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Everything posted by psychocandy

  1. Yeh to be honest - I realise how much I miss even going into the office. At the moment, I know I'm lucky to be working but WFH is not for me. Wife here, kids here, even MIL here a few days a week to annoy me....
  2. Yeh pretty much how I feel to be honest..... A lot is annoying me/upsetting me in the world right now. I guess this is par for the course for people like us. Everyone is having a bit of a hard time - its just some of us are closer to the edge than "normal" people so its more likely to have a more profound affect.
  3. Many meds over the last 20 years..... Sertraline was the last one I took probably 2-3 years ago. Worked quite well if I remember correctly. Med free since then. Bad news is I'm back on it. Yesterday was day 1 of 50mg Wish me luck!
  4. Was on this for years and worked fairly well..... GP has started me again on 50mg which seems low?
  5. I guess I'm way from being the only one.... Got a long, long history going back almost 25 years. Off and on various meds over the years. Been pretty good and med fre probably 5-6 years now. Relationship is mainly good, etc. Its been great recently. Of course, Im LUCKY to still be working and working from home. Its been tough though everyone stuck at home. Now its easing a little its worse I think. My elderly Dad can be a bit demanding, now he pretty much seems to want me to catch up on all missed visits. I feel like hes trying to run my life now. My MIL the same. She used to stay maybe 2 nights a week before - it was bearable because I was in work mostly. Now since shes been stuck in for months she wants to spend 3+ nights a week here. I'm the bad one the kids love having her here and I feel bad because she struggled a lot recently, but I'm here at home most of the time and not used to having her here so much. That's stressing me too because I'm sure shes pushing for more. Of course, holiday/vacation plans probably cancelled. Nothing to look forward to. I REALLY don't want to go back on meds. I know I know but side effects etc etc. All the grief etc etc. Having to speak to doc etc. And I know its stupid but its been so long since I had to take meds......... At the moment, I just feel like I need a MASSIVE chill out boost to just make me let things slide along as they are, not let people or things bother me so much. I just wish I could say "nah I dont care"
  6. Used to be a regular on these forums... I've been good for a few years now. Wife has had her own problems in the past. And shes been having a bad time of it lately - back on meds. Its been tough during lockdown - as I'm sure it has for lots of couples. First, talking about my faults. Yeh I can be needy - I'm sure I'm a right PITA to be honest. I try not to be but I know sometimes I can get, as the saying goes "up on my high horse" sometimes and take things a bit too seriously. So its our wedding anniversary today, she gets me a card which said something "despite lumps and bumps over the years we can be grumpy when we're old". Stupidly I made a comment "what lumps and bumps?" BAD BAD BAD IDEA. Wife went nuts. Accused me of doing it to try and control her by ensuring she get the RIGHT card next time. Accusing me of doing this all the time. Confused me a bit? Asked her to explain and only example she came up with is I refuse to put things in the attic because its full, and I know she can't get up there so I'm controlling her and getting what I want by refusing. I must admit I don't get it - Lazy maybe but controlling? Never my intention anyway. Surely something like this is a disagreement. I tried to explain to her that I had no idea she felt like this but, again, no other examples. I've been googling it and I honestly don't think I am controlling. I dont want to be. Annoying lazy PITA husband maybe. I dont know how she makes the leap to controlling to be honest. Then I remembered what I was like when I was really ill some 20 years ago. Everything was negative. Everything had a different meaning. Everything was like seeing life through a dark cloud. I'm mega sure I was probably just like this but I can't remember. Can anyone else relate? I love my wife to bits, I try not to be a PITA but its really upset me that she thinks I'm controlling. I just can;t see it. Any positive advice here for me? Other than let it go because shes not herself and give her some space?
