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IandI

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Everything posted by IandI

  1. And if I only could have figured that out so much sooner. But I remember it to the day when I as a lonely college freshman gushed to my mother about how sad and lonely I was being so many miles away. I believe really my only purpose for going to a school so far away was to get away from the saddness and chaos of my home life. I thought if I pushed my self to be out on my own I would just renew myself and find all the right friends, make all the great choices and I could be this completely different person who didn't carry all the emotional baggage of social anxiety and depression. But I realized that like the old saying goes "Everywhere you go, there you are". I tried my best to get out there I had myself signing up for group after group to make myself get out there and make friends and become a scholar. But when i'd go my social anxiety would get the best of me and i'd drop extracurricular groups like flies. My feelings of inferiority didn't subside by simply going away to college and I was ready to just crawl into my introverted shell and go home. I did however have some very special people put in my life at the time and I was able to have some happy times, I won't deny that but there was just an emptiness in me and I just started to withdraw. While I was talking to my mother one day about my problems being shy and sad she suggested "You know, sometimes having a man to love can make a world of difference". And it stuck, I as a boyfriendless virgin had to sit around and hear countless stories from dormmates about their sexual experiences and the fun they have with xyz guy they met. It would make me feel so childish and out of place because I had never even kissed a guy. So I met a guy through a friend of mine. I was so entralled by his badness that I overlooked how terribly he treated me, he'd stand me up all the time and when he did see me he'd spend money on me buying me things only to not talk to me for days at a time. I wouldn't say I was in love with him but I was just excited to have someone to talk about. Being with a man kept me from being totally lonely even though I felt very unhappy. I clung to that boy as much as I could until he just showed absolutely no more interest in me. Immediately after I met a man who was close to 30 and I was barely 19. He showed me the same inconsiderate behavior as the other guy but I still hadn't learned any lesson because quite frankly I had never seen a loving relationship in my life. My mother and father did not like being married and others in my family had abusive or distant marriages. So I once again clung to him, I became like a herion addict to a drug dealer. I needed him so bad, I needed someone to fill that saddness in me and I would do any and everything for him just to have someone love me. I abandoned myself in him literally. By the second half of my freshman year I barely was at the dorm, I was at his house at his every whim and he even gave me a shabby marriage proposal with no ring in sight and I accepted because I was so low in self esteem and naive. I had never had any type of innocent happy first love, just unhealthy co-dependence. by the time sophmore year had come around I had lost myself in him so completely that I abandoned all my friends and avoided people who wanted to be my friend because it would mean that I wouldn't be there for his every call, and the less he contacted me, the more I needed him. I was pretty pitiful that year because losing my virginity to him also gave me pre-cervical cancer and other sexual disease. He acted concerned but he knew what he had the whole time and it showed that his concern seemed more like guilt. Thank god it was nothing that killed me but the shame and health problems I went through send me through an emotional spiral. I was failing in school and because i had lost my housing bid for junior year because i wanted to live with him i ended up staying home junior year and I'm grateful for it because it atleast got my mind away from him for a while I was with my family and things were more peaceful again. I felt like I had something to prove to everyone so i went back to school to finish. And not even a week went by before i was seeing him again and he was treating me miserably. Then I found another guy and this situation was even worse, but my need to not be lonely was too much so i put up with him pushing me into sex and going along with everything he wanted because i was too passive to speak up for myself. And I can even go on with more situations like this. I've come to realize the hard way the meaning of the cliche " you first have to love yourself" and I'm trying to get there. Suffering from depression and social anxiety has given me a feeling of inferiority and emptiness and no one person can replace those feelings but me. I belive that I ended up staying in unhealthy relationships because I didn't think I really deserved more. I felt like I had to prove that I was deserving of love and that I could be perfect and turn them around and they would be so grateful that they'd be the man that would make me happy for life and I wouldn't need anyone but him. I forgot about myself and what I wanted for my life. I feel ashamed of the time I wasted in my life trying to have a man solve my deep problems. But after all those futile efforts I'm all alone and I have no friends and nobody to love. Its really hard to deal with it and I hate to think about how I ruined my whole college experience trying to fall in love. So the other day I was talking with my mother about not feeling so depressed and as soon as she brought up having a man I thought "No, sometimes having a man is NOT what you need at all"
  2. I don't know if this is the right sub forum but , For the past two months I have had constant terrible migraines every single day. It is making my depression worse because not only do I feel mentally low but now i'm trying to manage constant pain and i just feel like crying because i don't know what to do. Does anyone else have migraines and how do you manage?
