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About all_riled_up

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  1. Please ignore my empty response above, I was responding to some troll was on here earlier and it looks like he was deleted (yay!)
  2. obsessed with my breathing

    Hi Lilnewk! My heart goes out to you for going through this, especially while you're pregnant! Hopefully you're able to find relief through these forums: you're no alone in the struggle against depression/ anxiety/ OCD! For starters, do you see a general practitioner for your medication or a psychiatrist? A psychiatrist could be a great resource for you to lean on right now, as they've seen every kind of disorder manifestation in the book! This may be particularly helpful for you since you say you have a history of OCD, so you may need assistance in breaking old habits (I know I have). I also suffer from OCD tendencies, so I very much understand your concern & the feeling of "if I don't do this right now something terrible will happen." I've had a similar experience with loud heartbeats, especially when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep. You said that this has happened in the past, so remember that you've gotten through it before, and you can certainly get through it now! You're stronger than the intrusive thoughts! Plus you've been to the ER & everything checked out, so fall back on that knowledge if you get nervous! Also, the fact that you're so aware that it's in your head is very useful! Imagine you're putting a spotlight on your anxiety and saying "I see you there, and I know you're just anxiety. You won't fool me into thinking it's something worse." If you're able to exercise maybe consider going for a walk or something similar to get your heart rate up: it might feel nice to have your heart rate increase because you're exercising and not because you're hyper focused on it. As far as what's best to get rid of the intrusive thoughts, it's really a person to person thing: if distraction works well for you then you should capitalize on that! Something else you can look into that's helped me is guided meditation (you learn that not all thoughts are worthy of your energy). And in general try not to put all your eggs in one basket: I remember when my anxiety was really bad I'd get a new "relaxation tea" and then if it didn't calm me down I was even more distraught. The likelihood is that one thing won't help fix it, but trying new strategies and accumulating tools along the way will! Hope you start to feel relief soon!
  3. I'm not religious, so I've found that having faith in other people is really therapeutic for me. There's no denying that there are some bad people out there who do terrible things, but there are just as many (hopefully more) honest, genuine, good people, and they're the ones I try to pay attention to whenever I feel jaded about mankind. I know this may seem kind of naive and stereotypical ("look for the good in others", etc.) but when you start applying it to your everyday life you notice the good more. I've tried to pay more attention to the things that people do to help others, especially those they don't know. For example, the people who were at the concert in Las Vegas & could have run away (nobody would have blamed them for doing so) but instead they kept running into the fray to help people out of the line of fire. Or the thousands of nurses and carpenters and electricians who flew to Puerto Rico to help with the recover efforts. Hearing about these things restore my faith in humanity piece by piece and help me understand how worthwhile life is. As far as personal existential crises go, I've also been there. I study space as a hobby, and had always enjoyed that awestruck realization of just how big the universe is... until this summer when I had my first depressive episode. I was laying in bed fighting insomnia & reading about the vastness of space when suddenly it occurred to me that I am so, so small, and in my lifetime I might only see 1/4 of this planet (if I'm lucky), never mind our solar system or galaxy, and that weight of the unattainable was crushing. And I have to admit, it took me several months to move past it, and in that time I could hardly look up at the moon or the stars without feeling a panic attack come on. But in a weird way the thing I was afraid of was what helped me feel better: yes the universe is enormous, and despite being infinitesimal as I am, I get to be alive to experience it. So I try to think about that anytime I feel down or disheartened about life, because in the very least I get to be here. And ghostwriter89 put it really well: the point of life is to find the joy in it :)
  4. Just wanting support

