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Niobe

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About Niobe

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 03/30/1955

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Southern US
  • Interests
    mental health, cats, animal welfare, history, cats, theology, reading, writing, cats, true crime, genealogy, cats, unsolved mysteries, forteana, cats, archaeology, good movies on DVD, watching my moods swing, cats, basking in self-pity, trying to set a world record for laziness (I think I might just do it too!) and, uh...did I mention cats?!

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  1. Sometimes one or both parents are to blame, but not in my case. I think mine is due to the incessant bullying I endured for years in school, which totally destroyed my self-esteem. But I do think abuse--no matter what kind or who inflicts it on us--is at the root of a lot of borderline problems, because we're left hating ourselves.
  2. Lonelyforeigner, I think you just agreed with every single word I said. And how can you say in one breath that drs believe ppl with BPD are sick, AND we're just "manipulative a**holes"??? They definitely don't say that about ppl with real mental illnesses--like Bipolar Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Schizophrenia etc. People with those diagnoses truly are sick--seriously sick. But as you say, we borderlines are just manipulative a**holes--no one says that about anyone with a serious mental illness. (Like I said--drs and nurses said things in front of me they would never say to a patient's face.) If you have episodes of really severe depression, then obviously you have "Double Depression"--Dysthymia with bouts of Major Depressive Disorder, which is a genuine, serious mental illness. Comparing Dysthymia with MDD is like comparing life-threatening TB with a minor common cold just because they both can trigger coughing fits. It does NOT make them remotely the same. TB is a very serious illness--the common cold is just a minor (and brief) irritation. Same with Major Depressive Disorder and Dysthymia.
  3. I have both dx's, and I don't know which I hate more. Dysthymia is dismissed as "mild, chronic depression". It is NOT always "mild" (they sound like it's soothing or something!!). If that were all, I could handle it. You can handle anything for a little while. But they seem to forget the "chronic" part. I've been depressed for decades and trying to deal with this wretched "mild depression" has exhausted my ability to cope. I never get a break, it's day in and day out and I don't think I can take much more, "MILD" or not. Not to mention the wreck it's made of my life--no friends, becoming a hermit, no hobbies or interests in anything. If it isn't Major Depression--or better yet, Bipolar Disorder--psychiatrists and therapists treat it like a minor cold: "Oh, stop whining! Some people have real illnesses!" Thanks, Doc, now I feel so much better! Then we have good old Borderline PD. I can tell you for a fact that drs hate borderline patients. I know we're not "easy", but they treat us like we have bubonic plague. (I know--not only was I in therapy for decades, I majored in psychology In college and came thisclose to getting a Master's Degree--I finished all my coursework and passed all my written tests except for that damned statistics, which is an invention of the devil. I saw and heard a lot of what psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc think of us and if you think you felt persecuted by most of them...you're right.) Most of them will do anything to avoid dealing with borderlines. They don't think we're "sick"--basically they think we're evil and definitely not worth the trouble. In other words, we deserve to suffer. My life is an utter disaster, but do I at least have the "excuse" of having a genuine illness? Well, no, of course not--I'm just weak, self-pitying, dangerous and manipulative. I AM FED UP WITH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  4. I'm on the wrong planet.

