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Everything posted by nhaar

  1. This is my third day at ward. Today I am moving to another ward. It's bigger and open ward. More freedom. I've been there before... three months ago. All three wards are full so I am little afraid they are putting people home too early. I've been texting all morning and talked on phone so I am really exhausted. Very little exhausts me. The hubby and the kids will pay a visit today. I am not really into it today but I have to. The kids are still devastated. I haven't slept well. My roommate is okay thank God. She sleeps all the time. There's always some noise coming outside the rooms. Environment affects for sure but I think it's an antipsychotic aripiprazol (Abilify) that was supposed to give me energy boost now stealing my night sleep. Will have to ask a doctor about that. My day at ward has been okay this far. I have a little headache though and I wish for a nap but can't sleep.
  2. I am now in a hospital, psychiatric ward. I don't remember much of the previous days. I can't remember going back to ER or going to the ward. I can't tell whether the kids came along taking me to the ER. I've sent many, many messages but I can't remember sending them. I have no clue what time I came here to the ward but I didn't leave my bed all day. I am relieved that I am here now. I hated it that kids had to see me like that. So many weeks and I didn't realize. And now I am in a ward where doors are locked and nurses monitor everything I do. I had already made skipping meals an art but today they wised up I have skipped every meal. It's not about weight but to starve myself. Here I have no extra meds or any meds. Taking meds is monitored too. And oxazepam is not on the list. I have been quite anxious today but I haven't asked anything for it. So many thoughts are running in my head and I feel guilt and shame. My husband brought me some clothes because it's okay to wear own clothes here. I was anxious to see him. I felt shame for being in the hospital. Next week the kids will come too. My both girls are totally upset. Younger one had left a halloween party early because she was so sad. Other one texted me that she can't stop crying. I don't know yet what's the plan for me. How long they are going to keep me here. I hope they don't send me home too soon. At least so long my new meds will start working.
  3. nhaar

    November 3

    I went back to ER and now I am hospitalized. I have to leave immitely to closed psychiatric ward.
  4. nhaar

    November 3

    Thank you for everybody who was concerned about me yesterday. I really appriciate it and it gives me strenght to continue seeking for proper help in this situation. Thank you my friends. I didn't go back to ER though, I was too tired so I slept till morning. I think it was 6pm so I slept 14 hours. I didn't even change my clothes. I slept wearing jeans and a hoodie. Yesterday was very weird. Either this depression is turning into psychotic or then it's all because overdosing oxazepam. Probably the latter but it sure felt like last year I had psychotic depression. I don't hear voices or have delusions. (Well, I do have delusions but not in this kind of situation.) It feels like being in a bubble and everything outside the bubble is not existing. I don't hear or see, outside world is out of my reach. I lost track of time and I don't remember anything. For example, yesterday I suddenly realised I was at ER and couldn't remember how I got there and what time or day it was. I am doing pretty okay in the mornings. That's why I have to write early while I am having my morning coffee. I know most of the readers are asleep while I write this. I am writing from time zone UTC+2. Say hello if you are reading this in the same zone! After morning coffee everything changes. That horrible emptiness, nothingness and guilt take over my mind. Morning meds gives me a great opportunity to take more than I need. I want to take more than I need. I overdose to tolerate this. I take more everytime. I usually take oxazepam which is benzodiazipine but I am running out. I'll take whatever prescription drugs I find at home. Anything will do if it affects central nervous system. I am not an addict. Not yet. I abuse prescription medicines. And if this goes on I'll eventually take fatal dose. Other severe problem is eating. I am not eating or drinking. I drink coffee and water with my meds but that's it. Sometimes I eat once a day but now I haven't eaten in two days. I am not hungry or thirsty. I am shutting down. I don't know what today will bring. It's impossible to think ahead. How bad will it get today? Should I go to ER or wait till Monday? Weekends are the worse. The worst because the whole family is at home. My husband has to take care of everything alone. And the kids have to witness all this. Their mother unable to get off the bed and not participating in anything. Terrible guilt to put them through this again.
  5. nhaar

    November 2

    I'm considering going back to ER.
  6. nhaar

    November 2

    I went to ER today, but the wait was too long. I couldn't bare being there so I left. I actually can't remember going there I just suddenly realised I was there. I met a general doctor who sent me to ER. I told him my drug abuse.
  7. nhaar

