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Dyreal95

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About Dyreal95

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  1. Thanks so much for the responses, it means so much to me. I agree that when you dont have hope, everything seems meaningless... And i have lost all hope. I know my situation is different from others, but i really dont know where to reach out for help... This seems like a great place because i can be anonymous. I dont know how to accept my thoughts, i just cant live like this...
  2. Thanks for the response, it means a lot to me. It helps a lot to get some soothing words from others. I still dont know how to forgive myself and move on... It seems impossible as it will always be there.
  3. I dont know if this is the right forum to post this thread. Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and *********d in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me ************* with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. She was the only person who really understood me, but now she is taken distance from me, to make her own life better. I love her and i am happy that she is happy, but this is so hard... And i think she has found a new guy. The only person i could talk to and i felt loved me for who i am, dont want to talk to me anymore. I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps. My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely. I had big dreams and always dreamed about making music. Now i can't because i am afraid that will just raise the chances of the videos getting found. I can't get over what i have done, and i am so afraid someone will find it all the time. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help
  4. Thank you so much for the answers, it means a lot to me. I was seconds away from suicide yesterday, but was saved in the last second. I feel empty, ashamed and hopeless, and still see no future because of those videos.. and i dont know what to do. But you answers helps me a lot to calm down, so thank you for that! Please if you have any thoughts, advice or responses that can calm me down, tell me!
  5. Please help me, i cant se any future... i know i sound weak, but i just cant live with what i have done... it will never go away
  6. I just dont feel like doing anything anymore... All the things i used to love to do, i dont wanna do anymore...
  7. Thanks for the responses, it means a lot to me. I dont wanna change look and all that because of what i've done, i just wanna learn to accept it... but my suicidal thoughts is still getting stronger, and I feel like dying... i cant take this pain
  8. Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and ********* in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me ************* with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. She was the only person who really understood me, but now she is taken distance from me, to make her own life better. I love her and i am happy that she is happy, but this is so hard... And i think she has found a new guy. The only person i could talk to and i felt loved me for who i am, dont want to talk to me anymore. I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps. My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely. I can't get over what i have done, and i am so afraid someone will find it all the time. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help
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