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Everything posted by 20YearsandCounting

  1. I read so many stories and struggles about those who become hyper-aware when they have anxiety or panic attacks. I have historically had the opposite problem. 'Tuning in' to what is around me, being aware of myself and my surroundings, is like pulling teeth for me. It is horribly difficult. Most of the time I feel disconnected from myself, just as a natural state of being. Felt this way most of my life. Anxiety and panic make it nearly impossible for me to tune in to what is around me. It's like anxiety and panic make me tune out what's around me even more..... makes no sense. Anyone else have this problem? What do you do to cope, or to bring yourself back to your environment?
  2. I'm thinking of changing my avatar. I know, I know... it doesn't sound as absolutely ground shaking as it feels. Strange, huh? How an image can come to mean so much, have so much history imbued in it. My current avatar is a fanart depiction of the character Mink from the anime version of the game Dramatical Murder. I'm thinking of changing my avatar to a partial pic of my ugly mug. I don't know which is more nerve wracking.... putting part of my ugly mug out there, or getting rid of an image that has so much meaning and history, for me at least. Maybe I should wait until I get to a sort of crossroads in my life.... or maybe I'm there now, and wanting to change my avatar is sort of a sign of that... Something to think about.
  3. I am officially intrigued....... I feel a fanfiction coming on....


  4. I've been wondering lately if it's possible to 'run out' of discipline in the course of a day, or week, or month, or whatever period of time you care to consider. I also wonder if I am mistaking the 'shoulds' for discipline... are they not the same thing, though? Isn't discipline doing what you should even when - especially when - you don't want to? Is discipline a resource that never gets exhausted, or does a person reach a point where they feel like their entire life is filled with 'should' instead of 'want'. Though I cannot say my entire life is completely filled with 'should'. Waking up, getting ready, going to work, being at work... these are all 'shoulds', and make up about 3/4 of my day. But once I get home, I feel 'done'. I play games on my phone or mess around instead of doing dishes or dusting or any of the myriad things that could be done around the house. I feel like I spent most of my day doing what I 'should', now it is time to do what I want. I think maybe some of this is complicated by the fact that I wind up feeling like I am forced to 'lean in' to my phobias and struggles to a great degree. I am afraid of relating to people - I do not even go to the grocery store or socialize outside of work because of it. I barely see my grandkids because of it. I have to spend at least 8 hours a day, 5 days a week relating to people even though I find it difficult and a tad traumatizing at best. When there is a blow up at work, or someone is 'on the rampage', it veers into definitely traumatizing territory. So basically, not only do I spend 3/4 of my time 'shoulding', but I also spend that 3/4 of my time 'leaning in' to my phobia. And let me tell you, it has not helped one bit. I've heard that 'leaning in' is good therapy for overcoming your phobias and weaknesses. But I think it has a limit that I have passed somewhere, or maybe 'leaning in' does not fit all phobias... or maybe choosing to voluntarily 'lean in' is far different and more therapeutic that feeling forced to. I would definitely advocate for the latter, as evidenced by the lack of progress in my life towards welcoming the chance to relate to others - in fact, I seem to gradually regress. My current theory would be that feeling forced to 'lean in' is not as therapeutic as voluntarily doing so.
  5. It can be difficult not to see other people's unbalanced/unhealthy actions or reactions to us as punishment.... I constantly have to remind myself 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. Just because someone has an unhealthy reaction to me doesn't mean I did anything 'wrong'.
  6. @AloneGuy, sorry it took so long to get that comment up... anything with a link or image or file in it has to be approved manually, and I just haven't been here as often as I should... Hope things are going well for you, and thanks for sharing! Love it!
  7. TBH, it was my first thought too.....


    I love you, dear Australians.... 😉

  8. Believe it or not, a great many of our members are 50 or older! I am 49 myself... Welcome to DF, BTW...
  9. Atra is right.... I'm not here as often as I'd like, either, honey. We all support each other when and as we can. We appreciate your presence here, whenever you can be here!
  10. What song, if any, would you dedicate to your fellow DFers.... keep it PG, please 😉 We miss you, Chester, wherever you are.....
  11. For those of us who may be single for love day, or in an unhealthy/unbalanced relationship that does not meet our needs in one way or another... How does it make you feel when Valentine's Day rolls around, and how do you cope with it? What do you struggle with, and how do you deal?
  12. For those of us who may be single for love day, or in an unhealthy/unbalanced relationship that does not meet our needs in one way or another... How does it make you feel when Valentine's Day rolls around, and how do you cope with it? What do you struggle with, and how do you deal?
  13. Sorry for my late reply, snow47. You deserve to be accepted for who you are. It sounds like she expected you to entertain her or amuse her or put her wants/needs first.... It's great to think about others, but a relationship is a two way street. Did she actively give to you what she expected from you? If not, you may be better off, even though it doesn't seem like it now.
  14. I don't know how I feel. If I think too long about how I feel, my hands start typing all on their own, and I just wind up watching them type the words that pop up on the screen. If I think too long about how I feel when I brush my teeth, I watch the person in the mirror brush their teeth and hope she remembers to brush her tongue, too. If I think too long about how I feel when I'm trying to think of the next thing to say, I wonder what the hands on the keyboard will type next. Notice that none of these are emotions. I don't remember how to figure out how this body feels. I don't think I've ever figured it out. I say to myself, 'I have to remember to brush my teeth,' but that's not really what I mean. It's shorthand, with dual purpose. Purpose one: blend in by not having bad breath Purpose two: blend in by remembering to refer to this body as 'me' or 'I' I can't really explain what I mean - words don't seem to fit very well. Maybe one day I'll be able to find the right turn of phrase. When I use the term 'I' or 'me', what I'm really thinking about is the being trapped inside the shell. The being trapped inside the shell is different than the shell itself. For some reason, there has always been a very distinct disconnect between the two for me.
  15. Great instrumentals by the dearly departed.... only two requirements: must be instrumental, must be a deceased artist.... RIP Neal Peart..... https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/blogs/submit/?id=2155
  16. Feel like this should be an Oklahoma official song....
  17. Very saucy on that last one, LOL. Since we're going fairly classic here..... My fave Rush song - well, that's slightly a lie, since there are no bad Rush songs.... RIP Neal Peart..... 😭 😭 💔
  18. Let's start off.... without words. (too late, lol) Some of your favorite instrumentals? Songs or albums welcome.... Angel Vivaldi, 'Away With Words' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPICv1O9T9w&list=PLAEM7RlMNgjBcj6MEA-ZMu1AH6limNKeD @adamrparr
  19. Siblings explained...


  20. Good to know....


  21. Exactly - BTN is especially good (tho more difficult) if you are a perpetual overachiever who has difficulty acknowledging your achievements as what they are. It is also good for those times when just getting out of bed is a monumental task.... In those cases, I have to be careful not to let that negative self talk slip in and tell me what a loser I am. I have to remind myself I am fighting a battle - against depression. Every. Victory. Counts. Don't let yourself be negative about those achievements, whatever they are. Persist.
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