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  1. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Week of Wed, October 9th   
    I have been unbelievably exhausted in the morning, especially considering that I am generally getting to bed at the unholy early hour of roughly 930pm.  I think my body is finally tired of the spring time change - my natural circadian rhythm seems to match the fall time change best. I wind up spending most of the year feeling like I'm not quite getting enough sleep. 
    Wed, Oct 9th storms threatening this morning - will have to try later; - too hot after work, didn't make it
    Thu, Oct 10th too exhausted this morning after my shower, didn't sleep well;
    Fri, Oct 11th     Missed
    Sat, Oct 12th  missed
    Sun, Oct 13th   missed
    Mon, Oct 14th   missed
    Tue, Oct 15th 
    exhaustion has been a real problem for me lately. partly hormonal, partly emotional - in large part, I am tired of being here.  I'm working on a blog post.  for now, it's dinner with one of my kids tonight.  the small things keep me going.
  2. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Inspiration   
    Inspiration is wherever you find it.  In a way, I think it is really within all of us, and all it takes is just that one little spark of whatever it is to find it.  Like looking for something you lost - you know it's around there somewhere, you just can't remember where you left it.  And then you see that little something, or that someone, or hear that snatch of song, and you get your 'second wind', you feel like maybe you can move forward again, or do whatever it is you've been struggling with. 
    So, inspiration is wherever you find it, because it's really inside you, and you just need something to remind you of that sometimes.  The things that inspire us are as varied as we are - often it is not even the same thing that inspires us every time.  And inspiration is not always a profound, 'aha' moment.  Sometimes it is just a quiet recognition, a small echo in your heart when you see something that strikes a chord. 
    With that in mind, I was going to leave a few images, but I cannot pick just one.  So here is a link to my Pinterest page, I hope you can view it.   
  3. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Week of Wednesday, July 3rd   
    Wow!  Today (July 3rd) makes 14 straight days of me getting up and walking in the morning!!!!!

