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starbucksjunkee

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Everything posted by starbucksjunkee

  1. I am just now posting on this topic and I see there are hundreds of posts. I am so glad I'm not alone. I live with Bipolar 1, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder OCPD, Aspergers Syndrome, mild to severe social anxiety depending on situation, and driving anxiety. My first diagnoses were OCD, OCPD, and Panic Attacks. I was obsessed with the t.v. show Felicity because I wanted to find a nice guy like Noel who was attractive and smart and good to me. This was before all of the social media like twitter and youtube before celebrities put anything out there about their personal lives on the internet. So I didn't know anything about Scott Foley except that Jennifer Garner (his first wife) was from West Virginia. And I was from West Virginia so I obsessed about him. I got over it because I got healthy and I liked the show for other reasons besides him but he was still a big crush for a long time after that. I was doing really well and just had minor crushes on celebrities until 2012 when I discovered Josh Radnor while I was binge watching How I Met Your Mother one summer. I thought he was cute but didn't really know anything about him until I started looking at videos and interviews after I was laid off from my job and I found out about his article Kindness Matters in LA Times. And I fell for him...hard. I didn't know how old he was for the longest time until he started being the new hero in my dreams when I was sick and the more sleep I lost he became the villain. Unfortunately I still can't get him out of my mind because he seems like such a kind good person...we have a lot of the same values...we both have a lot of the same views politically and he went to college not far from where I went but it didn't work out. I can never watch HIMYM again because it triggered me in the end...and I can never watch Liberal Arts again because after I watched it I started having dreams that he saved my life when the college I went to didn't work out and I never saw him again because he got famous! I am kinda embarrassed to share all of this but it is part of my reality now. I had great dreams for a while that we traveled the world together making up songs to try to reduce stigma of mental illness but then they were replaced with dreams of him taking advantage of me. In one dream I was one of the girls Ted slept with but Ted was in my old dorm room. So many things that don't make sense. I found out he was going to be playing some music with Ben Lee not far from my home but it was really late at night and everyone I knew would think it was really a bad idea so I didn't go since I can't drive at night lose sleep, take my meds and drive under the influence of my meds. I let it go but for three days I was really depressed thinking oh man Josh you are so close and I am not even going to get to breathe the same air as you. I have this dress that I bought I would have worn to meet you. But you'll never know me unless I publish my book and you read it. That's the only way you'll ever know I even exist. My therapist says I'm in love with the kindness aspect of him but he could be a completely different person in real life. He could be boring, sloppy, rude, or arrogant. I read one time that he mentioned that he wasn't narcissistic but not to ask anyone just to take his word for it. Sounds narcissistic to me! And I can't stand guys like that. So I'm better off without him. I guess but it's scary how much we have in common. I have been trying so hard not to look at him...I stopped watching him sing but it's been the hardest thing. Their song called Hello Beloved I used to pretend was about me. Part of the lyrics are I don't know you but I know you well you were there when both of us fell.
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