    Hi Breakingjr! Glad to hear you're doing well, I can only imagine what a relief that must be compared to when you first posted this topic! And congrats on almost hitting 2 months!! That's really impressive, sticking with a medication is challenging on its own, let alone having to wait out the depression too. I definitely started missing my morning coffee as well, and not even for the caffeine! I just wanted the routine and I love the taste of coffee. So I've been making myself a cup of decaf every morning for about a month now and it's been really wonderful to have that to look forward to again. If you notice caffeine still being an issue maybe you can opt for decaf instead! But otherwise that's awesome that it's working so well for you! I'm sorry to hear that you missed your therapy appts, it sounds like you're really busy! Sometimes being busy like that is its own kind of therapy, you know? You're too focused on work to be distracted by the anxiety/ depression: I've noticed myself enjoying work & actually looking forward to it because I don't obsess over my mental health the way I do watching tv at home. Tomorrow will be my 3 week mark on the zoloft and I've been feeling really great, I'd say 80% back to normal! I'm so thankful that I switched from the lexapro, which admittedly was helping some but nothing compared to this. I feel like I'm slowly getting my life back and it's such a relief. And hearing your continued success with it makes me all the more optimistic that it'll continue :D
  5. That's really funny, since I've never played DnD I was blithely unaware of any inaccuracies haha. I'm glad you were still able to enjoy it though, I know how those pet peeves can ruin an otherwise fine show/ movie. One of my hobbies is studying NASA so any movie with inaccurate space travel irks me to no end. And not fictional space travel like Star Wars or Star Trek, those are fine: it's really just anything that tries to mimic real space travel but doesn't do it accurately. Armageddon is one such offender lol. I've never played Harvest Moon but it is indeed very similar to Animal Crossing as far as having a community of townspeople and farming. I would DEFINITELY say it's more along the lines of Farmville, but without the gimmicks or micro-transactions. The great part about Stardew is that it's designed to be very relaxed, so neighbors won't ruin your stuff or anything. There are buffers built in so you don't get stressed out about stuff (for example, your plants won't die if you forget to water them, they just won't bear fruits/ veggies until you do). And this is just my opinion but I think there's a lot more to do in Stardew compared to AC: I've played about 50 hours so far and Steam is showing that I'm only at 20% completion, if that gives you an idea of the scope of the game. And yes! The way you explain the sense of community is great, just knowing that you're not alone makes a world of difference! I hope it's been helping you & that you're doing well!
  6. SSRIs & hair loss?

    Thanks lonelyforeigner! I should probably just get some blood work done anyway, I've suspected for a while that I'm anemic and I've heard that can cause hair loss too -___-
  7. Hi all! I started taking an SSRI this summer in combination with trazodone for sleep & the very occasional klonopin; I've been noticing a lot of hair in my brush/ near the drain in my shower. Is this a typical side effect of antidepressants? Or maybe the depression itself? Or is it something more sinister that I should pay attention to?
  8. Just wanting support

    Hi bigbee! You're not alone at all! It's so nice to have camaraderie through this forum! Is this your first antidepressant? I had terrible start-up side effects with my first AD, and my psychiatrist said that most people who've never taken medication before can feel particularly sick. I found that the majority of my side effects went away within about 5-7 days so I hope you have the same experience! And YES! Insomnia was one of the worst depression symptoms/ AD side effects for me & I've found a few tools along the way to help! -Before bed try to avoid screen time & opt for a book or magazine instead. -Invest in a soothing tea (caffeine free/ herbal) to help you unwind. -If you notice your symptoms are worse after caffeine, maybe consider cutting caffeine from your diet (I found that it helped me sleep better but also made my daytime anxiety easier). -If you notice noises are keeping you up/ waking you up, get a noise machine (I got mine from Amazon for about $20) to drown them out -If you find yourself watching the sun slowly rise, get a sleeping mask (again, mine's from Amazon for about $10) -For the night sweats try to sleep with layered blankets so you can peel them off throughout the night I actually take trazodone as well and had the same experience as you, it didn't work very well at first. But after about 1-2 weeks I saw significant improvement! Do you think that the buzzy/ panicky feeling cmight be from the sertraline instead of the trazodone? I take 100 mgs of the traz but haven't noticed those side effects. Breakingjr I'm so happy that you're having a nice Thanksgiving! I'm relieved to hear the jitters are gone, as I'm still experiencing those. That's very true, not many people think of mental health issue as you would any other health issue, one which may require medication for a while. I really hope you have success with therapy, keep us posted!