  7. Got plenty of experience myself with mental illness myself and its tough for him but at the moment I just can't get through to him. Hes causing such a huge strain on the family and its making me ill again. Diagnosed over a year ago with OCD. Im in the UK so access to proper healthcare is poor. We paid for him to see a private psychiatrist and he now takes Sertaline. Psych also suspects Aspergers. His behaviour has got increasingly violent. Three times he has assaulted me - last week he punched me in the face several times. Even the slightest thing seems to set him off - any sort of disagreement with him at all. After last week we removed his PC, mobile phone etc. Today he kicked off because I wouldn't give it back because he says we dont trust him. We've caught him this week sneaking his phone and using his PC. Hes been given things to do by his counsellor - keep a record etc. He just can't be bothered to do it. I bought him a book for teenagers about Aspergers - cant be bothered. Trying to get him to go on forums with other young people like himself - can't be bothered. I've tried to explain to him that we're not taking things away from him to be spiteful but things have got really serious now (after the punching) and he needs time to think, try and start doing the things the counsellor suggests etc. I know full well when his PC is back then there is no chance of anything else making a dent. Its almost as if hes forgotten/doesnt care about last week. Counsellor is currently considering whether he has OCD even. He spends hours in the bathroom doing what he needs but says he does not stress about. He has no panics or thoughts of something nasty happening. He can play PC games for hours, take an hour in the bathroom, then go back. Its almost as if hes settled on this is how things are going to be so never mind. At home I guess hes in his comfort zone. He takes his meds when he can be bothered too. Interesting he has no issues at all at school. Teachers look at me as if I'm talking Greek when I ask them if there are problems with him. It is only at home. In a way its lucky because he would have been excluded from school/in a police cell if he'd done what he does at home. Then again sometimes I wish he would because then we'd have someone else to fight our corner. We just can't get through to him at the moment but can see things sliding down a very steep slippery slope especially with the violence. Im a big lad and can handle him but hes bigger than his mother and hes got a 4 year old sister (who he has lost his temper with once or twice). I just don't know what to do..... :-(
  8. Yep I get it. No patience to wait and see what works. Same as me. Its tough - you want it sorted now. Not willing to wait weeks to see if anything happens... So many books I can't cope. Which one to read and focus on....
  9. Thanks Poetic - tried many books and things over the years inc that one. Same for me with CBT and stuff- I just can't get into it. Its as if my head is telling me "it won't work you're different its real" and I probably dont have the patience. If it doesnt work in a day I lose heart.I sort of tell me "so you just write down, and put a reason down why its not like that. what a load or crap. Theres now way that'll sort me out". Bit silly really because its proven to work, I maybe expect too much.
  10. Do you know what lonely I feel like that too.... Its spooky. But I only remember the negative bias stuff not the positive.
  11. Thanks Tracy. Not just me then. I think back to something wife said or did 20 years ago and think did she have an affair? Which then leads to me thinking so does she lie all the time about these sort of things.
  12. Hi Epictetus, Thanks for the reply. Over 20 years many meds and lots of therapy. None at the moment - medfree which might be the problem.
  13. Big problem for me at the moment.... Pretty sure this is depression/anxiety. Part of the problem is recognising this and distancing myself from the feelings... Some examples:- 1. Someone will say something to me a little bit off - I will ruminate for days. Play through scenarios in my head etc. 2. Someone will do something to upset me - same again. Probably worse one - I will think about things my wife did in the past (sometimes 5-10 years ago, sometimes 20) and think "was she having an affair?" We've talked about it in the past and shes always said nothing has ever happened and I've believed her. But of course I tend to forget the positive signs and discussions and focus on the negative things that happen. Being selective if you like - I can't seem to get a proper picture in my head. Most of the time I'm ok (say 95%) but it sort of creeps up on me every few few months or so and then as above I can't forget it for a while. Of course, pretty sure most of these things are anxiety/depression (long history of it). But my mind still tells me - no its not that, you're right to be annoyed, or you're right to be suspicious of your wife. Then I can't think straight and just wish I could decide what was right and whats wrong. Of course, following through on some of these ideas in my head would be a bad idea. My wife has put up with my insecurity for years. With other people, I get wound up then it all fritters into nothing or the huge event in my head doesnt happen. I guess I need practical advice on lettings go. But anyone else get similar?
