nirah007

As the title says, and not that anyone cares to read all this to the end. But anyway, this will be my last post on this forum, as a form of my own closure. I had been here for 8 years, from the age I was 23 before I got married, to when I got married at 26 and as I go through the rough patches of marriage to now I am 31. I came here cos I was suicidal from the stress and pressures of being in the top school of my country, from failing and ended up going to one of the worst schools of my country, from being molested by my ex-colleague in his own house and he whom I had looked at as a father figure, from rushing into marriage with my first bf that I met when I was 26 out of fear that no one else will like me anyway, from the regret and the signing of the divorce papers and going for marriage counselling, from living and still living with my mother-in-law, from the difficulties of getting impregnated, and the struggles still continue. The past few weeks I have been scrolling around the forums looking for people I can help. There are already many people here who are already very helpful. And some posts I see, I feel like I wanna help. I really do. I typed out a long paragraph and deleted a few words and repeated that a few times for a few posts but I never posted. I just don't know how to help. And it kinda hurts. Cos I can't really help them see if they don't see it themselves. That this life is full of suffering. Life is essentially an endless series of problems. The solution to one problem is merely the creation of another. Things go wrong, people upset us, accidents happen. These things make us feel like sh*t. And I have lived through so much to learn to just stop caring about the things that happened, to stop comparing myself with others, to just accept myself as who I am. But, I just don't know how to explain it to the people here. If only we can enjoy life like forever without suffering. If only. But life does not work that way. We can't filter life and just take the good without the bad. We are a sum of our experience. Including the s*it that happens. But I can't tell you to snap out of it, because that's not how depression works. It takes a toll on us and we need to grief and swim in it and struggle in it and almost drown in it, because when we are drowning, that's when our hands do their utmost best to grab anything and everything around them for help. You need to fall so far so deep deep down to that point in which you yourself snap and tell yourself that you are done with all this happening to you, and you are going to take responsibility for your life and do everything in your power to change, including forgiving yourself and your past whether you like them or not. And if by luck, you get the right help, you get out, but don't imagine it's that easy. And if you're unlucky, you keep swimming around in it until you get lucky. But don't stop swimming. Never. Cos life is one problem after another. No you don't stop crying either. Because when you stop crying you're no longer living. The key is to keep searching for the ways to have our emotions under control to be able to survive and be happy from solving the never-ending problems in life. Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems. The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. So how do I explain all this to everyone? That I got lucky. That I got my emotions under control because I recently have found and I have understand the meaning of life. That I know that every suffering I receive is good. I can't explain it. And of course, this I have to say because it's the main thing that helped me recover from my depression. I found my God, my Creator. And everything else does not matter. It does not. It's really a liberating feeling to just leave it all to Him. To know that everything I receive, I receive it from Him because I can't get anything myself. To know that I have done my very best and I leave the rest to Him. To know that the water I drink in front of me is from Him. To know that the Mother-In-Law shouting came from Him. To know that there is no point to continue a conversation with a toxic person because He understands me and that is sufficient for me. So I live my life for Him, I belong to Him, and everything I do, I do my best as much as He allows me to. And I can't explain that to the people here. And that's it. Accept it. One of the important skills in life is to accept things that I cannot change. Accept it I will. But there's so many many great people here and great ideas from the people here, and I really wish they can see it. Thank you to whoever who reads this and to everyone here who has helped me with my depression, and may we all recover from this painful disease. And I'll end with a quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson: "The atoms of your body, are traceable to the stars that manufactured them, in the core of the thermonuclear fusion, inside the cores of stars. And these stars exploded, scattered these elements across the galaxy into the next generation gas clouds, that then collapsed to form star systems, with ingredients that can now make planets, with planets that now have ingredients that can now make life. We are alive in this universe because our atoms are traceable to the universe itself. The universe is alive within us. You are special not because you are different from the universe. You are special because you are the same as the universe."

Hi Lindsay, im sorry ur going through such an ordeal 😞 I hope Sydni will be able to get the help she needs. And also thank you for the wonderful work on DF. I’ve been here for 8 years and I have improved and recovered so much with all the support and help and advice of the people here. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.