    November 2

    I won't make it at home. Every minute I breath is painfull. I am not coping well at all. I am overdosing every day. Not dangerously but enough to make this tolerable. I am running out of benzos but I'll figure out something else. I am taking more every time. I am thinking when to go to hospital for psychiatric evaluation. My doctor should have sent me but he didn't listen. Now it's much more complicated. I NEED HELP. EDIT: I am waiting for my turn at a health center. I hope the doctor will send me to an evaluation. I can't go on weeks like this. EDIT#2 I don't want to live anymore. Not like this. I don't know how I will make it to Monday.
  8. nhaar

    October 31

    I will complain about the doctor when I'll meet my psychologist on Monday.
  9. nhaar

    November 1

    Another meaningless day without purpose. I am not doing anything. I have no strength or will power but to lie in bed. In the morning I get up for morning coffee and to keep an eye on the kids preparing for school. Sometimes I get some chores done but as soon as the kids leave I sink into my misery. I was supposed to go to a lab this morning. Get blood test taken. My lithium levels have been allright but now that my doctor increased lithium dose, I have to give blood samples every week. But I didn't go. I don't give damn about lithium levels or how my kidneys are doing. I don't care if I reach toxic level or my kidneys are failing. It's unlikely anyway. I still feel bad about yesterday's appointment. I am hurt and feel I wasn't heard properly. I'm relieved though I don't have to work for two weeks. It's painful to work in this situation. I hope the meds will do the trick eventually and without too many side-effects. I am now high dose of lithium, two different antipsychotics and an antidepressant. I also take benzos now daily. It should be three to four weeks the drugs start working. I know it but it's impossible to see that far. I only live hour by hour. I can't remember yesterday and don't believe in tomorrow. There is only this moment, this misery, this nothingness. EDIT: I've spent eight hours in my bed staring at the ceiling or wall. I haven't eaten anything. I can't remember anymore how to live. EDIT#2: I have to stop taking too many drugs. I'm taking more and more everytime, pushing my limits. EDIT#3: I think I should be in a hospital.
  10. nhaar

    October 31

    I met the doctor. He was an asshole. I tried and tried but he didn't listen to me. He refused to understand how severe this situation is. He prescribed more meds and that's it. How am I supposed to survive the next 3-4 week before the new meds kick in? Work and perseverance he said. That's bullshit I say if I barely get off the bed. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to give up.
  11. nhaar

    October 30

    I have started my day with sedatives again. I don't need benzos for anxiety but to tolerate this emptiness. Any drug will do that makes my head light. I cut yesterday, skipped all meals and took too many drugs. Still I lied my psychologist about it when she asked. Today was different session from previous ones. We didn't go back to my childhood or my relationships. We talked about my depression currently happening and how it makes me feel. I am surprised it happened so fast. I am thinking how could I miss it. I should have seen it coming but I was blaming other things while it was happening in front of me. I feel guilty that I am in this situation again. Maybe I did something wrong? What triggered depression this time? I try to think hard but there is no answer. It's just random brain chemistry. The medication will be fixed for sure. This combination is not working for me right now. I am now on lithium and seroquel. I have given few thoughts about medication but I am sure the doctor has an opinion too. I haven't met this doctor before so I don't know what to expect. My psychologist said that if I didn't have an appointment tomorrow, she would have sent me to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation because the situation is that bad whether I think otherwise or not. She said that the doctor tomorrow will most likely suggest hospitalization so I need to think about it and form some kind of opinion. I am in panic. I need more time to think about this. Obviously I need to talk about this with my husband because he's the one who is left with three kids alone. I don't know how to tell him it's this bad again. And how would he manage everything alone? There are so many things to think ahead and so many arrangements that must be done. And who would help him? And how many weeks I would stay in the hospital? Too many questions without an answer. I don't know what to do.
  12. nhaar

    October 29

    I am sorry you are going through this emptiness too @LonelyHiker. We'll make it somehow. This can't continue forever. I slept five hours after taking some sedatives. First snow had fallen during my sleep. Everything is white, silent and calm. Just like my mind now after taking more sedatives. This is how I cope with this.
  13. nhaar

