20YearsandCounting

LOL, if this happens in Britain, I hate to see the size of them here in the US..... 'Giant Fatberg Measuring 210 Feet Is Clogging Up British Sewer' on HuffingtonPostdotcom

My husband.... And songs like 'Dust in the Wind' by Kansas.... Trigger Warning 'Now don't hang on / Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky It slips away / And all your money won't another minute buy'

My own version of peach tea - Lipton tea brewed with Lipton Peach & Mango; I use sweetener because sugar makes me too thirsty anymore.

Okay, flame me now, but I'm gonna say it..... Family Guy, South Park, American Dad, and cheesy shows like 7th Heaven Family Guy & South Park have degenerated into 'anything flagrantly offensive', and American Dad never had any substance to begin with - All The Stereotypes.... and shows like 7th Heaven lead people to believe that Christians don't have problems - not serious ones, anyway - and if they do, they are easily solved with a little communication & prayer. Yeah. Christians are human too, and complex emotional and psychological problems do not have easy, 30 minute answers.

A combination of cologne, male sweat, and some form of auto lubricant.... Weird, I know.

I think I fell through a time warp yesterday..... Am I the only one who has those pop up randomly? Somehow I didn't get much done except reading and messing around online. I didn't even look at reports and stuff from here that really need attention. And, I didn't go walking either. So my first week of having to walk three days a week, and I failed. I'm wondering if I need to revise my schedule back some. It's so hard to make myself do things, even things I end up enjoying somewhat as or after I do them. What is up with that, by the way? I mean, really, WTAF (What The Actual F*ck?). You would think that, oh, I don't know, enjoying something to even a mild degree would be enough motivation to do it. But no. Not idiot me. I'm tired of always feeling like a failure, and always only seeing my mistakes even when others say I've done well. And my anxiety over this mistake I made at work is getting more difficult to control. I've had to wait about two weeks to talk to the appropriate people & 'own up', and I don't do well when that happens. If it weren't for the anxiety meds, I'd be probably at a solid 3.5 out of 5 right now on the Richter Scale of Anxiety/Panic. 5 is a solid severe panic attack that makes me think I'm having a heart attack. 1 is normal, 'gotta get to work on time & remember to pay that bill today' anxiety. I'm working really hard to hold it down to a 2.5 - I think that's why it's been so difficult to motivate to walk. Even though walking helps my anxiety - sort of. My earbuds don't work right, so I can't listen to Gojira like I usually do, and so my mind wanders and the walk tends to end up as an anxiety session. Earbuds are cheap, but I'm not worth spending money on. I barely even spend money on getting myself a haircut or hairstyle twice a year, and trust me, my hair needs a trim or taming at least every other month. I have long, frizzy, crazy-cat-lady hair right now. But when I think about taking a shower, or styling my hair, it just feels like climbing Mount Everest. You know? I don't go in for all that girly stuff like makeup and styles and painted nails, and I never have. It's sort of a combo of not feeling attached to my own body and caring more about my thought life than my real life. I know that explanation s*cks, but it's the best I can do. Like anyone really cares, anyway. I write because maybe someone out there will think 'Thank God I'm not the only one'.

I wound up having to call in sick to work today, so I can't do my walk like I had wanted to. I'm fairly sure I'll be up and around in time to do it tomorrow, though. Meanwhile, Here's Deadpool......

Thank you... You are too kind.... Does wonders for my self esteem... Bobby is one of my favorite characters, too. He reminds me in many ways of my hubby, except for his propensity for being bearded... If they ever put Bobby in a do-rag and riding vest, I'd probably swoon secretly.... Heartening somewhat, to hear that I am not the only one who has difficulty interacting with people face to face. Many of you DFers probably would not recognize me 'out there', even if I was brave enough to post a profile pic. I admire those of us who can do that.... It's too much like face to face for me to be comfortable with...

