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Elfie

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About Elfie

  • Birthday 12/04/1962

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  • Location
    Texas, USA
  • Interests
    Writing; singing; Christian music (mostly rock/alt and modern praise/worship); scrapbooking & rubberstamping; sailing in small boats and dreaming about tall ships.

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  1. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  2. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  3. Happy Birthday :)

  4. Happy birthday!

    :)

  5. Deet

    If you ever come back....let me know. I miss you somethin' awful.

  6. Interesting thing is, I picked up the mail from yesterday to move it from the table to the counter (the "mail-shuffle"), and there was this brochure in it from something called "Marriage Life" or something like that. One of those Christian marriage-retreat weekends that promises to turn your marriage around. I stuck it inside DH's laptop so he'll see it when he gets to work today. Don't know if God's trying to tell me something, or what, but it might be worth the couple of hundred dollars (including overnight at a hotel). I'm really tired today. Stress has a way of doing that to a person, ay? But I'm having lunch with a friend at the Cheesecake Factory today, so that oughta perk the day up!! Who can be too depressed when there's CHEESECAKE?? Yeah, don't know what you do with kids when they hit the teen years. I've got a really good book I started reading called "Parenting Without Perfection" ... if I can get past the "there are no guarantees" scary part, I think it will be a good book. That is, if my ADD will "let" me actually keep reading it. (You ADDers know how the not-finishing-anything routine goes.) I have been going to a "Women With ADD" group once a week. My psychologist started it up, and it's been great. There were six of us in it, one had to drop out, the other one has been twice (we call her the "invisible member", but the other four of us have been pretty consistent and it's starting to click. Funny thing is, I think it's about to turn into a marriage-therapy group! Without the husbands. One lady is divorced, one is just hanging out in her marriage "for the kid's sake", one has a really, REALLY dysfunctional, flako husband, and my marriage is far from perfect. But it's good therapy just to go find out that I'm not alone! Okay, gotta run get ready for my lunch date with the cheesecake ... er, I mean my friend! Oh -- a shameless plug here -- everybody, "GO" out and buy the new Newsboys CD. You'll love it!! (Plug ends here) Elfie
  7. Hey, everybody! I haven't been "foruming" much at all lately, whether here or anywhere else. Not because I'm tired of y'all, I just have been doing other things and so haven't had much time to take for forums. Generally, things have been going well. I switched to Wellbutrin XL a few months ago, still take 5mg of Lexapro just to mitigate the little bit of agitation I was having. It's really helped the depression alot. Lost 20 pounds (mostly through calorie counting), so feel better about how I look. But, all is not well in Elfieville. DH is still driving me crazy, still having depressive spells, anxiety ALL the time, and I am really distancing. I don't want to, I do love the guy and I'm committed to him, but ... I don't really know what's up. I've spent too many years trying to analyze everything in my life, and suddenly find that it just wearies me unbelievably when I do that now. And, I'm having a "spiritual crisis, of sorts" (okay, NOBODY but me would know that's from the Newsboys' movie "Down Under the Big Top" which is hysterically funny). Not enough to stop believing what I believe, but I've just been in a desert for so long, and I've stumbled across a few oases here and there, but I still feel pretty dry. Although, thanks to the Newsboys and their new album that just came out ("GO"), there's been a bit of a stirring. 'Course, now I'm struggling with exactly how God wants me to "go", and coming face to face with some ugly realities about myself that I hate. No reason to bore y'all with them, but sometimes I despair of myself, I really do. My brother's wife announced to him out of the clear blue a couple of months ago that she wants a divorce. They've been married 26 years. Don't ask me what I think of her right now, it's not very Christian. I'm sure if I were Amish I'd be quite forgiving, but I'm still struggling with that where she's concerned. My SIL (DH's sister) is still hanging onto her will to live by a thread, and he has become the counselor-getter-through-the-day-guy for her. She's mostly doing better, but she still has days where she's just on the edge, and she calls him up to help her get through it. And work (his work) is stressing him out like you wouldn't believe. Y'know ... tonight I just feel pretty down, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with DH (short of ship him off to a monastery somewhere on an island off the coast of Ireland or something), and DS is THIRTEEN. Last week he was great, this week he is driving me crazy. This isn't the life I signed up for. Of course, in reading devotionals with DS tonight, the one I randomly picked in the book was about giving up our rights and our wills in our relationships and giving of ourselves to make them work. I'm trying, Lord, really! I'm just pretty drained where all this is concerned right now -- I'd appreciate some extra strength, compassion and love! Oh, well, at least the Newsboys new album is totally awesome. Nothing much else is. I thought I had this beat ...
