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Everything posted by nhaar

  1. Last time I wrote I said I was doing good and hypomania was over for now but now I am second guessing my mood. I guess that good energy was hypomania after all. Very mild but hypomania anyway. I feel like I am now in what I call hypomania hangover. It's a state right after hypomania. Suddenly all the colors have faded and motivation is gone. I don't know what to do because my mind has stopped feeding me ideas. I am wondering what the hell just happened? Where did all my energy go? How can it just disappear? I feel empty and disappointed. I am struggling with my weight loss. It is so hard to motivate myself to go outside for a jog. It's actually hard to motivate myself to do anything. Everything is so grey and gloomy. Some days are better than other days. I get things done and when I don't, I feel guilty and useless. I can't work because of my illness. I stay at home all days. I feel like it's my obligation to get chores done. I often forget that I am not a stay-home-mum, I am a recovering patient. Also I compare myself to the person I am when I hit my highs. I forget that I can only be that super human when I am manic. I have lately suffered from some anxiety too. Getting out of door is becoming harder. I think my neighbours don't like me and my family. I think they are talking ill about us. There are so much to do in the backyard now that it's spring, but I can't go to my backyard. Going there causes me a panic attack. I want to but I can't. I also get anxious when my kids are bringing friends from school. I always say yes when they ask but it's giving me hard time. I am afraid they are too loud or I am wondering what they think of me when the house is messy and I can't get off the bed. I don't know if my mood is turning back to depression. By far I have learned that manic episode is followed by depression. I've been on this rollercoaster for so long that it's making me think does this ever stop? How long I can go on like this? I mean, after three hospitalizations, ECT, trial of different medication and therapy, when does this end? Does it end when it ends me or is there still hope?
  2. nhaar

    Doing okay

    Hi everybody and thank you for reading! I am doing pretty okay. It almost feels scary to say those words out loud. Like if I say such a thing, something bad will happen. But I will say it again just to defy the Universe: I am doing good. My mood is stable and everything feels easier without anxiety and psychotic symptoms. Spring and summer is usually hard for me but now it feels different. I've got lot of energy but it's good energy. I don't have any hypomanic symptoms which is a relief. So it's safe to say hypomania is all gone for now. A new thing is that I was diagnosed with thyroid insufficiency caused by Lithium. I've started a medication and I hope it will help me with my weight issue. It's actually more likely that the weight gain is caused by thyroid insufficiency rather than antipsychotics. So fingers crossed everybody. I've been able to keep healthy eating routine at home. I also try to execise 3-5 times a week. I am pretty motivated. I haven't gained any results yet in weight loss but my metabolism is not working like it should so there is not much I can do but keep eating healthy and exercising to avoid more gaining. I've still got four months of sick leave left. Even though I have so much positive energy I can't even imagine going back to work now. My brain has gone through unbelievable amount of stress during last two years. I want to work again some day but now it's not the time for that. My brain needs to heal properly. Sometimes I am afraid I will become ill again before my sick leave ends. My life has been such a roller coaster ride that it's hard to believe things could get better for me and I could some day have control over my life and not the illness controlling my life. I think right words for this situation would be "one day at a time". With those words on my mind I will lead my life one day at a time.
  3. nhaar

