Lorax

So much pain and guilt. No one to lean on for support. No one to lend me strength. Nobody should be this alone. I'm so tired.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I am the same way. I miss having someone that I am close with but how can you be close to someone when you are unable to share your thoughts and feelings that are always there, the things that never go away and are the cause of why I am this way. I don't even understand myself, how could I ever expect someone else to understand me. I don't know how old you are or how long you have been dealing with the issues you are having, but don't be like me. I never was able to find help and finally just gave up, it was the only way I could go on. It feels like once this happens there's no going back. Believe me, I know how hard it is... but please try and help yourself. Try and find someone you trust and ask for help. Sometimes you just need that one person who is on your side, one person who believes in you to give you a little bit of strength. Try not to be too hard on yourself and enjoy the small victories. I am sitting here debating with myself if I should even hit the post button. Even here, where I know others are having such difficult times, it's hard to talk about these things or if I am even making any sense. I don't know... Sorry for the rambling, my intention is good, the execution not so much.

I'm in the same part of the country, definitely not supposed to be like this here. I'm going into work tomorrow even though it's my day off because I don't have AC at home.

112° today, the highest temperature ever recorded where I live, and going to be even hotter tomorrow. It's 86 now at 1:30 am and no AC. It's not supposed to be like this in the pacific northwest.

I'm not a very social person and don't like to be around a lot of people. I do really miss having that one person to talk to though. Not about the serious things or how I am feeling. Just the random things I come across or think of that I wish I had someone there to share with. Even just sitting next to them, not even having to say anything at all, just feeling their presence and knowing you have someone on your side.

I function almost like a normal person when I am working. It's the days I don't work is when I'm really reminded how not normal I really am.

Your post reminds me of a quote I read: “Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” I can definitely relate to this. Hope things go better for you.

"The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely." —Charlotte Brontë

I do

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry.” - Dr. Seuss

I used to work until 3am and though it could be difficult to be on a completely different schedule than everyone else I also found it very peaceful. Especially in the spring and summer, driving home with the windows down with nobody about except me and the moon.

You could have just described me. I've been called lots of things just because I don't take the initiative to interact with people much. I can function well enough with co-workers and customers in a work setting but put me in a room with the exact same people on a social setting and just can't fit in.

Well, my quarantine is over. Going back to work tomorrow for the first time in five months. I think the good will outweigh the bad but still a little nervous as it wasn't going all that well before all this time off. Not looking forward to being around so many people again.

When I am down and don't want to be around anyone, it's painful. When I'm up and wouldn't mind some company, I've already alienated myself from everyone because of all of my down times, it's painful. Kind of funny.. or not.

So I am waiting in a line outside and out of ten people I'm the only one wearing a mask. I may lose my shit and get into some trouble. This is so unacceptable.