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20YearsandCounting

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  1. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from Bulgakov for a blog entry, Employment Upgrades and Missing DF   
    Hey, all...
    I doubt there is anyone to read this, but I'll write it anyway. It's always helped to have a place to express certain things around people who really 'get' the issues, instead of just 'mmm-hmm-ing' along.  I haven't been here since August 30 - I didn't intend it that way, of course.  But it's been good in a way, and painful, too in a way. 
    The good part is that I am now manager of where I am.  My previous boss retired, and I was given that spot in July.  I have had quite a lot to learn and catch up on. And Covid has just made it all more complicated.  I've really had my hands full dealing with that.  I haven't even turned on my personal computer at home until now. Of course, I've had time while home - I've just been doing other things to relax.  I have missed everyone here, though. 
    The bad part is that the last few months I have realized how 'toxic' I am in real life.  I am only now realizing how toxic I have been to those around me.  Both in being unable to manage my emotions, and in my inability to connect to my loved ones. These are both issues I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it all on certain people who are no longer part of my life, but the problems I am struggling with precede them. 
    There is so much more I could write, but it is all too 'detailed' for a public forum.  I will have to content myself with personal journals again, I guess.

  2. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Just A Thing or Two   
    A post around here mentioned cats, and my response mentioned the perks of being a cat slave.... So I thought I would re-introduce my master, Lily.  Actually, my youngest's master, I'm just the substitute-slave, LOL.  I generally refer to her as 'Princess FuzzyButt'.   The bookcase has since been moved, because cats.  Sometimes cats see a dog outside and freak the eff out and knock the bookcase over, and nearly kill one of my favorite plants. Because cats.  LOL.
     

     
    So this is how the window looks now....

     
    And yes, I realize that is a Gold Dust Dracaena, but she generally doesn't care about the plants.  The chair she is in is the 'Cat Chair'.  Or, the royal throne of Princess FuzzyButt.  
    LOL.  
     
     
     
     
  3. Thanks
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Just A Thing or Two   
    A post around here mentioned cats, and my response mentioned the perks of being a cat slave.... So I thought I would re-introduce my master, Lily.  Actually, my youngest's master, I'm just the substitute-slave, LOL.  I generally refer to her as 'Princess FuzzyButt'.   The bookcase has since been moved, because cats.  Sometimes cats see a dog outside and freak the eff out and knock the bookcase over, and nearly kill one of my favorite plants. Because cats.  LOL.
     

     
    So this is how the window looks now....

     
    And yes, I realize that is a Gold Dust Dracaena, but she generally doesn't care about the plants.  The chair she is in is the 'Cat Chair'.  Or, the royal throne of Princess FuzzyButt.  
    LOL.  
     
     
     
     
  4. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Employment Upgrades and Missing DF   
    Hey, all...
    I doubt there is anyone to read this, but I'll write it anyway. It's always helped to have a place to express certain things around people who really 'get' the issues, instead of just 'mmm-hmm-ing' along.  I haven't been here since August 30 - I didn't intend it that way, of course.  But it's been good in a way, and painful, too in a way. 
    The good part is that I am now manager of where I am.  My previous boss retired, and I was given that spot in July.  I have had quite a lot to learn and catch up on. And Covid has just made it all more complicated.  I've really had my hands full dealing with that.  I haven't even turned on my personal computer at home until now. Of course, I've had time while home - I've just been doing other things to relax.  I have missed everyone here, though. 
    The bad part is that the last few months I have realized how 'toxic' I am in real life.  I am only now realizing how toxic I have been to those around me.  Both in being unable to manage my emotions, and in my inability to connect to my loved ones. These are both issues I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it all on certain people who are no longer part of my life, but the problems I am struggling with precede them. 
    There is so much more I could write, but it is all too 'detailed' for a public forum.  I will have to content myself with personal journals again, I guess.

  5. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from Tymothi for a blog entry, Kinda My Mood   
    Kinda my mood so far...
     
  6. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Of Crap and Men   
    My blogs are crap.
    All I am doing is spewing out the malady, the emptiness and futility that are the basic elements of my very essence. Other than that there is nothing. 
    Moving on..
     