    Welcome sober life

    Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems. That's basically my yesterday night. Unfortunately alcohol also creates new problems. I don't drink often but when I do, things get ugly. I have been avoiding this issue long time but after last night it's time to do some inner searching and face the fact - I have a problem with alcohol. Let me tell you how it started. It started the moment I hit 18 and alcohol and nightclubs became accessible. I was troubled and suffered from severe depression so I started to drink to get away from my problems. When I dropped high school for my depression and got a job in a restaurant I drank easily five days a week (I think people in restaurant business drink a lot anyway). I always drank too much, didn't understand my limits and took unnecessary risks. Then came the panic attacks. More than often I was paralysed by a panic attack at the restroom floor. I've got so many ambulance rides I can't keep track. Also the police became familiar with me and I was 18 years old when I was taken to lockup. I was 19 when I spend the night in hospital because I tried to jump off a building. Drunk of course. I know I have written about this before but this time I am really serious about understading this pattern of behaviour. I am not 18 anymore. I am 34 years old and not a bit wiser about alcohol. Last night, three bottles of wine later, I fell face first on the floor. Yeah I know... Wtf where were my hands?! My body has bruises all over and my face ain't pretty. I also left half of my clothes (including panties) to a girl's whose bed I was in and I don't know how I made it to the home. I feel embarrased but maybe this had to happen in order to make me see this is not okay. I am not making any promises to stay sober. I probably couldn't keep it anyway. But I will really give it a thought and try to maintain sober life as long as I can before I ruin my marriage or jump off a building.
  4. If I could, I would give you some of my energy and motivation to get started. Getting started is the hardest part. I wish you all the best!
  5. I was finally checked out from hospital last Friday. It feels so good to be at home. I've kept myself quite busy. There is no space or time for depression right now. Hypomania is gone so I am delightfully enjoying steady mindset. I've still got lot of energy but I guess that's the real me - active, motivated and creative. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the real you when you've been sick so long and your illness has become part of your identity. Or at least you think it's who you are. You are not your illness even though it's part of you. I learned lot of useful tools at the ward when I participated in psycho-education. I have tried to use those tools as much as I can. One I remember well is to do one thing a day that you need to do. And do one thing a day that brings you joy. It doesn't matter if you can't feel joy. You just need to do things that promote your feeling of control and capacity. Some day you will notice that one thing brings you joy again. For me these things usually are household chores and doing my makeup. No matter how tired I feel I will do a chore and I will put on my makeup. I have recently faced a problem that is really bothering me right now. I've worked really hard to overcome but sometimes it's really frustrating. I believe most of us using Quetiapine (Seroquel) are battling with this weight issue. Weight gain is very common with antipsychotics. I've gained a lot weight since November when my dosage was tripled. A good thing is that I've started to exercise and mind what I eat. But the weight issue is a real deal. I exercise five days a week but my weight just keeps going up every week so it's very frustrating. I talked my nurse about this and we agreed on to keep going on like this for few more weeks before consulting my doctor about possible changes on medication. I am not overweight yet but I don't feel comfortable in my own body. I hope to embrace this healthy lifestyle again and keep on going. Exercising is so important for your mental health too. And it takes only about an hour of your day. Here in North we've still got a full winter but it won't stop me putting my sneakers on and head for a run. Have a great week everybody and please go out and enjoy nature 🙂
  6. nhaar


    I have been a day patient this week. I was a day patient before last summer but I didn't feel it as helpful as I did this time. Also my mood has been different from the situation last summer. As you already know, my mood has been good and I feel like Lithium is really making a difference this time. I wrote before that someday I'll be Saturday night. I didn't expect to be Saturday night so soon. My mood has changed dramatically. Today was supposed to be my last day at the hospital but I got two extra days, Monday and Tuesday. The thing is that my mood is too good. A doctor think this is hypomania (I know it is) so I have to come back next week. Also a little change on medication was done. These kind of mood swings are so consuming. I feel great now but mania takes it's toll. I am having fun now but I will eventually come crashing down like every time. I am lucky I know my illness so well. I know my warning signs and there have been warning signs several days now. Still I didn't expect this to happen. I've learned to recognize my hypomania/mania. I can't control it but I recognize it so I get medical attention before things get out of hands. My girls are going away for the weekend with an aunt. I was looking forward the weekend to relax at home but with this current situation anything can happen. I try not to provoke this situation, keep safe and sane. I feel super but I have to try to keep it in my mind that this is an illness. I've made terrible mistakes in my past due this illness so I want to avoid any excessive behaviour like buying a car or sending n u d e photos over Internet (I've done both). I am confident about my ability to keep this together. And I have to keep it together, after all I have to live with this mood disorder the rest of my life.
  7. nhaar


