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Everything posted by DarkRain

  1. Thanks everyone. I'd love to move out but unfortunately at the moment I don't have enough money for an apartment by myself and don't know anyone to share with. I've known she's very racist my whole life and I suspect she learned it from her parents who were also very racist since I've heard some not-so-great things about my grandfather who I didn't know. I was set to go back to school this year and start on a two-year technical degree since my last school shut down leaving me without a degree, but because of covid-19 I'm not sure if I'm going to start school this year or not. Right now it seems unlikely, and unfortunately in this economy, no school equals no skills or degree, no job, no money, and no moving out.
  2. Today was really rough for me. My mom hasn't stopped making racist comments about the BLM movement and it's really been wearing me down. I just can't understand how she can be so callous and cruel to people who are hurting. Both her and my dad are like this and have the attitude of "life is tough stop complaining". They also don't believe the virus is really serious and ridicule people wearing masks or who are worried about getting sick calling them paranoid and saying it's all political propaganda. I don't know what to think about it. On the one hand I was given a mask when I went into the clinic for an appointment, but my parents are so adamant and determined citing one single medical article as their argument....I'm so tired of them. I don't know what to do or what to think and it's so hard to avoid them because there's no place to go with everything shut down. I'm so stressed from this my skin is breaking out, I'm having trouble concentrating on anything including video games and movies, I'm not cooking for myself anymore and relying on instant meals and snacks which isn't good for my health. I hope this all ends soon.
  3. I had been enjoying on going on walks in the park with my mom for a while because it helped with my anxiety but now she's taking them as an opportunity to talk about my dad and her problems, and basically make it into a family therapy session. And it completely defeats the point of going walking for me which was to destress and get away from stuff for a while, but instead she's bringing it along and shoving it on me. I told her off but I'm thinking of just calling the walking days off at this point. It's no longer enjoyable for me. I feel bad for her because it's obvious she's not happy being married to my dad, but I can't be her therapist and can't tell her what to do beyond 'get a divorce' since counseling hasn't worked.
  4. I'd like to transfer all of my emotional and physical pain onto the next idiot who tells me to smile.
  5. I'm so exhausted. From painful health problems half the year that had no answer, my cat, the love of my life since I was thirteen died. My school shut down. Can 2020 please be a kinder year?
  6. I don't have the best relationship with my parents but this morning completely shocked me and threw me off. My dad asked me what the pots and pans on the stove were and I said something like 'that's mom's stuff' probably a bit incoherently since I'd just gotten up and he suddenly got angry went off at me, said something like my body language was hostile, and that I was anti-social then turned around and stomped off to sit at the computer. He didn't explain any further and didn't wait for me to try to explain myself. I was too scared to try and clear it up. It shocked me so much because nothing like this has ever happened before. I honestly don't know what I said or did that came off as hostile. I didn't use any swear words, name calling, didn't say anything sarcastic like "well obviously". I don't know what kind of answer he was looking for. I don't understand if he was trying to start a conversation, trying to test me, I don't have any answers. It was pretty out of the ordinary and I don't know if there' something else going on with him that's making him lose his temper or if there really was something I did that came off as hostile. I ended up wasting most of my energy crying all day. I hated having to sit through dinner with him. I'm so exhausted. i could hear him talking to my mom about how I don't have any friends and am anti-social. I'm too scared to approach him about it and I don't know whether going through my mom about this is a good idea. I feel like I should say something to someone though because it honestly scared me. I'm not anti-social but it's difficult to hang onto friends when they people I knew at school live at least a hundred miles away. They didn't bother to keep up any kind of relationship with me despite my messages so what can I do?
  7. Frayed. Tired. Annoyed. If my mom asks me if I'm okay one more time I'm going to start hurling packs of crackers at her head!
  8. Anxious, frustrated, stuck. I've been having health problems for over a week on and off that required two ER visits because I had no idea what it was, just that the pain was unbearable. I think I'm still wiped out from all of this. I'm also badly depressed over that fact that at 28 I have no degree thanks to the school shutting down and I can't seem to motivate myself to self-teach the 3D modeling skills I need to get a job. I have no idea where to go from here, I've been trying to learn but it's taking all month and I've barely made any progress. I've learned more Japanese this past month than modeling and it's made me wonder what's wrong with me. I loved the idea of making video games and working with software but here I am five years later not knowing much more than I did then. Also I've been spending too much time on tumblr and the gross stuff on there is getting me down but I don't know where else to talk to people.