    October 29

    My calendar says today is October 29. I would't know without my phone calendar what day it is. So, it's last Monday of October and this is my first diary note. It's reassuring only to write about this moment and what's going on in my mind at this very moment. No pressure. I slept too much again. I missed my evening meds because I fell asleep so early. So I was little agitated in the morning but at least I got some chores done. I have nothing to do today. I was supposed to meet my son's teacher but I cancelled. I can't meet anybody. Not now. I can't fake even for 15 minutes meeting. It's too exhausting. I can't even return to messages. Today is all about waiting for tomorrow. I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. It doesn't change anything but at least I feel I am doing something for this situation. And I need someone professional to acknowledge I am depressed again. I am also meeting a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I have no expectations so far. This has all happened so fast I haven't got enough time to think. Something must be done. Fixing the medication at least. I am not sure how severe my condition is. It feels severe but then again I've got some hope this time. It could be because it's been so little time since the last time. I know it's possible to survive. I did it few months ago and a year ago so I can do it now too. I have to survive. I've still got no emotions. I feel nothing. No purpose or meaning. Just numb. Sometimes I almost feel anxiety about not having any feelings but then it slips away. Anxiety would be better than nothingness. I took some pills as soon as the kids had left the house. Benzo high to get me through this day. To tolerate emptiness. Or sleep through the day. I am lost in nothingness.
  14. nhaar

    Welcome to my diary

    I am not well enough to write this blog anymore. My mind is empty and whatever thoughts are left, they are all over the place. I can't write a whole, rich text with well-grounded opinions and views because my brain is slowing down. I forget things and I've lost track of time. I am constantly lost with what day it is or what time it is. Slowing down is only few steps away from other cognitive symptoms. I've experienced this few times before. It's really scary and eventually it will lead to psychotic depression. I've been in a situation where I no longer have been able to speak or function. Writing has always been important to me. It's a way of dealing with emotions and analyzing things. I am not going to stop writing though. I will turn this blog into my diary or mood logger or whatever you want to call it for now. I will write without purpose or ambition. I will write about my feelings and thoughts at that very moment. I will probably write daily to track my moods. So I welcome you to share my journey of surviving depression. I don't know how many times I've gone this through before. Every time is different. Everytime is harder.
  15. nhaar

    Marks of disgrace

    Self-harm. Self-mutilation. Small words, big stigma. I do it. Adults do it too. Nobody just talks about it. The stigma is so strong it's something I can't tell my psychologist or doctor. I think I should tell but I am too embarrased by it. I am not some 13-year-old kid. I've got a son of that age. I am a woman in my thirties. Mother of three. Succeeded in many things. I am also a cutter. What's your trigger? My trigger was anxiety. I was in so deep mental pain that I needed to transform it into physical pain. Some feelings were too much to tolerate. One cut here, one cut there. I was hooked. Endorphine rush. Instant relief. I've gotten rid of the habbit between my depressive episodes. My anxiety levels are tolerable and I don't have any feelings, whatsoever. I am numb. And that is probably the main reason I am doing it now. I want to feel something. Anything. So I hurt myself. I also feel like my pretty outside is not matching the ugly inside so I have to balance. Psysical self-harm is one part of the story. There is other ways too. Like skipping meals. I am not eating healthy on purpose. I am skipping breakfast and lunch. I eat dinner and lots of coffee. Other meals I skip because I don't care. Overdosing belongs to same category than neglecting self-care. Taking little extra before going to bed. I like the benzo high. For a moment everything feels tolerable. Dizzy head is better than clear mind. Because I just don't care.
  16. nhaar

    hey God

    Wow JD you have far more experience on this than I've got. I asume you haven't found an answer but you've come very far living this nightmare. Sometimes I wish I had real faith. Especially today. Meaningless and insignificant enough to test my faith in my life.
  17. nhaar