    I'm not actually sure if Dean would approve, but I"m pretty sure he would appreciate the effort.  Okay, so he probably wouldn't care, but it helps to think he might.
    I almost didn't get out and walk because my ankle has flared up again.  But I told myself to just get out and walk my short 5 minute walk, and once I got outside - an hour earlier than usual - the birds were singing, the sun was just peeking through the clouds.... I tried to get video with birdsong in it, but it didn't turn out very well - mainly because I turned the phone sideways partway during my video.  You can really hear the birdsong a few times, though.  So if you just close your eyes, it's not too  bad.  I'll try again tomorrow. 
    So I glided over another milestone, which I don't expect to be repeated yet - I actually looked forward to my walk.  I feel like this is a combo of taking my antidepressant at night and putting real effort into making walking a habit every morning.  I set my alarm for 600am CDT, which of course means my body decides to wake up at 450am.  So I roll over and basically doze off and on until 550.  I got up and was out for my walk about 600.  The birds were really singing, the sun was just lighting the sky, it was awesome.  It makes me want to get up at 600 tomorrow morning so I can maybe hear the birdsong again.  I'd also like to try recording a few minutes of it and seeing if I'm smart enough to download it.  LOL. 
    Wednesday, July 3rd   1.14 miles/23 mins; same route as yesterday, only today I gain a mysterious .3 mile somehow...
    Thursday, July 4th  Total: 1.62 miles: 930am- 1.1miles/19 mins normal loop (lost that mysterious .3 mi); 7pm .52 miles/26 mins Canton Lake Hike trail
    Friday, July 5th  1.45 miles/26 mins - normal route plus an extra loop - I was taking pics for my Pacer app, so it took me longer. 
    Saturday, July 6th  1.1 miles/22 mins -
    Sunday, July 7th  1.73 miles/31 mins - it was 85F, still as death, & I nearly collapsed from heat exhaustion. 'God I love summer in the Midwestern US', said no one, ever.
    Monday, July 8th  .81 miles/15 mins - had to cut it short, my system is still a little wonky from yesterday.
    Tuesday, July 9th  1.1 miles/18 mins - it was sprinkling off and on
    July 5th: I didn't sleep well last night - I had anxiety attacks off and on most of the night.  It was a near thing that I even got out this morning.  But I felt that urge to walk, and it helped me get over the 'tired/out of sorts/everything is wrong/I cannot face the day' mode and get out there.  Since I discovered the route mapping ability on my Pacer app (I've only had it for 4 or 5 years, lol)  I find that I am looking forward to walking new routes so I can map them. 
    July 6th:  I had a late night and was tired; my alarm actually woke me up for once.  My body is getting accustomed to walking when I wake  up in the morning - that and I find I don't want to break my streak.  The urge is there - it's pretty weak still, but it's there. It's just enough to get me out, if I tell myself I'll just do half my normal loop. Ended up doing my normal loop anyway. I feel like the habit of it - and knowing I have a streak going - are making a difference in getting me out there even when I'm pretty tired.
    July 9th: It was hard to get out the last couple days, but I think that's because I haven't slept well.  I've been off my workweek schedule a bit due to stress. But it has helped to think that I don't want to break my streak.  It was sprinkling off and on when I walked - nearly went to the gym instead.  My ankle hasn't been too bad at all - barely even there, as long as I wear my trusty tennis shoes with the insole in them.  I wore another pair of shoes - still with a decent insole, but not my special one - and I was hobbling for a day and half after that.  Ugh. At least I found something fairly cheap & over the counter that works.
  4. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Week of Wednesday, June 26th   
    Well, I've been battling ankle pain and stiffness - I am using the insoles my family doc recommended, and it has helped the pain in my heel and foot sole tremendously. I still have places of weakness in my ankle, doc says this is basically an old injury flaring up. In addition, our car went into the shop Tuesday June 25th, hopefully we get it back by tomorrow.  Bad bearings in the tires and some loose wires in the ABS system.  So wow, thank you Higher Power for keeping us safe thus far.  Anyway, I won't be walking to work at 7am as usual this morning (Wed June 26), since I will be walking to work, about 830.  (.8 miles, about 15 mins on a bum ankle)
    Still trying to remind myself that ________ is better than nothing.
    Wednesday, June 26   Total: 1.48 miles.76mi/15 mins - my walk to work, with a short side trip; .72mi/16 mins- my walk home
    Thursday, June 27th   Total: 1.81 miles:  .76 miles/14 mins to work; .49 miles/12mins from the snow cone shop to home; .56 up to the store and back
    Friday, June 28th   .86 miles/15 mins to work; got the car fixed, yay!  Back to a more normal, gradual walking routine again this weekend!