  9. Hi All Plaid Out! Welcome to the forums, I hope it gives you the sense of community it's given me! We actually have a lot in common: I'm also a 25yo woman (but in the US), and I'm also new to getting professional help despite having had anxiety since I can remember & depression a little more recently. I also take Sertraline and I'm on week two and things are going well so far! I don't play DND although I love the Community episodes about it (if you're looking for a new tv show to try I recommend it, it's really entertaining). I DO however video game, although I only play Stardew Valley so I guess I'm not much of a gamer. I do enjoy watching my fiance play however, and he likes Overwatch, pubg, and a new game like pubg whose name escapes me haha. I actually owe it to him that I play Stardew Valley: when my anxiety started getting really bad this summer he researched calming/ stress-free games and got me this one because it's well regarded & very tranquil (which I can attest to). I know it's based on gaming style/preference but maybe you can look into it too and see if you enjoy it! That's actually why I joined this forum too, and also to read about others' experiences & success stories whenever I start to feel isolated with my mind. Everyone has been very kind and understanding in the sense that they've been through it too and having this network has been truly wonderful. I hope you find solidarity here too!
  10. Antidepressants and Thought of Death/Dying

    Hi again! :D I definitely get that, being new to medication is pretty jolting especially when you're already dealing with depression & anxiety and it's like "wow, now I have to get used to this too?" But humans are good at adapting to change so it may take a little while but you'll get there! It'll eventually feel like part of your routine! Omg it's so funny you say that because I had to quit coffee (and all other caffeine) cold turkey too!! When my episode started getting bad I realized how much worse my day became once I was caffeinated, since coffee just makes it easier to focus on what you're ALREADY thinking about (aka the anxiety) haha. Idk if this has happened for you too but I REALLY missed my morning coffee routine, so I've actually started drinking decaf! I never thought I'd be a decaf coffee drinker since it always seemed so counter intuitive but I totally get it now: it's so nice to feel a little more like myself and start each day the way I have for years, just without the buzz. I understand how that would increase your anxiety, it definitely increased mine. One thing that helped me move past the thoughts was to think of it like a coworker you don't like but have to interact with a lot. Like how you'd rather not have to be around them but you don't have to let them ruin your day. Maybe even be a little sarcastic with it, like if you have the thoughts just roll your eyes and say "Oh, you again. Whatever." I think being dismissive of the thoughts helped take away some of their power, if that makes sense. And I think that's something I should elaborate on: I do still occasionally have those thoughts, so I hope when I said that they dissipated it didn't sound like "I'm completely bad thought-free". For me they haven't entirely gone away, but they HAVE dissipated/ decreased significantly in frequency, and the big difference is that now I'm back in the mindset I was before where if I DO have them my reaction is "Nah I wouldn't do that" instead of "but what if I did??" I hope you have the same success, I'm sure you will as you adjust more and more to the meds! In the last post you said "The thoughts have pretty much stayed with me throughout my three meds, I was only on wellbutrin for a week, then lexapro for maybe 4 days, and now prozac for 4 days" and I thought you might find it comforting to know that 4 days/ a week is generally not enough time for the meds to start having a positive affect (3-4 weeks is more typical) so the thoughts of death you're experiencing are probably actually from the anxiety & depression you're trying to treat. I'm only saying this because if you really start to link the meds with your disorder symptoms then you may start to lose faith in the meds. Like one of the other posters pointed out, depression doesn't disappear just with the pill (sadly): it definitely does a lot of the leg work, but your frame of mind is also really important. In retrospect, I think that the Lexapro was probably working but once I'd planted that seed of doubt I kind of knew I'd end up switching. On the other end of the spectrum, I've really put faith in the Zoloft and I think that's contributed to the improvement I've had just 2 weeks in. So remember to let yourself be a beginner: be patient with your progress, but also be patient with the Prozac! I'm really glad your side effects are better, I think that's a great sign! I'm sorry you had to go through the gauntlet of two not-so-good experiences first but if nothing else you're still persevering and that's really, really awesome! I absolutely had depersonalization