  5. Sorry for the double post--forgot to add that I'm stupid.
  6. 3 hours ago, CoolCat7 said: Oh, sweetie - evil people never think they are evil. Do you want to share why you believe this? Hugs to you. Thank you for the kind words, CoolCat (I love cats too)! I've felt this way since I was a child--like I can fool people into thinking I'm a good kind person but inside I know I'm not. I feel rotten to the core, like there's no hope for me. It's like carrying around an incurable disease. In addition to depression I have Borderline PD and I have wrecked the lives of everyone I've ever known--esp. my parents. You wouldn't believe how unbelievably horrible and cruel I can be. If that isn't evil, I don't know what is. The world would be so much better off without me. I should have never been born. There are already enough evil people in the world, it doesn't need another one. I am hateful, twisted, and a total burden--a waste of space only worse, because I destroy lives. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!
  7. Thank you for the kind words, CoolCat (I love cats too)! I've felt this way since I was a child--like I can fool people into thinking I'm a good kind person but inside I know I'm not. I feel rotten to the core, like there's no hope for me. It's like carrying around an incurable disease. In addition to depression I have Borderline PD and I have wrecked the lives of everyone I've ever known--esp. my parents. You wouldn't believe how unbelievably horrible and cruel I can be. If that isn't evil, I don't know what is. The world would be so much better off without me. I should have never been born. There are already enough evil people in the world, it doesn't need another one. I am hateful, twisted, and a total burden--a waste of space only worse, because I destroy lives. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!
  8. My mom just turned 90 and she's cracking up--because of me. I can't take this anymore. I've ruined not only my own life (if you can call this a life) and I've also ruined hers. I'm evil. I destroy everything I come near. I should NEVER have been born, I don't belong in this world. I know I'm going to hell and I deserve it. I'm not fit to live anymore. I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYONE CAN IMAGINE!
  9. I read "Get Me Out of Here" and I loved it too--great book! I suppose you've also read "Girl, Interrupted"?? (And/or seen the movie based on the book.) Both book and movie are fantastic--I felt like I was reading the story of my own life!
  10. I can relate to this. Once when driving to my psychiatrist's office I was convinced that a white car was following me--by the time I got to his office I was a nervous wreck. How do I feel? I have two different answers and I don't know which to choose, so I'll just say both: (1) like a squashed bug lying on a burning sidewalk (and constantly getting stepped on) and (2) invisible
  11. Niobe

    ECT???

