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Everything posted by 20YearsandCounting

  1. Yeah, it's been quite a while.  Being a library director has been keeping me pretty busy.  I hope I can spend some more time here every now and again. I've really missed you guys!  

    1. AloneGuy


      I'm so happy to see you here again!  I came back a few weeks ago after about a year and a half away and I really missed DF.  When I came back I noticed you'd been gone for a while and I was wondering how you were doing.  Gosh you were like one of the first friends I made here 8 or 9 years ago and you were a comforting presence on DF throughout the years as I'd come and go.  Anyway, welcome back!  🙂

  2. Belated welcome to Df, Mickey94. Coming off meds can affect people differently, for sure. Especially this time of year, with holiday stress added in. You might think about talking to a counselor to help you sort through some of this, and help you recognize what is 'healthy' for you. It's not as easy as it sounds, sometimes, to recognize healthy patterns. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
  3. Belated welcome to Df, Canerican. I have taken Wellbutrin, too. I had to stop it because I finally realized it was making my anxiety worse. At the time, I was on Wellbutrin, Trazadone, and Benadryl (to help me sleep). It took me way too long to realize that combo wasn't working for me. Now I'm on Hydroxyzine (Atarax) for anxiety, and taking Effexor for depression. The Effexor probs needs to be upped, because it hasn't helped my depression much. But at least it doesn't make my anxiety worse. The Atarax has been wonderful. It works a lot like Benadryl, but it seems to work better with my brain/body chemistry. I went through probs 3 antidepressants before finding something that didn't increase my anxiety. Keep monitoring how you feel, and what is happening in your life. Have faith in your own view of what is and is not working for you. I hope you are able to find something soon.
  4. Welcome to DF, Wiswash! And Kudos for sobriety! WooHoo! We look forward to seeing you around!
  5. My seasonal holiday blahs were a little late this year. I was - almost - excited about Christmas. For a while. Now it's back to my usual 'woops, where the hell did that fuckin' pothole to hell come from?!'. All I can seem to think about is how I have failed my kids. And how I have basically wasted four lives - theirs and mine. I find myself wondering what I did to deserve being put here on this earth? And yes, that is meant to sound like a punishment - because that's how it's felt for most of my life. Trapped in this... I don't know what. Trapped in this life I've always felt out of touch with. Trapped in this body I've always had a hard time thinking of as 'mine'. And the people I love are trapped with me. I almost said 'trapped with the people I love', but that makes it sound like they are the source of the pain, and that's not accurate. I am the source of the pain. Hence, they are trapped with me. Stuck with me. I cannot help the thought that maybe they would have been better off if.... But I should not finish that thought. I don't need to, really, because you all know where that thought goes. Repeat after me, and maybe after a while, we will believe it: 'My life is worthwhile. I am worthwhile.' Remember, I am not necessarily reminding you of what I think you should do.... I am reminding myself of what the truth really is. Because Depression twists everything, taking away the taste and making everything blackness. Depression is the Lie, not the Hope. But Hope is painful. They don't really tell you that when they're reaching out to help you, mostly because they don't know. Hope Hurts. Hope f*ck*ng Hurts. Hope gets you far enough up the wall of your own internal Hell to look down at the sharp rocks and give you just enough Vertigo that you're not sure if you can actually hold on. But you can. Hold On. I'll hold on with you. Whoever you are. I don't need to know your name, because I already know part of your fight. We're Battle Buddies. So right now, I'm sitting in this trench, and the bottom of it is spiky and full of the broken shards of dreams and busted bits of my identity. You know the trench. You wind up there, too. I'm going to remind myself that it's not my fault I'm here. That's right - you heard me. I didn't ask to be here. I didn't seek this horrible trench out. I was walking point, and lost myself for a minute, lost my focus, and Bam! here I am. That's how it happens sometimes. Walking point means that I was out of the trench and Making My Way Forward in Life, dodging the Slings and Arrows That Innocently Sally Forth, and slogging through all the Tough Shit That Haunts Me. That's the hazard of walking point. Sometimes, despite your Best Efforts, You Step in Shit - Tough Shit That Haunts You. Maybe you don't mean to step on it. Maybe you actually saw it, and made a mental note to avoid it, but then someone jostles you - all innocent like and unrealizing - and Bam! There it explodes under you, and down you go, into the trench. Not your fault. You were doing the work - the hard work, mind you, - that most people don't have to do. Most people don't have to move boulders just to walk through life. Most people don't have to wade through energy-sucking quicksand to get dressed. Most people don't live in a world that tastes and looks like all mashed potatoes. That's why it's not your fault. You didn't ask for this. No matter what they try to tell you with their ignorant selves, repeat after me: I didn't ask for this. Makes you angry, a bit, does it? No.... Don't toss it away like trash - that's your lifeline slapping you in the face. Let anger get you out of the trench and far enough away that you can work on forgiveness - forgiving the World In General for handing you such a crap portion. Because forgiving isn't about excusing anything - forgiving is when you tell yourself that you deserve to heal and move on. Most of all, forgive yourself. I'm still trying that one.
  6. Welcome to DF, ruis! The holidays can definitely be the least joyous time of year for a lot of people - you are not alone! Hope you will find the support and encouragement you need and deserve here.
  7. A very belated welcome to DF, WillaX! We are glad you are here! Hope to see you around!
  8. Problem solved.  You're welcome.  😉🤣


