20YearsandCounting

So I basically have not been walking. I've been on Hydroxyzine for about a year now, for my anxiety. Before that I was taking Benadryl. The Benadryl was not cutting it, and I'd been trying in vain with that for years. My doc (not psychiatrist, family doc/GP) finally started me on Hydroxyzine, and the help has been tremendous. It cuts my anxiety by at least 90% on non trigger days. When I'm triggered, it helps dampen what I feel by about 75% - so the effectiveness goes down somewhat, but it is still miles and miles and miles better than Benadryl. And I actually sleep at night now, even after a trigger. Granted, I wake up more often after a trigger, depending on how big the effect was, but now I sleep for at least 4-5 hours at a time, 3-4 after triggers. Before that, it was only sleeping maybe 4 hours at a time, and only 1-2 at a time after triggers. So now I find the last few months that I am beyond exhausted. I know that I am overweight and out of shape, but I am used to that - I know what that feels like. And this feels much deeper, like something has been drained out of me. I think it has taken my body this long to start to adjust to not having anxiety and panic coursing through me nearly constantly. Or, should I say, anxiety nearly constantly, punctuated by triggered panic attacks that could last for days. My exhaustion has been affecting my work in that I am not as quick to 'get up from my desk and do' as I used to. I still get up from my desk quickly to help people, but now I find it difficult to find the energy to do those parts of my job that require getting up and moving around. I think part of that is my natural tendency to procrastinate things that overwhelm me (which is pretty much everything). And part of it is the exhaustion I feel. I'm sure I should be adjusting my Hydroxyzine dosage to see if that helps. But the thought of experiencing that anxiety again is terrifying to me, particularly because I cannot avoid my triggers. My trigger is mainly related to one person, and I cannot avoid that person- I need my job too much. Having help managing my anxiety has helped me a lot in learning to moderate my behavior with this person so that I avoid triggering situations whenever possible. But sometimes it happens anyway. I've also started on Effexor - I've been on the minimum dose, but at least with this there are no buggy side effects, so we are in the process of upping the dosage. I am working with balancing taking the once a day Effexor with when I take the Hydroxyzine, as I have to take them about an hour apart, and I have to eat with the Effexor. I do have some tendency to be more easily triggered a few hours after I take the Effexor, especially if it has been at least four hours since my last Hydroxyzine dose. I'm to take Hydroxyzine four times a day, which for me is about every 5 hours, 4 hours when I'm having a trigger day. I aim for three times a day on 'calm' days, or about every five to six hours, but that sometimes backfires if I wind having a surprise trigger event. Since I had a trigger day yesterday, I skipped the Effexor due to the timing of the trigger event, and today I am taking them four hours apart instead of five. I've found it is far easier to work through my anxiety with the Hydroxyzine. Normally, one of the problems I have with anxiety and panic attacks is that I loop very badly. I remain obsessively focused on whatever the trigger event was. Unchecked, I literally find it going through my mind over and over again, like a demented playback machine that keeps repeating one moment in time. It can go on for days, spiralling into progressively worse behavior on my part. My coping techniques have to do with derailing my looping thoughts and substituting something else - generally whatever I am currently obsessing over, as I generally have one topic I obsess over for periods of time, then my interest gradually fades out and I move on to another. Since I cannot listen to Gojira and walk during work, I wind up making lists. Making lists has always been something that calms me. I'm an idiot about making lists. I'm surprised that more of my blog posts don't wind up as lists in one form or another. Anyway, with my current anxiety med, it is much easier to work through this process, as the med bleeds off enough anxiety to make my thought process much less looped/circular/repetitive. Well, work calls, and I must answer.

Okay, I am failing. Miserably. I have been so down and so exhausted. I really think my exhaustion is partly my body not having nearly constant anxiety/adrenaline coursing through it, for nearly a year now. The last couple months I have been really fragging exhausted. I know I'm out of shape, but it feels like a deeper exhaustion than that. And I think it is also partly my body just being tired of the spring time change and not being able to hack it anymore. It has been increasingly difficult to get up when I need to get up. After the fall time change, I will be naturally getting up when I need to. Right now, getting up and walking in the morning is just not possible. If I walk, it has to be right after work, so I will need to make walking home from work a habit when days are nice enough. Wish me luck..... Wed, Oct. 23rd treadmill after work, 1.5 incline; [email protected], [email protected]; 1.74 miles, hr avg 155 Thu, Oct. 24th skipped - it's damn skippy cold out, so I'm trying the gym three -four days a week, we'll see how that goes Fri, Oct. 25th missed Sat, Oct. 26th missed Sun, Oct. 27th missed Mon, Oct. 28th missed Tues, Oct. 29th missed