  8. Yeah, I know, but I still hate it ... oh, well. I think God wanted a perfect world, but we humans screwed it up. He'll fix it all one day, I believe, but I just wish that day would hurry up and get here! Thanks for being a Faithful Reader, Gonzo. The world needs more folks like you!!
  9. Okay, the good news is, I have been doing MUCH better lately -- God's been showing me a whole lot of "stuff", and reminding me that I do so much better when I get my eyes off myself and onto Him. And, for the most part, I've been doing better at that lately. And I've been meaning to blog about that, but I've been busy, so I haven't made it over here in a week! Now, to take my eyes off God for a moment :sad: : The world has just gone mad. That's all there is to it. Not only the stuff with Israel and Lebanon, and with Iraq, and with North Vietnam, but we have terrorists STILL plotting to blow up the world via commercial airliners, and particularly those that have anything to do with the US-Britain route. And DH and I have a very special anniversary coming up in two years -- the 20th anniversary of us meeting each other in London. And we had hoped to be able to go back to London then and take DS with us and just go all over where we used to hang out, all that fun stuff. Yes, it's two years away. And we may not even be able to afford it then. But I DON'T want this stupid spectre of terrorism hanging over our heads to keep us from going. And it WILL keep us from going if it's still like this, because I'm not an ***** and I don't want to risk someone blowing up my son, or blowing me or DH up and ruining DS's life. Yeah, yeah, I know, we risk our lives every day getting into the car and driving around town. That's one of those "risks you have to take". But the whole terrorism thing just really infuriates me. Who the heck do they think they are deciding who's allowed to live on this planet and who isn't? Why should my life suddenly have to be filled with fear and disappointment and all that just because someone doesn't think my country deserves to exist? Let them have their opinion, I don't care. But don't ruin my life just because you don't agree with my government. Heck, I don't agree with them half the time, either. But I'm not gonna go blow up Washington DC just because I have issues with the President. Yeesh! So then what about New Zealand? I desperately want to go there someday. I mean, to the point of considering renting a huge sailboat and sailing there ourselves (except that we'd sink in about ten minutes out on the open ocean if we couldn't come up with the money to take a bluewater sailing course). So, no, nobody's threatening to blow up planes to EnZed yet, but if they're targeting planes in the U.S., there's always a chance ... Ugh. No, the real issue here isn't whether I get to go back to London or to New Zealand someday. The real issue is that I just cannot get my mind around the kind of thinking that says someone deserves to die just because they don't conform to my belief system. I may be a Christian, and I may have strong beliefs about who will and who will not make it into Heaven someday, but as far as life on this earth? Hey, everybody here has the right to live their lives in peace and safety without having to worry about some fanatic ***** deciding they don't have the right to even be alive. EVERYBODY. Okay, yeah, that's Utopia and I know we aren't gonna get that, but that doesn't change my deep, deep disappointment that the world is this way. Okay, God, shifting my eyes back to You now ... thanks that You'll take care of us no matter what. And if "the worst" does happen, well, it just means I get to finally be with You. But since that will be for eternity, and we only get a short shot at this planet, I'd like to hang out here as long as possible, especially if my loved ones are still here. (Although, at the rate this world is going, maybe hanging out here isn't really all that appealing ... oh, well.) Grace & peace to all, in the midst of the world's insanity, Elfie
