20YearsandCounting

Let us know how you're feeling today....

Last week was crazy for me.... out of town conference, sitting in classes all day, away from hubby... completely thrown out of my routine. I didn't sleep very much or very well. Anyway, here's this week. We're undergoing renovations at work right now, so things are up in the air there, too. Monday, March 18- it was beautiful here, so I took the long way home; 30 minutes, 1.56 miles Tuesday, March 19- chance of rain after work, so hubby & I went to the gym; 30 mins treadmill (7 mins @ 2.5mph; 23 mins @ 3.6mph) Wednesday, March 20- pretty much a good day, but I had anger issues after work, so I took myself out for an extra 20 minutes. 49.5 mins & 2.8 miles - great weather so I walked outside Thursday, March 21- Friday, March 22- Saturday, March 23- Sunday, March 24- It's nearly the weekend (posting this Thursday)... and it's almost that time of year again...

I'm edging into the good time of the month now. The time when I feel fairly confident and capable. There still seems to be a disconnect between what I want to do and what I actually do. I've been looking up something called Executive Function Disorder, but I don't think I quite meet the criteria. It's hard to say. Anyway, because this IS my Karl Urban and Misha Collins blog, and because I need to keep my mind on more positive things, I'll drone on and on about Karl. Because I can find many different movies and shows with lots of Karl in them. I really wish Misha would get picked up for something besides Supernatural - I'd love to see him in something else. (like a nice tux, with funky pants.... hey, these are the jokes, people) I think I'll re-binge-watch (Is that even a word? It is now) Almost Human. I really dearly loved that show - Fuck You Fox Network. And Thank You. But Fuck You Very Much, too. This meme pretty much sums it up... To me they are the 'If Its Amazing We Will Only Give It One Season, But If It Sucks It Will Never Die' Network - these are both Fox Network shows, not so coincidentally. I love Detective Kennex. I've heard it said that we pick our heroes because they remind us of ourselves in some way. He reminds me of myself in that I see myself as grumpy and asocial; hard to know, but if he lets you in, endlessly loyal. I don't think I'm very effective at fighting for those I love, though - in fact, I know I'm not. That's an area I definitely need to improve in. I struggle just to feel connected to those I love, to communicate with them and spend time with them. I'm so much more comfortable in my own head - is there even a character for that? If I ever find a meme for that, I'll post it here, I promise. I love my family, they are the most amazing people I know, especially my husband. But I feel so disconnected from them and from the world around me - some days I almost expect to be disconnected from a 3d holographic projection because my time is up and it's someone else's turn to use it. Who the hell feels like that? That's the main reason I connect to Castiel - Jimmy Novak is a body he wears - his true home is an alternate dimension. Anyway, I'd better get going. One last pic... If you're a Supernatural fan, you'll get it.

It's easier to manage my anxiety; I still have hormonal fluctuations that affect my energy. I like it that I'm doing something positive. How are you doing? Do you have an exercise routine?

I Get Knocked Down (But I Get Up Again) - Chumbawumba (I get knocked down / But I get up again / You're never gonna get me down) Pull Me Under (I Am Not Afraid) - Dream Theater (This world is spinning around me / This world is spinning without me / And every day sends future to past / Every breath leaves one less to my last.... Pull me under / Pull me under / I am not afraid) Township Rebellion - Rage Against the Machine (Fight the War / F*ck the Norm) K*ll*ng In the Name of - Rage Against the Machine (F*ck You I Won't Do What You Tell Me) You Call Me a Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing - Halestorm (You call me a bitch like it's a bad thing / You call me a freak like that means something) 😎

