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Cent

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Everything posted by Cent

  1. Two and a half years ago I had a year-long phase of thinking that i was transgender. I felt discontent with my role in society and i didnt like where my future was headed as a man. These feelings went away afterward and my depression went away for a while. Since last year i have been back on meds but i havent had the feelings of gender discontentment again until now. I dont know what i want anymore, sometimes i think that i want to be a girl and sometimes i think that i'm just very attracted to girls. (Sorry if this paragraph gets explicit, but i think it's neccesary to understand my feelings) I am bisexual. Whenever i imagine sexual interactions with a man i picture myself being in the more submissive role. Whenever i imagine sexual interactions with women i imagine it from a completely 3rd person perspective. I can't really imagine being with a girl sexually. I dont really understand what's going on. One of the things that triggers my depression is attractive women. Again, sometimes i think this is just because i cant get a date and other times i think it's because id like to be a girl. My dream world would be having the ability to turn back and forth from an attractive female to an attractive male, but i think the chances of that becoming a reality are slim. Sometimes i feel like im the most unattractive man on the planet, my masculinity is probably the thing im most self conscious about. I think that may be because im not good at it. When im not in public or im with someone i truly trust im meek and submissive and quiet and i think that's the way i truly am, but when i'm around my friends i feel the need to be loud and boisterous and make disgusting jokes and almost every single time i walk away from a conversation like that my depression comes crashing down on me. I plan on getting therapy soon, but I have yet to receive a call back. I dont really expect you guys to have the answers, but i would appreciate any feedback you guys have. Thanks <3
  2. When I get depressed my chest feels like it’s trying to suck itself into a black hole. It feels like I’m crying without tears.
  3. I just had a huge crying session after a whole day of feeling like crap. I’m so lonely. I’m surrounded by friends, people I love and care for and that love and care for me. But I’m so lonely. I barely understand what I’m feeling. Im so sick and tired of having nobody to hold close to me to love and care for. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like the world is trying to give me so many hints that it doesn’t want me dating anyone. I learned to accept that for a while but lately the feeling of loneliness has become unbearable. I need your help. -KylePD
  4. Cent

    Guilt

    I have been friends with this girl for a while now and we’ve been very close. She has a boyfriend at the moment but sometimes it seems like we’re closer than she is with her boyfriend. She has a lot of anxiety problems and she has gone through several boyfriends, one of which took advantage of her while she was high on illegal drug. Something about making romantic advances towards her makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I’m taking advantage of this young girl who is heavily impacted by her anxiety. I’ve been stressing about it al night so I pretty much just needed a place to write this down. Also I have tried numerous times to make romantic advances towards other girls with no success. Sometimes I doubt my ability to even be in a relationship. I don’t want to mess things up with this girl, I just genuinely enjoy being around her. Whenever I think about her ex boyfriend taking advantage of her it turns my stomach, puts me in a bad mood. I don’t really know how to rationalize what I’m feeling. My thoughts have been all over the place for the past week or so, so now I’m putting them here. Thanks for reading these 2 messes of paragraphs, -KylePD
  5. It sucks that sometimes the correct answers are the hardest to execute. I think the only thing you can do is be supportive and be very vocal with how much you love her and your daughter. That's my opinion at least and of course i'm not a professional. Going to a psychologist is a huge step for depressed people and can help astronomically. If you need to, you should hold her to her medication schedule. I truly hope that your relationship can heal and that she can heal as well. You have my best wishes, -KylePD
  6. Ive been taking my meds pretty infrequently for the last week because i took a trip to NH and i completely forgot. Ive been feeling like absolute death lately. My family went out the yesterday for my sister's birthday with her boyfriend. I had a really long stretch where everything was working out fine, so that's good. Its just ever since i skipped out on my meds a few days everything has flooded back into my mind. I hope things get better tomorrow, i have school and seeing my friends again will probably cheer me up. I hope so. -KylePD
  7. I usually don’t unless I have to go see people. I usually have so much on my mind that I don’t even think of it. The worst thing to here from my parents is ‘How could you possibly forget?’ I don’t know, I just did. -KylePD
  8. Crying isn’t that bad of a thing, at least to me. That sort of an emotional release can be relieving. -KylePD
  9. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes to pull through hard times like this you just have to disregard everything and do whatever you want to. That’s what helped me get through my major bouts of depression, I ignored school and my parents and just did whatever I felt like until I was better. I don’t know if this advice is pertinent to you, but if you ever need to talk Mano y Mano you can always dm me. I’m here to help. -KylePD
  10. I can’t relate to this topic more. I agree with lonelyforeigner, if you’re taking so much hurt from not being able to be with her, you should remove yourself entirely from the situation. I know how hard that can be, but if you can’t ask her out and you can’t be without her you’re in a vicious cycle. The only way I’ve gotten out of these situations is by leaving the cycle. -KylePD
  11. Honestly I don’t know how to help you because I’m just a kid. I can tell you that things will get better. It might sound like I’m BSing you but I’m seriously not. -KylePD
  12. I had a very interesting experience today. Usually I walk my friend, the one who in an earlier post I said was hot, to her class after the period we have class together. She’s always had boyfriends and my thought process is ‘I wouldn’t mind dating her, but being friends with her is still rad.’ Today her boyfriend, also a friend of mine, walked her to class instead. She left class really quickly to meet up with him, so I just walked straight to my class. After this I got a sort of dejected feeling, a little spark of my deppression coming back. I’ve been over it for a few weeks now because of medicine and overcoming personal strife, so it didn’t stay long. I had a mental talk with myself next class about why and how I won’t be upset after I get up from my desk, and I wasn’t. I just wanted to share this weird happenstance with you all. -KylePD
  13. The only thing you can do is try to be better than them. Lead by example, you know? -KylePD
  14. It’s entirely possible that you need more time on your medication, and when I don’t take my medication for even a day I tend to fall backward. It could just be placebo, but I’m not a doctor so I wouldn’t know. Good luck, -KylePD
  15. Cent