    Saturday, June 29th    .82 miles/14 mins; one of my normal routes, nearly back to routine again
    Sunday, June 30th    .82 miles/14 mins; normal route, nearly normal time of day
    Monday, July 1st    .82 miles/15 mins; normal route, @ normal time (645am)
    Tuesday, July 2nd   1.1 miles/21 mins; normal route, plus a little extra
    Tomorrow (July 3rd) will be two weeks/14 days that I have managed to walk every morning. Yay!  Today is 13 days in a row!  ✨🚶‍♂️💥
  5. Like
    SpiralingMind got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Uh oh   
    Maladaptive daydreaming:
    Maladaptive daydreaming, also known as excessive daydreaming, is a disordered form of dissociative absorption associated with vivid and excessive fantasy activity that often involves elaborate and fanciful scenarios. It can result in distress, can replace human interaction and may interfere with normal functioning such as social life or work.[1][2] People who suffer from maladaptive daydreaming can spend more than half their days in "vivid alternative universes".[3]
    Maladaptive daydreaming is typically associated with stereotypical movements, such as pacing or rocking, and the need for musical stimulation.[4] One of the lead researchers of maladaptive daydreaming and the person who coined the term is University of Haifa professor Eli Somer.[5][6] Somer's definition of the condition is “extensive fantasy activity that replaces human interaction and/or interferes with academic, interpersonal, or vocational functioning.”[7]
  6. Sad
    SpiralingMind reacted to Tearz for a blog entry, Meeting Shmeeting   
    Tonight was probably the worst Al-Anon meeting ever. Not because of the people but because of the subject matter. Since I was sexually abused as a child and as an adult, I have grown to view sex with disgust. The mere thought of getting "intimate" with anyone invokes an immediate urge to vomit. Even someone touching me without expecting it makes my skin crawl. I have three children only because I was taught that sex was expected, not a choice. Since I have been made aware by my therapist that I do have a choice, I have chosen asexuality as my lifestyle, and have happily embraced my non-sex life for twelve blissful years! Tonight in our meeting we read from this book called "Intimacy and Alcoholism" or something like that. I wanted to jump up and run out as soon as the first sentence was read aloud. Maybe I should have. I was triggered so heavily that I now have a raging migraine, my eye is twitching, and I have physical sharp pains all throughout my body. FCK. Tonight's meeting SUCKED for me, and now I feel way worse than before I went, worse than I have felt in a long while. 
  7. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Misha-ing.....   
    I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well.  I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban.  But mostly Misha.  When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen.  😑 (that last is latin for 'for forever'). 
    I suppose for some people, there is great difficulty in focusing on anything that is not their 'Misha', and for some, that can be a profoundly negative experience.
    I just know that thinking about Misha or Karl is vastly and inestimably preferable to having all my 'manifold sins and wickedness' (read mistakes) play on eternal repeat in my head.
    Do you like how I've swallowed a thesaurus here?  I must be somewhat more discomfited than I thought, because that's what happens when I get flustered, LOL.  The words get longer.  On the page it's somewhat artificial, but not by much.  On the page I have time to think, but I still pretty much write whatever comes into my head at the time. Sort of modified stream of consciousness writing.  (stream of consciousness, ie James Joyce' Ulysses, a headache I have yet to tackle). 
    And funnily enough, I have yet to get back to watching Supernatural.  I am far too connected to Castiel to watch someone else play around with his life. (read: have the writers torture me).  I haven't watched since before Christmas. I don't understand how I can do that.  Obsess over an actor but not watch the show he's primarily known for and my favorite character.  I don't even want to meet him, TBH.
    Interacting with people IRL is one of my phobias - actual phobia.  As in, avoiding unnecessary interactions interferes with my life.  I don't socialize outside of my family. Period.  I work in a library, which I feel is as quiet as you can get in a 'service industry' job.  I would far prefer a factory job, but those are not available right now, and I cannot jeopardize my job.  It taxes me to a degree I cannot explain to have to 'people' every day.  Like that Castiel meme where he is talking about how whatever he's about to do will apparently require 'interacting with people' and his 'people skills are a little rusty'.  I avoid grocery store trips whenever possible, and generally even then do not get out without taking Hubby with me at least 80% of the time. 