    I have no aspirations or dreams. I have no skill sets to put in to use. No interests to pursue. My attempts to study(they are legion and have amounted to absolutely nothing) have shown to me that I will never amount to much. I drift through life aimlessly.
    I have had anger issues most of my life, I have a negative outlook on life and I don't like myself. I probably have GAD (though I take all things DSM-5 or -x or whatever with a pinch of salt).
    I am over 50 and I see no change to any of this in the future. I have been called intelligent, but I beg to differ. I f I am, my "intelligence" has done sweet f uck all in improving myself or my life.
    Hope, you say? "you never know what tomorrow will bring".
    No I don't, but I can make an educated guess. More of the same or worse.. That is what life has taught me.
    Besides, I don't even know what to hope for. I am empty in this respect too. I don't know what hope feels like. I don't really know what happinesss feels like, at least the unreserved kind.
    Oh and I have been told I over-think everything. How does one "under-think"???? Or think "enough"? I could probably "under-think"  by drowning myself in alcohol, porn, social media or whatnot but that's unadvisable, isn't it? Anyhow I feel a crushing weight of guilt even on the best of days and if I do indulge, so to speak I feel like dying from remorse afterwards. Not because I feel "I have sinned", but because I was so effing WEAK to give in. More yetzer hara than Original Sin but I digress.
    I beat myself a lot, you know. In my view it's all justified.
    I could probably deal with all of this though, if I had a decent job (all my  jobs have been boring dead-end low-pay jobs), something that could pay my way AND be nice to do.
    Because lets face it, spending 8-10 hours five or six times a week on average of your life on something that doesn't satisfy you to the least and barely covers your costs, it will eat you from within. It has done that to me once and I am on route for a second major break down.
    I have all the symptoms of burnout and now with this virus bs, I feel more hopeless than ever. I thought that hopelssness was a fixed state.The absence of hope, pure and simple. I had no idea it could get even worse.
    The world Post-COVID-19 will be a world of more uncertainty, probable global economic depresson and more unrest, mass unemployment and countries will fold in onto themselves in fear of more outside threats...More nationalism and despotism...
    Rant.
    We all know the trope "money won't solve your problems", "or money won't make you happy". Of course money can't address the emptiness and meaninglessness of life but money can go a long way to make life easier so that you have the time and (lets face it folks, we need money for decent therapy) money to pay your bills without worrying about next month.
    .Not that money will make much difference if we fall into an economic depression like in the 1920'-30s...
    Sorry, ranting again.
    It all boils down to what one considers a life worth living.  I don't believe life has intrinsic value. That's our job to do, both on a personal or collective leve,l to give life meaning. I have failed at this too.
    My life is worth living if certain conditions are met. I must point out, I am speaking of myself, I am not entiltled to make these kinds of judgments about anyone else. No one is.
    But I can't understand how people survive stuff like holocausts, poverty, torture, wars, oppression. You see people, if that would happen to me, I would end my life immediately. Because life isn't worth living in conditions like that, imho.
    If there is sweet f.a you can do about it, "changing what you can" doesn't help one bit. Not from where I stand anyhow. COVID-19 might be turning point for me.
    Ok, this just me spewing crap, but this is how I have felt my entire life. Reading Viktor Frankl, for example(we are told to look into Frankl's "Man's search for meaning" if one is trying to figure out what the fff we are supposed to do on this sad planet) made no sense to me at all. In fact it just fortified my view I have had for a long time now.
    We are emphatically not the same, us humans. We think differently, we talk differently, we react differently. Our temperments also define in part as to how we react. People DID k ill themselves in death camps or Nazi Regime of WWII. Not everyone had hope to hang on.
    For some hope is an absolute not unlike the concept of god. For some, it is more of a question of critical mass. Give certain types of people enough hell in their lives, they will succumb to despair and lose the capability of hoping. 
    It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job.
    So yes, gratitude. I am grateful(at least I try to be) for what I have. But it doesn't change anything. I still hate my job, I am still wasting away, Becoming bitter and even more angry and hopeless about the future.
     
    I just think this party is over and I haven't really enjoyed it. And perhaps I can't stand parties at all and when they get crappy enough it's exit time.
     