  9. I found this gem at work while trying out Spotify... 😉 Hope it makes you smile... https://youtu.be/dzy3f6hkjuo 'We Got Nowt Else' - Sting, Collin Kelly, Jimmy Nail, Matthew Stocke, Timothy Gulan - et al [ IE, 'The Last Ship Company']
  10. A post around here mentioned cats, and my response mentioned the perks of being a cat slave.... So I thought I would re-introduce my master, Lily. Actually, my youngest's master, I'm just the substitute-slave, LOL. I generally refer to her as 'Princess FuzzyButt'. The bookcase has since been moved, because cats. Sometimes cats see a dog outside and freak the eff out and knock the bookcase over, and nearly kill one of my favorite plants. Because cats. LOL. So this is how the window looks now.... And yes, I realize that is a Gold Dust Dracaena, but she generally doesn't care about the plants. The chair she is in is the 'Cat Chair'. Or, the royal throne of Princess FuzzyButt. LOL.
  11. @Devlinkyla @duck thanks, missed you guys too. @Nightjar aaahh, the perks of being a cat slave. 😸🐈 Mine only talks to me when she's telling me to do something. She talks to hubby all day long, and for apparently no reason. But me? No, it's just 'do this, do that'.... LOL. Though I have to admit that cats are not nearly as bossy as Guinea Pigs....
  12. @Floor2017 @sober4life Funny you should talk about plants.... One of the ways my kids know I'm doing better is by how green the living room is. The better I'm doing, the more plants I have, inside and outside. Of course, when it comes to outside plants, I still have to have the 'can't kill it if you tried' versions. If it survives my yard, it's pretty hardy, LOL. BTW, I learned a tidbit this week.... Did you know that setting a plant near a computer monitor or computer tower can make it sick? I brought one home from the office that was sick - I have two identical ones, and the other one was fine. But the sick one was right behind my double monitor setup. 'The More You Know....'
  13. I understand... It's healthy that you have made peace with things you cannot change. We cannot control others, only how we act towards them. It's not always worth it to sacrifice who you are for the sake of having a warm body there. You deserve someone who can accept you completely as you are.
  14. Michael1985, How have you been doing dealing with this? I've experienced the same thing over my life. Things I regret, or times I felt stupid - nothing illegal, or even anything that anyone else might perceive as embarrassing. My solution has been a little.... unusual. I started by interrupting the thought/flashback. It takes persistence - and unbelievable amount of persistence - and something emotional. For me, this is mentally shouting some of my favorite 'scream tracks' from Linkin Park songs. There is a song with the line 'Shut up when I'm talkin' to you... shut up.... shut up...' I repeat that thought each and every time the intrusive thought or flashback happens. I add to that a substitute thought - something forgiving, encouraging, at least to me. For me, Dust in the wind' by Kansas has been therapeutic. Let us know how you are getting along. Holidays can be pretty bad for some of us.
  15. Welcome to DF, Wolven.... I can identify with 'anthropophobia'. It's not crowds I fear, it's the actual interaction with people - the actual talking to them part. TBH, I have never Video Skyped, FB Videoed, or done any other type of video interaction - phones are really hard, too. Because all the emphasis is on the interaction, with the added 'bonus' (read: not fun) of seeing myself on video. I am proud of you for taking this step. Be gentle with yourself, just as you would with someone else. Sometimes it is hardest for us to be gentle with ourselves.
  16. Sorry for the delayed response, aged1000. Welcome to DF, and we are looking forward to hearing from you!
  17. Sorry for the late greeting, vidabella24. Welcome to DF. We look forward to hearing from you!
  18. This is the first holiday season in a veeeeeerrrrryyy looooong time that I have - gasp - almost (I said almost) looked forward to Christmas. I guess Covid has given me a 'legit' reason to openly be a coward about get togethers. 'Cause Covid' - there, I can isolate (apparently my lifestyle is referred to as 'isolation') and not feel guilty - or, more importantly, guilted. BTW, I've really missed you guys.
  19. Welcome to DF, baruah! You might try another post in the New Members forum, more people might see it there. It sounds like you are in a pretty rough and painful spot. You've been taken advantage of, it sounds like. Whether they meant to or not, I couldn't say. Covid certainly complicates things. Don't give up on trying to communicate with them, if only for your granddaughter's sake.
  20. Was: Mink from DMMD

    Now: Mandalorian

    See you 'round, hopefully!

    🙌  😃🤩  ❣️


  21. Was:  Mink from DMMD


    Now:  Mandalorian



    1. Lindsay


      Sorry but I loved MINK!

    2. 20YearsandCounting


      shows up as hidden and I don't know how to undo it. The image probs triggered the automod and its in the Mod Queue. 

    3. 20YearsandCounting
  22. Hey, all... I doubt there is anyone to read this, but I'll write it anyway. It's always helped to have a place to express certain things around people who really 'get' the issues, instead of just 'mmm-hmm-ing' along. I haven't been here since August 30 - I didn't intend it that way, of course. But it's been good in a way, and painful, too in a way. The good part is that I am now manager of where I am. My previous boss retired, and I was given that spot in July. I have had quite a lot to learn and catch up on. And Covid has just made it all more complicated. I've really had my hands full dealing with that. I haven't even turned on my personal computer at home until now. Of course, I've had time while home - I've just been doing other things to relax. I have missed everyone here, though. The bad part is that the last few months I have realized how 'toxic' I am in real life. I am only now realizing how toxic I have been to those around me. Both in being unable to manage my emotions, and in my inability to connect to my loved ones. These are both issues I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life. I wish I could blame it all on certain people who are no longer part of my life, but the problems I am struggling with precede them. There is so much more I could write, but it is all too 'detailed' for a public forum. I will have to content myself with personal journals again, I guess.
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