    hey God

    Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on, Seems like all the good shits gone, It keep on getting harder hanging on. All the good shits definitely gone. I had a friend over but I didn't enjoy. I felt nothing. The last few days have been slightly better. Or could be worse for I've stopped crying and become numb. Hard to tell yet. I want to cut more too. I want the outside look as ugly and hurt as the inside. Does that make sense? My life is ugly. There is no beauty in sadness or melancholy. There is no beauty or dignity in death. Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream, These days you're even hard to believe, I know how busy you must be, but Hey God... Do you ever think about me. Does He ever think about me? Does He even exist? My struggle is too much for one person. What's the point? Where is my prize? I've suffered 20 years. What if the next 20 years will be the same? What's the point trying if there is no hope of change? I can't see future, I can't see next day. I don't have real faith in God. Sometimes I wish I did. I wish all my struggle had a purpose. That this pain and hell on Earth serve the purpose. Life is random. Unlikely and random and it gives me great comfort to know there's a way out. No life after, no awareness. Eternity. Nothing after. I can't be certain of each and other. Tricky part is to have enough faith. I'd get down on my knees, I'm going to try this thing your way. hey God, Do you see me struggling? Do you see me broken? Sometimes my illness threaten to crush me and my pain threatens to suffocate me. You are the God that parts waters and splits mountins. I know that you can do anything. Give me patience, endurance, perseverance and faith to beat my illness again and again withouth giving up. Please forgive me the times I try to figure this life out on my own and take my life into my own hands. God, I need a victory from this battle of my mind that wants to k i l l me. At least hear me and give me some hope. Amen. Quotes are lyrics from my favorite artist Bon Jovi. Thank you for writing this song.
  18. nhaar

    No longer

    I no longer write my main blog. I no longer eat regularly. I no longer do my assignment my psychologist gives me. We are trying to overcome my delusional fears but I no longer care. Everything is pointless. I am still going work but I don't know how long. What's the point working with people when I no longer want to have any human contact. I don't want to see my family or friends. I don't care about them anymore. I am hurting. I am cutting again too but I'm not physically hurting. I do it for few minutes endorphine rush that gives my brain a break from anxiety. Benzodiazepines do the trick too but I am saving them. Just for the case I need an escape. This week has been hard. I can't really remember but I remember it's been hard. I barely remember what day it is. It's probably because kids have a fall break from school this week and my husband hasn't been working all week. My depression isn't that bad yet but eventually my brain will shut down again. My husband brought up some relationship issues and I have to find strength to answer him. I asked for a time-out before answering. He wrote me a long message about how he doesn't know anymore what I want from him if anything and therefore he can't see future with me. I don't know how to tell him. My illness controls me and I've lost myself. I am no capable of marriage or relationship. I have nothing to give. He doesn't see our future but I don't see any future. I don't see my life to continue. I can't see my kids growing up. I see nothing. I wish he found somebody else to share our life with. I know my kids love me so much but I am not a good care-taker. They deserve better. I am only learning how devastating this illness is. When I got a bipolar disorder diagnosis a year ago I thought finally things would get better. Finally I had diagnosis that made sense and right medication to improve a quality of my life. I thought I had already faced the worst during these 20 years of illness. But the worst is ahead. I have found a combination of medication that prevents highs but now I've learned that it doesn't prevent depression. It happens again and again no matter what and now it seems that nothing happening in my life seems to contribute to it. It seems to be random brain chemistry. I am tired. I seem to have four severe episodes in one year. That seems to be the cycle now. That is just crazy. I was in a hospital for severe depression few months ago. Depression turned into hypomania overnight while I was in hospital. And then hypomania turned back to depression. I need a break from this. I need to heal and feel normal for at least few months. Why all this struggle when there is no prize? I no longer can do this. Can't do this life.
  19. nhaar

    Back to square one

    During past couple of months I've been healing from both, depression and hypomania. It hasn't been an easy path to recovery. I have suffered from many symptoms on my way. It's been a struggle and now I have to admit I am back to square one. I have fallen ill with depression again if I ever really got over it at the first place. I've been talking about my symptoms like being tired all the time without realising I am actually ill. I've been blaming things like autumn and shorter days. That is just bullshit. All I needed to do is look around and see it but I haven't been ready to see clearly. I am depressed. I've lost pretty much every progress I've made this far on my journey to recovery. I had to re-build all my routines. I learned to eat and sleep again. I learned to take care of myself and revived my social life. I re-gained my concentration again so I was able to read and write again. Now I've pretty much lost all. Now I can see it was devious depression making it's way in my head and body. I keep asking myself how is this possible? It's been only few months since I was in a hospital. But this is the truth. There's a good day every now and then but good days are getting rare. I am tired of life. I can manage working part time but I don't manage home life. It's all becoming too overwhelming. Piece by piece depression is taking over my life. I've still got my will to live so it's not quite there yet. But it probably will be. I'll give it three weeks.
  20. nhaar