and it was easily the worst part of the depression. It's so funny because now that it's been about 3 months since that happened I don't really remember how it felt, but I remember that it was horrible. Feeling like your body is on autopilot while you watch helplessly from the sidelines. I'm really sorry you're going through that, but just know that at least in my experience it did get better! I know I mentioned this above but ne thing I've realized throughout the last few months is that the depression & the medication were/ are happening simultaneously, yet I remember thinking "now that I'm on medication the depression is gone, so anything bad I feel must be from the meds." But in reality I think the bad side effects (besides the nausea and headaches) were & still are the depression/ anxiety peaking through. It felt exactly like you've described: this isn't me, this isn't who I am, I don't feel normal, etc. But (and this is just my own personal perspective) I think the depression is the culprit. It's why I'm taking meds in the first place, and now that I'm a few months but feeling better, it makes sense to me that I sometimes I'm going to feel those symptoms resurface, but as long as I keep up with the tools & strategies I've been learning I'm going to be ok :) I hope you find a similar comfort in this idea! Sorry again for yet another long response, this was basically a novel haha.
  11. Just wanting support

    Hi engine3! I'm very happy that this thread has helped to give you peace of mind: it's always a relief to know that it's not just you going through this, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I hope you start to get relief from the side effects soon! :)
  12. Hi Brianna! That's good that you had time in between! I think you may have posted on my topic about this but I went immediately from lexapro to zoloft with no in between time & it's made it challenging to figure out when one stopped affecting me and when the other began. I'm sure it will!! Those side effects tend to be very short lasting: even though the lexapro sickness was TERRIBLE it did go away completely, so I'm optimistic yours will too! If not then just let your psychiatrist know and he'll know where to go from there. I appreciate the advice about sleeping! I actually do have a klonopin prescription to take if I ever feel a panic attack coming on, but for sleep I have a prescription for trazodone which I really recommend because it's non-habit forming, works well, and doesn't make you groggy in the morning. So if you ever feel like transitioning away from the klon this could be a great alternative! I tend to get stuck in my head about that as well, wondering if/ when the meds will really kick in, if they're helping me at all, if I'll always be this way, etc. I know I won't always be this way because I wasn't this way until June of this year, but MAN are those intrusive thoughts hard to fight!! It's a hard mentality to explain to friends/ family who say "well then just don't think about it!" I know they mean well but it doesn't feel like a matter of willpower or trying hard enough, so that advice often falls on deaf ears for me. I guess that's why they're called "intrusive thoughts" because they're especially difficult to predict/ manage/ control. Maybe my friends/ relatives just haven't experienced them before? It's so funny you mention that, I've really struggled with alcohol since I started medication, and not in the sense of "I drink too much or get out of control," but I'm a lightweight now and can really only handle one drink, MAYBE two. Because if I drink more than that I start to feel emotional and crappy and I wake up the next morning with heightened anxiety/ depression. Which really bums me out because my fiance and I love going to alcohol festivals and getting drinks after work but for the past few months I've had to really tone it down. But luckily I think I've finally found a groove where I can be social and drink a bit & still feel okay I discovered that as long as I alternative with a full glass of water I'm fine, so maybe try that! What was your experience with drinking? Hope you're doing well! (Sorry I'm long winded haha). ~Riley
  13. Hi Brianna! I'm sorry to hear that you've had these experiences on top of your pre-existing anxiety, that's really tough! And I'm not at all surprised that you threw up on Lexapro, I came very close on many occasions but thankfully never did. Out of curiosity, did you have any time in between the wellbutrin & the lexapro? That's awesome that the side effects are easier this time around, maybe that's a sign of good things to come! :D I've read that symptoms like nausea and GI upset usually pass within the first week (that was true for me), so you hopefully won't deal with it much longer since you're on Day 4! This is a random question, but how're you sleeping? When I first started the Lexapro and then the Zoloft I didn't sleep very well and I think that really affected my anxiety during the day, it might be the same for you! And I don't know if this is similar to your experience, but I think a lot of my anxiety when I first started meds was from starting medication for the first time in my life. It put me on edge and made me hyper aware of every bodily function, wondering if it was from the medication and if it was a "bad sign" or a "good sign." The Zoloft has been really great so far! Today is day 9 with the 100 mg dose (12 days on zoloft in general), and no noticeable side effects besides a tremor, which is annoying but manageable. And I've been much better able to regulate my mood, which is more than enough to convince me to keep taking it haha. -Riley