    It's been a while since I wrote last time. Maybe some of you have been wondering how things are with me. I've been at home since last Friday. The kids have a winter break from school this week so that's why they let me home. We were on a cruise to Sweden and kids really enjoyed being on a cruise liner. I spent good time relaxing in a cabin while kids were exploring the ship. We are also celebrating my son's 13th birthday this week. I can't believe I am a mother to a teenager. I also took a liberty to celebrate for my 13 years of motherhood and went out last night. My doctor specifically told me not to drink but I thought what harm could it do. Well, I regret it now. Alcohol doesn't suit me at all. Wish I understood my limits better. I guess it would be better for my illness not to drink. Anyway, this week has been great. My moods are allright and suicidal thoughts have decreased dramatically. I believe it's Lithium that evens out not just my moods but my thoughts too. I haven't taken any extra pills or cut myself. That's really something. Next week I'll be back at the ward as a day patient. I think that's very good. Next week is different from this one when the whole family has been at home. Hardest part of my day has been when the kids are at school and I am left alone so it's good I have hospital environment supporting me. It will be very hard for me to build a day routine. At the hospital I've been learning the basics again but I am not very confident I can keep up the routines at home. Just have to give it a try. Maybe write down on a paper to see if that helps. This post turned out more like a random rant. Maybe try to stick on one topic next week. Have a great weekend!
  8. nhaar

    Adults self-harm too

    My drinking has also been a form of self harm when I was younger. Still nowadays whenever I drink, I drink too much.
  9. nhaar

    Adults self-harm too

    Hear me out, I want to talk about something important. Adults self-harm too. I know it because I am a 34-year-old woman, married and a mother of three and I cut and abuse prescription medicines and other medicines. Self-harm is not just teenagers' previlege. It's not just childish attention seeking. People cut for various reasons. Sure some are doing it for attention but also to relieve anxiety, feeling of control, punish themselves or maybe they are hearing voices that tell to do so. For me cutting is a symptom of my manic-depressive illness. I am doing it because my brain constantly challenges me to do that. I don't hear voices, it's my own mind that makes me hurt myself. My brain is telling me to cut myself and I rarely can resist because my illness is in a very bad place right now. I am at home this weekend. I came on Friday and will go back to ward Sunday evening. Weekend has been very good except for constant battle against my brain. I am proud of myself that I haven't taken any extra pills. Cutting however has been an issue this weekend. I had promised myself that I would never cut my wrists or arms. This weekend it happened. I cut my wrist. And I cut deeper than before. I know I will have to tell this to a nurse and doctor. And I am so stressed out my family members to see what I have done. They wouldn't understand. To be honest, I am not sure how I will convince the doctor that my brain is making me do this. I am also having suicidal thoughts. Self-harm is different and is not related to suicidal thoughts. Just like self-harm thoughts my brain is feeding me ideas of k i l l i n g myself. I know both thoughts will fade away when I get better. If you are self-harming, seek for help. I would also like to hear from you if you find any of this familiar.
  10. I'll be allright. Yes, I believe in that. Things have gotten much better for me during couple of days. I've been very active. I socialize with other patients, go out for walks and take part in groups. Of course it wouldn't necessary apply at home but at least I am doing things to improve my health here in the hospital. I haven't been to home yet but I am going home on weekend. Maybe stay one night. A strange thing happened to me. I haven't been able to listen to music in so long but now I've made progress and found music very important again. I'm listening to my favorite artist, Bon Jovi. It got me through rough years or my youth so it means so much to me. I haven't been able to cry in months or even years because I've felt so empty. So this thing happened to me that listening to BJ made me cry. And I cried and cried and cried. I got connected to that person I used to be. It was like I was 18 all over again. I felt so lost, helpless, sad and angry. I believe this is significant progress. Something that was locked finally opened. "Hey, man I'm alive I'm takin' each day and night at a time I'm feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night" by Bon Jovi
  11. I am glad if anyone find this post helpful. @Depressedgurl007 it is exactly the way you thought. I find it so much easier to be here than at home where everything reminds me of things I fail.
  12. This is my fifth day in a hospital. I thought of writing you guys what it's like to be here. I am writing from North of Europe so my experience may be somewhat different from yours. I am having lot of trouble concentrating so let's see how I work this out. A typical day starts at 730am with a breakfast and distribution of morning meds. Nurses will wake you up and ensure you have some breakfast. After the breakfast and meds everybody gather in a common room for a morning info. A nurse tells about today's program and deal with a different topics like anxiety, feelings, sleep etc. Before a lunch you can participate in groups. There's different groups available from Monday to Friday. I haven't taken part in any yet but I have signed up for one group next week. It's for parents who have a mental illness. I think it deals with how to tell children about a mental illness. Lunch is served at 1130am. Food here is pretty good. At 130pm is coffee time. Coffee is not that good here but I get used to it. Coffee is very important for finns and I think we consume more coffee than any other nation. Or that's what I have read. Days go by quite slowly here. Meals are highlight of the day and set the pace of the day. There are some activities available like books, magazines, a computer, a tv, puzzles and of course socializing with other patients. Dinner is served at 430pm. This is not a closed ward so you can go outside for a walk, run errands, meet family and friends or visit home. You have to talk with your nurse if you want to go somewhere. I am not allowed to visit home this week because I am suicidal but I'll go tomorrow to my parents with my family. I think my sister is coming too with her family. I will be away for three hours and get back by six o'clock when I have to take meds. There is a nurse for every patient morning shift and evening shift. Nurses usually come to talk once during the shift but they are available if you need to talk more. There's three nurses on my team but I also meet other nurses than those three who are responsible of my treatment. A supper and evening meds are served at 730pm. Patients take care of serving it. Every room has a kitchen shift when they are responsible of serving the supper and cleaning up. It's part of the treatment. Some patients watch tv in the evening, some patients prefere staying in their rooms. I usually stay in my room. I talk with other patients when eating but I don't socialize much except with my roommate. My roommate doesn't spend much time in our room so I get to be here alone. My mood has been quite good here. I mostly feel safe and relieved here. My concentration and capacity are weak so I don't do much. I lie in my bed and message with friends and family. Or try to write on different forums like this. That is pretty much a typical day in a psychiatric ward. I hope I was able to give you a glimpse of my days. I will add some photos too.
  13. nhaar

