20YearsandCounting

I really have no words this morning. It's Friday. I'm still working on reminding myself how blessed I am. It's hard to feel blessed, though, when you've reduced your expenses as far as you can, given up all the stuff you used to enjoy, and you still can't pay all your bills or save up for future disasters. It doesn't feel like a blessing to not be able to buy & cook the type of food that would help my husband heal properly. It doesn't feel like a blessing to choose between which necessities I need the most. It doesn't feel like a blessing to not be able to even afford the gas to go to free places and events. TBH, none of that feels like a blessing. And none of it is 'compensated' by telling myself I'm lucky to have such a great job. And that's my hangup. So here's Misha, being weird.

Ever had one of those days when you wish you felt sick, or had a broken arm so you could have a legit reason to not go to work? Not because you want to stay home and goof off, but because you're just having a hard time 'adulting' that day? Yeah, that's today for me. I'm having trouble adulting today. I feel like a car with a faulty tie-rod end - the next bump or pothole could send my tire flying off into the blue yonder & leave me stranded. I really need to stop, put the car up, and fix it, replace that tie-rod end before it goes. So why don't I?

It's gonna be a long d*mn day today. Today is my late day, I won't get home until after 7pm. I really need to remind myself I"m lucky. I need to count my blessings; for me, it helps. There is such a tendency to only see the negative, it's not deliberate, but it slips in when I'm not careful. I feel like I'm teetering on an edge again; walking a tightrope no one else can see. Last week was a little tough, but I"m lucky I was only subject to the by=blows of events, and not the actual focus of them. It makes me nervous, though; I wonder when it will be my turn to be the focus. But I cannot think like that, I just can't. I can't let that monster out of the bag. It serves no purpose except to trigger me; it doesn't help me prepare. I know this is a little dark for my Cas & Misha blog, but I missed posting Misha yesterday. I have to say I love Jared Padelecki's Sam Winchester, but for different reasons. Something about him reminds me of my son; sort of a gentle, quiet, intelligent, capable giant. Sometimes, I feel like this one below when stuff happens; I just sort of pray this to God sometimes, forgive me, LOL. I have to laugh at some point or I'll go nutter. I really do wonder at God sometimes. His def of good and mine seem to be slightly different.

Two different authors for me, both well done. Solomon Bull by Clayton Lindemuth; main character is Native American, cross country runner, independent stock trader, savvy hacker, and a bit of a counter-culture person. I enjoyed seeing things from his POV. The Gauguin Connection by Estelle Ryan; main character is on the Autism spectrum, and has turned her intense powers of observation into a career (think 'Lie to Me' cable series). There is a hint of romance towards the end of the book, but it is very subtle, and viewed within the framework of the main character's understanding.

Have you caught the 'Godzilla 2: Planet of Monsters' anime yet? Not bad. I'm hoping there's a 3. PS I looooved MidsomerM*u*r*d*ers. The hubby & I decided everyone in Midsomer is either a) a future M*u*r*d*er victim or b) a future M*u*r*d*er*er. Small town life, it's a killer, eh? LOL.

Well, my angels, it's been a productive weekend - for me, anyway. My style of productive, which would probably still be a vacay for some. I got several chores done Saturday, one of which was cleaning the fridge. Which I generally put off, because, you all know how exciting it is to clean the fridge. Maybe I should have waited until time for science experiments to be due, then passed off some of the contents to desperate students. 'Study of Penicillium in an enclosed, 38F environment'. LOL. Today, I got to visit my oldest and my granddaughter. Yep, I'm that old. She's a little corker, too. This last week was pretty eventful, and rather more full of drama than I would prefer. But I survived. Sometimes I think 'd*mm*t, I survived' and sometimes I go 'whew'. Not sure which one I was this week. I haven't written at all on my Supernatural fanfiction all week, that's how it's been. I just don't feel like me when I can't write. So anyway, here's my Misha, it's been a few days, heck since nearly last weekend apparently. That last one was Misha in the movie 'Legends'. Gonna have to see that.

Welcome to DF, carols. MMoose is right - you should not have to choose between your mental health and your family. I'm sorry that your family cannot be supportive. Depression is difficult enough to fight. It sounds like you have quite a lot to deal with. So much suicide in one part of your family - is there any way you can maybe talk to someone? If your family is reluctant to support medication, is there maybe a pastor you could talk to instead? And you cannot blame yourself when someone chooses to take their own life. Some of us manage to fight depression for a long time, and sometimes we just cannot keep fighting anymore. There are too many factors involved for you to blame yourself.

Welcome back to DF, youngbull. Jessiesmom is right, you need to find a way to separate from your mom. She should be protecting you, that should be her first priority. There is never an excuse for an adult to get violent with a child, of any age. Claiming that you somehow deserve it is classic enabling mentality, and completely wrong.

(blush) thank you JD. I enjoy your posts, too.

Sorry I keep missing you. I can identify. I keep wondering when I get to start doing things I enjoy, instead of always having to put so much effort into things I have to do. I hope you are feeling better today.

I'm terrified of work again today. That's really more than I should say, but it's not nearly enough. I find myself wishing that something horrible would happen to me so I can't go to work, then scared that the horrible thing will actually k*i*l*l me. Geez, me, pick a lane already. My life feels like so much more than I can handle, and it's felt like that for a long time now. You'd think I would adjust or something. I keep wondering why I'm putting myself through this. I keep wondering if it's really all worth it. To keep k*i*l*l*i*n*g myself to make money and provide for my family, and never have anything leftover for them. Work swallows up all my effort, and I hate it. I hate it that it feels like there is nothing left of me when I get home. I survive at work, and I survive at home. When do I get to enjoy life? When do I get to spend my time doing something that brings me meaning and fulfillment?

I just want you all to know you are all my angels....... Yep, you. DFers. Sluggin' in out hard and dirty with depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality, disassociative identity, PTSD, schizophrenia, psychosis, and any number of other horrible things our minds and bodies are capable of doing to us. You. Are. All. Angels. I know sometimes it seems like no one gives a rat's furry little *ss burning in h*d*s, but don't believe it. Because I care, and any number of others here on DF care. We might be known to you only on the internet, but we're still real people. I understand that it's hard and it sucks donkey b*lls but I also understand it's worth fighting, dear ones. It is, I promise. So, here is a song for you. and remember.... '...if you need a friend / there's a seat here alongside me...' https://youtu.be/B_k0_YokbE8 Putting in a trigger warning for this next one... took me months to be able to listen to Chester sing this one, and I still cry. People out here care about you... We'll help you hold on. Just don't let go. https://youtu.be/5dmQ3QWpy1Q

Hey, lonelyhiker. Sorry I'm just now catching this. What's going on?

Oh, and you are not a taker, G. Takers don't know they're takers. It's like sanity - if you question your sanity, that's how you know you're sane. The insane don't see how crazy they are. You are a giver, not a taker.

G, don't you dare give up on me, man. I need you to hang in there, okay? Please don't give up. I know it feels like forever every time you get here, but it's not. You're kids deserve having a great dad like you in their life, don't underestimate the power of that. Give me a hollar, G, let me know what's going on.