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Everything posted by starbucksjunkee

  1. Hopeless, You are probably right. I always forget that people aren’t ocd like me. I remember all kinds of stuff. I always say an elephant never forgets and neither do I. This one guy and I have been writing back and forth on YouTube. He has aspergers like me. He is an actor but he has decided he doesn’t want to be a Hollywood actor and prefers theater and doing behind the scenes background stuff like camera work. He is way too young for me but it’s flattering to get so much attention from someone semi famous. You can check him out if you want I am sure he won’t mind. I am not going to look at his videos because they look pretty strange but his profile picture is cute. He and I were talking about how people with autism are portrayed on television. Anthony James Rummel is his name. I am just sharing because I won’t see my therapist for another two weeks so I have no one to talk to about this and all of my friends would worry that I am obsessed. I still haven’t seen Joshs latest video. I wish I could get someone to watch it for me and tell me if it’s any good. I am sure it’s amazing though. I am just so glad he and Ben Lee are still relatively unknown musicians. I hope it stays that way because I know I will cry if I ever hear Hello My Beloved again.
  2. I am not worried that Josh saw the comments I am worrying someone else did. I posted to this Rami Malek video that I thought he was cute but I didn’t want another celebrity crush because the last one really messed me up and made me crazy. Someone teased me and said who was it Justin Bieber and I said ew no this guy was six years older than me. I am 38. I just worry that the person that teased me can follow me and will find out but I guess it’s not the end of the world if he does. Last night I had a dream that I stumbled into an event where Josh was and there was this long line of people wanting to meet him. There was this little girl about 10 or so ahead of me and I said go ahead of me. I saw him hug someone like he hugged the mother on the first date and I was so jealous. He finally shaved off his stupid facial hair. My mom had gone back to the hotel where my brother and his family were waiting. We had dinner with them and mom and I were getting back from a shopping trip. I almost got to meet him but didn’t because I had to go to the bathroom. Fortunately I went back to sleep! I hate having dreams about him. The only good ones I ever had: I interpreted what he said for hearing impaired and he couldn’t see my face and he said hey she’s pretty good. I’d like to meet her. He comes back to meet me but I am gone and he cries. The other good one was that somehow he and I got married without anyone knowing and he told his audience yeah I am married but my wife is really shy. And I was his wife. The rest of the dreams were nightmares or didn’t make any sense at all. Sigh...will I ever get over him?
  3. Happy New Year everyone. I will try to make this short. I screwed up. I got personal on YouTube. I was wondering if people can follow you on there? Man I hope not. I ranted my feelings about the end of how I met your mother. Didn’t tell them josh triggered me but told them everything else. How the only modern show I like is death and paradise and I don’t want watch cable tv. I have respect for the actors but I can’t watch any of them anymore because the last episode made me crazy. My YouTube name is part of my real name too. I guess I could set up a new more anonymous account but it would be a pain to have to start all over with liked videos and favorites. Mz mojo had this thing on toxic relationships. I said Ted was obsessed with Robin he didn’t love her. I am so embarrassed. What should I do?
  4. I am single too so I can totally understand. All of my closest friends are in relationships or have been married or have kids. Before I got sick I had feelings for Josh because I fell in love with the kind compassionate religious person with good values. My therapist said He might not be like that at all. Celebrities only present the best parts of themselves. That’s the kind of man I want to marry someday but I quit looking. I haven’t been on a date since 2011 because the last two guys I dated were so awful. I got asked out twice but I said no. I don’t know how to flirt bc I have Aspergers I just talk to everyone and treat everyone the same. The really cute ones I just talk then they say I have a girlfriend. And it’s like I was just talking darn it. I have a big crush right now but I am sure he’s married and much older. One time I told a friend about him and had a giggle fit. It was the first time in twenty years. Since I moved I gave up on him as a romantic prospect. I didn’t move far but I don’t drive so that makes it too hard. My best friend is an older guy and he taught me to respect myself and never settle. Maybe I am too picky but I dunno. I have only fallen in love and had a normal relationship once. It was very short term and it took me a long time to get over. My first boyfriend was just puppy love because I was too young to understand how to be a girlfriend. I might be sharing too much but oh well.