    A trip to Seafortress

    Kids have this week off from school. Little autumn break before darkest months. Weather has been exceptional for few days now. I am glad I took the kids to the Seafortress. Something was must-do. I don't want them to see the way I really am. We had great time and spending a day enjoying nature and surroundings gave me a break from anxiety. There is a but though. Why do I always feel guilty enjoying something? It happens every time. It's like I don't deserve it. Anyways, my mind is too overwhelmed. My kids exhaust me and they are not even small anymore. My brain capacity is limited and I am not able to write so I'll share some photos instead. Enjoy!
  21. nhaar

    Reality check

    I had a little back to reality moment today. A panic attack caused by my daughter knocking mightily the front door after school. They usually use their keys or the door remains unlocked whenever someone is home. Today she knocked and I triggered. Sounds ridiculous, I know. Unfortunately that's me. I am terrified of people knocking my door and endless list of other things. A great reminder how f**ked up my mind is. Dear Universe, thank you very much for a reminder. I got to thinking when you are chronically ill, how do you know when you are well? How do you know when you are mentally stable? My moods are stable thanks to lithium and antipsychotics but am I well now? And what about panic disorder? Does it sync with my bipolar or is it separate? I feel okay. There are no highs and lows but definitely panic attacks and social anxiety. I sleep too much and I can only work part time. This is the best health I've been in years. Is this all I get? Will it ever get better than this? Being mentally ill all and the rest of my life really is some hard core stuff. Not for everybody but I've made it this far against the odds. I have to get well over and over again without a promise of a better tomorrow. I am managing my moods now. It gives me a feeling of stability. It's a fallacious thought. I have no control over other problems. I've been suffering from shorter days and now I am afraid I am facing a new challenge. I work only 60% but it's taking 100% of my brain capacity. I've worked only five shifts since I got back. I get through my shifts very well but at home everything feels too much. I've lost my concentration and therefore writing is not a pleasure but a stuggle. Every blog post or whatever is becoming harder and harder to carry out. I wonder if I tried to compensate working only 60% with writing 40%. Why do I need to give 100% of me when I am clearly not up to that? There's no going back to my old life. I won't survive that life anymore. I've reached a point where there is only one way to go. Meeting reality. (By the way, the panic attack was a real deal today. It left my body so exhausted that I fell asleep and burnt a cassarole in the oven.)
  22. nhaar

    Autumn is here

    Hi! Yes, Finland is where I come from 🙂 I am truly blessed to be born in this country. I've also got some relatives in Sweden. It's quite cold here now. September and the whole summer were very warm so cold and crispy weather feels good now. It's getting darker day by day, December being the worst if there isn't any snow. Hopefully we get some in here capital area.
  23. nhaar

    Autumn is here

    Goodbye summer. Hello seasonal affective dosorder. Autumn is real. It's happening right now right here. My friend from North sent me a video today. It was all winter. All white, snowing and reindeer. I wonder if Santa suffers from seasonal affective disorder. In Finland 10-30% suffers from light symptoms and 1% serious disorder. It's not all white here in South. Probably won't be untill January. It's just darker day by day. Four seansons are great but here in polar circle it means extreme light and extreme darkness. I don't usually suffer from darkness. On the contrary, the darker it gets more hypomanic I become. This year could be different. I am feeling different. I've been tired all week. Sleeping on the couch in addition to eleven hours of night sleep. Feels like spring when I am usually very tired. Everything is upside down. I've been useless today. I haven't gotten off a couch all day. Well yes, I ate and made some coffee but basically I've been sleeping and staring at my phone. I don't want to be tired. Christmas is coming and so many things to do! I want to enjoy tidy and cosy home and enjoy candle light. It's hard if I've got no energy to clean up. Though it's easy to fool oneself and switch off lights and lit candles. Mess magically disappears. I thought today that why should I even write. What's the point. I don't know if no one is reading anyway. I could just sleep all day long. If I was working five days a week, I would be usefull. Nobody would question if I was tired. But I am only working three days a week. M comes home from work soon and I haven't done anything here. House is a mess and I haven't fed the kids. I haven't even brushed my teeth. I hope this goes by. I can't have depression now. I don't do winter depression. Spring and summer is my thing.
  24. nhaar