  14. Initial specialist appointment two weeks ago now and nothing. It was with a nurse sort of like an assessment = it called CAMHS in the uk. I get the impression they got the appointment in to meet their targets and now its back on the waiting list. Things continue to get worse. I dont know if its all related but its moving away from OCD onto general behaviour which apparently is everyone elses fault. I would say 6 days out of 7 we have him screaming at us. He refuses to do a thing even pick up dishes hes used. He just kicks off. Its starting to affect the health and wellbeing of the rest of the family if I'm honest. His 4 year old sister is scared to go near him. My wife who has Fibro is in bits (a lot of Fibro is stress related) and I just cant wait to get to work to get away from him. Mental health provision in this country UK is appalling. We've tried and tried but no-one is interested in helping. I tried to call the primary care people the other day (not CAMHS but someone else he had an appointment with). They promised to call me back - took them THREE WEEKS to call back. I can't help thinking no-one will listen until theres a death or serious injury to someone. Seriously considering taking him to A&E kicking off, refusing to take him home, and let them deal with him. It might focus attention.
  15. Having experience myself I know how tough things can be and how hard it must be for him. Mental health services for teenagers in the uk is appalling and we've waited months for a specialist appointment (and the GP wont prescribe meds until hes seen by a specialist). We've paid for counselling and tried to do things right to help him. But, the counsellor confirms, he just cannot be bothered to help himself or make any attempts. Hes getting worse and worse, and just seems to do what he wants at the moment. He seems to blame everyone else. Hes very aggressive and can be violent. He throws things, punches cupboards. We've tried to get him to walk away and go and calm down (and he promised to do this) but every day now he will stand in the middle of the floor and shout and scream and when you ask him he will refuse to move. Then he'll say what are you going to do about it and come on there! He seems to want to escalate things even further. So far, Ive walked away from him. You realise you can't physically force a 14 year old. Hes got a 4 year old sister who he does this in front of and gets very upset. We also suspect hes hurt her once or twice by being rough or pinhcing her when shes annoyed him. We really want to help him but we fear hes becoming a danger for others in the house. Its just going to take one day before he loses it completely and escalates the violence. I fear one day coming home from work and hes physically attacked his mother (who hes bigger than) or his sister - I just know it. I know its not his fault but surely we've got to draw the line somewhere sensible. Anyone in the same situation - what can we do? Not keen to get social services involves because they may make things worse - Im not a big fan....
  16. Yes I think there are more things in the mix. I appreciate hes got OCD but is combining with the worse ever bad teenage attitude. He seems unwilling to help himself at all. To be honest, the counsellor has made it worse. I know he comes across to strangers as such a shy and quiet lad. She seems to have empowered him that these sessions are private, not for us, that he can take his time, and not be forced into things he doesnt want to do. In a perfect world! But there are things which are difficult to say that to. For instance, today he seems to have added a new thing about not having a shower. Which is new. Of course, the response is "My counsellor said I dont have to do anything I dont want to". Really like never have a shower! Like I said new today that one. Hes the sort give him an inch and he'll take 400 miles. I could happily throttle the counsellor at the moment. He has no interest in keeping his family safe. He does things that are so silly they endanger others in the family. See above. His attitude seems to be that this is how he wants it and everyone else doesnt matter. Which is why I think theres more to it. Yes I think I will escate it with CAMHS. All these agencies/counsellors just say yeh ok it takes time - in the intervening time it all goes to pieces!
  17. Thanks epic - all advice welome - thanks. Thing is in the uk we have the nhs is free but for some things the wait times are massive. Private appts are then very expensive. Talking £200 ($260) for one consultantion.
