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silverclaws

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About silverclaws

  • Birthday 11/03/1966

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  • Location
    midian
  • Interests
    Silversmithing,Jewellery making,custom knife making,chain maille making,digital art,digital photography,battle re-enactment and foraging.

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  1. Hi Silverclaws, I saw your post about your self-employment and wonder if you managed to get going on it? Am thinking of something similar myself when my current job contract ends.

    PS: I love your photos!

  2. I don't know what there is in the UK anymore as regards advice or help, because so much has been cut back through government cuts, but am going to have a look around on Monday. The insurance thing, well many in the uk and driving without insurance and that because of the stupidly high premiums, for it seems the premiums escalated after Britain adopted another country's attitude about suing people for the the sake of suing. But my last quotation was three times what my car is worth and if I have a bump, I have to pay
  3. I really thought I would never be back here, but here I am back on these forums again and that because after getting myself to such a positition that I can once again consider going out to work, I find the 'system' has thwarted my attempts. What it is, is although I have been described as virtually unemployable, my need to work has proferred the possibility of self employment, a situation where I do not need to satisfy an employer and with that avoid the seven or so reported applicants per advertised position in the UK job market. All was going well, I had located a work premises and got myself a car to get there, but I have run into a problem, a problem no one seems to be able to help with and that is in my desire to stay within the law of the land, I am finding I cannot afford car insurance, as being unemployed, the premiums are way too high, even more than my weekly benefit entitlement. The reasons the premiums are so high, is because I have not been insured for the last two years, so I have effectively lost 17+ years of NCB, the proof that I am a good insurance risk. The result is, I cannot get to my place of work so my dreams of using my skills to benefit me are finished, the system has stuffed me up and all that with a vicious government forcing long term sick back to work, them not thinking the laws they create actually hamper one's reintroduction into the work place, but there is little sympathy and so far no help. Now I have been trying to do this on my own without the 'help' of the jokecentre and that because of previous encounters with them, but on talking with my doctor he thinks it unwise to go back to work, as this thing is not going away, but he does not I feel understand my need to do something for myself to get away from the government threats and abuse and possibly enable self healing through the gaining of self respect by realising my value to society, not it's hindrance or scapegoat. But as I have been going through this get back to work idea, the past few months, I have been going through all sorts of emotions,positivity swinging to negativity and back again, a constant state of flux, but when I finally act in a momentary decision and get a car, I later find out I can't insure it, and that because of my status. So, now I wallow in extreme negativity, the depression is back with a vengeance and all I feel now is the desperate need to go and self medicate, get drunk and stay drunk, that way I can be what the government it seems wants me to be, the dregs of society whom it can abuse to shift the blame for ill thought out policies and prejudice. Before I go out and do something I might later regret, is there any real help for those trying to get back to work after long term mental illness ?
  4. Happy Birthday :)

  5. I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  6. Intelligent but lazy could do better, won't apply himself, needs to pull his finger out, bone idle etc etc etc . All words I remember being told from school end of year reports, some 30 to 37 years ago. The story of my life, for I know I could have done better, I know I did not apply myself and all because of laziness, I am lazy, at last I have come to that understanding, but with it I ask why, for this condition has been with me the whole of my life, and is the most prevalent part of me, I just have no get up and go and I procrastinate all the time. It seems as I actually enjoy being in my own little bubble of laziness, boring though it is at time, most of the time in fact, it seems I am content with it, but why I ask. So, with last years diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome via an educational psychologist, I am only now beginning to identify my ills and there question their source and treatment, I have come that far, At my college, I have the help of the learning disabilities department, and have my own tutor, skilled in teaching ASD people, but at some point, I am again going to have to go out into the world of work, but I have great fear of that, and it would be fair to say, I am scared to enter the work place. Why, I just do not know, but I am aware I am back peddling with my studies, in order to prolong them. The educational psychologist report was that I was in the top 3 % of the west's intelligence, and have an IQ in the top 30 %, I have some very useful natural skills. But when people say this to me, about this intelligence thing, what they don't know, is it means absolutely nothing to me as I am unable to use it, I don't know how and have never known how, hence the feeling and past reports that I could have done better, but didn't, for I did not know how to. I didn't, because I am lazy, I remember instances where I ducked out of things, I remember the , 'I can't be bothered' feelings. I remember them, because I have used that get out clause too many times. So, laziness, just what is it, and is there any real studies into it and what causes it. I am fed up with being lazy, but I do not know how to rid this life long malady. I have tried all the motivational stuff, followed all the self help stuff, but it all ends in the same, I do it for a bit, and then seem to forget and fall into the familiar pattern of laziness. Any suggestions out there ?
  7. Happy Birthday :)

