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nhaar

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  1. Update

    Things have gotten much better for me during the last week. Anxiety is still there and I am afraid of it actually getting a tighter hold of me but depression is fading away. I don't know which one is better - severe depression with mild anxiety or mild depression with severe anxiety. For me it's always either or. I guess that comes with being bipolar. Anyway, for me reduced depression means that... I get off the bed and stay up all day. Suicidal thoughts and other negative thoughts about myself are gone. I am able to recieve love and I am growing interest in other people. I have energy and will to get things done. ... just to name a few. I believe I owe to lamotrigine. Finally medication that takes the edge off from depression without making me hypomanic. I have also been able to get rid off quetiapine in order to sleep. I just wish I could use it daytime to help me with anxiety but it makes me too sleepy. I guess I have to bring out the benzos which is against better judgement. The work question is still causing me stress. I don't know what to do. Maybe making a list of cons and pros would help with my decision. Getting a new job won't be an issue, it's letting go of the old one. I still have three weeks left of my sick leave. I must come to some kind of solution before that. I feel like I need a fresh start but it's so scary.
  2. Maybe tomorrow I'll go outside

    Today I am hiding. I am hiding in my bed under the blanket. I have covered my head with a hoodie. Curtains will remain closed today and I won't let my children play outside. There is a danger. A great unreal danger. It's all in my head but it's real to me. I am having a panic attack. I have two kinds of attacks. The one where I can't breathe and I'm afraid of loosing control (I run) and then this... a fear of great danger (I hide). My heart is beating so heavily it hurts. I have chest pains, my head is humming and my fingers and toes go numb. I am afraid of being seen. If I am seen by other people, they could say things that would hurt me. I am not good enough and they are better people than I am. I remember my first attack like this. It was just like this but the threat was real. I was at home alone with my youngest brother. I was fourteen and my brother was only two years old. I was babysitting him like I often did. At the time being Grandma was having a manic episode. She was delusional and at our door constantly, no matter if it was night or day. She didn't sleep and she thought she was connected with God. God told her to tell things to her precious grand-daughter. Some of the things she told me were horrible. Once again she was ringing a doorbell. I could tell it was her. She had phoned me already about twenty times that day. If I had been alone, I would have let her in. But I didn't want my baby brother to be exposed to this insanity. Granny kept ringing the doorbell and looking through windows. I was panicking because my baby brother was crying constantly. He was scared. I needed to protect him so we hide. I found a corner where we couldn't be seen through any window. We sat there and held each other until Grandma gave up and left. I think I keep living that moment again and again. I have to hide and protect me and my children. I ask my girls to play little more quiet and turn off the lights. I don't want to be seen. I want to be safe. I know this will pass. Writing about it took the edge off. Whenever having this kind of panic attack I cope by hiding and focusing on my phone. I usually look at calming photography but this time I decided to write. I will survive and I will take my kids to a fun park tomorrow. But not today. I just can't.
  3. Tired

    My mind is tired. I'm tired of thinking what is the right step to take. Which path I should choose? Nothing feels right. I need answers. I have no words. I am too tired to write.
  4. South as South Goes

    I hope you find help in melatonine. It could be coincident yes, but let's stay positive. Do you know what happens to me whenever I post a new entry? Next day I can't even recognize myself in the words I have written. I also feel like the blog is the dumbest idea ever. Actually I was just about to erase the whole blog but then I read your post and it made me think it's the depression talking to me. Writing helps so keep going.
  5. London calling!

    I just might have booked a flight to London with a friend who I have actually never met face to face. No, not the friend I have mentioned before, this is another friend. I have this chat group with bunch of mothers for ten years or so. I will be traveling with one of my fellow mamas. I am sure we will get along just fine. She likes w-i-n-e too so it's settled. The trip will take place on January so I have plenty of time to improve my health before that. Unless this impulsive act is the first sign of manic period then I hope it will last till our trip. Be as it may - London, I am on my way! Edit: Definitely hypomania. I can't sleep. I need to do something. Edit#2: I have ironed all the linen. What next? It's 01:25am here but I can't sleep. Please tell me someone else is going through this too! Edit#3: I slept the whole 30 minutes during the night before waking up on nightmares. Then finally 06:30 am I fell asleep and woke up eight o'clock. My eyes and head feels little tired but I'm definitely ready for action!
  6. Relationship status: incapable

