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Everything posted by Cent

  1. Take this exact message and send it to the police department.
  2. Lately I’ve been getting into it with my parents about waking me up. The worst feeling on earth is being woken up in an obnoxious loud way. My stepdad is proficient at this as he opens my door, opens my blinds and yells for me to wake up, and then leaves with the door still open. He has no idea what it’s like to stay up all night because your thoughts scare you from sleep only to have it shoved back in your face in the morning. i think I have been sleeping later for two reasons; a) I have been having trouble sleeping because of increasingly invasive nihilistic thoughts whenever my mind is at rest, or b) I have been subconsciously trying to spend less time awake in the day. It feels like I have been wasting away in my room for the past few weeks and I don’t really know how to fix it. The obvious thing to do is to go out more but my parents don’t want to spend the money to eat out and they’re always working so we can’t ever just go somewhere fun. I have a gym membership but my motivation has just been destroyed by this feeling of dread that’s been creeping up on me. i keep my brain constantly pacified, whether it be with video games or twitter or music. It seems like whenever my thoughts are left to their own devices they always go to the worst places, which is part of my problem falling asleep. I can’t shake that nagging feeling that nothing I do matters. My parents have been trying to get me to sign up for some auxiliary classes because it’s my last year in high school and I’ve done literally nothing with my time. i need to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist to try and change my prescription somehow. I’ve been on every basic depression med I can think of but without long term effects to show for it. I hope I don’t run out of options.
  3. Don’t hold back. Make sure you say everything that’s on your mind, because that’s the only way to truly fix things. Also try not to make a quick judgement of the therapist, it’s always weird and awkward at first but you’ll get to know each other.
  4. It’s my cousins wedding on Saturday and I have to see my dad. I don’t really know how it’s gonna go, or how I’m gonna act toward him. My mom wants me to explain to my grandma exactly why I don’t want to stay at her house but I can’t gather the energy to do it. My dad lies to his family about me and my mom to try to make it seem as though it’s our fault, so my mom wants me to do this to stop that. I don’t really know what to do, I can’t reallt feel strongly enough either way and that’s frustrating. I mean, I think it would be a good thing to do to tell my grandma the truth, but I don’t know if she’d accept it that way coming from a kid. There’s no guarantee that it would change things for the better, but it wouldn’t change for the worse either. Idk, I’ve been feeling really meh as of late and I don’t know why.
  5. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Just know that lack of experience doesn’t make you undatable. People don’t find their life partners because of how experienced they are, people find their life partners because they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. In dating you will fail, and sometimes it takes longer to fail than others. But in the end finding the right person for you is worth it. I would suggest not giving up, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
  6. Cent


    Everyone thinks they know who they are but that’s before life throws in its two cents
  7. Cent


    Thanks man, your words mean a lot to me. You have a valuable perspective considering how much older you are than me. I’m having a really hard time keeping my personality separate from the categories you speak of. I don’t think I really fit into one and that bothers me for some reason. I guess it’s kind of a fear of missing out maybe.
  8. Cent


    So I’ve been thinking about my gender identity again, which is really scary for me. I think I came to a revelation about some things. I was watching a few videos defining gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia and I don’t think I have either. I wrote this down earlier today, “I don’t experience gender dysphoria not body dysmorphia. I just want to be attractive, but the difference between me and most people is that my limits don’t end with my gender. I don’t limit myself to just being an attractive guy, I could also be an attractive girl.” So yeah. Sometimes when I see an attractive girl I think “damn I wish I could look like her” but not because I’m a girl, because I want to be attractive. I don’t know why but the traditional masculine way of being attractive just isn’t appealing to me, you know? I don’t really know what that means in terms of my gender identity, because I’m not a girl, I generally don’t fee uncomfortable being referred to as man. However I don’t feel especially uncomfortable with being referred to as a woman. Honestly I’ve thought to myself several times in the past about how my dream would be to just be able to flip a switch to be both. At this point I’m just really confused. I’m putting this in depression central because often these feelings only come up when I’m depressed which is also confusing.
  9. Cent


