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Everything posted by starbucksjunkee

  1. You're lucky ViceCityKitty. You have only positive things to say about your CO and he doesn't seem to be harming you emotionally. Thinking about Josh did major some damage--some of it seems like it will be permanent. I had one great short term relationship and one that lasted almost a year and was good but I was too young to make a major commitment. The rest of the guys I dated messed me up like Josh did. What if you met someone who was kind and good to you and made you feel special, would you give up your CO then? I know I would be able to drop Josh like a bad habit if that ever happens to me. My bff is an older married man with kids and I finally got to meet his son. I hoped we could have a chance and when I met him I realized he wasn't my type but I could never tell my bff that. He was really cute and in good shape but he was just too goofy for me. He told a couple inappropriate stories. He's too young for me anyway and I feel like they are my second family so I would never take the risk. Not like he's going to move here to be with me anyway. I promised myself I'd never date a younger guy again unless it was only one or two years. He was nice but my standards are pretty high. If only I could find another guy like my bff who is younger and single. He is really good to me...like the big brother I never had. Some day maybe...I've pretty much given up looking. Not that I don't look at nice friendly guys fingers for wedding rings once in a while...I'm embarrassed to admit!
  2. Well, Josh Radnor is definitely no sex symbol. I like the expression the bee's knees. I heard it in a movie or tv show once but I can't remember which one. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm trying to forget what he looks like but it is very hard even though it's been about a month since I googled him. I did look up his show Rise to see if it succeeded and found out it has been cancelled. Zach Braff's new show Alex was cancelled after only nine episodes. Did anyone watch it? I was curious about it but I never watch cable t.v. anymore. Just watch stuff on youtube, prime, and netflix. Josh is the only guy I have ever been attracted to with facial hair. I am taking some papers to my new therapist and it was very therapeutic cutting his picture out of one of his articles and tearing it into pieces. It was always my least favorite picture of him. So intense and brooding and almost angry-like. Everybody thinks I should get rid of all of my files about him now but I don't want to completely forget him...even though feelings for him really messed me up. I know I should but I can't right now. I found another song that I listen to when I'm trying to push him out of my head besides I Hope You're Happy By Blue October which will always be #1 and Ordinary World which will always be #2. My bff likes weird music with sometimes disturbing lyrics but one of his favorites is Florence and The Machine. When I found that out, I decided to buy Shake It Out. It was part of one of the How I Met Your Mother episodes. I think it was the one where Robin tells Ted she doesn't love him. I didn't want to buy it but it's exactly the right song. I have a respect for her art and everything her voice just is grating. I push myself really hard on the stationary bike when I hear I Hope You're Happy and Shake It Out and I shake him off my shoulders when it comes to that part in the song. It makes me sad because I don't know if I'll ever have a normal healthy relationship but oh well. As long as I have good friends and family, I will be okay. A lot of my friends are older than me and I'm working on that.
  3. Musiclover83, I think volunteering is a great idea. It has helped me a lot I know. I have some social anxiety and other issues but not agoraphobia. Right now I'm trying to get a new therapist and a doctor so I can have everything in place first before I make any decisions about where to volunteer. I just moved. Good luck to you! starbucksjunkee
  4. Thank you for sharing. Glad I am not the only one who is self critical. Unfortunately for some of us (me for one) even thinking about the positive stuff about having a co can trigger us. If I had never read anything Josh wrote in his mailing list and I had never seen him in t.v.and all I heard was his music with Ben Lee...I could have appreciated it like Simon and Garfunkel. Some are comparing them but for me s&g are ten thousand times better. I have drafted a story and written some poetry so I guess he inspired me somewhat creatively. But I can't think of any other things that I can say that are positive. What about you musiclover83? Don't worry or feel guilty about blocking that girl. You had to do it for your mental health.