     
     
     
     
     
  7. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from AloneGuy for a blog entry, Avatars   
    I'm thinking of changing my avatar.
    I know, I know... it doesn't sound as absolutely ground shaking as it feels.
    Strange, huh?  How an image can come to mean so much, have so much history imbued in it.
    My current avatar is a fanart depiction of the character Mink from the anime version of the game Dramatical Murder.
    I'm thinking of changing my avatar to a partial pic of my ugly mug.
    I don't know which is more nerve wracking....
    putting part of my ugly mug out there, or getting rid of an image that has so much meaning and history, for me at least.
    Maybe I should wait until I get to a sort of crossroads in my life.... or maybe I'm there now, and wanting to change my avatar is sort of a sign of that...
    Something to think about.
     
     

     

  8. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from AloneGuy for a blog entry, Instrumentals.....   
    Let's start off.... without words.  (too late, lol)
    Some of your favorite instrumentals?  Songs or albums welcome....
    Angel Vivaldi, 'Away With Words'
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPICv1O9T9w&list=PLAEM7RlMNgjBcj6MEA-ZMu1AH6limNKeD
     
     
     
    @adamrparr
  9. Sad
    20YearsandCounting reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, The Man who Sucks Infinitely   
    Last night, I got into this endless loop of a thought process where I was forced to relive exactly how I lost my beloved (and now former) girlfriend. It all became crystal clear to me. My mind pinpointed the exact actions that led to her leaving me. Once these incidents were made painfully obvious in my mind, I relived them over and over and over again in agonizing detail. All night long.  I couldn't shut it off. 
    I feel like the lowest piece of sh*t that has ever existed. So I'm "happy" that I got dragged back and forth through the cesspool of my mind because yes, I suck that badly.
    After reliving my hellish idiocy for hours on end, I wanted nothing more than to snuff myself. I still want to. Right now.
    She is the last person in this world who needed any more pain in her life yet through my arrogance and obliviousness, my actions caused her even more anguish. 
    She desperately need a "rock" and all I offered her was a slimy piece of algae. 
    You see, she was perfect in my eyes. Yet I took her for granted and hurt her. I loved her more than the universe itself yet I drove her away.
    This is how my life goes. I screw up everything good and am left living in the scum at the bottom of the dumpster. I don't feel sorry for myself. No, I LOATHE myself. I deserve all of the suffering I am subjected to. Every last bit of it.
  10. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Boxhead   
    Out of nowhere I found myself thinking about events that occurred in my life nearly 40 years ago. 
    It happens time to time. Sometimes I dream of being in the classroom, wondering why am I still here??
    I hated my teens. I hated the awkwardness, the acne, the inner turmoil - the bullying. 

    As if the 80’s wasn’t bad enough. It was music that ultimately kept me alive, if one could call this living.. 
    One could argue that without the angst of Thatcherism and Reaganism and old Brezhnev on the other side of the Iron Curtain, all the Cold War politics and fear of nuclear annhilation,  mainstream fashion  and the sheer complacency of the status quo of western society of the late 70’s and early 80’s, there wouldn’t have been the cartharsis we know as punk, or later on the likes of PIL, Joy Division,, Bauhaus, Virgin Prunes.. but god I hated the 80’s regardless. 
    So don’t get me wrong. I was miserable and insecure before I was bullied. I couldn’t find a place to be me. Hell, I didn’t know who I was (not that I know now).  Funny really, as most of my peers seemed to love being themselves. I realize everyone had/has their respective issues, but for me it was more than that. The seed that is this current messspewing out this crassness on df was born then, I guess. I felt out of place where ever I was. I felt a fake even then. My reluctance to actually be part of any group and the insecurity I felt.  It was probably all this the bullies saw in me, making me an easy target.
    The fear, the uncertainty as to who I was. 
    I wasn’t even good at anything. Mediocre grades. I sucked at team sports, wasn’t good at athletics either. I had no interests. I wasn’t clever in any way. Though I am not “socially challenged” neither was I good at interacting withpeople, let alone the opposite sex. I also froze in the face of any kind of altercation. I just didn’t know what to do. I still don’t and I feel most people are a conundrum and in many cases just not worth the bother. So that would make me a snob too I guess. Haha.  But I digress.
    So being bullied hit me hard. It changed my paradigm completely. I saw the world as it really was. I realized that ultimately we are all alone. And I felt justified in thinking I was, in fact, second rate. 
    Sure, I could have told my parents, teachers, whatever. But the SHAME. It had happened, the damaged was done. Nothing would have taken the stigma away. The dirt, the leprosy I had contracted the moment I froze in fear and panic that first time. 
    So I just weathered the storm. My grades went down, I “was away sick” more often. I began planning my daily routes and indeed my life according to an “architecture of fear”, minimizing the risk of meeting my tormentors. 
    But I was also devious and cunning. I didn’t let ANYONE know. My grades went down, yes. But not enough for anyone to get worried. I was often sick, but as a kid I had been sick often enough-for real. I had an explanation  for everything.  On the outside I acted as if it was nothing, to anyone who witnessed my humiliation and depravity.  I still do that, as I have found that speaking out, telling people how fu cked up you feel..no one really gets it. It just isn’t worth the effort at the end of the day.
     I would have had to admit to the world I was defenseless against a few brain dead cu nts. Yes, even then I realized they had issues too and were damaged goods. But that didn’t let them off the hook, of course. I was ashamed of MY impotence. I was ashamed of the impact all that crap had on me. I was ashamed I didn’t make a stand and bashed their heads in, or something to the extent.
    Inside I felt myself dying, rotting, little by little. 
    I hated them. Despised them. Harbored (impotent) malice towards them. And you know what? I still do. Not  necessarily whoever they are now. No, the 16-17 year old little sh its of the 80’s. And I AM INCAPABLE OF FORGIVING OR LETTING GO.
    I don’t even know what forgiving or letting go means. 
    I didn’t really have a very high opinion of myself to start with.  But after the fact my self esteem went to depths I didn’t even know existed. 
    I am still there. Back in the fu kcing 80’s. I see my life as a failure. I am not where I should be in life. Hell, this life feels alien to me. And I still haven’t a clue where or who I should be. 
    It would be so easy to blame the bullying, my tormentors. But I don’t  believe I stood a chance from the start. Some of us will never learn to be street wise enough to live in this world. Some of us just don’t have the clout to make a life for themselves.
    I have posted these lyrics before on df, but they pretty much sum up how I feel.
     