  10. I am now officially the mother of a TEENAGER!!! Part of me is terrified , and part of me thinks it's kinda cool . I definitely feel "old"! So far (twelve hours into this) he's doing just fine. lol So, yes, I am sick for his birthday. Sinus/ear infection (again). I feel rotten, even though I did start an antibiotic last night. It didn't help that I was up past midnight making his cake (key lime cheesecake -- yum!!), and that he was so danged excited about becoming a teenager (not to mention getting presents) that he was up and down all night having trouble sleeping and telling me about it! I finally decided he must be trying to re-enact his first day out of the womb It worked. I'm almost as exhausted today as I was then! (Considerably less pain, though.) So it's actually happened. The day I thought was eons away has come. This means that I will blink and he will be graduating from high school and off on his own. I know this is the way life is supposed to be, and I wouldn't want him to stay home all his life and be a Mama's Boy, but this mothering stuff definitely has its emotionally-hard moments. And staring the teen years in the face is, well, scary. DS is an awesomely good kid -- good Christian, tenderhearted, sensitive (in the good way), brilliant, funny, caring. A little egotistical, I will admit (maybe "self-assured" describes it better). But he's going into this with (hopefully) his eyes wide open. We have talked about the stupidity of drugs (he doesn't want to lose any brain cells!), about the follies of alcohol abuse (like getting killed in car wrecks), kinda skirted the premarital sex thing (he's still not very comfortable talking about that), and discussed that rebellion is just plain stupid because it ends up hurting the rebel even more than those he is rebelling against. At least as far as "teen-age rebellion" goes. (Sometimes rebellion, as in, for example, art styles or breaking out of a tired and rusty music mode, can be good.) And we are, of course, praying for him every day and trying to model for him what it means to be growing toward Christlikeness. But it still scares me. I hear so many stories of "good kids gone bad" that I know we can't just go naively through this thinking "Oh, he's a good kid, he'll be alright." I mean, I never thought MY DS would become one of those kids who listens to others more than his parents, but there have been a few instances of that lately. Nothing bad, not like listening to peers trying to get him to do drugs or anything, just that, when Mom gives advice he's begun to ignore it, but if a non-parental-or-grandparental-type person gives him the same advice, he listens. So I know I can probably expect some of that other "typical teenager" stuff. But I keep trying to reinforce with him that we think he's going to be an awesome teen, one of those kids who are really committed to Christ. Honestly, there is no "cooler" kid on the face of this earth than a teenager whose life is completely committed to Him. So we're praying that's how he'll be, and trying to lovingly GUIDE him that direction (hard to just guide without shoving, prodding, pushing ) We (DH and I, and one set of grandparents) will be spending a whole lotta time in prayer these next few years. (Not like we haven't been praying for this kid all along!) And I imagine for the rest of his hopefully very long life! Not that he'll ever read this, but: Happy Birthday, DS!! You've gone from your head fitting in the crook of my elbow while your little bottom was in my hand, to being almost taller than me in 13 short years! You've gone from sweet baby coos to a voice that is already beginning to deepen and change into the voice of a man. You've gone from being dependent on me for your every need to stretching your wings a little and pushing me back. You are absolutely the handsomest young man in this universe, and you have a precious, tender spirit to match. In short, kiddo -- you ROCK!!!!! (Hmmm ... maybe I'll put that in his card!) Off to pluck some gray hairs, Elfie
  11. Fog and then clearing, fog and then clearing ... I'm trying to recover from almost ******* myself at the gym this morning. This was unintentional, but I got all revved up about actually ENJOYING working out that I overdid a little. I declared it "cardio day", so just did the cardio machines instead of weights. And since I hate doing any machine for more than 15 minutes, I rotated and did four different machines -- treadmill, elliptical, recumbant bike and some other thing that was kinda like a cross between an elliptical and a stair-stepper. The last one nearly killed me. But I was determined to do the whole 15 minutes, and I did! So, I'm proud of myself for sticking with it, but now I am total jello. All that to explain that I'm probably not going to be terribly coherent in this post, but I feel a need to brain dump here. I had my weekly psychologist appt yesterday. Kinda got blindsided because even though we started out talking about whether or not I had set up a special place in my house to have Special God Time (more than just a quick Bible reading) -- and I hadn't because I am VERY good at procrastinating -- we ended up spending