20YearsandCounting

You deserve to be valued and respected, honey. From your friends most of all. Dismissing your opinions and your boundaries is not value or respect, and I can tell that you feel that. I think that is the source of the unease you feel around them. On some level, you know you are not being valued and respected. You deserve boundaries, pinkgirl22, and you deserve to have those boundaries respected. Maybe friends will ask about your boundaries, but that is different than dismissing them outright or criticizing them. Asking about boundaries can be a way of respecting you, if it is done with kindness and sincerity. You deserve to be listened to - you deserve to heard out. A friend will encourage you to contribute to conversations, not insult and minimize you. They may disagree with your opinion, but that's different than dismissing you and your experiences by calling you young and stupid. (which you are not, btw). Your experiences are valid, real, legit - you are not young and stupid. You have lived and learned, and you are learning now. You are learning where your boundaries are, and what you can do to make sure those boundaries are respected. Don't feel bad about 'ghosting' - you are protecting yourself from someone who is toxic for you. They don't have to be bad people, honey. Everyone is good and bad to some degree, and we all have faults and strengths and value. But sometimes, some people are just toxic for us to interact with. It doesn't make them good or bad, and it doesn't make us good or bad to limit our interaction with them. Sometimes personalities combine in a way that is toxic for one or both parties. It's okay to limit that relationship, and find out how far you can go and still be healthy yourself. A true friend will help you through this. There may be disagreements, but their overall concern should be helping you be healthy and balanced - not forcing you into some mold or system of behaviors that go against who you are. (hugs)

I think I've been stressed - I haven't blogged, I haven't read (in weeks 😥), I haven't written a single word in my fanfictions (in weeks 😥). I can't seem to focus on anything. Maybe I need to get back to binge watching Almost Human to get myself out of this funk. I've been watching Person Of Interest on Netflix. I really love the characters. I'm not talented like they are, but I still enjoy watching. It manages to hold my interest, and that's a valuable commodity when stress takes my ability to focus. It's an odd feeling for someone who's used to being hyper focused (to the exclusion of my environment) or obsessive about things. And that's about as long as I can focus on this. PS I about cried when C--- died. Cried right along with R---. (trying to avoid spoilers).

I thought that since I went on and on and on about stoicism, I might put in something about the downside of it. In my personality, at least. Not sure how much this crosses demographic categories... A.) I am 'hard to know'. That's a quote, from more than one person. I guess I am innately a very intensely private person. I am someone you can work with for five years and still not know my middle name or where I was born or what my favorite color is. It's not intentional by any means- It's just typical of who I am. I don't talk about myself very often outside of family, and when I do it tends to cause actual anxiety attacks. Yeah. I get anxiety attacks when I share info about myself. I don't think that's part of stoicism, however. I think that's just my own introverted nature showing up. B.) I can seem cold and distant. I think this might be true for many stoics. I strive for an objective nature to such an extent that I often alienate my own feelings. They only get me in trouble at work anyway - and work is where I spend 40 hours a week. But I've always been like that - striving for objectivity. For me, there isn't 'my side'. There is the truth, and how close I can get to that. I'm not sure how much sense that makes. What I've seen is that for most people, their perception is truth, their opinions are fact - that is how most people behave. For me, I've always felt like the actual truth is somewhere in between everyone's perception of it. Like the three blind mice and the elephant, everyone has a slightly different viewpoint. But we are all convinced that our opinions and observations are fact. In reality, they are only our perception, which is miles and miles away from being truth many times. [insert station break for typical morning family activities, like getting kids to school] C.) I can seem very passive - and often am. I think people tend to fall into one of two categories, by and large. There are always exceptions, of course. But generally people are either 'doers' or 'observers'. I am firmly in the 'observer' camp. I admire 'doers'. They change things. But being an observer is who I am. For me to change to a 'doer' is a sign that something inside me is out of whack. Observing is my way of participating, if that makes any sense. Not all stoics are observers - Marcus Arelius is certainly a glaring example. A 'doer' if ever there was one. So if you know any 'observers' in your life, don't necessarily feel bad for them not 'doing'. Sometimes watching is a way of participating. (that makes me think of the series Highlander... remember it? The Watchers?) I'm sure there are others, but I'm trying not to let writing this stress me out. I just thought that I'd put those thoughts down for now. As per usual, I'm closing things out rather abruptly and with no segue. You can't tell it, but I'm actually coughing my lungs up right now. Allergies and drainage. I can barely talk - my voice sounds like gravel, and not the sexy gravel like Kathleen Turner, LOL. So off I go to cough and hack my way to work. Sounds fun, right? Don't try to hide it, I know you're jealous....

