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Cent

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About Cent

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  1. My depression has been worse than usual lately since I changed meds to duloxetine. Just a warning I’m going to be using some pretty explicit language so this is your warning to click away if that stuff bothers you like it does to me. So I’ve been friends with this girl for a little bit. She’s sweet and attractive and emotionally mature and I think you could say I have a crush on her. On the day that this happened my depression had already been acting up but this was just the nail on the coffin. We were all making d**k jokes like any normal group of teenagers when suddenly the conversation turned toward actual sexual experiences. My friend started describing one time that she had sex with someone with a penis so large that she was in pain for the next few days. (Sorry for the language I just really want to be honest about the situation) Immediatey after she said that my head felt heavier, I felt like I was gonna throw up and die. I texted my friend about How I was feeling it and he said I should go to the nurse. I told my teacher I was getting picked up early and skipped the rest of class because If I had stayed there any longer I was afraid the other people around me would have noticed. I don’t know what if it was a panic attack or what but I’m still really scared about it. i really don’t want to be one of those guys that judges women for their sexual relationships but it caused such a visceral reaction within me. That sort of feeing happens whenever someone my age talks about sex but I think it was amplified because It was with a girl that I was actively interested in. I mean, I’m still interested in her, she’s still awesome and it’s not like having sex changes anything about her. I don’t know, man. Ive been feeling like garbage ever since and I just broke down and cried again so I figured I would post on here to see anyone’s opinions. so whenever I hang out with my friend Sam my parents always nag me about getting a job. It makes me feel like absolute garbage because I feel inadequate, I don’t think I’m ready for a job especially if I’m going to be in a depressive state like this. Anyways usually Sam agrees with them and they all tell me I should get a job whenever I say I want anything and it just makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear. I think he’s mad at me because I asked if he could leave my house earlier than he expected today, but I seriously couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was gonna explode and I still do. It’s 1:30 am as I’m writing this and I’m too upset to sleep. I don’t know, I just feel like crap.
  2. So a new thing happened a few days after my last post. My sister wanted to get Japanese food because it was our last day before school so that’s what we ate. When we sat down everything was fine, I didn’t talk a lot because I felt like crap but that’s not anything extraordinary. So then my stepdad asked me “have you applied to any other jobs yet”. He’s been bothering me about this for the past few weeks and it’s freaking me out, but I’ll circle back to that. So I responded “can we not talk about this?” I tried to not sound rude and I honestly don’t think I did but it’s all kind of a blur. So then my mom chimed in and said “he’s just making conversation” to which i just said “I just don’t want to talk about it.” After that my stepdad did his obvious tics for when he’s upset and muttered “this is rediculous.” Those words have sorta been lingering in my head since then. I just didn’t want to talk about it, I’m already stressed as all hell because of existential dread and the ever looming threat of age and responsibility. I think he just doesn’t understand the way I’m feeling because he lived a pretty normal nuclear family life and I didn’t. I don’t know. My mom and I are hopefully going to my therapist on Thursday so hopefully i remember to read this post to her or something. It’s just so hard to talk about because I know she’s gonna just tell me that “life is short so I might as well enjoy it”, like I know but that doesn’t change the way I feel. Anyways.. today was the first day of school and it was fine, reconnected with some people and stuff. I broke my headphones though so that sucks lol.
  3. Thank you so much for this response, it means more than you know.
  4. So today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. My mom said some things that really offended me because I had no idea she felt that way. She said that my social anxiety is uncomfortable for her and others to be around and that she walks on eggshells around me because she doesn’t know what will trigger my depression. I’m just sitting here thinking about it and I feel like that’s just one more reason to avoid people, so I don’t burden them. I don’t know if I really believe that but I don’t think that was what I needed to hear. She also got on me for my opinion of my stepfather. She thinks that because he’s better than my biological father that I shouldn’t criticize him so much. The thing is though that just because he’s good to me doesn’t make him not annoying as hell sometimes. I don’t know. I thought she understood what I go through and that was why she didn’t bother me but I guess it’s just because she didn’t want to deal with it. So I dont really know what to do now, it’s not like I can just stop having social anxiety. Oh yeah and one more thing was screen time. She hates that I sit alone in my room all day playing video games. She seems to know that it’s like a mind pacifier so I don’t have to worry about everything but she thinks that the screen time is also a cause of it. I mean that could be true but I still don’t want to go through the day without my mind occupied. I don’t know man.
  5. Keep being insistent, there’s no excuse for them not doing anything.
  6. Take this exact message and send it to the police department.
  7. Lately I’ve been getting into it with my parents about waking me up. The worst feeling on earth is being woken up in an obnoxious loud way. My stepdad is proficient at this as he opens my door, opens my blinds and yells for me to wake up, and then leaves with the door still open. He has no idea what it’s like to stay up all night because your thoughts scare you from sleep only to have it shoved back in your face in the morning. i think I have been sleeping later for two reasons; a) I have been having trouble sleeping because of increasingly invasive nihilistic thoughts whenever my mind is at rest, or b) I have been subconsciously trying to spend less time awake in the day. It feels like I have been wasting away in my room for the past few weeks and I don’t really know how to fix it. The obvious thing to do is to go out more but my parents don’t want to spend the money to eat out and they’re always working so we can’t ever just go somewhere fun. I have a gym membership but my motivation has just been destroyed by this feeling of dread that’s been creeping up on me. i keep my brain constantly pacified, whether it be with video games or twitter or music. It seems like whenever my thoughts are left to their own devices they always go to the worst places, which is part of my problem falling asleep. I can’t shake that nagging feeling that nothing I do matters. My parents have been trying to get me to sign up for some auxiliary classes because it’s my last year in high school and I’ve done literally nothing with my time. i need to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist to try and change my prescription somehow. I’ve been on every basic depression med I can think of but without long term effects to show for it. I hope I don’t run out of options.
  8. Don’t hold back. Make sure you say everything that’s on your mind, because that’s the only way to truly fix things. Also try not to make a quick judgement of the therapist, it’s always weird and awkward at first but you’ll get to know each other.
  9. It’s my cousins wedding on Saturday and I have to see my dad. I don’t really know how it’s gonna go, or how I’m gonna act toward him. My mom wants me to explain to my grandma exactly why I don’t want to stay at her house but I can’t gather the energy to do it. My dad lies to his family about me and my mom to try to make it seem as though it’s our fault, so my mom wants me to do this to stop that. I don’t really know what to do, I can’t reallt feel strongly enough either way and that’s frustrating. I mean, I think it would be a good thing to do to tell my grandma the truth, but I don’t know if she’d accept it that way coming from a kid. There’s no guarantee that it would change things for the better, but it wouldn’t change for the worse either. Idk, I’ve been feeling really meh as of late and I don’t know why.
  10. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Just know that lack of experience doesn’t make you undatable. People don’t find their life partners because of how experienced they are, people find their life partners because they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. In dating you will fail, and sometimes it takes longer to fail than others. But in the end finding the right person for you is worth it. I would suggest not giving up, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
  11. Cent

