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About Tweed

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    Senior Member
  • Birthday 06/20/1981

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  • Location
    Australia & UK
  • Interests
    Writing, music, dance, film. Dreams and spirituality. (Don't belong to any religion) Fashion and photography. "Personology" - the study of human faces. Plus I love owls. <br />Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.
  1. Happy Birthday! Hope you are doing well :)

  2. Tweed

    I Am Not!!

    I am Tweed I have bipolar, here's an emoticon , he's called Euro Biker. Sweetest1, for good or ill this thread has made me laugh and I couldn't agree with you more.
  3. Hi there Glinda, Just wanted to raise my hand here and say I know these suicidal bursts. Also know how intense they are, and scary. What I have found helps is keeping my mind on the times when I don't feel like this. It's almost like staring down a long tunnel to the logical conclusion in that the times I don't feel this way seem so far away. It also feels like I will always feel this way. But it IS the depression doing this, try to bare this in mind too. I do this almost out of habit now. There's a distinct pattern with my menstrual cycle and suicidal feelings. The feelings come on a day or so before I start my cycle. You may or may not find a similar pattern. Evening primose has helped quite a bit more than I thought it would. As for tellng people, I have. The reactions are mixed of course. Most are very supportive and understanding. I can relate to not wanting to be a burden, and gosh I know how it can seem manipulative, I say all this to those I have told. In the beginning it was difficult to spit out, and some reactions I must warn can be quite undesirable. But now I find it helps in the long run and almost acts as a safe guard against not acting on the feelings. There's something about others knowing that keeps reality in check, I believe. So for me, the bad reactions were all worth it, they have made me stronger. But ultimately, you must do what feels right by you. If you do decide to tell people be prepared for idiotic reactions like "don't be silly/stupid/selfish" and "how can you feel like that". People say some really dumb things 'cause they just don't understand, and some people never will understand. So you'll need to accept this in some. On the flip side, you may find those you want to tell will be very caring. It's not an easy thing to live with, even though it comes in limited leaps and bounds. (((Big Hugs)))
  4. Hi there Ocddd, I've had the handwashing obsession pretty bad like you. I don't think it's really relevant why things start, since they tend to continue for other reasons. I've never taken any medication nor did I want to. What worked for me is a thing called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT. What it essentially does is help your mind stop focussing on the obsession through a series of exercises designed to change your thoughts and attitude. I suggest you talk to your GP about this. There's a bunch of different CBT techniques. My own therapy involved gradual exposure work to what I was terrified of (this was many things). The exposure work was always planned. One thing I remember is that unplanned exposure to something won't work. It was a slow process but a very rewarding one. The funny thing about OCD is that what the obsession is, in your case handwashing and/or cleanliness, this doesn't really have anything to do with the anxiety itself. Real fear boils down to not wanting to lose control. I've always been a bit of a hygiene freak, and there's nothing wrong with having clean hands. Try not to feel so bad about that. There's no quick fix for this, and unfortunately you have to literally go through the anxiety in order to overcome it. Just a small suggestion, try waiting a minute the next time you feel like running to the tap. If you feel an anxiety attack come on, just remember it's a natural reaction, it can't actually hurt you. Hope this helps a bit. Hang in there, it gets better.
  5. Wow I love this forum. Thanks so much to both of you AngelOfTheMoor, I've told my mum and now it's a case of hot and cold with her. Been doing some thinking since making the post and I really feel that all this is bringing their own insecurities to the fore. Whatever those insecurities may be. So right now I'm trying my best not to make other peoples problems my own.