    It's called 'anthropophobia' and the medical definition is a 'pathological fear of people or human companionship'.  I am convinced that being forced to interact relatively deeply with co-workers that I would not choose to interact with ordinarily on a daily basis exacerbates my tendency to feel disconnected from myself, my emotions, and my family.  It is not something that 'gets easier' with exposure.  Interacting with patrons does not bother me nearly as much, because there are certain 'rules' that govern those interactions.  When patrons do not act in a way that is consistent with those 'rules', I am prone to anxiety attacks.  We have a semi-regular visitor who I believe is possibly schizoid, and his behavior is generally somewhat erratic, though never violent (so far).  I generally end up having a low level anxiety attack when he comes in, because his behavior does not conform to the typical 'rules' that govern patron-employee interactions. I also find myself profoundly at sea and profoundly confused about what to do or when to step in when he interacts with other patrons.

    So actually meeting Misha Collins would be more along the lines of a 'waking nightmare' than a 'dream come true'.  But that would be true even of my favorite authors. Even meeting some of you DFers intimidates me.   It takes a relative sh*t-ton of courage for me to even reach out via email to one of you. Skyping visually is utterly out of the question still, but I am getting used to regular text-like interactions with some staff members I work with.  I still cannot even think about chat either, because the 'real time' interaction level is waaay too much like face to face convos.  And you guys are by and large unfailingly encouraging, so I know it's not you - it's my phobia, utterly and completely.  Interacting online or via text feels more 'real' to me than face to face interactions.  I guess that should be no surprise, considering that I generally feel so 'disconnected' during those interactions. 
    I really need to get into therapy for it, though.  Not to get rid of it necessarily, but to help me find ways to cope.  That sense of disconnect is so profound and so consistent through my entire life that I feel like it is more an expression of my personality than a type of faulty coping mechanism, does that make sense?  There isn't any 'traumatic event' to 'cause' this - this sense of disconnect goes back to before I have conscious memories, and is reflected in what my parents have recounted to me of my behavior.
    Wow, apparently this is a 'thing' for me - didn't realize I natter on and on about it, LOL.  Here's Misha.....
  8. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, First Day, Sort Of.....   
    I started this blog on my first day of implementing my new year's resolution via The Mighty's 52 Small Steps program. I just realized I need some sort of concrete measuring point - something I can point to and say 'this proves I was successful', or an overall goal that everything works towards.  So I've decided that my overall goal is to lose weight and improve the shape I'm in.  I won't use numbers here, but it is easily in the mid double digits.  I'm not sure how to measure the 'improve the shape I'm in' part.  Maybe signing up for a marathon or something next year, like the OKC Memorial Marathon in April next year. I don't think I'll be jogging it, but I'd like to be able to at least walk it without hip pain after the first mile and quarter. I've decided that for my 'walk three times a week, I'll be walking Sunday, Wednesday, & Friday.  Having specific days helps me stick to it.  Hopefully later this evening I will be editing this post to add that I went on my walk after work.