  3. For me I'll say it is a struggle to feel good each day and my emotions seem to rollercoaster throughout the day to big extremes which is kind of hard on me. Today was a mix, i'm getting excited because i got a job offer the other day and an interview for another scheduled in a few weeks. i'm happy but at the same time sad and too nervous because i'm scared of my dissapointments from before. I'm trying to stay positive as the day winds down today. i think i have a good head on my shoulders
  4. I notice when I took paxil my nose would be bleeding in the morning. I switched to Lexapro and the same thing happened. Does this happen to anyone else?
  5. for me its just when i spend too much time alone
  6. i feel this way all the time. It seems like whenever i can manage to get out which is rare, when i have to return home i become very depressed. I think it's because my house is where i spend all my time dealing with my depression and when i come back to it i feel like it's right back to the same old thing. It's almost like when i have a good time it reminds me of how my life used to be which makes me even more depressed. Are you on any type of treatment for these feelings you are having? I have started effexor, it'ss been about 3 weeks now but no change, still waiting. Hope you feel better soon. Yes, I have been taking Lexapro but not consistently, I would really like to start seeing a psychiatrist. I think you two may be right it is kinda lonely at home and that's where i'm always stirring about my depression. Plus I think i have a feeling of inadequacy because of my social anxiety i feel like i should have said this or that or that i wasn't interesting enough. Maybe when it gets a little warmer around here i will try to take walks or find some way to distract myself but its so hard.
  7. I was just thinking today about how yesterday I was really bored and so I went and saw my cousins who I am very close to. We had a really good time laughing and having fun but as soon as I got home I felt extremely sad, like worse than I started and that always happens. And even though I may have a good time I usually end up avoid spending more time with them when they invite me to something. I don't know why this is, its like I try to put myself out there to forget about depression and social anxieties and I end up feeling very lonely. I talked to my mom about this and she told me something that really got me thinking she said it almost seems like I feel guilty for having a good time. Maybe she has a point but do any of you guys feel this way; feeling elated having a good time to immediate sadness afterwards?
  8. IandI

    Not Feeling So Well

    I'm glad to have someone to relate to. Congratulations on your marriage and I hope that you are blessed with as many children you desire. That 2 year message sounds scary but the more I read about fibroids the more I see that women have gone on years later past the 'deadline' to have healthy children, I really hope the best for you. I didn't know about beef but I have lately been trying to cut down on eating a lot of meat and other unhealthy foods, what we put in our bodies affects us so greatly and especially nowadays we really need to be careful i totally agree with you.
  9. Thanks for sharing this website, i'm printing the basic rules as we speak, this is one of the reasons i really love this forum because we all take the time to support each other find a way through this
  10. Its been 2 weeks since I've been home from my surgery, I stayed in the hospital for about 3 days, it was supposed to be for 2 but i got an infection in the hospital and so they monitored me for another night. The first 2 nights home was rough I couldn't sleep at all because of the pain and the infection. I finally called my doc and she prescribed some things that did help. Its really boring sitting at home all by myself all day long, i'm staying with my family which does help but they usually don't get home until pretty late and so i'm here alone most times. I've been feeling pretty bad because I kind of realize how alone I am, I don't have any friends to talk to and my cousin who i am pretty much close to hasn't kept in touch with me since I had the surgery. My ex-boyfriend has called ever so often to see how i'm doing, I think it's nice but the end of that relationship has gotten me down still and its kind of awkward talking to him sometimes. My 26th birtday is coming up and to be honest i'm not looking forward to it, one because I don't feel well and the removal of those fibroids makes me feel very emotional because my hormones are whacked, and second because deep down I feel like I should be doing more with my life because people have always had such high expectations of me and I see that I've been out of school 4 years and not in any type of stable career at all, I work in a factory right now for goodness sakes and unfortunately before I knew about the fibroids I changed to 3rd shift in a really hard department just so I could have time for my school schedule. Well I'm not even in school because of the surgery and now i'm stuck in this crappy job. I've had my thoughts on moving to Charlotte and try going back to being involved in social science research like I was doing as an intern in DC for a couple of years but I am starting to lose my confidence because it was 2 years since i've worked out of an office and i don't feel hireable(sp?). I really dread going back to my job and I hate the constant questions of "you went to school and you work here? Why?" that crap drives me crazy i'm not the only one with a degree working there but you'd think so. My birthday is nervewreaking because I think, what have I done? Well I don't think it was so bad because when i first got out of school i worked for a political campaign then a library, even went to Miami and worked they set me up in a cool hotel in south beach but it didn't work out because the internship sucked, then i floated around and landed a great research 3 month internship in dc, quit that to naively work at a library that turned out to be an endagerment to my life (literarly it was in the middle of a terrible slum). Then I got another internship with the coast guard and after that ended i came back home and ended up getting this job. So i guess that God has provided for me and I'm thankful for the experiences i've been able to have. Its just that i beat myself up so much for my mistakes in life, i'm constantly beratting myself for anything i 'could have' done and it makes me feel defeated at times. But I will say that I hope that 2008 will be filled with some good experiences for me, I will try to make an effort to not give up! And that is such a hard thing to do because application after application I feel so discouraged with myself and I feel like everything is passing me by. I want to try to focus myself on finding out a way to make myself more marketable. Maybe I will take this time at home to update myself on some software applications at the local community college. I will try to do it but i don't want to dissapoint myself.
