaction to bother trying to connect with him. It's understandable on the women's part. I think dating just kinda stinks like that when you aren't an outgoing person. I'm married (but if I wasn't and was single I would be similar to you)...I think people like us do better meeting potential relationship/love interests when we have the opportunity to get to know those people more informally, as acquaintances, peers in a group hobby or organization, coworkers, etc. Introducing yourself to a girl at the bar....or meeting someone you met online for coffee....thats like being on stage, and you were never given a script to learn. Maybe dive deeper into your own interests/hobbies/passions. Are you religious? Start volunteering for stuff at church. Into nerdy stuff? Start hanging around others who like similar things to you so you have a comfortable base to start from. Passionate social/political beliefs? Get involved with local organizations where you'll meet peoplle who think like you do. If you have that surface level connection via your interests...then you've already broken the ice. Don't assume too much about women. You can't generalize. Maybe your social realm is just too limited. If you just see a bunch of arrogant P**ks at work who somehow are always finding girls to date or hook up with......that should tell you those types of girls are not your type and you would never be happy with them anyway. There's a lot of really cool women out there and they arent all superficial. They just aren't on a billboard in front of your face. They're busy working long hours at an office, working on some interesting art project, training for a marathon, or spending their free time volunteering somewhere.
  4. Hi everyone. I'm new here. Just had a rough conversation with my wife that left me in a heap of pathetic self-pitying sadness. Weve been through this a hundred times. Having clinical depression (I take meds)....these moments are sometimes too much to bare. I'm happy to have found this forum so I can get stuff off my chest and be supportive of others too. I'm gonna be long winded and rant here so if I lose everybody by the end of this ill understand. I just need to speak my mind somewhere safe and comfortable around people who aren't in my everyday life. I'm 30 years old. I've been married to my wife since 2011 when I was 23. My wife is 3 years older than me. We initially met and dated as teenagers split for a bit, while seeing others but maintaining contact, and eventually got back together for good. We're just meant for each other and of that I've always been convinced. We're best friends, lovers, and partners in navigating life. In our teens, to early twenties, everything was fine. I think i was probably depressed on some level back then but it hadn't escalated to anything intolerable, I'm guessing because life hadnt really challenged me that much yet. My depression grew stronger though and a few years ago it culminated in me having a public meltdown at work (initiated by legitimate work-related issues) where i lost it, and punched my computer, threw stuff across the room and marched to HR and cussed everybody out. My fellow employees on the floor supported me for standing up for the rest of them to management but I knew that my whole meltdown was not okay and extremely out of character for me (I'm generally very calm and collected and quiet and non-confrontational). So I decided to start seeing a therapist. It was nice talking to someone but I never really got anywhere with him. I did get on medicine though, and to this day anti-depressants help me stay relatively stable, emotionally. I still feel drained often though and it's hard for me to get motivated to do things I need to accomplish. I tend to forget a lot of things thus making me irresponsible which is unacceptable for a grown adult with a wife and child. My wife gets frustrated with me when I spend all of my free time having fun with my 2 year old child, and not getting things done around the house and what not. I just can never focus my mind on important tasks. My brain like tries to do the equivalent of a control-alt-delete, forced shut down like I'm a computer. It's easy for me to be a productive human being when my wife is doing stuff with me. I by no means am afraid of hard work or labor. I'm just the polar opposite of a self-starter. It's not laziness. I just can't find it in me to get going on anything, on my own. Needless to say, it's to the point where my wife doesn't know what to do with me. I commit to trying harder to contribute to our life but so always falter and it's weighing on her and I know it's not fair. We're to the point now where if I can't fix myself, I do believe she will leave me. I couldn't handle losing my wife and daughter. The pressure from my wife, coupled with my job not providing me with the amount of hours I need to provide financially is stressing. Then there's all my personal issues. I've had what I believe to be developmental issues due to my dad not being in my life since I was 7. I didn't have a father figure growing up and my mom compensated by making my life pretty easy. I feel like I was never given the tools to be a strong, driven, person. Entering the real world/adulthood, nobody cares about your issues. Oh yeah, and all of a sudden my dad appeared out of nowhere on Facebook trying to add me....i haven't known anything of his whereabouts in 23 years. The thought of meeting him again is the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with and it's another stressor in my life currently. So many things just going wrong, or not going well enough for me are making me want to give up. I've never seriously acted on anything, but I often wish I just never existed. I think I probably would end it all if I didn't have people who did care about me and that's the thing... I dont want to be selfish. Being selfish (even if it's depression fueled) has gotten me here to this miserable point and I hate dragging people down with me, and suicide would be the ultimate hurt to my loved ones. So even if I want to give up on myself, which I do, I cant....which is that much more burdensome. So that's what I'm dealing with. Any insights are thoughts are welcome if anybody made it through this life -rant. It's nice to be in the company of others who actually know what you're feeling and can empathize.
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