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Cent

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Everything posted by Cent

  1. I kind of realized just now that i am insecure about literally every part of my body. From my head to my toes. I dont know why I"m just now thinking about this. I recently came to the conclusion that i have body dysmorphia but i hadn't really analyzed the extent of it, but for the last few days my mood has been horrible and (I've been really contemplative and I was thinking about it. I hate my feet, my calves, my thighs, my pubic area, my tummy, my chest, my arms, my hands, my beard, my hair, It really is everything that i hate. Laying this out like this is making me emotional because it feels so hopeless. There are actions i can take to change the things i dont like about myself like exercise but living like this in the meantime is really ******* me. I see beautiful people online and i just want to be like them. I've been contemplating Hormone replacement therapy becasue of reduced hair growth and muscle mass and softening features. I think im trans, i wish i was born a girl but for some reason i doubt myself. Seeing beautiful trans people wounds me so deeply because i could be like them if i wanted but i just dont know what decision to make. Its swirling around in my mind incessantly. Am i trans or do i just hate my identity and my body?
  2. Most of my immediate family visited which means there were 10 ish people in my house including their spouses. I made an effort to talk to my sister but being around her brings up a lot of painful feelings, the same with my other older sister as well. I always wish I looked like my younger sister and her being so pretty is just a reminder to me that I don't like how I look. I need to continue working with my therapist about my body dysmorphia. Anyways like i was saying I did make an effort to hang out with my sister which was nice but I didn't expect these old feelings to be drudged up once again. My desire to look feminine has resurfaced, I'm still back and forth on the gender identity thing. I figure step one should be to just try to lose weight and be more happy with my body as it is before I try to make any changes. The nagging feeling of inadequacy that comes along with my body dysmorphia really makes my depression worse. I also asked out a girl and got rejected lol, I'm not too upset about it. Just annoying, you know? I wish something would go my way. Either way I have plans with a potential new friend who is female coming up so that makes up for it. She's my mom's friend's daughter and is autistic. I dont know why but I always get along with autistic people, who knows. But yeah things are technically better but I dont feel anywhere near 100 percent. Anyways that's how my month went.
  3. So my depression has bene really bad. I'm having my friend over from out of state for the summer but since I've been isolated for the past 8 months and my depression is really bad I haven't been able to fully engage with them. They're frustrated and unhappy. My parents and my friend think that I should put more effort in to engaging with my friend but I just can't. I'm at a low right now. This friend is like my brother but he's been talking about like how this is going to affect our relationship in the future and that maybe it would be better after this is over to be more distant with each other. Honestly this really pisses me off because we have put so much emotional energy into our relationship and we were supposed to be loyal long term friends. I told him that our relationship won't change unless we want it to. It really makes me mad that one week of discomfort because of my illness that I cannot control is enough to make him fold under pressure. I have to live with this disease every day and he couldn't handle it for one week. Hell, he started talking to me about how it bothered him 3 days into his stay. I don't know, am I in the wrong? He feels socially isolated because he doesn't know anyone here and I'm not able to fully engage with him, although I have been trying. I told him that i get that the situation sucks and that it didnt work out how we wanted it but this is what my life is like and there's not a lot I can do to control it on a day to day basis. I dont know, am I the jerk?
  4. Cent

    So stuck

    Yeah thats my plan right now. Its just getting there that's taking forever. I'm trying to apply to a college but i need to write an essay and my adhd is just stopping me from doing so. I do go to counseling right now, just not as often as id like. my parents do know about me being trans and theyre not unsupportive but they are kind of implicitly against it, like they just say rude things sometimes.