    Beauty

    Everyone thinks they know who they are but that’s before life throws in its two cents
  12. Cent

    Beauty

    Thanks man, your words mean a lot to me. You have a valuable perspective considering how much older you are than me. I’m having a really hard time keeping my personality separate from the categories you speak of. I don’t think I really fit into one and that bothers me for some reason. I guess it’s kind of a fear of missing out maybe.
  13. Cent

    Beauty

    So I’ve been thinking about my gender identity again, which is really scary for me. I think I came to a revelation about some things. I was watching a few videos defining gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia and I don’t think I have either. I wrote this down earlier today, “I don’t experience gender dysphoria not body dysmorphia. I just want to be attractive, but the difference between me and most people is that my limits don’t end with my gender. I don’t limit myself to just being an attractive guy, I could also be an attractive girl.” So yeah. Sometimes when I see an attractive girl I think “damn I wish I could look like her” but not because I’m a girl, because I want to be attractive. I don’t know why but the traditional masculine way of being attractive just isn’t appealing to me, you know? I don’t really know what that means in terms of my gender identity, because I’m not a girl, I generally don’t fee uncomfortable being referred to as man. However I don’t feel especially uncomfortable with being referred to as a woman. Honestly I’ve thought to myself several times in the past about how my dream would be to just be able to flip a switch to be both. At this point I’m just really confused. I’m putting this in depression central because often these feelings only come up when I’m depressed which is also confusing.
  14. Cent

    Ugly

    I feel like garbage constantly. My mom always tries to get me to stop hiding in my room and playing video games but those are the only things that distract me from it all. I can’t shake the feeling that Emily and my dad thought I wasn’t good enough to make sacrifices for. And then I feel guilty because that’s a selfish line of thought. I feel like a fat loser all the time, and I don’t have any friends any more who can console me. I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks so I’m hoping we can clear some stuff up there but for now everything just kinda sucks.
  15. I lost my best friend 9 months ago. Her boyfriend said she could talk to me anymore and poof, she’s gone. She didn’t want this, she said she just couldn’t handle her boyfriend when he was upset with her. He was a jealous dude. either way it’s been 9 months since I last saw her. I’m still so hurt by it. She helped me through a terrible part of my life, taught me how to be a human again and now she’s just gone. Losing her was like losing my dad again. I just can’t help but think back to the good times we had together and how happy I was to have a friendship like we had. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I feel so alone now, I keep losing people. My other friend stopped talking to me because it’s made her u ncomfortable that people thought we should date, my other other friend moved an hour away. I just want people I can cry with again. I want people who can make me happy again. I can’t sleep now because I’m so sad.
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