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nirah007

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nirah007 last won the day on April 9

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About nirah007

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  1. Hi Ffar, I am so sorry that you had to go through such a hard time. Going through 11 years of experience trying but having no results from what you have tried is painful. And people giving us the wrong advice can make us so frustrated. It's not easy to step back and realise that advice is just advice, we have a choice to take up that advice or not. Did they force you to take up their advice and tell you that you would die you don't do what they say? It is still your decision, and if you did take up that decision, regret will not change anything, so never regret for the decisions that we made ourselves. I am not saying those people who gave you the advice is right, they are not. But their advice is made from their own experience in life and what they had tried and what works for them, so it can never work 100% for us because we are not them, no matter how much we want to be like them. Every decision we make can either be a success, an experience or a lesson. If we refuse to take it as a lesson, that is when we make the decision to destroy ourselves and suicide, and that decision is made by us. You are not stupid for making those decisions either. We all make the best decision we can make, with the capability and information we have at that time and at that age. Would you have been able to achive almost everything u wanted, and still keep going if you had start escort at 18? Would u hav gotten a Decend car on your own, a motorcyle, a second citzenship if u had taken PUA lessons? Would u hav made so much and gotten your apartment if u had listened to other advice? Would u hav known CBT will not work for u, when it had worked for many other people before u and after u? It is the experience in life that makes who we are today. And since u hav most of your life together, u can focus on that last aspect u want to get a relationship. You have a friend who is happy person after he found his love of life. I have a friend who is divorced after he thought he found his love of his life. Life balances out, it's not always 100% you can find the love of your life. It is perseverance to get through life. I am sure there are many here who keeps trying to find the love of their life, no matter what their age, who still learn skills in dating and communication, who still goes through trials and error after talking to a girl, who cries at home because he feels he said something stupid to a girl, but he still goes back out there to try again. It's not the end goal, it's the experience that counts. And at least you do have female friends whom you can talk to I hope. And I do hope you gain the experience and find someone you love, even if it's a slow process, it's still a process. And in the mean time, we are here to listen to your trial and errors and experience, if u ever need a listening ear. So please don't give up and please keep trying. Wishing u only the good things in life.
  2. nirah007

    Worrying

    The morning positivity quote that popped out today: “Try not to worry. If something bad happens or everything doesn’t go well, do not worry. By adopting this attitude, you are going to believe that everything will be OK and fine.” Which is totally applying to me right now cos of what happened and what’s gonna happen this coming Monday, and why is Monday taking so long to come. I want to get the whole thing done and over with but it hasn’t and I’m still preparing and so I’m worrying and I should stop.
  3. nirah007

    Whinings

    Thanks. Keep swimming, just keep swimming. That’s all we can do sometimes. We can only swim as long as we have the energy to swim, until we can’t swim anymore. Eventually someone will find us and lift us up. Hopefully before we drown
  4. nirah007

    Whinings

    I absolutely dread going to work on Monday. And I hate myself. And I am sad. And this weekend is going to be a very sad weekend. I don't even understand why I feel sad. Like what's the point of anything really? I really just don't know what to do. Will it matter one week from now? I guess so. Will it matter a month from now? 30 July? I guess so. Will it matter a year from now? It depends? Or it does not? Why should I care how people look at me? Life can be so depressing sometimes. Sometimes I care, and I don't even know why. And that sucks and make me just hate myself even more. Everything is a mess. Yesterday is a mess. Why should I care? Why should I? What I should do right now is just let go of the past. I already ran to my comfort zone to run away from my thoughts. But I can't stay there forever. Which I hate. But there's nothing I can do about it! Nothing! Look, all I want is to be happy. That is all. Is it so hard?? No. All I have to do is just control what I fill my heart up with. Whatever I fill my heart with, it will be filled up with that thing. So. I. Should. Fill. My Heart. With happiness. With forgiveness. With a smile. With love. Stop filling it up with the past. ... I'm still sick and tired of everything. How long am I letting myself swim here. It's tiring and I wish I can stop. I wish I can control myself. I don't want to feel down. I wish to die sometimes. But there's no point. To life. To death. Everything is meaningless. Want or don't want, I still have to. It's always about forcing myself to accept that this is what life is. What am I supposed to be grateful for? The basics I guess. Food, water, internet. I ate tuna bread for breakfast this morning. It's about which side of the rainbow do I want to look at? The dark rainy side or the bright sunny side? Pick and choose, because happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be. The Sculptor's Attitude I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfil today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have. Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or...I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free. Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or...I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste. Today I can grumble about my health or...I can rejoice that I am alive. Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or...I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born. Today I can cry because roses have thorns or...I can celebrate that thorns have roses. Today I can mourn my lack of friends or...I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships. Today I can whine because I have to go to work or...I can shout for joy because I have a job to do. Today I can complain because I have to go to school or...I can eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge. Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or...I can feel honoured because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body, and soul. Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have! Have a GREAT DAY...unless you have other plans.
  5. Actually I still don’t quite understand the difference between what I do feel grateful for and what I should feel grateful for. I’ve never felt crappy or worse for something that I should be grateful for, it’s just a feeling of focusing on the negative part or the positive part. Maybe cos someone told me to be grateful for everything, the good and the bad, cos there is always something good that we might not see. It’s faith I guess. Sometimes that feeling of gratefulness is just not there, especially I had a terrible day or when my mind is angry and upset. Yes, I am not necessary grateful for the same things that others are grateful for, cos that’s already comparing myself. I try not to compare myself to try to be grateful, cos it does not make me feel any better. So what am I grateful for today? I already have a gratitude journal where I wrote all the small basic things I have that I am grateful for, so I tend to add new things by just being grateful for the best part of the day. There’s a temporary bazaar across the road that sells some nice fried snacks, that I am grateful for. I am thankful for the facilities around the area I live like the easy public transport to go back and forth work. I am grateful for this forum and I am thankful that all of you exist for me to vent to when I’m depressed, where I feel I am not alone and the only place I can express myself, where we can hang tight together to find a solution and escape from the terrible world out there. Gah just realised it’s a Super Long post sorry about that..
  6. nirah007

    How

    Thanks for your reply. I do have a believe system and I’m trying out many ways to help me cope with this. I dunno why it’s hard for me to forgive myself but I know I have to try
  7. nirah007

    Is it ok to hate some one ?