Wow... it's been nearly two weeks since I put an entry in here. Last week was really crazy for me, but I'm not sure what happened the week before that. Last week we all went to a conference for work. Sitting in classes, routine upended completely, no hubby.... Sleep did not come easily and did not stay for long. I messed up my exercise routine big time, but I"m getting back into the swing of things now. We are renovating at work, so there is upheaval there, too. I am so thankful for one particular person at work who has taught me by example how to maintain a polite, professional demeanor in most circumstances. I cannot explain how valuable that has been to me. There are quite a few things about this person I don't really agree with, but it has been such a relief to have the example of someone that I can be reasonably sure that their interpersonal reactions are relatively healthy, at least within a work environment. So I am getting back into my routine. I had a bit of a meltdown the weekend before last - I ran out of my anxiety meds, and didn't realize it until after the pharmacy was closed. I wound up walking for over an hour that day, completely freaked out hubby.... It was not pretty. I couldn't get refills until Tuesday, and I ran out on Saturday. They told me to take 2 Benadryl every four hours until I refilled. Guess I should be lucky I got a refill, because technically there were no more until my appointment. Anyway, that's all the news that's fit to print... here at least. I wish I could say more, but this IS the internet...... I have been working on developing a Karl Urban collection - a collection of all the movies and TV shows he's been in. So far, I've got the Almost Human series (binge watched that last weekend), Star Trek, Star Trek Into Darkness, & Star Trek Beyond (yeah, I'm a bit of a Trekkie & damn proud). Dredd (loved his version more than Stallone's, sorry-not-sorry). I'm working on getting the Comanche Moon series, which is a sequel to Lonesome Dove. But I only care about Lonesome Dove if I find out it's got a lot of Karl Urban in it. I'm also working on getting some horror flick called And Soon the Darkness; Doom is still on Netflix, so I'm not worried about getting that one until Netflix ix-nays it at some point. (ix-nay means gets rid of, cancels) Better get to work...

Later this week I will be at a work conference in the Big City. That is my idea of a nightmare, not to mention that I'm out of anxiety meds and reduced to taking 2 Benadryl every 4 hours until my re-up appointment Wed. Mon Mar 11- walked just over 1.6 miles in 30 minutes Tues Mar 12- (my late day at work) Wed Mar 13- (re-up appt) travel to conference (2.5 hours one way) 30 minutes on treadmill at 3.7mph Thur Mar 14- missed - conference Fri Mar 15- missed (travel home from conference) Sat Mar 16- missed - date with hubby out of town (hour one way) Sun Mar 17- walked short lap with hubby; had trouble motivating; .5 miles, @15 mins.

I am really not feeling well this morning - I had canned chili last night and it's not agreeing with me. Ugh. At least I've managed to get up earlier in preparation for the stupid time change Sunday. Anyway, here is this week.... Monday, March 4th- 35 minutes easy yoga for beginners; Tuesday, March 5th- missed a workout - spent the day out of town at a workshop Wednesday, March 6th- walked 1.6 miles in 30 minutes Thursday, March 7th- out sick - does running to the bathroom count as exercise? Friday, March 8th- went home sick early; didn't work out Saturday, March 9th- had a major anxiety attack bc I ran out of anxiety meds - walked nearly 4.2 miles in 1h 15min Sunday, March 10th- missed my walk and workout again, but I wasn't sick

I don't know how I'm feeling this morning. Anxious, which is fairly normal. I am learning that the majority of my anxiety comes from working with one particular person, who is relentlessly critical. If this criticism were in support of high standards, I would find a way to embrace it, because trying to achieve higher standards helps us grow and learn and expand our abilities. But this relentless criticism has always been about exercising control over others. I don't know if that distinction makes sense to anyone but me. Criticism that seeks to control is not based in any system of standards that makes any sense - it is based in that person's inability to cope with their negative emotions. I continually walk on eggshells around this person, especially when they are having difficulty or conflict in their home life. When they are having difficulty in their home life, nothing and no one is safe from criticism. They even gripe and criticize in front of customers, and this is greatly frowned upon where I work at. Most of the time, my life at work is a literal exhibition of the song from Frozen, part of which goes 'conceal, don't feel...' And I don't have to tell you how unhealthy that is. This person is a constant source of criticism, ridicule, and complaint. And they do not even hear themselves - they actually consider themselves very open minded if you can believe that. Yet anything or anyone who does not agree with or measure up to their standards is roundly and thoroughly and mercilessly criticized and made fun of. Openly, in front of everyone. I'm not really sure about the mental gymnastics it takes to be so constantly critical and yet still think you are a tolerant individual. Conversely, they absolutely cannot handle any form of criticism of their own ideas or thoughts or actions. Anything less than enthusiasm and acceptance is met with anger; if you try to bring up difficulty or how they have hurt you, the response is a blank stare, followed by derisive laughter and comments to the tune of 'you can't just make stuff up'. So having a straightforward convo about issues is virtually impossible with this person, yet they think they think they are great at facilitating communication. I could go on and on but I need to stop now. 'Conceal, don't feel', put on my game face... Sadly my personality is much like a lightning rod. So you can imagine how fun that makes it sometimes. If there were factory jobs available I would walk off today. But I'm the breadwinner, so endure I will. I hope.