  5. I'm so stuck right now. I have dental bills that are going to be around 2000 dollars and my parents want me to get more hours to be able to help them pay for it.n My stepdad thinks that working 30 hours a week will help my mental health but the idea of doing that makes me want to explode.Right now I'm working 15 to 20 hours per week. I guess I'm going to have to increase to at least 25 hours a week but i really dont want to. I'm trying to balance school and work and if i do poorly in school this semester I'm completely screwed and I wont get any financial support from my parents anymore. I'm planning on moving to massachusetts for college but my parents dont think i can do it. They also confronted me today on how i look. They basically said i look like crap and reiterated that over and over and said that i should have more respect for myself with how i dress. They basically said that everyone who sees me thinks i look like crap and is judging me for it so thats really cool. I've been painting my nails and keeping them long, im a pre transition trans person, and my parents are going to make me keep them short. The idea of them policing how i look makes me insanely uncomfortable. I just want to die to be honest this feels so effing impossible. I tried to sleep but i just couldnt make my brain calm down. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore my mental illness is ruining my life. I just want to be away from my parents. I just want to be able to live.
  6. The last few months since I posted have been horrible. I still have no friends in my new state, I just go to work and come home and go to bed. On my days off I'm desperate to go somewhere when my mom goes out but she tries to talk to me and I'm just not mentally capable of reciprocating right now. I finally got a therapist here a few weeks ago which is good but our appointments are unfortunately a few weeks apart. After my last appointment I was obviously upset when I got into the car with my mom and she would just not stop asking me what was wrong to the point that I started crying and had to tell her that she was making me uncomfortable. Going to work is a welcomed break from having to be around my parents but working has been getting worse and worse for me mentally. My body issues have been getting worse day by day for the last who knows how long. A few weeks ago I was looking in the mirror and I saw the skin and facial hair of my father and it made me want to throw up, so I shaved. Looking at my face under the facial hair made me feel even worse because that's just what I looked like, there was nothing left to strip away. Whenever I see myself I just see a giant lugging intimidating man who I don't want to identify with. I've struggled with gender issues for about 5 years now and it's become so unbearable I feel like I cant ignore it anymore but thinking about the things my parents would say about me to my face or behind my back just makes me want to hide in my room forever until I can finally move out. I'm starting school in January so hopefully that can be my saving grace and that will also be when my drivers license test is which means I can leave the house more and drive myself to school. I'm going to have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas which both give me intense anxiety because interacting with my family is so painful that I usually just stay in my room until they guilt me into going downstairs or until they're having dinner. Either way I just kind of have to survive until january and then the rest of the school year.
  7. Well, I'm here now in my new house. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I feel like I should've stayed with my friends in my old town. I feel like complete garbage that I'm not going to be spending these years with them. Now down here I have nobody but my parents and lately I just don't talk to them. Especially my stepdad, it just usually doesn't turn out well. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like over the past month or two I've been way more messed up mentally than I've been able to recognize. I was downright stoic when I said goodbye to my best friend but now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake in the world. It's just, there was nothing I could do. I would've had to work 45 hours per week to live there and I still would barely scrape by. At least when that was my plan I had some sort of direction but now I just don't know what I should do moving forward with my life. My parents want me to go to community college but I get terrified thinking about whether or not I would even do well. I haven't gotten good grades since 6th grade when my mental health went downhill. I don't even know what I would go for. I've just been getting so overwhelmed when I think about anything other than what's in front of me but I don't have the time to just not worry about it.
  8. I don't think I've posted here in over a year at this point which is probably a good thing because I've been doing really good mental health wise, I just really need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Since I last posted I started working like 35 hours per week at Lowes but I don't work there anymore because I'm moving, which is the main cause of this post. During my time working there I stopped taking my meds. It wasn't like an uneducated decision or anything, I was just feeling really good so i decided to try to get off my meds and I felt the exact same. The fact that I was frequently depressed while on meds just made me think it might have been circumstantial. (Don't do this, talk to your doctor or therapist/psychiatrist first.) Anyways right now I'm 3 days away from moving. I honestly forgot what it was like to feel this bad, I'm trying really hard not to let myself go to the deepest darkest places which is why I'm writing this at 1 am. The idea of being away from my best friend and my support system gives me unbelievable amounts of stress and anxiety. During my time at Lowes I was trying to figure out a way for me to get an apartment with my friend but unless I was working like 45 hours per week I couldn't have made it work. Of course my sister is staying here and I was fully aware of the irony while I was helping her move stuff into her new apartment. Just being so far away from everyone and not having any idea of what I'm going to do when I move in terms of my future is ******* me. I was thinking about just going to school for arts or something because I need to do anything but honestly the idea terrifies me. I can't shake the massive anxiety spike whenever I think about it because of how massively I failed high school and community college last year. The only reason I was able to get through both times was getting saved by covid accommodations. I definitely don't think I could work and go to school at the same time. I've also been thinking about getting into YouTube as a career because I uploaded something I edited and it got like 500 views but that's not really reliable enough to make that my plan. Everything about my life feels so unsure right now and that's terrifying. I at least have my parents to fall back on in terms of financial security and a place to stay but I can't rely on them forever but I also don't want to be stuck earning minimum wage in ten years. All of that compounded with the fact that I'm not going to be able to spend my college years with my best friends. I can't just give them up and make new friends like it seems like my parents want me to, I really want to be around them for longer. I've only known most of them for around 2 years. Who even knows if I'll make friends down there, I'm not particularly sociable at work, I guess I can see it working if i go to school though. I don't know, this post is kind of a mess but I just needed to get my thoughts out so I have a shot of falling asleep tonight. Thanks if you've gotten to the end of this.