  5. Thank you Myshka for sharing your story. I really needed to hear that a full life can look like different things to different people. All of those things can't guarantee a full life. You're right...I always forget that. I always used to look at people like you with envy because I don't think I'll ever get married or have children. Not sure I'll ever work again since it's been so long. It's nice to escape the woes of life with other things...I have pretty much given up on the husband and children but not the job thing. Now I just try to be a good kind person and help others as much as I can. Not sure what else to say. I know that I yearn for something permanent with benefits to do that I'm passionate about too. Just haven't found the right thing yet. Good luck with everything. Starbucksjunkee
  6. Dear HelpMe, Thank you so much for your holiday greeting. Ditto. I am not in the exact same situation as you but I completely understand how you feel. When we first started living on the west coast, I found out Josh Radnor was going to be performing with Ben Lee in a concert not too far away from where we were moving to. I don’t drive at night and my parents both hate him now that he has become part of my psych issues. They would never have let me go to a concert at night in a big city alone even though I am an adult. I knew it would sell out in three days once enough people knew about it and I was right. It hurt so badly it was kind of like finding out a friend was in town and they didn’t want to see me. That was when I knew I had to stop looking at Josh videos but unfortunately I haven’t been able to stop completely looking at photos and articles. My brother blocked access to his stuff on my Firefox on my computer and I have given up twitter but I still google him once in a while on other devices. I loved one of his songs but I had to delete it because the last time I heard it I cried like a baby. I said he wrote it for me but he did not. I really hope that you get to enjoy learning about directing for other reasons besides just the chance but you never know you might really get to meet him someday. I don’t want to meet Josh anymore but I still care about him and that will never change. I hope you had a nice holiday too. You’re not alone. Starbucksjunkee
  7. This is a long one sorry. Well I am still obsessed with Josh R. I was so happy because on you tube I told everyone that a celebrity had messed me up and I never wanted to feel anything romantic for a celebrity again. Someone asked me who it was but I said I didn’t want the world to know because he is unpopular. I did not fall for his acting or his roles. I just fell for who he seems to be, what he has written about his values and beliefs and how he seems like a good kind man with similar background to me. Someone on YouTube said have truer words ever been spoken? That was the nicest thing anyone ever said to one of my comments on there and made me feel like I have got to stop punishing myself for liking him. I do really well for a couple of weeks and then search for him or HIMYM again. The truth is, I pray they will never have a reunion movie. I saw this broadway riff off with Neil Patrick Harris and James Corden (?) . I loved it but it made me really sad after it was over. The cast and the writers of HIMYM will never know how much the show messed me up in 2014 and 2016. I wish I never saw that show but I guess even though psychological damage was done it’s better them than some real guy who emotionally or physically abused me. I cannot watch the video of Josh singing Wait and playing his guitar because I will cry like a baby. If only he had just had a music career and wrote his mailing list I never would have gotten so messed up. Song is based on the poem by Gallway Kinnell. Might be the same words. If someone here could watch it for me and give me an objective opinion, I would really appreciate it. He’s alone in a room in his house and he’s singing it for a friend that committed suicide. He wants to try to prevent suicide just like me. Swoon! Josh did make me realize though that there was one guy in my past that did almost as much damage to me. I held onto my feelings for him for way longer than I should have. He was one of my best friends in school but now he’s barely in my life...I might never see him again. I will have to send him a copy of my book and I really hope it doesn’t freak him out too much. I took his number out of my phone but I do sometimes email him once or twice a year. When I was sick, I had dreams that I had to choose between them or they were both treating me bad. I get depressed sometimes thinking I will never find real love. I have had two boyfriends but I haven’t been on a date since 2011. I rejected two guys because I messed up so bad in 2009 and 2011 dating two horrible men just because I wanted to be with someone since the aforementioned friend rejected me and broke my heart. I will never settle again. Now that I have met my current BFF who is like a big brother he has taught me to really stick to what I really want and I deserve the best and to never compromise my principles or change who I am just to with someone. Have you ever heard of the enneagram? It’s a personality test. I am a romantic according to that test and I am not surprised. I like a lot of love songs...most aren’t very popular or were popular 10-20 years ago. I don’t like Celine Dion except for Power Of Love. My current favorite is At The Beginning from the cartoon movie Anastasia. I haven’t bought it yet but I probably watch it on YouTube two or three times a week. Richard Marx isn’t much to look at but I am a big fan. Hope everyone has a great holiday and the best new year...happy belated Hanukkah to my Jewish friends and happy Kwanza...and any holidays I have forgotten we’re starting a new chapter in our lives, my friends...we have a new clean slate to start on. I am praying for all of you that might be alone right now or struggling. My family has some drama right now but I am hoping we will put it behind us for the holidays. Best Wishes, starbucksjunkee
  8. Thank you...yes...if I could find a nurse practitioner or someone else like that that takes medicare that would be the ideal...not sure I can though but thanks for not judging and encouraging me.