  5. Good for you David. Take charge! Good luck!
  6. Floor2017, I am sorry this is so long...but here It's definitely okay to not be happy sometimes...the world is a really tough place to live now and I wouldn't want to be a kid right now. I think that you are right. I just posted something positive and no one has responded yet. I asked the question if you could go back to before your first episode would you go back and try to change things? This discussion will probably get lost in the shuffle. It's just hard to think optimistically about anything when you're depressed/manic/anxious/something else but noone mentally ill or stable is happy all of the time. Sometimes people put on an act because they're ashamed to show their real feelings or embarrassed or they're in denial. I wish that we could live a society where someone can say how are you and we can give a truthful answer and be accepted and heard and validated. I think it's very important to try to find a lesson in every situation when you can't find the good. I mean, if you live with depression at least you're a survivor. It's better than giving up. I'm not saying that I'm always able to do this but it's usually easier for me to get out of depression than mania. I distract myself with coping mechanisms that work for me and reach out to people I trust for extra support and when I don't have anyone around I sometimes call the local crisis number...not because I'm suicidal just to vent for a few minutes to a non-responsive objective sounding board who doesn't know me in real life and I pray sometimes. I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all. What goes down must eventually come up...we can't really dig to China eventually we must come out of the dirt and clean up. I'm blessed that I have a lot of support or I never would have survived the three times I was suicidal (2002 before i was diagnosed, 2014 during a bad hospitalization I will never get over, and 2016 when I was having flashbacks from my past). I couldn't do it to my parents. My mom said she couldn't live without me. So even though it hurts her when I am sick and I annoy her a lot I have to believe her. One of my coping mechanisms is exercise...I hate doing it but I always feel good when I'm done. I take long walks by myself to clear my head when the weather isn't too hot. During those walks sometimes I get really positive feelings and hope in my heart and I feel good and I feel at peace and warm inside. I wish that feeling would last forever. That's how I felt last Saturday when I got to see a dear friend for the first time in almost 15 years. It's been the last four years that he and I have been really close because he was just a mentor and a reference before but now he's a true friend and it was so hard to let him go and say goodbye because I may never see him again. It was like I was saying goodbye to all of these people from my past that I didn't get to say goodbye to and that's a big load to put on him and I can't ever tell him. I don't mean this in a romantic way...but I feel guilty now that I have these feelings for him. I mean I care about him maybe more than I should. But he's the only person that I have left from college that I have any contact with him except for one fraternity brother but he doesn't want to be friends in that way. We just send each other Christmas cards. I have pretty much given up on ever finding "the one". They always say you have to be your own best friend and you have to love yourself. But how do you love yourself when you are a mess? That's something I've tried to answer for years. My last therapist said it's a chemical imbalance you don't choose to feel that way. It's not your fault. But it's hard for me to believe that.
  7. I know exactly what you mean. I am very self conscious about my looks and I hate mirrors too. When I am sick I want to throw rocks at my bathroom mirror. I have never worn sexy clothes and never will. When I look at younger photos of myself I think I was unconventionally beautiful but now I feel misshaped. When I look down I have a double chin. I never wear or wore makeup unless I am in a wedding. I wear tankini bathing suits with long snug tops. I threw away a suit that a guy admired me in bc I can’t stand when guys look at me like that. I can’t walk in high heels because I look like a drunken sailor if I try. I can’t alternate my feet going downstairs so carrying large objects downstairs is practically impossible and it’s definitely impossible on escalators. I am trying to learn not to compare myself to others because I think inner beauty is more important than outward appearance. My mom found this site of old actors and actresses and it made her feel better about herself. She is 71. Maybe you should try to find it because they all look really bad. I saw pictures of the girl who played Malory on family ties and she looks her age. People criticize Cristin Milioti and I think she is gorgeous as long as she doesn’t use too much eye makeup. She went through an awkward short hair period in her youth like I did. I like my eyes but that’s the only part of me that I like all of the time and if I think eye brow plucking and threading look silly and painful. I hate to wear anything that draws attention to my chest. Some of my t shirts do but I always layer with them. If you watch How I Met Your Mother, Tracy’s style is closest to how I dress except for the strapless dresses she wears and her wedding dress. Flannel shirts, jackets, baseball shirts, etc. I don’t have agoraphobia and I don’t hate myself but I have had social anxiety my whole life. It got better after I joined Toastmasters but I am still afraid sometimes of what people think of me and I analyze everything I am going to say in my head before I say it. I used to think that even if I got down to my hs weight and published my book and moved to LA Josh wouldn’t want me and that hurt tremendously.