    Edit 1/10 to add:  Yes, I did go walking yesterday evening after work - I stayed out for 20 minutes and went just over 1.1 miles. 👏  ✨  😉
  9. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Fight Songs.....   
    Having to re-type this because somehow I erased it all..... LOL.  Anyway....
    We all have our fight songs here.... I know we do. 
    I don't know each and every one of you personally, but I feel like it's a really safe guess to say that you all have a song(s) that help you renew your energy and your will to fight....
    Here are a few of mine.....
    Killing In the Name Of - Rage Against the Machine   -   This is a re-make done by Brass Against feat. Sophia Urista
    My favorite line - and you should try shouting this in the car or someplace where people won't look at you weirdly for randomly shouting things....
    Trust me, it's cathartic.....  Because really, you should go your own way (unless that involves hurting yourself or others...)
    'F*ck you, I won't do what you tell me...'
    Township Rebellion - Rage Against the Machine
    Favorite line - only one guess....
    Again, try shouting this - because in a way, we are at war with the norm.
    The norm tells us we're not trying hard enough. 
    F**k that sh** - we fight harder than anyone else out there, period. 
    So shout it out, because it's true...
    'Why stand on a silent platform / Fight the war, F**k the norm'
    Pull Me Under - Dream Theater
    This one may not be for everyone. 
    If you still frequently really sweat out the suicidal thoughts, this might not be true for you. 
    They don't often scare the f**k-all out of me anymore.  I'm not sure if that's good or not.
    This song reminds me that I've been down a tough road and come back alive - and not all of us do. 
     I think the song is actually about a warrior facing his last moments, and in a way, that is highly apropos...
    'Pull me under / Pull me under / Pull me under / I'm not afraid'
    Where's Your Head At - Basement Jaxx
    I love this song.  It makes me smile every. d*mn. time. without. fail.
    This is my song for myself, because I am - and always have been - a complete space cadet. 
    I love a couple lines in particular, but they may not be for everyone, especially if you are still struggling with suicidal thoughts. 
    For me, they help me keep my anxiety in perspective. 
    'Don't let the walls cave in on you / We can live on, live on without you'
    Anyway, there are other songs that inspire me, but they're not 'fight songs' - you know? 
    Maybe I'll share those later, because heaven knows everyone is beating down my door to read this, LOL. 
  10. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Introductions....   
    I'm working with something I found on The Mighty (mental health support website)  called '52 Small Steps'.  It's a more manageable version of a New Year's resolution. Basically you pick a general area - for me that is getting healthier - and plan out small steps you can do each week towards that goal.  It helps turn One Big Scary Thing into 52 smaller, I Can Do That things. 
    My resolution is related to physical health - which changes I know will help improve my mental health. 
    'Improve physical health by getting in shape and eating less and healthier.'
    Sounds pretty vague, huh?  Exacto, my compadre.  It's big and vague and nebulous, and the nebulousity (it's a word now)  is intimidating in its size and vagueness.
    So I'm breaking that down into 52 (well, actually I'm working on 50, because I've already procrastinated a week away) steps.  I'll put them here, both for my sake, and just in case there is one other person in the universe out there who might accidentally be inspired or some sh*t.  My doc has already told me that I should be walking a mile a day - this was in response to my informing him of my not so successful attempts at interval jogging.  Don't be impressed - being the good little procrastinator that I am, this convo with doc took place well before Thanksgiving.  Hey, I got there, all right?  Focus on the positive, people, work with me here! 😉 So here is my run down so far - likely it will be adjusted as time goes on.  I still have to finish out the 'healthier eating part'. 
    A.  Make walking a habit 6 days a week.  Once established, 5 days will be acceptable, given weather or health concerns.   At least 1 mile and 20 minutes.  Current paths are 1.1-1.2 miles & take 20-23 minutes. Over is preferable to under.  [est. 4 months]
    Week 1: walk 3 days this week
    Week 2:  walk 3 days this week
    Week 3:  walk 3 days this week
    Week 4: [1mo]  walk 4 days this week
    Week 5:   walk 4 days this week
    Week 6:  walk 4 days this week
    Week 7:  walk 4 days this week
    Week 8: [2 mos]  walk 5 days this week
    Week 9:  walk 5 days this week
    Week 10:  walk 5 days this week
    Week 11:  walk 5 days this week
    Week 12: [3 mos]  walk 6 days this week
    Week 13: walk 6 days this week
    Week 14:  walk 6 days this week
    Week 15:  walk 6 days this week
    Maintain walking 6 days a week for at least 1 mile and 20 minutes.  Gradually increase walking time to 30 minutes a day.  [est. 4 months]
    Week 16: [4 mos]  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum
    Week 17:  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum
    Week 18:  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum
    Week 19:  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum
    Week 20:  [5 mos]   walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum
    Week 21:  walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum
    Week 22:  walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum
    Week 23:  walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum
    Week 24: [6 mos]  walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum
    Week 25:   walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum
    Week 26:  walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum
    Week 27: walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum
    B.  Eating less and healthier.  Two meals a day, three snacks a day. Do not limit portions or foods yet. Use mints or mint gum to help limit snacks to three a day.  [est. 4 weeks]
    Week 28: [7 mos]  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 29:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 30:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 31:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 32: [8 mos] 2 meals, 3 snacks; low fat dairy
    Week 33:  2 meals, 3 snacks;  low fat dairy
    Week 34:  2 meals, 3 snacks;  increase veggies
    Week 35:  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase veggies
    Week 36: [9 mos]  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase veggies
    Week 37:  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase fruits
    Week 38:  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase fruits
    Week 39:  2 meals, 3 snacks; reduce red or fatty meat
    Week 40:  [10 mos]  2 meals, 3 snacks; reduce red or fatty meat
    Week 41:  2 meals, 3 snacks; reduce red or fatty meat
    Week 42:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 43:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 44:  [11 mos]   2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 45:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 46:  2 meals, 3 snacks
    Week 47:  2 meals, 3 snacks
  11. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Missing My Meds....   
    I've been missing my meds quite a bit the last few days.  Doesn't make it any easier to deal with everything.  I'm currently wondering how I make it through, and whether I can call this 'making it through.'
    I feel like I've spent most of my life doing the emotional equivalent of subsistence farming.  I'm working my ass off every day just to feed myself, but I cannot see any way around it.  It's like a never-ending loop that feeds on itself.  Like some sort of twisted Ourobouros. 