    Back to ward

    I am back at the hospital. It was sooner and easier than I expected. Cutting and pill popping were about to get out of hands so I had to do something. I called my doctor and told her I need to be hospitalized. I am Lucky to have her as my doctor. She took care of everything so now I am safe and relieved. I will write more later. I just wanted to tell you guys that I am now where I am supposed to be right now.
  14. nhaar

    The appointment

    Hi Bulgakov, Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate that. I recieved ECT ten times on December and faced some memory loss and head ache after that. As soon as I recovered from anesthesia I felt much more energetic every time I got the treatment. Also my mood was better and it helped with anxiety and hypomanic symptoms. Even if the effect wouldn't last long, it will help me to proceed with my recovery. I believe I've made up my mind and will go to hospital. I can't bear that my kids have to see me like this. Here also you can check out from hospital whenever you want. But of course if a doctor won't agree, he or she could make you stay by psychiatric evaluation if you can't understand your own good.
  15. nhaar

    The appointment

    She was allright. The doctor, I mean. I met her for the first time and she totally heard and read me. I wish to stay with her. My doctors have been coming and going after every appointment. My thoughts are all over the place right now. The appointment raised so many questions and thoughts. The outcome was slightly different than expected. Good I guess however. We talked about ect, medication, hospital and sick leave. I was thinking of asking for two or three months sick leave but the doctor thought I need to take a real time-out. So, I got six months of more sick leave. I don't know what to think. I had already planned in my head how things would play out for me. This changes everything. The doctor suggested I should be back in a hospital. I was expecting it and hoping for that but I can't make that decision alone. This affects the whole family and I feel like I have to discuss with my husband and kids before making up my mind. The doctor will call me again next week about the decision. I really don't know what to do. If I go back to the ward I will get ect and new meds faster. The situation is that bad no changes on medication can be done without a safe environment. So either I wait and suffer or I go to hospital and leave my husband to take care of everything alone. I am afraid if I agree going to the hospital they will keep me weeks there. So lot of thinking needs to be done. Maybe making a list of cons and pros or just trusting my instinct. The doctor gave me time till Wednesday.
  16. nhaar