    I broke my rules for him and let him into my world. He could only see what I let him to see and whenever I let him see more, he couldn't understand or handle it. Well people make mistakes. What goes around, comes around. If I only could have let him see me at the first place we didn't have to go through this again. Why do you reject me? Why don't you let me touch? We got engaged after three months of dating. I didn't love him but I thought I could give it a try. I mean why not? It could be fun! I was tired of waking up next to random men whose name I would never recall again. We had some good moments but it was clear that it would never work out. Time went on. He loved me more than anything and he thought I had saved him. I destroyed myself by saving him. My whole life was a lie. We got three beautiful children. The children distracted us from the real issues. At some point I thought I was happy. Things were allright as long as we didn't address the problems between us. We got married after nine years of engagement. After all, both of our families had waited the big day so long. On my wedding day, I was distant and I knew I was making a huge mistake. He was the luckiest man on Earth and I faked the biggest smile ever. The wedding reception was perfect. Now on the fifth year of our marriage, I hope he would give up on me and find somebody who deserves him and set me free. Why does he love me when I am not capable of recieving love or giving any effort on this so called relationship? He thinks I have saved him but he is living in a big lie called marriage. I made some progress though this morning when we were having a conflict. Once again I told him I am not capable of relationship. He refuses to believe that. I emphasized my argument by telling him I am afraid of intimacy. That's the way I am. And it's not just him. For the first time I said it out loud that even holding my children causes me anxiety and makes me uncomfortable. I think he got it this time.
  7. Hundred percent fake guaranteed

    Fake. Yes, that's me. Hundred percent fake guaranteed. Why is it so hard to be me? Why am I so scared to be me? Afraid of not being enough? Afraid of being hurt? Why is it so hard to let people close? Is it too late to learn to show who I really am? Here I am. This is real me writing these words. The photo is real too. Except for the fake smile and filters of course. That smile I have faked all my life. And they bought it. Fools.
  8. Officially bipolar

    It's official now. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder. New medication, new life hopefully. I know it's not that simple though. Finding the right balance may take a while. After all it took fifteen years to get the right diagnosis so only God knows how long it will take finding right pills and right dosage. I was pretty certain about being bipolar even though that thought didn't occur to me until few months ago. Actually it was an online friend of mine who told me that I was manic. We have never met in real life but he reads me like an open book. Actually it was him who told me to see a doctor fifteen years ago and get my depression treated. And I did. I was prescribed anti-depressants which set off the rollercoaster ride. I've ridden so many laps that I feel nauseous. This is a turnover in my life. Now that I have taken the first step on getting better I have to follow through. I have to make some changes. The hardest thing will be letting go. My life will never be the same again. First of all I need to stop guarding myself and let people to see real me. For that I may need some psychotherapy but then so be it. I am planning to write a letter to my parents and explain my situation. Maybe will write my friends too. All my life I have faked a smile for them and they either believed or just didn't care. How can I trust them again? How can I trust that I am good enough the way I am?
  9. The climate change. Important subject to talk about! No, I am not actually going to write you about that. I am going to tell you what it has got to do with my weekend. I was feeling really down yesterday until it hit me again. Wow! Out of nowhere. In minutes I was loaded with dangerous amount of energy. You all know what that means. No, I didn't cheat on the hubby this time! But I grew a huge interest in the climate change. I decided to become a vegan and found it very important to inform my friends and family about the climate change. I wonder if they found my message odd because I didn't get many responses. But my concern was real. I feel confident about next week. There is a slight possibility I get to start medication. This week my nurse started to run diagnostics on me. I was interviewed with pages and more pages of questions. Answering all those questions made me realize I really do have some serious issues to deal with in order to continue my life and make it worth living. The tests indicated to bipolar disorder but my nurse was more concerned about my anxiety and two psychotic periods in my life. She promised to get back to me on Monday when she has disgussed about the tests with my doctor. So keep your fingers crossed! Finally things are going forward.
  10. How to pour from an empty cup?

    To be a good mother while my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I've ever had to play. I did everything. I gave all I had to give. I loved, I nurtured, I was their best friend, a mother and a father when my husband couldn't be. I had never felt pain like that before. But that's what mothers do. I pushed away my illness and hide all that pain behind my smile. My heart and mind was shattered in million pieces. Now it's been a while. My husband eventually got better too and grew up a pretty good father. Now he has been taking care of everything because I can't. But he is tired. He needs rest and a break from my illness. The kids also need a break from my illness. They all need me to be me. A mother who carries her babies on her shoulders when they are too tired to walk. A wife that takes care of her husband when he gets ill. I must stop being sick. I've done that before, I can do it again. I will smile and my eyes will shine when I hide the pain. Because I must. That's how you pour from an empty cup. Today I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I cried until my heart was so numb I couldn't feel anything. No more tears, my heart is frozen.
  11. Calcination