  8. Next fall at close to around this time, I will be reflecting on my very first breakdown and how my life has changed since then. It will be twenty years later. I have drafted a fiction book but so far haven’t tried to publish it. I thought it would be neat to start a discussion. If you could go back in time to your first episode what advice would you give yourself? Would you want to try to go back and fix things? Would you have made different choices? For me the answer for a long time was yes. I would have changed everything. If I had just worn earplugs and had more confidence sleeping away from home, I could have survived. I wanted to go back to that place and help those kids who were going through what I went through to get the right resources. But now, I know in my heart that is not true. I can’t go back. Maybe I can help people a different way. Mental health care is not one size fits all. So as I told my oldest niece who just graduated from high school, don’t be sad but remember life doesn’t always turn out the way you have planned. My favorite bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11. I also really like the quote from Never Been Kissed and Drew Barrymore says “Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it.” Okay, it’s your turn.
  9. I often have physical symptoms accompanying the mental. In 2016 and 2017 when hypermanic my blood pressure got so high I could have died. I had to give up regular coffee and strongly brewed tea. I miss honest iced tea most of all. I can drink coke or Pepsi as long as it’s not close to bed time. I can’t drink energy drinks except Gatorade. I still have to be monitored with it all of the time. I think I am too young for blood pressure meds and I always take my psychotropics. I have heart burn and migraines also when not sleeping enough. It’s dangerous to the liver to take too much Tylenol but that’s all I can take. I have switched to regular strength and only take half of one serving of extra when I am in dire straights. Before my meds aleve was my wonder drug. Now the combination of earl grey tea or mint tea or other calming tea and Tylenol and Arnicare for joint and back pain are my tools.
  10. ViceCityKitty, I hope things have gotten better for you since your last post. I wasn't sure how to respond to it and I'm still not sure. I used to have a friend who was a Jehovah's Witness. I lost touch with her but it was interesting to learn about religion from a different perspective. I don't know if this will make you feel any better but I think that it's important to have friends from different backgrounds. I know what it's like to feel like you don't have approval from your parents and the hurt that can cause. I'm 37 years old and their opinion still means more to me than anybody else's. The only thing I've learned is that we can't always make them happy. We have to do what makes us happy as long as it's not harming us or someone else, we shouldn't worry. We always will though unless we're lucky enough to be completely 100% independent. I only know two people like that my sister and this friend of mine that came to this country when she was 25 and almost never goes back to her home. Even my brother is not 100%...he won't take my mother and father's money but he often seeks their advice for raising his kids and we babysit them a lot. (It's wonderful when I'm healthy...I hope they never see me really ill...). My mom is going on a trip with them and he said he didn't think I should go. I wasn't ready to go on such a massive trip anyway but it still kinda hurt. I guess I give him too many mental health updates for him to be confident in me in that department even though I am better than anyone else in playing with those kids. I can play for hours without getting tired as long as I'm not running constantly. All I just got back from a really nice trip but the last night was horrible. I only got five hours of sleep and the night before the last night I was one hour short of what I needed. I had to fake good health with my mom yesterday and it was so hard. I think I need a week to recover. But something happened that I want to share with you guys. Have you ever wanted to be with someone just because you loved their family? Well, my mom was married to someone like that once and he turned out to be a bad guy. I just met my best friend's son (my best friend is older than me...old enough to be my dad...it's weird I know). He was 31 years old and I was so relieved because I didn't like him. He told a really inappropriate story and it was like thank God I don't like him...but it was a little hard to sleep after I met him because I gave him the cliff notes version of my personality and how I never want to settle for the wrong guy. My weight makes me more self conscious than I used to be and he said I was beautiful. Now, guys, I know that's nothing but to me it was everything. No guy outside my family has said that to me for a very long time. I am so glad I can share this with you because I still don't have a new doctor and therapist yet and I'm getting stressed about that. I think I have enough meds to hold me over and my parents can take me to a doctor in an emergency but I'm still stressed. I could write pages on this site but I will quit for now. I hope everyone is doing okay.