  9. Hey, I'm going to start a new discussion on here called Hypersensitivity and Blow Ups: Any ideas on how to prevent them? I am just letting you guys know because I need all the support I can get right now. It's under Therapy. Thanks in advance and Happy Thanksgiving if I forget to say it later. Starbucksjunkee
  10. Hi guys, I wanted to quit this forum but right now this is all I have. One of my insurances stopped covering therapy and the other insurance has few therapists to offer. As far as I know, none of the therapists are available. I am going to keep bugging them until I can find someone I can walk to that will take me that doesn't have shoddy ratings. I do have a therapist I have seen for $75/ a session but I don't see her again until the 28th. I see her every two weeks. I have tried everything DBT worksheets, Journaling, adult coloring, prayer, Mindfulness, and Restorative Yoga. Restorative Yoga is a big help and I know sleep is key to remaining stable. I do restorative three times a week and I recommend it to anyone with mental health issues except psychosis. I haven't been psychotic since last year...hope to never have it again...But I was wondering if anyone has any other suggestions? I was doing so well for about six months but today I blew up at my mother. I screamed at her because I am so frustrated about everything. My birthday is in a couple weeks and I'm going 38. I feel like a loser and I haven't made the impact I wanted to make on the world when I was idealistic and in school. I will probably never work again and I want to finish my book but I can't find someone to edit it that I can trust except my mom but I don't want her to do it because I feel like it would be hard on her to have to relive it all. I took my college experience and fictionalized it a little bit. Right now what I'm feeling is almost seems like an extreme form of PMS. I am hypomanic and anxious and I don't want it to escalate. She was telling me that I can't do xyz on my birthday because my brother won't be available. She doesn't know that for sure and neither do I and it's important to me that I'm with my family. She wanted to take a cake to church and I said no. I don't want everyone to know it's my birthday until I stand up for a blessing. Last weekend I had too much fun at an event and got 6 hours, last night I was angry at my mom and my life and depressed about my first Birthday without Jubee (My dog, put her to sleep in May of this year). I have tried to be strong in her honor but some days I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I even consider suicide but I don't plan. I just consider it because I am so tired of being different and not being able to contribute. I volunteer with these kids with special needs and I love it but I have to be healthy to be with them. I think one of them has psychological issues but I don't know that for sure. I think I'll come out of it...last time I was out of it I got better right away but that's because it was only two things but now I've got a gazillion in my head. I'm going to take my extra meds tonight but it's against my doctor's orders. That was happened last night. I was freaking out and it was too late to get someone's advice. I only have one extra pill left and mom thinks if I take it tonight and sleep I won't need it again but I feel guilty and I'm afraid to confront my doctor. So again I feel like a little kid and my parents have to come to my rescue. I wanted to call crisis line but I can't do that unless she's asleep because she doesn't understand how much it helps me. And when mom's asleep, that is usually when my meds start to kick in. I have to call them before the meds or I can't sleep afterwards...sometimes. I am sorry to go on and on I'm just really a mess right now. Any suggestions would be appreciated. God Bless You, Starbucks Junkee
