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About Lek

  • Birthday May 23

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  1. Hi, Ghost81: I'm pretty much with Worrier999. If you don't mind me being a bit blunt, it seems to me that you've not communicated your sexuality and your current issues with your wife. So, communicating now feels difficult, awkward, even scary. The bedrock of relationships must be communication. As we grow as people, our needs change and so our relationship must grow. This is true whether the issue is a new job, going back to college, or having sexual experience with another. It is a partnership. In all fairness to your wife, you need to discuss why the two of you aren't having sex. Has she withdrawn? Why? Have you been feeling less attracted to her? If so, she'll know and perhaps even feel unattractive. Or there may be other emotional or physiological issues with your wife. I'm kind of surprised you would say, "no guy is gonna accept that i am a bi-sexual and that i am married." There are other married bisexual men, too. There are unmarried bisexual men. And there are gay men who are okay with a relationship with a married bi man. The bottom line, though, is from the get-go, you must tell him you are bisexual and married. When I was 18-19 years old and ridiculously romantic, several married bisexual men hooked up with me. I felt deeply hurt and betrayed. Anyway, if she is upset by what you have to say, isn't that understandable? Perhaps she would feel threatened if you explore your gay side--that she would lose you. Perhaps you even feel that fear. Bisexuality is confusing to many people who think of the world in black and white, either/or terms. Take a look at the questions Worrier999 raised and try to answer them. What do you actually specifically want? The discussion with your wife may actually clarify many things. I am concerned that the longer you wait on this conversation, the more resentment you'll both feel toward each other. If you just find that you can't raise this issue, I think a marriage counselor would be helpful. A counselor can teach you both how to talk to each other in non-threatening ways and, just as importantly, how to listen without getting defensive. Good luck. Hope I've said something helpful.
  2. Hi, Rypdx27: I'm a bit confused about the expression of you and your ex's "friendship." Dinner, movies, phone calls? In any event, if I were in your situation, I'd ask, "What am I getting out of this relationship?" It is noble that you want him to be happy, but what about you? You deserve to have a relationship (with a boyfriend and friends)that is supportive, loving, enriching, and comfortable. Hasn't he already moved on from your relationship? Maybe it's time to move on too. (This is just my two-cents worth.)
  3. Hi, Anna: I agree with Liliah that coming out is empowering. Secrets are heavy burdens to carry. First, you know your parents. We don't. But I'd bet they love you and want you to be happy. Second, I coming out should be an act of love: "I'm telling you this, because I love you and I want you to be a part of my life." If coming out is like a confession, your parents--or anyone--will pick up on the negative energy. Third, please don't write letters or text messages or telephone calls to tell them. It's unfair to you both, and it probably means you aren't ready. The emotional connection you have with a face-to-face, heart-to-heart talk is important. Fourth, be prepared. Are you ready? You've known them for 14 years, how might they react? If you do come out, they may doubt it and tell you you're to young to decide these things. Don't argue. In fact, don't allow any of the discussion to deteriorate into arguments. Let them have their say and their reactions. People says stupid things when they are surprised, upset, and/or ignorant. Nod you head and say "I understand how you feel". They need time to come out too. Also, give them resources, like Internet sites for parents of LGBT. If there is a local chapter of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, have their address and phone number available. Or they may just say, "We've known it, Anna." Fifth, worrier999's suggestions are good. Try to find a youth group in your area. There are also very good web forum sites for gay lesbian teens. Support is important. Or just Google the words in bold. Anyway, this is just want I think. I hope some of it is helpful.
  4. Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great day :)

  5. Trace

    I hope you had a fantastic day :)

  6. Trace

    I hope you have a fantastic day :)