  11. @musiclover83 "really don't want to let go is the thing. This CO feels so different from others I've had. It really seems like we'd get along and I so love the fantasy. What I don't love is how I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always happens and it always hurts and I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. Right now it just hurts. Part of me is thrilled knowing that we're in the same city again, at least as long as he's in town. But at the same time, another part of me aches knowing he's in town but we're not together. I almost miss him more knowing he's somewhere in the city. What gives? I guess it's a so close, but still so far kind of thing." My Two Cents I know exactly how you feel, Musiclover. I can relate to what you said about it feeling different and it seeming like you guys would get along and loving the fantasy. But for me when I found out he was close by, that was when I knew I had to let him go. Because I had no way to see him and I got really depressed for a week. He was having a concert really late starting at 11 or after in a town I don't feel safe in alone and my parents would never agree to it. I know I'm an adult, I should be able to do what I want but paying for uber and losing sleep for someone who made me totally nuts? I can't do it to myself. Besides, I can't drive at night. It's kinda like that old U2 song...With or Without You. Music helps me a lot...I've made so many playlists for Josh it's insane. I don't know what I would do if I ever saw him face to face. I guess I would say something as long as I was not with my parents at the time. But I got so ill from thinking about him...I just focus on that. My brother was able to block my mozilla firefox on my computer so I can't google search him anymore. I wish he could've done it with all of my browsers and all of my devices. But I'm just going to have to have self control. I cried for two days after he did something I always wanted him to do. I wanted to write him and say Thank you Josh...I hope I find someone like you some day that doesn't make me crazy like you did. U2 With or Without You With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you
  12. Musiclover, I can understand how you feel. I don’t think I will ever get married and it makes me cynical and depressed. I hope noone else asks me to be in their wedding. I dont like having to wear something someone else picked out. Almost everyone I know has someone and I dont want to end up like that girl in 27 dressses. The last time I was in a wedding I got to pick my own dress. The bride just requested a conservative style and a color preference. I saw one of my exes and his pregnant wife. But I was really happy because I finally knew why we broke up. Enough time had passed so it didnt hurt. It did hurt though that he didnt speak to me once the whole time. Very immature. I wish Josh would get married. It would hurt but I think it would be better. I would be able to turn off the fantasies. I want him to be happy. I would really like it if he got with Cristin Milioti bc they had amazing chemistry but she has a bf and shes is too young. I am six years younger than him and she is nine. Its no big deal but I cant imagine theyd have much in common. And maybe when i am older I will find someone but right now I am not looking. When Josh made me so nuts it kinda scared me off dating. I have never been really comfortable flirting anyway. When I talk sometimes the guy says straight away my girlfriend this or my wife that. Its like dude, I am just talking to you. I am not asking for a date! Lol. And it drives me crazy when guys dont wear their wedding rings and they are married. I wish it was a law for both genders to do it and gay couples too! Oh well.