  11. HopelessRomantic2011 I guess you're right. I shouldn't hate Josh. That is just as unhealthy as being obsessed with him. Yesterday I watched a video talking about the last episode of How I Met Your Mother. It had a few clips of him with Cristin Milioti. First time I've watched him in a video since Lent when I accidentally saw him on t.v. I have wanted so badly to listen to Hello Beloved and Wait songs. I wonder if the Wait song just copied from the poem it inspired. He performs it by himself and he plays guitar. I still am unable to search for him on my computer, even on you tube things are blocked. I wish my brother had blocked him from every web browser on every device. Sometimes I just wish that he had the music career and had never been on television and done lots of social media because then I could just appreciate the music and wouldn't know anything about the real him. In another life, if he were a rabbi and I met him then it would be perfect if he was okay being married to a Christian woman who respects the Jewish faith and is very fascinated by it. But he is very allergic to dogs and I can't imagine my life without dogs so I guess there are good things that keep us apart. I really miss when I just admired him and he didn't trigger me. I miss being able to watch him on television interviews and being happy to see him now I have to avoid him all the time and it's so hard. I wish I could get someone to listen to the songs and write down their lyrics. But that might make me just want to listen to them even more. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think thirty pounds ago I was very attractive and had a nice figure he might have even thought I was beautiful but now who's going to be attracted to me? I know I'm a valuable person and I'm smart and I am compassionate and kind and generous but I'm not sure about my looks at all. I don't know if I should tell any guy what happened with Josh because it might scare him away. I remember one guy I dated was a really bad guy but even he said he couldn't break up with me when I told him about my bipolar and other mental illnesses. I broke up with him and a couple years later he got arrested in a sting operation. That scared me so bad when I found out about it. I couldn't believe he did that because even though I knew he was the wrong guy and had gotten into trouble and done other things before he was always kind to me. I am volunteering now at a school once a week and at my church once or twice a week but I am having trouble finding a therapist and noone at my gym is friendly. There's a guy I'd love to talk to because he helped me once but I'm too shy. I love my church but I don't have any friends yet...just a couple potentials. Sometimes I wonder who my true friends really are. One of my friends has been bothering me a lot and I didn't respond to her texts and she freaked out. I wish that she would just give me some space and leave me alone sometimes. I wonder if others think that way about me. I don't want to give her up but I need some space and I tell her that a lot but then two days pass and she's texting again. I made anonymous accounts on twitter and facebook to promote my book but my brother said it was a bad idea so I got rid of them. I signed up for one more year in this service club I was involved in but since I moved here it's like most of the people are non communicado and it's frustrating. Once I leave probably none of them will be friends with me anymore. I am sorry guys but I really needed to vent. Thanks for putting up with my ramblings.
  12. Wow. Noone has posted here for a long time. It's a ghost land. I hope everyone is doing okay. I gave in and googled How I Met Your Mother last week. Found a great picture of Josh. It was so hard not to download it and save it on my computer. I found an old interview with him...he said he was a fan of the show and a fan of the finale. So the fact that he liked the ending makes me like him less. I wish I could find something that would make me hate him and stop looking at him. Sigh.