  14. It kind of sounds like you're describing/ experiencing anhedonia, which is when the things that used to give you great joy now feel empty. I also went through that, so I understand how distressing it feels to have your hobbies practically disappear. And you're very right, having to consider the meaning of life is no fun when you feel like this haha. It's really great that you recognize that this is only temporary & that you will have good times again: to be honest, I tend to jump immediately to the worst case scenario so I often find myself trapped in the cycle of "this will never end." But your optimism is inspiring and you're right, the good times will be back :) And that's a great way to put it! I often tell my fiance that I don't necessarily feel unhappy, I just don't feel like myself, and that's a painful way to go through the day. But I find that when I do things to remind me of who I am, I'm at peace for short while: sometimes it's only minutes, but other times it's hours or even a full day! And like you said, those are the times that you know what you're fighting for :D That has indeed happened for me as well & it was very scary, but it may comfort you to know that it has gotten better and better for me and I bet it will for you too! When the depressive episode started in late June, I went through what you experienced when I thought "I'm going through so much pain right now that I cannot imagine making it to next month, or next week, or even tomorrow." It felt like the depression & anxiety were burdens that would surely crush me before then. But it's October now, and I wish I could go back to June and tell myself "Hey look, here I am! We haven't gone anywhere! We rarely cry anymore, we're eating again, and we have some of our hobbies back! You will get through this because here I am." Because my June self really needed to hear that. It started by making very simple but exciting plans, like "tomorrow, no matter what kind of day I have, I will get myself a milkshake after work" or "On Tuesday my fiance and I will make popcorn and watch a funny movie." And for a while I still had the fear, it definitely took (and still takes) practice, but right before bed each day I try to reflect on the good things that happened that day. I even started a gratitude journal, so that I could jot down the highlights of my day and look back on them whenever I felt discouraged. Maybe this strategy could help you too? What kind of psychiatrist do you have? And how long are your appointments? Most medication management sessions only last 20-30 minutes, just long enough for them to see how you're handling the meds. Absolutely your doctor should hear you out, but if your sessions are that short, then he may not have enough time to really discuss what you're going through. All of my appointments are an hour long for this very reason: we spend about 5 minutes at the beginning discussing how the meds are going, 50 mins doing cognitive behavioral therapy, and the last 5 mins checking over the prescriptions & making the next appointment. When the depression was really bad, I saw him once per week. As I've improved, I've extended that to once every 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, and now I'm trying 1 whole month (fingers crossed!). But it definitely took a few long sessions before he had enough background to start addressing the cognitive issues with me. Did you try the Celexa? That is certainly true, I've heard that meds can wear off. Whether you decide to stay on one for a year or 20 years, coming off of it will probably be the same difficulty. And this may be different for everyone, but my understanding is that ADs are not intended to be long term solutions: they help bring you back to a place of stability so that you can start to address the underlying cause(s) of your disorder. That's why I almost always think medication needs to be combined with therapy, at least for the moderate to severe cases. I have to admit, I used to be extremely close-minded about medication, because I thought (and please forgive this ignorance) that medication was the "easy way out." But after studying psychology in college, and especially after this summer, I now understand that medication gets you where you need to be to do the work, and doing the work gets you where you want to be. But that's just my opinion, everyone's journey is very different and no answers are the absolute right answer.