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nirah007 last won the day on April 9

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About nirah007

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  1. nirah007

    Shouting session

    Had a shouting session with my Husband. First one since I came back from my one month trip. He ended the session and just said he needed to go to work. And as usual, I hate myself after that. A good Friend actually brought up about being mindful, and that is actually very good advice, advice which the stupid me didn’t follow through with then. I should have realised sooner that my shouting was going nowhere and achieving nothing. End of the shouting match, I immediately asked him, can we talk again later tonight? Please please please let me be calm by tonight. I need to stop shouting, stop talking, even if it hurts. I should just listen. Listen to what he has to say. Accept that what has happened and there is nothing I can do about the past, except to improve for the future. Please let our talk tonight be a good calm talk where we achieve something good. Please. Control myself. Be mindful on what I’m doing.
  2. nirah007

    How Do You Feel Right Now #8

    Stupid. I feel stupid. But that’s a cognitive disorder. Knowing that doesn’t really help. I feel irritated. At what? At life? At nothing actually. Nothing serious. So why do I feel irritated? Cos I dunno why I’m doing what I’m doing. Yet here I am having to live this life. For what purpose? To earn a living. Cos Time is suppose to be precious so I should make the most of it. Yet here I am wasting my precious time away. Forcing my way to get up to live. Forcing myself to love myself and to be positive. How do I feel right now? Forced and pushed to the edge, yet trying so hard to hold on.
  3. nirah007


    Thanks Floor. I needed that.
  4. nirah007


    Just feel like not talking to anyone but I need to let my thoughts out so here I am. Just came back from my one month trip. Did I expect things to change? Yes. Did anything change? I want something to change. I want. I really want. I want my whole personality to change. I want my character to change. I don’t want to be who I was when I left. I really really want to change, I really want to. But why is it so hard. Why. Why. Why. I can’t do this. I can’t live this life. I’m just falling into this endless pit again. Like I always do. Always. Every time. And every time I feel like giving up. Cos getting up is difficult. Dusting it off is difficult. I was positive. For one month I was positive. I was happy. I didn’t want to come back to real life. Yet here I am. God. Why.
  5. nirah007

    Is he cheating on me?

    Hi Joanne, I’m very sorry that you have been through a lot with your Boyfriend. I’m really not a fan of poly-relationships (causes too much unfairness, jealousy, miscommunication), and it must have been shocking for it to quickly go from in-game to real-life. However, I don’t really understand why u need to wait till he gets married to her? I’m assuming the dog is just an excuse.. Are u still secretly wishing it all goes wrong and he choose u? If I were u (and this is just me) I would have left and I’d rather be single than see the whole marriage and all, cos marriage can also take months or years, so why shud I beat myself up while waiting? Yes its 8 years of relationship, but if u don’t speak out now, it’ll get harder in the future. You are a worthy person who deserves real love and respect. Try your best to not let your bf belittle or ridicule you, which is the way I am seeing it now. Stay firm and try to tell him your true feelings. In my opinion, communication and being able to talk about our feelings is important in a relationship, and communication includes listening and and also needs us women to say the truth in our hearts. Many times we lie and wish that he sees the truth, but men can never read our minds or emotions. I’m saying cos I make that mistake many times of just saying “fine” when I really am not, and I still make that mistake now, cos it’s hard to explain sometimes. Communication is not easy. Like mmoose said above, it’s a challenging situation and I may be reading the whole thing wrongly and not understanding the real situation. I’m sorry I can’t help much, all I can give is my opinion, but I do wish u can be comfortable whether u r single or in a relationship, and I wish u r comfortable with the decision u will make.
  6. nirah007

    I'm enjoying this plateau.

    Congrats on the 5 year anniversary in your job It sounds like a very big thing to me cos I never managed 5 years ever. And I love 5 year old kids, I used to hang out with my 5 year old cousin just coz kids that age r so cute n so innocent n they know how to appreciate the small little things we do. I kinda get further from him as he grow up though but I Guess that’s just life....... Anw, Keep it up and I hope your days get better. It’s nice to read these kinda posts, it gives me hope. Remember if it ever goes down, it will get back up again, be patient u deserve all these good times
  7. nirah007

    About to hit rock bottom mentally...again!

