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Martin P.S.

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About Martin P.S.

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  1. This is great! I can relate, I was also an A student, never had much friends or social skills, but I dreamed of going to med school and being really successful.. Fact is, I did go to med school and as I'm cursing my 3rd year, starting to make friends and have a real girlfriend..... BAM! This thing hits me. Took a year off, went back and finished it, but it was never nearly as good or easy, seems like a mediocre version of what I used to be. Anyways, thanks for the post, I don't feel so alone tonight because of it : )
  2. Thank you so much! I finally get the feeling i'm being understood, Each and every reply i've been getting on this thread gives me a sense of relief i haven't felt in a long time. People usually think of a break-up or separation with a pre-concieved vision and offer their help without knowing how much you are hurting. Personally, i found very few people at the time that actually understood how serious my pain was. I'm sure most of them could not imagine that i would still be suffering for years to come..... and i don't blame them. I've received help and heard advice from all kinds of sources, But this forum is just something amazing, Its so recomforting to find a place here in DF where i can tell this story after so long, and find support from others who can relate to it! That is indeed priceless, I'm thankful beyond words. I'm gonna print all of your messages and keep them close to me, so i can read them whenever I think of her and what we went through. This really means a lot to me, my best wishes to all of you
  3. Thank you, so much, Helium , Violet & Linda This is indeed a very sensitive matter to me, and I feel better just by the fact that someone has the kindness to discuss it with me. You understand most people around me are way too tired of this by now, but to me it's still there, and I'm certain its something I will carry with me throughout my life. I'm just hoping, even though I may never forget what happened, that maybe, just maybe It might be possible for me to move on one day, with this part of life. I sure know, that I learned a lot from this relationship (hurting or not), and I'm sure it happened for a reason and probably ended for a reason aswell (even if I still cant comprehend why). I like to think of her as an angel, who came to my rescue when I was falling into my disease, she helped me a lot during the first stages of it. I just wish I could have showed her how much I love her for doing so, I wish I could have showed her how much she means to me (and still does) But anyway, I really, seriously thank all three of you, It really makes a difference and I do feel much better!
  4. If all you could find is abusers, or you have a PTSD over someone, at least you can work your way out, if you break up like everyone else, you do have another chance. But if it happens because of some random event like LACK OF SEROTONIN, you get so confused, don't even know what to feel.. its hard to get over, almost as if one of us died I often feel like I'm the one who died, in a way.
  5. At least you could say "oh, someday that person will come my way..." but if all you have left is a story, and a broken heart, all you can hope for is a miracle, or a chance of meeting other person that you might never be able to love as much as if you could have, back when your heart was whole in one piece, and that is just not fair to a partner I'm afraid I will never be able to love someone as much as I loved her. I'm afraid I will always compare her with anybody I meet. And if I ever cross her again, what am I gonna say? That I married someone else? And if i ever have the chance to be back with her (let's say it happens), Am I supposed to leave my 'current partner'? Am I supposed to have an affair because 'i still love her more than you?' It sounds ridiculous...
  6. I know, yes it's a long time... it's just that when something hurts you so bad sometimes it feels like yesterday. This was the most painful time I've had, and even though I have moved on in other aspects of life, and I have some days now where I don't think of her, but she keeps coming back to my head every now and then, sometimes I smile but others I just drown in tears. When it comes to relationships, she always comes back, you know? I've heard many people tell me over the years that maybe one day i'd find someone better, even people who actually know her. But it's like, I DON'T WANT SOMEONE BETTER, i only want her because to me it's like I feel that depression took her away from me! I've done everything possible to get my life back, but the only part of it I will never recover is her, and that is so frustrating! I still care about what she thinks of me, because when I was sick, I was very mean and unfair, when you have depression you turn into someone else, and you do and say things that you don't mean. You loose interest, you hurt the people around you, and my conscience just won't let me live with that.
  7. Thank you, seriously I've been in this forum for a long time, but i don't post much 'cause i know there's so much people in need and i don't want to bother, but when i do come back and post is because i really need to, I don't like to whine all the time to everyone, but some things sometimes seem to be more than i can take. And i'm really glad you people are still around for us, THANK YOU
  8. Thank you both, for your replies. I have been in therapy for a while and still am, it has helped me a lot getting over the guilt, and having the courage to talk to her again after years of avoiding seeing her, and feeling so embarassed and guilty. I feel better being able to make contact with her again and not have her thinking i turned into a madman or a monster. It feels better to actually have a normal conversation again after so long, but it still tears me up inside the fact that i will never know what would have happened if my illness had not crossed in our way. I will never know, and that is what rips me apart. I never had any luck dating or anything, i was 20 at the time and she was the first and only time i ever felt what it's like to be in a relationship and considered one day getting married or having my own family. I don't know why it had to be the same time my illness showed up, and it was the worst timing it could have had... I never felt that way again, i never felt interested in someone else again, That's why i'm now 30 and unlike all my friends, i'm still living with mom and dad. I guess having a relationship is just not something meant for me, period. But why did it have to be this way? The pain is still there, it doesnt go away
  9. It's been 10 years already.... 10 years, and I am still hurting. My depression ruin our relationship, the only one I really ever had, which only lasted for 8 months, yet like I said, I am still hurting, and blaming myself for everything. I know she doesn't hate me (she writes me back a few lines sometimes), but I also know I will probably never see her again, much less have another chance.... I've stop thinking about "not wanting to live anymore", I have come to learn there are other valuable things in life that are important and can also make you happy. I know love is not only meant for couples, but also for friends, family, and whatever God you believe in. Still I can't help but wonder if my life would have been much easier if I had never met her, maybe I wouldn't have suffered for so long, and who knows, for how much more... ?
  10. Hang in there buddy, maybe start by changing that name, just the name... for something more positive, or at least, less negative. You might not get much from the people around you, but don
  11. This last weekend, i got the news (through facebook), that a collegue of mine died, but i
  12. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  13. That's ok, I'll never forget what it's like. I failed 3 times in the summer of 2000 and barely got it at 4th try (but nobody knows that) So what? You wouldn't believe how many people flunk these test and just don't tell anybody. Give yourself a break. And by the way, i ve been driving for +10 years and never had an accident, so that really doesn't mean much, believe me.
  14. Good to see you're holding on. Stay close to your doctor still, and feel free to speak, to anyone of us.
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