    My most recent diagnoses are Dysthymia and Borderline Personality Disorder (yeah, I've had more dx's than I can count). I've tried everything--therapy, meds, exercise, hobbies, music--and I feel worse all the time. I am not in therapy now because it never did me any good. My family dr has me on Prozac which worked years ago but never has since. But the last time I saw my most recent psychiatrist, he mentioned the possibility of trying electroconvulsive therapy--I never heard of it being used for Dysthymia, only Major Depression. But now I feel so hopeless I'm willing to try anything, even if it fries whatever brain I have left. So to my question: Has anyone here had ECT for Dysthymia? If so, did it help?? I am desperate!!!!! :-(
  12. When I first began school at the age of 6 (in a new town), I was accepted immediately. I had loads of friends, my teachers liked me, I had loving parents--basically anything a little girl could wish for. Things went very well for some time. I was popular (without trying to be, just being myself), I made good grades and had lots of playmates who genuinely seemed to like me. I even met a girl that first day in my new 1st grade (I'll call her "Nina") who almost instantly became my "best friend"--we were like sisters, so close that our teachers nicknamed us "the twins" because we were inseparable. Then--seemingly overnight--everything changed. Nina and I suddenly were social outcasts--mainly by the other girls but by some boys too. We had just a small group of friends, mostly those like us who just didn't "fit in". Both Nina and I gained some weight (not much!!) and were poor at sports, so we were teased constantly about being "fat" and "klutzy". We were no longer invited to birthday parties or anything involving our former friends and were generally treated as pariahs. NO ONE came to our defense. No one said a word when we were being called names or left out--not even by the few people who still seemed to like us. The teachers paid no attention at all. To make things worse, when I would come home crying after yet another bout of bullying, my well-meaning but clueless father trotted out the old clichés like "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't recall ever being physically attacked, but I honestly think that would have been easier to take than the verbal and emotional abuse. (At least bruises would have been some kind of proof!) My parents also gave me very bad advice: "Ignore them and they'll stop" (I did pretend not to notice and they kept right on bullying me--they never saw me cry) and they forbade me to retaliate in any way. I regret that to this day: if I had ever punched out the ringleader I truly think they would have backed off. They might still have disliked me but I am utterly convinced they would have thought twice about the overt bullying. I wish I had fought back (physically)--I don't care what the consequences would have been, they deserved it !!! (And like all bullies, deep down they were cowards.) I just didn't care. Being suspended or even expelled from school would have suited me just fine! (My friend Nina wasn't as tough as I was--they did see her cry, in spite of my telling her not to, so they were even meaner to her.) The older we got, the worse it got. The boys pretty much ignored us (not fun for teenage girls) but the girls were relentless. I became so self-conscious that when walking down the hall at school I was very careful not to let even my sleeve brush against another student's--I wasn't afraid of "retaliation" but by then I was convinced I was like Typhoid Mary: whatever thing was so horribly wrong with me might brush off on anyone I touched. Why I wanted to "protect" them is beyond me, but that's how I felt--like I carried some terrible disease I could spread by the slightest touch. Then when I was about 17 I noticed I wasn't seeing much of Nina, which was odd. I told another friend, laughingly, "It's almost like she's avoiding me!" The other friend's face changed and I knew something was up: she finally admitted that Nina had told her she was tired of me "always hanging around" and that if it weren't for me, she (Nina) would be popular. I was thunderstruck. I only remembered years later that one day the bully-girls had cornered me in the gym and said, "You know, we like you, it's Nina we don't want. If you dropped her as a friend, you could become part of OUR group!" I saw thru their trick (divide and conquer) and I told them exactly where they could stick that "offer". It took me years to realize that after that they had gone to Nina and made her the same offer--and she was so desperate to be "accepted" by them, she was willing to kick me to the curb. It was very soon after that I dropped out of high school--I couldn't take any more, esp. after Nina betrayed me--and I went into therapy. My 2nd therapist put me on a psych ward (involuntarily!) when I was 17. (My dx at the time was OCD but I know I had depression even then.) Nina visited me a few times, which made me happy--I thought we were friends again! (The truth is, she was feeling guilty.) Not long after I left the hospital, Nina cut off all contact with me--both of us are now 62 years old and have not seen or spoken to each other since our late teens. I wanted to be her friend again (even after all she had done!) but she'll have nothing whatever to do with me. I felt utterly betrayed and YES IT STILL HURTS!!! I've never really trusted anyone since then. I have no real friends. If your years-long best friend can do that to you, it just doesn't seem worth it. (Not that ppl are begging to befriend me anyway!) Neither Nina nor I could ever figure out why we went from being "popular" to being victims of years of bullying. (Yes, we discussed it a lot in private--and cried buckets of tears altho we were angry too!) She's moved on with her life--I can't say the same. Those bullying girls taught me to hate myself and being betrayed by Nina pretty well finished me off. I have ZERO self-esteem left, despite years of therapy and every med on the market. Bullying ruined my life. Sorry for such a long post but this has tormented me for so long I just had to share it with someone. Thank you to anyone who managed to slog their way thru my autobiography!!
  13. If I don't brush my teeth within the next 10 minutes--give or take a couple of minutes--they will all fall out and won't I look UTTERLY charming then! :Coopyahoo:I've only been putting it off for about 8 or 9 hours. And of course I'm not lazy--I just do things at my own (snail-like) pace, lol.