    I feel like garbage constantly. My mom always tries to get me to stop hiding in my room and playing video games but those are the only things that distract me from it all. I can’t shake the feeling that Emily and my dad thought I wasn’t good enough to make sacrifices for. And then I feel guilty because that’s a selfish line of thought. I feel like a fat loser all the time, and I don’t have any friends any more who can console me. I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks so I’m hoping we can clear some stuff up there but for now everything just kinda sucks.
  10. I lost my best friend 9 months ago. Her boyfriend said she could talk to me anymore and poof, she’s gone. She didn’t want this, she said she just couldn’t handle her boyfriend when he was upset with her. He was a jealous dude. either way it’s been 9 months since I last saw her. I’m still so hurt by it. She helped me through a terrible part of my life, taught me how to be a human again and now she’s just gone. Losing her was like losing my dad again. I just can’t help but think back to the good times we had together and how happy I was to have a friendship like we had. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I feel so alone now, I keep losing people. My other friend stopped talking to me because it’s made her u ncomfortable that people thought we should date, my other other friend moved an hour away. I just want people I can cry with again. I want people who can make me happy again. I can’t sleep now because I’m so sad.
  11. My dad is a bad person. He cheated on my mom for most of their relationship and my mom never broke up with him because she thought he could change. He lied to her to get her pity. Eventually once me and my brother found out what was going on she left him and my dad showed us his true colors. Where he had once been a paternal figure in our lives he became irritable and reclusive and after a few weeks he moved in with his parents. It wasn’t that far away, he could still visit us on the weekends he was allowed to. On my moms 40th birthday she had to stay with my in the hospital because I was very ill. My mom couldn’t get a hold of him. I can’t remember if it was before or after my hospitalization that my father took my mom out to dinner and told her he wanted a divorce. He said that he didn’t want visitation of me and my brother. My mom simply refused. My father is an outdoorsman. After moving in with his parents he moved to New Hampshire, 5 hours away from us. He left us because he wanted to live in this impoverished town that was near a lake our family had a cabin on. Now when I try to tell him why I’m upset with him he just flat out refuses that he left me. My mom told him “all he wants to hear is that you’re sorry for leaving him” and my fathers response was “I didn’t leave him”. He said to my mom that I would grow up and get over all this. I don’t know how to face him anymore. I’m tired of pretending that things are ok with him. I don’t know what to do. I have to go to a wedding with him in 2 weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I’m so tired of losing people. Emily, dad, my brother is going into the military soon too. I don’t know how to make this work. Even my friend Hannah moved away, now I only have one local friend now. I also have like a dozen family members in my house right now because my mom is getting married. I hate that I feel this way, but it’s like I’m losing her too. I know that’s wrong but it’s just how it feels. So I’m here in bed listening to sad music, writing into the DF at 3am.
  12. Yea, I go to therapy. My mood has gotten better because I’ve had enough things to distract myself but I’m still not feeling great. Thanks for th reply
  13. Every time i eat I feel disgusted with myself. “Why do I eat so unhealthy” “I need to go to the gym, I haven't been in a week “ “I wish I was bulimic so I could just erase it” every night I go to bed hating myself. I wish I was different, I wish Emily would talk to me again, I wish my dad was in my life, I feel like throwing up but I never do. Every time my mom offers to get fast food I jump at the opportunity, I love to eat out. But when I come back home I wish I’d had the restraint to say no. I’m tired already of distracting myself with video games and YouTube since school ended. I’m so afraid to graduate, I’m afraid to drive, im afraid to get a job. I’ve been able to get my license for over 6 months now but I have no motivation to go get it. My brother is leaving for the military, I only get to see him on holidays for the next few years. I’m scared of how I’ll handle it, loss destroys me. I’m in bed now but I can’t sleep because I feel terrible.
  14. The worst part is that he absolutely refuses to believe he did anything wrong. He’s never even said sorry, not even when I directly criticized him for not saying sorry. It’s like cognitive dissonance, he just chooses to forget that he cheated on my mom and left his kids. I have to see him in a few weeks for my cousins wedding and I really don’t want to, but I do want to see my other family members.
  15. I empathize with you a lot. My mental health puts me at odds with my family often too but we’ve come a long way. For one my mom understands what it’s like to live with depression so she gives me a lot of leniency. If I was you I would try to explain your feelings to your family as best as possible so that they might understand why you act the way you do.
  16. I wish I could go back and do all the things I never could with my dad. I wish he never had left so I could cry into his shoulder every time I needed to instead of my pillow. I wish he could have taught me how to shave or do math or talk to people like a man instead of having to do it myself. I wish he prioritized me enough to even come see me on prom night or my brothers graduation. I wish he and my mom never had to part ways. I wish he could’ve just been a good person.
  17. Cent