    I can't wash this blood off my hands
    I can’t get the scum outta my soul
    I can't scrape this stain off my brain
    And I can't get this box off my head
     
    Foetus - Boxhead
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  11. Sad
    20YearsandCounting reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, H. C. Andersen   
    I am a fake. Not real. What people see isn't me. There isn't a "me". 
    I don't deserve any thanks or gratification. None of my so called achievements(that have lead me absolutely nowhere with little if any sense of accomplishment) have any meaning or value. 
    I am always dissatisfied and empty. Nothing feels authentic. Only the anger I harbour is real. The hatred and frustration I feel. The hopelessness. That is authentic.
    Everything else is just a fairy tale.
     
  12. Sad
    20YearsandCounting reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Zeit   
    Life..is meaningless. I am pointless.
    2020. Nothing has changed.
    I want to be
     
     
    Dead
     
     
  13. Haha
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, My Mental Attitude..   
    My mental attitude at the moment can be aptly described thusly:

    (appropriate nods and obsequious noises here for Berkeley Breathed, noted Genius of the Pen)
  14. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from Natasha1 for a blog entry, My Mental Attitude..   
    My mental attitude at the moment can be aptly described thusly:

    (appropriate nods and obsequious noises here for Berkeley Breathed, noted Genius of the Pen)
  15. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Who Am I?   
    I was thinking this morning about recognizing myself - or not.  I hate getting ready in the morning, because when I look in the mirror, I feel like I"m putting makeup on a stranger.  I feel no attachment to who I see there. I know from experience that what I see is 'me', but it means absolutely nothing. 
    So I got to thinking, what does represent me?  What image, avatar, etc do I recognize as 'me' when I look at it? 
    I thought about my avatar here -
    Nope.  Not me. 
    I thought of pictures from my childhood. 
    Nope - I can recognize myself but it is purely through experience. I feel no connection to it. 
    Sometimes I can remember bits of the events during which the picture was taken, and I can recognize my family. Even recognizing my family feels odd - almost like they are the family of that girl in the picture who happens to be me. 
    Anyway, it occurred to me - I started with picturing a blank white image - what can I put here that feels like me? 
    And I realized that the blank white image felt like me. 
    I recognized it on a basic, emotional level as 'that is me'. Like most people do when they see a pic of themselves. Maybe they cringe and think 'Oh, why did I do my hair that way?', but they still know on a fundamental level that is them. 
    I think it startled me just as much to feel that sense of recognition as it did to realize I was looking at... nothing.
    What does that mean? 

