I've never really reached out to anyone, but I figure I would give this a chance. I never know where I belong, even amongst people on forums such as this.
scarlett9140 replied to scarlett9140's topic in The Relationship and Depression ForumIamwish: I understand relationships not being your thing. I also respect you not having more advice to give me as I feel like I would be poor at that myself depending on the scenario. Thank you for pointing out that my current behavior simply makes me human. I plan on working on this side of me due to self-awareness as well as a future schedule change for me at work and life in general. Thank you for responding to me, it truly does mean a lot. ChubbyBunny, as for you, I really needed to hear A LOT of what you wrote to me. Some (most) were things I know myself, it is just so hard for me to take the first step on anything as I constantly feel like it can't be done, or I will simply fail at any attempt. I have no idea how you dealt with your ex MARRYING someone that soon after ending your relationship, and all I'm sitting over here bothered by is my ex sleeping with someone I know. The horses are all mine fortunately and unfortunately. I plan on moving my baby horse the end of this month back to Cleveland where I am originally from. I'm hoping to slowly transition my life back home where I have been offered a 30 stall farm to run on my own. The issue is that this woman my ex is seeing has created quite the financial conundrum for me where I can't prove her wrongdoings so I'm forced to not only work my full time job, but do ridesharing on the side (basically 16 hour work days everyday) to get the horses out. I will say that I stopped out last night to drop off a check and spent a few minutes petting and feeding treats to my baby horse, and that did make me feel better, even if it wasn't for a long period of time. Falling out of love blows. The situation is pretty unique. I am 27 and he is 38 with an 18 year old daughter. Our problem lied in communication as he was working 80 hour weeks (owns 6 businesses himself), and I was working full-time and going to school full-time. The majority of the issues started a year prior to the break-up when he told me he didn't want to be with me and left 20 minutes later to visit an ex of his in another state. I have horrible abandonment issues and just couldn't bear being in our house alone. I wound up in Cleveland and ended up sleeping with someone because I just felt that bad. Unknowingly I returned home to the house we shared to him wanting to make-up and continue our relationship. He asked me if I had been with anyone, and I answered honestly. He forgave me, but it caused a huge trust issue between us, and I respected that. Ultimately my version of coping with feeling so worthless just could not be overcome due to his as he called them "old school morals". Which of course I constantly think of everyday because I feel like I ruined everything, even though he did many things to create problems as well. As one example: he liked to tell me how much he loved me and enjoyed my company, but he would be perfectly fine without me. Which to a person with trust and abandonment issues obviously eats at them constantly in a subconscious fashion. So, no, the relationship as I look at it now, definitely far from healthy in many ways. I know logically this is all for the best, but it does not change missing him in my life. Sadly, even with his flaws and our shared flaws, my pro/con list still came out in his favor. He truly was a good man, we just weren't in the right place in life for each other. Maybe we were never compatible from the start, but I'll never know.
Okay, so here it goes. I have always been an anxious person. I have also suffered from some level of eating disorder and self-esteem issue since the age of 14. I am 27 currently, and with the skills of research given to me from completing a bachelors in Equine Pre-Veterinary medicine (as of April this year), as well as being plagued with the lovely talent of overthinking I have been able to pair self-reflection with psychological research. I have no idea where to even start with the plethora of issues that I have. I care about everything and nothing at the same time. However, my passion of riding horses which has always been able to center me has become a nightmare. My three horses are located at a facility that is run by two women. One is my ex roommate, who happens to be sleeping with my ex who I was with for 2 years. I was also up until recently working for this girl and her business partner. Thus making my place of peace completely miserable. I know it is silly to avoid my horses, but I just can't be around her for my mental health. Especially because I am still in love with this man. I have become very bitter towards people, and I have always had this tendency, but lately it has been much worse. I thought I had overcome the worst part of getting over the fact that the man I love is now with this girl I used to be close with. Not only did this situation cause issues with my passion, but it caused me to lose my home and put me in a less than satisfactory living situation at the same time that I begrudgingly had to purchase a new vehicle. Thus putting me in a position where I am unable to provide myself with a home of my own. With the constant influx of negative life events outside of my control paired with financial issues and emotional burden from attempting to get over a long-term relationship I have found myself more emotionally unstable than I have ever been. My mind has resorted to not understanding why I am even alive. My emotions go from being so intense that the only thing that alleviates the pain is physical harm, or the calm that comes from purging whatever food I have eaten. The only reason I do not attempt to end my existence is the effect it will have on my mother, as well as the fact that even with my medical knowledge I cannot come up with a scenario that will be one hundred percent perfect in outcome. Too many factors. I just hate waking up everyday wondering why I woke up, and dreading the certain presence of negative happenings outside of my control. What makes this even more miserable is that amongst my suicidal and depressive thoughts I also have surges of positivity and motivation to do very positive things for myself. Granted, these are short lived feelings of hope, it causes me frustration. I feel like I live in a special hell that I can't escape. It seems the only thing that causes me joy is drinking at the bar every night. The part about drinking that causes me pleasure isn't actually being drunk, it is the feeling I get from turning gentleman after gentleman down. I know I'm a pretty girl, but I can't accept it. Yet I use the despicable act of bringing down other human beings for my pleasure. I have much more to say, but I am nervous to describe everything that I truly feel. I feel like this post is a decent introduction into this community. I pray every night that I either don't wake up in the morning, or that something even slightly positive will happen, and if something positive does happen, that I will be able to hold onto the feeling for more than 15 minutes. Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read this. I have not used my words to accurately describe the true depths of my mind because I don't know how I will be received by the community.