20YearsandCounting

I am so sorry, Depressedgurl007. The problems with content posting are not limited to you. They are the result of a mandatory site upgrade some times back that has caused a glitch. The glitch catches any content including links, files, or images and puts it in a manual approval queue for staff to approve by hand. I am so sorry this is causing you problems! It has been like this for quite some time, and has caused others problems, too. We are working on solving the problem, but in the meantime it might just take some extra patience. I try to make checking that manual approval queue a priority, but I cannot always make it over to DF every day.

I am sorry for my late reply, toughfighter. It sounds like you have quite a lot to struggle with. Please don't hurt yourself. How have you been doing since your post?

Welcome to DF, Vic97. I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I am glad you made your way here to DF, though. I hope you will find stories here that give you hope and encouragement. I know there are many that can probably relate to what you are going through. You are definitely not alone!

Sorry for the delay in replying, manic. I have heard of 'double depression' - depression on top of depression caused by medical condition. It sounds like you are really struggling right now. I am so sorry about the loss of your wife. How have you been coping?

Wed, Sept 11th 640am, 72F, .54miles/9 mins, hr 144 Thu, Sept 12th skipped so far (a.m.) Fri, Sept 13th 630am, 68F, .54miles/9 mins, hr 160 Sat, Sept 14th Sun, Sept 15th Mon, Sept 16th Tue, Sept 17th Sept. 11th - my old family doc retired and I saw my new doc - a Physician's Assistant. She started me on a really low dosage of Effexor XR. I tried that yesterday after work. It didn't key me up, but I did miss my nightly dose of atarax, which made it impossible to sleep. So I am skipping today's dose of effexor and taking in the morning. I think I may have to stagger my dosages of atarax and effexor. Sep 13th - staggering my atarax and effexor. I take my 'first' dose at about 1000, since I take my atarax about 730 or 800. I don't take my atarax again until about 1230 or so. So we'll see how it goes.

Sorry for dropping the ball with this walking thing - I've been struggling quite a lot internally lately. Wed Sept 4th @700am - .54miles/10 minutes - nice and cool, about 68F, hr 136 Thu Sept 5th @700am - .26 miles/5 minutes - 69F, hr 148 Fri Sept 6th @710am - .54 miles/9 minutes - 68F, hr 160 Sat Sept 7th @710am - .54 miles/9 minutes- 69F, hr 144 Sun Sept 8th missed 😕 Mon Sept 9th missed 😕 Tue Sept 10th @640am - .54 miles/10 minutes - 79F, hr 156

Let us know what you did today... anything at all... sometimes just getting started on anything is a battle in itself! Here are the last couple replies to get you started...

So how has your day been? Give us one word that pretty much sums it up.... Here are a few replies to get you started...

I hear you. It's so hard to get started again when I miss - because that nasty little voice in my head keeps reminding me how nothing is good enough. It seems like so much of the time, the effort it takes for me to overcome that little voice makes whatever I manage to do a 'net neutral', instead of the positive it should be.

Slowly starting to get back to things. I'm really struggling right now with some issues, and trying to work up the courage to schedule myself for a new psychologist and psychiatrist. It just never seem to happen. And I am realizing certain things/issues are/have been a hindrance in my life. I am/have been approaching a choice/change, and I need to decide what I want to do. That is difficult when I struggle with what I am struggling with. I have had two choices (work related) before me for some time now, but it has taken me this long to realize it. One choice, I can stay where I am and advance - I might have to fight for it, I don't know. It might not even be an option for me to advance. I have no idea. Where I am right now is toxic for me, though. It has taken me years - and having a fairly 'normal' coworker to observe the last few years - to realize how toxic my situation has been, the toxins I have been stewing in for nearly a decade and a half. A small part of me would like to advance, but most of me is too shriveled and poisoned by the years of toxicity to believe I am capable of it. The other choice is to change my environment - find another job. This is not as easy as it sounds, though. I have no real skills, and jobs that pay over minimum wage are hard to find. And I am the only one paying the bills right now. And there is no telling how that change would affect our medical coverage. Mine is through work, and hubby's is through something else, but it is still affected by my income. If we were to lose medical coverage on top of losing income, it would be literally lethal for him. It would take nearly as much courage to step away from my job as it would to step forward and advance - hence my dilemma.

You all have my apologies for my inconsistency and struggle the last couple weeks or so.... I feel like I let you guys down when I cannot get out and walk. Sometimes it's all I can do just to wake up and breathe, you know? Wed Aug 28th - .54 miles/9 minutes - hr 144 taken near end; 700am, @72F Thu Aug 29th - .54 miles/9 minutes - hr 148 taken near end; 630am, @74F Fri Aug 30 missed - rainy before & after work Sat Aug 31 - missed - rainy, car show made things too crowded for gym Sun Sep 1 .10mile, no time - went to a local festival about 1000, walked around some, held the grandbaby; overheated & nearly passed out. Mon Sep 2 not morning - still have not really recovered; not evening, either, too hot both outside and in gym Tue Sep 3 missed again.... Aug 30th I may have to go into the gym after work today - lots of thunder and lightning, some rain.... We will see... Sep 2nd Hubby stayed home while the youngest and I went to a local festival about 1000am, in a town about 15 minutes drive from here - temps about 81F, low humidity; after about 45 minutes I had trouble breathing and felt too hot, not sweating at all, so I sat down in the shade. The youngest noticed I was struggling and suggested I go cool off in the car. I should have right then. Instead I went to sit down in the shade thinking that would help. And everyone left me! I don't know how long I sat there in the shade, leaned over and doing deep breathing trying not to pass out - I got up enough strength to make it across the little park to the fire department, hoping the firemen could help me, but no one was there. I only parked about a block from the fire department, so I made my way back to the car, doing deep breathing and hoping I didn't pass out in the street. Still no one texted or wondered about me! They just went on to other festival sights! No one asked about me! I thought maybe my oldest would at least pass the phone to the youngest and have her text me how I'm doing, but no.... the youngest doesn't have phone minutes anymore because I cannot afford them, so if she does not have a wifi connection, she cannot message me. Granted my oldest had her hands full with two little ones, but her husband and mother in law were there, too, so she could have at least passed the phone over to the youngest. It really hurts me that not once did they wonder about me. So I got out of to the car, and fumbled my keys out of my purse - my hands were shaking really badly at that point - and sat in the car with the ac on for a bit. Finally after I had cooled off a minute I texted them to let them know what happened. By the time I looked in the mirror, my face was mottled red and pale, like someone put dabs of red on my face. It was weird. My hands were shaking so bad the text was barely legible, which should have been alarming and should have caused questions, because I don't misspell when I text! (one of my parents was an English teacher...) Still no questions, just 'okay' as a reply. I drove by where they were - a relative's house - and sat on the porch and talked for a few before getting home. I got home and laid down for close to two hours with the ac blasting... the rest of the day I had trouble being too cold. Even this morning, I came close to overheating in the shower, and it only took 10 minutes max, not that hot even. I still feel woozy when I get up from sititng down. Anyway, that's my sorry little saga....