    Hi gvn2fly, I’m so sorry for the pain that u r going through. If u feel lonely, u can talk to us here, many of us are in the same boat as u, talk out your problems here, sometimes u need a place to just let it all out. And u can belong here among us, and I’m sure your Wife and Son feel like u belong in a family with them. I’m sorry u can’t get a therapist that u can click with, it’s like fishing for the right therapist is difficult cos not all of them tells u the things u want to hear, I hope u find a good therapist to help u. And those terrible voices in your head are horrible. It took a very long time for me to get rid of them, and yet they still come back to haunt me. Don’t listen to them, tell those voices to go away cos u want to feel better, not worse. LOVE yourself for all the effort u put into yourself, finding the right therapist, working hard for your family, u deserve so much, and u will get there, just keep trying, nobody here nor your family wants u to go, and I’m sure deep down u r still living here and staying here for a reason, keep that reason strong and keep fighting for it. And please know that it is OK to fail, we r all humans and we humans have to fail to get better, but failing does NOT mean that u r a failure. I’m sure your colleagues fail once in awhile too, just because they don’t show it does not mean that they did not fail before and will never fail. I’m sure u hav contributed and done your part and also your best to work for the company, what with all the late night work u r thinking of doing. It does not matter if no one sees what is in your heart that u want to do, but believe it for yourself that u r GREAT and u r doing your BEST. I know it’s not much to go on, but this too shall pass. So keep working at it. And this might sound cliche but maybe u can try to start a gratitude journal n write in it Everyday on all the grateful things your son have done for u and u have done for your Son. And Its ok to feel lonely when ur with people. I know it’s a horrible feeling and I do not like it at all and all the terrible thoughts that go through our head even though we r with people. Ask yourself why would u want to be with those people? If u can’t feel comfortable around them, then don’t be with them. Find people u can be comfortable with. Because I realise each person have different personality and character that they can click with. If u want to be with them because u want to enjoy the things they do, then enjoy doing it, u don’t hav to be all best friendly to enjoy doing it. It’s actually easier said than done I know, it’s something I repeatedly force to tell myself over the years, that I don’t mind being lonely. Be yourself. The people who avoid u when u show your true self r not the people u want to try to hang out with. I know it’s a mask thing, this world is too full of masks, put on a mask to be with people cos we need to, but at least find somewhere u can take off that mask and just talk out your heart and soul. Sometimes I too am tired of feeling depressed, but I can’t help it. It’s something I have to accept cos it’s my weakness I hate but can’t get rid of. Life can throw stones at me and throw me down the gutter and I want to dig a hole and bury myself, or just stay in that hole till something happens or someone pulls me back up. Life is full of stones, but it’s also full of people who can pull us back up if we can call out n find them. It’s ok to take two steps forward one step back, just keep moving, keep loving. I’msorry for the very long post and I’m sorry I cannot help much, but I really do wish that u will hang in there and I am wishing u all the good things.
  8. nirah007

    I am not strong

    “I am not strong. Accept my weaknesses. Worry, suffer, and try to move forward anyway.” I wish I can remove all my bad habits. I try to create some good habits but sometimes even that turns out a mess. I actually feel my depression has improved a lot since I came here 8 years ago when I posted so much crap and embarrassing posts. I was 23 then, and now I’m 31. Time flies. The suffering I went through the past 8 years Swimming in the sea of depression, trying to find something to hang on to, especially the first few years after marriage, doing trials and errors and asking around for help and opinions while going through hell. Sometimes I feel I’m not moving and I’m not changing or improving at all but the people here encouraged me so much and tell me otherwise. And most importantly, I have accepted my character and personality (like how talking to people still scares me but I still do it when I have to), I have accepted what I can change and what I cannot, and also God has helped me through. But I still come here to let out my thoughts cos I don’t really have anyone else to talk to. And also to keep up my so-called gratitude journal. So today, I am grateful and thankful that my Husband spent the whole yesterday at home with me, even though he mostly played with his phone while I did my work, which is lovely of him, instead of him going out with his friends. Anyway, I need to fold and iron the laundry and sweep the floor. And I just realised lunch is on my own cos I’m on leave today so I really dunno what to do about it, so gotto give it some thought later. I Googled how to stop procrastination and one of the ways WikiHow gave is: Give yourself a pep talk for motivation, which is what I’m doing right now
  9. Yea it’s the nature of the two relationships, there’s usually jealousy and comparison and generation gap which brings friction and need some oil to lesson the friction. Oh yea I never really thought of that. Too focused on being paranoid that I always totally forget the silver lining. Thanks for the reminder. Things are bit better now. Hopefully no more surprise events / frictions happening later.
  10. nirah007


