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nhaar last won the day on October 15 2017

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About nhaar

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  1. nhaar

    November 29 (ward day 27)

    It's been almost four weeks and I am not doing any better. I am feeling slightly suicidal today. I've recieved ECT twice and tomorrow again. I need it to work. My husband can't handle everything alone.
  2. nhaar

    November 23 (ward day whatever)

    Has it been three weeks, eh? Who cares anymore. It's been a good day after, well, not so good day. Yesterday was pretty rough. All I could think of was go onto tracks and get hit by a train. Train - easy access and doesn't fail you. Today I found some meaning in life so I decided to live. At least this one day. See if tomorrow will be different. ECT hasn't started yet. Maybe Monday they said. Maybe. I am little nervous about anesthesia and had the first nightmare last night. On the other hand, if things don't go right that's just a favor for me. An easy way out. They will be giving me the treatment 6 to 12 times, three times a week. That's a lot of anesthesia. Well it's light and very short but anyway it's making me nervous. Have a great weekend, I try, too, to stay alive.
  3. nhaar

    November 20 (ward day 18)

    My depression has become worse which you probably have guessed because of fewer diary posts. The meds are no use but fortunately ECT starts on Friday or Monday. I am very releaved with this decision. ECT gives me little hope I need right now. I am basically totally hopeless and suicide thoughts have occupied my mind whether I like it or not. Also my dreams are all about death. So that's the latest news. The ward continues...
  4. nhaar

    November 16

    I am at home today. Came in the morning and will go back to hospital by 7 pm. I don't feel good. I am a wreck. Half alive, half dead. Totally hopeless. I just can't see things change for better. Life is random and pointless. It's just bad luck and against odds to be born to this world. There is no purpose. No greater good. Just space that is at the same time empty and everything. Without purpose. As pointless as life. Our life is as meaningful as an ant's life. We keep going on for something we don't even understand. Our time here is limited. When the human race becomes extinct life goes on somewhere else in the space. Nobody will remember us. We'll just disappear. Just like that our life becomes pointless. Like it never existed. EDIT: I am not doing any better than two weeks ago. At the hospital I can't really tell the difference but now at home I see the reality. Still a prescription meds abuser. Still weak and indifferent towards life. I hope my head clears before going back to ward. EDIT2: Wow, some serious thinking above. Quite limited and black and white views. I am ashamed of how weak I was today though I had the nerve to tell my nurse I took meds. Today was a total failure.
  5. nhaar

    November 14 (ward day 12)

    It's been a couple of rough days. I didn't return to any messages or couldn't write yesterday. I have mostly been really depressed. No hypomania since last week. For me depression is not sadness or really low mood. It's indifference towards life and lack of functional capacity. Sometimes anxiety and negative thoughts like worthless, guilt and shame. When it gets really bad I can't move or talk. Day before I sat in my bed and stared a wall for hours. I was there but I was absent. Today is too early to tell but I believe today will be hard too. I walked to a department store nearby and bought some wool yesterday. I decided to start knitting socks. It started okay but now I am struggling with giving up. My mind instantly turned against itself when I purchased the wool. Telling me things like "don't bother trying", "you never gonna success", "why did you even buy wool", "you are not good enough". I am too exhaused to write more. I will edit and report if anything comes up.
  6. nhaar

    November 12 (ward day 10)

    Yesterday sure was hard. I am not sure why I wrote that but those words just came to my mind.
  7. nhaar

    November 12 (ward day 10)

    All I do is stare at wall I cannot move, cannot call I don't feel or care Please let me fall
  8. nhaar

    November 11 (ward day 9)

    Thank you JD for your comment. Yes, I like to think so too that my English is pretty fluent. Writing in English comes pretty naturally. I believe that the first visit at home is hard for everybody. Maybe next one goes better.
  9. nhaar

    November 11 (ward day 9)

