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Cent

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About Cent

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  1. I empathize with you a lot. My mental health puts me at odds with my family often too but we’ve come a long way. For one my mom understands what it’s like to live with depression so she gives me a lot of leniency. If I was you I would try to explain your feelings to your family as best as possible so that they might understand why you act the way you do.
  2. I wish I could go back and do all the things I never could with my dad. I wish he never had left so I could cry into his shoulder every time I needed to instead of my pillow. I wish he could have taught me how to shave or do math or talk to people like a man instead of having to do it myself. I wish he prioritized me enough to even come see me on prom night or my brothers graduation. I wish he and my mom never had to part ways. I wish he could’ve just been a good person.
  3. Cent

    Girls

    So today was the second to last day of school and I skipped all my classes because of course. I’ve been feeling great all week until today. There’s this group of girls that whenever I see them it just destroys my mood. The rest of the days this week I could ignore it but it was just too strong today. I know it sounds bad but I get angry because I can’t get that in my life, you know? Beautiful girls I guess. I don’t know, I hate to think about it because it doesn’t make sense and it makes me sound like a bad person but I don’t really know a softer way to put it. Earlier this week I got into a fight with my dad. I pretty much got sick of his shit and told him off. He just refuses to put effort into our relationship and expects me to do all the work. My therapist and I suspect that this leads to that feeling of unwantedness and dejection that I feel whenever I see those girls. Tbh it’s not even about those girls specifically, I don’t even know them. It’s more about what they represent in my mind. Idk man.
  4. I had the same experience, although not with side effects. I would up my dose, feel fine for a while and then revert back to the way I was, over and over again until we switched. I’m still working on it but I know fluoxetine isn’t for me
  5. 2019 has been a roller coaster of terrible. After losing my best friend in October of 2018 it’s been a slow burn, bringing to the surface a bunch of old feelings about my dad leaving my family and about all the people I’ve lost and am going to lose. We’ve been trying new medicines for 3 years now, nothing works in the long term. The longest I went in a good place was for a few months in 2017 when I think i was on fluoxetine. Anyways I was trying really hard to fill the gap that my friend left in my heart and in the process I lost another good friend just out of nowhere. I didn’t get into a fight with either of them, they just parted ways with me for some reasons. It really hurts, you know? In therapy I realized just how much it was connected to my dad because when I lost my best friend it was like losing my dad all over again. The emotions were still raw under everything. They still are, and I kind of hate it. For a while I’ll be fine and then out of nowhere I’ll be awful. This has truly been my worst year since 2016. Lately it feels like the moods swing more rapidly than before, it’s been on an upward trend since 2017. I’m just upset. I’m upset because I’m upset.
  6. Listening to my stepdad talk about the trans bathroom issue makes me irrationally angry. Like to the point where I have to distance myself from him before I explode. I have a history with gender dysphoria and knowing what it feels like I just can’t stand transphobia. How do i deal with hearing things that make me mad?
  7. Thanks for your insights. That’s the reason I’m so hesitant to embrace that part of me, including that the time I tried a few years ago blew up in my face. I just can’t help but be skeptical of myself.
  8. I go to a therapist and less often a psychiatrist. They agree that it’s probably just a function of my depression
  9. I’ve posted about this elsewhere on the forums but I figured why not, right? For the past 3 years, so since the end of 8th grade, I’ve been dealing with on and off gender discontentment. I don’t want to call it dysphoria but I think that’s what it is. These feelings only ever come around when I’m depressed. It’s like one week I can be totally confident being a man and the next I hate everything about it. It makes me upset how distant a future where I can be relieved of my gendered duties is when I’m depressed. It’s been seeping more and more into my right-minded subconscious I think, or I’m just more depressed lately, because I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Idk. What do you think?
  10. Remember, depression causes distancing, not the other way around. I would recommend talking to a professional about how you’re feeling.
  11. Depression has definitely come between some of my relationships. I broke up with my first girlfriend because my depressive thoughts kept telling me it was a bad idea and I was afraid to be hurt. Luckily I think I made the right decision, but that can’t be said for everyone. I’ve also known of a few depressed men who find it difficult to stay committed to one girl. Either way, I’m very sorry that this happened to you and I hope something good can come from this loss.
  12. I’m in school right now. Because I don’t take good enough care of my teeth I need to get a root canal. Because of this my mood has been in the toilet since Thursday. My brother and fathers have always had dental problems and I sort of prized myself on my dental health, undeservedly so. Exestentialism has been a newly prominent part of my depression now. I can’t help but focus on my lack of a purpose. I know that there are plenty of reasons for me to live, be it my family or my friends or my work but none of it seems enough. Freshmen make me sad. It’s hard to watch them start as just kids and turn into cynical pieces of garbage like me. I sort of watched it happen to a girl that was on my bus, but she’s not a piece of garbage I guess. I don’t know. Luckily I have a therapist appointment today but sometimes it’s hard to say what’s really bothering me even though I completely trust her and am usually comfortable talking. I just can’t help but be angry at myself. I can’t take care of my teeth, I’m not attractive enough, I don’t try hard enough in school, I can’t get a date, and then I get mad at the world for making me like this. Ive recovered many times before and I’ll do it again but it still sucks
  13. I already take two doses of bupropion per day and I know it works for me. We’re just trying to find a supplementary to take me from 70% ok to over 90%. I hope i start to feel the effects soon so I can judge whether or not I should keep taking this stuff.
  14. I’m in school right now and I’ve got that familiar feeling of a ton of bricks weighing down my spirit. I’m switching from selexa to Zoloft while continuing to take bupropion. I feel like absolute garbage. Usually when I take a new med it works for the first weekish that I take it and then gets iffy but this has had the least amount of time in between. I can’t help but think about how much life sucks and my old issues with gender and self images are creeping back up. This sucks.
  15. You could talk to him about it. I bet he’d have some interesting thoughts on the matter. Also a fresh opinion isn’t never a bad thing.
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