almost the whole time talking about my marriage and just what my problem is with it. Well, okay, we didn't exactly nail the problem, but it seems I have a need, for whatever reason, to just be angry with DH. She asked me why I thought it was important to hold onto that (as if I know -- hello, lady, YOU'RE the psych!) She said we need to work on this (obviously). It was a weird session because I never could really articulate what I was so mad at DH about (other than that he doesn't always treat me like Her Royal Majesty the Princess Elfie all the time). And I realized that I DO "like" being mad at him. But I don't really know why. Maybe because then I don't have to feel guilty for things not being the Total Fairy Tale I thought they would be? Hey, it's easier to blame him than take much responsibility, I will confess. I guess I'm so good at beating myself up all the time that I just subconsciously decided I didn't want to beat myself up about this. But I do, anyway, so I don't know what good that does. Anyway, I left the session feeling like the worst, most horrible person (specifically, WIFE) on the face of the earth. What kind of CHRISTIAN wife harbors the desire to stay perpetually angry with her husband? Especially when that husband is a really nice guy, is completely devoted to her (in his own emotionally-stilted Norwegian way), and she loves him? I mean WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? So driving home I had the worst bottoming-out I've had in a very long time (and I've had some pretty major ones lately). Part of it was that I hate facing up to the fact that I am not the Good and Perfect Person I have always aspired to be ("measuring up", you know). I am a Bad Person. I mean, let's call a spade a spade here. I am the perfect example of what the Bible means when it says, "There is none righteous, no not one." Most of you (my large fan base here ) probably think I'm a pretty good person. And probably alot of my Faithful Readers think I'm a Pretty Good Christian. But here is living proof that I am, though "good" in the world's eyes, so NOT good by God's standard. Okay, I know this doesn't make any sense to y'all, but it does to me, so that's all that matters. So, yes, driving home I HATED myself. If I hadn't been driving my dad's very nice Maxima (he doesn't like me driving my cr*ppy old Taurus on the freeway -- can we say Overprotective Parent? I knew you could), I would have been considerably more reckless and careless. It was rush hour, too. For a few moments I just really didn't care if I made it safely home. But, of course, God reminded me of DS. No way could I do that to him, never intentionally. I reminded myself that, if for nothing else, I am here on this earth to raise this amazing young man that God has blessed me with. And then I realized that Satan would like nothing more than to destroy DS's life and turn him away from God. Good way to do it? Ruin his parents' marriage OR get his mom to off herself so he would be emotionally scarred and mad at God for the rest of his life. I'm not saying I have no responsibility for my failings and flaws. I'm just saying that the Enemy would love nothing more than to use them for destroying a young man with a whole darned lot of potential to be a Man After God's Own Heart. And that made me really struggle with just everything! But God is REALLY good, and by the time I was on the last stretch of road before home (this is a 45 minute drive we're talking), I was feeling a little better. And, thankfully, today I am back on the rational side of my brain. So ... guess I just needed to share that. Aren't you blessed? I could certainly use prayer, though. I know that this is going to be a LOOOOOOOOOONG struggle. Somehow I have to figure out why I can't let go of the cave AND why I have this "need" to have a constant underlying anger toward my poor DH. And at the moment, I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I need God to help me, but I get the feeling He's not gonna just sweep in and do it all for me. *SIGH* Well, I think I've cooled off enough to go take a shower now. Yesterday I took my shower at the gym when I was still a little toasty, because I had a chiro appointment afterward, but that was pretty much a disaster. I couldn't cool off enough to put my makeup on without it sliding back off my face (Houston-style), and I ended up with caked bits here and there. I had to go out to the car, get the A/C going full-blast in my face and THEN finish putting on the nasty stuff (I don't have enough self-esteem to go without). Next time I think I'll just let the chiros live with working on a sweaty post-worout me. They didn't mind when I was working with their trainer there, so they can just live with it now. Y'know, I have the greatest parents in the world, but they could have done a bit better job preparing me for the Real World. This Princess thing is a little tough to overcome. HRM Princess Elfie
  12. Elfie

