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nirah007 last won the day on April 9

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About nirah007

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  1. Need help with depressed wife

    It must be terrible to be going through this. I myself suffer from depression and I know my Husband do not have it easy. But he never really tries to help me through it. He always tells me that my way of life is unhealthy for everyone and if I want to get out of it, I have to find the way myself. And he will tell me he is only doing this to help me. Long story short, We almost separated cos every time he “blames” me for things (and he blames me in a very nice way) I’ll tell him he doesn’t care about me, and a few times when that happens, I’ll straight away sign the separation documents. Only once did I really submitted the documents, but in my country, even if we sign the separation documents, it is compulsory to attend marriage counselling before the separation is finalised, so end up we were “forced” to go for marriage counselling which turned out well I guess. But even after that we still go through many fights. We slept in separate houses so many times I lost count of how many times I cleared the cupboard and put them in a luggage, then return months later to put the clothes back in the cupboard, then I’d flare up again again I repeat putting my clothes in the luggage and it’s a vicious cycle. Even now I still hurt myself and cry and wail when he tried to talk to me to change. My Husband never backed down when I blamed him. He never admit that he needs to change. I shouted at him many times that if he thinks I need help, then find me that help, show me the number to call, show me the way out, but he refuses and keeps telling me I need to find it myself. And when I told him he doesn’t care about my feelings, he will just reply to say, “u really think that? Really? After all that I’ve done?” Then he’ll walk away with me shouting back “WHAT? how am I suppose to know what u have done if u never tell me?” But he did not come back. He only says he loves me but if I continue the way I am, it is him, and he cannot help me unless I help myself. But he did come back to tell me like a month later. I ended up keeping a book in which I wrote down everything that he has done for me to show he cares about my feelings, every time he did something I’ll straight away write it down. Cos I know I’ll forget, my feelings will make me forget, so I needed to write it down so I can open up the book again whenever bad things happen. Actually The most he helped me was to ask me to go to religious classes every week to strengthen my faith. And even then I had to search for the place and the teacher to go for religious classes myself. I suppose my religion helped me a lot. But I also felt terrible cos my Husband now has high blood pressure and it’s caused by his pending up all his emotions whenever I flare at him. But my flaring up never really end. But it does happen less often, and my Husband keeps telling me that I’m improving as an encouragement for me. But the depression is still there and it never really stops. We will always flare every time he tries to tell me in a very nice way on how I need to change. Only later I will realise what he is saying is right and I need to compromise if I want to keep this marriage intact, and even though I’ll slowly try to change my ways, many days it backfires and I’ll end up hating myself again. I don’t know why I keep flaring up when he tries to talk to me slowly, it’s like I always want to test him, test how far he can take my way of doing things, test how far I can take him for..granted? Because I know he will never leave me, so that side of me keeps testing him, as that side of me wants him to leave me, to prove that good things can’t last, that side of me wants bad things to happen. I can’t see it when I’m upset, only later I will realise. It doesn’t work when he tells me that I’m testing him. When he tells it to me, it just goes in one ear and out the next. And when later when I realise it myself, I need to forcefully tell myself to stop testing the man I love. But like what Mayzee said, being stern and telling her to get the help she need is important. She needs to see that u can’t help her and that as much as u love her, she needs to stop u inside. But for me I do admit there is something wrong with me, but for her she does not, so perhaps it does take something big for her to realise that. And we haven’t hav any children yet, so your children is also something u might hav to think about. Well that’s my story, which I’m not sure why I wrote all that now.. I am so sorry for this Super Long post, but I really really wish the best for your marriage and family. From my experience, there’s still a lot u need to endure but I hope it lessens overtime as she tries to improve herself. U r such a wonderful person to hav done so much! I hope u can hang in there for her! Do take time off for yourself too ya
  2. Instant gratification makes us impatient

    Totally agree. Nowadays, one of the most important skills for us here that we are not learning enough is Patience - Patience in facing toxic people, Patience in waiting for the ease to come, Patience in waiting to see the results of years of hard work, Patience in life. 'What comes easy wont last long, and what lasts long won't come easy.'
  3. Deliriously Happy!

