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  1. Cent- I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say. I suffer from pretty bad depression but I have three kids and they mean to world to me. I think they are the only things that keep me sane. I am divorced from their mother but I still see them all the time. I have a pretty decent relationship with my ex and she lets me see them at least 1-2 days a week extra. My uncle completely abandoned his children and his wife over 15 years ago and hasn't checked on them once since he left- I just don't understand what can drive someone to do that. To me, leaving my kids isn't an option. Honestly it is probably the only thing keeping me from ******* myself since nothing else brings me any joy at all.
  2. KatyJaneD- That sounds exactly like something I do so maybe I can shed some light on this behavior. When I am feeling good I am very excited to hang out with people and I enthusiastically make plans, but when it gets closer to actually following through on those plans my anxiety takes over and then I tend to have really bad depression so I back down from those plans. It is really hard for me and I'm sure it is hard for my friends- at least the ones that still make an attempt to hang out with me. I would say what he is doing is very much in line with depression and anxiety, at least how I see them. You are a very good person for trying to find out why he is acting this way and for caring so much. As other posters have stated, just be careful and take care of yourself. Good luck to you!
  3. I can relate to quite a few points that you made, including feeling like you didn't belong in with that group. But one thing to consider is that you had something about you that caused that girl to be attracted and interested in you in the first place, and it sounds like it lasted at least a few months. Better to have love and lost as goes the old saying. One thing that I always go back to that gives me a bit of hope is a quote I heard about Mother Teresa. I read somewhere about one of the people that she helped thinking they were worthless, but they must have worth otherwise her act of providing kindness to them would have not have had worth. Does that make sense? I am struggling now to find something that I enjoy doing, something to give my life meaning beyond my children. They will grow up and have their own lives. Depression robs us of our passions and our hopes and dreams. It turns our own brain against us. What a challenge! Good luck to you, I wish I had answers for you.
  4. I just got done reading it... or as much as I could. I agree again that a blog would be a great idea. This place is great for venting your feelings and getting your thoughts organized. Maybe you should start an electronic journal and just add to it every day. One thing that used to help me very much that a therapist had recommended was to write before going to bed. One of my many issues was that I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't get my mind to "turn off". It was always racing with thoughts. Once I was asleep I was usually fine. In order to put my mind at ease I would get out my notepad and write down everything that was bothering me. Once it was all out on paper (or electronic form) i could then step away and do a couple of things-- i could go to sleep because there was nothing else I could do about those things at that time, and sometimes it would help me put things in perspective. It didn't always work, but it's a good start.
  5. I think everyone hear is probably dealing with depression so we are all trying to help and relate. I totally agree with mmoose- paragraphs! :) I almost completely ignore posts that long with no breaks because it seems like a huge investment.
  6. Why did it censor the word "k i l l" that isn't profanity...
  7. Thank you loney, glfinding and Epictetus for the replies and for listening (reading). It gives me a modicum of hope when I see replies to my posts. :) I decided today that this is ridiculous. Another day of him completely ignoring me, turning around when i come near, etc. I didn't **** anyone, I made a mistake as everyone has and I have tried so many times to apologize. I thought this person and I were friends, for 3 years we have worked next to each other and often had lunch together but I guess with this person it's one and done. You make one mistake and you are done forever as far as he is concerned. It really makes me doubt that we were ever friends to begin with. It is difficult because there he is one of the people in the "group" which has certainly changed over the years (people come and go) but it puts extra strain if we ever do things outside the office. I really didn't expect this from this person but as you all have mentioned there is nothing I can do now. I have lost a great deal of sleep over this entire ordeal. I will wake up at 3am with panic attacks... for some reason my mind LOVES replaying everything I have done wrong in my mental projector at 3 or 4am. Then it's almost impossible to get back to sleep. I actually just recently got back on ADHD meds (as one post mentioned) so maybe they will offer some help.