The time change will be upon me all too soon - I hate it. I hate it not only because I lose an hour a day, but because here in the Midwestern US the 'fall back' time fits my Circadian Rhythm much better. So come spring, I'm always a little exhausted - I looked it up, its something like chronic fatigue, only caused by having to live a schedule that's just a little bit (hour or so) off your natural Circadian Rhythm. It turns out it's just as exhausting as it feels, losing that stupid little hour. So I"m taking my nightly meds an hour earlier and working my way up to getting up earlier. LOL, when I set my alarm for 6am, I end up waking up at 5am. Set it for 5am, I wake up at 4am..... Ugh. So right now I'm just trying to get the fuck out of bed when I wake up. Sounds simple, right? The anxiety hits me pretty quickly. Doc tells me its because my thoughts are not focused then, that the anxiety is more likely to hit me when I am unfocused. So I am trying to keep in mind things I actually - gasp - enjoy doing. (I know, right? I have things I enjoy now! It does happen, so don't lose faith) Like blogging here, or writing on one of my silly little FanFictions. I"m trying to give knitting a shot - I'll have to put in a pic of the poor excuse for a scarf/dishcloth/whateverthehell later - you'll get a good laugh out of it. Monday, I made a little progress. I managed to walk for just over 30 minutes. I'm going to have to vary my walking route, though, as it's getting a little boring walking past the same houses over and over. I'm also showering in the evening, and another goal is to get my hair trimmed and have a wave put in. I'd say 'permed' but the last time I home permed my hair (it's really insanely thick and wavy) I ended up with a white person afro, not unlike the christian singer Carmen, if you google old pics of him in the 80's. Wow, yeah. You know it's not going to be good when your mom takes one look at your hair and says 'oh honey, I'm so sorry'. LOL. I washed and washed and it ended up looking really curly for awhile anyway. My hair is currently somewhat reminiscent of Sybil Trelawney in Harry Potter. Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to post additions to this post this week. I know, it's a slow pace, but it sure as heck doesn't feel slow - it gets my heart pumping, and that's what counts. Monday Feb 25th- 1.94 miles, 33 minutes (hi temp 63F) (ps, this time of year, that hi temp means 'fixing to freeze your sorry ass') Tues Feb 26th- missed a workout or walk because the bottoms of my feet hurt so bad (hi temp 39F) Wed Feb 27th- HasFit 30 min beginners HIIT Routine on YouTube (hint: I did Claudia's 'easy' version & I think I had a near death experience, LOL) (hi temp 25F) Thu Feb 28th- HasFit 30 min beginners HIIT Routine in YouTube (yep, the easy version Claudio does, and yep it's not easy, LOL) (hi temp 28F) Fri Mar1st- missed a workout because we traveled to the city to do shopping after work - so I was walking, just not the healthy kind of walking, LOL Sat Mar 2nd- HasFit 30 min beginners HIIT Routine in YouTube (I must have been doing it wrong because it felt slightly easier, and no near death experiences) Sun Mar 3rd- 20 minutes of Pilates for Seniors (that totally killed me anyway)

I'm glad that they worked something out for you. I hope it helps you manage your anxiety. Anxiety can be tough to deal with.