  13. Every now and then I still google Josh but it's pretty rare these days. I found myself looking up How I Met Your Mother stuff again though last week and I had a massive migraine and couldn't sleep well that night. It's crazy how something so minor can still trigger me. I have decided to publish my first book under a fake name but I don't know if I could ever write about Josh even with a fake name. I find myself missing him and I don't even know him...makes no sense at all whatsoever. I had to block quora because they had a lot of people asking questions about How I Met Your Mother. The ones that gave me a headache were the ones who liked the ending and said it made perfect sense. If I didn't see so much of myself in the mother and in Robin I wouldn't have gotten so ill from it maybe...who knows...maybe it was bond to happen either way. I saw a picture of him with Obama before I got crazy over him and I wonder if it was real or photoshopped. I loved Obama...I'm sorry to get political but I did. If he hadn't been elected, I wouldn't have the good affordable health insurance I have now. I was paying almost $1000/month for my health insurance and that only partially covered meds and my doc and therapist were $85/session each. I wrote Obama a thank you letter and he responded...well, at least he signed a response. Anyways, I am sorry to post again and sorry to get political. I really thought I was getting better but I just can't get Josh out of my head. No matter what I do. I've drafted songs and poems...maybe I will share one of them with you guys sometime. Hope everyone is doing good and enjoying their summer. I guess I will try to listen to Simon and Garfunkel. Someone compared him and Ben Lee's style of music to them and Simon and Garfunkel are way better. I went to one of their reunion concerts with my mom in 2003. Best concert ever. I also have been listening to a lot of Billy Joel but two of his songs were featured in two different episodes so I am not sure I will be able to listen to him too much. I wish I could find more music that helps...I've got a ton of playlists but so far only I Hope You're Happy By Blue October and You Can Go Your Own Way By Fleetwood Mac and What About Us By Pink are the only three songs that always help. I did end up buying Fight Song By Rachel Platten which someone here recommended but that song really is only good when I am ticked off that Josh became a trigger. I thought about buying Shake it Out By Florence and the Machine. It was part of the show but it kinda fits. Do you agree? Do you have any suggestions? Thanks, starbucksjunkee
  14. I know! Sometimes I wish Twitter and Facebook didn't exist. I set up an anonymous Twitter account so I could block all of Josh's pages and I gave up Facebook seven years ago. I cut out one picture of him and Ben Lee & made it really small. I am going to put it in my scrapbook. If they had just made that music and he had never been an actor, I would have been so happy. They are like a modern version of Simon and Garfunkel, whom I adore. But unfortunately he wrote two articles and a mailing list which were the reasons I fell for him hard. I can't even fantasize about him anymore without feeling physically ill. The only thing positive I can say is that I am glad he exists. He has made me realize I can never settle. If he knew how much he hurt me psychologically I know he would feel terrible. One of my favorite songs right now is I Hope You're Happy by Blue October. Whenever I find myself missing him I exercise and sing that song. I really wish he never would have been cast on HIMYM. Because then I would never have known he existed. I used to love it but now I can never watch it again. Sometimes I pray for him. It helps a little.
  15. Hopeless, OCD...it was my first diagnosis. Now granted over the years some of the memories have gotten distorted and fuzzy but I do remember most if not all of my first crushes celebrities or not and all of the past relationships which I wish I could take a pill to get rid of! But fortunately it doesn't hurt as much as it used to...it just hurts when I am very unwell and not sleeping because I still have bad dreams about them...or have i shared too much? :( I found someone I used to like on facebook before I left and I was so tempted to message him but it had been over 20 years since we spoke so I was sure he would not remember me. So I let it go.
  16. Flame, It sounds to me like you have a healthy attitude about your co. If you are trying to help prevent your sister from developing feelings as intense as you and I have had about our cos, that is awesome. When I was your age it was easier because we didn’t have the technology we have today. I subscribed to Bop magazine when I was in junior high and in high school I read seventeen magazine. I got really into the early internet stuff but it was so limited. I remember the very first website I looked at was for dimetapp cold medicine. I talked to my friends on aol instant messenger and emailed a lot. It boggles my mind daily how everything has changed so much. My first CO was Scott Foley from Felicity.
  17. So I did it. I got a twitter account so I could block all of his tweets and others tweets about him. God there were so many accounts to block. I will still be able to google him but I'm to do everything I can to try to avoid doing it. Sigh...goodbye Josh. I hope you have a great life. You almost ended mine.
  18. Musiclover, I understand how seeing your CO dressed up next to a girl at a wedding could hurt. But let me share something with you. When I was in college I had this friend who invited me to a wedding. I thought he had feelings for me but at the wedding he barely paid any attention to me at all. He wasn’t interested in me romantically. He had led me on. It hurt for a very long time and led to my first major breakdown. So just because your co took someone to a wedding doesnt mean that she will become the love of his life. Look at how few hollywood couples stay together. Michael J. Fox and his wife are an inspiration to me but so few have that. I thought Angelina and Brad Pitt were like them but God knows whats going on there. For me its twitter and facebook that have caused my downfall. I left facebook and will never go back. I am trying to give up Josh completely. i write poems and journal and listen to music and come here. Thank God we have a place that is safe to talk about these things!
