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About dondi2538

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  • Birthday 10/14/1967

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  1. I don't blame you. This person is a young lady, maybe 25 years my junior. I've never said a rude thing to her, yet she has this really stinky attitude towards me. I guess some people are just like that.
  2. So I have been blogging multiple times a day on my other site. I dont have anything else to do. Well, i could be doing homework, and I did do a great deal of it today, but otherwise nothing. No one to talk to or do anything with. SO yesterday I went online and bought two maxi dresses, just casual ones. Why? Because I had nothing else to do. Here I am trying to get out of debt and I am creating more debt because I feel so crummy. People say, get out, go for a walk, go exercise. Go do something. Yeah, great ideas. Sometimes doing stuff alone only reinforces how lonely I am. Everyone else seems to be busy doing things, going places. Where is my life? Hello, life, where are you? You up and left me somewhere between the Air Force and the baby. What happened? In any case, I got dressed. I put on a maxi dress that I bought a few months ago and forgot, some nice clean socks, brought the dogs in because of rain, and now here I am. But inside I am mentally tired. Tired of faking it. Tired of feeling so empty all the time and trying to find the fullness of my life. Keep fighting, they say. Don't give up! You can beat this! Beat depression I think you can subdue it for awhile but you can only hold it to the mat for so long before it pops back up for a time.
  3. So I'm still working at Belk. I feel pretty alone there. I mean, there are a few people who I will talk to but for the most part I dont have any friends. heckle and Jeckle irk me most of the time, especially Jeckle. I mean, she thinks she is too good to even respond to a good morning. Forget her. Sometimes i will catch my reflection in a mirror as i am walking by and all i see is a fat, sweaty, very unhappy looking person. I hate the way I look. I never smile. I feel very sad today, very lonely. I go to this depression group on Tuesdays and its more like a class. The guy teaches us something and that's it. it's not a place where people share and then we give feedback. That's what I thought it would be, so right now i feel like I am wasting my time going all the way into the city and spending a whole day out for it. This is one of those days when I ask myself why. what is the point of any of this? I cannot see beyond my nose to anything hopeful. It's all grim and glum. I just dont know what i am going to do.
  4. dondi2538

    at a loss

    I can sympathize. I am currently at a loss as well. My friend says keep fighting, but why? I dont understand anymore, and I'm just tired now.
  5. first, this site confuses me now. it's not easy to get around anymore. I dont even see the login when i come to this page. Once it took me 30 minutes to find my blog and then figure out how to post. anyway, today has been a bleah day. i have a job now, part time. it's ok, just started. im lonely. i have no friends. there is no one to talk to. the ritalin has me up and down, sleepy and down. i hate it. i stopped being a christian. i admit it. i got tired of trying to figure out what it was all about. i got tired of seeing people i love suffer, and for all the help i could possible give them, it was still not enough. despite their faith it seems like their god has shut them out. hw long? i don't know. i figure any god who ignores the cries of his people cant be all that. or anything at all. i just dont know. life just is. god isnt guiding me here and there. god isnt blessing me and leaving those who are needier out. it just is what it is. my sister is desperate yet faithful. but god remains silent. i wont. ill help her. ill give her what i have and even what i don't. i wont turn my back on her. i dont know why her god did.
  6. Hi, I haven't posted on this site in a long time. Ive been taking ritalin for daytime sleepiness for a short time. I have sleep apnea, use a cpap machine, and take the ritalin to not feel fatigued during the day. I've noticed that since I started a month ago I have still been tired during the day and sometimes my mood drops significantly in the afternoon. I feel pretty low now. I wrote my doctor a message and tld him how I have been feeling as far as the fatigue goes, but not the depression. Im going to talk to him about that too. Im thinking of stopping the ritalin because I cant take this up and down and sleepiness anymore. it'snot doing anything. has anyone else here had a similar experience with ritalin?
  7. I started Latuda a little after Thanksgiving. Right now I feel so gummy. My appetite is nil. I have to force myself to eat the food required to take this. I'm not in a good place right now and it feels really bad. I wake up every night between 230 and 330. All I want to do is disappear. I hate the way I feel right now.
  8. Nothing has changed. Still in school. Sick of it. Peach graduated with honors and is about to start her second job. She has an apt too. David is working a regular job now. His wife babysits too. Brian was on again and now he is off again. Just stopped talking to me. Same with Ambi. I haven't been to the gym since last August. I am sad and lost and I wish it were over. Done. This is hell. Waking up feeling hopeless, empty, alone and lonely. I don't want to do anything. I just don't care anymore.
  9. It's Oct 2016. I'm still in school. I'm still very depressed and I still have no desire to do anything with my life. How pathetic.
  10. I feel lonely and sad. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
  11. My earliest memories of being depressed go back to age 7. I was shy and unhappy. What should a 7 year old be unhappy about? at the time it was school, being around people, my parents and their drinking, fighting, spanking us. By 16 I had my first suicide attempt. I don't think I have ever been just happy, not even when my daughter was born or on my wedding day. I'm better than I used to be but I still have a long way to go.
  12. I would like this to be read on October 14, 2015. Dear self, I am unemployed. I don't know how much more I can take of school. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I am almost 48. I feel sad, empty, so empty, and genuinely bummed. I do not care enough about my health to lose this weight. I just want to stay under the covers all the time. I don't care enough about anything to want to do anything.
  13. I feel bored. I also feel sad and tired of taking meds, having my sister living with me for this long, and numb. I'm not really interested in anything. There isn't anything I want to do at any particular time. If I could stay in bed all day, I would.
  14. Right now I hear a 21 gun salute for an officer who was killed in the movie "the Onion Field". I also hear the fan moving air around my room..
  15. Has anyone had geodon poop out on them? I have been taking 80mg since 2007 and I would say for the past 6 months I haven't been feeling it. I mean, it still dulls my emotions a little but one of the reasons I was prescribed it was to help me sleep. Now I find myself taking otc sleeping pills on top of the geodon just so I won't toss and turn all night. I know it is can be hard to come off it, but I am thinking of telling my psych (if she will listen to me) that despite the medication ( this also includes zoloft), I am very much in a funk. I don't see the point in taking anything if it is not working anymore. I don't even know if I would like an alternative. Maybe it's time to be done with the meds for good.
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