  7. Coming out to parents is a big and liberating step. The lies and secrets is exhausting, for sure. The when is something you have to decide, of course. You know your parents well. The best way is to think of sharing this part of yourself as a positive gift of love so that they can be part of your life and vice versa. Parents take their cues about how to react by their son's or daughter's response--if it is a tearful "confession," they could assume that there is something bad about being gay or lesbian. If they don't know much about it, have information available and if possible the local chapter of PFLAG--Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. It sounds like you are in a positive state of mind about yourself. Perhaps others here have other ideas. Warm wishes!
  8. Hi, Fighting Survivor, Welcome. We're glad to see you here. Glad to hear that your transition well went and that your depression is under control. I'm sure that your support and advice will be valuable here. And, of course, we're always here for you.
  9. Hi, Tress, I'm sorry to hear about all of these difficult things happening to people around you. I could be wrong, Tress, but it seems like you have a strong sense of wanting to take care of others. That's great, but how about yourself? Certainly, if you are worn out emotionally caring for others, you'll have little left to give. As difficult as it is to accept, your mother, your gf, and your best friend have made choices. They aren't your choices to make and they aren't choices you would want them to make, but can you see how much anger and their choices have triggered in you? The choice you need to make now is whether you can live with your girlfriend's and your best friend's choices. If not, you have two choices: Continue to allow yourself to be hurt and angry, or to set them adrift and let them take the rightful responsibilities of their choices. I see no reason, Tress, to continue to suffer. It is okay if their problems and issues are too much for you to bear. You have no power over others, but you are empowered with the gift of choice in your own life. For me, I would wish for you that you could learn how to cope with your anger in order to deal with its underlying pain. Holding onto them is so exhausting. I think you sense that. And that is not waiting at the sidelines. Working on yourself is an active, wonderful thing to give yourself. The ability to accept people as they are, and to accept their good and bad choices, begins with yourself. Why do you feel so angry and hurt by their choices? That's a start. It might help if you asked your mother why she let that man vent instead of do what you might do. As for your gf, it might help if you tell her that you would like to see that she take more responsibility in her life now, that it is difficult to see her in the current situation with her father, but that you understand you cannot force any change in her life--that it is all up to her. Our expectations of others are usually unconscious until something happens. Aren't we betrayed by our expectations? At one time or another, all of us stumble by making "bad" and even "stupid" choices. Again, we have to accept that they have to take the responsibility for their choices. Perhaps making "bad" and "stupid" choices helps steer us toward "good" and "wise" choices. Experience is, after all, the greatest teacher. I wonder--and I hope I'm not out of line here--I wonder whether you feel you are worth love, by that I mean loving, and being loved. I ask that because people who are "helpers" often are very capable of giving love, but not receiving it. Love is a loop of giving and taking. But you cannot make the connection without loving yourself. That's where the receiving part starts. How do you do that? By reminding yourself that you love yourself, doing things that are good for you, getting in touch with your feels and needs and doing something about them (e.g., asking someone for what you need), allowing yourself to feel good (instead of dreading the day or even moment when you don't). It sounds simplistic, but it works. Learning to love yourself takes work. Our culture somehow teaches us that self-love is bad, narcissistic, or selfish. But loving yourself is a selfless thing. Narcissistic and selfish people do not love themselves at all. There's an old saying, "If you want to change the world, start with yourself." I'd say it applies: "If you want to change your world, start with yourself." I know you deserve love, Tress.
  10. Hi, Noname188, Thanks for the update. It is good that you expressed what you felt and that you figured out the answer. Best of all, you can remain chat buddies. I'm not clear about how you feel about the situation. I hope the story of your life is that you are emerging a person who can communicate your feelings and needs in a positive way. We just have to be aware of when we have expectations behind our asking for what we need. Yes, there will be "no's" from those you ask, but that isn't a rejection of you. We are all empowered with choice. And there will be "yes's'". Sometimes we are more afraid of the "yes" than of the "no." It is a great accomplishment when you can be as clear as we can about our feelings and needs, take the risk to communicate those needs, and allow others to communicate their needs to you. That, to me, is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Taking responsibility for what you feel and allowing others to take responsibility for theirs isn't easy. Built into our language are assumptions otherwise: "He MADE me angry." "He MADE me feel sad." What a sad thing to relinquish our precious connection to ourselves and consequently our needs. Anyway, forgive me for writing so much. I seem to have needed to remind myself of these things. In any event, I hope you feel proud of yourself for tasking the risk.
  11. Hi, Spouse1, Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm sorry that you have been in such a difficult situation. I don't know much about cross-dressing, but as I understand it, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It is a sexual fetish--a turn-on. Gay men don't cross-dress. Transsexuals do. Is that what you meant? A lot of straight men are into she-males. That doesn't mean they're gay. As a matter of fact, gay men aren't turned on at all by she-males. Bisexual guys, yes. I live in a country where pre-operative transsexuals can raise money for their operations. You'd be surprised at the demand for their services. I can't tell you what to do. If I were being berated, belittled, and called "biotch," I wouldn't hang around. To me, you and your well-being should be the issue. Don't you deserve to be happy? To me, he's an adult and it shouldn't be your financial responsibility to support him. Maybe I'm being too cold in saying that, but I wonder if that dependency on you just encourages dependency. . . In any event, priority one is you and your kids. Can you go to a counselor to sort out these issues? You sound like you are in knots. Frankly, I have some very strong opinions about this situation, but I know that it is best that you make your own decisions. Please keep us informed, okay?