  19. ViceCityKitty A comfort object...that's an interesting idea. I do have a stuffed monkey but it's a comfort object because my dog passed away and I don't have her to hold any more. Sometimes I think of my co when I hold it. But not always. Well, I went to lunch with my friend and something kinda embarrassing happened. I got into a giggle fit. I told my friend let's go to the mexican place downtown that we both like. She said sure. We had a lot of great girl talk but when my friend crush whatever he is came in I said there he is and I said is my face red and she said yes and I giggled for two minutes! I haven't done that in ages. When he came over, I was cool. I said I gave my new address to a mutual friend and he asked if I wanted to exchange phone numbers and email addresses. I said okay and I wrote my email address down. Not phone number. I wanted to give him my phone number and take a picture with us so badly but I didn't. I hope we can be email pals and I can practice my Spanish with him. That's what I'll miss the most when I move...I'm moving next week. Not far away but far enough so I won't get to see him again probably. Sigh. It's nice to have a real crush on a real person but it is hard too. I have no idea how old he is and if he's married. My guess is that he's married.
  20. I am glad I am not the only one who looks up people from my past. I stopped comparing myself for a while but now I am doing it again. I have gained so much weight my self esteem is really low. I used to keep nice clothes in smaller sizes but then I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. I donated it all except for the two dresses I wore in my brother's wedding. I felt good about making someone else happy. I feel good enough about myself enough to not settle for a jerk and to not have friends who are mean and take advantage. I guess that is something positive. Sorry I am posting so much today. I am feeling really down today. I wish I had one more session with my therapist.
  21. I find myself googling ex friends and ex boyfriends too often. I looked at one ex friend's profile on linkedin and for a while I wanted to reconnect with her and start over. Now I find myself jealous of her because she is a successful doctor and I saw her wedding page. Sometimes I feel like a 16 year old trapped in a 37 year old's body. I used to be so beautiful. I look at pictures of myself from when I was in high school. I was so thin. I don't think I'll ever look like that again. I had less self esteem then than I do now and I can't understand it. I'm working on a prequel for my book and it's really tough but I think some of it needs to be said. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking in the rear view mirror too much. But if my books help other people and give them some hope then that is good a good thing. I can't believe how bad cyberbullying is now and I'm not happy about our potus. I would not want to be a kid growing up today. Makes a lot of the terrible stuff I went through seem minimal by comparison.
  22. It depends on who your hero is. I have actually met a few of my heroes because of DBSA. Kay Jamison was wonderful and I am so glad I met her. But since Josh triggered psychosis, I never want to meet him now. In fact, I wish I could get that part of my brain that thinks about him surgically removed. I dont know what would happen if I ever actually was in the same place as him. I don’t ever want to go to LA for that reason. If I was traveling with my mother I could just walk away and ignore him but if I was alone. I dunno. He makes me want to be a better person. But that’s the only thing positive I can say about him.
  23. Blue star, I am sorry. I have Asperger’s syndrome and I take everything literally, have poor eye contact, and misunderstand other people a lot. I am really sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t post on this forum anymore. I have social anxiety so I don’t think I’d ever have the guts to send stuff to my co even through a fan directed address. Starbucksjunkee
  24. Yeah that would make sense. I just read the scariest piece of fan fiction yesterday. I have got to stop reading that stuff. It was about Ted (Josh’s character in How I Met Your Mother) being diagnosed with a delusional disorder and being in a psychiatric unit. He was an abusive alcoholic and Tracy (the mother his wife) leaves him for Barney (Neil Patrick Harris’s character). I hope I don’t have bad dreams because of it. I guess it helps some of us to write fan fiction. But that hit a little too close to home for me since I have been in a psychiatric unit before. I don’t normally mind fan fiction but I would never put tv characters through stuff I went through. If I do ever publish a book I will refuse to let a movie be made based on it.
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