  13. angry frustrated anxious and hypersensitive after last week's hypomanic episode
  14. Heather G., Um...No problem...I guess. It's just that I've been kinda off for a few days...I was thanking 20 for saying nice things but thank you too, Heather..I'm glad I helped you. Sometimes I worry my posts are way too long. Every time I think I should leave this forum people say kind things to make me want to come back. I started a discussion on here where I was really misunderstood...I just composed a long note a few hours ago to try to explain what I'm thinking and feeling and I hope that I don't get another negative response. If I do I'm just going to stick to celebrity obsession and never initiate anything else here unless I think it's going to help someone unless my head feels like it's going to explode if I don't say something and I have noone else to talk to about it at the moment. I'm afraid I get too personal. I was venting and I guess my venting made me sound like a homophobe which I am not. I went to an event to volunteer today and it was really disappointing. It was good to see some nice acquaintances (I can't call them friends because we rarely spend time together) but all I did was fetch things for people. It was really boring and one of the kids was disrespectful to me. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing being involved at all but I moved and know no one here except for people at church and my parents so I am holding on to what I had even if it's not always the best for me. Most of the time I am helping friends that are thousands of miles away some of whom I may never see again. But I am always very insecure and think I don't do enough. I think I finally got through to one of my friends today and I think she's really going to get better. I just hope that she follows through because she really needs to make a change or I'm afraid she'll get really sick. Why is it sometimes so much easier to help others than it is to help ourselves? Starbucksjunkee
  15. Mark, I totally respect what you're saying. Don't worry. I'm not going to ask my niece about her sexuality. I am afraid to ask her anything frankly because she is so distant and cold most of the time. I never get any alone time with her anymore. We used to be buddies but she has grown up and doesn't need me anymore. I just hate it when my sister says stuff about her because I never know if it's really true or not. My sister lies or exaggerates all the time about everything. She's in denial that anything is wrong with her even though she is so mean and my niece copies her. They both will say something and I will say did you mean this and they'll contradict themselves. It drives me crazy because I always think a lot before I speak and they don't think at all. I just was trying to understand what my niece is thinking about these days. I was totally boy crazy back then but now I am totally not. I don't even know how to flirt...I just talk about neutral topics...I don't have a problem with it at all though if she's gay she's gay. I'm just curious about it. I probably shouldn't have posted my thoughts to the forum because I can tell I made myself sound worse than I am. I have lots of friends who are gay. I used to have a problem with it but then my friend asked me if I chose to be the way I am (a person with multiple mental illnesses). And then I finally got it! It's just like a different personality than mine...and I think everyone should be kind to everyone...no matter what race, religion, whatever. And I have friends from all walks of life...Although I have to admit...a certain political figure has really ticked me off lately and I would have a very hard time being kind to him. I pray for him every Sunday in church. I loved the movie and so did my bff but we're both much older than the characters in the movie and heterosexual. I just wanted to know what she thought because it's not my generation. The actor is 15 years younger than me...technically I could be his mother! I don't know what this generation is like. I do volunteer work with kids and so far it's been a really crappy experience and I don't know why! It's like the kids don't take me seriously at all and they act like they know everything and I'm just some stupid adult that happens to be there with them. I am supposed to supervise them and they don't respect me at all. If I saw a man in a thong I'd be grossed out too but I've never seen any! I just think thongs are gross. Period. I would be happy to attend PFLAG...but I don't really think I need it...I just want to understand my niece better so I don't have to hear stuff from my sister that could be a bunch of lies. I hope you understand and believe me because it's very hard for me to open up like this online. I often get misunderstood but I don't have anyone right now except my parents...my friends are really far away except for this club and a bunch of old people in church I have no one right now that I can call every day and count on. I'm sorry if I came off sounding like an anti gay person because that was never my intent. Starbucksjunkee
  16. Don't get me wrong...I have lesbian friends and know many men who are gay so I don't have a problem with it but well, umm... my soon to be 18 year old niece has never seen the movie but I hope she does...I don't know any other young people I can ask except her brother and her mom might not like it. Her mother thinks she is bisexual but I don't believe it. She says she loves everyone...well, that's nice but does she really want to be with women in that way? That's what bisexual means to me. I think some women look better than men but I don't want to have sex with women and I don't stare at them. Does that mean I'm gay? I always feel like I was born in the wrong century because I can't stand to see people wearing next to nothing and exposing so much skin. When I see women in thongs I want to throw up. And more and more skin is exposed. Even when I went to private school for 7 years the girls would roll up their skirts to make them shorter. I guess I'm old fashioned.
  17. Great idea Mark. I will ask my niece. She is at the age where she's starting to think about this stuff. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You're a survivor!
