20YearsandCounting

It's dark days.... It's all I can do to get myself out there. It's all I can do to take a shower every three days. Thank god I work in an office. I've been doing my minimal route - about 5-7 minutes, depending on how my ankle is feeling. God, I love hormones. Not. I really need some positivity and encouragement this week. Wed July 17th .28mi/6 mins - so hard to get out.... Thu July 18th .28mi/6 mins - and a shower. I feel like going back to bed, but I have important reports due Aug 1 & 15. So work it is. Fri July 19th Sat July 20th Sun July 21st Mon July 22nd Tue July 23rd

21 days!!!!!! Don't think you cannot do it..... you can! ( @JD4010 @Depressedgurl007 @nojoy @Natasha1 ) Anything you can do is better than nothing..... End of the driveway? End of the block? Awesome! Wed July 10 1.1 mi/19 mins - my Pacer app mysteriously deducted .3 miles, but I'm using the distance that comes up most often. Thurs July 11 1.35 mi/25 mins - 530 this morning - I am maybe starting to get better about getting up instead of just tossing and turning. We'll see. Fri July 12 1.3 mi/20 mins - my anxiety has been pretty bad this month, but I know why, so I'm trying to keep it under control. Sat July 13 1.09 mi/20mins - Sun July 14 .89mi/16mins & mowing lawn (push mower & emptying bag 6 times, plus pulling restart cord 7 times) an hour Mon July 15 .29mi/7mins - because I still haven't recovered from yesterday Tue July 16 .29 mi/7 mins - I am fighting serious fatigue and likely PMS crap - it is all I can do to just get out there for even that long. And my hip aches so bad! July 15th: I really pushed it too hard yesterday morning. I mowed the lawn - after the first 45 mins, I literally felt like I would collapse on the lawn, so I finally went inside. Rested for 15 mins, then finished the rest in 15. I just mowed, didn't use the weedeater because holding it gives me neck aches, and I already had a killer headache from getting overheated and overexerted. Pushmower with a bagger and a pull start. For most guys its probably nothing, but for me, it was too much apparently. It took me all day to get to the shower and wash off all the grass and dirt - I was just that bone-deep exhausted. As it was, I almost passed out in the shower that evening. I only did a short quarter mile this morning, and it took me a whole 7 mins to do it - I very nearly didn't go at all. I'm not even sure I'll go to work, and if I do, I might leave early.

July 12 - My anxiety has been pretty bad this month because I have a couple of reports due - one due August 1st, the other due August 15th. They are both a pretty big deal - the one due the 15th is actually a report over the whole library - expenses, statistics, etc. Anyway... When my anxiety gets bad, I tend to procrastinate. Mainly because I do not get much relief, if any at all, from working on whatever is causing my anxiety. I just feel intensely sick and terrified the entire time I'm working on it. I feel like I'm consistently at a 2.5 out of 5, and when I work on it, that jumps up to about a 3-3.5 the entire time. When I stop working on it, it only goes down to a 2. So small wonder that, surprise, I don't want to work on it. Not only is there no 'relief' in allowing myself to plan and work on it, but my anxiety level gets bad enough while I'm trying to work on it that I find it difficult to concentrate. So I am trying to work on it in small batches and steps. I finally got 'started' a couple days ago on the one due the 1st, and I've been steadily working small batches on the other one since about July 1st. And don't hate on me too hard about this next one. We borrow books from other libraries for our patrons. I sent one back damaged, and the library emailed us. Our practice is to call the library when this happens and make arrangements - do we buy another one, repair this one? I couldn't remember for sure about this one, so I just sent it along. I've been hemming hawing and actually thinking about covering up my mistake - 'damaged in transit' - but the sick anxiety wouldn't go away until I just decided 'f*ck it, suck it up, Buttercup and face the music'. Surprisingly, I've calmed down quite a lot about it since then. I'm reacting to the situation like it's life or death, and I have to remind myself it's not.

I hear you. I have such a hard time feeling 'connected' to my own body - I've had that problem my entire life, and I still have times where I look in the mirror to put my makeup on, and I almost don't recognize who I see. Crazy-gurl talk, I know. So 'taking care' of myself doesn't always make sense to me. It's hard to describe, and my apologies for sounding like a right nutter. I hear what you're saying about 'feeling better' being an elusive goal, though. TBH, I'm not really sure what my motivation is. Would you laugh if I said 'being able to cosplay Castiel Novak, or even Meg Masters from Supernatural?'

I hear you. Are you in an office all day, or do you have to be on your feet? I don't know which is worse, TBH. I've had factory work where I literally walked for 10 hours (picking nonconveyables in a warehouse, ie items that did not go down the conveyor belt well) and now this job where its possible for me to sit on my *ss for 8 hours. Not sure which I would prefer now - at least with picking noncons in the warehouse I got my miles in, LOL. I gained so much weight when I had to quit that one (moved back here and got married). It has helped me a lot to remind myself that 'anything is better than nothing'. I get into a mindset that if I cannot do 'xyz', I might as well not go. I'm dreading the first time I break my streak - I know it will happen.

I'm sure that's true, Mark. I know that when Clockwork Orange came out in 1971, the US was nearing the end of the Vietnam War, and Wikipedia says 'The Troubles' (Northern Ireland conflict) were just about getting started, I wonder if those issues had any relevance. I think the way it was filmed was meant to be edgy, maybe avant-garde? For me it just came off as a mish-mash, like trying to film 'stream of consciousness', which is hard enough to follow in a book, LOL.

