Hi everyone. I'm new here. Just had a rough conversation with my wife that left me in a heap of pathetic self-pitying sadness. Weve been through this a hundred times. Having clinical depression (I take meds)....these moments are sometimes too much to bare. I'm happy to have found this forum so I can get stuff off my chest and be supportive of others too.
I'm gonna be long winded and rant here so if I lose everybody by the end of this ill understand. I just need to speak my mind somewhere safe and comfortable around people who aren't in my everyday life.
I'm 30 years old. I've been married to my wife since 2011 when I was 23. My wife is 3 years older than me. We initially met and dated as teenagers split for a bit, while seeing others but maintaining contact, and eventually got back together for good. We're just meant for each other and of that I've always been convinced. We're best friends, lovers, and partners in navigating life.
In our teens, to early twenties, everything was fine. I think i was probably depressed on some level back then but it hadn't escalated to anything intolerable, I'm guessing because life hadnt really challenged me that much yet. My depression grew stronger though and a few years ago it culminated in me having a public meltdown at work (initiated by legitimate work-related issues) where i lost it, and punched my computer, threw stuff across the room and marched to HR and cussed everybody out. My fellow employees on the floor supported me for standing up for the rest of them to management but I knew that my whole meltdown was not okay and extremely out of character for me (I'm generally very calm and collected and quiet and non-confrontational).
So I decided to start seeing a therapist. It was nice talking to someone but I never really got anywhere with him. I did get on medicine though, and to this day anti-depressants help me stay relatively stable, emotionally. I still feel drained often though and it's hard for me to get motivated to do things I need to accomplish. I tend to forget a lot of things thus making me irresponsible which is unacceptable for a grown adult with a wife and child. My wife gets frustrated with me when I spend all of my free time having fun with my 2 year old child, and not getting things done around the house and what not. I just can never focus my mind on important tasks. My brain like tries to do the equivalent of a control-alt-delete, forced shut down like I'm a computer. It's easy for me to be a productive human being when my wife is doing stuff with me. I by no means am afraid of hard work or labor. I'm just the polar opposite of a self-starter. It's not laziness. I just can't find it in me to get going on anything, on my own.
Needless to say, it's to the point where my wife doesn't know what to do with me. I commit to trying harder to contribute to our life but so always falter and it's weighing on her and I know it's not fair. We're to the point now where if I can't fix myself, I do believe she will leave me.
I couldn't handle losing my wife and daughter. The pressure from my wife, coupled with my job not providing me with the amount of hours I need to provide financially is stressing. Then there's all my personal issues.
I've had what I believe to be developmental issues due to my dad not being in my life since I was 7. I didn't have a father figure growing up and my mom compensated by making my life pretty easy. I feel like I was never given the tools to be a strong, driven, person. Entering the real world/adulthood, nobody cares about your issues. Oh yeah, and all of a sudden my dad appeared out of nowhere on Facebook trying to add me....i haven't known anything of his whereabouts in 23 years. The thought of meeting him again is the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with and it's another stressor in my life currently.
So many things just going wrong, or not going well enough for me are making me want to give up. I've never seriously acted on anything, but I often wish I just never existed. I think I probably would end it all if I didn't have people who did care about me and that's the thing... I dont want to be selfish. Being selfish (even if it's depression fueled) has gotten me here to this miserable point and I hate dragging people down with me, and suicide would be the ultimate hurt to my loved ones. So even if I want to give up on myself, which I do, I cant....which is that much more burdensome.
So that's what I'm dealing with. Any insights are thoughts are welcome if anybody made it through this life -rant.
It's nice to be in the company of others who actually know what you're feeling and can empathize.