Sometimes we just need a little inspiration, you know? And we all have a different idea of what that is. I know someone who reads those memoirs of people who have been through horrific events and overcome them. I know another person who enjoys interacting with the kids that come in to the library. As for me, who knows... I guess it depends. I suppose what inspires us changes, doesn't it? It's not always the same thing. What picks me up when I"m really dragging the ground (like this morning)? Focusing on things I enjoy that I can take with me in some way. A celebrity I like, a saying that has meaning for me.... sometimes I just lean into the struggle and let it push me where it will. I learn alot that way. Doesn't always work for getting my game face on and being out in the public. Don't get me wrong, my spiritual beliefs are my rock - my belief in God is what keeps me going. Sometimes I just need something that makes me feel positive in some way - I guess that's what inspiration is, isn't it? Something that elevates us in some way? Too many things - including my spiritual beliefs - cause me to castigate myself and trigger a neverending round of self loathing. So some of the things that others may find inspirational tend to trigger negative reactions in me. Many times, I think of fictional characters that I identify with. I know that character isn't real - but the person who created it is. And that lets me know that somewhere out there is someone who knows what it's like to be me - or part of being me, anyway. That is why characters like Detective John Kennex or Castiel Novak or Dean Winchester or John Grimm inspire me. Not because of their fictional actions, but because the person who envisioned them, the person who gave them life, knows those character traits. So it's really that person, nameless, unknown, that I connect with. Kennex is, after all, only what he's written to be. But someone had to pull from their own experience, or their understanding of someone else, to create him. Staff Sergeant John Grimm, RRTS Hellfighters Squad: John Kennex, Detective, Delta Section of The City Castiel Novak (or Castiel Shurley), Seraph and perpetual Dean rescuer Dean Winchester, protective big brother, accepter of all the blame (whether he earned it or not)

My biggest lesson lately has also been my hardest - learning to forgive myself when I fall short. I have problem forgiving others; it's just me I never seem to accept 'reasons' for. I either pass or I fail. Believe it or not that's an improvement from years ago when I had to exceed my goals or fail. Yep. I could meet my goals and still manage to see myself as a failure. I have a real talent for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory - it's a tough one to overcome. Monday, April 15th- it was 80F but pretty breezy, so I walked the long way home - 25 mins, 1.22 miles Tuesday, April 16th- Wednesday, April 17th- Thursday, April 18th- Friday, April 19th- Saturday, April 20th- Sunday, April 21st-

DFers, Please do your best to keep image files in the blogs only. As we have time, staff will be removing images in posts. As always, thank you so much for being a part of DF! 20YearsandCounting

DFers, Please do your best to keep image files in the blogs only. As we have time, staff will be removing images in posts. As always, thank you so much for being a part of DF! 20YearsandCounting

In one of my blog entries a few days ago, I referred to being a stoic. I never knew that about myself until I stumbled across the definition. It's not really something I've deliberately chosen. It's more of an outgrowth of who I am, if that makes sense. I've asked one or two atheists here how they came to atheism, and I got pretty much that answer for one or two of them - it was not so much a deliberate decision, but a result of them being them. So for me, stoicism is more of a character trait than a belief system I adhere to. I'm not sure if you appreciate the difference. I can see how stoicism could be difficult if it's not natural to who you are. I was just going over websites about stoicism so I could give you an independent definition, and I ran across this. I'll leave a link here, and below I'll go through some of the 9 points it makes. I was astonished just now at how many of these are a part of who I am, and have been a part of who I am since I was a teenager. I particularly like one bit: ' Stoicism differs from most existing schools in one important sense: its purpose is practical application. It is not a purely intellectual enterprise.' https://dailystoic.com/what-is-stoicism-a-definition-3-stoic-exercises-to-get-you-started/ 1. Practice misfortune: every once in a while, put on your worst clothes, ditch your tech, and basically 'live the nightmare'. Bring yourself face to face with the want and need you are afraid of experiencing. Confront your fears. 2. Train perception to avoid good and bad: Marcus Aurelius has a great quote that has been an expression of my way of thought for decades- 'Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact; everything we see is perspective, not the truth.' Challenge your notions of 'good' and 'bad'. When you encounter something painful or frustrating, use it to learn about yourself and look at how you can improve yourself. 3. Remember, it's all ephemeral: Kansas has a great song about this topic that has always brought me a lot of peace- 'Dust in the Wind'; Look up the lyrics - I can't pick out just one verse, it's all great, and it's all directly related to this thought. This will all pass away, and what we are so afraid of or passionate about will not last. Stay in the now, do the right thing right now. 4. Take the view from above: remember that everyone has their own life that is just as real to them as yours is to you - they also have fears and struggles. Remember how insignificant we are as individuals in the larger universe. 5. Memento Mori: Meditate on your own mortality: This one tends to come naturally with depression; looking the Grim Reaper in the face can be fear inducing for some - for others, it is a reminder that 'this too shall pass'. The stoic view of this is to live life to the fullest, but I tend to miss that part; I tend to view life as a punishment I must endure. 6. Is this within my control: Know what you do and do not have control over - release what you do not control, do not let it overtake you. 7. Journal: blog, diary entries - expressing your thoughts will be hard at first, but make it a habit and it will help to have that time of expression, and help you see weak spots and places where you have grown. 8. Practice negative visualization: come to terms with your fears; don't let them be nebulous and take up energy - let your mind go to the worst scenario and accept that and figure out how you will deal with it. 9. Amor Fati: Love everything that happens: embrace each moment, each experience, even the painful ones. The painful ones teach you the most, though they are admittedly the hardest lessons. Like anyone, I often struggle with this, but it is inimical to who I am to struggle to embrace all the experiences of my life. Instead of rejecting the pain, ask what it has to teach me; many times this is the only way I can find to move forward.

nojoy, Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. They are screenshots from an app. In Google Play it's called 'Moodpath-Depression & Anxiety Test'. I have an android, not sure what phone you have or if it will be compatible. It's been very helpful to me, I'd really recommend downloading it (it's free) if you can. It's even got an insights section that tracks your entries, that might be helpful to show your therapist.