Jump to content

Cent

Member
  • Posts

    120
  • Joined

  • Last visited

1 Follower

Recent Profile Visitors

1,266 profile views

Cent's Achievements

Junior Member

Junior Member (3/9)

37

Reputation

  1. Well, I'm here now in my new house. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I feel like I should've stayed with my friends in my old town. I feel like complete garbage that I'm not going to be spending these years with them. Now down here I have nobody but my parents and lately I just don't talk to them. Especially my stepdad, it just usually doesn't turn out well. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like over the past month or two I've been way more messed up mentally than I've been able to recognize. I was downright stoic when I said goodbye to my best friend but now I feel like I've made the biggest mistake in the world. It's just, there was nothing I could do. I would've had to work 45 hours per week to live there and I still would barely scrape by. At least when that was my plan I had some sort of direction but now I just don't know what I should do moving forward with my life. My parents want me to go to community college but I get terrified thinking about whether or not I would even do well. I haven't gotten good grades since 6th grade when my mental health went downhill. I don't even know what I would go for. I've just been getting so overwhelmed when I think about anything other than what's in front of me but I don't have the time to just not worry about it.
  2. I don't think I've posted here in over a year at this point which is probably a good thing because I've been doing really good mental health wise, I just really need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Since I last posted I started working like 35 hours per week at Lowes but I don't work there anymore because I'm moving, which is the main cause of this post. During my time working there I stopped taking my meds. It wasn't like an uneducated decision or anything, I was just feeling really good so i decided to try to get off my meds and I felt the exact same. The fact that I was frequently depressed while on meds just made me think it might have been circumstantial. (Don't do this, talk to your doctor or therapist/psychiatrist first.) Anyways right now I'm 3 days away from moving. I honestly forgot what it was like to feel this bad, I'm trying really hard not to let myself go to the deepest darkest places which is why I'm writing this at 1 am. The idea of being away from my best friend and my support system gives me unbelievable amounts of stress and anxiety. During my time at Lowes I was trying to figure out a way for me to get an apartment with my friend but unless I was working like 45 hours per week I couldn't have made it work. Of course my sister is staying here and I was fully aware of the irony while I was helping her move stuff into her new apartment. Just being so far away from everyone and not having any idea of what I'm going to do when I move in terms of my future is ******* me. I was thinking about just going to school for arts or something because I need to do anything but honestly the idea terrifies me. I can't shake the massive anxiety spike whenever I think about it because of how massively I failed high school and community college last year. The only reason I was able to get through both times was getting saved by covid accommodations. I definitely don't think I could work and go to school at the same time. I've also been thinking about getting into YouTube as a career because I uploaded something I edited and it got like 500 views but that's not really reliable enough to make that my plan. Everything about my life feels so unsure right now and that's terrifying. I at least have my parents to fall back on in terms of financial security and a place to stay but I can't rely on them forever but I also don't want to be stuck earning minimum wage in ten years. All of that compounded with the fact that I'm not going to be able to spend my college years with my best friends. I can't just give them up and make new friends like it seems like my parents want me to, I really want to be around them for longer. I've only known most of them for around 2 years. Who even knows if I'll make friends down there, I'm not particularly sociable at work, I guess I can see it working if i go to school though. I don't know, this post is kind of a mess but I just needed to get my thoughts out so I have a shot of falling asleep tonight. Thanks if you've gotten to the end of this.
  3. The weight of the world's issues also casts a shadow over my mood sometimes. I'm not really sure how i cope with it besides distraction which i know isnt really the healthiest method, but sometimes it's all we have. You're definitely not alone in feeling this, so much of it just feels unsolvable. I try to take comfort in those around me and ground myself in my own surroundings instead of worrying about the world as a whole.
  4. Don't let anything make you believe it's too late for you. Just because society expects you to do all these things doesn't mean you're a failure for not having done them yet. People have different paces and obstacles that slow us down, and it sounds like yours are out of your control. You don't need to let the negative aspects of your life win though, I think everyone is capable of getting to the bigger brighter side of life at some point or another.
  5. My therapist introduced me to the concept of catastrophizing, an isolated incident being extrapolated into something much bigger. It's really easy for "My parent doesn't respect my opinion" or "my coworker doesnt respect my opinion" to turn into "I feel resentful because nobody respects my opinion." And I think that can be the case for everything listed. Just know, whoever's reading this, that these things dont define you or your worth.
  6. I decided I'm not returning to school for the spring semester. I think it would be a waste of money considering how poorly i did this semester. Right now i'm doing this because i have 8 assignments to make up for and im extremely overwhelmed. My parents have been taking away my phone because they think it will help my depression but my phone is my only coping mechanism. Every night they take my phone its like hell in my brain. I've been sneaking video games here and there but overall it sucks a lot. I tried to explain this to my parents but they just think it's withdrawals from my video game addiction which to me is ridiculous. It just feels really bad to be punished for not doing things that my depression makes it extremely hard to do like going outside and schoolwork and getting a job. I have an interview next week so hopefully theyll be more lenient if i get the job but im not sure that they will. So that's where i'm at, i have no idea how to get schoolwork done while i'm so depressed but i suppose i'll try.
  7. I have a final due at 12:00 AM today and I'm almost entirely sure I wont do it. My mom keeps telling me "Even though you dont want to do it you still have to" but I seriously don't know how I'm going to. My mood has been so bad that I've been laying in bed all day. I'm gonna have to drop out of college next semester, im wasting money on not learning anything. I don't think my parents are gonna take that well though. I know exactly what they're gonna say, "What are you going to do instead?" and i dont know the answer. The obvious thing is to get a job but i know that will be hard. It will probably be more beneficial for me mentally and financially than school though. I just cant bring myself to do my schoolwork, my brain is like a thunderstorm and i can't make it do anything that requires discipline. I just play video games all day because it distracts my brain from the dull pain in my head. My parents have started taking my things at 9 pm because my sleep schedule was really bad but all that makes me do it lie to them about not having anythijg else in my room and sneaking youtube videos with my old phone. It just feels awful to be punished for something that feels out of my control. My therapist thought it was a good idea so maybe they're not wrong to do so but it just feels terrible. They think that doing things like that will help solve my motivation problem but it really just means that instead of waking up at 12pm and feeling like crap i wake up at 9am and feel like crap. My brain fog is just so thick that I can't operate normally. I feel awful.
  8. I heavily reccommend a therapist to those who feel they can't speak to their friends and family. It may be an intimidating process to begin but i find it to be a fantastic resource.
  9. What are your thoughts on online dating? I figure it may be a good resource for those of us who have a hard time starting relationships, especially during the current situation.
  10. Everyone is welcome, the more the merrier.
  11. I've defintely had similar experiences. Dreaming of an old friend who's loss scarred my soul and waking up feeling disgusting for having dreamt of her. I've had the same happen for my ex girlfriend as well, it's a terrible feeling. You're not alone.
  12. Cent