    January 22

    Tomorrow... The weeks I've been waiting for this have been horrible and felt so long. I am freaking out now... what if I won't get the treatment I am wishing for and see as the only way out? How will I survive this?
  17. Do you remember me setting some goals for October? Well, me either until I came across with them today when reading some old posts and thinking of my blog's future. Let's have a look at them right here and now. 1. I will only work three days a week as I have agreed on. I won't take extra hours, I won't stay late, I will prioritize healt over work. I did pretty good sticking with my shifts and not taking any extra hours. Well, part-time working only worked for me about three weeks until I was back on sick leave. 2. I will write my blogs part-time, posting less, two or three times a week. I wrote much less and without purpose. Actually I only wrote diary posts instead of any real blog posts. Simply because I was not up to it. 3. I will read at least five books. Reading helps to restore concentration. I didn't read a single book. Concentration - zero level. 4. I will actively search for means to manage and reduce my anxiety, other than drugs. Well, we all remember what happened with my drug using... 5. I will go outdoors more. Yeah right... 6. I will eat healthy and at least four times a day. I didn't eat at all so my body was dehydrated that led to lithium toxicacy. 7. I will see friends as often as I can. I had no interest in seeing anybody. 8. I will learn to love myself again and let go of anger and shame. This I can proudly tell I nailed it. I am pretty good terms with myself even if I am not doing good. 9. I'll stay with my meds and avoid excessive drinking. I have stayed with my meds and haven't enjoyed alcohol at all. 10. I will overcome my fears and spend time in my back yard even if I got hundred panic attacks. Well, this didn't played out so well. Okay, what do you think? I think I was quite optimistic and didn't see what was coming towards me. I am going to share some new goals and hopes I have for this year.
  18. nhaar

    January 22

    This needs to end. I mean this situation that is going on with me. This depression. I need an ending. I can't go on like this. My family can't go on like this. A school nurse called me today to pick up my kid in the middle of the school day. She wasn't feeling allright. Two hours later her teacher emailed me about her recent mood swings. She is seven years old. She should be happy and carefree. The teacher wrote that my kid fights with her friends, refuses to participate, is either apathetic or overly enthusiastic and happy. Sounds a bit too familiar... She is reacting to my situation. I will talk with her later and email to her teacher but talking won't resolve this. I need to get better. I need to get off the bed. I need to be me and not a slave to my illness. I am counting hours to a doctor's appointment. It's on Friday. I've been struggling and waiting for weeks. I need that ECT. It's the only treatment that has an immediate effect. Medication is important too but I need results now. I've already taken blood tests and EKG. Everything was okay so no physical obstacles for ECT. It's now up to my psychiatrist. I need to convince her I need that ECT. My family needs that ECT. I recieved ECT ten times on December. It helped a great deal. It helped with depression and anxiety and even took away hypomanic symptoms. I felt so much better during the treatment and a week after. I know the results won't last long. Depression came back as soon as ECT ended. Now, weeks after, anxiety and delusions are coming back. I've also had few hypomanic days. So I know it won't help long but I need couple of good weeks to get started with recovery process. My sick leave is also coming to and end. I thought of asking three more months. That should cover recovery unless I can't fight off depression or will face a manic or mixed episode. I put all my hope in ECT. If I won't get the treatment, I don't know what to do.
  19. nhaar

    January 18

    I like that idea of three faces. It says it's okay to have three faces. No need to feel bad about it. Besides it pretty much how it is.
  20. nhaar

    January 18

    I am sharing a photo today. I am not expecting 'likes' or comments. If I wanted those I would have shared the photo on Fb or Instagram. But I didn't. The reason I wanted to share my picture is that it made me think a lot today about how we control what kind of a picture we want to give other people about our lives. You know I haven't been well for a long time. Yesterday was a disaster but today is better. I believe that how you start your day will determine the rest of your day. I should use that more only if I had strenght to do so. Anyways, I forced myself to do something I haven't done much lately - to take care of myself. I washed my face, brushed my hair and put on make-up to feel pretty. From the outside I turned to a different person. That got me thinking how deceiving the looks can be. I mean would you have guessed the girl in the picture wrote a s*icide letter yesterday? Would you believe she has scars of selfharm all over her body? That she couldn't get off the bed yesterday and hasn't brushed her teeth for three days? If I posted the picture in social media I wouldn't use hastags like #depression #mentalillness #bipolar or #selfharm. No, I would use hastags like #happy #friday #finnishgirl and no-one would ever know the truth. I am grateful for all those people who has courage to work for mental illness awareness. I am not brave. I share pretty picture and fool everybody. That's what I do. You can't make assumptions by how a person looks like. We all wear masks and decide how much we show. Some are braver than others. Someone who looks nice outside could be struggling everyday for her/his life. How much do you reveal?
  21. nhaar