    I guess now that I think about it, I can see a way forward.  It just looks really, really intimidating and impossible.  For me, at least.  For normal people, it's just another day, just another 'so what' day.  For me, it feels like scaling Mount Everest. And I cannot explain how frustrating that is, for such simple things to be Mount Everest. 
    My doc wants me to walk a mile a day.  I'm working on it, but it's really intermittent, because I'm having motivation problems.  I don't want to die (which is a disturbingly new concept I am not entirely sure I embrace), but I cannot seem to be able to grab onto anything.  I cannot seem to be able to find it in me to value myself - I guess that's the crux of the issue.  I see absolutely no value in myself at all.  I am a complete and utter waste of humanity.  My lifetime would have been better served given to some poor child dying of Leukemia.  If I knew that the remaining hours of my life would be apportioned thusly, I would have taken that 'out' long ago. 
    Yet, I am still here.  By some gruesome combination of sheer cussed stubbornness and the knowledge that my leaving like that will affect my loved ones in a negative way.  I know that from personal experience, when my late first husband chose that.  It took me nearly a decade afterwards to be able to listen to 'Silent Lucidity' by Queensryche or 'Mama I'm Comin' Home' by Ozzy Osbourne without bawling my eyes out. 
    So I feel like I'm stuck in the Hinterlands.... in the No Man's Land of this gruesome war.  Frozen on the battlefield, surrounded by invisible Claymores and Concertina Wire, knowing I need to move on through but unsure which way to step, and afraid to step that way. 

    I googled 'barbed wire battlefield' and that last image is apparently from 'Battlefield I: Barbed Wire Maze of Pain'. I cropped the player names out of it.
    It just really sucks that this is what I go through to do the dishes or take out the trash.  I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I wasn't weighed down by this.
    You know?
  12. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Oh How Fun....   
    Me here with my quiet holiday.  Thought I'd be able to spend more time here, maybe respond to some posts.... but technical glitches have meant that I now have a mysterious fifteen minute window to work in before the site freezes up and locks me out.
    Beyond frustrating.  I can't seem to get started on anything, and my temper seems to be set on 'Hair Trigger' - glitches here are def not helping. 
    I hope everyone's holiday is going better than mine.  I should be grateful for a quiet few days, and I am trying to be, honestly. I guess that might be why I'm having such a problem - usually I bury these things because I don't have the strength to deal with them and make a living, you know?  And the making a living part is not exactly negotiable at this point in my life.  So I guess it's good that I'm feeling these things.  Right, we'll go with that. 
    Oh, I did get little candies made for holiday gifts.  Pretzels covered in white chocolate (they look like a third grader made them, LOL) and Rice Krispy treats (heavy on the butter just the way hubby likes them).  I'm going to try and make 'fried cheerios' tomorrow.  Don't laugh at that, I'll get upset. One of my parents made them for me and my siblings one year - we wanted popcorn and didn't have any.  Sautee cheerios in butter - proportions are up to the person depending on their tastes.  I usually do 3/4 stick of real butter (salted) to about 4 cups of cheerios on low to medium heat.  Yeah, so that's my weird family tradition, haha. 
    Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to post this blog entry, and failing that, hopefully I'll be able to resist the wild urge to throw my laptop across the room. 
    Fun Christmas GIF.  I love Chong....

  13. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, "In My Garden"   
    I had a bit of a breakdown at work today. I flashed onto the name of a daycare center near here. It's called "In My Garden". That sent me down into a spiral of despair and regret. When my daughter was little, probably 18 years ago, we made her a reading nook in the back yard. It was nestled in between some tall shrubbery, more or less hidden from view. We created a fairy ring/garden in the middle of it. She loved to sit in there, enjoying the refuge from "the real world". I loved to see her in there of course...knowing that she was insulated from the ugliness of this F'd up world.
    There are billions of kids in this world. A majority of them are dying of disease, starvation, and neglect. Others are being blown to bits in wars over greed and power. All kids should have a place in a garden of their own. I wish my daughter didn't have to grow up in such a sick mess that we humans have created. I'm so damned sad just thinking about it, to the point of despair.
  14. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Quiet Days...   
    It's been a quiet day.  I took the day off to take my youngest to the doc, but our car is so bad we didn't make it very far out of town before we had to cancel and turn back.  Thankfully it was only a checkup. 
    I've been doing my best to keep my mind off of work issues, but having to write out my observations of a recent work incident has kind of made that a challenge. Still, it's been sort of productive.  Dishes are done  -and put up.  Trust me, in our house, that's a big deal, LOL. 
    We watched the movie Next Gen on Netflix and I cried at the end.
    The robot 7723 ends up deleting his memories so he can re-upload his weapons system and defeat the Big Baddie.  Now that I'm pushing 50, things like Alzheimer's loom on the horizon for either me or my husband (or not at all), and next thing I know I'm bawling a little. Hey, for me that's a big deal.  I never cry.  So it was healing.
    And I have to say that the movie strikes me as a thinly veiled reference to Jobs and Wozniak.  And yeah, if you watch it, you'll realize I'm understating it. 
    So despite the references to the movie Next Gen, here is a picture of Misha.  Because, well, his name is in the blog title.