Welcome to DF! To answer your question which sounds like why r we here on this earth? Imo, we r here just cos Mother Nature put the desire for reproduction into humans. That’s why. I admit I don’t know what’s really deep down in your heart. Our life is hard for many of us here. Life really is just an endless series of problems. The solution of one problem is just the creation of the next one. Then what’s the point? Why r we still here on this earth with so many problems? Cos the secret is happiness comes from solving problems. Happiness is a constant work-in-progress for everyone here. That’s why we find comfort when there’s people like us to help us in solving, not all but a bit of our problems, cos letting it out is part of solving n it does help to just do that. And the people here are very helpful. I hope u post more n find DF a comfortable place to share your problems. We will always support u.

Hey @VictorianGoth what’s happening?? Remember, u r human and u r fallible but u r still WORTHY so rest if u must, but don’t u quit ((Hugs)) Sometimes the people in our real life can’t understand us. But keep posting in the forums, there’s many here who can relate, and ranting can help a bit.

Oh @RiverLight I too sometimes feel the same way n feel like ranting out. Sometimes I tend to blame myself for my lack of proper words n understanding that lead to people condemning me. We do our best to guide people n show them the way, but it’s up to them to take it. We can lead a horse to the water, but we can’t make it drink. And if it won’t drink, just leave it. Toxic people are always there. That’s another skill we need to learn as we progress - how n when to leave toxic people

Well. My Husband is overseas and I miss him. Wow ok I didn’t really realise that till I write that down. Probably cos I used to prefer him to not be around to be able to breathe. But things are getting better now. Ok. Might as well admit it. We have applied to try to get an adopted child. The process is not easy at all, especially for a couple like me and my husband who went through a lot of things with our mentally challenged state. We went through a lot together but we have gone past that and hope to have fully recovered enough to be able to start a family. The authorities need to get clearance from the Institute of Mental Health to ensure that we are mentally healthy enough to adopt a child. Just the clearance report itself costs $535. We just got the cashiers order and hope to pass it to them on Monday so they can process the report. IF we get cleared, there’s still a long process to go through including interviews and house visits and might take more than 5 months for clearance then we have to go through child-matching which might take longer, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying for everything to go smoothly. But I’m really hoping we get cleared. Quite worried about that part. There’s still many things which we can improve on, and it’s not like both of us are 100% recovered, but we hope to do everything we can to convince them to clear us. It’s something to strive for to be able to care and raise a child happily without going through what we went through. I know raising a child will bring about its own set of challenges but this I suppose is the journey through life and something else altogether in hope to raise someone to be the best they can be. And it’s also something to look forward to. If/when I can get that clearance report.

I’m not sure if it’s the same for me. I kind of have a different personality too. We have multiple dialogues with each other too. And the stronger personality is the one that I dislike. While the other is maybe sorta my conscience? Although my mind has made him out into a real person so he kinda has become an imaginary friend and I even named him Tommy. He tells me many times on things that I should do or feel and things that I should not do or feel. But my stronger personality never listens of course. Tommy isn’t always there for me when I need him most. He usually comes after the whole event is over and when everything has become messed up and I have already regretted everything that I have done and felt. Then I’ll have dialogues with him to just shut up and go away cos he is useless and not there for me when I need him and he don’t understand what I’m going through. And then he will reply like, I am u and I understand u the most and I can’t get to u if u keep pushing me away. Then I’ll just have this imaginary scene where he hugs me and tells me that he loves me even if no one else does and he will help me and guide me and be with me even if I can’t see him, and he will always be there no matter how many times I fall and hurt myself coz he knows I can improve and change even if it takes a million years. But he is not my stronger personality. He doesn’t control this body. He tried to sometimes but very rarely succeed. We have dialogues but we come to an understanding that my stronger personality is a problem and he will try to fix it but even if it can’t be fixed he will still try. Over time he is starting to come in during my anxiety moments or outbursts and he will hold my hand or speak a sentence to remind me. If I can hear him. But not always. Wow I actually wrote that out. I’ve never told anyone about Tommy, this imaginary friend who is actually just a different part of my head. Yours is probably a little different cos your quiet personality contemplates to end it all? Maybe have an imaginary internal dialogue with both your personalities and let both of your personalities help each other out? Cos I’ve given up trying to shed one or the other “personality” or trying to make my two “personalities” become one. They are always separate but we try to talk it out once in a while. But they are both a part of me I can’t just make them go away but can perhaps improve them a bit? (If I can even call Tommy a personality. He is just in my head.)