    Calcination (noun) The stage in our lives when we start seeing the tricks, illusions, misleading beliefs, and harmful habits of our egos and put them aside so that we can finally explore what lies underneath. A big word. Big thoughts. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I keep going when I needed to stop? Why did nobody intervene? I seriously thought I've led quite a normal and peaceful life. I mean happy childhood, nothing traumatic nor too dramatic. I've lived in perception that what contributed to my illness was merely more than qualities of my nature and bad genes. It's all coming together now. More clearly than ever before. My doctor prescribed me three more weeks of sick leave. I understand that I have to overcome some harmful thinking patterns in order to get better. I feel like I don't have time. It's too late. I will return to work too early and all this is just waste of time and society's resources. It will get worse if I can't or want to make changes. How will this end?
  12. Black

    So today my mind is black again. Just like that. Just like switching off a light. I can tell the exact time when it happened and there were absolutely no triggers. None. I was perfectly happy and embracing the life and then I wasn't. I will see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe she has some ideas what to do with this. Whatever it is, it has to stop.
  13. Confessions

    So, things got out of control last night. Again. My mood has switched to green light and I am speeding up. So I ended up going out last night with my friend and bunch or her friends. I haven't seen anybody in weeks and I have blocked all my friends and my parents. I haven't returned to messages or answered my phone so this was a big step. Whether it was a good or bad step, I can't tell yet. I've learned recently that when the green light is on I lose my judgement. And it gets worse every time. Ok here it goes, I'm going to tell you about recent episodes honestly and straight. If you have read my blog entry "introduction" you may know that I am happily married. Don't bother to judge my actions because I don't care. I've got an online relationship. This relationship has lasted on and off for 16 years. We used to be madly in love when we were kids but nowdays it's a very intimate friendship. Now you are probably thinking of what's the big deal. Seriously not a biggie. Sex on skype and sending (dirty) **** pictures, not a biggie either. I mean everybody does it, right? Two months ago I slept with one of my employees. Never had sex with a girl before. I loved it! I contacted her last night and suggested if we did it again. I have no sense of doing anything wrong. As long as it stays a secret, nobody gets hurt. Last night at a pub I ended up kissing with a guy. Omg he was such a cute guy from very North. I was going to leave the pub with him, but his friends stopped him from doing it. What a pity. I had some compulsive thoughts that made me behave like I did. These thoughts told me that life is too short, you don't even know if you are here next week so let go and f***ing do it. This morning after waking up next to my hubby, who I by the way made really happy last night, I came to a realization of uploading Tinder last night. A huge mistake, way too risky. Still... you know the thrill right? When your Tinder match sends you a message... Life is too short right?
  14. Introduction

    Thought I could give you an introduction. I don't know if anyone is actually reading my posts but I introduce myself anyway because I am super awesome and you should definitely know more about me. Feel free to say "hi" if you are reading this. I am a woman in my early thirties from North of Europe. I am a mother of three (children aged 11, 8, 6), a wife, a friend, a boss you name it. When I am at my lowest I'm a failure and never good enough. When I hit my highs... well, let's put it this way... if you like adventures, you want to get to know me. I grew up in a happy family with both parents and two younger siblings. Already at a very young age I was controlling, neurotic, reserved and guarded. Perfection was the only way of doing things. Maybe it was my qualities that led to a depression at the age of thirteen. Since then my life has been a struggle. I've been able to achieve a lot anyway. Now the hardest part is not being able to enjoy all that I have gained with hard work and persistence. At adult age I've gotten new friends like panic disorder, anxiety disorder and now possibly bipolar disorder. My current state is severe, psychotic depression but I think I've gotten rid of all psychotic symptoms by now. I am very capable of self-reflection and pay a great interest in analysing my behavior. Actually that is the only thing I am able to do most days. I am on a sick leave from my work. I spend about four hours a day from Monday to Friday in the hospital at group therapy. I also meet a doctor and a nurse once a week. I don't know how long this intense treatment is going to last but I am happy about not being hospitalized around the clock. That would be unbearable for me and my kids. I have never been away from them more than a day or two. Please let me know if your story is even a little bit similar to mine.
  15. Good news

    Today has been a good day. A good day in a boring kind of way. See, I have only experienced extreme highs and lows during the past two years but today was different. Good, boring and peaceful. I even made some plans of buying some autumn flowers for the porch tomorrow. Therefore, there must be tomorrow. Also something switched inside me today. I'm finally starting to accept my current situation which is a major contribution to getting better. I understood significance of group therapy. Suddenly I found the group comforting. We are all very different people with very different backgrounds but we share the same thoughts and feelings. There is understanding that you can't even imagine to have between your loved ones if they haven't gone through the same. I mean, you can't have a lunch conversation like this with your folks: "So, how are you guys doing today?" - "I'm having a really bad day. I don't know how I will survive this day. I just want to die, you know." - "I totally feel you. I wrote a suicide note last night but I saved it for some other day."