Wow! Today (July 3rd) makes 14 straight days of me getting up and walking in the morning!!!!! I'm not actually sure if Dean would approve, but I"m pretty sure he would appreciate the effort. Okay, so he probably wouldn't care, but it helps to think he might. I almost didn't get out and walk because my ankle has flared up again. But I told myself to just get out and walk my short 5 minute walk, and once I got outside - an hour earlier than usual - the birds were singing, the sun was just peeking through the clouds.... I tried to get video with birdsong in it, but it didn't turn out very well - mainly because I turned the phone sideways partway during my video. You can really hear the birdsong a few times, though. So if you just close your eyes, it's not too bad. I'll try again tomorrow. So I glided over another milestone, which I don't expect to be repeated yet - I actually looked forward to my walk. I feel like this is a combo of taking my antidepressant at night and putting real effort into making walking a habit every morning. I set my alarm for 600am CDT, which of course means my body decides to wake up at 450am. So I roll over and basically doze off and on until 550. I got up and was out for my walk about 600. The birds were really singing, the sun was just lighting the sky, it was awesome. It makes me want to get up at 600 tomorrow morning so I can maybe hear the birdsong again. I'd also like to try recording a few minutes of it and seeing if I'm smart enough to download it. LOL. Wednesday, July 3rd 1.14 miles/23 mins; same route as yesterday, only today I gain a mysterious .3 mile somehow... Thursday, July 4th Total: 1.62 miles: 930am- 1.1miles/19 mins normal loop (lost that mysterious .3 mi); 7pm .52 miles/26 mins Canton Lake Hike trail Friday, July 5th 1.45 miles/26 mins - normal route plus an extra loop - I was taking pics for my Pacer app, so it took me longer. Saturday, July 6th 1.1 miles/22 mins - Sunday, July 7th 1.73 miles/31 mins - it was 85F, still as death, & I nearly collapsed from heat exhaustion. 'God I love summer in the Midwestern US', said no one, ever. Monday, July 8th .81 miles/15 mins - had to cut it short, my system is still a little wonky from yesterday. Tuesday, July 9th 1.1 miles/18 mins - it was sprinkling off and on July 5th: I didn't sleep well last night - I had anxiety attacks off and on most of the night. It was a near thing that I even got out this morning. But I felt that urge to walk, and it helped me get over the 'tired/out of sorts/everything is wrong/I cannot face the day' mode and get out there. Since I discovered the route mapping ability on my Pacer app (I've only had it for 4 or 5 years, lol) I find that I am looking forward to walking new routes so I can map them. July 6th: I had a late night and was tired; my alarm actually woke me up for once. My body is getting accustomed to walking when I wake up in the morning - that and I find I don't want to break my streak. The urge is there - it's pretty weak still, but it's there. It's just enough to get me out, if I tell myself I'll just do half my normal loop. Ended up doing my normal loop anyway. I feel like the habit of it - and knowing I have a streak going - are making a difference in getting me out there even when I'm pretty tired. July 9th: It was hard to get out the last couple days, but I think that's because I haven't slept well. I've been off my workweek schedule a bit due to stress. But it has helped to think that I don't want to break my streak. It was sprinkling off and on when I walked - nearly went to the gym instead. My ankle hasn't been too bad at all - barely even there, as long as I wear my trusty tennis shoes with the insole in them. I wore another pair of shoes - still with a decent insole, but not my special one - and I was hobbling for a day and half after that. Ugh. At least I found something fairly cheap & over the counter that works.

Usually I freeze all the time, but ever since I got heat exhaustion several years ago, I can't handle anything over 90F. I went walking yesterday and it was 'only' 84F, and I nearly collapsed. Ugh. Agree that sweat sucks. My daughter told me that eating garlic helps repel insects. One of her cousin-in-laws gives their kids garlic pills. Not sure about the science of it, though.

I think I'm somewhere in season 11. I would like to start a collection, probably just the seasons with Castiel in them, though.

I feel like I am hanging on to the side of the cliff by my literal fingernails.... My anxiety is starting to get out of control again - I have a couple of highly important reports to do, one by the first part of August, one by the middle of August. And one is about things that did not turn out the way I wanted them to, so I am really nervous. It is only the second time I have done either of them, so I am really nervous. I think I might have to binge watch Almost Human and Doom and Priest again. I still cannot watch Supernatural, because I am too much Castiel, and I cannot watch bad things happen to him right now. I hope that makes sense to someone out there. I haven't written or read since probably May.... that's become one of my signs that my anxiety is out of whack. There is a point in my anxiety where I read and write to escape, and then there is a point where the anxiety gets so bad I can barely focus on either for very long. I've been in and out of that for most of this year. So here I am, posting one of my favorite actors.

I wasn't sure what to call this thread - I was thinking that it might help if some of us had a place where we can go to share our progress in whatever we are doing to manage our mental illness, whatever that might be. Whatever habit or technique we are trying to make a part of our routine, or even routines we are working on changing. A place to post our progress - or frustrating lack thereof - so we can encourage each other in our efforts. Sometimes, just the thought of being able to tell someone - here or elsewhere - 'I ___________ today!' can make the difference between doing and not doing. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that the minimum is an option. When I really struggle to achieve what I'm working on, I go back to reminding myself that '_________ is better than nothing.' Even a little bit of what you are trying to do regularly is better than not doing it. So no matter what you are trying to change, do, or not do, here is a place you can go to record that and be encouraged in your progress.