  15. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to Rose Chavez for a blog entry, PAY ATTENTION YOU!!!   
    The KEY word was "WERE"!!! 
    It took reading over my last blog to realize the breakthrough I hadn't  even noticed was accomplished!!! In describing my abusive mother and ex-husband, I wrote that they "WERE" my abusers. Not they "ARE" my abusers. I have worked so very hard on my mental health, to the point of dedication. I owe that to myself, to my child, to my husband, and to the one's who stuck around for me. Paying close attention to that singular and descriptive key word, brought a flood of emotion. If I have come this far, how much further can I go?! 
    The Stigma surrounding mental health is still prevalent. We are weirdos, outcasts, useless, and demented individuals. WRONG! Who in the ****ING **** wants to be "normal"?! Instead of being ushered into thinking we are burdens on society, I personally feel we should explore our illnesses and see ourselves as Non conformists! Sure I believe in God, but I also believe in the truth of science, ghosts, and aliens!!! I always wanted to have an alien and name him Frank and wrap him up like a burrito and take him everywhere. Does that make me a lunatic? No! It makes me imaginative and ****ing hilarious! Do I wear sunglasses indoors everywhere because my anxiety makes me terrified in public at times? YES! Does that make me a weirdo? NO! It makes me a ****ing rock star in my little world!  In the world of mental illness, at the brink is a lot worse than a "normal's" at the brink so to speak. Why be ashamed? Let's wear it like a badge of honor thinking , NO SHARON, your bulls*** high heel breaking and ruining your night doesn't compare to my total meltdown in the grocery store last week simply because some old lady asked why I had so many tattoos!!! Not even close, I win!!! It has always entertained me that during a catastrophe the mentally ill, like myself, are as cool as a cucumber, but the simpilist of things can set us off like a rocket into Bulls***ville USA!!!
    Try to be observant of what you are saying or writing about yourself, take notes, study it, memorize and work on it. Work on YOU! PAY ATTENTION TO YOURSELF!!!
    Friends....YOU GOT THIS!!! 
  16. Sad
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Stuck.....   
    Days like today, I wonder why on Earth I ever look up from my books or fanfictions.  I'm broke, my cars busted, and my kids need help I can't get there to give them. 
    Few things in life suck b*lls worse than not being able to help your kids when they need you.  I sh*t you not.  Don't even bother telling yourself it'll get better when they get older.
    Nope.  Try again.  It actually gets harder.  Because you have to balance the help they think they need with what they really need to learn and do for themselves. 
    And as badly as it hurts to see them fall down and skin their knee when they're little, it's even worse when they're older, because it's a lot more serious than skinned knees.
    And here I am, stuck with a bum car that can't make it out of town, and no money to fix it with. Even when I get paid I'll be playing 'which-bill-do-I-not-pay-in-order-to-fix-the-car' roulette.
    But you know what?  I refuse to give up.  Absolutely.  I may be messed up, but I've learned that much. 


  17. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, The Hinterland....   
    I feel like I'm in the Hinterlands.  I'm actually feeling pretty good; a bit tired, but good.  It's a little scary, and it makes me feel wary, too.  I am really messed up, apparently.  So I'm just going to do my best to enjoy feeling good, and not let negativity get me down.  For however long it lasts anyway.