  6. Hi everyone, I'm straight and just entered into a relationship with a bisexual guy. I'm no stranger to all things gay, lesbian, bi, however I've never dated anyone quite so transgender before. So this part is new to me, but in a really positive and beautiful way. He's someone I've known for many many years and this new found love of ours is totally unexpected and at the same time feels so right, and very natural. So yeah, happy days on that front. The problem is my I can't stop getting annoyed at my family. This realationship is very new, say a month, and we're taking things very very slowly. One of the best things about this is neither of us feel a need to rush anything, and there's a real sense of calmness at the heart of our, errm what's the word, union? Anyway so there's still a lot of friends and stuff who don't know yet. I am digressing. So my family don't know anything yet, but I'm guessing they suspect, which is fine. What isn't fine is the snide put downs and lameo imitations they do of him, and not in a fun friendly way, I mean it's a little passive aggressive. They've never done this before with this guy, only since we've been spending heaps of time together. Don't get me wrong this guy doesn't need defending, he's a strong cookie. It's just my utter disappointment in my fam at their total immaturity. They're not homophobic, quite the opposite, but this caper is homophobic and I'm quite, no VERY miffed by it. I was in a relationship with a straight transgender guy a few years ago and they didn't have a problem with him at all. My new beau, aside from being bi is a lot more flamboyant and in your face so perhaps this is what they have a problem with. To be totally honest I don't think of people as a sexuality, their just people in relationships with other people. And the transgender thing is just, I don't know, some people identify with a gender and others identify with dolphins and kittens or whatever. It's all part of human complexity, of which I'm a big fan. A part of me wants to just spill my guts at them and lay everything on the table. But another part wants to keep them at arms length for now, as it's none of their business. One family member believes bi is just gay in denial. For goodness sake!! Bleurgh Any advice will be gratefully received and thanks heaps for reading. Edit: I just read this back. Perhaps my family are a little homophobic and I just don't want to see it. *sigh* I just don't know.
  7. Hi there Runrun, Gee this is a tough one. I guess try not to feel bad about feeling bad, if that makes any sense. It's a real crappy situation, there's no denying that. If it were me I'd be really hurt about coming second best to a facebook thing. Just from what you've relayed here, from an outsider this guy sounds like he needs a slap in the face of reality. As for not blowing up, they say the best way to come to an agreement is to remain calm. Try making a list of all things you need to address, if only so you get it sorted out in your head. And/or write down what you want to say to him, and kinda rehearse it even. Sounds dinky I know, but at the end of the day you're pretty miserable, and you don't need to be. Sounds like he's kinda giving you the blow off, with his head buried so far in the sand he's forgotten how to relate to you. Yeah, he needs a shake up. Hope this helps, sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
  8. Thanks Trace, I will remember that. Also carrying on as I am seems like the logical path. I guess it's a matter of adjusting now.
  9. ((((Summer)))) Don't have any answers on how to deal with this. Wanted to say though that no matter what happens you're still you, and that's a good thing! Unfortunately heart break is inevitable, my first experience I cried every day, all day for two weeks and on and off there after, everyone's different. Actually every break up is different. I know how painful it is and remember thinking the first time it happened "My god, I didn't expect this to feel like this!" It's an enormous emotion, there's no denying. I like Jeffy's idea of laughter. It's true, and it really work!!
  10. Ok here goes Mum has issues with intimacy particularly sex, pretty much hates it and wishes it didn't exist. She doesn't want to change and probably never will. Mum's been single since my 'baby' brother's conception, 23 years ago! I grew up taking on Mum's issues as my own, as most kids do to an extent. Anyway it's taken many years but I no longer view sex or men as dirty or wrong. I'm mighty proud of this. Last year the relationship I was in broke down and eventually we split. Painful as it was I recovered. I have a new man in my life now and with him things are simply wonderful. I put off telling mum about my new boyfriend for 6 months. I didn't want her to sew the seeds of doubt, like she's done before. Also we get on really well when she thinks I'm single. To be honest I felt no shame in not telling her. My boyfriend understands the situation (we've known each other for years, he knows my mum and the history between us) So I finally told mum and she didn't take it well. Ok, she won't admit it out loud, she'd tell you she's happy for us and follow your heart etc. BUT it's the way it's said. It's all cold and abrupt, and she's only like this when it's just her and I. If there's other people there she'll put on a mask and you really would believe her! So now I wish I'd kept things quiet, not rocked the boat etc. But I can't do that for ever. The reason for this post is some of those old, old feelings of shame and feeling dirty are starting to resurface. It's only since telling mum, they weren't there before. They're just ever so slightly there, but it's enough to really wind you up - a big slap in the face. I can feel a part of me being pulled back into old ways. While the real me is saying "No we're not going down that road again" I can't talk to mum about this, believe me I've spent many years trying. She denies there's anything wrong, I think she can convince herself of her own BS. If I push the topic too long she starts throwing things and slamming doors. It's just useless having 'a talk'. I've tried writing letters too, she either tells me I'm full of you know what or throws them in the bin. I can tell she feels betrayed that I didn't tell her sooner, and I knew this would happen. But hey, she also knows why I didn't tell her. God, you wouldn't believe how well get on when she thinks I'm single. One other thing, Mum has absolutely no social life (there's that fear of intimacy again) So in her mind at least me being partnered up is to her like 'losing a friend'. In reading this back I realised how much I'm making mum's problems my own. How on earth do you get past this one, once and for all?