     
     
  16. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to nojoy for a blog entry, 0 - 10 depression/anxiety scale   
    0 - no depression/anxiety..
    10 - the worse than worse level
    Me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed.  Me...… I'm 'meh'.
    Where does 'meh' fit on the above scale?
    I guess 'meh' is better than I have been in a while. Last time I saw the therapist, she said that when I am feeling 'meh', it usually means that I'm starting to feel good about myself.  Guess that is a positive thing.
  17. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to nojoy for a blog entry, Life seems to be getting better and other thoughts   
    Life seems to be getting better for me. An increase in Prozac to 60 mg has helped stabilize the depression. I listen to several of Michael Sealey's guided meditations at night. I have started going to a chair yoga class. I have noticed that I don't get quite as frustrated  or overwhelmed as before. 
    I am successfully working on clearing out the small bedroom which had become a storage unit. I have 10 bags of clothes and linens and just as many boxes to be picked up by the DAV thrift shop. As soon as I get this stuff out of the living room and bedrooms, I will start again on getting rid of more stuff.  And then I can bring it the bookcase and other stuff in the shed. And possibly get rid of stuff in the big shed and move the medical equipment from the small shed to the shelving in the big shed.
    I have tried to do some of the sorting and getting rid of stuff after work but I always end up eating a late lunch and watching tv or playing a game on the computer.  I can usually get a couple of hours of  work done on Sundays after laundry. I start out listening to a couple of Kid Rock songs, then Carrie Underwood, some Reba  and finish with some 70s disco music. 
    I still have ups and downs, not the deep dark downs of the severe depression like before. My mind still tries to change past events and the future, but I have learned to acknowledge those thoughts and let them pass. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
    Neither of the daughters are talking to me. There is a new granddaughter that I have not seen and probably will never see, as well as the other grandchildren. One day when they are of age, they will contact me and we can rebuild the relationship.  I have realized that the older daughter and I never talked unless she needed money or a babysitter. She would always tell the younger daughter to tell me stuff. 
     
  18. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to nojoy for a blog entry, silence   
    Hello darkness my old friend
    I've come to talk to you again
    The Sound of Silence
    silence the world I live in. the only thing I have in life. an old friend I should be familiar with. an old friend I hate. the only friend I have in life. oh how I hate this friend. I wish I could eliminate this friend. I know what happened the last time I talked about the deafening silence and I won't go the way again. how long can I last with only silence in my life.
  19. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from SpiralingMind for a blog entry, Week of Wed, October 9th   
    I have been unbelievably exhausted in the morning, especially considering that I am generally getting to bed at the unholy early hour of roughly 930pm.  I think my body is finally tired of the spring time change - my natural circadian rhythm seems to match the fall time change best. I wind up spending most of the year feeling like I'm not quite getting enough sleep. 
    Wed, Oct 9th storms threatening this morning - will have to try later; - too hot after work, didn't make it
    Thu, Oct 10th too exhausted this morning after my shower, didn't sleep well;
    Fri, Oct 11th     Missed
    Sat, Oct 12th  missed
    Sun, Oct 13th   missed
    Mon, Oct 14th   missed
    Tue, Oct 15th 
     
    exhaustion has been a real problem for me lately. partly hormonal, partly emotional - in large part, I am tired of being here.  I'm working on a blog post.  for now, it's dinner with one of my kids tonight.  the small things keep me going.
     