    I love reading your posts. Please keep writing. It’s nice to read after all that u have been through u deserve all this!
  4. I hate Mondays and sundays too. I use Sundays to complete all my housechores for the week but my time management is horrible so end up just stressed that Monday is closer than ever.
  5. Need help with depressed wife

    Hi there, i am so sorry you have to go through this.. You have wrote a very detailed and long post about how much you love your wife and the problems your marriage and family are having. Have u tried putting that in a letter to her? Copy Paste everything you have written in your post, change the she/her to you to a letter format, put it in an envelope and leave it somewhere where she can read it, it shows how much you need her help in this. That’s just my opinion as i know it has helped my Friend changed when she read a long letter her husband wrote, and she told me she was shocked how much he felt that way. He left it on the table when he was leaving for work. Thats just my opinion since talking doesn’t seem to work. Hope others here can help you too.
  6. Is it true? Help

    Nope that phrase is not true. Unless you mean "we want what we do not have." We CAN get what we want if we desire them and work for them. There ARE good guys out there. I never went through a break up, so I can't really help much. My first bf of 3 months became my husband, and although we fought a lot till we slept in separate houses, we always get back together cos we take our wedding vows seriously. My husband is like a dream come true. He can endure my constant mood swings and I love him for it. Dreams CAN come true. Take it slow to see if your two characters and personalities go together. Breaking up hurts and its normal to miss the past, but you are stronger because of it, so never regret your decisions. And never take things for granted. When the going gets tough, appreciate what you do have that makes you who you are. Hope this helps and hope your quest for a partner is a smooth one!
  7. Help

    I actually felt a bit better after venting out. “This heart needs to be cleansed. If you want to be an optimistic person, don’t fill your heart with hate. Fill your heart with love. Don’t fill your heart with jealousy and anger at others. Fill it for wishing good for others. You know forgiveness, move on with your life. When you fill your heart with this, you can grow, you can change. But if you always feel that your success is always by destroying others, there’s no point, it’s very hard to see someone like that to be an optimistic person. No jealousy, anger, take it out of your heart and replace it with something good, because it’s a container. Whatever you fill it up with, it will be filled with that thing.” I know I can’t take back those messages and I have to accept that. Here is to hoping once again that I can remain calm tomorrow.
  8. Help

    Did u ever messaged your husband: ”I HATE U. I WISH U DIE AND NEVER COME BACK. NEVER COME BACK. I HATE U. I WISH U DIE AND NEVER COME BACK. NEVER COME BACK. I HATE U.” Stuff happened. He felt I’m giving lame excuses. I felt he didn’t understand me. I felt what happened was his and his mum’s fault. It was also probably my fault but I still felt they started it. I’m so hurt. I know he is hurt too, I should probably give us space. But I’m just feeling so depressed over this whole situation and the fact that it’s true that this will probably repeat cos I always do stupid mistakes. I hate myself. I want to die. Why does this have to happen. Why am I so stupid. I know I’m being irrational but knowing that doesn’t stop all these negative voices in my head. How can I rectify this situation. How can I take back those words I said to him out of pure anger. If I say sorry, he is not gonna accept and he’ll say I’m just gonna repeat it in the future so why bother to say sorry. I know cos he said this exact sentence before. He is so upset that he keeps telling me none of his friends have ever received such messages from their wives. It’s been like this for the past few days. I can’t seem to talk to him. I want to give him space but I’m so anxious about this whole situation. I kept telling myself tomorrow will be better but these things still happen.. I hate myself so much. I feel like such an *****. Help.
  9. Deleting social media and mental health?

    I have only deleted and closed my Facebook account, only left with Instagram, but my friends are not on Instagram I only use it to follow those “good quotes” and “motivational quotes” users so I’m happy with it. Delete your Facebook, none of us need it. I don’t need a social network, talking physically to my small family and friends is enough, and definitely shows more truth and less miscommunication. It has also helped me to have more time in my hands to read good books etc, so do it and never go back!
  10. The "How Do You Feel Right Now?" Topic (5)

    I hear u. It’s actually exactly how I feel right now. I hate being in this situation. I hate people and their lies. I hate people who don’t even bother to care and act like they are right and I’m wrong and I should just die. I hate wanting to die but having the knife in one hand and the pills in my other hand, I can’t do it! And I hate that situation I hate people why’d they have to push me to a corner like that why! I don’t know what’s the point! What’s the point of enduring all this crap why am I still here! Ugh, I need to go through my cognitive distortions T_T ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING, OVERGENERALIZATION, MENTAL FILTER, DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE, JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION, EMOTIONAL REASONING, SHOULD STATEMENTS, PERSONALIZATION. God, why must I still continue. It’s such a struggle to be applying all this cognitive distortions but yet I have to continue to live cos I’m too afraid to die. I hate this.
  11. Moving Day With My Boyfriend!