    “A psychiatrist once told me that anxiety and depression are linked to the deep-seated belief that one's self-worth is vulnerable, that it can be increased and decreased and even lost. Those people, he told me, who generally feel that their self-worth in invulnerable are generally more immune to depression and anxiety if those do not have a biological origin. Since I grew up being taught that my self-worth had to be constantly earned, tested and proven, I was definitely a person with a sense that my self-worth was extremely vulnerable to externals. The psychiatrist told me that I was an absolutely unique, never to be repeated,irreplaceable person. Never again in time, history or eternity would someone exactly like me exist and thatthat uniqueness was the foundation of my self-worth.  He compared this to the idea of being born into a royal family. One is born a prince or princess. It is not earned. It is not something that can be lost or taken away. No matter what one's successes or failures are in life, no matter one's misfortunes, no matter one's falls or frailties: one can never lose one's royalty. He said self-worth is like that. It is based on one's being not on doing and having. It is invulnerable. So I have gradually begun to see my procrastination in different terms. I have taken my self-worth out of the equation. My self-worth in invulnerable.” Quoting @Epictetus cos its beautiful and I’d be coming back to re-read this again when I feel worthless. Thank u for sharing your psychiatrist’s words.
  11. Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry @JD4010 if I brought up bad memories, and sorry on what happened with your ex. I still love my Husband, I just don’t know why I say stupid things when I’m angry. But most arguments are caused by my mil and I’ll probably be living with her forever so it’s hard to imagine having our own house. When I’m away from her I’ll feel like I don’t want to make her upset, I want us to be a happy family. But when I see her I get angry cos of all the things she did and afraid that she might suddenly bring up something else that I did wrong, then I’d get angry that I have to live with her, then I’d just avoid her totally even though we r living in the same house. But all this thoughts r happening in my head. She never did anything at that moment, but I fear what is happening in her head, whether it is good or bad I am really just afraid, and that cause me to forever avoid her and everything is just messed up cos of that. Everytime I’m alone in the house with her I get paranoid of what is in her head. And I’m going on a one month trip this coming Wednesday, so I actually took leave on Monday and Tuesday to pack, but my husband did not cos he won’t be going for the trip with me, so my mind is even more paranoid on what will happen on Monday n Tuesday when I’m alone in the house with her. And I know Mondays she always invite her big group of friends to her house to gather, and usually I’d be working but since I took leave to pack, I really don’t look forward to next week at all. What I can do is to quickly pack this weekend then find some excuse to go out on Monday. Tuesday I’ll be out anyway to pre check in my luggage at the airport. But my husband would not like me avoiding her, he is always telling me to stop giving excuses to avoid her. sorry I’m just whining n letting out my thoughts. Next week will probably be ok I’m just being paranoid.
  12. I saw this and I just wanna encourage u to keep it up! I admire smokers who are quitting cos it takes much effort to stop that habit and desire, and please keep going even if u hav withdrawal symptoms or even if ur just bored,cos quitting will be worth in the end. I never smoke before but I know people who are trying to quit smoking. Your body will appreciate you in the end and it’ll help you in your old age, so do your best.
  13. Trying to calm down after a heated argument. Again. Im feeling so down. And again I am pointing everything at myself. It's times like this I absolutely hate my life and do not know what I am doing here. Sigh. The good thing is I managed to ask my husband to go for marriage counselling, which I think the appointment is in maybe a month time. I told him there is someone there who also lives with his wife and his mum, and he can advise and counsel him on how to be the middleman in the various situations at home, without getting over-emotional and without arguments. That is a small little lie. The counselor did say she will bring in someone who can help, but she did not specifically say he lives with his mum and wife. I will so need to explain this to him just before we actually go for the marriage counselling. My husband said that behind every successful man is a woman supporting him, and I'm not giving him that support. He always brings up that quote. How, just how do I not wake up every morning without feeling anger whenever I see my mother-in-law's face? How? When she is the cause of almost every single argument. Of course, to her, I am the cause of every single argument. Sigh. I'm really so sick and tired of all this, I really am. Why am I filling my heart with hate. Fill my heart with hate and it will be filled with that thing. Love and forgiveness. But all I feel like doing now is curling up to cry. Please let me cry. But I can't. Maybe tonight in bed, I'll cry to sleep tonight, but not now, not now. Stay strong, I got to stay strong. Change my attitude and stay strong. I don't know how you guys live your lives with so many arguments around you. Or maybe you guys don't have so many arguments. Maybe it's just me who is forever doing the wrong things which always end up in arguments.
  14. nirah007


    Thanks for your reply, it feels better to know I'm not alone in this world, having to force myself to live with someone I do not want to. And keep telling myself words that I don't really believe in, yet I hope by repeating it to myself the words become real. I have never really loved my mother in law, but she is not that bad I guess. I'm glad for you it's your own dad whom you have known since young, but taking care of old people is not easy. I hope things gets better for us too!
  15. nirah007


    I'm really tired of arguments. And I always put the blame on myself in the end. When it starts, the only thing in my mind is I want to prove that I am right. And I don't even realise it till it's over. But he always have to provoke me when I am still doing the house chores. Ya, fine, I know he helps out with the house chores too and he does it so much faster than me, but I still hate it when he provokes me when he is done and I'm still not done, cos in my mind I'm doing the house chores for him, and he has no right to make me feel terrible every time when I'm doing it. Ugh. I really hate myself. I'm really just so sick and tired of this. It just makes me hate everything. Which sucks. Cos I'm filling my heart with hate. And it'll be filled with that thing. And then I'd just end up crying and crying cos I hate myself so much. But I can't stop. But I can't go on. So I should just forgive him and forgive myself. That's the only way I can move on. I can hardly think about the best part of the day. Actually I wish I can just sleep. But the fact is I still need to do a bit more work. Cos I am flying off for a month. So there's lotsa work to do. Sigh. Probably the best part of the day is being able to whine to my colleague about my boss, and my boss being out of the office by 2pm, and me being able to complete a certain amount of work, and my husband helping me with the house chores. And watching Planet With since the latest episode just came out.