    Desperation

    LBD, are those devil horns on your little black duck? Okay, I don't want either one of you to get the big head about my saying you're right ... that was THIS ONCE, okay? Yeesh, you give a guy a compliment ...
  13. Elfie

    Desperation

    Both of you are, of course, right. Just call me "Elfie -- Control Freak Extraordinaire" You'd think by now I'd learn to let go and let God be the One in control!
  14. I don't even know where to begin today, except to say that I'm feeling desperate, thinking the "S" word again, wishing I could just run away somewhere free of all the stuff that screws with my brain all the time. (This paragraph has to do with an entire blog post I made earlier, then deleted ...) DH straightened me out about the chiropractor, in a way. He said I shouldn't ever base my opinions on the kinds of websites I was talking about, but I should look up the American Medical Association's website and see what their opinion is of chiropractic ... so I did, and they're actually fairly "neutral", as an organization. No chiro-bashing, but no dire warnings, either. So I think I'm okay with going back. HOWEVER -- DH definitely does NOT want DS going back until we have a "normal" orthopedist look at him. And trying to explain that to my chiro isn't all that easy. I talked to the main chiro on the phone this morning, and that's part of my "mental mess". My take on the whole thing in general was that we're really hurting financially (which we are -- DH is really worried about our finances), and that we can't afford any more chiro stuff right now. So she said she so much wanted to keep treating me that she's willing to do it for FREE until we can get back on our feet. She really believes she can help me, and she believes she can help DS, too, but I finally just had to take the "DH is being a poop about this" line with her to make her see that "NO" means, well, "NO"! But she wasn't happy (of course). So now I feel rotten about her doing mine for free. Funny how I've always thought people who wouldn't accept charity when they really needed it were just being stubborn, but now I understand their feelings. It feels wrong to get this care for free. It's her job, she should get paid for it. And I don't exactly feel like a charity case, although we really are struggling, and if DH's company were to go under we'd be in BIG trouble. It just feels weird and wrong, and I really, REALLY wish I'd never gone in in the first place. And, of course, when my brain gets like this I get the whole gamut of black thoughts about myself. I wish I could even put them into words, but really, alot of them are more like feelings than thoughts. I feel like there's just something inherently wrong with me, that I'm some sort of blot on the face of humanity because I've got the "Cinderella Syndrome" thing going (always expecting to be rescued), and I can't handle something like this chiro thing without feeling REALLY BAD on both sides (DH's and the chiros) -- why am I caught in the middle, why can't I just make a decision and stick with it? I am so spineless! I would rather be friends with unattainable Christian rock artists than make efforts with the people around me. I want to run away from everything hard. I don't even just want to stay in the back of this cave, I want to find a new one to run to and hide! I am weak, I am unable to hold up my end of life anymore, and I'm even having trouble crawling up to God to ask Him to take care of it (rescue me, God! ) So, today I am a total mess. I can't even imagine how I'm going to make it to the end of it. By the grace of God I've made it to the end of all the other days, so hopefully I will this one, too. I just wish I could run away for a little while and escape. (What a loser!)
  15. Reading my Bible this morning was like a drink of cool, fresh water. I'm in Romans now, and I love the way it addresses faith issues so directly. After my reading, I thought, "Okay, God, I've been running too long on how I 'feel' in my relationship with You. Sorta forgetting that it's about FAITH, not feelings. So today I choose faith. I choose to stand on that solid rock again and know that You are what it's all about, not me, and that You love me so much You don't want to leave me where I am." And I feel (oops -- 'feel?') so much better about that. Like I said, more like I'm on a solid rock than shifting sands. Whew! I don't know what today holds. I do know I'll be researching CPAP machines and masks! Oh, well, I DO love the guy, even when he makes me furious. The exterminator is coming over later this morning for our bi-monthly service. Our house, as usual, is a mess, so last night I had my guys help me get things at least decent for him to come in. DH asked me why we had to clean up for the "bug man" (with a teasing hint that I was doing it because I wanted to impress the bug man, a faux jealousy tease), and I laughed and said, "You didn't seam the least big jealous the other night that I was drooling over Phil Joel's hair, but you're worried about the BUG MAN?" So we do have our good moments. (Yes it was good -- banter is good!) Well, since the Bug Man will be here in an hour, I've got to get showered, dressed and ready for the day. Hopefully today my obsessive thoughts about the Meet & Greet will be fewer.
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