  14. Oh, Fatina! I wish I could give you a big hug and let you know how amazing you are! Yes, you're young so you still have plenty of time to live, to get (happily!) married and have a family if that's your dream, really to do anything you want. I do understand, tho, that living in such a conservative country, where women are not allowed the freedom that men have, must be incredibly frustrating for any woman. And you aren't just "any woman"--it's clear that you are exceptionally bright (just think of your grades!!) and anyone as intelligent as you are would naturally be incredibly bored just sitting around watching TV and not be allowed the freedom to do what you want--or even go anywhere without your father or another relative! I would be as frustrated and angry as you are--it's a totally normal and natural way to feel! Are you still looking for a job? I understand it's difficult for you, not just as a woman but also not having citizenship papers--but still you are very intelligent and would make an excellent employee, so I find it hard to believe that NO ONE would be willing to give you a chance! Meanwhile, you have access to the Internet--would you be interested in writing some kind of blog? It could be about anything that interests you--something that interests you would certainly be interesting to other people! It would give you something to do besides watch TV and you'd meet people that way--not in person probably but at least you'd have people to share your interests and perhaps your thoughts and dreams. Maybe you would feel a lot less alone then?? At least it would be a start! And don't forget--you have us !!! You sound like a very strong, imaginative, creative and courageous young woman--be PROUD to be Fatina, there's only one of you in the entire universe and I for one am happy to get the chance to meet you! Sending you lots of warm hugs!!!!
  15. First of all--a very warm welcome to you, MasterYocheese! As you probably know, like you, all of us on this site suffer from some kind of mental health/emotional issue--meaning we too are patients. We don't have the medical qualifications to diagnose anyone, not even ourselves! I don't say that to discourage you, just to let you know that we can't say, "Oh, here's your diagnosis!" In order to get a legitimate diagnosis, you'd need to see a professional--that would usually mean either a psychiatrist (who will be a medical doctor specializing in emotional/mental problems) or a psychologist (a person with either a Master's degree or a doctorate--usually a Ph.D.--in psychology, who is trained in basically the same areas as a psychiatrist). Psychiatrists and psychologists have many years of training in order to treat patients and one of the things they're trained to do is to interview patients, ask questions, possibly run some medical tests (usually done by psychiatrists since they're also medical doctors)--this is to rule out some other disease that may be mimicking an emotional problem--in order to arrive at a correct diagnosis. It really isn't as complicated (or as scary!) as it sounds! A lot of these professionals have had so much experience, even after talking with you and observing you they'll probably have a pretty good idea of the kind of problem you're dealing with. Of course, they're also trained in dealing with whatever diagnosis they decide "fits" you best--it could be therapy, or medication, or maybe both. (Usually only M.D.'s--psychiatrists--can prescribe medications.) Well--after saying all that, it does sound like you might be suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder. There are quite a few anxiety disorders and none of them are identical, but they all have one thing in common: anxiety! (I can totally sympathize with you--I have had anxiety disorders for years and I know how disturbing they can be!) The symptoms you describe--being on edge all the time, having trouble focusing, sleep problems, worrying a lot, fear, having a lot of stress--yes, I have all of them and I know how hard they are to cope with. The good news--if, in fact, you are dealing with an anxiety disorder--is that these disorders can be treated. You can get better with the proper treatment! The fact that you're young--16--is actually in your favor. It's much easier for young people to change than it is for older people! And let me assure you--it is NEVER "weird" to have an anxiety disorder (in fact it's surprisingly common) and you are absolutely not alone!!! Just look around this site and you'll see how many people right here have anxiety disorders! I am very, very sorry to hear about your family. It's clear they just don't understand what you're going through, and that is really sad. You really do need their support (or someone's support, preferably from the people closest to you!) and you most certainly are NOT stupid!!! Maybe you could find some pamphlets or books about anxiety disorders for them to read? That might help them to understand that this is a real disorder and that you need treatment, not criticism! I hope some other people here will have good suggestions for you--I bet they will! Meanwhile, I am so glad you found us, and please read over our site--especially the ones dealing with anxiety. You'll be surprised to find so many people who know just how you feel! Honestly, you do NOT have to continue suffering like this--there are plenty of very effective treatments that can offer you great relief. There are things you can try yourself, like relaxation techniques, listening to soothing music or other sounds, taking a walk in a peaceful place for a few examples. So please--hang in there, your life is just beginning and it can become much happier! Good luck and please stay in touch--let us know how you're doing! We care!!
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