    It’s very nice to read this It makes me smile I am very happy for u! Reminds me of my first few months of my own relationship with my Husband and how much he has done for me :) Now there are ups and downs but if I remember our love and time spent together, it’s good to keep us stronger together! And I love cats! U really have a loving Boyfriend who understands u well :) Cherish him and I’m sure your relationship will be a lifelong relationship!
  12. Therapy is expensive and time consuming

    So much help and tips! Thank u so much everyone. I’ve talked to my therapist about the price and they gave me a discount but it’s still too costly for me. But if things get out of hand I can always go back to her with that discount. At least there are many ways to get help aside from therapy. I’ll take note of all your answers. May we all be able to get out of this together.
  13. Hi Polanco, I have to say I have been in your situation before and I’m currently still TTC (trying to conceive). I haven’t had any miscarriages before though, I never had sex before marriage either, and all the doctor told me is it’s “unexplained infertility”. Been like that for more than 4 years. I’m still trying though. But mostly just trying traditional medicines and eating healthy, like eating leafy veggies and pomegranates and avocado. I won’t stop trying, cos the doctor said it’s unexplained, meaning I’m perfectly healthy. And I’m planning to try going other doctors n other hospitals to have a check again later in the year. Other doctors can have a better explanation. But we haven’t gone into ivf or iui yet cos we still want to try the natural way first. In addition, I’m looking for kids to adopt, it’s a long process but I am hoping I can be a mom one day. But I know that feeling of depression when seeing others easily getting kids but I can’t. My colleague who is sitting right beside me is currently pregnant n it’s not easy sometimes. On days when I thought I’m fine but suddenly I have tears in my eyes. On days when my mind is blank but the thought of a baby enters n I hate myself cos I feel there’s something wrong with my body and I can’t give my husband what he wants so much. On days before my period and the anxiety is always there, and when my period comes it’s that wave of sadness that gets me crying again. How can people get pregnant so easily? Have I not tried hard enough? Then there are couples who grow old without a single child, will I end up like them? Those same old questions on will I get pregnant this month? Will it be a repeat of last month? We have to minimise all these thoughts as there is no proof that we can’t get pregnant. There are so many possibilities out there. We have to believe and hope that we’ll be a mom one day and that child will be so special to us and we need to be strong for our special child. How long have u been married? Communication is very important in a relationship, and he needs to understand that you and him are different. Sit down without any media device away from the phone to talk to him once in a while. Let him know that u need a listening ear to feel loved. He still has his enjoyment needs, which u cannot remove, but at least help him to understand u slowly. A guy will always has his ego, which is something I still find hard to understand, but I wish u can talk to him about trying to conceive together. My Sister hav advised me to like what my husband like. And I’ve been pretending to do that. I do it for his sake. And I’ve given up many things that I like too. It’s a sad story for me there but I find that marriage is compromise and we can’t always get what we want. I’ve also just be satisfied with spending time in the same room as him, even if he is on his phone and I am on mine, I already feel grateful that he is not out and he chooses to “spend time with me at home”. There are times he goes out with his friends and times I go out with my friends we don’t have to spend time outside together all the time. I’ve had those tearful nights when I feel unworthy of him too, but after a few years I realise tears will not do anything, i learn to change things that I can, and accept things that I can’t. My Husband feels irritated by my tears too, so I’ve learnt that tears don’t do anything, I will still cry thought Cos I can’t stop them from flowing. It’s not easy. Even now I still cry to sleep sometimes, but I still have to wake up the next day. I’m sure u hav been a very understanding Wife. Like my husband he is a very traditional person who believes women should do 100% housechores, and it took me 4 years to accept that. He will help me when I’m tired and I’ll seldom ask for his help except when I’m really out of time and need to do my office work etc. My Husband can be very difficult but I believe I married the right guy because he is my decision and I still love him. I’m sure he loves u too, but his way of showing it is very different. I only realise all these whenever we argue but we argue Because we don’t understand each other so take argueing as a step to understand each other. please do not say you are worthless, u have been so nice to move to another country for him, ur not worthless. Men just cannot understand women’s emotions and they feel uncomfortable with that topic and shows a bold and irritated front, but that does not mean that they do not care. I hope u continue to try talking to him and if u can’t, I hope he still gives u a listening ear. i hope u can work the marriage out. Feel free to vent out more or pm me if u want, since I’m in the same TTC boat as u. I haven’t seen anyone else on this forum who is depressed cos of TTC. I’ll be trying to find support groups elsewhere too but my work schedule is really too busy sometimes. im so sorry my post is so Long but I really hope u and your marriage can pull through! wishing u all the best.
  14. Therapy is expensive and time consuming

    Hi Epic, thanks for the tip! Would u have any specific books which u can recommend me to read? Thanks in advance..
  15. So I’ve been thinking of quitting therapy, because my finances are tight. And I can’t seem to fit them into my tight schedule. And I’m feeling a bit upset about it. I found a very nice and helpful therapist too. I wish I can just remove this need to speak out my mind.. I wish I can just clear my mind and make it empty.. stop all kinds of negative thinking.. be independent without needing people to talk to.. be focused on what I want in life and not get distracted by my thoughts of life being so hard n difficult.. yes this forums can be a place to let out my thoughts but it’s not always a place where I can find solutions for my problem thinking.. is there really a way out of depression? A way out of being dependent on people? A way out of negative thinking?