     
  20. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from SpiralingMind for a blog entry, Inspiration   
    Inspiration is wherever you find it.  In a way, I think it is really within all of us, and all it takes is just that one little spark of whatever it is to find it.  Like looking for something you lost - you know it's around there somewhere, you just can't remember where you left it.  And then you see that little something, or that someone, or hear that snatch of song, and you get your 'second wind', you feel like maybe you can move forward again, or do whatever it is you've been struggling with. 
    So, inspiration is wherever you find it, because it's really inside you, and you just need something to remind you of that sometimes.  The things that inspire us are as varied as we are - often it is not even the same thing that inspires us every time.  And inspiration is not always a profound, 'aha' moment.  Sometimes it is just a quiet recognition, a small echo in your heart when you see something that strikes a chord. 
    With that in mind, I was going to leave a few images, but I cannot pick just one.  So here is a link to my Pinterest page, I hope you can view it.   
    https://www.pinterest.com/OkieCavies/
  21. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from Bulgakov for a blog entry, Inspiration   
    Inspiration is wherever you find it.  In a way, I think it is really within all of us, and all it takes is just that one little spark of whatever it is to find it.  Like looking for something you lost - you know it's around there somewhere, you just can't remember where you left it.  And then you see that little something, or that someone, or hear that snatch of song, and you get your 'second wind', you feel like maybe you can move forward again, or do whatever it is you've been struggling with. 
    So, inspiration is wherever you find it, because it's really inside you, and you just need something to remind you of that sometimes.  The things that inspire us are as varied as we are - often it is not even the same thing that inspires us every time.  And inspiration is not always a profound, 'aha' moment.  Sometimes it is just a quiet recognition, a small echo in your heart when you see something that strikes a chord. 
    With that in mind, I was going to leave a few images, but I cannot pick just one.  So here is a link to my Pinterest page, I hope you can view it.   
    https://www.pinterest.com/OkieCavies/
  22. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, How many false starts?   
    I have made so many false starts towards getting myself back into shape. To think, I was in such great condition only five years ago. Now I'm a sugar-addicted blob that sits in a recliner most of its "free time." At work, the same blob sits at a desk all day.
    Somewhere along the line, I developed an aversion to sweating. Part of that is from not wanting to stink at work. Part of it is that even walking a short distance has me huffing and puffing like a worn out steam locomotive. I'm also self-conscious about walking around outside where other people can see me because I sweat so much. It's embarrassing.
    Enough excuses. It's time to get moving again. I just returned from walking around the outside of the building where I work. Not quite long enough of a distance to work up a sweat. I plan on going for a mile walk after I'm done at work today.
  23. Like
    20YearsandCounting reacted to JD4010 for a blog entry, Last night was a bust   
    I've been so weary as of late. I got home from work last night with every intention to go for a walk. Sat down in my recliner "for a minute" and Ziva the cat jumped into my lap. I woke with a start 90 minutes later and it was dark outside. No walk.
    Today I walked 4 blocks to a mailbox and back to send a letter to a friend in prison. I skipped work this afternoon and napped for an hour, again with Ziva. After that I was able to shove my carcass out the door and go for about a 1/2 mile walk. I guess that counts as a victory.
  24. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, Week of Wed, September 4th   
    Sorry for dropping the ball with this walking thing - I've been struggling quite a lot internally lately. 
    Wed Sept 4th  @700am - .54miles/10 minutes - nice and cool, about 68F, hr 136
    Thu Sept 5th  @700am - .26 miles/5 minutes - 69F, hr 148
    Fri Sept 6th  @710am - .54 miles/9 minutes - 68F, hr 160
    Sat Sept 7th  @710am - .54 miles/9 minutes- 69F, hr 144
    Sun Sept 8th missed  😕
    Mon Sept 9th  missed 😕
    Tue Sept 10th  @640am - .54 miles/10 minutes - 79F, hr 156
  25. Like
    20YearsandCounting got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, Dilemmas   
    Slowly starting to get back to things.  I'm really struggling right now with some issues, and trying to work up the courage to schedule myself for a new psychologist and psychiatrist.  It just never seem to happen. And I am realizing certain things/issues are/have been a hindrance in my life.  I am/have been approaching a choice/change, and I need to decide what I want to do.  That is difficult when I struggle with what I am struggling with. 
    I have had two choices (work related) before me for some time now, but it has taken me this long to realize it. 
    One choice, I can stay where I am and advance - I might have to fight for it, I don't know. It might not even be an option for me to advance. I have no idea. Where I am right now is toxic for me, though. It has taken me years - and having a fairly 'normal' coworker to observe the last few years - to realize how toxic my situation has been, the toxins I have been stewing in for nearly a decade and a half. A small part of me would like to advance, but most of me is too shriveled and poisoned by the years of toxicity to believe I am capable of it. 
    The other choice is to change my environment - find another job.  This is not as easy as it sounds, though.  I have no real skills, and jobs that pay over minimum wage are hard to find.  And I am the only one paying the bills right now.  And there is no telling how that change would affect our medical coverage. Mine is through work, and hubby's is through something else, but it is still affected by my income.  If we were to lose medical coverage on top of losing income, it would be literally lethal for him. 
    It would take nearly as much courage to step away from my job as it would to step forward and advance - hence my dilemma.

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