  11. Hey there, Yuppers, can relate to this one. I worry about tragic things I can't control and may not ever happen, and yeah it keeps me awake sometimes. You're definitely not alone, goes hand in hand with OCD. Agree with Duggie about exercise, the post-it-notes sound like a neat idea too.
  12. ((((Thehighlander)))) my gosh About the truth and lies, fact is you probably will never know because there will be truth and fiction in what both sides say. I know a small part of what you're going through, as recently I started to see things from the past in a different light. My parents included. I hope you can, or are able to continue therapy. You don't deserve to feel this way, both emotionally and physically. Do you know where the stress is coming from? That is, do you know the root of it? I'm not asking you to post the answer to that if you don't wish to. You probably already know finding the cause is a big portion of the battle itself. I have been through a breakdown myself, suicidal urges included, what I came away with was massive realisations. I guess the way I perceived things when I was young vs the truth as I see it as an adult. My only regret was not seeking help sooner. I battled alone and it was futile as years later, when I thought I was 'over things' they only resurfaced tenfold. I guess what I'm trying to say here is reaching out to anyone, be it a therapist, a friend or even these forums is a step in the right direction. Also I think everyone on this planet deep down wants to please their parents or those who raised them. If this is part of what you're facing, I must say it's impossible to please everyone and this can make it even harder to become your own person. It sounds like you're reaching a crossroads in your life. Heck, I wish I had more wisdom to shed. Will say though that these forums are a massive help, people here really care.
  13. Wow, thanks everyone for the awesome replies Not sure what their internet set up is. Mine is completely separate, on another (desktop) computer which I use solely for internet and it's all cables which go from a 'surfboard modem' (which sits on the desk, so I assume it's external) into the back of that computer. It's not a shared computer. Just a habit of mine to use one comp for the net and another for work. The work one, my laptop, gave me an icon in the err 'icon tray', when I clicked on it, said something about wireless, d*** I wish I could remember, it was some time ago, and I simply closed that icon/program and didn't give it a second thought until I moved in with these guys. This icon would come up more frequently and I'd simply close it again. (this time without reading what it said) Anyway I started to ponder it, which lead to me asking them stuff and here I am today. This laptop has never had internet on it, I assume it's wireless internet capable, as the manual and this icon suggests, I mean most laptops are these days. The only other thing I did is find a couple of switches with led lights which used to light up, and now don't, since I switched them "off". I can only assume they're 'off' as they don't flash now, (there's no other indication of on/off, even in user manual) Since switching these switches the mystery wireless icon has yet to appear. So I assume after all this the thing is safe guarded against anything untoward. But what of the time before I did all this, d*** I wish I knew to do it before I moved in. (Doh!) As for my roomies well, one of them just decided he wants to be a trainer in this field. So hey, I could totally be his apprentice. I so wanted to crack that joke when I heard. But I kinda bit my tongue instead. Trace, I think being over involved in the games is precisely it. Also I probably sound like their mother nagging away. Maybe they just don't wanna talk shop out of work hours. I guess my question to them must be the equivalent of them asking me if the black piano keys go louder than the white ones. But if the roles were reversed I'd still answer Arboria, thanks for the kind words, it means a lot. Well I guess no internet means no antennae. Certainly don't have Wifi or anything installed. Just the basic Norton which screams at me to be updated via the internet, to which I answer it 'no'. May or may not have my head in the sand about updating Norton. It yells "You have 2 items affecting your computer", and when I check it out, 1 is no internet connection and the other is the fact it hasn't updated. Which makes me laugh for some reason. I don't expose this computer to anything except the music files I create, and the programs I use to create them. So I don't see updating anti virus/firewall stuff necessary. Maybe I'm being naive there. Shannon, woe be tied you take an interest! Sheepwoman, I'd love to get one of them offside to ask. Alas this opportunity has alluded me thus far. I used to know computers backwards until about 2004, all this new gadget stuff goes right over my head, especially the mysteries of wireless. Give me cables any day, you know where you stand with cables, if you don't trip over them first.