  9. I'm so frustrated with myself. No degree at 28 due to the school shut down and never had a job in my life! I've been trying to teach myself how to use Blender (free modeling software) and I don't understand why it's such a struggle for me to just sit and watch the video and take notes. It's not even that complicated it's just noting which buttons on the keyboard are which shortcuts. On top of all this is that the team I worked with at school is completely gone, no contact whatsoever. There's one person from the team I keep in contact with but it's been difficult to work with him. He's not nasty it's just the personality clash and some pretty insensitive things. I hate this awful situation. I know my skills aren't good enough to be work ready.
  10. had another run-in with mom today. I'm out of contacts and needed to order more so I asked my mom how to order them since she always does it for me. I asked her for the phone number for the place and she wouldn't answer me. Just went on about how I hadn't had an exam in two years (untrue I had one last year) and how I'd need to schedule an appointment and how we should drive over to the place to do it. I just wanted the phone number so I could call in the prescription. That's all. I gave up and googled the phone number and put it in my phone. I was going to call the place after grocery shopping since she wanted to do it in the morning, but just as we're ready to go she decides that she's going to call the place and make an appointment. So I have to sit down and wait and I don't dare argue because she's blown up at me before. She made the appointment for me and everything. I don't get the chance to do anything myself. I don't want to fight it because she's gone off at me before for trying to do things by myself. I just wanted the phone number. I stood there for a minute waiting for it and not getting it, I go onto google and get it within two seconds with no fuss.... don't do this to your kids. Please. Just let them do things and if they ask for help just nudge them in the right direction. Don't take the learning opportunity away, do it yourself, then hand it back to them. That doesn't accomplish anything. Part of being a parent is raising your kids to be self-sufficient. This is the opposite of parenting. I should have kept my mouth shut in the first place and asked google instead. Dad does the same thing with refusing to work out the steps on how to parallel park and instead just tells me to go watch a youtube video. Always with both of them it's all or nothing.
  11. My mood's been all over the place today. One minute I'll be thinking about horrible depressing things, the next I'll be fine, the next I'll be laughing about something, then I'll be back to thinking dark things....I think I should just go to bed.
  12. Thanks MarkintheDark. I don't know anyone. We have family friends but I'm not that close to them and they're more my parents friends. I have no other family where I live and no friends, so there really isn't anyone I can go to for help. I'm trying to finish school and hopefully get a job that'll get me enough money for at least an apartment. It seems like a long way off though and the job market isn't encouraging. I really wouldn't know where to look for help.
  13. I've been so numb and stressed out lately. One class I have has been stressing me out because I haven't been able to fully understand it, and it's one of those things where if you miss even one step the whole thing is off. I know I haven't been doing well and I know it's most likely that I'll fail the class and have to retake it, but I wanted to succeed at this class and I don't know what to do at this point. I've been having tension headaches almost daily this week. Also the fact that I really need to get a laptop for school because of the kind of work I do is really stressing me out. I kind of know what kind to get but they aren't cheap and I spent a lot of money back in June so I'm really reluctant to spend big again this year.
  14. I just need a place to vent. I don't get along with my parents but today has been unusually worse. My dad told me that I would have to leave my cat behind when I move out and "just get a new one" which upset me for the whole day. He knows I love my cat and he just treats her like something disposable. Oh it's just a pet, you can just get a new one and it's all the same. Then I found out that my mom tore out all my herbs in the garden without saying anything. I've been busy with school so I hadn't been out there since summer. I have no idea when she tore them out. She never said anything, never asked me if it was okay, never told me to cut them back. She just decided she didn't like it and ripped them all out without ever saying anything or caring about how I feel about it. I feel like grabbing some of her teacups and smashing them on the floor so she understands what it's like when someone takes something of yours without your permission and destroys it. And she's done this before. She's done this a lot throughout my life. Whether it's clothes, toys, or furniture, she'll take it, throw it in the trash, and never say anything. She doesn't care if it's someone else's stuff, she doesn't like it so it goes in the trash without a word. It makes it impossible for me to trust her with anything. She'll also parrot anything I say back to her friends regardless of what kind of information it is. Neither of them care about how the things they say or do affect other people. They're difficult people to live with.