  9. The weight of the world's issues also casts a shadow over my mood sometimes. I'm not really sure how i cope with it besides distraction which i know isnt really the healthiest method, but sometimes it's all we have. You're definitely not alone in feeling this, so much of it just feels unsolvable. I try to take comfort in those around me and ground myself in my own surroundings instead of worrying about the world as a whole.
  10. Don't let anything make you believe it's too late for you. Just because society expects you to do all these things doesn't mean you're a failure for not having done them yet. People have different paces and obstacles that slow us down, and it sounds like yours are out of your control. You don't need to let the negative aspects of your life win though, I think everyone is capable of getting to the bigger brighter side of life at some point or another.
  11. My therapist introduced me to the concept of catastrophizing, an isolated incident being extrapolated into something much bigger. It's really easy for "My parent doesn't respect my opinion" or "my coworker doesnt respect my opinion" to turn into "I feel resentful because nobody respects my opinion." And I think that can be the case for everything listed. Just know, whoever's reading this, that these things dont define you or your worth.
  12. I decided I'm not returning to school for the spring semester. I think it would be a waste of money considering how poorly i did this semester. Right now i'm doing this because i have 8 assignments to make up for and im extremely overwhelmed. My parents have been taking away my phone because they think it will help my depression but my phone is my only coping mechanism. Every night they take my phone its like hell in my brain. I've been sneaking video games here and there but overall it sucks a lot. I tried to explain this to my parents but they just think it's withdrawals from my video game addiction which to me is ridiculous. It just feels really bad to be punished for not doing things that my depression makes it extremely hard to do like going outside and schoolwork and getting a job. I have an interview next week so hopefully theyll be more lenient if i get the job but im not sure that they will. So that's where i'm at, i have no idea how to get schoolwork done while i'm so depressed but i suppose i'll try.
  13. I have a final due at 12:00 AM today and I'm almost entirely sure I wont do it. My mom keeps telling me "Even though you dont want to do it you still have to" but I seriously don't know how I'm going to. My mood has been so bad that I've been laying in bed all day. I'm gonna have to drop out of college next semester, im wasting money on not learning anything. I don't think my parents are gonna take that well though. I know exactly what they're gonna say, "What are you going to do instead?" and i dont know the answer. The obvious thing is to get a job but i know that will be hard. It will probably be more beneficial for me mentally and financially than school though. I just cant bring myself to do my schoolwork, my brain is like a thunderstorm and i can't make it do anything that requires discipline. I just play video games all day because it distracts my brain from the dull pain in my head. My parents have started taking my things at 9 pm because my sleep schedule was really bad but all that makes me do it lie to them about not having anythijg else in my room and sneaking youtube videos with my old phone. It just feels awful to be punished for something that feels out of my control. My therapist thought it was a good idea so maybe they're not wrong to do so but it just feels terrible. They think that doing things like that will help solve my motivation problem but it really just means that instead of waking up at 12pm and feeling like crap i wake up at 9am and feel like crap. My brain fog is just so thick that I can't operate normally. I feel awful.
