SoulSurvivor

we had a terrific thunder/lightening/ hail storm all last night through the morning... we hardly ever get that type of weather in this part of Oregon

a PBS Documentary (Ric Burns) about the Pilgrims...

There are days and days where I don't speak to anyone... I watch a lot of TV or look for books to read... I called a local crisis line the other night and that wasn't much help... I could hear her family in the background and it added to the loneliness. I am in my 60th decade and I look back and I can see the very bad decisions I made that landed me here. Being alone all the time also adds to the giant disconnect of not being able to talk to people correctly. I find myself saying incomplete sentences or weird things that just doesn't make sense to anyone else.

I feel doomed. I have to have surgery and I am so close to homelessness.. I have no savings, no friends or family who can take me in during this time.... of course my rent increased too...all my life's choices has led me to become a terrible burden and nothing more.... I am a cautionary tale😪

I wish we had Cardinals... The regulars in my yard are Steller's Jays, Scrub Jays, Junco's. Robins, lots of Black Crows and Mourning Doves......

I really need to rectify this one with myself... but the neighbors outside door light... it shines directly in the horrible 1970's yellow textured glass window that is by my front door. it shines really bright. Over the years I have asked them to please remember to turn it off, but they forget and they will leave it on all through the day and into the night. So I have to sneak out there at night and slightly unscrew the bulb. I have tried the black out film but since the window is textured, it doesn't stay up... and it difficult to put a black out curtain. because the window is so narrow..... anyway.... this bugs me... and it really shouldn't

What are the things that make you happy? 😊

Oh on the Live Bird Cam they are a bit fancier than what shows up in my backyard ... so far I have identified Northern Cardinals. the Nuthatch, Blue Jays and Black Capped Chickadees and Common Starlings... I must get more bird food today... and nuts for the Squirrels.... I ordered a outdoor patio umbrella from Walmart to keep the rain off them while they eat- or somewhat dry at least... 🐦🐦

The time change.... I get up early anyway.... but when I got up at 2:15am... it took me an hour to realize it was still 2:15am...💤

There's A Light....🕯️

Got up late...ran around the apartment at 3:30am looking for the new bootle of shampoo I just bought- and apparently forgot to put it in the bathroom.... 15 minutes later, I found it on the window sill in the living room- hidden behind the blinds.... good grief... did the work thing... then I just came home.... it's cold and foggy out - typical Autumn day🍂

I am watching a live Bird Cam on you tube.... this one is from Akron, Ohio ... I love to have different bird-cams on..... for background company... my cat does too. 🐦

I have called every single one that my insurance covers... and no one is taking new patients and their waiting lists are closed.... it's a big problem here- and I would imagine other places too

I am so numb and detached.... I'm not taking any anti depressants......... they didn't seem to help anyway.... I haven't had a Psychiatrist since June because he decided to close his practice and write a book... I can't find another one or even a counselor to talk with because of "COVID" - that is the 1st excuse everyone says... "well, because of Covid, we can't....." it's like the best excuse not to do anything or help anyone... I'm so sick of that.... because life still goes on... things need to be attended to....😢

No Help Anywhere