  18. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Another one for my angels...   
    You guys keep me going.  I know it's been rough lately. 
    Storms are only temporary, but when they spin up overhead, they sure as hell don't seem
    like they'll ever go away. 
    I really hope you guys are still sticking it out with me. 
    I took this in May - yeah, I'm one of those idjit tornado chasers - hey, I"m from Oklahoma, aren't I?
    It looks cool, but there's nothing there, it's 'all hat and no cattle' as we say around here.  

    And of course it wouldn't be my Misha blog without the requisite Misha pic, so here's a hug

  19. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Long D*mn Day   
    It's gonna be a long d*mn day today.  Today is my late day, I won't get home until after 7pm. 
    I really need to remind myself I"m lucky.  I need to count my blessings; for me, it helps. 
    There is such a tendency to only see the negative, it's not deliberate, but it slips in
    when I'm not careful. 
    I feel like I'm teetering on an edge again; walking a tightrope no one else can see. 
    Last week was a little tough, but I"m lucky I was only subject to the by=blows
    of events, and not the actual focus of them.
    It makes me nervous, though; I wonder when it will be my turn to be the focus. 
    But I cannot think like that, I just can't.  I can't let that monster out of the bag.
    It serves no purpose except to trigger me; it doesn't help me prepare. 
    I know this is a little dark for my Cas & Misha blog, but I missed posting Misha yesterday.
    I have to say I love Jared Padelecki's Sam Winchester, but for different reasons. 
    Something about him reminds me of my son; sort of a gentle, quiet, intelligent, capable giant.

    Sometimes, I feel like this one below when stuff happens; I just sort of pray this to God sometimes, forgive me, LOL.
    I have to laugh at some point or I'll go nutter.  I really do wonder at God sometimes.  His def of good and mine
    seem to be slightly different. 

  20. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, I hate summer   
    Most people love summer. All of that wonderful outdoor recreation! And they look good doing it, too!
    Summer is nothing but misery for me. It means itching (from bug bites and foot fungus) and sweat. Constantly.
    I don't look good at all in summer attire either.
    I can't wait for all of this heat and humidity to blow out of here so I can finally get outside and do things (while listening to others gripe about how "cold" it is).
  21. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Good Days   
    I've had a relatively good past couple of days.  I've been lax in recording, though.  It's been a little up and down the last week or so, but things have really improved from a steep low over last weekend.  But I'm hangin' in there.  I'm using my obsession and my writing (they are combining quite nicely, thank you!) to keep my mind focused away from negative circular anxiety thoughts.  Not the best solution, but its working.
    So in honor of a good last couple of days - overall - here's a little Misha.  Hopefully it's not too naughty for anyone.
    I defy anyone to look at that and not go 'whoof'. 

    His eyes are almost as nice as my husbands. 
    Green, kind, intelligent, with a little gold in the middle that's just ornery enough.
    But I can't post pics of his eyes, so here are Misha's.

  22. Sad
    SpiralingMind reacted to TopekaK for a blog entry, Have to write it down   
    Turbulent times these days.  Flashbacks at any moment with only my own talk-down to come back to the present.  Pretend it's all OK.  Go to work and hope nothing surfaces. 
  23. Like
    SpiralingMind got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Yep.   
  24. Like
    SpiralingMind got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Lonliness vs. Solitude   
    “Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you. It is a condition of separateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union. Loneliness is small, solitude is large. Loneliness closes in around you; solitude expands toward the infinite. Loneliness has its roots in words, in an internal conversation that nobody answers; solitude has its roots in the great silence of eternity.”
    -- Kent Nerburn
  25. Like
    SpiralingMind reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Exercise   
    It's nasty hot and humid outside so I am going from one air conditioned place to another. I'd love to go to a pool but there's only one public pool in this entire city of 245,000. Of course, it's packed. I decided to walk around the inside of the mall earlier today and was able to go for a complete half hour without stopping. I kept up a steady 3 MPH pace so that means I made about 1.5 miles. A few years ago, walking 1.5 miles was merely getting warmed up. Now, it's a major accomplishment.
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