  14. I heavily reccommend a therapist to those who feel they can't speak to their friends and family. It may be an intimidating process to begin but i find it to be a fantastic resource.
  15. What are your thoughts on online dating? I figure it may be a good resource for those of us who have a hard time starting relationships, especially during the current situation.
  16. Everyone is welcome, the more the merrier.
  17. I've defintely had similar experiences. Dreaming of an old friend who's loss scarred my soul and waking up feeling disgusting for having dreamt of her. I've had the same happen for my ex girlfriend as well, it's a terrible feeling. You're not alone.
  18. Cent

    Denial

    This is kind of a continuation of my last post. My mom basically told me that she didn't want me to continue living here when they move. That means that when it happens I'll be leaving my friends, my support system. I'll also be leaving a great opportunity to work as an alumni with my high school on their theatre productions. I really don't know what I'll do if that comes to happen. My parents can't stop me from staying if I get a steady job and my license by the time they leave but I do need their support. My mom said that they don't have any actual plans yet for when they're moving so I'm assuming it won't be 9 months, I'll probably have some more time so that's good. I hope that by then I can get my license and a steady job so i can prove to them that I can handle it. The uncertainty is eating me up inside and there's not much I can really do about it. I talked to my therapist and she said that I should put more emphasis on getting my license over working because that's more of a long term goal and I agree, it's just that my parents are hyper focused on me getting a job. I've been isolating myself so much because I hate having that conversation with them. I can deal with my mom because she's more lenient but my stepdad is so adamant that getting a job is the most important priority in my life right now. I think he's frustrated about how quiet i am around him, it's just that i can't bear talking to him because of the possibility that the conversation may lead there. I also haven't been very open to my mom because i already know exactly what her answer will be if i try to express my feelings to her. She just tells me not to worry so much and to go with the flow. She has depression as well so I'd hope that she knows that's not really how it works. There's just so much tension. Not to mention that they always badger me about my college work because of my bad grades in high school, even though I've been doing fine in college and taking positive steps toward organization. I know that they think they're helping me but no matter how many times i tell them that they're not they don't seem to care. They just have no faith in me to not be a NEET, it's so discouraging.
  19. I havent been posting on here lately because I've managed to get a good support system to replace the one i lost. I guess thats a good thing. Its 3am but im too depressed to sleep, im posting here because everyone i know is sleeping. I just got rejected by another company and it ruined my day. My parents recently told me that they're moving in 9 months, so basically if i want to stay where i am with all my friends i need to get my license and a steady job. Im under so much pressure because both of these things are hindered by my mental illness. I got a job at subway and it made me want to give up because of how awful the work was and overworked i was by my managers. It scares me to think that i might have another experience like that, my parents want me to just apply to as many places as possible but the idea sounds terrible to me because i dont want to have a repeat experience. My mental health hasnt been this bad in a while. Since school ended basically. I knew that graduating would be hard, i basically have to balance college work and depression and it makes me want to cry. I wish i didnt have to be an adult, i wish the world would leave me alone. I know its impossible i just wish things didnt have to be this way. My parents are lenient luckily so they wont force me to work somewhere i didnt want to (they couldnt if they tried) but im very selfish about my mental illness because maintaining my mental health is my #1 priority in life. My parents dont really care how i feel when it comes to getting a job which sucks but at least they wont force me. Moving down with them would just be awful i dont even want to imagine. Away from my friends, surrounded by my stepdad's obnoxious family... it just sucks SO MUCH that i need to grow up this suddenly. Luckily my college work is mostly easy so far because its online but im anxious that online study wont teach me as well as in person, it kind of just feels like homework for every assignment because i only have one class that has meetings. Theres just so much to worry about right now including the possible separation of me from my support system it just makes me want to throw up emotionally. Im unfortunately slipping into my old thought habits but i try really hard to maintain my progress but after getting rejected again today it was so hard to do my homework. Idk thanks for reading if you did but this just sucks and im not happy with it.
  20. I can’t recommend therapy enough for getting these feelings out into the open and getting feedback on them from an objective third party.