  18. You didn't trigger me at all. I just don't agree with your signature. We're cool. I just really needed to vent. I went to this event yesterday and I am kinda borderline manic and it's not your fault. I really miss my friend a lot. What would you do? Let him go? It's so hard. I am sorry if I came off sounding mad or triggered. I have almost sent Josh a letter a million times but what good would it do? Unless he comes to where I am or reads my book if I ever publish it I will never see him. I refuse to go to LA or Hollywood for any reason because of him which sucks because I'd really like to see the shops on rodeo drive someday and get a photo of Kerri Russell's star. So it's almost like winning the lottery...could happen but unlikely and if it did happen I wouldn't be able to say anything. It would scare him. Before I went to the hospital last year I wanted to contact Wayne Brady and tell him everything and try to convince him to ask the entire cast and writers to give a bunch of money to non profits that help people with mental illnesses. But that would be the only good thing I could imagine. Or Josh saying I am so sorry thinking of me has hurt you so badly. Sorry for misunderstanding 20 years. Sometimes I wish this were a support group but then I'd get in trouble for talking too much.
  19. 20Years, Okay, now I did not agree with everything you said but I liked what you said about "Stubbornness is really just determination with a different name." And I like you tried to turn obsession into a positive thing. That is really cool. When I explain my OCD to people I always tell them it's pure obsessive...I can't let go of certain thoughts...they get stuck in my head. An elephant never forgets and neither do I. But I hope I can remember what you said. I just know that the feelings I had for Josh got out of control and thinking of him and the show triggered psychosis. I was able to watch an episode of a different show with a young Allison Hannigan (sp?) in it but it was like I was getting a cavity filled. I did not enjoy at all. And she didn't even do anything! I liked her! I have only felt as strongly and been so unhealthy about one other person besides Josh Radnor in my life so far. I think I've only been in love real love once. It was so hard for me for so many years because I thought the other guy was the love of my life...he was just too blind to see it. We grew up together. We met at 12 and we went to the same school for almost seven years. Now I realize that I was doing all the work trying to keep our friendship alive. Not once has he called me or emailed me out of the blue. I always take the initiative. I am not going to give him up as a friend but I did take his number out of my phone and I am not sure if I am going to say Happy Birthday or not because ever since I left Facebook, he has never contacted me on my birthday. My birthday is easy to remember it's one month before Christmas. It has been so hard...I wanted to call him so many times and tell him that I loved him and I never did and I am so glad I didn't. The closest I ever came was asking him if he'd seen Bridget Jones Diary and ever felt really strong about someone he knew practically his whole life and he said he never felt that way and I knew...he never loved me and never would. Every time I get sick...he's still there in my mind...even when he's not...sometimes he's rescuing me from the hospital...he's the hero or the villain just like Josh has been off and on since 2014. I was trying to find a reason to hate Josh and I asked my mom if when someone sues someone famous for a stupid reason and that famous person wins and the other person has to pay his legal fees...is that a normal thing? I told her I was asking about Martin Sheen but I was really asking about Josh. It seemed unfair to me that someone that has as much fame and money as he has could win a lawsuit and get money from someone who isn't famous. But apparently legal fees vary all the time. There are very few multi million dollar lawsuits. She said something about it's a nuisance case...does that make sense or am I just out of my mind? I miss him and I really have to stop searching for him and looking at him. But I have an old friend that asked about him and that got me to show her a picture on my phone. She agreed with me that he's really good looking. Sigh...sorry I said I wasn't going to do this again but I just don't think I can keep talking to my friends about this. They all think that I am wasting time and space in my head on him. It was hard enough getting over my friend...Josh is harder...and I don't even know him. SIGH....