I was thinking this morning about recognizing myself - or not. I hate getting ready in the morning, because when I look in the mirror, I feel like I"m putting makeup on a stranger. I feel no attachment to who I see there. I know from experience that what I see is 'me', but it means absolutely nothing. So I got to thinking, what does represent me? What image, avatar, etc do I recognize as 'me' when I look at it? I thought about my avatar here - Nope. Not me. I thought of pictures from my childhood. Nope - I can recognize myself but it is purely through experience. I feel no connection to it. Sometimes I can remember bits of the events during which the picture was taken, and I can recognize my family. Even recognizing my family feels odd - almost like they are the family of that girl in the picture who happens to be me. Anyway, it occurred to me - I started with picturing a blank white image - what can I put here that feels like me? And I realized that the blank white image felt like me. I recognized it on a basic, emotional level as 'that is me'. Like most people do when they see a pic of themselves. Maybe they cringe and think 'Oh, why did I do my hair that way?', but they still know on a fundamental level that is them. I think it startled me just as much to feel that sense of recognition as it did to realize I was looking at... nothing. What does that mean?

Sorry I haven't been posting here, JD. I feel like I'm letting you down. I haven't walked in ages, not even after work. I think it's the Hydroxyzine (for anxiety). I think I need to cut back somehow, but I am terrified of feeling the panic again. Anyway, I hope you are able to get out, even a little. Don't give up!

TBH, I think he's prepping for 'life after Supernatural', and promoting his upcoming book.... but still. To quote Bill the Cat: 'Aaaaack!'

I'm hoping I'm starting to be on the tail end of this utter exhaustion thing. All I want to do is sleep. I've been on Hydroxyzine/Atarax for about a year now, and I wonder if part of my exhaustion is just the absence of constant low level anxiety, punctuated with bouts of anxiety or panic attack. It doesn't feel like 'depression tired' - does that make sense? The exhaustion is physical, and affects my mental energy, as opposed to exhaustion being mental and affecting my physical energy. I"m not sure if anyone can understand the distinction. Anyway, here we go for another week, hopefully there will be more walks recorded this time. Wed Oct 16th walked home + a lap after work: 1.55 miles/28 mins, hr 160, temps mid 70s I think Thu Oct 17th missed Fri Oct 18th walked home after work - .8 miles/15 mins Sat Oct 19th missed Sun Oct 20th missed (sick) Mon Oct 21st missed (sick) Tue Oct 22nd missed (sick)

I hear you. It is so frustratingly subjective, too. One person's 'above mainstream' is another person's 'below mainstream'. I still haven't figured out why we cannot just take people as they are, and appreciate what we have in common...

Misha Collins put what is ostensibly his phone # up on twitter, and asked people to text him. This was about a week or so ago I think. I found it earlier this week (I don't know why I even have Twitter, I never check it, I was curious I guess. Hubby described Twitter as 'a crowd of people all shouting their own conversation, and unless you are a celebrity, you don't get heard', or something to that effect. I have not seen anything to convince me otherwise...) Anyway, you would think this Misha fan would jump at the chance.... I am actually close to having anxiety attacks at the thought of it. By the time I manage to work myself up to it, and figure out what I want to say, it will probably be over.

I have been unbelievably exhausted in the morning, especially considering that I am generally getting to bed at the unholy early hour of roughly 930pm. I think my body is finally tired of the spring time change - my natural circadian rhythm seems to match the fall time change best. I wind up spending most of the year feeling like I'm not quite getting enough sleep. Wed, Oct 9th storms threatening this morning - will have to try later; - too hot after work, didn't make it Thu, Oct 10th too exhausted this morning after my shower, didn't sleep well; Fri, Oct 11th Missed Sat, Oct 12th missed Sun, Oct 13th missed Mon, Oct 14th missed Tue, Oct 15th exhaustion has been a real problem for me lately. partly hormonal, partly emotional - in large part, I am tired of being here. I'm working on a blog post. for now, it's dinner with one of my kids tonight. the small things keep me going.