I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well. I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban. But mostly Misha. When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen. (that last is latin for 'for forever'). I suppose for some people, there is great difficulty in focusing on anything that is not their 'Misha', and for some, that can be a profoundly negative experience. I just know that thinking about Misha or Karl is vastly and inestimably preferable to having all my 'manifold sins and wickedness' (read mistakes) play on eternal repeat in my head. Do you like how I've swallowed a thesaurus here? I must be somewhat more discomfited than I thought, because that's what happens when I get flustered, LOL. The words get longer. On the page it's somewhat artificial, but not by much. On the page I have time to think, but I still pretty much write whatever comes into my head at the time. Sort of modified stream of consciousness writing. (stream of consciousness, ie James Joyce' Ulysses, a headache I have yet to tackle). And funnily enough, I have yet to get back to watching Supernatural. I am far too connected to Castiel to watch someone else play around with his life. (read: have the writers torture me). I haven't watched since before Christmas. I don't understand how I can do that. Obsess over an actor but not watch the show he's primarily known for and my favorite character. I don't even want to meet him, TBH. Interacting with people IRL is one of my phobias - actual phobia. As in, avoiding unnecessary interactions interferes with my life. I don't socialize outside of my family. Period. I work in a library, which I feel is as quiet as you can get in a 'service industry' job. I would far prefer a factory job, but those are not available right now, and I cannot jeopardize my job. It taxes me to a degree I cannot explain to have to 'people' every day. Like that Castiel meme where he is talking about how whatever he's about to do will apparently require 'interacting with people' and his 'people skills are a little rusty'. I avoid grocery store trips whenever possible, and generally even then do not get out without taking Hubby with me at least 80% of the time. It's called 'anthropophobia' and the medical definition is a 'pathological fear of people or human companionship'. I am convinced that being forced to interact relatively deeply with co-workers that I would not choose to interact with ordinarily on a daily basis exacerbates my tendency to feel disconnected from myself, my emotions, and my family. It is not something that 'gets easier' with exposure. Interacting with patrons does not bother me nearly as much, because there are certain 'rules' that govern those interactions. When patrons do not act in a way that is consistent with those 'rules', I am prone to anxiety attacks. We have a semi-regular visitor who I believe is possibly schizoid, and his behavior is generally somewhat erratic, though never violent (so far). I generally end up having a low level anxiety attack when he comes in, because his behavior does not conform to the typical 'rules' that govern patron-employee interactions. I also find myself profoundly at sea and profoundly confused about what to do or when to step in when he interacts with other patrons. So actually meeting Misha Collins would be more along the lines of a 'waking nightmare' than a 'dream come true'. But that would be true even of my favorite authors. Even meeting some of you DFers intimidates me. It takes a relative sh*t-ton of courage for me to even reach out via email to one of you. Skyping visually is utterly out of the question still, but I am getting used to regular text-like interactions with some staff members I work with. I still cannot even think about chat either, because the 'real time' interaction level is waaay too much like face to face convos. And you guys are by and large unfailingly encouraging, so I know it's not you - it's my phobia, utterly and completely. Interacting online or via text feels more 'real' to me than face to face interactions. I guess that should be no surprise, considering that I generally feel so 'disconnected' during those interactions. I really need to get into therapy for it, though. Not to get rid of it necessarily, but to help me find ways to cope. That sense of disconnect is so profound and so consistent through my entire life that I feel like it is more an expression of my personality than a type of faulty coping mechanism, does that make sense? There isn't any 'traumatic event' to 'cause' this - this sense of disconnect goes back to before I have conscious memories, and is reflected in what my parents have recounted to me of my behavior. Wow, apparently this is a 'thing' for me - didn't realize I natter on and on about it, LOL. Here's Misha.....