  11. Yes i am seeing a specialist, I have a lot of confidence in her and she's very nice which makes things better. I appreciate everyones response, especially your post because it gives me a better perspective to hear it coming from someone who has been there caring for someone ill, I hope that all will be and is well for you.
  12. Thank you all. We work together and had been dating about 4 months before he left (2 1/2), I haven't met his family because they all live in Central America, but he introduced me to his sister by phone. As for his 'friends', they haven't been much of any because his best friend/roomate stole over $2000 from his account while he was gone and that has him depressed too! Before he left he was really sad about the sitaution and I tried to comfort him as much as possible. I thought a lot about what happened and tried to put myself in his shoes. I saw him at work and gave him a hug and told him that I couldn't imagine what he is going through right now and to please forgive me for not understanding because I was just shocked that he said it and wasn't thinking clearly, its just that I missed him sooo much and I prayed for him all the time and wanted to be there for him when he got back because it breaks my heart to see someone I love in so much misery. He wont even be able to see his father be buried because his FMLA ran out and $, which is why he came back. He told me that he was just feeling so bad the other day and I let him know that it was no pressure and that I will be there for him whenever if I can, I'm having some health problems with my breast and uterus and am under a lot of stress and physical pain so I guess we both just need some time to handle our own issues. I do still love him and I can tell that he does still love me and is just genuinely having the hardest time of his life right now.
  13. First of all my heart goes out to you, I know how tough it is trying to battle depression and get yourself on track while other things are going on. When I started taking Lexapro I too had problems concentrating and retaining information it made me very frustrating. For me I found that time and going on a lower dosage (breaking my 10mg to 5mg) really helped with those strange side effects from Lexapro, I think i was just taking more than I needed really even though I was prescribed to take 10mg. I've taken Celexa, Paxil and Lexapro and I swear that Lexapro was the only one that made me feel confused, forgetful and uncaring. It really takes a while for medications to start kicking in really and 1 week is not enough, sometimes I feel like when I start going back on meds after a hiatus I can feel even worse for a couple of weeks until my body gets used to it again. You are on the right track going to a psych taking your meds and going to school. I'm in the same boat and I know it can be a frustration but remember to have patience with yourself
  14. Right now i'm so upset. My bf who had been away in another country came back a few days ago. He was taking 24 hrs care of his father who is dying ill in what basically is a hospice for the past 3 months. I had hardly heard from him and he comes back and he just didn't seem the same. I understood that he was very depressed because of what is going on, when he first came back he seemed really happy to see me but then I noticed he wasn't very happy the next day. I tried to call him up yesterday to see how he was doing and he gave me the news that he didn't want to be with me and just wanted to be friends because he is so depressed and sad because of all that is going on and said he thinks he needs professional help. But then said we can still go out and spend time as friends . He just said he doesn't have the energy for a relationship or the 'feelings' to give.. so I guess that's it. I really thought I was there for him and wasn't expecting this. I've never been in his shoes so I don't know what to think all I know is that someone I love doesn't seem to love me anymore.