    It happened again. I re-lived one of the most traumatic incidents of my life. I was rejected by my parents when I desperately cried for help. A cry after cry I was ignored. This has wounded me deeply. I forget it time to time but then suddenly one word pushes me off the edge and I am left hurt and angry again. This is what happened. I texted my mother if we could see. I really felt like talking because I was excited about going back to work. I don't share much with her but sometimes I get this feeling that I really need her. She told me she was having my sister over so I didn't want to crash. My sister is pregnant so that would have been all we taked about. So, I suggested my mom if she liked to go for a walk later in the evening (we are basically neighbours). Before I pushed 'send' something inside me told me not to do that so I wouldn't disappoint. Her answer was 'no'. And right then and there tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt as devastated as sixteen years ago. Somehow my fragile mind found a connection to my traumatic experience. All the same feelings like a wave flushed over me. How cannot I get over it? It's been sixteen years but I just can't let it go. This is what happened sixteen years ago. I was eighteen, mentally ill and suicidal. I had been mentally ill years but they couldn't see it. Not even when I was having panic attacks at the age of ten. I had hid it all because I had learned not to talk about difficult things. But now I had to tell. I had to tell I couldn't go to school anymore. I was too ill. It was the hardest thing I had ever done that far. I don't know what I expected. Caring? Support? Love? I got nothing. And it wasn't just that. When I overdosed and didn't wake up all day, it was like it never happened. When my father picked me up from from bars or lockup, it didn't happen either. After second suicidal attempt, nobody picked me up from a hospital. I was screaming in a room full of people but nobody wanted to hear me. I can't trust them. I can't trust anybody. I can't trust I get help when I need it. Or at least as long as it's about my mental health. How loud I have to scream? Is my mental illness inappropriate? I am so hurt again I won't be telling a thing for a long time. The memory is just too painfull. I will wait until they ask me how I am doing. They stopped asking last year when I got my diagnosis. Maybe it's hard for them for several reasons but that is not an excuse. They are my parents. I am an adult but I am still their child. Now I can't write longer. I am in tears. I am so hurt.
  25. nhaar

    Making progress

    I'm doing pretty good at the moment. I understand I'm still healing from the past twelve months and my mental health is very fragile. Just like glass or thin ice it can collapse and shatter any moment if I am not careful. I am coming along quite well. My mood has finally leveled thanks to Lithium and Seroquel. It's still too early to call it a life-saver but I am optimistic I have finally found combination that kills highs and lows and keep me alive. Future still feels iffy so I am mostly taking life one day at a time. I am going back to work on Monday. It's very exciting in a good way I think. I have been away for four months and now going back part time. I am still angry and disapointed my position as a unit manager is gone but working as a general manager supports my mental health better. I am little conserned how anger will affect my illness if I can't get over it. I need to let it go, it's no use because there's nothing I can do about it. I guess there is a lesson to be learned, the stigma of this illness is real and for that things work out unfair sometimes. I've been making huge progress overcoming my anxiety and fears. If you haven't read the full story of my anxiety, please check it! I have been avoiding my backyard for years because going there kicks off a panic attack. I have been working in the yard on two different days now without having a panic attack. And damn it felt good afterwards! I was anxious but I just kept telling myself powerful affirmations. I used music and benzos before with very little success so I was surprised affirmations had such power! I will defitely keep working on this. I will feel much better at home when my surroundings feel safe. I'm also eating better and taking care of myself. I suffered from serious loss of appetite for seven months so I've been trying to learn eat healthy again. Food is quite healthy but the problem is to eat enough times a day. But I am making progress. I eat 2-4 times a day, three times being average. I also need to start excercising but it's not possible until eating habbits are improved. Small steps at a time I guess. Since morning Seroquel was reduced a small amount, I haven't been so tired day-time. I also suffered from brain fog that's now gone. My consentration has improved a lot which has positively affected my writing. I have been taking lot of pressure about my other blog but now it's on a right course. I also dream of taking this blog to a next level some day. It feels good have some dreams and goals after so long. Have a great weekend everybody!
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