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About Waynef48

  • Birthday 08/07/1959

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    I love swimming, hiking, going to clubs and the movies, a romantic walk in the park after dark, dinning out, modifying my car, etc, all the above when I'm not having a panic attack or a depressive episode.

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  1. I hope you have a fantastic day :)

  2. Happy Birthday :)

  3. I'm just coming off Effexor for the second time, for the same reasons, too expencive and i hate the side effects, but more so, because the reason for taking them was to numb the loneliness i feel not having a woman in my life. I realised that anti-depressants were just a band-aid on a severed leg and that untill i got the "love of my life" all the anti-depressants in the world were just a waist of time and money, hence as i said again why I'm coming off. I'm also coming off because of the fear of the posibility of "brain damage" as I've heard and read reciently,...hope it's not true. I just don't know what to believe anymore, some say yes it does, some say no it doesn't cause brain damage, who do i believe?????
  4. I agree with Lucinda, your medical condition should remain private and the less people u tell the better off u r, however, i believe your close immediate relatives that u live with, and your boss needs to know. My family doesn't really take my major depression seriously and sometimes u can hear it in the way they talk to me or other family members about it. It's very hard to hide it from the people u live with, especially at work. I believe your boss needs to know so that if and when your panic attacks, anxiety attacks, attention disorder, etc, affects your work, at least they will know why and not say u r being incompitent, lazy, or sabotaging the work. But "friends" (except 4 your "best friend/s") should not be told. I found out the hard way that even my church brothers and sisters are not to be told unless they themselves r depression suffers. I shared it once in my "care group" from church and the self-rightous, super-spiritual, finger-pointing, scornfull, remarks i got from them made me want to scream. I haven't been back since and don't intend to. I told my pastor and a few people that i thought were more mature and empathetic, asking them to help me form a "depression support group" in church but up to this day have not heard anything from them. With a depression group like that, then i can share openly with people who r like me and who won't make those stupid remarks. But as a rule, the less people u tell the better off u r, because they don't understand what it's like, never will, and out of their own ignorance will just send u deeper in your depression with remarks like "get over it" "deal with it" or "snap out of it". Wayne.
  5. I can identify with what u went through and how u feel Anthony and what everyone has said so far. I now feel so numb, more depressed than ever and worst anti-social than I've ever been. Every Christmas and New Years it's the same thing and it seems to be getting worst as i grow older. I've actually stopped phoneing up my friends. I just don't care anymore and can't bother. Sometimes they call me and ask me why have I thrown them away. I usually tell them to join the long line ahead of them of freinds cussing me for not keeping in touch. What they don't know is my only real friends now are friends like all u hear on D/F and depressiontribe.com.... I just don't trust them anymore and because they just don't understand or refuse to understand what I'm going through, i stay far from them, no excuses, no appologies,no regrets. Wayne.
  6. I taperd off my Effexor and self medicated on St. Johns Wort and B12 Vitamines. It was one of the worst mistakes i made. Had i been still on Effexor, i might have not suffered as much as i did during the Christmas and New Years season just gone. I need to get back on, but ohh the cost is so high i just can't afford it. My doctor was thinking of putting me on something stronger but i haven't been back to see him since. I think i will make an appointment and see him as I'm really not doing too well. I had once attempted to quit Effexor cold turkey and had to go back on immediatley. I started to see double, my eyes got dazed, i just felt weired and sick. I wouldn't recomend self medicating to anyone, it's too risky and dangerous, and attempting to quit cold turkey is just as bad, if not worst. Wayne.
  7. Hey Brittnou, I totally understand just how u feel. Although I'm a man, i can totally identify with what u r going through. My "periodic prosmiscuity" is due to my low self esteem, sevear loneliness and major depression. I'm not trying to find an excuse for promiscuity, there's none actually, it's wrong and completely dangerous, but when people like you and I have come out of a relationship in a very emotionally traumatic way, usually we do end up searching for love in the wrong places and with the wrong people, to fill that empty place in our lives and in our hearts which once was occupied with true love,...or so we thought,... There is just this drive and compulsion to engage in the next best thing or part of a great relationship, and that is sex. I have to be carefull even with a seemingly harmless hug, because sometimes when i hug a plationic girlfriend, there's that yearning, that craving for "something else" to happen, because my heart and soul are like a dry sponge there's that tendency and temptation to become so volnurable that i "fall",..usually not in love, but in "lust"..am i makeing sence???....when u mix loneliness, frustration, depression and desperation together you get PROMISCUITY . Some people are just plain lucky and blessed and don't end up like us, but trust me, there are a lot of people like us who are just too ashamed or shy to say yes they are indulging in promiscuity. Now usually promiscuity turns into sexual addiction,..and that's me,..unfortunately. Some people believe that self gratification actually helps somewhat and eases the sexual burning, pressure, need or desire to be promiscous. Although this is a wrong belief, it actual works for some people, (like me). The best remedy though is geting therapy and professional councelling from a psychotherapist or sexual addiction therapist. Did u say u came off Effexor????,..cause if u did, trust me on this one WRONG MOVE!!!..if i had only stayed on it maybe i wouldn't be so promiscous myself and a chronic self gratifier. That medication really did put a "damper" on "things" and i had less urgess to be promiscous or to pratice "self love". I hope my shareing will be of help to you. In the mean time please don't condemn yourself or put yourself down because of this. Hang in there girl. Some day you and i will find the right partner and settle down, get married and put promiscuity behind us for good, but first we need help, we must admit that, seek help, stay on our meds, cross our legs tight, and hope for the best. God bless u, and good luck. Wayne.
  8. I can't believe i actually survived Christmas and the New Year. For a moment there i really thought i was going to have a neurvous breakdown or **** myself,...neather happened,...i'm alive,...i made it,...i survived,...i still hurt like hell but,...i just hope the worst is over. I could never go through another Christmas and New Years season like this again. How did u all make out???, do we have a head count going????, is eveyone accounted for???...I spent last night on my knees in tears and prayer, just as 12:00am midnight passed. I'm now so numb, tired, frustrated, confused, hurting,more depressed than ever, dissapointed that my desire and prayer to be able to spend the season and end of year in a serious relationship (leading to marriage in time) just didn't happen,...i think the phrase is "Better luck next time",...or in this case, "Better luck next year",...NOW!!!???....I cried bitterly last night and this morning. I wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow, or for the rest of the week for that matter,....or month?. Anyhow, happy new year to all of you my friends hear on D/F. I wish u all health,wealth, prosperity, and long life. May God bless u all,..happy new year. Wayne.
  9. Waynef48, I am giving you a BIG HUG right now! I'm putting my arms around you and hugging you for as long as it takes to make you feel better! Doug Hey Doug, thanks so much for the hug. I really needed that, Thanks so much.
  10. the pain is worst now for me,....i cry almost every day now,...the pain of depression makes you wish you were dead,...just to escape the pain,..my loneliness just amplifies the pain a hundred fold...the pain is oh so much worst now,...i just hope i will survive the remainder of this season,.....God i need a hug so bad
  11. Gran Torismo 4 is my main "weapon" of choice,...when i do play it,...some day i want to go on line and race against the top moto sport racers around the globe and anyone on d/f who has the game and plays too. Wayne.
  12. I have a "love/hate" thing going for love songs, R&B, soul music, waltz, and the like. They are mostly what i listen to due to my sevear loneliness. But not having a "partner", a woman to call my own, to love and marry, it's not really healthy to live on those kinds of songs as they can be very depressing adding to my loneliness and depression,..yet i love those songs. Even my co-workers tease me every day saying how come i don't have a girlfriend and yet I listen to love songs as if i am in love. Sometimes tears come to my eyes as i listen to them, but i just can't stop listening to them. I have a very romantic heart even without a girlfriend and so it comes so natural for me to listen to these love songs even though they can be classified as "depressing music" for a person like me,..crazy ain't i??? Wayne.
  13. Just popping my head round the cyber door :)