  15. I have been giving a lot of thought to the things that I have been going through and what it means to me. Before I was feeling so badly health wise I have been struggling with my mental health. I have felt so much darkness and depression because I simply did not feel like I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I am challenged with physical pain and a mountain of debt and no finances. And you know what? I feel stronger than ever now because I realize that I have the strength of my mind to work towards my own happiness and it is not easy at all. I do believe deeply and devoutly in God and all his glory for all of us. I believe God is perfect and has made us all for special reasons. I can't let the weight of the world get me down because faith says there is a way when everything else against you says "no". I had taken it upon myself to learn more about Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam) after hearing the most beautiful nasheed (religious song) called Mawlay. It was so inspiring to hear someone sing in such a way out of true devotion and love for God. I am so happy that God has given me a chance to be here on this earth and I regret not realizing my potential and the happiness I deserve in this world because I live through this cloud of depression. All my life I've heard my grandmother and mother talk about how you should 'look to God and live' and that you have to have faith in all that you do. I admit I always recited these things to myself but never truly allowed myself to feel the true spirit of God because I have had a mental and spiritual block to my soul and even before I would put my hands together to pray I already felt defeated in my heart and would not let God in the way he should be. But now I am actively reading into my own religion and other because its like this, all my life I've gone to church but have never actually taken the time to learn about what it is i am believing in. Embarrassingly enough I didn't even know until a few months ago about the trinity and what it meant, I always thought Jesus and God were 2 separate things. So I have a lot of questions and I am trying to find the answers for myself, I believe fully in God as the creator and judge of all but it is the form of the message that I need to find further understanding for. I feel much better mentally already just by actively reading the message of God delivered by the prophets. I hope that this will lead me to further understanding about myself and how to break free fully from this disease of doubt and sadness and be happy and fulfilled and successful though God.
  16. IandI

    Falling Deeper

    Thank you so much. I dearly appreciate your comments to my blog. I do have good news that my boss went ahead and let me do some lighter work anyways. I am very happy about that. I just have to remember to not get so defeated so quickly. Once again thank you for your comments and I am very happy to share with others who are overcoming depression.
  17. IandI

    Falling Deeper

    I can't say that I am not dissapointed about how this week has been going so far. I am really trying to be strong and not let myself get so depressed but I am just so overwhelmed at the moment. The thing is I am at the time working in an auto-parts factory. I took the job because i wanted to go back to school and in this small town, a factory job pays better than working at some little office, plus the hours were more accomodating to my school schedule which makes it hard to even work a 9-5. Well anyhow, I switched my assembly job to a 3rd shift position for the upcoming school year. The job I do now is so undesirable but I elected to do it because I really wanted to go to school and made the sacrifice. I signed paperwork and everything, but now I am stuck in this position and I can't even go to school because of my surgery is going to put me out for a while. My boss previously told me I'd be doing pretty light and easy work starting out. But come to find out on Sunday night when I came in that he wanted me to run a whole machine! I questioned him about this and he said that he indended for me to do something else but production is down so this was all that was left. I physically can barely do the job and had to take off yesterday. I pray I will be able to work well tonight. The HR office called me today to let me know that I don't qualify for any covered benefits and that I would be considered for 1st week 'absenteeism' and then temporary disability without leave, We are not supposed to have over 40 hours of abseentee, but i already have taken about 32 hours and with this additional week will be almost 80 so I may lose my job. I don't know how to pay my bills for these 2 months and my insurance is crappy and i'm having to pay a lot out of pocket. I even asked if I could do "light duty" for the time-being and was told that they would not be able to accomodate a request like that. Well, in some semi good news the dr's office called and told me that they would try to get me in for the 16th of January instead of mid Feb. I pray that I am able to get the surgery as soon as possible. But then I got more bad news. It seems that there is a mass in my left breast that will need to be further examined and focused on after the surgery. I didn't even know a woman my age (25) could have breast problems, but I won't get upset until I know exactly what is going on. I really am struggling emotionally and financially right now and I am leaning on faith to pull me through all of this.