    January 12

    Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate it as I enjoy writing a lot. I actually recieved same kind of comment when I first write this in my native language in other site.
  22. nhaar

    January 12

    My life is ugly. Cooking a dinner was my only achievement today. That was too almost an impossible task. Just like getting off a bed. I sat there on a stool in front of a stove because I was simply too weak to stand. While I sat there and waited the dinner cooking I explored a fridge door. Lots of hideous souvenir magnets: New York, Barcelona, Washington DC, London, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Alanya and a Cruise liner to Stockholm. Most of them feel like forever ago and most of them are. Was that really my life back then? How different things are now. The hideous souvenir magnets are holding lot of papers. The papers of my chaotic life. My life truly is in chaos right now. Three schedules of all my kids, some dental papers, kids' appointments, an old family photo and some coupons. All my life there pinned on the fridge door, past and now. Happy moments and chaos. I stir my cooking and study my left palm. I find some deep lines. I remember they all have a name but the only one I can recall is Life Line. I'm not sure which one is the Life Line. Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I grasp a knife from a dishwasher. The knife is shiny and quite new. Also sharp. I've hold a knife before like this. Wanting and thirsting. I press the tip of the knife on my left palm and make a cut, a new Life Line. There is so little life in me righ now, I need another Life Line. I don't actually believe in that sh*t. I just wanted to feel a steel blade cut my skin. Simply as that. I watch the blood. It's magnetic. The cut is more like a scratch. It won't leave a scar. It will heal quickly like it never was there. The kids are behind a wall in a living room. My husband is behind other wall in a shower. I sit on the stool in a messy kitchen string the food and looking at my new Life Line. Nothing moves inside me. I don't feel. This is my life today.
  23. nhaar

    January 11

    Things haven't improved for me during the last couple of days. I spend most of my day in bed. I get up in the morning and go back to bed as soon as the kids have left for school. I stay in bed all day except when I get up to make dinner. The weather has been amazing but I don't go out. Kids have been asking me to take them skating or skiing but I have no energy. It's so pretty outside and I love winter and snow but I am missing all winter fun. Maybe I feel better next month. My doctor called me today. I met my therapy contact yesterday and she asked the doctor to call me. The doctor wasn't willing to make any changes to my medication but we talked about ECT. We decided to continue ect. I am very happy with that because it really did help me, it just ended too soon. I am hopeful now that things will get better for me and this year will be succesful for me in many ways.
  24. nhaar

    January 5

    By far 2019 has treated me just like the last year. It hasn't been an easy start for this new year. I've got lots of hope but not many expectations. Today is a lot easier. I am able to write. I have been able to achieve quite many things actually. Small things maybe for someone else but for me going to a mall with the family is a huge deal. Or getting off the bed is really something. I haven't been able to do anything lately. I sleep around the clock and won't get up. I just lie there. I am physically so exhausted that I can't stand or walk. Anxiety is killin me. My heart is hurting. It's bleeding. I pop pills too much. I can't stand the reality. I want to sleep so I won't feel. I've taken pretty much all drugs I could find at home. It's getting out of hands again. I met a nurse earlier this week. She thought that I should be back at the ward. I know that's the only safe place for me right now but I don't want to go back just yet. I can still manage somehow at home. I have to. I need to be at home for my husband and kids. Though I am no use here. I have a doctor's appointment in three weeks but I am not sure if I can make it so long. I need something stronger for anxiety. I would probably use any drug wrong right now but I just can't deal with this. I'm afraid if I go to an emergency room they'll send me for a psychiatric evaluation and that's a ticket back to psych ward. I am not living, I am barely surviving.
  25. nhaar

    December 31

    For me a change of scenery has always helped me to forget about my suffering. I was horrified when I learned about the trip to US because I thought I was too ill to travel. But it turned out allright. I had great two weeks and I crushed right after returning home. But it was worth it.
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