  15. How to Fail at Making Friends:I was trying to be encouraging but came across as rude and selfish.
  16. Still p-----d off from today. i wanted to order a cake at the bakery and my mother decided to tag along and completely dominate the situation, talking to all the ladies/workers there and not even paying attention to me or allowing me to speak, ask questions, and place an order. I got so flippin' p---ed off that I just left. 27 year old adult and momma won't even let me order my own cake. It's like the reverse of clinging to mommy's apron strings. She made the excuse that 'well I was going to let you talk but then you walked off'....??? You were going to allow me? Like i didn't have permission to speak in the first place? What does that even mean? What were you even doing talking in the first place? This had nothing to do with you? What about this situation made you think you even had to say anything? Does she thing I'm actually that disabled or mentally ******** to the point where I can't ask a single question or perform basic communications? Even if I couldn't verbalize I could at least write them a clear note making my request. I'm sick of her. She just wants to dominate.
  17. Pre-birthday blues. The realization that I'm getting older and still have nothing to show for it. Fear of not being able to use my degree in animation and actually be a part of any kind of creative process. Fear of never getting a decent job and being unable to move out and my parents berating me over it. Fear of moving out because I've never lived anywhere else in my life and especially never alone, convinced by people that I'm unable to take care of myself. Beating myself up for the fact that I haven't been drawing because I have no motivation. I'm already over halfway done with my degree so there's no backing out, even so my drawing skills are still poor. I don't know how to do anything and I'll be 27 soon. I still don't have my license and I got yelled at today for not stopping soon enough to let a car go by. I break so easily.... I have so many things I want to do but either don't have the motivation, the resources, or the know-how to do them.
  18. Had a meltdown today. Went to buy a couple giftcards with the change I saved up, but the machine wouldn't read the change I put in and it came up five dollars short. Of course my mom was standing right by my elbow and had to call over one of the clerks who then called over another clerk and it ended up with her yapping a mile a minute with three people at my elbow all talking at once when I just want my giftcards and to get out of there. I can't stand having people that close to me. One is bad enough but three is a nightmare then they all start talking and I have a sensory overload and a meltdown. I hate her. She should know I can't handle stuff like this. She should know she's just making things worse. Every time I say something she just says 'don't get mad at me', 'don't be so nasty' She's so nosy and a control freak. I'm turning twenty-seven next month she needs to f-off and stop holding my hand like I'm a five year old baby who can't do anything.
  19. I'm so tired. Everything is so exhausting. Please leave me alone.
  20. Tired. Everyday problems are such a huge task for me to get through. They wear me out. When does it get better?
  21. People can be so nasty over petty things. Like...please go outside and pet a puppy, take a deep breath, and stop attacking people over things that don't matter in the end. These kind of people in fandoms make me go 'yikes'!
  22. Pretty good all things considered. I took an extra long shower to get the tangles out of my super long hair. I'd been putting it off for a while and finally decided to tackle it. Brushed all my hair out and everything, major accomplishment of the day.
  23. Furious. Parenting tip: If you can't let your 26 yo kid cook their own damn grilled cheese sandwich you have a problem. A very big problem. I do not need a helicopter parent standing at my elbow eating chips watching me like a hawk for the instant I make a mistake so they can swoop in and take my cooking away from me because apparently I'm making a mistake and burning the food (hint: I wasn't). This is why I don't cook despite loving to. I can't put up with a helicopter mom who is lying in wait every second, waiting for the instant she can pounce and shove me aside. You have to let people make mistakes. You have to. If you don't make mistakes you won't learn anything, in addition it takes away any sense of freedom, responsibility, and autonomy.
  24. There is nothing more irritating and stressful than vacuums and the fact that my mother does not seem to realize that it is extremely stressful for me and instead thinks my dislike of it is something funny or cute and tells me to use the vacuum myself for once. I can't even tolerate other people using it what makes you think I'm capable using it! And of course when I'm out of the house she can't bother to spare me the stress and vacuum while I'm away, of course you have to use it right there in the room right in front of my face and drive my stress levels through the roof and think it's a joke. Thanks mom. Isn't being autistic fun?
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