  18. As sufferer of depression/anxiety myself I know full well that you don't know unless you've walked in someone else shoes and its not a weakness its a problem Sons OCD is causing us problems though. Hes always been a quiet lad but he started getting a bit strange about cleanliness. Been referred by GP to childrens special unit (CAMHS its called here in the UK). There is a waiting list. So we're currently paying for him to see a counsellor. Problem is since this time hes getting worse. To be perfectly honest, I'm not 100% sure if he feels hes allowed to do these things now. The councillor has, if anything, made it worse, by telling him he doesn't have to tell us anything, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to and has told us it will take time. Trouble is thats not always practical. We've tried to be supportive to him. I understand you're not supposed to validate the behaviour but we've tried little things to help him cope. For instance he wanted anti-bac gel, he wanted spray to clean the bathrooms. He only wanted to use one particular toilet in the house (our ensuite in the master bedroom!) so we let him do these things. Problem is we told him and told him not to put things down the toilet or it'd block. We've caught him putting floor wipes, anti-bac wipes, rubber gloves down there. I spent hours yesterday unblocking it. Finally got it out of him that he doesn't think its "clean" to put these things in the bin. The spray bleach - he will literally spray a whole bottle everywhere. Wherever he is, on furnitures, floors, toilets, showers. He won;t wipe up - he leaves it wet because its "cleaner". Obviously, this causes a bit of a hazard for the rest of the family. We've got a 4 year old also whos slipped and fallen on the tiled floor. We;ve got cats who walk in this bleach puddle. No attempt to ask him not to do this will work. This weekend, like I said, he blocked the toilet, after probably 10 warning not to do what he was doing. Then he got very very aggressive, got in his mothers face and pretty much threatened her. I almost had to step in and physically restrain him. What can we do? We want to help him but its getting to the point where hes causing issues for the rest of his family. With a 4 year old (who he won't go within 10 yards off because he thinks shes dirty) is very upset and thinks her big brother hates her. Not to mention the dangers he is causing for her. What can we do? We can forbid him from doing something but I pretty much cant physically stop him. Hes proved that he will do these things regardless of what we say. Someone please help. What we find strange is his bedroom is a pig sty (like all teenagers of course). His personal cleanliness is the same - hes not very clean at all. Yes this does not bother him at all. But he comes out of his bedroom and thinks everywhere else is dirty and everyone else is dirty. I just don't understand.
  19. Hey hazzy. Thanks. Yeh she knows I look at things differently to here. To be honest, I know some of the feelings are valid but I do tend to overdo it on other things too. After all, whats done is done, and is just a "thing". Just wish I could think more like that. Of course, wife has her outlook on things. I cant force her to be like me lol.
  20. Wife recently lost her engagement ring of 25 years. She'd stuffed her rings in her handbag to play sport and then forgotten about them for a few days. Over that time it must have fallen out. Silly thing to do but she has a bit of a problem with things like this. Remembering things etc - she has fibromyalgia which I understand this is one of the symptoms. With working, the kids, sometimes she really struggles. But its gone. She never been the most sentimental person. To her its just a thing - real life is what counts. As an example, she doesnt visit her dads grave. To her, even though she misses him lots, hes not there so whats the point in making a grave so important. So she was annoyed at losing the ring but I was much more upset. Its insured so we can get a replacement. It wasnt the best ring but all we could afford at the time. She sees this as opportunity to renew it and get a nice one. Which I suppose after 20 years of marriage is a way to think about it. BUT, I can't let it go that she lost it. And I'm still upset by it. Probably not healthy and I should let it go. It is just a symbol, and theres nothing that can be done. I'm just making myself ill now. Any suggestions/thoughts?
  21. He was taking this once at night to help with pain for his polymyalgia. However, after an ECG the doctor told him to stop taking this. Not sure what dose he was on but he stopped taking abruptly. I didnt know this. For the last few weeks hes been complaining about fatigue, aching, loss of appetite and general depression. Im thinking hes getting withdrawal? Really annoyed with the doctors over this. Hes 82 and doesnt understand. Has anyone else experience of this? Im assuming even on low dose you need to taper?
  22. Dad is 82. Generally in good health. A few months ago he had a bit of a chest infection. Hes pretty much ok now apart from a bit of a cough. But he still wont let it go. In the last few months, hes called the doctor out about 5 times. Ambulance twice. Been admitted to hospital once. Every single doctor and paramedic has said there is not a lot wrong with him. His hospital visit lasted overnight they sent him home next morning. Hes now waiting for tube down throat to look at his lungs. I think they're only doing this to keep him quiet. There is nothing wrong with him. Hes had arguments with his GP whos told him this. Yet he constantly rings me. One day hes fine next hes ill and its all due to his state of mind. What can I do? I've tried to say he needs to talk to his doctor about his anxiety (Ive 20 year experience of this!) but hes old fashioned. Depression doesnt exists in his head (he knows nothing about me). Hes the sort who says well just snap out of it then you've got nothing to worry about.
  23. Been med free for years but now it looks like Im back. In the past, tried most of them, prozac, seroxat. effexor, citalopram, clomipramine.... Wondering how sertraline compares to these?
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