    So today was the second to last day of school and I skipped all my classes because of course. I’ve been feeling great all week until today. There’s this group of girls that whenever I see them it just destroys my mood. The rest of the days this week I could ignore it but it was just too strong today. I know it sounds bad but I get angry because I can’t get that in my life, you know? Beautiful girls I guess. I don’t know, I hate to think about it because it doesn’t make sense and it makes me sound like a bad person but I don’t really know a softer way to put it. Earlier this week I got into a fight with my dad. I pretty much got sick of his shit and told him off. He just refuses to put effort into our relationship and expects me to do all the work. My therapist and I suspect that this leads to that feeling of unwantedness and dejection that I feel whenever I see those girls. Tbh it’s not even about those girls specifically, I don’t even know them. It’s more about what they represent in my mind. Idk man.
  18. I had the same experience, although not with side effects. I would up my dose, feel fine for a while and then revert back to the way I was, over and over again until we switched. I’m still working on it but I know fluoxetine isn’t for me
  19. 2019 has been a roller coaster of terrible. After losing my best friend in October of 2018 it’s been a slow burn, bringing to the surface a bunch of old feelings about my dad leaving my family and about all the people I’ve lost and am going to lose. We’ve been trying new medicines for 3 years now, nothing works in the long term. The longest I went in a good place was for a few months in 2017 when I think i was on fluoxetine. Anyways I was trying really hard to fill the gap that my friend left in my heart and in the process I lost another good friend just out of nowhere. I didn’t get into a fight with either of them, they just parted ways with me for some reasons. It really hurts, you know? In therapy I realized just how much it was connected to my dad because when I lost my best friend it was like losing my dad all over again. The emotions were still raw under everything. They still are, and I kind of hate it. For a while I’ll be fine and then out of nowhere I’ll be awful. This has truly been my worst year since 2016. Lately it feels like the moods swing more rapidly than before, it’s been on an upward trend since 2017. I’m just upset. I’m upset because I’m upset.
  20. Listening to my stepdad talk about the trans bathroom issue makes me irrationally angry. Like to the point where I have to distance myself from him before I explode. I have a history with gender dysphoria and knowing what it feels like I just can’t stand transphobia. How do i deal with hearing things that make me mad?
  21. Thanks for your insights. That’s the reason I’m so hesitant to embrace that part of me, including that the time I tried a few years ago blew up in my face. I just can’t help but be skeptical of myself.
  22. I go to a therapist and less often a psychiatrist. They agree that it’s probably just a function of my depression
  23. I’ve posted about this elsewhere on the forums but I figured why not, right? For the past 3 years, so since the end of 8th grade, I’ve been dealing with on and off gender discontentment. I don’t want to call it dysphoria but I think that’s what it is. These feelings only ever come around when I’m depressed. It’s like one week I can be totally confident being a man and the next I hate everything about it. It makes me upset how distant a future where I can be relieved of my gendered duties is when I’m depressed. It’s been seeping more and more into my right-minded subconscious I think, or I’m just more depressed lately, because I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Idk. What do you think?
  24. Remember, depression causes distancing, not the other way around. I would recommend talking to a professional about how you’re feeling.
  25. Depression has definitely come between some of my relationships. I broke up with my first girlfriend because my depressive thoughts kept telling me it was a bad idea and I was afraid to be hurt. Luckily I think I made the right decision, but that can’t be said for everyone. I’ve also known of a few depressed men who find it difficult to stay committed to one girl. Either way, I’m very sorry that this happened to you and I hope something good can come from this loss.
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