  8. I'm hoping someone could help me or at least it may help to get this off my chest. I have long considered work my safe haven. I have been doing the same job for several years, I am good at what I do, I feel comfortable and I like my coworkers and my manager. Or at least I did. Due to changes at work I now have a manager that I no longer trust or even like. My coworkers that I loved hanging out with and working with have moved on due to several reasons and my office space which used to be a happy place is now a quiet, sad, depressing dungeon. To make things even worse I said something while having fun with some coworkers from another team who were in my area that was horrible. I also have OCD and ADHD and often times my mouth will let something out before my brain has it filtered. Well that happened and the worst word ever came out and my coworker (who was one of my closest friends here or so I thought) overheard and was FURIOUS. I immediately apologized over and over and genuinely felt horrible. I was repeating what another coworker had said but that doesn't make it any better. That was 4 months ago and things are worse than ever. That person actively ignores me and will speak to everyone else except me. If I come over and they are talking to several people and I join in the conversation this person will turn their chair around. It is now so quiet at work and I am so alone. All I have time to do is work (which is good I guess) and think about how sad I am. I have apologized in every way at least a hundred times. I have offered to take them out to lunch, dinner, drinks, a walk, anything. They aren't having it. It has been 4 months so I don't think it is ever going to change. Help
  9. Thank you all it does help to vent and let it out. I have long since stopped venting to my friends fully because they all have their own lives and their own problems. I remember my ex-wife telling me during one of my depression episodes that she was tired and she couldn't be strong enough for both of us and I realized she was right. I don't know if this makes it extra difficult to be a man with depression as I have never been a woman with depression so I can't compare the two. :) All I can do is compare my experiences. Men aren't supposed to cry or feel insecure. Right now I am having a terrible time at work (which used to be my sanctuary as I would concentrate on work and leave my divorce at home) because I greatly offended a close co-worker about 3 months ago and it hasn't been the same since. I come in to silence or 2-3 words and we barely speak all day. I used to have such a great group of coworkers and it was a pleasure to be at work as we laughed and smiled and troubles seemed to fade away. Now everyone around me on my row of cubicles is silent and mostly in a bad mood which is contagious. Where I used to look forward to days in the office now I dread them. I have become the outcast at work so now my day is silent at home and at the office. It has gotten so bad that I am actively trying to move my desk but that would be a dagger in the heart of the already strained coworker relationships. I have been divorced for 4 years now and I just don't see myself ever being with anyone again. I would love to find someone and share my life with them, of course this would be wonderful but I don't think I am in the right place mentally to be with someone. How can I be strong for someone else when I am so mentally fragile? Has ANYONE had luck with medication where they no longer feel depressed? I don't even know if it is possible. I am even considering ECT as I would rather feel a little pain and discomfort than endless darkness and depression. It's a terrible thing to waste my own life hating myself but I don't know how to change it.
  10. Wow I didn't expect to get 2 replies! I have been trying to find a good forum for depression, I'm glad I found this one. All responses are very welcome. Thank you both
  11. I spend so much time in my own head that you think I would be able to solve my issues but I keep getting worse. I am so so depressed and I don't know what to do anymore if I ever did. The only thing that is keeping me alive are my children otherwise I really think I would have checked out. But I can't do that to them. I am currently on Zoloft and Xanax (doctor is trying to ween me off) but I have tried Wellbutrin, Paxil, Proxac, Lexapro and a few others. You know how many articles trying to help say "Start by listing 5 things you like about yourself?" I honestly have trouble naming 2 things. I like my hair. That's about it. I could name 30 things I DON"T like about myself. Then I try to think about things I am looking forward to, as surely there are things just over the horizon that I am excited about... all I can come up with is sleeping. When I tell these things to my regular doctor (not mental health doctor) he really thinks I am joking or exaggerating. I wish I was. I used to have a ton of friends and I suppose I still have some but over the years (I am in my early 40s) we have all drifted apart with separate families. I understand and it's nothing personal, it just happens. But I am left with fewer and fewer people to confide in and I feel so guilty spending the little bit of time I have with people complaining about my life. I don't want to drive the few friends I have left further away. Everyone has their own problems in life I know this. I just wish someone could help. I wish I knew how to get help. I wish I knew where to start. I feel like I am unraveling. I spend my quiet times alone at night replaying all the stupid and horrible things I have done over and over again in my mental projector. It's like my brain relishes in pointing out my faults. Why is my own brain conspiring against me? Shouldn't my brain be on MY side?? Even work which I used to say was my peace zone has become unbearable. I said something to a coworker which greatly offended them and it hasn't been the same since no matter how many times I apologize. One other problem I have (which will be played on tonight's mental highlight reel around 1am) is that I have no filter and I say things out of context and without proper analysis. I have ADHD and OCD among other things. Now at work I sit in silence and there is a horrible awkwardness. The one place where I feel smart has become my own island as no one seeks my help anymore and I feel even more dense and idiotic. Please help
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