  8. Yes, my thoughts exactly, maybe it is those who suffer depression are in reality let down by society, the depression being a result of that failure. Another thought might be because society and it's expectations are changing, those of us who fit an older ideal suddenly find ourselves becoming more and more out of place, the world and society does'nt fit anymore. Or, the other way around in the past the need was for largely manual labour, what place does intelligence have in a career of swinging a shovel, that coupled with lack of choice due to social status, I wonder if that has contributed to the world mental health.
  9. All my life from school, through college, through employment to now, my current situation of being in higher education, I have been crying out for help on something I knew was wrong, but I could not communicate the problem, or others could not understand me. I have been known in all my situations as an A1 difficult person, erratic, inconventional,untrusted, but excellent at my profession. School it was intelligent, but lazy, won't try etc, bullying, lonely. Now, it all makes perfect sense. Yesterday, because of similar comments to school at university, I accessed as a last emotive cry, the educational learning disability section of my university, before throwing in the towel yet again, the history of me, give up and move on, for the same to happen again and again. The learning disabilities professional immediately recognised something which made her arrange me an immediate appointment with an educational psychologist, I thought was about dyslexia, but turned out not to be. The apparent laziness and inability to learn has a reason, I suffer anxiety, my teeth are destroyed, I have TMJ, I get panic attacks and then fall into depression, the same pattern as always. I have irregular sleep and eating patterns, my eating bordering on anorexia, I punish myself. So, yesterday after exhaustive testing with every test the psychologist could muster, and some not in the usual pattern of things, he got up and asked to shake my hand, with the words that I should not put myself down, or let any other so called professional put me down, as I am highly intelligent with a reasoning ability he has never seen before in all his years of his profession. The tests revealed I am in the top three percent of intelligent people in national statistics, my IQ is in the top thirty percent and I am a good person to take on a pub quiz. however, my thought processing speed was below average, that being thought processes initiated by a teacher, I analyse their teaching, comparing it to my reasoning and either take it on board or reject it according to my thoughts. The bottom line, not all teachers have the ability to teach at the level I need. The other thing that was detected right from the start, something which was so subtle, but became more exaggerated as I relaxed into what I thought was friendly conversation, but was in fact structured and probing questioning with an aim. The result, another highly intelligent person I am in conversation with, sees me as a good and varied conversation partner, but a person of lower intelligence sees me as difficult and hard to converse with, often resulting in rejection, something I feel on a daily basis. What that thing was, was Autistic Spectrum Disorder, ASD, in my case mannifesting itself in the verbal and non verbal communication area. I am not mad, I am not lazy, I am not difficult, all the labels I have picked up through the years, none of them apply, it was just simply the perception of others who did not understand me, not forgetting that the sometimes ridiculed education system in the UK is not the best and is aimed at the so called 'normal' child, the majority. The majority being something I feel might very well change with the advancements and availability of what I went through yesterday. So, now I know, anxiety, depression, it is just a by product of lack of understanding, and from this I can move forward, and eventually, get of the citalopram, as it's side effects hinder me.
  10. Yes, perhaps I can offer some insight. I have the same problem, furthermore I am attending university to pursue a long held dream for a degree in higher education with obvious results, I cycle anxiety followed by depression on a regular basis. Yesterday I had an epithany, and now it all makes sense, I underwent exhaustive testing by an educational psychologist, with the result, that I have an autistic spectrum disorder, (ASD). ASD is recognised more and more in children and young adults, but adults now largely out of the education system are unrecognised. Get your guy to seek out testing for ASD, he may be pleasantly surprised and elated that what he has, that being social anxiety is really caused by ASD in the area of verbal and non verbal communication. Once recognised, training is available to teach communication on a level those with ASD can understand. For the sake of interest, my testing revealed I was in the top three percent of national statistics for reasoning and intelligence with an IQ in the top thirty percent, but thought processing speed below average, my area of difficulty, is social skills and the fact that myself being self taught in my occupational skills displays intelligence of a high level, but education by others is below the level that I need, so I get bored quickly and turn off. Dyslexia I thought, is not, it is just that what I read holds no interest because it is written for the majority (?), not the unrecognised minority (?) ASD, is really just a different way of thinking and it does have it's uses., there are many notable figures from history that have been identified as having an ASD, so not social stigma, but an enhancement, it just has to be recognised for a person to understand and work on the problem.
  11. Good for you if you find beauty in both sexes, it does not mean you have leanings in a way you might question, but you are guilty of being a human being and long may you be guilty. The art in nature, nature is art. Perhaps it is that societal conditioning of the past and some of the present has created these thoughts that if you see beauty in the same sex, then you are suspect of leaning another way. The purveyors of this type of thinking are the ones with the problem, perhaps their personal insecurity makes them the most vociferous.