  14. Tweed


    Hey there Data, I'm a bit the opposite to you in that I bury myself in projects and have to force myself to take breaks, if I do at all. Point is depression always attacks what we love. I go through periods of near insanity because I do nothing but work work work (I'm a musician/writer myself) Although this may seem completely the opposite, I believe it's the same thing. That is depression attacks that which we love. Something you said rang a bell, about playing music and sometimes it's a joy and sometimes not. I went through that and in the end realised it was because I got stuck in a rut. The music became routine rather than expression. Once I figured that out I enjoyed it once more. Anyway I just wanted to offer this possibility in case it's true for you too. In any case what we want out of life takes effort but all effort can be broken down into baby steps. Hope this has helped a bit. Take care.
  15. Here's the situation. I'm living with a bunch of guys who are all fine to live with. The problem is their all techheads, that is they love their computers and games. That's not the problem though, the problem is rather hard to put into words and I'm having a hard time trying to type it out. Ok so these guys have "LAN parties" , (which means they hook their computers together and play games, share files etc) I'm very much an outsider in all of this. I live with them some of the time and when I'm not there I'm staying at my boyfriends place. With my job it's easier and cheaper this way. Ok so these blokes I live with treat me fine, I mean we all get on really well. Except when it comes to what I do in my spare time. I'm a pianist/singer , I write and record music every chance I get, it's something I take seriously. These guys know this, they can hear me doing it (pianos are really loud). I've already squared it with them about the music and they said it wasn't a problem before I moved in. It's really not a problem for them, and their loud games aren't a problem for me. I use a computer to record I understand computers, but I don't understand LAN. The problems started when I asked this question: Me: "Hey guys, is there any chance all of these computers (reffering to their games computers) could interferer with mine?" Guys: "What do you mean?" Me: "Well, I don't know anything about LAN but with all this connectivity going on I don't want any of my music leaking into your set up through wireless means or whatever" (I really don't understand a thing about LAN) Guys: "Huh?" Me: "You know, accidental data leakage, I don't want it and want to know if it's possible" Guys: *mumble stuff and shrug me off, go back to gaming* These guys jobs are all to do with networking computers, and problem solving company networks etc, All things beyond my understanding. The point is they get paid to know all about things to do with what I asked. So I feel bullied and offended when they shrug me off. This has been going on for about a month. During all this I've read my laptop's user manual back to front looking for answers (It only told me where my stupid 'network card' is within the computer and said nothing about how to use it!) I've searched the net looking for answers to my questions but all sites talk to you as if you know what a fancy chip *insert ridiculous model number here* is...Oh, yeah one of those, of course! Come on, I graduated in 2000 and not with a degree in serial numbers. I'm still asking the LAN gang about data leakage, but with no mumble translator I get no answer. So what's the deal here? Am I encroaching upon their 'territory' by asking this? Is this their way of keeping me away from their 'superior knowledge'. I've gotta say it certainly feels this way. It's not like I want to know what they do, a simple. "No, it's fine you've nothing to worry about" or "Not sure let me check something" Will do, and all this'd be over. Instead I get angry, frustrated and upset and they ignore me still! I feel as if they want me to freak out or something. I tell them all this and yup, they ignore me. Apart from this we get on quite well. There is this other thing which could be connected to the problem. I used to talk to them about my music, in the context of general chit chat. You know you talk about work, talk about your hobbies, just makes sense. But I stopped talking about music because whenever I did they all went silent and it was very odd. Almost as if to say 'we don't wanna know'. This puzzled me, and then I decided I just wouldn't talk to them about music. This was before I asked the big question. Which makes me now wonder if they didn't wanna hear it cause they didn't understand it. Like a fear of not knowing what to say maybe. It was weird nether the less but it's not like I lost sleep over it. I am however losing sleep over this crap. I'm not sure if it's just now that I feel bullied/ignored or, I just don't know but it's really hurt me. Especially since they know music is my outlet for depression. Perhaps that's the most hurtful thing of all. Plus the fact that we get on otherwise is puzzling. Now that I've typed all this out I feel rather picked on. Jeeze Louise, it's always the small things that set you off. Anywhoo, thanks for reading and any advice, opinions, tips will be gratefully received. Thanks again.
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