    Ok forget it I don’t even know why I posted that. Cos I’m feeling so Low I Guess. I know I’m suppose to forgive. Forgive her for being an old bird. Forgive her for I guess being mentally unwell. Cos how else am I suppose to live with her if I don’t. But that doesn’t stop her from being a nagging insensitive complaining comparing queen of the house. I’m keeping it all inside cos I can’t talk to her. I can’t hear her nagging and lectures. It hurts and I’m so sick and tired of all that but what else can I do but try to forgive her. And maybe one day I can talk to her about it while listening to her long stories of comparing me to the past people in her life. well, that’s for letting me vent.
  8. Is it ok to hate some one? That some one being my Mother in law? Whom I live with. Who raised the person I love. Is it ok to hate her? My therapist say it’s ok to hate her. I’m entitled to my feelings. But I’m filled with so much hate and it hurts but I can’t stop hating. And when I hate her I hate myself and I cry. Is it ok to hate her?
  9. nirah007

    OK, back to "gratitude"

    I’m gonna continue my gratitude journal cos I saw this. It’s about time. Been feeling so Low yet I dunno why it’s so hard to appreciate what I have. Keep posting ya!
  10. nirah007

    Gratitude Journal

    I saw a gratitude journal here so I’m gonna continue mine too. I had one but did not continue it. But I’m gonna turn it into a simple “best parts of the day” gratitude journal. So here’s a simple one: Today, I am thankful that my Husband said that he loves me, I ate fried rice for breakfast and my boss did not get angry for me coming in late to work.
  11. nirah007

    why do i live

    That is beautiful Epic. I came here wanting to vent on how much I too feel worthless with no reason to live and reading both your posts make me feel better to know that I am not alone. Thank u.
  12. nirah007

    How Do You Feel Right Now #6

    I feel absolutely awful and I have no one else to vent to cos I’m Such a loser my Husband hates me and I hate him and I’m sick and no one cares and I don’t want to care either I don’t! Why is it my responsibility?! Why?! Is it not their responsibility too! The world is so stupidly unfair and these days when I hate myself I hate God for even creating me and creating this stupid world which don’t make sense. I hate myself.
  13. nirah007

    What is self-loathing?

    Self-loathing. When will I ever get out of it.i feel it’s really part of our illness, and imbalance of hormones that causes this. Yes, for the average normal people, their self will easily deny self-loathing to survive. But for people like me, it’s kind of become our comfort zone since we kinda “learned” it since young, and getting out of it takes a HUGE amount of effort. Self-loathing is illogical to an average person’s mind. It only kills a human from the inside, so it’s necessary to get rid of it for one to function normally. It’s a cognitive distortion resulting from my illogical thoughts. I tend to think in black and white, I overgeneralise, I focus only on the negative and not the positive, I expect the worst from possible scenarios, I predict negative outcome before the event happens, i magnify the negative and minimise the positive, like no matter how much good u say that I am, Its very hard for me to accept that cos of all the bad that I had done. I take the blame cos it happened before cos I had always done stupid things. And for me, it kinda become my comfort zone cos when bad things happen, I have this feeling in which like oh yeah I expected this to happen and see it did, just proves how im right to have predicted this and proves how stupid I am from the beginning. And this feeling grows as we grow older and accumulate all the negative things we had done, while forgetting about the good that we have done. I know all this and yet they say I need practice to remove these kinda thinking, but I dunno why it feels like such a big hurdle to get over. ”i want me to be happy and comfortable and I think that I deserve to feel okay.“ i want to want that too. I just need to make that huge effort to get out of my “comfort zone” and change my mindset and thinking. Thanks for your post it shows how a logical mind should be working, which is something I need
  14. nirah007

    Can't believe I'm upset over this.

    Hi pink318, thanks for your reply. Can u suggest some comedy which can help me feel better? I really hate having this feelings which makes my life feel so frustrated. Would help having some recommendations for me.
  15. nirah007

    How

    Hi Epic thanks for your reply. The phrase pops out many times when I’m doing house chores.. maybe cos I really do not like to do housechores.. and when I did something stupid like forgetting my things in office and having to go back on a weekend just to get them back. I don’t really have the money for medical treatment I tried it then stopped cos of the money. I’ve tried to use positive affirmations like “it’s hard but I can take it. It’s bad but not horrible. I’m fallible but still worthy.” But it just doesn’t work and I hate myself more and I hate myself for having this illness I hate myself for hating to do housechores I hate myself every time I do something stupid and I hate myself when I’m easily hurt by what other people say or don’t say. I hate myself for always wasting time and staring into space cos I don’t want to live this life. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just love myself cos I feel there’s nothing to love about myself. It takes so much effort to do that and be grateful and just accept life as it is without wishing for the impossible.
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