    It's Father's Day here in Finland. I visited home, my parents' and my own. I thought it would be hard but didn't expect it to be this hard. It was nice to see everybody. My family, my parents and my sister's family. I really stepped up my game, chose nice clothes and brushed my hair and, of course, prepared emotionally. I was all good spirit, chatty, smiley and whatever people expect me to be. About half an hour I talked, listened, paid attention, and joked with my sister's husband (that's our thing) untill I was totally exhausted. The kids were like always. They seemed to overcome the absence of their mother and accepted the current situation. They didn't even notice me. They were attracted by their 2-year-old cousin. Everything was so normal. Everything went on like always except for my life that is on pause. I had a brief moment to spend at home. Half an hour to be exact before we had to take my daughter to her gymnastics practise. The team is rehearsing for a Christmas show. I felt overwhelmed at home. I cried and I cried more when my husband took me back to hospital after dropping off our daughter. Everything felt so unfamiliar yet everything was the same. The house was the same, the kids were the same, things waiting to get done at home were the same. World outside the hospital looked so different though. I didn't recognize it. It was scary, cold (not just literally) and unreal. It was like I was watching the world spinning and life happening from some different reality. I felt I didn't belong there. Now back at hospital I feel tired but safe. Being here feels safe. This hospital and this ward protect me from outside world. It came pretty clear to me that this is where I need to be right now. I am not ready to go back to my old life.
  10. nhaar

    November 10 (ward day 8)

    I am calm. Maybe little sleepy. It took a lot of drugs to calm me down yesterday and make me sleep. Even strong sleeping pill didn't stop me. But eventually I fell asleep and had pretty decent night sleep. The ward is quiet in the weekend. Half of the patients have gone to home for the weekend. They'll be back on Sunday evening. I get to go home tomorrow for few hours. Tomorrow is Father's Day here. We are gathering to celebrate it at my parents house. My sister and her family will come too and my brother will be there too. Should be nice. I think I will be either tired or hypomanic after seeing the family. It's good nurses don't let me go home for more than few hours. It's reasonable. I think I'll try and stay in my room today. Trying to avoid anything that could trigger hypomania. Though I think it's pure chemistry now. No triggers. I think it's either this minimun medication I am on now or antidepressant that can cause mania with bipolar disorder patients. I'll have an doctor's appointment on Tuesday, maybe figure out then what is the next step we take with medication. This is all for now. I edit and report any significant changes of my mood. Wish you all nice and relaxing weekend. EDIT: 2 pm anxiety. I am afraid of hypomania. I have laid low today. EDIT2: 5 15pm still calm. Good. EDIT3: 8 50pm slightly hypomanic. Feeling super. Not many physical symptoms. Dangerous.
  11. nhaar

    November 9 (ward day 7)

    I am hypomanic again. Also fever again. Gotta do something! Got some meds for hypo, will take later more for sleeping.
  12. nhaar

    November 9 (ward day 7)

    Yes, I talk with my "roommate" and some other patients too. I am shy and anxious with people I don't know but I am slowly warming up. A patient I share my room with is a 68-year-old woman. I think her like she were my grannie here. We talk quite much. She has a son of my age that's why she is fond of me. Yesterday when I was slightly hypomanic and feeling chatty I basically told her my life story without saving any dirty details. I talked about three hours and she listened. Oh gosh feeling like an idiot now.
  13. nhaar

    November 9 (ward day 7)

    I was slightly hypomanic yesterday, had to take some sedatives. I slept well however with an assistance of drugs. I am calm today thanks to good night sleep. I am kind of inbetween moods. Not really sure what comes next, depressed or hypomanic mood. Or maybe anger. I don't want to do anything. I open some messages but I don't want to answer. I try to sleep but I don't want to take a nap. I don't know what I want to do. Probably nothing. Maybe I just lie here and do nothing. Everything disgust me. People, food, medication, this ward, this day, this time, myself. I can't focus. I can't read a magazine, watch tv or listen to music. Too much stimulus. Can't do it. Just can't. EDIT: current state at 8 30pm HYPOMANIC. Note to self: Do not open your mouth when hypomanic. Go hide. Shut up. And be good.
  14. nhaar

    November 7 (ward day 5)

    Yes, I do share my nurse with few patients. Actually my nurse came to talk with me that same day and it was a good talk. We talked about my fears regarding this treatment and other stuff. This particular nurse is really top of her game. I am glad I have her as my nurse.
  15. nhaar

    November 8 (ward day 6)

    The drugs helped and I had pretty decent night sleep. I am still enjoying this calm sensation before hypo takes over.