    Hiya, How you doing?


  14. I walk up to you (individually),..my arms outstretched, and so is yours. We embrace. We squeese eachother so gently yet firmly. I feel your fingers pressing into my back and realise that my fingers is also pressed into your back. I feel your gentle yet laboured heaving of your chest as you breath in and out. The right side of my face and head is pressed snuggly onto the left side of your head and face, like a siamese twin. We rock ever so gently side to side, sometimes almost in a semi rotating, twesting movement. We moan together in obvious satisfaction and the emotional, psychological healing and releasing feelings is so relaxing, releaving, we both begin to fear that the other will break away too soon, severing an emotional umbilical cord that binds us, mind and soul, together. Then the tears come, and with it the convulsing shaking of both our bodies. We cling tighter to eachother fearing the trembling would somehow shake us apart. We caress eachothers backs, sometimes clutching a fist full of the shirt, blouse or dress we're wearing, as we hang on for dear life. The moans come and goes now, mmmmmm, and an occational "God this feels sooooo good",...or "thanks so much, i needed this soooo bad",....or just the sobs, incoherent murmors of greatfullness and emotional release. The hug goes on to what seems like hours, indefinately,... Then comes the hard part,...ending the hug,...that reluctant tearing away, severing, pulling away,..and we both (all) can only hope that enough energy, replenishment and empowerment was recieved during this long hug, enough to last us till the next hug, and the next and the next. Now that's what i call a real good loong hug, thanks to you all on D/F for such a hug, until the next time, we need to hug more often, both male and female alike, I hug u all, i love u all, i thank u all. Wayne.
  15. Yes i do feel like I could be pushed over the edge. I'm more teary eyed, fidgity,anxious and desparete as Christmas and New Years comes closser and closer and closer. I feel sometimes like i'm loosing it,...i'm so tired,...so frustrated and confused. I have a couple of Christmas parties and dinners to attend, but i wonder if i would really go at the last moment,..knowing me. I've started exercercising and watching what i eat,..notheing seems to work anymore 4 me,....it's a meracle i even still make it to work,...so tired of playing the hypocrite laughing, smiling and cracking jokes just so that no one suspects just how screwed up i really am,...wish i could just curl up in bed, turn out the lights, draw the curtain and squeese my eyes shut long enough till the end of the world and Jesus comes and put me out of my misery,...God i hurt SO bad i can't explain,...wish the pain will go away,..so tired of crying,...tired of feeling,...maybe i've already been pushed over the edge but I'm too numb and confused to even notice. Wayne.
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