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Everything posted by CassAnn

  1. Welcome Matt! I personally struggle with bipolar, depression, anxiety and ptsd. It's always amazing to hear about someone with the same struggles finding that "place" that I think we all probably strive for! A great inspiration! I definitely look forward to hearing more from you! ~C
  2. I'm not quite sure what's happening to me but I'm slowly but surely being eaten alive by guilt...over literally everything. It's really gotten bad lately and I don't know what to do with the way I feel. I feel worthless and useless and I'm always screwing up. I have zero support system. I have NO friends and I don't trust anyone. I try to tell my partner how I'm feeling but I'm horrible with communicating my feelings out loud to him. When I do actually try and talk it feels like he takes my words, twists them around and gets angry and upset making him the victim and me the bad guy, like always. And there goes the guilt again! I have PTSD from severe trauma that started when I was very young and it some how became a pattern. I'm not a "man hater" at all, but the abuse and trauma just continued. Man after man in my life. Uncle, father, men I sincerely loved, one in particular that never in my wildest dreams would I think he'd be the one to just... break me. But the guilt! It's overwhelming. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to deal anymore. It's continuously getting worse. Any help, ideas, suggestions or simple questions would be much appreciated. I literally have no one to talk to or turn to. Thanks for reading. ~C
  3. Thank you! :) It's definitely work but worth it in the end. I just ordered hundreds of new bulbs for spring planting. Gladiolus for the sun garden and Caldium for the shade bed. Wish me luck! Lol
  4. This isn't a movie but the first thing that popped into my head was Adam Levine and his incredibly cute butt in maroon 5s video This Summer’s Gonna Hurt Like A Mother****er
  5. I've never personally done CBT therapy but it's my understanding that it's more based in the here and now. Goal setting. Recognizing triggers and problems and finding better solutions to cope. It's not talking about your childhood, how your mother was and "how do you feel about that? " In patient I would NOT recommend unless you're planning a long stay in a good private hospital. Everywhere else is literally just a "medicate and monitor" facility. I am personally terrified of traditional talk therapy for a whole host of reasons but if I were brave enough I believe it would probably do me the most good. ~C
  6. That's normal. I very rarely brush my teeth, shave, wash my hair, ect. I'm a mess. Lol
  7. Ok, well... My answer might be unpopular but I can only answer from my perspective. I'll be 40 in July and have struggled with depression for most of my life. Some of it has been absolutely crippling. I was later (early 20s) diagnosed with bipolar disoder, anxiety disorder and PTSD. All those lovely little disorders, but none worse than my depression alone. There ARE a few things I've noticed about myself over the years that I attribute to constant depression and possibly even my anxiety. I think my memory is affected the most. Short term mostly and sometimes I get flat out confused. My concentration. My sense of time, definitely. My ability to feel things from others like love, friendship, ect so I isolate. Sometimes my ability to show or feel those things as well. I'm sure there's more I'm just not thinking off. Is some of this permanent damage due to a lifetime of depression. I believe so. I don't think my memory will ever be restored. I think that's permanent damage, along with the confusion. I also don't think I'll ever connect to people naturally again. Mind you, I've been on meds for years. I've tried just about everything and have been resistant to all so far. I've frustrated every med doc I've ever seen. I apologize for this not being positive, but it's what I got. ~C
  8. Because I always have this lurking feeling something bad is going to happen, so I'm pretty on edge today. ~C
  9. Two beautiful poets...Ann Sexton and Silvia Plath were both extremely depressed and committed sui*ide. Maybe it's terribly sick and morbid of me but I've always seen even Sextons death to be a poem in her classic fashion. Her last poem had so much to say. Also, Kurt Cobain. Another great poet lost to soon. ~C
  10. Very welcome! I highly recommend day lilies when you are able to start your own garden. They're super tough (almost impossible to **** really), naturalize quite well, and the newer rebloomers are amazing!
  11. So, one of the very few things I get excited about anymore are my gardens. While I'm anxiously awaiting my yearly allowance of flowers and bulbs to come in the mail I'm also very excited to see what's going to happen this year and see which of my new lillies (planted last year) made it through our unusually rough winter! In the mean time I'd like to share a few long standing bloomers. Although I collect mostly day lillies, 45 cultivars at count last year, I grow other things as well The red bloom with yellow center is by far our largest and spans the entire length of a dollar bill! I obviously can't post them all here but I hope you enjoy! ~C https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/album/1406-my-garden-and-other-misc/
  12. Thank you both for your thoughts and advice! lonelyforeigner, you had some things to say that I find myself totally identifying with. As far as my self image is concerned...most of the time I don't feel like I have one, if that makes any sense, and I guess has a long backstory. Lol The thing that might be different about me is that I see sexual relations and intimacy as two totally different things. I used to enjoy sex I guess but it was always just something I did but up until ten years ago I had never had an orgasm. It was a shocker to realize that what I had been feeling all that time wasn't all there was. Then I discovered what intimacy felt like and realized I'd never felt that either and that there were so many forms of it out there. Fastforward,I find my self tolerating sex like a chore because there is no intimacy involved in any way and I know that's not how it should be. And intimacy itself, as much as I crave it, terrifies me and I can't feel it even when I try. I hope I've made at least a little sense here. Any thoughts on this please send them my way. tia, ~C
  13. This is a subject that I've never once spoken about but I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with on my own. I don't feel intimacy... Like, at all, with anyone. Or maybe I don't like it? I also have an extremely low libido which I mainly chalk up to my meds but even when I'm "in the mood" I'd much rather just take care of it myself rather than involve my partner. Sorry if this is TMI but I could really use some possible advice. Thanks in advance, ~C
  14. CassAnn