    Denial

    This is kind of a continuation of my last post. My mom basically told me that she didn't want me to continue living here when they move. That means that when it happens I'll be leaving my friends, my support system. I'll also be leaving a great opportunity to work as an alumni with my high school on their theatre productions. I really don't know what I'll do if that comes to happen. My parents can't stop me from staying if I get a steady job and my license by the time they leave but I do need their support. My mom said that they don't have any actual plans yet for when they're moving so I'm assuming it won't be 9 months, I'll probably have some more time so that's good. I hope that by then I can get my license and a steady job so i can prove to them that I can handle it. The uncertainty is eating me up inside and there's not much I can really do about it. I talked to my therapist and she said that I should put more emphasis on getting my license over working because that's more of a long term goal and I agree, it's just that my parents are hyper focused on me getting a job. I've been isolating myself so much because I hate having that conversation with them. I can deal with my mom because she's more lenient but my stepdad is so adamant that getting a job is the most important priority in my life right now. I think he's frustrated about how quiet i am around him, it's just that i can't bear talking to him because of the possibility that the conversation may lead there. I also haven't been very open to my mom because i already know exactly what her answer will be if i try to express my feelings to her. She just tells me not to worry so much and to go with the flow. She has depression as well so I'd hope that she knows that's not really how it works. There's just so much tension. Not to mention that they always badger me about my college work because of my bad grades in high school, even though I've been doing fine in college and taking positive steps toward organization. I know that they think they're helping me but no matter how many times i tell them that they're not they don't seem to care. They just have no faith in me to not be a NEET, it's so discouraging.
  13. I havent been posting on here lately because I've managed to get a good support system to replace the one i lost. I guess thats a good thing. Its 3am but im too depressed to sleep, im posting here because everyone i know is sleeping. I just got rejected by another company and it ruined my day. My parents recently told me that they're moving in 9 months, so basically if i want to stay where i am with all my friends i need to get my license and a steady job. Im under so much pressure because both of these things are hindered by my mental illness. I got a job at subway and it made me want to give up because of how awful the work was and overworked i was by my managers. It scares me to think that i might have another experience like that, my parents want me to just apply to as many places as possible but the idea sounds terrible to me because i dont want to have a repeat experience. My mental health hasnt been this bad in a while. Since school ended basically. I knew that graduating would be hard, i basically have to balance college work and depression and it makes me want to cry. I wish i didnt have to be an adult, i wish the world would leave me alone. I know its impossible i just wish things didnt have to be this way. My parents are lenient luckily so they wont force me to work somewhere i didnt want to (they couldnt if they tried) but im very selfish about my mental illness because maintaining my mental health is my #1 priority in life. My parents dont really care how i feel when it comes to getting a job which sucks but at least they wont force me. Moving down with them would just be awful i dont even want to imagine. Away from my friends, surrounded by my stepdad's obnoxious family... it just sucks SO MUCH that i need to grow up this suddenly. Luckily my college work is mostly easy so far because its online but im anxious that online study wont teach me as well as in person, it kind of just feels like homework for every assignment because i only have one class that has meetings. Theres just so much to worry about right now including the possible separation of me from my support system it just makes me want to throw up emotionally. Im unfortunately slipping into my old thought habits but i try really hard to maintain my progress but after getting rejected again today it was so hard to do my homework. Idk thanks for reading if you did but this just sucks and im not happy with it.
  14. I can’t recommend therapy enough for getting these feelings out into the open and getting feedback on them from an objective third party.
  15. I texted a crisis hotline yesterday because I have nobody to turn to except my mom. She’s out of state and I know she would be so worried if she knew how I was feeling. My best friend who usually could help me through these things has become unresponsive. I tried to talk to him about it but he said that “pitying me is doing me no good” so now I don’t really have anywhere to go. Everyone keeps telling me that I just need to pick myself up and do things I don’t want to do but it’s not nearly that simple. they keep telling me to get a job or go out more but I just don’t want to. I want to crawl in bed and never get out but I know that’s not an option. I asked out this girl and she asked if we could stay friends. We have remained friends and it’s working out well but I can’t help but get that familiar stinging in my head whenever I see her looking beautiful. Sitting next to her in class kind of makes me want to vomit. i can’t do schoolwork, my mind is always elsewhere. I don’t think I’ve done any work in weeks. It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel
×
×
  • Create New...