  18. I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't take my pain pills today and opted to take my Lexapro. I really need it because the ending of the holidays are giving me the blues. I feel very anxious and overwhelmed with what is going on right now and I just feel like I don't know where to begin with getting everything financial and healthwise in order. This all just hit me so quickly and I don't know what to do. I have to get my medical insurance together and dealing with insurance is so frustrating, I never knew it would be this way, now I see why people complain about health care so much. My student loans, I cant even pay on them right now and I have to file a medically disabled form and get my doctor to sign and all. Since I wont even be able to have the surgery until Feb I'm having trouble paying anyways since I have to meet my huge deductible right now. One kinda good thing is that i can get the refund back for school to help pay for a few things so I guess that I atleast have that to look forward too. I think I have managed my pain okay today and I really didn't feel like I needed the pills too much. When I stop taking my meds abruptly i notice that I feel very paranoid and nervous about everything. Its like i'm totally fearful of things to come and don't feel like I deserve to take a break or enjoy myself. I was doing so well and then all of this happened and I am going through withdrawal to compound that but I feel like staying on Lexapro will really benefit me right now.
  19. I read this thread late but, I am glad that the ultrasound turned out to be something less seriously, but its really good that you are checking your breast regularly and inform your docs whenever you feel something. Good luck to your health
  20. Good to know i'm not alone like many people posted, it can be just downright hard to find the time and motivation to workout. i've really been slipping in this area, I used to be able to get out and workout all the time but now, i lay in bed and say 'okay i swear i'll do it tommorow 7am' and it never happens for me. I think the weather has makes it harder for me personally, I like to workout in the spring. In the winter its so cold i don't feel like going out to do anything. But I will try to find the time and motivation because it can only do me good
  21. Glad to know I'm not the only one. I've never really had it too bad until this year. Boy is it frustrating. Maybe once I get back into the groove of things I'll feel different, i hope.
  22. Thank you both for your comments. I think I will try the HTP and see how it works
  23. I don't know if any of you feel this way but now that the holidays are ending and its about time for me to go back to work I am feeling a lot of anxiety and i'm not even sure why, I've been feeling a bit down these past couple of days. Is there a such thing as post-holiday blues?
  24. I have currently been prescribed Norco (a pain reliever similar to Vicodin) and I cannot take Lexapro if I take Norco because it warns of dangerous sedation so I had to choose one over the other and i really need the pain pills bad. Aside from not taking Lexapro for the past week, my illness causes me to be very nauseated, tired and sluggish and very cranky because of the pain. Now it feels like those symptoms have trippled because i'm suddenly not taking my Lexapro anymore. I can't take any other meds with my pain medicine so does anyone know of any good natural home remedies or anything natural that has worked for them to get through the withdrawal?
  25. .....Well, all except for the Bears part. :tongue: But seriously. I found out today that I have 2 very large Uterine Fibroids. About 6-7 months ago I was laying down and I felt this little lump on my lower left abdomen. I thought it was nothing, maybe that my bladder was full or something. I paid it no mind and forgot about it. 1 month later I start gaining weight but only in my stomach I thought I was just getting fat so I started dieting like crazy only to end up gaining 20 pounds :sad: Then I started having to go to the bathroom like every 2 seconds seriously and it was driving me up the wall. Skip forward months later and i feel something like a brick in my stomach and feel it and that thing got huge!! So the other day I went to a OBGYN and today after taking a ton of test I find out I have 2 fibroids 10cm, each about the size of a baby's head!!!:ohmy: So my only option is to get an abdominal myomectomy. Fortunately it is nothing cancerous and at the age of 25 I would dread a hysterectomy. The down sides: Recovery time- I was told because of the type of procedure and the size of the tumors it is going to take me at least 6-8 weeks to recover. I feel really sad about this because after having a bad semester this year I bought a ton of educational DVD's to get me back on track because I had been out of school for a while and failed my pre-cal class because i just wasn't prepared. Now it feels like those late nights intensively studying for the upcoming semester was a waste of time. I was told by the doctor I can't go to school next semester and that's a big roadblock for me because i was raising my confidence level up by preparing very hard for school. I want to go to Podiatry school by 2009 and it seems that I will have to wait yet another year to fulfill my pre-requisites. Future Childbirth- I was also told by my doctor that if i plan on having children my best bet would be within 2 years and significantly decreasing thereafter. This is really depressing for me because i do not have the means to have a child right now. I wanted to at least be in Podiatry school and married by the time I have a child but I really don't know about my options now. I planned to be about 29 to 31 but now its a big cloud. My parents say I should look into some alternative options, but there is no way I can have my eggs frozen or pay for a surrogate. I wouldn't mind adopting as a last resort but I really want to have a child that comes from me, maybe it is selfish but it is the way that I feel but maybe it wasn't meant to be. :brokenheart:
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