Thanks for your reply @Floor2017 I don’t take medications. Humans will always have feelings like sad and anxious and happy and excited. I need to tell apart which feeling and thought is irrational and which thought is rational, and train my mind to control what I do with these emotions cos it’s mostly in my head. People live without antidepressants for thousands of years and they can survive then, so I’m not taking them, not to mention they are expensive to be dependent on them and anyway I’ve been trying to conceive for the past five years, so I’m not taking them to avoid complications to my body Cos it’s not natural. This website is one of the ways I let out my emotions and it’s going well so far cos of people like u thank u.

My anxiety always makes me feel nervous in office. Feeling lost n dont know what to do but too afraid to ask questions 😞 Feeling like my boss and colleagues are always looking down at me. Because of a mistake that i did a long time ago. Even though I kind of know that it's all in my head but I just can't shake that feeling off. Feeling like I can't fit in because everyone goes out for lunch without me, yet when asked out for lunch, I would feel too nervous that I regret accepting to go with them in the first place. Feeling so stupid cos I"m responsible for that mistake that I keep making over and over again 😞 Feeling like I'm always not good enough and I'll never be good enough. What to do to shake off this feeling that keeps bringing me down? Blog it off. Write it off. Get out of my head. I'm just having one of those days. Can't shake off that feeling. And I hate month ends. But there's nothing much I can do about it. Especially since I'm always too afraid to ask questions and end up just keeping quiet about it and letting time pass before I know if what I did was correct or wrong. End of September. Beginning of October soon. I hope next month will be a much better month. I just wish I can stop thinking of all this feeling. There's a lot of ironing that needs to be done. Some setbacks that need fixing tomorrow. Need to plan out the groceries to buy tomorrow. Feeling afraid of Monday which I really need to shake off. Shake it off. Shake it off. Stop thinking about it. Happiness is a choice. Right. Of course it is. For someone who is having a life of luxury, yes happiness is a choice. Cos I am blessed.

Feeling like I got slapped in the face. Something that’s supposed to be easy and fast suddenly got a setback that was not caused by me. Feeling all down about it, but there’s nothing I can do about it for now, till we have a proper discussion to decide what to do next. So this Saturday is cancelled. And I thought I’d be all happy since everything is supposed to be done and over with by end of Saturday. Setbacks setbacks setbacks why must they happen. Makes me freeze up and become afraid of taking anymore steps. Keep moving, life goes on 😞

Trying to focus on my work but my mind keeps running around. Ok I shall focus. I must focus. I will focus.

I had another argument with my Husband.. he insists counselling doesn’t help cos they are a bunch of money-sucking people and they say things which he himself have told me many many times and if I don’t want to improve, no matter what other people advise n teach me, I will never change and I’ll just be throwing my money away. He went crazy when he found out I “throw” MY money into counselling. Then he insists he doesn’t want to talk to me since I’m going counselling I can talk to her about all my problems and I don’t need to talk to him about my problems at all. And it hurts. How am I suppose to live together with him if I can’t talk to him at all?? And now I’m in office trying to work but it’s hard to focus cos of our conversation this morning

hi @nhaar please don’t say that you are to blame. It’s ok to make mistakes, the important thing is u did your best and it was a very good effort given the situation u were in. Ur a good team, u and the kids. I’m still trying to get to being a good team with mine, and reading your post gives me hope. It’s not easy, it’s painful, it hurts, but hang in there, just keep swimming.

Thank u @Katzenjammer I needed that hug

Had a shouting session with my Husband. First one since I came back from my one month trip. He ended the session and just said he needed to go to work. And as usual, I hate myself after that. A good Friend actually brought up about being mindful, and that is actually very good advice, advice which the stupid me didn’t follow through with then. I should have realised sooner that my shouting was going nowhere and achieving nothing. End of the shouting match, I immediately asked him, can we talk again later tonight? Please please please let me be calm by tonight. I need to stop shouting, stop talking, even if it hurts. I should just listen. Listen to what he has to say. Accept that what has happened and there is nothing I can do about the past, except to improve for the future. Please let our talk tonight be a good calm talk where we achieve something good. Please. Control myself. Be mindful on what I’m doing.