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JMS25

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  1. The infinite drop

    So it's 4:44 as I look at the clock, and I don't think I've ever felt lower, though having felt so low for so long it's hard to really say. I'm unsure why I felt the need to put this online but I'm just so lost and I don't know how to make this go away. The reasons for the feeling are so numerous I don't know where to begin; my best friends suicide, the many times I've let people down, the constant messing things up, having a young son who I can't be strong for, family and friends I want to communicate with but whenever I try a pit of anxiety fills up to the point where I can't even think straight. It just feels like an infinite drop, like falling down a bottomless well, and to try and grab onto something is to invite failure and to finally hit the floor is to suffer pain. I'm constantly in a zone of helplessness and it's so excruciating. I feel alone in my own body. I then think about the billions of other people who have it worse, people in warzones or true poverty or in terrible health and I tell myself my life is so much better than others but I just think if my own woes have me feeling like this imagine how bad others feel. I feel like there's so little happiness in the world, and that it is just so unattainable. Even if my life improves, so many others are suffering. But I need to be strong for my son but I try and try and I constantly fail. This beautiful little boy who I brought into a world of so much cruelty. I don't know what to do. I can barely get out of bed, I don't sleep, I feel like I'm floating through a life I don't belong in, feeling without feeling, just a constant aching numbness as I fall deeper and deeper, waiting for the impact. Does anyone even know what I'm saying? I remember reading a guys description of depression and it resonated with me so much. He said it's like being in a warm bath, and somebody takes out the plug, and the bath empties, but you stay in it, cold, shivering and naked to the world. I don't know if I could ever put my feeling into such eloquence but I guess I've tried. I guess I need to know what I'm feeling has an end, and that the end is not the dull thud at the bottom of the well. I need to feel better for my boy, but I can't even think in what direction my first step should be. I am beyond lost. I feel like a grain of sand on the ocean floor, so insignificant and under an infinite crushing weight, how can I ever reach the surface?