I started this blog on my first day of implementing my new year's resolution via The Mighty's 52 Small Steps program. I just realized I need some sort of concrete measuring point - something I can point to and say 'this proves I was successful', or an overall goal that everything works towards. So I've decided that my overall goal is to lose weight and improve the shape I'm in. I won't use numbers here, but it is easily in the mid double digits. I'm not sure how to measure the 'improve the shape I'm in' part. Maybe signing up for a marathon or something next year, like the OKC Memorial Marathon in April next year. I don't think I'll be jogging it, but I'd like to be able to at least walk it without hip pain after the first mile and quarter. I've decided that for my 'walk three times a week, I'll be walking Sunday, Wednesday, & Friday. Having specific days helps me stick to it. Hopefully later this evening I will be editing this post to add that I went on my walk after work. Edit 1/10 to add: Yes, I did go walking yesterday evening after work - I stayed out for 20 minutes and went just over 1.1 miles.

....Which means I should probably not say anything until I get my thoughts together, huh? I'm trying to get used to the idea of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and even having feelings if that doesn't sound crazy enough. I feel like I spend most of my day stuffing things. Like the song in Frozen, 'conceal, don't feel'..... I think I might have missed taking my meds this morning... I can't remember for sure. I think I need to break down and get one of those daily pill things. This tends to happen more often when I'm stressed and need the meds the most. Hopefully I can keep it together this morning and keep my mouth shut. Anxiety makes me talkative and assertive, so I really have to work overtime to make sure I"m not speaking out of turn. Here's Misha. I love his craziness, mainly because I could never in a million years feel comfortable enough to be that unapologetically odd. It's something to aspire to.

LOL, I should be getting dressed for work right now. But here I am. Overall it's been a good few days....

Some songs do more than resonate.... Some songs reflect such a deep, perhaps previously unrealized part of yourself that you simultaneously want to hug fiercely the person who wrote it and beat them upside the head for putting a recorder in your brain to record your thoughts..... Oh, no one else thinks that? Oh, well. Anyway, some songs are just fundamentally 'us' in some way or another. Here are a few of mine, in no particular order..... [and yes, I will wax spiritual at a couple of points, so forewarned.....] Carnival by Natalie Merchant https://youtu.be/o9ZHuvBcVJg There is not one line in this song that I do not deeply identify with...... Even the feel of the song - like someone walking through life more as an observer than a participant.... Very much entranced and enchanted by what they see, but somehow apart from it...... Lonely Road of Faith by Kid Rock https://youtu.be/rSgTAJiWXvs This song reflects very much my relationship with my husband, and my feelings for him. He is so much of who I am that I couldn't put together a list like this without mentioning him. I love it because it also reflects a lot of things I've learned over the years.... In many ways, faith is a lonely road, because it is one only we can walk for ourselves... Dust in the Wind by Kansas https://youtu.be/tH2w6Oxx0kQ This song brings me so much peace inside, I just cannot explain it. I just can't. You'd think it would be depressing.... Whenever I listen to it I can just feel myself relax inside...... It just reflects a very deep part of me, I guess...... If I Ever Lose My Faith In You by Sting https://youtu.be/7km4EHgkQiw This one is my spiritual beliefs pretty much summed up in one song. For me, this is a deeply spiritual song about/for Christ. Which has got to be the epitome of irony, because Sting is an avowed and unapologetic atheist - I am quite sure Christ was the last thing on his mind when he wrote it. Nonetheless, if I had to sum up my spiritual beliefs in a song, this would be it....... 'I could be lost inside their lies.... without a trace.... but every time I close my eyes..... I see your face' (you being Christ)

I hear you, ArthurP. You seem like an intelligent, highly capable person - I have no doubt you have done the best you could. Our best looks different depending on where we are in life, and what we are struggling with. You are doing your best right now, too. You can do this, ArthurP. I was in a similar situation a couple years ago, though my job does not carry nearly the responsibility yours does. Even my tried and true anxiety management techniques did not help much. Of course, back then I did not have my anti-anxiety meds. I was in the middle of another work crisis about three months ago when I finally went to my doc about anti-anxiety meds - it was either that or quit my job. I talk to my regular doctor, not a psych - it's too hard to find one in network. You might think about talking to your regular doc about getting you on some anti-anxiety meds if you're not already. It's made a world of difference for me.