  20. I am not sure if this is appropriate or not but I really want to know if anyone saw the movie Love, Simon? I just saw it and I thought it was a really good movie. I tend to not watch movies about millenials but I recognized the main actor Nick Robinson from Melissa and Joey and thought I'd check it out. I was just wondering if anyone hear who is homosexual thought it was a good movie and a good portrayal of someone who is homosexual and young growing up today. I fell in love Simon just others did...not literally but he's someone that I could fall for. He's kind to others. He could have gotten into a lot of fights but didn't. Nick is technically young enough to be my son. Yikes! I don't want to spoil it for everyone but I definitely recommend the movie. What do you guys think? I really hope I get a response to this one. Noone seems to ever respond to things I post that aren't in the main forum that I've been posting to for about a year now. Hope everyone is good and hopefully these hurricanes will stop...I've heard really sad stuff. I wish there was something I could do...get my church to send canned food or something. Oh well. All I can do is pray that no more people die and people get what they need to survive and live their lives. starbucksjunkee
  21. BBNo1 my brother was able to block me from searching for him on my computer on mozilla firefox. So, I kept myself busy with other things so I wouldn't look at him. I don't look at videos anymore...I gave it up completely but sometimes I google him and the show with other devices. Thinking about him really messed me up. I wish I never would have watched that show.
  22. Taurus, You can share as much as you are comfortable. If you want to private message me, feel free. It’s good that we’re not alone in having these strong feelings. I don’t love Josh. But I can understand how you feel because if he hadn’t made me so messed up I would be convinced that I loved him. starbucksjunkee
  23. I was doing really well for about a month but then I googled Josh again. He is having legal problems because of this deck he built around his house. The neighbors took him to court. I didn’t want to read that. I wanted to read that he is married now. But it looks like he’s never going to get married. The last woman he was with was Marisa Tomei and she doesn’t want to get married. I am thinking about this friend I saw a few weeks ago. I am not thinking of him romantically, I am just wishing I had more time with him. He makes me feel good about myself and he’s funny. He’s changed so much from how I remember him. Every time I email him or call he gets back to me right away. I can’t believe I let so much time go by without seeing him. His wife is so nice too. His son lives not too far away from me so I am hoping they will come visit me some day. I am sad because he might not be able to travel because of his health issues. He knows about my mental health issues and his son has had anxiety. I feel like I want to tell him that I want him to give his son and wife my number in case anything happens to him but he might be weirded out.
  24. Nikki114, I can relate to what you said about "I think the only man that could handle me is my brother." I sort of feel that way. My brother did a lot of growing up though and we're still close but not as close as we were. He has a family now and a job that keeps him busy. One thing good I can say about him is that he has never made me feel like a loser. He's always validated me unless he's in a bad mood about something then I know I have to give him space and can't take it too personally. Now I have a bff that is just like him but older and married with kids. We are as close as my brother and I used to be. He's like family to me and my parents love him. I want to find someone like that someday...but someone who is closer to my age and single. I want to be friends for a few months then bam romance and taking things really slow. I settled for two guys that were completely wrong for me and they are the biggest regrets of my life and I haven't dated since. Guys have asked me out but I would have settled again which I will never do again. The thing with Josh has me so scared that I'll never date again. If someone I don't even know and will probably never meet could mess me up that much, how would I ever be able to be with someone I do know? Even though I am learning not to punish myself for my past mistakes anymore. Those two are the only doovers I would do if I could go back and change what happened...I read this book once called The Five Love Languages For Singles and I realized my love language is words. I feel good about myself except for my looks sometimes but I need to know someone really cares about me and really means what they say and doesn't put me down. The only man I ever truly loved stopped calling me and spending time with me and it took me a long time to get over him. He never said why. Now I know that it was the right thing that we ended it because he has a kid and I was so much younger than him I wasn't ready for that. I was in a wedding and he was in the wedding to me but he didn't speak to me once. His wife was with him and she was pregnant. I thought it was so stupid that he didn't say anything. I didn't say anything to him because I knew it would be too tough for me and I didn't know what to say. But I was obviously single and I looked my best so it's his loss. I would have felt like I had to give him kids right away and that would have been wrong. Plus the fact that he was too different from me politically and otherwise. It is so hard because I'm a 4 a romantic on the enneagram. You should take that test some time and find out what you are. I think the site is called simlarminds.
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