  12. Hi, One Big Mess, First, you have made a brave first step in sharing your thoughts and feelings with us so candidly. Second, I hope that you'll take Girly's advise and give someone a call. Read your first two paragraphs again. If this were sent to you from a friend, what would those words tell you? It tells me that you are depressed and in need of help. It is good that you are scared. It is good that you are tired. It means that it is time to act, to do something, to get help. The problem is that you've been battling depression--probably for a long time. Intelligent, articulate people, like you, especially when not connected to others, talk to themselves a lot, but have no perspective. When depressed, though, the "voice" of depression crowds out rational thought. Don't give into it. It's a D*** liar. I'm not going to argue with you about suicide. I was there several times. It is not pretty, brave, or necessary. Thoughts of suicide are a red flag for depression. You are an intelligent, very articulate guy and the way you have experienced the world, the eyes that you have that see it differently from others, could be something you could contribute through music, art, or poetry. You will find your true voice--not for the world, but for yourself. (The world needs its nonconformists, though.) It does sound like you have a lot to be angry about, One Big Mess. I came from a very poor family too, and was mocked and discriminated against. And you have a lot of loss--your home, privacy, your father, and perhaps even your identity. What's the opposite of hate? Most people say "love", but in fact, it is indifference. You have to care a lot about something or someone in order to hate. Hate is a way of putting up a very unstable wall. It takes a lot of energy to hold that D*** thing up. So, I ask you, why waste so much energy hating? The smoke of it clouds your ability to find what you want. I understand not fitting even to the point of even not wanting to fit in. (So much of what you described about your life was just like mine when I was younger. It's eerie.) And I think that you'll find that one of your strengths will be not conforming. But it does sound to me that you put up a strong barrier. It feels safe behind your walls, yet you long to step around them. You probably don't realize now that when you let people see the real you, they will actually like you just as you are. So, one great thing about dealing with depression is that you can come out of the storm. You don't have to give up yourself, you just be yourself and be open. And, yeah, there are open-minded people out there who would love to have a "SO different" person in their lives. When I was in university, one of the great things was sharing musical artists with friends--and talking about what this song meant and so on. A lot of music I though I wouldn't like, I ended up liking--and vice versa. Music was so important to me (and still is) and sharing it was like sharing myself. You are not "beyond repair," because you aren't broken. You have this horrible beast of depression riding your back (which didn't jump out at you from music). The next step is to get help. That's the hard part, because reaching out is a bit scary. Being as intelligent as you are, though, may not be helpful. We have to balance our minds and emotions--not separate them. We have to learn to take risks--risks not only to perhaps fail but to succeed. Once freed of depression, you can start learning to get on with life, making choices, and growing. Yeah, it sounds cliche. Sorry. I hope I've said something here that is helpful, OBM. If you want to talk more privately, PM me.
  13. I'd say that the basic idea--being threatened by gay men--still applies. Although in the case of a woman, she may have had a relationship with a gay man and was hurt because of it. Still, no excuse. Do you mean she's saying, "That's so gay"? If so, I'm sure you know it carries the meaning of "that's so lame." It became a trendy catchphrase . . . but now is passe. Nobody "cool" uses it anymore. Nonetheless, in my opinion, beneath "That's so gay" are stereotypes and deeper still social attitudes that gay men are contemptible. I know many people disagree, but "just words" doesn't cut it. Words express our attitudes and that of our culture. Actually, I think I would be stunned if a woman made an anti-gay slur. Women, after all, endure oppression just as do gay people. . . In any event, I think you have a perfect thing to say to her, "There is no excuse for anyone in Toronto working and studying to not have grasped that insults one might have used growing up or even in high school are unacceptable." It's good that you just want to take care of yourself right now. I understand how exhausting it can be to feel as if one has to fight one more battle against ignorance and hatred. Somehow the social evolution/enlightenment seems to make ten steps forward and then is pushed back five. You do have a right to have a workplace that is comfortable for you and free of insults and slurs.
  14. I'm happy to see that you are considering some possible solutions. I hope the three of you will make great roommates. I understand that there are a lot of uncertainties (gosh, this takes me back to my university days). It sounds like maybe you over-think things--something I'm well aware of in myself. I call it my "what-if" issue. It's good to understand the worst-case scenario, but there's something to be said about just taking a leap and going for it. In my experience, the best way of finding a place to rent is just driving around neighborhoods looking for "FOR RENT" signs. In your case, the first question I would ask is "Do you allow pets?" If the answer is "No," just say thanks anyway and move on. Don't get discouraged. There are apartment owners who love pets (actually, I don't trust anyone who doesn't love animals). I understand that previous pet owners may have been irresponsible--not cleaning up after their pets, allowing their pet to disturb neighbors, or not training their dog not to chew wooden doors, for example. It can be costly. There is also something to be said about faith and positive thinking. Have faith things will work out. Don't give in to the frustration. It works out. Sometimes in ways you didn't anticipate (that's another reason over-thinking things is not a good idea--one gets a narrowed picture of possibilities). Here's some more for good luck to the three of you.
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