  12. I am on 40mg of Citalopram, a dosage which to me feels about right as it does not inhibit what I don't want inhibiting, but inhibits stuff I really could do with out. Now it is sometimes I forget to take my dosage which is OK, because I know of the half life of the stuff, but do get anxious as to make sure I remember to take the correct dosage the next day. I have found that if my forgetfullness carries on and I forget to take the stuff two days in a row, nasty things rear their head, well not so much nasty, but stuff I don't want to deal with as it consumes everything I do. The best thing I have found with this medication is that it gives me peace, the first peace I have known from my thoughts in all my remembered life so far, the peace is such that it keeps me just on the edge of the things that plague my mind, but being on the edge, it is controllable and that is good Now, forgetting to take the meds, one day is ok, two days gets edgy after that the ball starts rolling and I am heading back into nut case mode , where I have massive euphoria, self belief, energy and ultra confidence, I am also very open minded. The belief in the self is such that I believe I do not need the meds and take myself off it, which is not good in hindsight as it seems all subdued tensions and emotions are released in a tsunami. I did this last back in May and I was off them for a month and I stopped the meds dead, 40mg down to nothing. Well it is suffice to say that that experience taught me a valuable lesson, the lesson being, these things are serious, don't forget them, but I still do, but the anxiety on the realisation does not take me beyond a day and the half life is there as a thankful safety net. But what has come to occur lately when thinking about these things, and this is my question, is that if one were to miss the medication past the half life, a day or two, maybe even three days but then the dose is again resumed, how long does it take to get the meds working again, is it instantaneous, or does it revert to a similar time scale like that of first coming on the meds ? I ask this, as not taking the stuff for longer than three days, I seem to experience the initial start up problems again, like stomach problems, dry mouth, loss of appetite , and various other things I have now come to recognise.
  13. Tetris in the arcade, I have been trying to get on with that game since I came to this forum, but I have just realised something about it. Tetris deals with pigeon holing squares, the very thing I am trying to get away from, pigeon holing things, the desire for everything to be in it's place, neat and tidy like, the thing I can never achieve in life and don't want to, because tidyness is insane. I tidy my house I cannot find anything and the tidyness drives me nuts and I just have to mess it up, only to become annoyed at the untidyness again and see untidyness as a failing in myself. I just cannot win, perhaps I should keep away from Tetris, but then it is addictive. Anyone offer any guidance ?
  14. I was staying with friends earlier this week, a non threatening happy household where I was made very welcome, but on Saturday morning I awoke to find myself in some disarray, not how I went to sleep. The following night, I actually woke up in a panic, I was feeling as though I needed the loo pdq, as sick I felt, I was also again in disarray, not how I went to sleep, and the feelings as, and I know this might sound daft, but the feeling was I had been anally raped and the loo was the obvious place to go. I calmed down,my breathing returned to normal, the pain went and I fell soundly asleep without any further problems and nothing since. Now what it was, I do not know, as this is the third time this has happened over the past couple of years, not something that horrifies me strangely, but just causes me to wonder. I confided in my friend, a woman with a very broad mind, she suggested what I had had was a panic attack in my sleep, as she had noticed the day before and that morning I was edgy and perhaps anxious as my conversation was not as cool as it normally is and I needed to go outside and smoke more, she thought something was up. So, I ask here those of you that have panic attacks in their sleep, has what I have said bared any resemblance to a night time panic attack or any ideas what it might be ? (To note, I did identify myself as pagan in the past, but I have for the sake of my self, ditched my beliefs in favour of just getting on with life in the best way I can without questions of things that might be or might not be . At those times I would have suspected something else, but realism is needed now, I need to believe in what is tangible, i.e., the here and now )
  15. Well, like I say, I am back, whether be that to stay or not, I don't know, but I have recently been thinking that this place is an understanding largely non judgmental place to come, especially now as the issues that hit me earlier in the year are still with me and not going away. The issues being that I have discovered I am possibly gay or at least bi, I am sexually attracted to men, but not so much women these days. Not that I am unhappy about the situation, in fact I am ok with it but wonder. I wonder if my interest has come about because I have no wish to explore a relationship with a woman because I am scared the relationship might get out of hand and lead elsewhere. I am ok with being a close friend with women, where we can help and confide in each other, but as soon as it gets beyond that, the lovey dovey stuff, I leg it. I recently got hugged by an upset female friend and I couldn't stand it, I felt like I was suffocating and just needed to get out of the situation and fast. I endured for the sake of my friend, but I did not like it. I told her later, how I felt and she said she had noticed me go rigid and try to pull away, which she found odd. The other thing is I have always been a tadge creative in my relationships, kinky some call it, I am into bdsm where with women I have taken a dominant role, but with men, my interest is submissive, a bottom I believe it is called. Since discovering this about myself, I believe the ills that plague my mind have lessened, I have become submissive in my day to day life, preferring the role of helper, teacher and confidante, the realisation has helped me, I am confident of that, but there remains the eternal problem, I will not, cannot make the move to physical contact with anyone, before it was female, now it is male, I am in the same situation I always was, stuck. I have tried to analyse what it is that I am scared of, but just cannot put my finger on it, except perhaps it is that I fear losing control, perhaps it is this why I have become submissive, perhaps I hope for someone else to make the moves, but that is not going to happen as I keep myself away from all possibilities of contact with either sex, my female friends are all married with family, I keep away from singles. And now, I am having questionable dreams at night, where I hurt when I wake, something I have been told is a panic attack. What to do. (p.s. I do apologise if my last post was a bit gruff, I seem to remember I left here in a grumble, but dare not look back at my postings )
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