    Online therapy

    I was wondering if anyone has had any experience with this form of counseling? i. e. Betterhelp.com and several others. I've signed up and have been really struggling to talk to the counselor assigned to me for a few weeks now. We'll have our first phone session this afternoon. I'm just hoping this isn't a waste of time or money... I've never seriously talked to anyone.
  15. That's a very interesting point of view :) I'm not sure if I agree or not! Lol
  16. I feel like I know what I want to say here but dont want to hijack this thread with my theories. Lol You do have a valid point though :)
  17. It's been a very long time since I've been able to write but I would like to tentatively share something I wrote years ago. Grown Old. I have seen better days.These feet, this skin, my smile have all known brighter sun, been in better moments and loved with more heart then I ever know now. Me, being young, have grown so old with life. This bitterness sinking into me. Head down, eyes dimmed. I have become nonexistent, even to myself. My body just waits...as if baited at birth to yearn for it. The rattle, the hum, the glitch in the machine. I don't remember ever not listening, my ear pressed to the walls of my ribs. But every day that my blood runs slower the silver continues to win. With my body still making up the excuses that my mind and my soul simply cannot understand.
  18. I'm sorry but I really have to agree with Cent here. I know it's not what you want to hear but it seems to be the way relationships of any kind work.
  19. CassAnn

    Reaching out

    Thank you gatita! I was an artist and published writer before this hit. I was full of passion! It seems like to me that this effects the most sensitive the hardest. I dont really need all that back, I just want to feel something again.
  20. CassAnn

    Reaching out

    P.S. I found this topic out of sheer luck. It's the reason I joined the forum in the first place but it's taken me a few days to figure out what to say. There's just SO much.
  21. CassAnn

    Reaching out

    In ALL my years of dealing with depression and bipolar disorder I never knew this was even a thing! I was always led to believe that my lack of emotions, energy, ect. were just side effects of the medications I take. This makes me more then a little angry and frustrated. I've lost everything that made me, ME and I'm left asking "now what"?? I've been reading through the posts here and have formed the loose conclusion that this condition is damn near a hopeless cause and full of guess work and experimentation. So much of the time I just don't care enough to invest the energy. I have no quality of life at this point. The people that love me are suffering because I can't resipicate their love or attempts at intimacy of any kind. I can't talk, express emotion or find excitement in anything. I have no intetest or motivation. I get what I do mange to get done out of the sheer determination of guilt. Lots and lots of guilt for what I dont feel, what I dont do, what I can't contribute. I exist, I sleep then get up just to exist again. I don't think I have much of a point or bottom line to this post, I'm sorry. I guess now what I'll do is show this group to my husband, who is nothing BUT support and say "look, look! This is me! This is a real thing!" There's just something about having a name to define what has been indescribable for SO many years. Knowing that I'm not alone. I'm hoping there's an answer in it somewhere. I really do welcome anyone that deals with this, identifies and is moved to do so...respond. I could really use the support/advice/experiences of others. Thank you. ~C
  22. KickingTheFrog, I've dealt with severe depression for many years now, both on and off medication and the feeling of literally being brain damaged has been common for me. It's very scary and frustrating especially when it impairs simple things like reading or more important things like memory, concentration and clarity of mind. I hope you're able to find the right medication to pull you out of this. Just don't give up on it!
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