Barring a few minor things like the normal morning 'runs', I actually feel - gasp - pretty damn good this morning! I'm sure work will no doubt change that, LOL. Usually does. But that's okay. For now, I feel great! Like the song says, 'I got a little change in my pocket goin' jing-a-ling-a-ling...' I know you can't buy happiness, but when you have a little extra to buy one or two things (BOOKS! ALL THE BOOKS!) it does help quite a bit. The past two days I've been doing a HIIT routine - low impact - for beginners, since I don't fancy getting frost bite outside walking. I can really feel the difference. I was struggling along to the easy version of the easy version (LOL) and had to tone even that down because I was having problems with low blood pressure. I can feel a difference in my core muscles, though. I'm joining a gym this month (discount - yay!) so I can walk inside when it's too hot or cold. I think if I alternate these two - walking and the beginners low impact HIIT routine - I won't get too burned out on either one. I still haven't managed to watch any more of Supernatural. I love being able to binge watch on Netflix, but Castiel is so important to me - I can't stand it when things happen to him. When he became human after Metatron took his Grace, and Dean sent him away - I bawled. Like a fucking baby. OMG, I can't handle that right now. Right now I need Castiel to be surrounded by all things light and beautiful. hey, stop laughing at me - that's really real shit there. Castiel is my go-to safe place when I need to wrangle my anxiety. Maybe if I ever get a handle on my stress and anxiety I can start watching the Supernatural writers torture him again.

Thank you, floor. I wish you positive thoughts and prayers in your efforts.

I'm adding a pic of my current attempt at crochet. So far I'm just doing a single stitch, and I"m sure I'm doing absolutely everything totally wrong. I'm not even sure at this point what it will be - I think I was aiming for something 'scarfy', but... Well, you tell me. After you pick yourself up off the floor laughing. See all those curves - that's natural, and it means I'm doing something horribly wrong. I just can't figure out what, LOL. But I'm sticking with it. Because I'm just used to torturing myself, I guess. I'm also trying to alternate walking with a home workout - 21F is a little too cold for me, haha. I tried a new low impact HIIT routine for beginners by a place called HasFit - I followed the easy part and still nearly died. But I can feel the difference still - not 'OMG sore' but what passes for stomach muscle feels tighter. I'm hoping that alternating walking 30 minutes with doing this workout for 30 minutes - as in, either one each day - will help some of my ankle and foot pain. I also need to get better shoes, that's next on the list. At some point in the next month I"ll have to find a way to deal with the inevitable lower back pain. Not 'OMG I think I pulled something' but 'OMG I'm actually getting fitter and it's changing the way my body moves'. I would say that I'm doing this for Misha Collins - because one day I want to meet him and not be totally embarrassed about how I look. But TBH, it's mainly for my hubby and a little for me. And maybe a Little for Misha. So, like 2/5 for Hubby, 2/5 for me, 1/5 for Misha. At the moment, I weigh probably as much as hubby, but I'd like to weigh considerably less than I do now. trigger warning, figures and numbers ahead..... I'll tell you when they're past..... (hint, look for this color again) > > Currently, I think I weigh about 220, and I"m 5'9 or 5'10. I'd like to get down to around 150-160; I feel like that's reasonable. > > > Okay, the numbers are over.... One of the things I've been working on are: trying to only eat when I'm hungry. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but I'm an emotional eater. So only eating when I'm hungry is a pretty big deal. At this point, I've been trying off and on for several years just to be able to record what I eat - not like calories and details though. I can only manage about a day and a half of recording before I get really horribly stressed out over it and quit. So only eating when I'm hungry is a lot of work for me. I'm finding that there are two main times of the day I get hungry, so I'm trying to only eat reasonably then, and maybe one or two small snacks. For me right now, that means I order a footlong sub and it ends up being two meals. That's a change for me. Maybe one day I'll be able to make it three meals. Anyway, better get ready for work....

Welcome to DF, George11211. Depression and anxiety can really take it out of you, especially when you aren't feeling very well. It kind of becomes a snowball effect, plus adding in crappy life events only worsens it. I know it seems scary, but schedule yourself to see a doc. And make sure the doc listens to you - if he doesn't then find someone who will. I know that's easier said than done if you're in the US and having to work with either limited health coverage or no health coverage. I hope that being able to be here and talk about things will help you to some degree.