    Sex

    I know that the right play is to not make any stupid moves and to just let things happen, but it’s so hard for me to be content with my answer. My head is pounding right now because I’m so stressed about this.
  16. Cent

    Sex

    I haven’t been posting very much because I’ve had a string of good days since my last post which was good. Today during school something happened that threw me for a loop though. It wasn’t even anything major. I have an attractive friend, and when she walked into class she looked more attractive than she ever had before. I guess I’m just frustrated by being single. We’re actually very close and I was talking to her about how I was feeling (although I left out the part about her being hot) and we talked about how I could get a date. What we were saying makes sense, but for some reason I don’t think it will work. And honesty I have doubts that it would be responsible to get in a relationship at this point in my life. Idk, I guess I’m fine now but that was annoying.
  17. This isn’t a post like some of my others where I’m asking for advice in a needy time, but I would appreciate some feedback from you guys so that my ideas can grow and change. Recently I’ve been thinking very much on my lack of a partner. I’m a very spiritual person, although not religious. I find it helpful to personify the world, ascribing a will to it. It helps me rationalize things. I’ve made a new friend recently and we’ve gotten quite close. In the 3 or 4 months I’ve known her she’s gone through 2 boyfriends, and some way or another I’ve become the shoulder to cry on. At first I saw this as a golden opportunity to get a girlfriend, as she was single. I was in the bathroom having a big think when I came to a thought process that put me in a position between the emotional side of my brain that wants to date her, and the more objective parts of my brain that recognize that she wouldn’t be a good partner because of drug related issues and the fact that she goes through dates like no tomorrow. I thought to myself, ‘if those are the two extremes, what would be the centered thing to do?’ I came to a conclusion of just letting whatever grows naturally happen, and not try to influence the relationship in any way. If we somehow end up together I won’t fight it, and if we don’t I won’t fight that either. So that’s the track I’m on right now. Feeing good about it too. I started a new medication recently that has improved my mood tremendously, too. Things are looking good for right now. -KyleP.D.
  18. In my experience, trying to force a relationship won’t work. In my case I feel like I’ve done everything I can to get in a relationship and everything that could have gone wrong has. Nowadays I’m just going with the flow, but mind you I also started depression medication which has helped my mood a lot. I do think that seeing a counselor would help, as they often try to make you look at your situation from an outside perspective. I hope my experience can give you some insight and I wish you the best. -KyleP.D.
  19. I can't speak for your personal situation, but often times we put our legal needs before our mental ones. Putting school before your loved ones, staying in a lifeless relationship for the legal benefits etc. If I were you, (i don't know the nuance of your relationship as much as you do so I could be wrong) I would leave him because the legal benefits aren't worth it if I'm not being emotionally fulfilled. -Cent
  20. My mom always told me that I would have to see which kind of medicine would work for me before I would totally get better. Experiment a little, it might be for your benefit.
  21. I didn't know that there were such things as emotional support dogs. That's pretty cool.
  22. This is probably the most personal piece of information I will put on the internet. Today is Christmas day and I was in the middle of unwrapping my gifts with my cousins when I remembered the dream I had not 12 hours before. (If you have a weak stomach, click away) I was engaging in sexual intercourse with my step-sister. This is not a recent problem, and I have been dealing with these feelings since I moves in with her about a year and a half ago. I feel immense guilt for how I feel. I see myself as a disgusting monster. How could a good man feel that way about his sister? I need guidance. If this gets out to anyone who knows my identity I will be ruined. A ruined reputation. I need guidance.
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