  21. I texted a crisis hotline yesterday because I have nobody to turn to except my mom. She’s out of state and I know she would be so worried if she knew how I was feeling. My best friend who usually could help me through these things has become unresponsive. I tried to talk to him about it but he said that “pitying me is doing me no good” so now I don’t really have anywhere to go. Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to pick myself up and do things I don’t want to do but it’s not nearly that simple. they keep telling me to get a job or go out more but I just don’t want to. I want to crawl in bed and never get out but I know that’s not an option. I asked out this girl and she asked if we could stay friends. We have remained friends and it’s working out well but I can’t help but get that familiar stinging in my head whenever I see her looking beautiful. Sitting next to her in class kind of makes me want to vomit. i can’t do schoolwork, my mind is always elsewhere. I don’t think I’ve done any work in weeks. It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel
  22. It sounds like your family needs you a great deal. If they’re suffering so much why not be there to make their time a little better?
  23. My depression has been worse than usual lately since I changed meds to duloxetine. Just a warning I’m going to be using some pretty explicit language so this is your warning to click away if that stuff bothers you like it does to me. So I’ve been friends with this girl for a little bit. She’s sweet and attractive and emotionally mature and I think you could say I have a crush on her. On the day that this happened my depression had already been acting up but this was just the nail on the coffin. We were all making d**k jokes like any normal group of teenagers when suddenly the conversation turned toward actual sexual experiences. My friend started describing one time that she had sex with someone with a penis so large that she was in pain for the next few days. (Sorry for the language I just really want to be honest about the situation) Immediatey after she said that my head felt heavier, I felt like I was gonna throw up and die. I texted my friend about How I was feeling it and he said I should go to the nurse. I told my teacher I was getting picked up early and skipped the rest of class because If I had stayed there any longer I was afraid the other people around me would have noticed. I don’t know what if it was a panic attack or what but I’m still really scared about it. i really don’t want to be one of those guys that judges women for their sexual relationships but it caused such a visceral reaction within me. That sort of feeing happens whenever someone my age talks about sex but I think it was amplified because It was with a girl that I was actively interested in. I mean, I’m still interested in her, she’s still awesome and it’s not like having sex changes anything about her. I don’t know, man. Ive been feeling like garbage ever since and I just broke down and cried again so I figured I would post on here to see anyone’s opinions. so whenever I hang out with my friend Sam my parents always nag me about getting a job. It makes me feel like absolute garbage because I feel inadequate, I don’t think I’m ready for a job especially if I’m going to be in a depressive state like this. Anyways usually Sam agrees with them and they all tell me I should get a job whenever I say I want anything and it just makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear. I think he’s mad at me because I asked if he could leave my house earlier than he expected today, but I seriously couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was gonna explode and I still do. It’s 1:30 am as I’m writing this and I’m too upset to sleep. I don’t know, I just feel like crap.
  24. So a new thing happened a few days after my last post. My sister wanted to get Japanese food because it was our last day before school so that’s what we ate. When we sat down everything was fine, I didn’t talk a lot because I felt like crap but that’s not anything extraordinary. So then my stepdad asked me “have you applied to any other jobs yet”. He’s been bothering me about this for the past few weeks and it’s freaking me out, but I’ll circle back to that. So I responded “can we not talk about this?” I tried to not sound rude and I honestly don’t think I did but it’s all kind of a blur. So then my mom chimed in and said “he’s just making conversation” to which i just said “I just don’t want to talk about it.” After that my stepdad did his obvious tics for when he’s upset and muttered “this is rediculous.” Those words have sorta been lingering in my head since then. I just didn’t want to talk about it, I’m already stressed as all hell because of existential dread and the ever looming threat of age and responsibility. I think he just doesn’t understand the way I’m feeling because he lived a pretty normal nuclear family life and I didn’t. I don’t know. My mom and I are hopefully going to my therapist on Thursday so hopefully i remember to read this post to her or something. It’s just so hard to talk about because I know she’s gonna just tell me that “life is short so I might as well enjoy it”, like I know but that doesn’t change the way I feel. Anyways.. today was the first day of school and it was fine, reconnected with some people and stuff. I broke my headphones though so that sucks lol.
  25. Thank you so much for this response, it means more than you know.
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